Okay, this is finally JAMES' POV! It's so funny, while writing Lily's story, I was totally on her side, like yeah! Take down this bastard! And now I'm thinking like, poor sweet baby angel James never did anything wrong! Lol

Important: Some of you might not like the format, but I had to play around with telling everything from his perspective while also not boring you to tears with a bunch of stuff that you already knew. I did not want to repeat dialogue, you know? So I tried to focus more on feelings. LUCKILY, I think this works — James is more impulsive, so he really wouldn't focus on words and what he says, and is more trying to read actions. And while Lily is very much shaped and acting on her past (flashbacks), James is trying to live in the moment. It's basically the whole story (in chronological order, no flashbacks and forwards) in 3 chapters that will end with going PAST where we ended with Lily. Since it's James, there will be sides you didn't see, but also things that maybe Lily didn't focus on, but James would.

I dedicate these chapters to my bf… who didn't think it at all weird when I left him a full page sheet asking him a million questions about boners and what sex feels like for men :D

If you're interested in seeing my outline/mind map for this story, I posted it on my tumblr (tiffanytoms) since it's no longer a spoiler!

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. Art work by the awesome Meg (tumblr: anxiouspineapples)

I Fucked Up

5th Year

"Evans is staring at you again…" Sirius groaned next to him in Transfiguration class, looking bored out of his mind. "I swear, that girl—"

"Stop it, Pads. You've been awfully PMS-y lately," Remus cut him off sternly.

"Was she really?" James asked, his hand flying to his hair automatically. "Is she still?" He directed the question to Remus, already knowing Sirius would be rolling his eyes and of no use to him now.

"No…" Remus answered casually. "She's saying something to Mary."

"Ugh. She looks so fucking gorgeous today."

Remus shifted awkwardly. "Yeah, she looks nice."

"Oh, come off it. She looks the same as always considering she's wearing her school uniform, the same as always," Sirius grumbled.

James ignored him and chanced a glance in her direction, only to catch her already looking at him. She turned bright red and flinched away — and he loved it. He absolutely adored that he had this effect on her, that something as simple as his eye contact could produce as strong of a reaction from her body like this. He watched her rosy cheeks enthralled. I did that, he thought proudly. It was almost like the first time he'd used his wand to do… well, anything. He'd cast a spell and seen magic. Just like now. The power he was wielding in this moment was positively intoxicating. He found it hard to look away — wanting nothing more than for her to look back at him to see if he could coax out a fresh blush.

It was crazy really. The girl who he'd been crushing on for four years now — the girl who had given him his first sexual boner, in dreams and in reality, inside of class and out (but always through fantasy) — now seemed to fancy him back. James didn't know what he'd done in his past life to deserve this one, but he wasn't going to question it too thoroughly.

James knew he wasn't exactly 'normal.' He knew that while Padfoot and Wormtail ran through crushes like it was trash day, and Remus never seemed to admit to fancying anyone (citing he'd never get to date them anyway, due to, you know, stuff), he himself stayed consistent. It had started off as one of his many fun quirks that made him who he was, but now he was starting to see it may just have been imprinted into his very DNA. It turned out his dad was just the same — falling in love only once and dedicating his whole life to that woman and, basically, doing anything she asked of him. Put bluntly: his dad was whipped. But James loved his parents' relationship. He didn't care that it wasn't the norm in the 70s for the woman to run the family ship, but it made sense to them — his dad's head was always in the clouds and he needed a strong woman to tell him which way was down. His mum had grounded him, focused him. James could relate, and fucking hell was Lily strong.

It had never bothered him that he had hopelessly decided who he was going to love for the rest of his life at the tender age of 11, until his mum got sick. He'd wanted to scream at his dad. He'd wanted to forge his mum's paperwork, knock her out, and send her to the oncology healers himself, telling them to do everything. But his dad had explained to him, 'Love is sacrifice. Love is listening and compromising. And sometimes love is letting go.'

It was utter balderdash of course. James knew there had been absolutely no compromise — his dad had done exactly what his mum had wanted him to do, just like he always did. The things that were being sacrificed were his dad's and his own hearts.

James stopped thinking his dad was his hero after that. He hated himself for thinking it, but he now saw him as weak. A lovesick fool. And yeah, James was angry. After all, he should still have a mother, and he missed her so much.

To James, love was making sure the one's you loved were safe. Alive. Love was doing everything you could do to save them. Love was never letting go. James had vowed he'd never turn into his dad after he had let his mum pass away. He vowed he would never become a shell of a man pining away over something he could have prevented. He'd die before he let that happen.

James didn't like dwelling on his mother's death. It hurt too much.

Lily Evans was driving him insane. Is she growing? Or are her skirts shrinking? She'd always been beautiful, even if a little gangly, but fucking holy mother of Merlin, could her tits maybe take a breather? Can they even breathe?! That shirt looked far too constrictive, and he felt duty-bound to help them out, maybe free them from last year's shirt which she had no business trying to wear again this year. Couldn't she tell her buttons were about to fly off, ricochet right into his head and (hopefully) put him out of his misery?

Fuck. Don't stare, you creep.

