Hello! This was supposed to be a Paradigm Shift update, but… I accidentally lost my file (again!), and now it's gone. Realistically, I'll be updating this story until I can force myself to rewrite it, but I'm still mourning.
Serendipity
Chapter 13: Kokuhaku (Love Confession)
The night was dark and humid, the summer rain making Hikari feel like she was underwater. There had been no predicted precipitation in this morning's weather report, but luckily she was always prepared with an umbrella in her bag. She couldn't wait until she was inside the oasis of air conditioning, but as she approached her apartment complex, she saw a tall, blond figure standing outside her building, looking up at it.
She brightened upon seeing him, surprised by his presence. Takeru had told her earlier that he had dinner plans, so she wasn't expecting him until later that night. As stealthily as she could so he wouldn't notice, she approached him from behind and sprang to hug him. She wrapped her arms around his long torso and squeezed hard as she rubbed her face in the back of his shirt.
"Takeryu~"
The figure turned around, and she audibly gasped as she came face-to-face with not Takeru but his brother, Yamato. His usually fierce eyes widened with alarm, and she quickly let go of her grip on him as she realised what she had just done. Red in the face, she stumbled backwards and apologised profusely. Her umbrella fell out of her hand, but she was too mortified to notice.
"Oh, my gosh! Yamato, I'm so sorry!"
He looked nearly as embarrassed as her but didn't draw attention to her mistake, instead picking up the umbrella that had fallen by his feet and handing it back to her.
There was no question that Yamato and Takeru looked related, but Hikari had never gotten the two of them confused before. In school, Takeru was still growing, so it was easy to tell them apart purely from height alone. Now fully grown as adults, they were around the same height with very similar body frames. They looked nearly identical from the back, though their appearances and aura were so different once they turned around. Whereas Takeru was friendly and approachable, Yamato's sharper features and overall presence were so much more intimidating.
"What brings you here?" she asked him nervously, attempting to fix her hair that had flattened in the humidity. She held the umbrella up higher so to cover his head too.
He put his hands in his pockets and looked at her with his usual cool indifference.
"Are you free to talk?"
He rejected her invitation into her home, so they went to a café nearby, one Takeru liked that she hoped Yamato would like too. He held her pink umbrella between them as they walked side-by-side. He didn't have his own and had tried to tell her he didn't need one, but they were sharing hers on her insistence. The dry area they shared underneath it was limited, but Hikari still found herself trying to stand as far away him his as possible. Although the walk was short, it felt so much longer just due to awkwardness that she had once never felt around him.
When they reached the café, they found it was nearly empty. This was typical of Odaiba, where it only got busy on weekends and public holidays, but Hikari wished there was a bit more noise to drown out whatever conversation they were about to have.
He offered to buy their tea to thank her for sharing her umbrella, so while he purchased their order at the till, she chose a small table off to the side for some privacy. It would have just been so much easier had he just come into her flat.
She fiddled with her phone as she waited. She wondered whether she should text Takeru to let him know that she was getting tea with his brother, but she second-guessed herself and decided to wait until she would see him later that night.
Yamato finally walked over, balancing their order in his hands, and she felt bad that she hadn't gotten up to help him. Not only did he get her the tea she had selected, but he also got her a slice of cake—again, to thank her. He placed both in front of her before settling down with his own cup of tea.
From the corner of her eye, she could see the cashier steal glances of admiration towards him. She sometimes wondered what it must be like to be as stunning as him or Mimi, for the two of them always seemed to grab easy attention.
She was surprised how nervous she felt sitting across from him, and she had to remind herself that he was in fact her friend.
"What are you doing in Tokyo?" she asked him after she thanked him.
"I dropped by to see Taichi and Sora." His response elicited a surprised reaction from her, and he raised an eyebrow, thinking she was judging him. "I see them frequently," he explained.
Hikari knew that neither her brother nor Sora considered it "frequent" but stayed quiet. Come to think of it, she wondered how he had found out where she lived. Probably either Taichi or Sora had told him, but it was strange. He had never cared to go out of his way for her before.
