Chapter 16- What Makes Him Whole
"Whoa…that's…wow." It only took a week for Jay to spill the secret he swore to never tell. The three of them were in Will's living room, Jay adorned with just about every pillow and blanket in Will's place, severely packed into the couch. Today was the one week anniversary of the surgery, Jay just about forcing for his discharge to a couch. He said he'd been a model patient the entire time, fully understanding why he was in there for so long. But seven days was long enough for him, he had to get out of there and graduate to a normal setting. He swore that he didn't care what had to be done to get him out, but glancing down at the PIC line in his arm had him almost second guessing that decision. But regardless, he was at a home and in normal clothing so in a way, he won.
"Yeah, I still can't believe she's going to retire."
"And that she asked you," Will cut in, which had the two of them looking over at him rather surprised.
"What! I thought you two had this bickering match going on still."
"That was years ago, we've definitely mellowed out since then, but yeah it is shocking that she asked me."
"Well tell me you said yes," Hailey said.
"I told her I'd think about it."
"Jay! That is a massive deal and you'd still be at work and get to see us and one day be over everyone. That's incredible and a lot of effort on her part."
"Exactly, it's a lot. It's not fair to her to make a split second decision. Six months ago it wasn't even on my radar and now I need to decide my entire future in a matter of days? She said to think about it while getting better."
"Yeah, but she also has to present it to the committee before you'd even get reinstated."
"Which it sounds like she'd negotiate while I'm still deciding." They sat in silence for a moment, pondering how quickly things were shifting once again. A week ago Jay was walking around independently and facing never being a cop again. Now he had a bright future ahead, a daunting and life changing path ahead with his trusted crutches for the foreseeable future. He was back at square one, where it all began. Walking with the prosthetic was off the table for at least three months, allowing all the swelling to go down and the heparin to run its' course and veins to restrengthen. Even when he was finally allowed to walk it was going to be very slow and gradual; an hour or so one day and then a break before adding a little more. They still weren't sure what caused the massive clot, but on the off chance it was going too quickly they wanted to do their part to ensure that mistake wasn't made twice. Jay was a little disappointed he'd be limited and slowed down for some time, but he still had his leg and was just about the same as before, so he took all the hurdles in great stride and patience.
"Oh good grief, we made a total mess of the place," Hailey announced as she stood from her perch in the living room. It was very true, they had literally thrown bags and shoes and whatever else they brought all over Will's foyer. Which brings up the question of why they were even at Will's place. For starters it was much closer to the hospital then Jay, on the chance Jay needs to go back it won't be that far of a trip. But the other reason was the PIC line, on top of still needing daily injections of the blood thinners, since he hadn't healed enough to be on oral medication, Jay was still battling the pain factor. He was far enough along to no longer need the epidural, but anything less then serious narcotics and he was miserable. Yesterday they tried to keep him on just oral medication and at one point he started crying the pain was so bad. Under Will's very close supervision Jay will still receive what he needs, hopefully for just another week.
"Yeah, but it's okay, we were a bit preoccupied."
"Sorry that I really can't move around right now," Jay teased, making Hailey smile as she got up to collect things. It was true, Jay couldn't really move. Even on the crutches his whole left leg was in total pain whenever he stood. It was bearing weight on a very swollen, meticulously operated on leg that made things scream in pain. Also, Jay still did the thing where whenever he walked the left leg moved in sync. It had picked up again with the prosthetic and so to yank that away made the leg truly confused. For poor Jay getting from the car to the couch took an extra long time and many, many stops, but he survived. It just went to show that for some time, his life would be going between bed and couch and not much more. He was so thrilled.
"Hey, this would be a great time to drop off the leg for those tweaks you wanted. I can do it on my way to work."
"Oh, yeah, that would be good. Where is said leg?"
"In the bag over there on the floor." Jay followed Will as he went to said bag, gathered it up, and headed back to bid farewell.
"Hailey, you know what to do?"
"Yeah, pain meds every four hours slowly and then the heparin in about an hour and then another around noon, and tonight you'll be here for the last one of the day." She was given a thumbs up for her memory.
"Also, I know you know this, but he is not allowed to leave that couch unless it's for the bathroom and bedroom. He has to sleep and he has to stay relaxed."
