(20)
"I think we can get rid of this," Erin called out, her nose scrunched up as she held up a small mysterious box in her hand. She took a sniff and nearly gagged on the stench. "Okay, yeah it definitely needs to go."
Jay laughed at her predicament, amused by her reaction. Erin, affronted, shoved the box in his face and allowed him to get a whiff of it. "Oh!" Jay groaned, shoving it away from his face. "What is that even?"
"I don't know," Erin shrugged, tossing the box in the big garbage bag. "It's your fridge," she pointed out, looking at him with an eyebrow raised.
Jay held up a finger, "in my defense…" he began, trying to come up with an excuse for why there was something that disgusting left festering in his fridge. "I've been busy?"
Erin just chuckled and rolled her eyes. "Sure. She tossed out the last few remaining expired products into the bag and closed the fridge. "Fridge's done. What's next?"
Jay glanced around his kitchen that was becoming emptier by the hour. It was a slow progress moving into Erin's place but they were taking it easy. They already had to juggle their jobs and the upcoming holiday season and didn't need to add another thing to stress about on their list.
"I think we're almost done. I just need to pack up these appliances." He lifted up the coffeemaker. "Are you sure we won't need a second coffeemaker?" Erin just gave him a look. "Alright. Fair enough. Yours is better anyway. I'll just take them down to the storage warehouse."
Erin walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning back a little to look at him. "Thank you," she said, kissing his jaw. Jay looked at her questionly. "For making this whole process easy."
Jay smiled and nodded, giving her a kiss. "No need. Besides, your stuff is nicer," he teased, earning another fond eye roll from Erin. He pecked her nose and placed her head underneath his chin, taking a small break in between all the moving.
After the moment, they resumed packing Jay's things up to move next door. The kitchen was nearly done and so was the living room. All that was left was to tackle Jay's bedroom. There wasn't too much left to do since Jay didn't have a lot of things. They just had to pack up his clothes and a few personal items he had.
"Here. These are all the suitcases I have," Erin announced, wheeling in a couple of big suitcases to put Jay's clothes in. "I also have a few moving boxes left over. We could use that for the rest of your things."
"Sounds good," Jay replied, glancing over at Erin when he heard her phone buzzing. Erin read the text and sighed, immediately giving him an apologetic look. "Work?"
"Yeah," Erin sighed, putting her phone back inside her pants pocket. "I have to go in and sign some papers."
Jay nodded. "Go ahead. I can take care of this."
"You sure?" Erin asked, still looking apologetic for leaving him to do the rest of the packing. Jay dropped the clothes he was holding on his bed and approached Erin, taking her in his arms.
"100%," he promised, dropping a quick kiss on her forehead. Really, he didn't mind. Packing wasn't his favorite but it wasn't much. Besides, it was work and after Erin rejected the promotion in D.C, Jay just wanted her to be happy. Even though Erin promised that she didn't regret not taking the promotion, Jay still understood just how much she gave up. The position was a big deal, a chance for Erin's career to take off even more. But she had turned it down and while she said he wasn't the only reason for her turning it down, he knew that if he wasn't in Erin's life she would've taken it. Honestly, he was relieved deep down. And he was grateful.
He had meant it when he told Erin that they could make things work long distance if she wanted the promotion. He just wanted her in his life any way he can because she made his life better. While it would've been hard to have her so far away in D.C, Jay knew he would've done anything to make their relationship work.
But for some reason, Erin found him a good enough reason to stay. She had put him and them over her career. She had told him that he made her the happiest and those words were the best thing he had ever heard in his life. Because he felt the same about her and he wanted to be with her. He wanted to build a life with her. Marriage. Kids. Retirement in Wisconsin. He wanted it all.
"It'll probably be quick. I just have to sign off on some things," Erin said, patting his chest.
"Don't worry about it. No rush."
She gave him a thank you kiss. "Alright then," she said, pulling out of his hold so she could get going. "I'll pick up something for dinner."
"Sounds good."
Erin gave him a small wave and left. Jay let out an exhale when he turned back to the mess he had in his bedroom. Most of his clothes were on his bed, waiting to be folded and packed into the suitcases. Not to mention, he still had other things in his closet to get through. He rubbed his hands, thinking he better get started.
xxxx
"Hey."
Erin's voice caught him off guard, not expecting her to return so fast. But a quick glance over at the clock on his bedside table showed him that it had been over four hours since Erin had left. Time had flown past him as Jay had gotten caught up in going through a box of memories that he wasn't expecting to go through today.
"You okay?" Erin asked, immediately able to read his somber mood.
"Yeah." His voice sounded shaky even to his own ears so he wasn't surprised when Erin caught it, a concerned look immediately coming over her face. She took off her suit jacket and joined him on the floor, sitting down on it by his side.