As if reading her mind, he jumped straight into it.
"I wanted to talk to you because it seems you're seeing Takeru now."
She immediately felt uncomfortable and tried to draw attention away from it by piercing her cake with her fork, breaking apart the perfectly placed strawberry and fluffy white cream.
"Does that bother you?" she asked him quietly, staring at her cake.
He paused to take another sip of his tea. Hikari noticed that he had ordered the same kind that Takeru would always get.
"I'm curious. You didn't like him before. What's made you suddenly change your mind?"
She was taken aback. She felt like he was being rude, but she was too passive to call him out on it. Instead, she took a bite of the cake he had gotten her to avoid answering him right away.
As she chewed, she thought about how nice it was of him to get it for her.
"Does it bother you that Takeru and I are seeing each other?" she asked again, not really answering his question.
"It does," Yamato answered flatly, as if he had been waiting for her to ask. His quick and forward answer startled her.
She felt hot. It was true that she and Yamato were not necessarily close—nowhere near as much as her and Takeru or him and her brother—but she didn't think he looked down on her. She wasn't sure what she had done to make him this way. Was it because she hadn't date Takeru in school? That seemed so petty.
"Why?" she asked him, her voice so quiet that she wasn't sure whether he had heard.
"I don't really want to watch my brother get hurt," Yamato answered.
She felt the blood pulsing in her head. He was insinuating that it was a given that she would. She felt like he had not only pushed her down but had given her a kick for good measure too.
"I don't really think you two are that compatible either," he continued.
She had never once heard anyone say that the two of them were incompatible. In fact, so many people had constantly linked the two of them together during their schooling years that it had somewhat bothered her back then. Now that she was with him, she didn't like the feeling.
"I'm very happy with your brother," she said, her voice so timid that it made her angry at herself. "I don't want to hurt him."
"But you will anyway," he said back to her. Unlike her, he had no pauses before speaking. He had started off looking a bit like he didn't wanted to be there either, but he was now nowhere near as uncomfortable as her. "Or maybe he'll hurt you. He goes back to France soon. Why are you guys working for a relationship that has an expiration date? That doesn't make any sense to me."
She was shocked by his words, partly because she knew they were true. They hadn't really talked about it. Would they do long distance? How far would that go?
She tried to play it off.
She smiled, even though she felt it inappropriate. "Does it bother you so much that you decided to stop by Odaiba just to talk to me?"
He didn't smile back. "I'm actually here to get dinner with my father."
Hikari grew even more embarrassed. She had probably just proven herself to be just as selfish as he currently saw her.
"But, yes, I also did drop by for that." Yamato looked at her curtly, his expressive eyes on her in a what was not really a glare but felt like one. "I think you should break up with him."
She felt bullied. She wanted to stand up for herself, but Yamato was so intimidating, and she stared at her cake instead. He was nothing like Takeru. She wondered whether he had also had this conversation with Taichi earlier, and whether her brother felt the same.
Why was he talking to her instead of Takeru anyway? Was it because he found her so easy to walk all over? She felt angry.
"You realise the more you keep putting it off, the more upsetting it'll be when he leaves," he added when she didn't say anything.
She continued to play with her food.
He pressed further. "You do know that Takeru has to go back, right?"
She looked up finally, if only to make him stop.
"Do you hate me?" she asked him.
To her continued surprise, she saw a sudden transformation in Yamato's handsome face. He went from looking surly to… apologetic? What was this emotion? It was only for a second, but she knew it was there. The brief moment of change reminded her of Takeru.
"I can see how much you care for him," she said quietly, "but I care for him too. I care about Takeru a lot."
He went back to looking annoyed. She was scared of whatever else he could say to her. She wasn't good enough for Takeru. Nobody in his family believed she was good enough for Takeru. She was wasting his time. She was nothing.
