/Hey, again um ya its been a while. Not been doing the best not in the slightest but thats okay ahahah well yep :) Thank you for reading. Sorry for any grammar or spelling errors in advance (no really this time it is shit bahahah)/

TRIGGER WARNING: Language, Self Harm, Eating disorders, Panic attacks, Drugs (Please read at your own risk, take care of yourself please)

Now moment

Ava and I do some much needed calm time for the both of us I am working so hard. I take the double shifts in the library. I think If it keep this up for two more months I'll be good to go and reach my aunt. Ok so we have not been keeping the calm on. In reality she is just taking a rest and recuperation because she has to go back to the wallflower in a few weeks. So I am trying to enjoy some money. It is not working though have you ever met my anxiety he hates me to the moon and back. So in between smiling and being happy I have been trying not to cry.

There is still so much that is trapped in my system and I cant get it out. Like if you put air inside something then wanted it out but it can't because you sealed the only way out for it so It is stuck practically pacing back and forth. I love the library I try to soak up the words everyday. I take them in and hold them I cradle them In my arms like there something special. Then when I get home I put them in the little brown notebook that Ava bought me so I could put my mind into words not cuts. I think things are getting better. There are still things that sting inside but I have tried to cover them up. One day Ava and I go on a little hike. We take her grandmother's car out into the little forest by the side of the town. We find the little path covered by flowers.

Ava says "I have something I want to show you" we walk down this path for what feels like forever. Each step feels different like I am walking in something I don't quite understand yet. We reach this little outcove. There Is an old little house sitting in the middle there are vines covering the entire home they have wrapped themselves around the little cottage. The paint has begun to chip away at the sides of the house the roofs shingles have been uprooted and kind of are just laying everywhere. "What Is this place?" I ask Ava. "It was my home." She responds a deep sadness covers her face clouding over any of the joy that was there minutes ago. She leads me to the little house and opens the door, everything is mostly as it was when they lived here last. There is a litte couch in the living room covered in wine or is that blood?

It smells of both. We wander through each room until Ava sops outside of one. "This was my room when I was your age" It was decently well decorated It had blue walls and calm tones to it. But the stuffed animals on her bed were moldy and old looking. The wall looked to have cigarette marks on it of someone putting out their cigarettes. I sucked in a breath. I looked at the pictures of this little smiling girl with pigtails and her mom dad and brother all together. But something was off in the next few pictures there was no more little brother. And the moms and dads eyes held a deep sadness.

"Where is your brother?" "He was killed, in the summer of 84' there was this child killer on the loose and one day Max as playing in the garden when I was out getting some wild flowers down the road my mom and my dad had both gone to the store and left me here to watch him. But the man made his way in to our house he took my little brother from the garden and stabbed him in the back 15 times all I could hear from down the road was his screams. I ran so fast that day. But I was too late the last thing my little bother said to me was help me ava help then I lost him." Her eye look haunted she leads me to his room. There is nothing moldy everything is in place as if it is time machine had kept it clean from the harsh time. "Betty comes here and cleans thing room only this room on the day he died and on his birthday" I look to the little dinosaurs and toys lined on the shelves.

I noticed there were a few chapter books that I think he was learning to read higher level books before he passed. " So Mhila I get what it is like to lose someone close to you and think it was your fault. It took me a lot of time to get over this and tell myself look it is ok and I did not kill him. Beacse what happen I could not contoal and if I had been there with him the chance i would be dead here today would be highly possible, I want to say love life but that would be wrong if you look at it when pepole say that they trying to convice them selves a lie shit when he dided we became the center of fucking atettion that is a part of why I left this little town i could not take it. Then when I was 18 my dad committed suisicde and left me and my mom in the world alone to face fucking demons we could not face alone." She sighs. "Well enough of that heavy shit" We walk out of the little house and back down the wet path the smell of the forest was confertign to my skin. I wish that this would last forever where my anxiety can't touch me. But I konow better thrn to let that work its way in to my head fuck. When we reach the car we head to get some hot coco down at a little dinner out in the medow. It was this little stange and hippy place that had a butch od tide die every where lined with peace signs. I wondered if the coco would be spiked with some hippy drug. When we sit dow Ava asks me about my Mom and Dad. " well" I start " My story is nothing compared to yours mom and Dad where a normal but both hard core drinkers and they came together and had me there mistake child. When I was born they both worked hard to be the best they could be for me and they were the best for so many years but then my dad got on drugs when I was 14 he was so fill and consumed by those little monsters that he left us but before that he would hit my mom and me.