He felt embarrassed, but not nearly as much as he probably should have. You see, he'd noticed something interesting these past few weeks: she felt it too. All these crazed, hormonal shifts and yearnings, begging them to just give in to each other's bodies already — she was feeling them as well. He couldn't pinpoint exactly how he was so sure — other than by describing the way the air between them cracked nowadays like they'd created their own electric current, threatening to zap and fry anything that tried to get in their way. She probably didn't feel it as strongly as he did, that would be impossible, but he saw something in her eyes. There was a heat in them that hadn't burned there in their previous year of friendship.

Their friendship. Now there was an actual miracle.

James had very much come to Hogwarts as a child convinced he would never be able to be friends with a girl (because yuck), let alone with one that he begrudgingly had to admit was very, very pretty. So he'd been able to keep his budding feelings concealed with being a bit of a bully to her, pointing out her disproportionately large eyes and inability to ride a broom. And putting her down had worked for a few weeks — until it backfired completely. It turned out Lily was not one to take teasing lying down. Before he knew it, she was sassing him back twice as hard as he was dishing it out, and it almost became a game to both of them. And fuck did he like games.

He didn't think he'd ever forget the moment in second year when he'd stolen her seat while she was at the board (he'd always been oh-so-mature) and she'd declared that if he didn't move immediately, she'd sit on him. It had been an unbearably hot day right before summer holiday and she'd been in her short skirt and he'd become possessed with the confidence of a newly-minted teenager. 'Fine,' he'd said. She'd glared at him determinedly, clearly pondering which meant more to her: her word or her dignity. He was so, so thankful it was the former. She'd only been perched on his lap for maybe ten seconds to prove a point, but it was definitely the best ten seconds of his naive life up until that point and the first time he'd popped a boner in the middle of class. Sirius teased him over how red his face had turned for weeks. (But his dream girl had sat on him, so fuck it: he could easily deal with the jibes.)

James had learned to respect his opponent at that point and switched gears to trying to best her academically. That failed spectacularly because the girl was a bloody genius — of course.

And despite all this — his antagonizing, his ridiculing of her oldest friendship, his constant badgering — when he'd needed help, she'd offered it without question. She'd noticed he was struggling in class with his mum sick and approached him to give tutoring. She must have known he'd be too proud to ask for help himself. And had she rubbed it in his face like he might have done? Nope. She was all bright smiles and patient explanations. Because at the end of the day — even though she was cheeky and hot-tempered and had one of the foulest mouths he'd ever encountered — she was so unbelievably kind. She'd seen his pain and despite the fact that he was a prat, lightened his load. Wanting nothing in return.

And well, how could you not want to become friends with someone like that? Even when you're secretly already in love with her. And James figured if he could accomplish this — if he could make Lily friggin' Evans into his friend — there was really nothing he couldn't do. I mean, I know I'm a good-looking bloke. Her finding him fit was cake compared to her no longer thinking he was a wanker.

All you have to do is ask her out. Just ask her out, you buffoon! He'd give himself daily pep talks, hoping one of them would actually stick. It's not like it matters that much. It's only the first date with the love of your soddening life. Upon further reflection, James decided next week was a much better time to schedule working up the nerve.

One day, after Lily's best friend, Mary, had heavily hinted that he should ask her out, and her stupid friend Snivellus had harassed her, James found himself sitting next to Lily in Charms. He loved being up close and personal while she was in her element. He loved a woman who could kick ass and take names. Okay, he'd only ever loved her — but she could kick ass and take names. Flitwick absolutely adored her, and it was obvious to see why: she just plain rocked at everything she did. He'd almost asked her to Hogsmeade right then and there on a note, but last minute, he'd chickened out. She deserved better than a parchment scribble invitation. She deserved the moon, or at the very least a however many-strings-was-a-good-amount-of-string quartet. So he drew her a Snitch instead.

When she animated it, he was able to tell her just how incredible she was. Even though she took his confession as a joke, he felt the strain in his heart lessen just a little bit. He'd be able to delay its inevitable burst for now.

He started playing with a Snitch shortly after, because it reminded him of her now. It can be our thing. She was his special, only once-in-a-game, catch. Oh, I should write that down, he thought, absolutely besotted.

They were so close to fully mastering being Animagi now, it was insane. True, it was only Peter still struggling to shift reliably, but they were close. They weren't going to risk everyone accompanying Remus during a transformation until they all felt confident with it. If Peter panicked and couldn't turn when faced with Remus in his wolf form… well. Then he'd have two friends with furry little problems, in the best case scenario.

James felt guilty that it was taking them this long to finally be able to help Remus through his monthly transformations. So when Remus had owled him over the summer, mentioning how he'd been offered the position of Gryffindor prefect and how he wasn't sure if he should take it considering how his attendance might be spotty, James had jumped at the chance to help him out. He'd written back (after a hardy amount of, 'congratulations, you great big nerd') to say that he should definitely accept the role and that he could just fill in for rounds whenever he felt sick. James was so glad he'd offered before he knew Lily was the other prefect — otherwise his intentions would have been far less noble. As it were, he felt like the universe was rewarding his selflessness by giving him a gift — time alone with Lily wandering the halls. (Did I mention alone?)