She noticed the box in front of him, filled with once good and sentimental memories for him that were just now painful and nostalgic to look at. But he had found the box that was shoved all the way to the back of his closet while cleaning it out. And tried as he might, he couldn't stop himself from opening it. So he had spent the last four hours going through the content of it, his heart wrenching as his past stared at him in the face.
"What's this?" Erin asked, her tone gentle, not pushing. She was always good at that. Always good at asking him to open up without pushing him. Always good at making him feel like she cared. That was probably why she was always the best person they had to talk to the victims and witnesses. Erin just had this way of making people feel at ease, making them feel heard, cared for.
He swallowed, trying to keep his emotions steady. "Just going through some things that I found while packing." She remained quiet, giving time to gather his words and continue. Jay was pretty sure that she had an inkling of just what was in the box. Instead, she began rubbing her hand down his back— up and down— her touch soothing him as always. Jay would always be amazed by the sheer power of just her touch on him. Her hand could always calm his racing heart, fight away every fear, and keep away all the demons he had.
Jay took in a shaky breath and pulled out a photo from the box, a piece of his favorite memory forever captured and encased in a fraying gold frame. It was a picture of him when he was eight in his little league uniform. Freckle-faced and beaming with happiness, holding up a bat over his shoulder. The most important part of the picture was the woman standing next to him, with her arms around him. The same matching smiles, the same blue eyes. His mom.
Erin's face split into a small smile when she saw the picture and she gently held it in her hands, her finger ghosting over the two people in the picture. "Your mom," she whispered, fully understanding dawning in her voice about his state of mind.
"Yeah," he breathed out, "It was all the way in the back of my closet," he explained, pointing to the whole box of his most personal and private momentos. Ones that he preferred and needed to keep to himself. Just so he wouldn't drown in a past that he couldn't fix and memories of the people he lost. Erin squeezed his shoulder in a comforting manner.
"How old were you here?"
"Um, about 8. It was my first year. I was the youngest player in my division. Usually they don't take 8 years old but I guess they thought I had a good arm or something," he recalled, a hint of a proud grin on his face.
Erin let out a quiet laugh. "You were a prodigy," she exclaimed.
"I wouldn't go that far," he refuted, shaking his head. "Just better than most kids my age, I guess. I wasn't expecting to get in and thought I had to wait a couple of more years. So when I did get in, I was thrilled."
"I bet," she said, looking proud of him for something so simple. "It must've been a pretty big deal. You look so happy here."
Jay smiled as he recalled the memory. The day that he found out that he got accepted into the little league which was a big deal in his neighborhood. The picture was taken on the day that he also got his uniform, his mom wanting to commemorate the moment. He had been so excited and his mother saw just how much. She was just happy that he was happy. It had been a good day until they got home.
"I was. I was really excited to show off to Will." He took in a deep breath before he continued. "I was even more excited to show my dad." The look in Erin's eyes changed as he brought up his father. After all, she wasn't in the dark about the type of relationship he had with his father.
For years, Jay had kept his tumultuous relationship with his father to himself. Not even Will knew the extent of the problems Jay and their dad had. After all, Will was the good son in his father's eyes. The doctor. The success. Not Jay. Not the son that ran off overseas the first chance he got and the one that worked as a civil servant. Even when he and Erin had first gotten together, his relationship with his father was a part of his life that he kept to himself. Not because he didn't trust Erin or didn't think she would understand. If there was anyone that would understand shitty parents and the lifetime of scars and pain that came with it, it would be Erin.
Jay just didn't want to rehash it. He didn't see the point in bringing up a topic that wasn't likely to get resolved. He never thought that he and Pat would ever get along so why bother? Then it was too late. It was only when the opportunity to fix things with his father was taken out of his hands that Jay realized just how much he wanted it. But it had been too late, his father was gone.
But it wasn't too late with Erin. It wasn't too late to open up his long buried wounds and share his most difficult memories with the woman he loved. And Jay wasn't going to let this chance go.
"What happened?" Erin asked.
"What always happened with my father. I want to make him proud, he was never proud." He shrugged as if it could hide the decades of hurt and disappointment. "I showed him my uniform and how I got into the league, thinking he'd be proud of me for getting in. He just took one look at me and scoffed. Said I would just be a benchwarmer and just walked away." Jay saw Erin's jaw clenched, angry on behalf of him.
"Please tell me that you proved him wrong."
"I hit a homerun on my first time at bat and I don't want to brag but it just happened to be a game winning run." Erin gave him an impressed look. "But it was just too bad that he wasn't there to see it. Didn't see the point in coming to the game. Or any game, really."
"Jay," Erin voiced, running her hand up and down his arms to comfort him. "I'm sorry." Erin scooted closer to him on the floor and leaned into his side, Jay opening his arm to let her in. He relished in the feeling of her in his arms and just how perfectly she fit tucked underneath his chin.