"He can hear all of this."
"Yes, I know Jay. That's why I'm saying it out loud."
"Hey Jay, do you want anything to eat or drink?"
"Just coffee is fine. Maybe something small. I'm not too hungry." Hailey was quick to oblige, heading towards the kitchen as Will went back to the couch.
"Behave."
"I know."
"And sleep."
"I also know that."
"And finally, I'm really glad you're home."
"Yeah, me too." During the entire banter Jay kept his eyes on the bag in Will's hand, suddenly feeling very weirded and almost sad it was leaving.
"I feel like I'm losing the leg all over again." Will was confused for a moment, furrowing his brow before he caught on to what Jay was saying. Will gripped the bag harder, looking down and nodding over how eerily similar it was.
"But unlike last time, it's coming back to you and you'll be able to walk on it again. It's just for a little bit." Jay had to agree, but was still feeling those emotions and his mind continuing to play tricks on him. All he could visualize was a real leg tucked away in a bag.
"Oh man, I'm running late. I'll call around lunch to see how things are going."
"Sounds good! I've got it from here." Hailey was back in the picture, coffee and buttered toast in hand. She gave Will that look to beat it and he started heading back to the door.
"Bye Will," Jay called and his brother waved as he closed the door. At last, it was just the two them alone. Hailey had waited quite a long time for this moment.
"Eat, Jay. I don't need you getting sick." She was quite right, Jay was ignoring the food for the hot liquid, a semi-shaking hand doing its' best to steady enough to pull the hot liquid to his lips. The toast was purposefully being left on the couch, Hailey quite curious about that one. It was so unlike Jay to choose to not eat.
"Well I'm afraid if I do eat I'll get sick."
"But you've been eating solid food for a couple days. I feel like the sick feeling might be from moving so much this morning." Jay so much as glanced over at the plate before going back to the coffee and sipping. Hailey now forewent any form of tidying up, instead planting herself on the floor close to the couch.
"Jay, please try. Just do half a piece." He was a sight to behold; an exhausted, bed headed, unbathed, still recovering sight, but one that Hailey wanted to wrap her arms around for the rest of time. Oh yes, was that part not obvious to the rest of the class? Ever since that day, she'd been having these weird thoughts. She found herself digging deep into things, tapping parts of her she hadn't messed with in quite some time. Her reaction to that day truly opened a can of worms. Hailey was so upset by the potential of losing Jay, far more then any long term partnership would allow. So that brought her to pondering why she reacted that way. It took some time and effort, but in one of their many drives from a hospital to airport did she come to the conclusion he was her everything. He was an anchor, a confidant, a loyal partner, the person she could always open up to, that light when things got bad, her Jay. That was it, Jay Halstead was her person and she was falling in love with him. But then the next question was whether he felt the same. There was hint of it, why else would he have made her his emergency contact. Also, why did he keep calling her and making sure she was okay during times when he really should've been focusing on himself. So there had to be some level of love there, but with Jay being a pillar of control and never showing his emotions, it was hard to tell.
"Hailey…Hailey!" His calling to her brought everything back to reality. Right now she was a caretaker and he was truly relying on her help for the next few weeks. Right now she had to keep things on the down low, remain hidden till that perfect moment presented itself.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. What do you need?"
"I ate the whole thing." He held up the plate which she gladly took.
"Great! That's awesome. What do you want to do first?"
"Honestly, sleep for a little bit. I thought I was going to be fine coming home, but all this stuff is draining everything out of me."
"Well look at you being so willing to heal and relax."
"With the options of doing this at home or in a hospital, I'm going to do everything I can to stay out of Med." She smiled at him, brushing a hand on his shoulder before rising.
"Is there anything you need before going to sleep?"
"Yeah, a bathroom." That was going to be tricky and quite invasive of his privacy. He could not stand long on his own, let alone move around all that well. Hailey would have to go in there with him, be somewhere close by as he did whatever. Hailey used the time of dropping things off in the sink and returning to come up with a plan. They never saw themselves at this level of trust in their lives, but here they were.
"Yes, I know what this means," Jay spoke as she collected his crutches, seeming to be reading her mind.