Then yell terrible things at us. Him leaving Is what sent my mother in to a depression spiral. She stopped caring about me she went on the drugs she was always drinking and she would hurt me not caring about any of the way that would affect me and I had to learn how to worry and care about myself. Then my best friend when I was 16 killed herself. I was sent to that mental hosiptal I told you about then my mom came get me and I wondered is this when she will care about me for me and take me back in to her loving arms but no all she did was send me on this crazy fuck up journey to find my aunt that I dont even know who she is I have an adress and hope. Not really the hope part Owen squashed that he took that away from me I have to start again. But that's where I am now" Ava looked at me like she understood everything I had said. " come on let's go have some normal ish fun?" she smiled we spent the rest of the day redecorating the little apartment now there are two twin beds in the corner with comfy duvet covers on them. We have shower certain now and the table has a nice linen cloth on it. We have fairy lights hanging on the wall. We have printed pictures of things that make us happy and put them on the walls. They brighten the place up so much. We have put in two bean bags and changed out the couch.

We had gone to the local thrift shop to get some books and now we have a shelf filled with wonder wide rage of books. I smile to myself, I like it. I know Betty would approve of her granddaughters decorating style. We find an old projector too we set it up and watch breakfast at tiffanys on the big screen meaning the living room wall. Then Ava takes me at around midnight to the the big filed out by the hippy place. We look at the stars for what feels like hours. Is this what a normal girls night is about is it about having fun and enjoying yourself being silly and laughing over shit that is not really needed but it is there? I wish that was the way it went everything I described happened but what Ava did not see was it behind the clock work in my brain the man we feeding me many little things throughout the day when we were decorating it told me why do I try anymore? When we watch brefast at tiffnys all it kept saying was you will never look that good your fucking fat look at your legs whats the deal with that you bitch. You cant even control yourself, You need to stop eating you need to fix this and that about you know Ava doesn't like you not even one but you know that right? She is just here with you beacse of fucking god knows what? You don't. The rest of the week was that quote on quote fun of stuff. But the whole time I was shoving things down my thoughts.

My god I felt so guilty I could not hurt Ava after everything she had been thought and how she was trying to help me I felt so bad for feeling like this. My fault my fault! I feel like this it is my fucking god damm fult why cant I ge the fucking hell over it Why cant I be normal wake up one day with out cravings to kill myself to hurt to burn. Why can no one fucking fix me. I want to be happy for conce to truly be just happy no fucking stings attacted to anything. I feel like I am roleplaying in someone else's life like right now my life's a stage and I am playing some strange roll in it hoping that I can and will wake up from this trabbile dream that has locked me in to its emotional walls with its full and round emptiness and shit

. At the end of the week of "fun" Ava asks me how was this week and was I feeling better I forced the most fake smile you have ever seen. And said yes and yes I am getting better and enjoying life to the fullest at the moment! I thanked her over and over again. Until she said " I think we all get the point. All very jokingly we both laughed and sat in the fire escape drinking beers getting lost in the never ending night.

Dear Irie

lie~

Description

A lie is an assertion that is believed to be false, typically used with the purpose of deceiving someone. The practice of communicating lies is called lying. A person who communicates a lie may be termed a liar.

Ok, Ok. Yes I am here to talk about shit. I will now say the shitty corptate stuff that everyone always wants to hear am I right? Ok here it goes: I am stressed, I have been really stressed out lately, It is just manley school and tests and shit. It is just putting more pressure then normal on me. Ya I have anxiety with that so everything has just been a lot lately Oh my anxiety I have had since forever.