"I spent most of my life trying to make my dad proud. When I was bullied in school and got into fights, he would just look at me with this contempt in his eyes. I didn't know if it was for getting into fights in the first place or for not being strong enough to win one. I hated that look especially after seeing the way he would look at Will, like Will was the son he wanted and I was the screw-up."
It was hard not to resent Will for getting his father's affection, especially when he was younger. All Jay wanted was just one look— just one— tossed his way of how Pat looked at Will. But he never got one.
"You were never a screw-up, Jay," Erin argued. "You were standing up for yourself and that's not a bad thing."
"I know that now but it's hard to keep perspective when you're a teenager and you were getting your ass kicked daily." Erin huffed, her breath tickling his chin. "So when I joined the Army and made Ranger, I thought I would finally get that look. That he'd finally be proud of me. And when I told him that I enlisted, he pretty much exploded, screamed at me for abandoning my family to run off overseas. Asked me why I couldn't be more like Will? Why couldn't I just stay put in the states and make something out of myself? Go to medical school like Will?"
"Maybe he was scared?" Erin threw out there. She pulled away a little so she could look at Jay. "Maybe he was scared of you risking your life while you were in Afghanistan. It's a scary thing to have someone you love put their life in danger, not having that guarantee that you would be able to come home. And let's face it, Jay. Your dad was not the best at communicating things."
He chuckled at the massive understatement. "Guess that's where I got that from."
"Hmm, I don't think so," Erin said, shaking her head. "You're doing a pretty good job right now."
"That's because you're a good listener," Jay replied, brushing her hair back. "I don't want to be like my father. Keeping things to himself but always lashing out at others when it got to be too much. I want to be better. I'm trying to be better. I don't want my son or daughter to find out that I'm proud of them from a newspaper clipping that they'd find after my death. I want them to know. I don't want them to have any doubts of my love for them."
"That's good." Erin brought the box closer and looked inside, pulling out the newspaper clippings that Jay found in his father's things when he was cleaning the place out. One concrete proof that Jay had that his father did love him, was proud of him. That despite the harsh words and tough act that Pat put on around Jay, he did love him and cared enough to keep a reminder of just how much.
"I found it in his drawers after he died," Jay explained as Erin read over the clippings. "It was…..knowing that he cared enough to keep those, I didn't know how to feel because the last thing I said to him…." he paused, remembering the cruel words he spat in his father's face the last time he saw him. "It wasn't good."
"He loved you, Jay," Erin reminded him. "And he knew that you love him too. We say things when we're angry and sometimes we wish we could take them back but it doesn't mean we love them any less. Or we forget that they love us."
"I just wish I could have one more moment with him," Jay confessed. "A better goodbye and instead of calling him a prick, I could tell him I love him. He was overbearing, crude and emotionally withdrawn but damn it, he was my father and I loved him."
Erin nodded, her eyes glistening with tears at his confession. "He knew."
"Yeah? How?"
"Because I knew." Erin smiled. "Even when you first left, I still knew that you loved me," she clarified. "As hard as it was for me to admit it to myself at the time, I knew deep down that what you did, you were doing it out of love."
"Yeah?" Jay asked, voice not fully steady.
"Yeah," Erin answered. "Because you, Jay Halstead, you are not a man of many words." Jay gave her a sardonic grin at the obvious truth. "But it's okay because your actions say everything I need to know. I knew that you loved me even when we weren't together but you came into the break room and stood in front of me and told me that you were getting help. That you were going to the veteran's group even though I knew just how much you hated the idea of having to talk in front of everyone. You were trying to get better because you wanted to be a better man. One that you think I deserve."
Jay felt his heart constrict at her words because she hit it right on the head. Going to the group wasn't easy for him. He thought about putting it off, and made every excuse in the book to not go. But what had him taking that first step and actually getting help was her. It was Erin. It was wanting to be better for her. To be the man that he could look in the mirror and be proud of. To stand next to her and be worthy of being there.
"And it wasn't just that," Erin continued. "You were always still there for me. Always lending me an ear that I can vent to, always there to comfort me and give me reassurance when I needed it. That's how I know that your father knew that you loved him. You don't give up on people, Jay. You didn't give up on your dad. You were there for him, at his bedside. Urging him to get help. Yeah, you may not have said the right words but your heart was in the right place and I have no doubt in my mind that your dad knew that."
Jay took a deep inhale in a sad attempt to keep his tears at bay. But the way Erin softly brushed her fingers underneath his eyes told him that he had failed. But it was okay. It was okay to let his vulnerable side show because he knew that Erin was there. She was there to listen, to wipe his tears away and to take him into her arms and just safeguard him.
"So you were the star of your little league huh?" Erin asked, trying to lighten up the moment and change the topic. She knew that he was just about to reach his limit and wanted to cheer him up.
"Oh yeah," Jay replied, wiggling his eyebrows smugly. "I was the 3rd hitter." Erin made an impressive sound, playing along. "And I don't want to brag but I got the loudest cheers, although I think most of it came from my mom." Erin laughed, leaning into his side. "She was there for all of my game and I could always hear her the loudest."