"You can just help me get in there and I'll be okay."
"No, you really can't be left alone. Think about if you fell."
"Yeah…very true."
"Come on, we shall give figure it out as we go along." With the crutches at the couch, the first step was to get Jay up, which was a very slow and painful task. Hailey used one hand to help steady his back while the other was a crutch for him to get up with.
"Slow, slow, don't do too much," she coaxed as she noticed the painful reaction to moving. He could only nod, trying to use all energy to stand. He had to get to the bathroom, that was his point B right now. Once standing Hailey helped tuck one crutch under each arm, turning to his left side and pointing him in the direction to where they had to be. Thank goodness this time around he knew how to maneuver with crutches, because if he didn't things would be that much harder. He'd make it about three steps before wincing at his left leg moving in sync with walking. Hailey was that resting post as he gingerly rubbed the phantom pain away. Some seven minutes later, Hailey turned the lights on in the bathroom and stood aside for Jay to get in.
"Okay, here's what were going to do. I won't look but I'll turn around and plug my ears and not say anything so it's like I'm not even here."
"This is a bit insane."
"Hey, it's what we have to do. I'm not calling Will back here just for this."
"Nor would I tell you to." It wasn't till Jay made sure that she was doing her suggestion before he relieved himself. She could feel the effects of the toilet flushing turning around to see him as he was before.
"Okay, let's head back," she exclaimed, knowing Jay didn't need to be told this but wanted to keep him focused. Another long, painful, glacial walk to the couch and in no time Jay was back in the land of pillows and blankets, with the exception of a few because Jay had to find a way to lay down.
"Do you need anything else?"
"No, I'm good for right now."
"Okay, I'll turn the lights off and try my best to be quiet. Don't forget that at noon we have to do another dose of heparin."
"You know, doctors don't usually end with that before you fall asleep for a few hours."
"Shut up," she chuckled.
"Okay, how about I'm going to be setting up the room and then will be close by if you need me. Does that feel better?"
"Sure, that works." It took him no more then ten minutes to completely fall asleep, Hailey muffling giggles against his deep, methodical, perfect mouth puffs while she moved in and around the living room. She so badly wanted this to be life, their life. She didn't care what he did or didn't have. To her, it was his presence, person, and character that made him whole. She just wished she could find the courage to say that.
…
It was quite apparent that the hospital life had worn off on him, because like clockwork Jay was awake exactly two hours after he'd fallen asleep. Two hours was how long he'd go between tests and blood draws and pain check-ins. Granted he was still on his first day back in the world, Hailey couldn't help but chuckle over how much he'd adapted to the very thing he hated. She was in the bedroom juggling making the guest bed and setting up the bathroom when Jay's voice echoed down the hall. Hailey used that as a starting gun, doing her best to get to him before he did the crazy thing of getting to her.
"Hey hey! You're up." Jay nodded as he looked around, trying to locate that thing he knew was coming next.
"Are we doing the shot now?"
"We can, if you're up for it."
"Well, what time is it?"
"A little past twelve."
"Yeah, let's just do it." Hailey found herself totally nervous and fully understanding why she never went into the medical field. She could track down a suspect and willingly throw herself into a line of fire, but give someone a shot and she was frazzled. To add to the fact it was someone she knew and cared for, the very thought of injecting something made things that much worse. Now it was true that he did have the PIC line, saving her from piercing skin. But still, it was the act that was still unnerving.
Doing her best to not scare Jay, and go along with that belief that she was a badass that wasn't effected by anything, Hailey went right for the syringes and medication and loaded things exactly how Will showed her. Before accessing the PIC line she dawned gloves and then asked Jay to hold his arm out that was housing the PIC line. The line's installation was an episode in and of itself, Jay hating every second of it, but his right forearm was adorned with the longterm IV line. Unwrapping the gauze and tape that was protecting things was where things got shaky for a second, her hands shivering with nerves for a second before she shook her head and did her best to smile at Jay.
"It's okay if you're nervous. I would be too," Jay eased her with. She let out the biggest exhale, relieved that she could feel what she was feeling.
"Sorry, I know I shouldn't be since this isn't all that invasive."
"Yeah, but it's still not something either of us are comfortable with." Hailey nodded, screwing the end of the syringe to the line and looking up at Jay.