(I also have depression with that/ I self harm too and try to kill myself on a regular basis) when I have panic attacks I have all these wonderful staginess to calm myself and I am fine in the end. I just have a lot on my plate at the moment. Nothing to big (I want to die) I sometimes feel like really bad but it goes away you know? but but of course I have all these tequies and shit to help with all of that so so don't worry about me (Please see I am screamming )

I I am ok now I think I can go back to my normal life and shit like that (No I can't I am telling you that so you won't worry about me) I lead a double life with you Irie. I felt like two face for the longest time One moment I am this happy and sportive girl who is there for you to another Girl the one who Is to scared to even leave the corner. it was like night and day they were two separate things. as diffrent as cold and hot night and day. when i had to transition between the two it was scary as fuck it felt like someone ripping off your skin then putting on something alien to you over the bear bones. But you don't see I have lerened to hide that shit from you. For as long as I could. I did a pretty good job at it! look at me happy one minute dead the next. come on if I told you what would you have done? I go inbetween the two back and fourth back and fourth. I am emberssed you know? of the shit I do with the razors. So I hide it cover it up like a secret that I have to hide and Hide it quick.

it is like I am trying to squish out a fire that keeps burning and burning no matter what. There have been so many times when I am having a fuck treiable panic attack and I think that I can't do this anymore no I know I can't do it I don't have it under control I have no control any control that I had is gone my strategies don't work anymore not now at least. I see help someone who could get me though this so i would not have to fight this long battle alone but of course, but I alway just put my head down and suffer alone. i run away turn my head away from getting that help that can make it so I am not alone during this because look I don't want to be alone when this hits. but it is ten fucking times worse when you see the help that you can ask for but you don't take it! well being a fuck up is one of the bigger ones, then there are smaller ones like trust issues I have a lot of trust issues you know? when my dad left my mom

I lost all trust with anyone around me. Because why trust anyone? we cant trust anyone truly you tell someone something then they have that they can tell anyone they can spread that like it is wildfire or treat it like it is money that can be bought or exchanged. Some care for you and keep the secrets because we all have people who keep our sectrnts and people who have seen our scars. but we have to put trust in to them because when we dont it crashes everything down much harder then before I wish so much in my soul that I had had a screed keeper

I am sorry Irie it could not be you but your tank you had nothing left. I remember you trexting me I can't to much to much I spent the night with you talking you though panic attack after panic attack. I tried to keep you safe to hold you close to me. But I could never tell when I was doing to much I did not want to be pushing somthing that did not need pushing. But when you got mad oh holy mother of fuck run away you were scary scary. My god I am so sorry all this letter is a mess my god. I don't know what I am trying to say anynmore.

Now moment

Ava and I are sitting at the little coffee table in the morning counting the amount of money I have currently and after I keep working extra hours and bubble shits i will be able to leave real soon. I am excited about that I guess the day did start out on an ok note! Relief floods my system today Ava has to go out of town to take care of something she won't tell me what though I wave goodbye to her as she pulls out of the driveway into the early morning rain. I head down to work did I mention it is raining today I dont even fucking care as my hair plasteres itself to my face, I feel like there are tears covering my cheks but it is just the rain.

The town looks different when it is covered by grey. Everything looks less cheerful in a way. walking is calming did you know that? I did each step is the thing that keeps you grounded. It keeps me grounded. I hold on to the ground and I don't let it go . One step breathe, two step breathe, three step breathe. Then I am at work just like that the mini game kept me safe I was safe. I sit down at the desk ready to fill the pages with word of my own and of others Ideas I keep in my pockets for rainy days like this one. It is a quarter past lunch when my phone rings.

I think oh it is Ava checking in on me but when I open the phone it is a number I dont know, I pick it up anyway beacsue hell i am so fucking bored at the moment. A static voice comes over the line,

"hello is this Mhila?"

" yes this is she, what do you need"

"Mhila it is nurse ruby"

"Nurse ruby why are you calling me?"

"I wanted to let you know that I am very sorry for your loss"

My voice picks up in panic

"What why?" I am sputtering at this point.