"Tell me more about her," Erin requested.
Jay laid a lingering kiss on Erin's head, the scent of her hair soothing him. What could he say about his mom other than she was perfect in every way that mattered?
"She was the best," Jay marvelled, just pure affection for one of the two most important women in his life pouring out. "She was the reason why I made it through all those years. Why I'm still standing before you today."
"I wish I could've met her," Erin confessed, sounding wistful. "She sounds so amazing."
"Me too," he agreed. He just knew that his mom would've just loved Erin. Not just because she was beautiful, caring and compassionate— all the things Erin and his mom had in common— but because Erin was strong. She knew how to keep Jay on his toes and most importantly, Erin made him want to be better. "She would've loved you."
Erin snorted. "I don't usually make the best first impression."
"Mom would've seen right through the tough exterior you feel like you have to put up," Jay pointed out. "She was the best at that. She knew just how to look past the surface and really see you. I think that's why she stayed with my dad so long. She must've seen that there was something more than meet the eyes with him and that he really did love her."
"You got that from her, you know?" Erin asserted. "The ability to see past the surface." She released a soft laugh and shook her head fondly. "I don't know how you do it but somehow you broke through my walls, no matter how hard I tried. I'm sorry that it took me a long time to let my walls down."
He kissed her apology away. "You're worth it." Erin beamed before leaning in for another kiss.
They spent the rest of the night, going through the rest of the items in the box. Erin had gotten rid of work clothes and changed into one of Jay's shirts and her underwear, looking more comfortable than before. They remained seated on the floor, their shoulders brushing as Jay pulled out item after item, telling Erin stories of his past.
"Oh! Look at this!" Erin exclaimed as she took out a baby picture of Jay in the bathtub, beaming at the camera. "You were so cute!" she gushed.
"Were?" he asked, cocking his eyebrow at the use of the past tense. "I'm still cute, babe."
Erin pressed her lips, pretending to be in deep thoughts. "Hmmm, not sure I agree with that. Handsome? Sure. Hot? Definitely. But cute? I hate to break it to you, Halstead, but I think you've run out of your cute supply." Jay's mouth dropped at her answer and he pouted, giving her the cutest expression he could think of. He could see Erin melt right in front of him after seeing the look on his face.
"Still think I'm not cute?" he asked, keeping the exaggerated pout on his face.
Erin scrunched her nose and groaned. "Ah, I can't lie!" she shouted. "Damn it! You're still cute," she admitted begrudgingly.
"What was that? I didn't hear you the first time?" Jay asked, placing his hand behind his ear to get Erin to repeat her answer.
"You're cute!" Erin exclaimed. "You're freaking adorable, okay?"
"Shh, babe," Jay said, gesturing to her to keep her voice down. "I get it. I'm adorable. No need to shout!" he teased.
Erin smacked his chest and rolled her eyes. "You're lucky that I love you, you know that?"
He laughed, pulling her onto him as he laid on the floor. "Yeah, I know you find me irresistible," he teased before pulling Erin down to meet her lips. He rested his hands on her back underneath the shirt she was wearing, pressing her close to him. Erin held his face in her hand as she deepened the kiss, her hair falling down around them.
His hand began to travel up to her side, tugging her shirt up, and she giggled when he brushed the underside of her breasts, tickling her. He loved hearing that sound. That intoxicating combination of her signature raspiness mixed with her happiness always sent pleasures through his body. He loved that he could make her happy. After all, she made him the happiest he had ever been so it was only fair that he returned the favor.
xxxxx
Afterwards, they remained lying on the floor, Jay's blanket draped over both of their naked bodies. Erin was cuddled into his side, her leg tossed over him and his arm was her pillow. It was a perfect way to end the night, to cap off an emotional night of opening up with the ultimate display of their love for each other. Making love to Erin had always been mindblowing for Jay. Their chemistry had been explosive from the start and their bodies just fitted together even from the beginning. Adding love and affection to the mix only made things better.
But tonight...Jay didn't even know how to put it into words. If sex with Erin before was mindblowing then now after they had shared so much of themselves with one another, it was….magical. Jay felt Erin's love as she kissed him all over his body, like she was determined to heal all of his wounds— both visible and invisible— with her kisses. It wasn't news that Erin loved him but sometimes like tonight, he was amazed by just how much.
"This was good," Jay spoke, breaking the peaceful quiet they had while they gathered their breath.
"Just good? I feel like I should be offended," Erin joked.
"No, no. that…..that was amazing. Mind Blowing," Jay quickly clarified and Erin let out a hum of agreement. "I meant, going through that box. That was good."
"Yeah," Erin whispered, agreeing with him. "It was nice. I love seeing old pictures of you. I feel like I learn more about you everytime."