"Ready?" He nodded, resting his head on the pillow so he didn't see what she was doing. The number one thing they all told her was that speed was the enemy. The medication was thick and powerful so the key to things was slow and steady. She may have injected things slower then they wanted, but in her defense she would rather have that then send Jay into a whole lot of trouble. She counted the seconds off in her mind, thirty, sixty, hundred twenty, till the syringe was totally.
"Done. Done. I'm all done," she excitedly told as she sped through unscrewing things and putting everything back into place.
"Thanks, Hailey," Jay spoke as he did his best to sit back up. The height each were at right at that moment was both level and close. They hesitated in that place, almost like they were ready to make out. Hailey considered if this was the time, but the fact she now had toxic medication waste in her hands told her to hang on. But she swore there was more to his comment then just thanking her for giving him meds. It was in the eyes, the longing that she was convinced she saw. She was the first to break the awkward silence, that in real time was a couple seconds.
"I'm going to go throw this out. Do you need anything?"
"Maybe another Gatorade."
"Okay, sure you don't want food?"
"No, maybe later." It still bothered her that he wasn't eating like he normally did, but let things slide this time. She went to the kitchen and threw things out before heading to the fridge and claiming the requested item. The time was coming, she told herself, she had to just come out and say things. They were alone, they would be for awhile, and Jay is not in a dangerous place or still grasping something drastic. It wants the normal, fairytale setting for things, but this was the perfect moment to let things all out, she concluded. Tucking hair behind her ears and rubbing hands on her legs, Hailey picked herself up, pumped up that she could do it, and headed back into the living room.
"Here you go." She uncapped the Gatorade and handed it to Jay, who drank about half of it before requesting it be put back on the table. Hailey took a seat on the coffee table, making sure she didn't sit on the couch close to Jay's side. With all that had been going on with the residual limb, any movement or sitting on the bed on that side kick started terrible bouts of phantom pain. So they all made sure to keep that side as still and alone as possible till things died down.
"So."
"So."
"What do you want to do now?"
"I think I know what you want to do."
"Oh yeah?!" Surely things wouldn't be this easy. She held her breath for his response.
"The job offer." If she was being honest, part of her was letdown. While she did want to convince him to take it, that wasn't on her mind right this moment.
"Yeah, let's go over it a bit. I still can't get over the thought of walking into work and Platt not being there."
"But it would be replaced with me."
"Oh, so is that your decision?"
"Hypothetically. I should've added that." Hailey smirked, clasping hands and looking down at her lap before going on.
"Where did you see yourself in five, ten years?"
"Like before the accident?"
"Sure."
"Uuummm, honestly I really didn't think too much about it. You know, I'd have wild ideas or thoughts here or there, but there wasn't anything concrete in place. But absolutely I'd love to run Intelligence one day."
"And she did say that was a possibility?"
"We think a lot would hinge on how mobile I'll be that far down the road. But she said that I could do it. That Voight isn't super active and runs the department so there's no reason I couldn't."
"Well that's good, right?"
"Yeah, but still…it's just a lot." She couldn't help but nod, she totally got why he was struggling with things. While certainly it was an incredible and life changing offer, it wasn't what he was used to. He was a cops cop, a go-getter and super active person that wanted to do everything to protect people. So be yanked out of that and kept behind a desk all the time, it was a massive adjustment. Adding the fact he was already going through a massive life change outside of work, having yet another mountain to climb could be just too much right now.
"Jay, I totally get it. You're going through a lot right now and adding anything else to that wouldn't be helping things at all. But it doesn't sound like you'd be put on that track the second you got back to work."
"Yeah, that's true."
"To me, it sounds like in the immediate, this is how you get back up to Intelligence and then stay there till you inherit Platt's job."
"But, would you guys even want me back up there? Even if it was desk duty forever?"
"Jay, of course we would! We miss you so much right now. Do you know how weird it is to walk by an empty desk each day, with dusty post-it notes and random things that haven't been touched in months? We all miss you and what you bring to the team. We wouldn't care if you had to work from home and Zoom call everyday, we would be crushed if we lost you." It was here, the moment she'd been waiting for. It was a great segway, a perfect setting for what could come next. He was awake and not in pain and fine while she was ready to spit it out. Her hesitation and slight mouth opening had Jay beginning to connect the dots, or later on found out, check boxes he too had unfilled.