"Lewis he refused to eat then he was so weak and he ripped out his needs from his life support and stabbed them in to his heart, I am so sorry, and Lilly…"

"Oh god Lilly?" I am numb frozen, don't float, don't float I try to tell myself

" Yes Lilly, she um well Od-ed, then burned off her hair, finally decapatating herself, I know this is not the news you wanted to hear but it was in both their wills to inform you if somthing were to happen again I am so so sorry."

Static fills the line, fire blood Lilly in the middle of it, Lewis paper thin covered in blood his eyes white. the images cant leave me head.

Lewis I liked him because he was a good kid how was he dead? Lilly oh god Lilly dead…. Again and again and again it happened again just like with Irie no no no no I can't take this I can't. My breath is catching in my throat I drop the phone where it is. My brain is in a daze. I stumble onto the street stumbling in the rain.

I can't go back to the little place of Ava's and mine. I stumble in to a seven eleven and grab all the razors off the shelf, two boxes of panadol, two boxes of advil. My eyes are blurring with the rain and tears.I think there are people calling out my name but I can't hear anything at the moment it is all blurry. I head to the place where Ava and I hung out and watch the stars the other night. I find a hill 15 meters from there. I take the razors out of the box carefully one by one as to not disturb the careful structure of them. I take the pills one by one, like a game.

My mind is spinning in curicles I cant I cant it hurts to much I am too full and empty at the same time my body fitghting itself it is fucking daining and I cant take it.. I place the razors in one long line like I did with the wine. In the muddy grass I cry I punch at the patches of mud. why my god why this not this again why me what the fuck did I do? I can't do this anymore! I strip down to my little tank top and my shorts i let the rain wash away all of the tears and the mind that has plastered itself to my body. . I take my body and fling it to the razors on the ground, I feel my skin being ripped from my body I feel the top of my skin tarring spliting open my insides scream in pain. I end up laying on the razors on my right side the pain floods like waves it comes in my body is on fire. I scream so loud and long I can't hear anything but the the scrames the dreams feel good I let the pain take me away to some place where I can be normal.

Dear Irie

sometimes nothing is enough to stop the storm

You know how we talked (but mainly joked) about the depression contest. Well may I just add you won, fuck I did not know when I met you how much you had won that depression constest. You never talked about suidice like other people. You talked about it differently. Like when you did it never sounded like this was something you would really do or want. I think I am one of the only people who know of your mainy attempts you took at your life. But when you talked you made it sound like this girl who had tried all that fucking shit was so gone so not you. that you were better, much better. But look at where we are now you took your life and won that contest.

The one content that was never spossed to mean anything meant the most in the end. We were spoosed to have more important contests like who could make more friendship bracelets. Who could do more trurns. Who would make the better cake. Contests involving books, swimming, s'mores, music, games, fashion. Who could make more people laugh, who could stay up the latest, who could jump higher at fucking high jump. these were things we should have had contests on but instead we have contests on who had more depression. In the end your dead and I am having these contests with no one. I was never sick enough.

I am alone you left me alone to try to do these things and be normal. But when you died my life has been anything but fucking normal. Kids went to prom, I went to your funeral. Kids preped for collage in there last two years of high school, I preped to kill myself. Kids spent months living there happy normal not perfect but not entirely shitty lifes, I spent months living in a mental hospital for the insane like me. Kids are mentally preparing for collage leaving all they have known, I am having to start finding jobs, trying to fly hard way across the country. I am not normal losing you broke me more then I already was.

I look back to when we would actually have fun, and instead of living in those moments all I chose to do was to make lists about what the fuck I could be doing wrong that day. And now those moments are blurry and fuzzy. There soft and fading around the edges like the first fall of snow but the snow grows and grow until it has faded to mush and black like the cement it lies on. You and me dancing on your big bed singing our song in to hair brushes, jumping up and down to the beat letting it carry us. Me showing you that I had gotten my ears pierced and my mom had let me do it. You had wanted me to earrings forever.