Jay just nodded as his thumb ran up and down Erin's arm. "It's not easy for me to go down the memory lane. It's easier just to keep everything in a box in the back of the closet." Erin cuddled closer to him, letting him know without words that she understood where he was coming from. Sometimes, it was easier to ignore difficult memories and to keep things buried. But if tonight had proven anything to Jay, it was that as hard and painful it might be to open up, it was worth it because he had Erin to listen to him, to hold him when it got too hard, to soothe his pain.
"I get it, Jay. It's not like I don't have a box of my own buried in the back of my closet either."
"What's in your box?" Jay asked.
Erin sighed, taking a moment before answering. "A couple of things from my childhood. Not a lot of things from back then but a few that hold good memories. I think I even have an old test from fifth grade where I got an 'A'. I was so proud of myself because I didn't usually get good grades. I wanted to pin the test on the fridge like I've seen on T.V so I taped it on there and waited for Bunny to come home." Jay heard her voice waver. "She didn't come home until two weeks later and she was high out of her mind. She had a man with her, one that I've never seen and they saw the test on the fridge. They started yelling about how stupid it was to tape the test on the fridge like it was something to be proud of. I didn't want them to rip it so I just took it off and kept it to myself."
Jay felt his hate towards Bunny grow even more after listening. Erin deserved so much better than Bunny as a mother. "I'm sorry," Jay whispered, holding her closer to him.
He felt Erin shrug. "It's in the past," Erin said, brushing the painful memory off like it no longer fazed her. Jay guessed it didn't, just another instance of Bunny being Bunny in a long line of instances. It wasn't right.
"What else do you have in there?" Jay asked, wanting to change the subject. He didn't want Erin lingering on Bunny any more than necessary.
He felt Erin's breath tickle his chest as she let out a soft breath. "I have some of Nadia's things in there too."
Jay's breath hitched at Erin bringing up Nadia. She was a subject that they didn't really talk about, the death of the girl still too difficult and painful. It had been a horrible time in their lives. Erin had fallen down into a deep pit of guilt and grief while Jay had teetered between fear and just absolute helplessness as he watched Erin slipped away from him farther and farther. He had been rendered helpless and felt absolutely useless, watching the woman he loved be consumed by grief and he was unable to do anything to help her. No matter what he did, he wasn't able to break through to Erin and he had nearly lost her.
But she had come back to him. Had come through for him because he needed her and Jay had taken comfort in the fact that her love for him was stronger than her desire to just forget everything and just let herself fall.
"What do you have of Nadia?" Jay asked, wondering if Erin would tell him.
She tightened the hold her arm had around his waist, like she was seeking strength from him. "Her favorite movie. Our first week as roommates, I came home and she had set up a whole slumber party. She told me that it was her way of thanking me for helping her. She had a whole stack of movies, all the snacks ready. I think we watched her favorite movie like three times that whole weekend. I came across the DVD when I was packing up for New York and I couldn't throw it away so I kept it safe in the box."
Jay just kept quiet, letting Erin continue.
"I also have her acceptance letter to the Academy," Erin revealed, her body trembling slightly. Jay brought up the blanket to cover Erin up more and he tightened his hold on her, wanting to keep her warm even though Erin trembling had nothing to do with the chill in the room.
"Those are good things to remember her by," Jay said. Erin nodded, her hair tickling his chest as she moved her head up and down. "Maybe we can have the letter framed," Jay suggested. "Instead of keeping them in a box, we should hold them up and remember them for the good memories they hold."
Erin met his eyes and her face slowly broke out into a smile. "I do like the idea of having your baby picture on the mantle."
"Maybe the one without my freckled ass showing. We don't need everyone seeing that," Jay negotiated.
"Aww, but I love your ass, babe. Freckles and all," Erin returned, a teasing grin on her face. Jay couldn't resist kissing her dimples. She turned her head so their lips could meet and after, she placed her hand on his chest, cuddling closer to him. He tucked her head underneath his chin, a perfect fit as always and his fingers brushed her side.
"How about we keep it for your eyes only?"
Erin laughed as he tickled her side, his ploy to get her closer. "Deal."
As the night wore on, Jay held Erin in his arms as she fell asleep. But Jay, on the other hand, remained awake, his finger absentmindedly stroking Erin's skin. Every so often, Erin would shift and move in her sleep and Jay found himself smiling because she would cuddle closer to him, like no matter how close they were already, it wasn't enough.
He laid a soft kiss on her forehead, his lips lingering on her skin, careful not to rouse her from her sleep. He took a deep inhale, the familiar scent of Erin bringing him unrivaled peace and calm. He tilted his head down so he could see her, the way her eyelashes fluttered against her face as she slept. The way her lips parted just the tiny amount and the soft breaths coming from it.
Everything about Erin was perfect to Jay. He understood that no one was perfect but Erin, she was perfect for him. Her heart, her beauty, her strength, he couldn't get enough. Jay was definitely far from perfect, too marred by everything in his past but with Erin, he felt whole. He felt good. He felt loved.