She was preparing herself for the worst, but he only said, "I should get going. I'm late for my dinner. It'd be best if you don't mention this conversation to him. He'd probably be upset."
Even though she was hurt, she offered him her umbrella. He declined and left her by herself in the café.
She didn't want to waste her food, so she forced herself to eat the cake that he had bought her and finished her tea. Yamato hadn't finished his. When she walked out of the café, she saw the same cashier look at her with pity, as if she had just been dumped.
She had always liked Yamato. He tended to be distant, but even so she had always considered him her friend. She wasn't sure what she had done for him to be so against her, but she felt she could cry.
She heard Takeru's voice just outside of her flat and opened the door before he knocked. He had his phone to his ear, speaking in rapid French. He looked at her apologetically before ending the conversation and hanging up.
She repeated the only word she had understood because he said it so often. "Ouais."
He grinned at her as he pocketed his phone. "I've told you not to copy that. Say 'oui.'"
"Oui, oui."
He cupped her face lovingly and kissed her. "You'll be fluent in no time."
She noticed as he stepped into the light that he was wet from the rain, his hair and clothes sticking to his skin.
"Eek, Takeru, you're soaked!" she exclaimed, urging him inside.
He laughed as she took off his jacket, assuring her that he could do it himself. She demanded he take off his wet clothes before he catch a cold, then went to the cupboard to get him a new towel and the laundry basket before returning to him. He placed his discarded clothes inside the laundry basket, while she ran the towel over his face.
He lowered his height. "My hair is wet too."
"Dry yourself," she teased, though she didn't hesitate to run the towel through his dripping hair. She gave him the towel to dry the rest of himself off, then left again to get him a change of clothes from her room.
She had managed to clear a space in her wardrobe just for him. She always had the previous Friday's work outfit hanging after being dry-cleaned, but folded up neatly in her dresser lay the rest, ranging from daily clothes to casual loungewear to miscellaneous items like underwear and socks. She picked a pair of pyjamas and brought it back out for him. She held them in her hands as he changed into them.
"Why don't you have an umbrella?"
"I gave mine to my brother because he didn't have one. We were just eating around the corner, so I didn't expect to get so wet. He has a long way to go, but I figured I could just borrow another one from you tomorrow."
Hikari grew silent. Yamato had mentioned a dinner with his father. He hadn't mentioned Takeru would also be in attendance. Come to think of it, Takeru had also just told her he had dinner plans without mentioning it'd be with his family too.
"Do you reckon I can wash these?" he asked, checking his trousers.
"I don't think you should," Hikari warned. "You can just hang them to dry, and we'll take them to the cleaners in the morning."
Rather than do that, however, he walked over to her and dropped them both on the couch, practically wrapping himself around her.
"Takeru!" she squealed, the damp hair from his fringe cool against her forehead as he kissed her repeatedly. She wanted to scold him for leaving his wet clothes out, but she didn't because she wanted him to keep kissing her too.
He finally pulled away, centimetres from her face and beaming at her. Takeru's happiness was infectious, and seeing him so happy made her suddenly so happy too.
"How was your dinner?" she asked him, moving pieces of his fringe away from his eyes.
He grew increasingly excited as he told her about it, particularly that Yamato was up for a promotion at work. The way he spoke, it was so obvious how highly he thought of his brother. He looked as excited as he would have been had it been his own promotion.
She felt like a bad person, but she couldn't return his enthusiasm. She was still feeling uneasy by Yamato's confrontation, which had left an unpleasant taste in her mouth.
Even though she tried her best, Takeru could sense her mood was off, especially when he had finished telling her about his dinner, and she had given him little reaction.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, looking confused.
She didn't want to wreck his happiness with some stupid problem of hers. She wouldn't tell him about Yamato, especially now when he was so thrilled for him.
"Takeru, what are we?" she asked instead, her tone serious.
The smile on his face faded, disappearing in just a second.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Without waiting for an answer, he got off her and picked up the wet clothes he had left dangling from her hamper. He carried it off to her balcony where the clothing line was.