There were moments when we could not give more of a fuck to the world and we just rolled with things and enjoyed life. Moments when we laughed under the stars and told stories. Those moments I wish I had kept better track of, it is like when you think you have so much of this one thing and it will keep happening forever, you just not pay attention to it to closely. But then this thing disappears like the sun in the evenings and you fucking wish with all of your heart that you had held on to those memories tighter and remembered every last deatil.

When you lose someone you try to hold on to the way they smelled (Like the ocean and rain and pot all in one) the way they talked (Rich and rough like rubbing your hand over bark on a tree but soft at time like the water running in the stream ) what they would wear most of the time (leggings and a oversized tee or jeans or jean shorts with cropped top) how they held you in an hug (cradled me like I was important loved but held on to me like I was the thing keeping her above water) how they laughed (warm and round the kind of laugh that makes everyone happy) their face (long and hard set but soft and loving and forgiving light blond hair that was the couler of lighting pale blue eyes that matched my own ) these are the things you keep close to you and hold on to until you can't because this is somthin you should not have had to give up but you have no choice. Sooner or later you have to accept that this is the way it is goona be.

Now Moment

I scream and cry on the dirt. Water sings me to sleep the black wraps me in its wholeness. I feel a hand on my shoulder, its warm mommymommymommy. My brain screams the word over and over, I want to see my moms face for her to rub my back for her to say I love you but instead I look up to see Avas face full of terror. She is not alone though there is another person with her who is patching me up. Stitching at my wounds- there are a lot more then I could have predicted. I want to curl in to a ball my stomach is sore from what I can guess was the pills being removed from my body. It has stopped raining it is just muddy and dewey now but were inside we aren't in the muddy grass on the hill, I am looking at the mud and dew from a far there is glass between us. " Mhila I called Kate, I told her about what you had done, she gave me Karens number," she motions to the women who is stitching me up.

" Keren Is a therapist however she is not like any you know she is also a trained EMT, she doesn't normally do one on one but this time under your situation she is going to ok?" I look over at Keren she has eyes like Kate but her face is more soft set then kate's. I look up at Ava unable to speak because of my exhaustion. I try to show her how hurt I am she brought me here. I told her not yet. " I had to Mhila, you were dying in the mud." her voice is stained like she is whining her eyes are blood shot. I shrug it off and let the sleep take over me.

I am ready for it to carry me away. When I wake I panic where am I? This is not my room it is to white. I am in grey sweat pants and a long sleeved hoodie, at least the clothes are mine. The walls are covered in pictures of moss and other things that are calming per se. Then i remember the pain shoots up through my side, my whole right side of my body is on fucking fire. I try to walk but I can't stand so I try to limp, crawling. I can do that at least. I enter the big living room and find that Karen is sitting there. When she sees me, she lets me make my way to her not her make my way to me. Her long brown hair with curls at the end falls at her back, she is wearing a cozy pale blue knit sweater and jeans. She is wearing what can only be described as fuzzy uggs. When I reach her I try to choke out in my little vice that is stained from the pain in my side. " where am I? Where is Ava?" "

"Your in my house you will be here for two weeks and a half as you recuperate from your cuts, Ava had to leave she is going to be working for you so you don't lose any money you worked so hard to earn." Her voice is soft and understanding that is really claiming i am not sure, I like that about her, she almost reminds me of Kate. Then I remember she is a counsel-or she is one of them, " How much do you know?" I croak out " I don't know it unless I hear it from you" I take that as she has been talking with Ava. I miss Ava, Guilt floods my system it is completely overwhelming to have that kind of guilt plastered inside of you.

" you don't have to talk I am not going to make you but I think if you just tell me a little even if it will help you feel a bit better, someone just talking helps to unburden the soul just a little."

"Ok," I whisper I won't talk for sometime I am not planning on it. She hands me two pills I don't even care anymore if their bad for me or not. I take them and fall asleep for 3 days. My body has worn itself out and it is trying to recuperate as Karen says. When I wake I can walk lightly with still a pretty big limp in my leg though. I wander through the house it is well decorated filled with pictures of trees. Calming things but it is cozy too it had blankets everywhere and pillows. She has a big fireplace by a wall of glass overlooking the valley below us. I run my hands agent the walls feeling its smooth texture. I find Karen in what I can only presume is her home office it has one big soft couch in the corner many blankets and a little collection of books.