Erin let out a quiet hum in her sleep, sounding perfectly content and happy and Jay smiled, his heart bursting with just pure love for her. It was almost overwhelming just how much he loved her. Because he didn't love her just as a lover or just as his best friend. He loved her as a person that she was. A love that would remain unwavering and consistent no matter if she was his girlfriend, his wife or just his best friend. And a complete sense of happiness washed over Jay at the realization.
(21)
Jay's fingers flew all over the keyboard as he typed the last remaining sentences as fast as he could. He kept glancing over at the clock, counting down the hours as they ticked by.
"Yes!" he cheered to himself quietly as he finally finished his report and quickly printed it out. The faster he could hand the file to Voight, the faster he could get out of work. He had important plans tonight and he was bouncing on his feet, itching to get home.
"You got somewhere to be, partner?" Kevin asked after they met by the printer, both waiting for their reports to come out of the machine. "Because you've been looking at your watch the whole day."
Jay bit his lips and shook his head. "Just excited to get out of here."
"Christmas isn't for three more days. You have some last minute shopping to do or something?"
"No," Jay replied, barely able to hold back his excited grin. "Trust me, I have bought everything I need." He patted Kevin's back.
"You have big plans for the big day?" Kevin questioned. "I still can't believe that we're lucky enough this year to get both Thanksgiving and Christmas off. If we get New Year off too, I'm gonna go buy myself a lottery ticket. Who knows? I might win the big jackpot and really get my 2021 off right."
Jay chuckled. "Sounds like a plan, man." He grabbed the papers and lined them up to fit into a folder. "Not everyone is as lucky as us. Erin's working Christmas."
"Oh yeah? That sucks, man."
Jay shrugged. "Not a big deal. She's gonna be out of town for a couple of days so we're celebrating early."
Realization dawned on Kevin. "Ah, no wonder you're looking like you couldn't wait to leave."
"Pretty much." The grin remained on his face and Kevin looked at him strangely, like he couldn't quite figure out just why Jay was this excited. But it was a secret, only for Jay to know and for Erin to find out later tonight.
They headed back into the bullpen so they could turn in their report.
"How about you, man? Big plans?" Jay asked his partner.
"Just spending the day with family, the usual."
Jay smiled, knowing just how much Kevin missed his sibling who lived in Texas. "That's great, Kev." Kevin returned a big smile, looking excited. "Alright, I'm gonna go turn this in and get out of here," Jay said, holding up the folder and gesturing over to Voight's office.
He headed to Voight's office and turned in the report.
"Final copy," Jay said as he dropped the file on Voight's desk. His Sergeant just nodded and added Jay's file to the pile. "Okay then, I'll see you in a couple of days then." Jay headed back out but paused at the doorway. "Merry Christmas, Serge."
Voight just nodded, gruffly returning the sentiment to Jay. Jay just shrugged to himself, knowing that it was as good as he was going to get from Voight so he just headed back out.
"Your phone rang just now," Kevin informed him and Jay unlocked his phone, smiling when he saw Erin's name on it. She had volunteered to pick up dinner for their early Christmas celebration tonight so he thought she was probably calling him about that.
He returned the call and waited for it to go through. "Hey babe, sorry I missed your call," Jay spoke as soon as the call connected.
"Jay?" A strange voice— definitely not Erin's— replied instead and right away, Jay's body straightened up. His mind was already going to the worst place at hearing another person calling him on Erin's phone. "Jay, it's Rachel."
"Rachel," Jay replied, trying to keep the panic out of his voice until he found out why she was calling him and answering Erin's phone. "What happened? Where's Erin?"
"Don't panic," Rachel advised, picking up the panic in Jay's voice anyway despite his effort. "Erin's fine. She's…"
"She's okay?" Jay asked, needing to confirm that Erin was fine.
"Yeah, she's alright," Rachel repeated. "She just hasn't been feeling well today and she had a dizzy spell earlier so we had to practically force her into resting for a bit in her office. I don't think she should be driving in her state and I don't have my car today."
"Yeah," Jay immediately interjected. "I'll be there right away. She's okay though, right?"
"She seems fine right now. She's resting her eyes and I told her that I would call you for her."
Jay released a sigh of relief that Erin was fine. "Thanks, Rachel. I'll see you in a little bit."
He hung up the phone and grabbed his things.
"Everything alright?" Kevin asked, seeing the worry on Jay's face.
Jay just nodded. "I got to go though. I'll talk to you later, man," Jay just shouted over his shoulders as he quickly strided out of the bullpen, leaving wondering eyes behind.
He made record time to Erin's office because even though Rachel had reassured him that Erin was fine, Jay wouldn't really believe it until Erin was in his arms.