She scrambled off the couch and followed him.
"I mean what are we?" she repeated, talking to the back of his head. Looking at him from behind, he really did look like he could be Yamato.
"I don't know what you're asking me, Hikari," he said, throwing his work clothes over the clothing line.
He obviously did know, and it bothered her that he was pretending he didn't. He seemed unfazed by her silence and walked back inside once he was done with his task. Still in the balcony, she watched as he picked up the laundry hamper and disappeared into the hallway. She followed and found him pressing buttons on her washing machine.
"Do you have anything else you need to wash?" he asked, dumping the contents of the laundry hamper inside.
"Takeru, I asked you a question."
He turned to her with a warm smile. "What question, Hikari?"
"What will we be when you go back to France?" she asked him directly. He turned back and ran the machine, still not answering. Frustrated, she mirrored Yamato's words. "Takeru, do we have an expiration date?"
He turned to her again with an odd look on his face. He looked surprised, maybe even angry.
"Who said that?" he asked.
"Nobody," Hikari answered quickly. "I was just thinking about it…"
He didn't look like he believed her, and Hikari considered the possibility that perhaps Yamato had given Takeru a similar spiel at dinner. She wondered if she had just given herself away.
He turned back to the machine, then turned again to look back at her. When he did, the aggravated look on his face was gone, replaced instead with his usual pleasant one.
"I want to be with you no matter what, Hikari," he said to her. He took her by the hands and brought them to his lips. "There is no expiration date. I'm working on it."
"What does that even mean?"
"I don't want to jinx it. Just trust me." He tried to kiss her lips this time, but she wouldn't let him. She put her hands against his chest to prevent him from getting closer to her.
"No. What does that mean, Takeru?"
She was trying to be firm, but Takeru grinned at her as if he wasn't taking her seriously. She sometimes wished he didn't always look so in control and unbothered. His placid disposition, stacked on top of how Yamato had confronted her, made her reach a boiling point.
"We aren't even together," she said to him. "Whenever I try to ask, you just avoid the question." She suddenly felt like crying. "Why don't you ever answer me? Are you just hoping I won't notice?"
She thought she must have looked very dejected, because Takeru too suddenly appeared crestfallen.
"Hikari, no, I'm sorry," he said to her. "I'm not avoiding the question. I just… I don't want to jinx it."
"Jinx what?" she asked him, trying to sound firm but knowing she sounded more curious.
He chuckled nervously. "Actually, I…" Usually so good at keeping eye contact, he kept looking off to the side. She felt his heart beat faster against her palms. "I put in a request a few weeks ago to transfer offices."
She stared at him, trying to understand what he was saying. She definitely hadn't been expecting that to be his answer.
"What do you mean by 'transfer'?"
"I mean move back," he answered. "I think I have a good shot because they're trying to expand in Asia anyway. I have citizenship here, so there's no messy visa situation, and I have enough tenure where I could probably be of help here."
He looked sheepishly her way. She hadn't budged.
"It's just not confirmed yet, so I didn't want to get my hopes up in case they decline. They might just because they'd then have to replace my position in France. They said it would more likely be a long-term goal for the future, but for now I'd have to go back."
The speed of her own heart beat surpassed his.
"I can see why you didn't want to jinx it," she said finally, a little stunned. "You're going to move back to Tokyo?"
She could hear the happiness in her voice. Her heart kept pounding against her chest as her understanding of the prospect continued to set, and she felt like she could cry again, this time from elation.
"Yes," he answered, taking her hands in his and giving them a squeeze. His own two hands felt much more stable than hers. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier. I just wanted to wait until I had confirmation of what's going to happen before I tell you. At first, I was going to leave it up to my company to approve, but now I've decided that even if they decline my request, I'm just going to quit and move back anyway."
She pulled her hands away from his so he couldn't feel them shaking as she continued to process the facets of his decision, understanding that it wasn't just about them being together but also what they would have to give up. "Takeru, that's drastic. You love your job."