"What's going on," Jay began, providing her that door to things. He sat up all the way on the couch so that his right leg was firmly planted on the ground. Hailey wasn't sure where the emotions were coming from. Perhaps the recollection of how awful that day was, or maybe it was the relief that it all was about to come out, but as she did her best to speak it was through a flood of tears.
"That day, when I got that phone call, was probably the scariest, helpless, most awful day of my life. At the time when I got that phone call, we were about to enter a house and just on a whim answered my phone. Oh gosh." She couldn't continue. Her head was almost in her lap as her body just shook with tears and emotions. Jay tapped her on the back and held arms out before she very carefully but willingly accepted. They held each other for awhile, both fighting off things as they just enjoyed being that close and still able to feel the other. When one looked back on all that had happened over the last six months, the fact they were even at this point was a feat in and of itself.
"Jay, I can't lose you. I don't even want to think of life that didn't involve you. This is going to sound so stupid, but it is so true, you know when we talked way back in Florence about what makes us whole?" Jay nodded, Hailey feeling his chin move on her head.
"Well, you're part of my equation. And I don't even care what form of you that is. I don't care if you were down an arm and a leg or both legs or whatever. That is not what makes you, well, you. It's your heart and spirit and personality and you being there that completes you."
"I'm so sorry," he whispered as he pulled her in closer.
"Don't apologize, Jay. I'm not mad at all. But I just didn't realize all of this till that day and ever since then, it's been so apparent to me. You are what makes me all that I am today."
"Hailey, why do you think I asked you to be the emergency contact? Why do you think I asked you all the tough questions and had you come with me for those big, milestone things? Because I don't want to do this alone. More specifically, I want you there with me. I love you, Hailey. I always have and I haven't known how to say that so thanks for making that easier for me." She laughed at that, squeezing a bit tighter before looking at him.
"Not a problem, I love you too." In the dimly lit room with pillows and blankets and pill bottles all around, not to mention he hadn't bathed in a few days, lips met each other for the first time. Slowly, longingly, very passionately, like they had waited forever and ever to finally spill the truth of things. The kissing on the lips didn't last long, in no time both were truly going at it, letting the other know just how much they loved. Soon Hailey was taking off articles of clothing while giggling, going back to the other truth that they were in Will's apartment.
"Hailey, what are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Socks, pants were in the process of coming off.
"But I don't think I can do this while on heparin."
"You weren't told that you couldn't." Now the shirt was slowly being unbuttoned.
"Yeah, because I didn't ask."
"Jay, it'll be fine. I'll be gentle."
"I really don't think this is a good idea with the PIC line thing."
"Jay, it's long term and super in there. We won't pull it out." Shirt was totally off now, revealing the hard, fit, perfect body of Hailey's. She only had one layer of clothing left to go.
"Hailey, are we sure about this?"
"Jay, I'm standing here totally naked and wanting to have mad sex with you. Are you ready or not?" Well, when she put things that way, it wasn't really a choice at all.
"Yes, I'm totally in." With the help of Hailey and her hands and mouth, soon Jay was also totally naked and having the time of his life. He'd never wanted someone so much in his life and things never felt so right. They loved each other so much and were so connected and in sync right now. Even when their antics had them falling on the floor, both could only laugh at how crazy they were before continuing their love making. If all that Jay had gone through was to get them to this spot, in this condition, in Will's place, Jay was one hundred percent in support of it.
…
"Well…yeah…that was interesting." They were wrapped up in one of the larger blankets Will had put on Jay, pillows propped under the residual limb and both of their heads. Things went on for quite awhile, Jay's pain tolerance being the thing that got them to calm down. From there it was a hilarious return to how Will left things, Jay in unbelievable pain while Hailey rushed to get him what he needed. For a split second Hailey was worried they'd have to call Will in for help, but miraculously the pain meds decided to kick in and do their thing. Once that was handled, Hailey rejoined Jay on the floor, both of them catching their breath before they had to get dressed again and returned to their places.