Some fairy lights hanging on the window and around her little patio she has connected to the office. I knock on the door frame she looks up from her work and motions me to come to the couch. I sit down, I pull one of the pillows to my chest. It starts to become too heavy I am going to float I can feel it happening I want to float. I drop the pillow I lower myself to the floor I need to be connected with the floor I cant float not now. Keren gets down my leveal I have shoved myself under her couch shaking, she is laying on her side. Her eyes meet mine, "Hon, you're safe here you're safe"

She guides me out from under the couch, I think she can tell what's happening because she asks if we want to sit outside.

I agree. We are sitting in the coffee chairs with the fairy lights in illuminating the space around us, I want to cry and scream I dont want to be alone I dont want to float again Kearn moves to sit next to me on the couch she puts her hand on my back and rubs it back an fourth, I sit and cry. " why? did you do this for me?" I choke out " Kate's one of my good friends and you were very troubled and I could not see you as a regular patient after you showed how far of an event you went hurt yourself. I think that some time here in this nature will do you good. But after a week I have to go back and understand you have to go to your next place" I nod pulling the blanket around me. I let her rub my back as I cry. I wish my mom had done this but she was never there.

The cool air wrapps around me. " Sepak when you feel the most comfortable" I don't know if I will ever be comfortable. But I start to speak I tell her everything it is although there is a waterfall pouring out of my mouth and it cant stop I say everything every last word. I feel it falling out I feel pain in my worlds. I start to understand where everyone's worry come from. I am scaring myself. As I speak Karen has a neutral expression on she is letting me speak out and she is listening to me she hears me for everything no stops. until i am done she just litens, we both take a deep breathe because that was a hella lot.

Dear Irie,

where is the high ground in a sinking world?

the in-between the cold the light, when your floating not moving. That feeling of grey, it hurts but not in the way that one might except it hurt in the sense that your numb- but in a way you could have never known you feel the dark and the light all at once because you are fighting for the light wether it is to reach it or to run from it it is still there. You ever sit and crave somthing, I have. you sit and think I want to die I want to go to the in-between the place where the pain becomes fuzzy and warm it spread throughout your whole body you cant feel the pain anymore your high on it your shaking with the pain it feels good. the place where you don't have to worry anymore because your safe, everyone else is safe, you know irie I wonder sometimes how it would play out if i had someone who I could have trusted when i od if i had someone who i could have called said i needed help that i wanted to die that i could not go home to my manipulative mom that I needed a place to spend the night just to cry to sit to not die, I wanted to though it was the only way I could live does that make sense?

sometimes when i was worrying about you you would come up to me and say something that just did not sit well with me ya know? back in the begging you came up to me and said im an achohloic i agreed with you because I cant fight you but I knew you drank a few times the urge was there (scary for me and unheathy i admit) but you were not acting on it make sense? also we not really spoke about it but made a packed to not share my shit with you so i do the hard work to cut my shit out be good but sometimes you would joke about dying or killing my self i don't know it just felt out of place and the hipocizem was frustrating because I know you meant well but you know?

I know you were right I traded one thing for another the self harm as a kid turned to vaping/smoking and drinking that truned to pills and pepopeple pleaseing that turned to not eating over working and then back to self harm cycle sick twisted. I think I am going crazy am I going crazy? am I making all go this up? Am i seeing things? oh god im so sleepy I want to go to sleep but I know if I do I wont wake up, I don't want to be a burden anymore. I need out I need out I need to know I am not going insane please someone tell me am I insane? I need out im trapped here That sound crazy I know I am I am crazy but I want to sleep so bad I don't want to wake up.

Shhh Shhh the mother in me tells myself, go to to sleep hon dont wake up it will be okay im here

like a siren I listen to her call me to a place of warmth everyday I fight it or try to but each day is harder

sorry this was a mess how is it like up there for you?

save me a seat, see you soon