"I do, but not as much as I want to be here with you. I want this more than anything, even if it means I have to move across the world and change jobs. Will you take care of me when I'm unemployed?"
He laughed lightly but was looking at her with such intensity, and her initial excitement waned, replaced instead with a passive fear that Takeru was making major life choices because of her. She realised he had unilaterally reached this point, and she wondered if he had done it that way to put the burden solely on his life.
He wasn't asking her to compromise. There was more at stake for him. Was this what Yamato had meant?
She could see the eagerness in Takeru's eyes now that he had told her. It seemed to be a burden off his chest to say it even though it hadn't even happened yet.
"Have you talked to anyone else yet?" she asked him.
"I've already talked to my mum, and I just told my father and brother tonight."
She wanted to ask what they thought, but she couldn't, remembering Yamato's intimidating face. She didn't even want to know. He probably actually despised her now.
"What about your grandmother? Doesn't she need you in France?"
He paused. "We're working to get her the support she needs."
She translated his answer to mean that his grandmother did in fact still need him, and suddenly she felt like she was stealing him from his family. Yamato probably thought the same.
As if reading her mind, he added, "I've already given her ten years of my life, Hikari. I enjoyed that time, but this is what I want now. All I want is to just be with you. My grandmother will understand. She'll want me to be happy."
As he was speaking, she saw a blank look in his eyes that went away the moment he blinked.
Takeru.
She wanted to call his name but didn't. She didn't even know what it was that she wanted to say.
"Wouldn't that be great, Hikari?" he asked her, taking her by the hands again. "Then we can be together forever."
The expression on his face still looked calm, but she could see the hopeful look in his eyes tinged with desperation.
While she had been dreading the moment Takeru would leave, she hadn't really given the next steps a proper thought. She had assumed Takeru had been the same, with his graceful, composed way of weaving through life, but the reality was that he must have been thinking a lot—a whole lot more than her.
Now recognising that he had been doing all that he could to make this work, she was ashamed of herself for having doubted him, for thinking he was avoiding it when in reality it was only she who had.
Everyone always said that Takeru liked her a lot more than she liked him. She never believed those words—and she still didn't—but she could now understand why they had said it. He hadn't actually said the words to her, but it was obvious to her that he loved her. She loved him too, but…
If he were to ask, she didn't think she would move to France for him.
She supposed it was different. He had a life here. He had friends and family and was raised here. It wasn't that drastic of a change, she thought, but she was just trying to make herself feel less guilty. In actuality, he was telling her that he'd be willing to throw his life away—his job, his grandmother, his last decade—for the sole reason to be with her. He was putting all his trust into the belief that their relationship would work out.
In a single moment, she went from believing they were not committed to suddenly thinking they were being too hasty.
"Won't you miss your life there?"
Takeru looked to the side, but this time he was missing that dim look. When he turned to her, he was smiling.
"When I think about France in a vacuum, then yes, I will miss it, but when I think about it in relation to you, then no. When I first moved to France, I was so homesick for Japan, but I don't have that same feeling this time around. France was just a place where I lived, but this is my home. And this is where you live too. I can drop my life there if it means I can be with you."
She didn't know how she was reacting at the moment, her mind filled with thoughts that no matter how she thought about it, she wouldn't do the same if the roles were reversed. She wondered why she was even thinking about that hypothetical situation, because that setting wasn't real, and this was, and in the real situation that existed right now, Takeru was willing to move back.
He was solving every setback for her, so why wasn't she more excited?
"Hikari."
Takeru had called her name.
"Pardon?"
"I asked have you already eaten?"
She hadn't, so he offered to eat with her again even though he had just had dinner. She suppressed her feelings and answered as if nothing was wrong, but suddenly, she was nervous.
Suddenly, she could see what Yamato must have been able to see all along.
4 October 2020
"Kokuhaku," which was used as the title for the third tri. movie, is actually often used in the context of confessing to a person that you like them, so that is why I translated it as "love confession."