"Yeah, that was a lot of fun." Hailey rolled over and kissed his cheek while Jay stroked her hair a few times.
"You know, I was kind of wondering how that would all work being down a leg. But if we were able to do all of that and I'm this bad off, I think I'll be just fine." Hailey lifted the blanket and looked down, proud of them for not even disturbing the dressings on the residual limb, nor did they cause any phantom pain. For the first time ever, Jay had granted her the allowance to see his leg. She agreed with herself that it was different and weird at first, but it didn't change how she felt about him. It was Jay, her Jay, and she was perfectly alright with that.
"What are you looking at," he asked?
"You." She pulled herself away, returning the blanket to her body before rolling to her side to see him.
"Thanks for allowing me to see it."
"It's a leg, Hailey. I don't like calling my leg 'it.'" He was totally teasing her.
"And you're welcome. I'm sorry it took so long for me to trust you."
"It's fine, Jay. There isn't a timeline of things. I just feel honored that you even trust me with that."
"So, what do you think?"
"I think that it's your leg and you are still the same person. You're amazing either way. I'm really proud of you for getting to this point." The two of them kissed a couple times, the sound of Hailey's phone buzzing ending things sooner then they wanted.
"Just the alarm for pain med check. Do you need another boost?"
"Yeah, let's go ahead and do it. The first round is wearing off and things are starting to throb." Hailey dressed herself first before assisting Jay, being extra slow around the leg. Once they were fully clothed the two worked together to get Jay up and on the couch. It was a rather slow and painful, sloth-like motion and they eventually got there. Jay was closing his eyes and muttering to himself to breathe as Hailey repropped pillows before telling Jay to gently fall back onto them. A couple blankets tossed on, another Gatorade taken out of the fridge, and they were ready for more pain meds.
"I really hope we didn't break anything. I do not want to explain any of this to Will." Hailey laughed in agreement.
"Oh Lord, he'd never let that one go. Is your breathing still okay? I don't see any bruising so no internal bleeding."
"No, breathing is fine. It's just the pain still. Maybe we shouldn't have done what we did."
"Do you regret it," Hailey asked as she began injecting the pain meds into the PIC line?
"No, not at all. I'll suffer the pain for that." Way to go Jay, making Hailey smile with pride.
"So going back to what we were originally talking about, I think I'm going to take it."
"Really?" Hailey's eyes went wide as her whole person tensed up with excitement.
"You raised the question from awhile ago about being whole and I definitely think the job is part of that equation. It's you, it's the job, it's my role in life. I can't imagine doing anything else. Am I going to hate never being able to go out into the streets. Yeah, definitely. But that could change depending on how well this redo goes."
"But for right now?"
"Oh, crutches and I are bffs for a few months. But I love what I do and I have really missed it so much. Whenever I get cleared to come back, I think I'm going to accept Trudy's offer." Hailey unscrewed the syringe before leaning over to kiss Jay another time.
"I'm so excited for that and seriously cannot wait. Plus, Sergeant Halstead has a nice ring to it."
"Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves."
"Oh come on, we know you'll pass and you'll be amazing, overtaking Intelligence one day. It's so perfect for you." Her phone buzzed once again, Hailey groaning to answer it before it stopped. She was in the kitchen but could hear one word answers: great, yes, no, awesome, pain. The call ended a little over a minute after it started, Hailey fluttering back into the living room with the look of tidying in her eyes.
"Put something on TV and make it look like you didn't leave the couch today." The buttons just barely missed his face, Jay reacting with hands catching the remote.
"Okay?!"
"No, I'm serious Jay. Will is a couple minutes out and we cannot act like we just did something wonderful."
"Fine, whatever. But Hailey?" She turned around flustered, trying to clean up everything in the smallest amount of time.
"We need to do that again someday." Never had Jay ever felt so much like himself. He'd found his path, his purpose, his person: those were the parts that made him whole.
One chapter left! How do you guys feel about how things went in this chapter? We all had to know it was coming. They were so close before the accident, the bond only growing stronger since then. Yes, it may have come on kind of quick and waited till the end, but I feel they needed that big spark to things to then see where things go from there. I hope you all enjoyed! Can't believe our time is almost over.