"Jay!" Rachel called him as soon as she spotted him. Jay just returned a quick nod in return, his eyes going straight to Erin's office and seeing her inside. She was sitting at her desk, her head leaning back against her chair. She had her eyes closed, resting just as Rachel said. "I didn't mean to make you worry," Rachel apologized.
"No," Jay waved her apology off. "Thanks for calling. I'm gonna check in on her." Rachel stepped aside to let him go.
He opened the door, giving Erin notice of his arrival. She popped one of her eyes open and gave him a small smile when she saw him.
"I'm okay," Erin said immediately, knowing that Jay was worried.
"What happened?" he asked as he walked over to her, sitting on the edge of her desk. He wanted to fuss over her and was trying very hard to control himself in front of Erin's work colleagues.
"I think I'm coming down with something and I stood up too fast and just got a little lightheaded," Erin explained, trying to brush off his worry. "They wanted me to go home and get some rest but didn't want me driving."
"You shouldn't be driving, not if you're not feeling well," Jay pointed out, earning a small glare from Erin. One that looked less potent than her normal ones given the state she was in. "How are you feeling now?"
Erin sighed, thinking over her answer. "Well, the room has stopped spinning," she replied, trying to joke. "Okay now. I just want to get home."
Jay folded his hand on his thighs, stopping himself from reaching over and holding Erin. "Your wish is my command," he said, getting up. "Let's go home."
Erin stood up slowly, bracing herself on the desk for support. Jay couldn't help but reach out this time and held her shoulder, holding her up.
"You alright?"
Erin nodded as she started to move. Jay took her bag and put it over his shoulder and held her briefcase. "Thanks," Erin said, her voice small.
They left her office, Jay giving Rachel another smile to thank her for calling him.
When they were out of the office and away from watchful eyes, Jay held Erin's shoulder, giving her support. He led her to the passenger side of his car and helped her buckle up. He placed his hand on her forehead, checking her temperature.
"You're not warm so it's probably not a fever," Jay theorized, his hand now on her face.
"It's probably nothing," Erin returned, "I probably didn't get enough sleep and now paying the price for it."
Jay didn't exactly agree with her self diagnosis. Erin wasn't the type that needed much sleep to function and there had been more times than he could count where Erin had been perfectly fine on less than a couple hours of sleep. But Erin was Erin and she was brushing it off as usual. Jay wasn't that cavalier as Erin was when it came to Erin's well-being so if Erin wasn't going to worry about herself, Jay would gladly do it for her.
"Let's get you home, babe and you can get some sleep," Jay said, running over to his seat so they could get home faster.
"No, I'm fine. Besides we have to celebrate Christmas tonight," Erin said.
"We can wait," Jay argued. "You getting better is more important than exchanging gifts."
Erin let out a snort. "Speak for yourself, Halstead. I'm dying to know what you got me for Christmas."
Jay chuckled, happy that Erin was cracking jokes. It was a sign that maybe she would be feeling 100% soon because like Erin, he was excited to exchange gifts also. Maybe even more so, considering the present he had tucked away underneath their Christmas tree.
"You'll find out after you take a short nap first," Jay negotiated, Erin rolling her eyes at his overprotectiveness. Jay grinned knowing that he won the negotiation.
He led her inside when they got home, helping Erin get settled on the couch. She laid on the couch and Jay draped the throw over her, tucking her in. "You want something warmer?"
"No," Erin shook her head, shifting to get more comfortable. "This is fine."
"I'll get you a glass of water and maybe something to help you with the dizziness," Jay said, getting up and heading over to the kitchen. He frowned when he saw the half eaten plate of his french toast on the counter, the breakfast he had made for Erin this morning before he headed off to work first.
HIs french toast was one of Erin's favorites and she never had trouble finishing it before. Especially when it came with bacon on the side. But it was only half eaten and the bacon was completely untouched. He filled up a glass with water and headed back over to Erin.
"You didn't finish breakfast this morning?" Jay asked as he helped Erin drink the water without getting up. "Were you running late?"
"No," Erin murmured, resting back on the couch with her eyes closed. "I had about half of it before I threw it up. Probably a stomach bug," Erin said offhandedly.
Jay, on the other hand, was piecing things together as his mind was more clearer and not clouded by dizziness. The dizziness, Erin unable to keep food down. It could be a stomach bug like Erin thought or it could be….
"How long have you been feeling like this?" Jay asked carefully.
Erin pressed her lips. "Hmm?" she asked, her eyes still closed.
"How long have you been feeling dizzy and unable to hold your food down?" Jay repeated, keeping all emotions out of his question. The last thing he wanted was to freak Erin out.
"Umm, maybe a couple of days with the food?" Erin guessed. "Lightheaded only today. I think it might've been the takeout from that new place we got the other night."
Jay laced his fingers together as he carefully chose his words. "It could be the takeout or….maybe you're pregnant?"
Erin's eyes snapped open at his suggestion, shock clear on her face. She immediately tried to sit up but Jay stopped her, not wanting to make her sicker.
"Easy, babe," Jay said, holding her by her shoulder.
"Pregnant?" Erin muttered.
"Just putting two and two together, Erin," Jay replied. "You threw up this morning and you've been having dizzy spells. I don't think it's the takeout because I ate it too and I'm fine. Um, did you miss your period?"
Erin clenched her eyes shut, her hands coming to her forehead. "I don't know. I don't get my period monthly on the pill." Erin tried to sit up again, this time slower. "Do you think?"
"We haven't exactly been careful," Jay pointed out, recalling all the times their passion had consumed them and a condom had been forgotten. But Erin was on the pill and they were in a trusting monogamous relationship so they didn't think much of it.
"Jay," Erin breathed out, a mix of emotions in her voice. It was filled with uncertainty, fear and even a little bit of hope and excitement.
"We should take a test," Jay said, Erin nodding. "How about you rest up and I'll run down to the store real quick and buy a test?"
"Okay," Erin said, leaning back down on the couch. Jay covered her with the blanket again and leaned over her, catching her eyes. He caressed her face softly and gave her a smile.
"Everything's gonna be okay, Erin. No matter what, we'll be fine," he promised her, kissing her forehead. She held onto his wrist and returned a small smile. "I'll be back."
xxxxx
It had been both the longest and shortest five minutes of their lives as they waited for the results from the test. Jay paced back and forth as he waited for the alarm to let them know what the immediate future held for them. Jay had tried to temper down the excitement that was beginning to bubble up in him the thought of Erin carrying their child.
Erin sat on the edge of the tub, wringing her hands together. Nerves were practically radiating off of her and she had been quiet, silently stewing in her own thoughts.
Finally, the alarm sounded and their eyes met.
"Okay," Jay took in a deep breath, Erin getting up and standing next to him. He held her hand and kissed her palm. "No matter what, we'll be okay," he said, reassuring her.
"No matter what," Erin repeated, giving him a tiny smile. He kissed her, sealing the promise before pulling away so Erin could pick up the test and see the results.
"What does it say?" Jay asked, trying to discern the answer just from Erin's expression alone. Erin kept looking at the test for a while before she brought her head up to look at him, tears gathering in her eyes. "Erin."
"I'm pregnant," Erin whispered, her eyes glistening with tears even more as she said the words out loud. "We're pregnant."
Hearing Erin say those two words threw out any miniscule doubts he might've had about which answer he wanted. It was as clear as day to him that he wanted the test to be positive, he wanted Erin to be pregnant with their child. He was hoping for this starting from the second that it was a possibility.
"Erin," he could only whisper as he looked at the test in her hand in awe, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Babe," he uttered, pulling Erin into a tight hug, his lips kissing her hair until they turned white from the pressure.
Erin wound her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. "We're pregnant," she repeated over and over again like she was trying to wrap her mind around it.
"Yeah," Jay said, laughing with completely bliss. He held her face, both of them looking at each other with tears in their eyes. "We're gonna have a baby!" he exclaimed, kissing her all over her face before settling on her lips. "A baby," he gasped in awe.
"You're happy about this?" Erin asked, a hint of nervousness in her voice.
Jay just laughed before picking her up in his arms, lifting her off the ground and showing her just how happy he was. "I don't think I can be any happier," Jay said, kissing her forehead again. His heart was racing and beating out his chest, unable to contain all of his excitement and happiness in. He placed his hand gently on her stomach, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that inside, a part of him and a part of Erin was starting to grow. "How about you?" Jay asked, cupping her face tenderly. "How are you feeling?"
"Scared," Erin admitted. "Nervous but so fucking happy," she added through tears.
Jay laughed at Erin's succinct way to summarize everything both of them were feeling.
"Me too," Jay confessed. "God, I love you!" he declared, pulling Erin into his arms again.
"I love you too," Erin got out before Jay crashed their lips together, their happiness unable to be contained. "It's ridiculous but I already love this baby," Erin confessed, her hand on her stomach.
Jay didn't think it was ridiculous at all because he knew exactly how she felt. They had just gotten the best news of their lives just minutes ago but already, Jay knew that he loved the baby already and would do anything to protect him or her.
He got down on his knee and kissed Erin's stomach, still tight and firm but not for long.
"Me too," he said as he rested his head on her stomach, Erin's arm wrapping around him. "I can't wait to meet you, buddy," Jay whispered into her stomach, like the baby could hear him.
He felt Erin's laugh vibrating through her body and he clutched her tighter to him.
He had already gotten the best Christmas gift he could ever ask for.
AN: I don't know about you guys but I just need something fluffy and happy to distract myself after all the stress of the past couple of weeks. And since people deluding themselves and burying their heads in the sand is the trend these days, I figured I'd do the same...only in fics.
I can't believe there's only 2 more left until we get to 23!
(P.S: I've left a few hints about what to come next in #21)