One such magical patrol in October proved to be extra special. It had started off normally enough, with Lily teasing him not to dock points (like I'd ever get a kick out of that), but then she'd actually thought that he was asking about Mary's romantic leanings for himself! The idea was so preposterous that he might have laughed were it not for the crushed look on her face. He'd do anything to make that look go away. The adrenaline in his stomach proved to be the push he needed to jump into action. He finally asked her out.

And she said yes!

Truly, nothing could ever ruin this moment for him. Feeling on top of the world, he'd grabbed her hand, probably far too forcefully, but he just couldn't help it: he, James Potter was going to take out Lily friggin' Evans. He could die happy.

Not too shabby for a 15 year old who only just grew taller than her.

"You really like her, don't you?" Remus said seriously, sitting in his bed, watching a very frazzled James dump all his clothes onto his own.

He'd been a nervous mess all morning, but who could blame him? He was going on his first date. (With Lily!) "What gave it away?" he grumbled mockingly, upset that the perfect shirt hadn't magicked itself into existence before him in the past five minutes.

"I thought maybe it would be a phase."

James' face shot up at Remus' words. "Moony, a phase? What about talking about her as much as I have over the past few years screamed 'phase'?"

Remus blushed a little bit. "I don't know. I thought maybe it was like a fun game of chase? And once you got her, you might not like her anymore?"

James snorted. "Jeez, I know I can be a dick, but I'm not that much of a dick." He resumed his frantic rummaging.

Sirius sat in his bed, completely unamused, eyes straying from one friend to the other.

Finally having settled on a blue long-sleeved shirt (he refused to tell the boys it was because he knew that blue was Lily's favorite color), he bid them adieu and went to wait for Lily in the common room. He was already pretty over Sirius' complaints that this would be their first Hogsmeade visit apart. (James gathered he wasn't taking the upcoming few hours of separation well at all.)

When he saw her come down the stairs… he blanked. Somehow her eyes looked even more emerald than usual and she was just glowing. Play it cool, Potter. Play it cool.

He thought he did all right, all things considered. Every time she laughed at one of his jokes, he swore he was flying, and every little shove of his arm or bumping of their shoulders showed him she just wanted to touch him as much as he wanted to touch her. He was probably smiling like a complete asshole when she swore there was a leaf in his hair that she was trying to get for him.

"You know, Evans, if you want to play with my hair, you could just ask," he teased.

"Good to know." She winked and walked away ahead of him. Crap. He was in so much trouble.

Then they were on the Quidditch pitch — his girl and his sport — after she'd promised him she'd come to one of his games. She had no right to look so cute in her yellow sweater and pompom hat. Since when do I think of hats as being cute?! It's a friggin' hat with a plushie on the end for Merlin's sake! She kept looking at his lips and he had a stunning realization: Lily Evans wants me to kiss her. In what world…

And it was perfect. She looked happy afterwards, so he couldn't have been the worst kisser. James Potter shoots, he scores! he announced giddily in his head.

It went to shit when he got back to his room. Almost immediately after he'd sat on his bed, Sirius launched into a full-blown rant, catching James, in his happy little lovesick stupor, completely off guard.

"Padfoot, stop it," Remus tried to interject while James looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"I don't get it… since when don't you like Evans?" James asked utterly confused.

"That's the thing! Of course, you don't get it, Prongs! You lose your mind around that girl! You become this totally different person."

"That's not—"

"What, true? Are you kidding me?" Sirius seemed unnecessarily riled up. "Everyone thinks so! You should have heard the girls talking at the bar—"

"I don't care—"

"— they said you're whipped, and they're right!"

James ruffled his hair, frustrated as hell. "Where is this coming from, Pads? I just had an amazing date with a girl I've liked for ages—"

"Moony fancies her too," Sirius blurted out. Now Remus was the one who looked shellshocked.

James turned to Remus. "Is that true?" Fuck.

"No," he responded firmly giving Sirius a death glare, before turning to James. "I don't. And I'm very happy for you." He got to his feet with a big sigh. "Now leave me out of it. I'm taking a shower."

As soon as the door snapped shut, Sirius looked back to James. "You know he's lying. Is a girl really worth splitting up this friend group for?"

James took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. Moony had not seemed convincing in his denial at all just now. What the fuck?! When did this happen? Sodding prefects meetings? How? Actually, that's a dumb question, how can someone not fall for her is a better question. But I digress. Why?! James panicked. He'd thought he'd always been quite obvious about his feelings towards Lily. How was one of his best mates going to go and fall for her too? I mean, he understood that dibs didn't apply to people, but come on. Was he a dick friend for being sort of pissed about this? Remus had seemed like he didn't want to like her though… maybe he knew it was stupid himself and he just couldn't help it? If that was the case, that was definitely a feeling that James could relate to.

James let out a huge defeated sigh. "Why are you doing this, Padfoot?"

"Telling you was the right thing to do for the Marauders," he replied adamantly.

"You heard him yourself: he said he's happy for me."

"Bollocks! You know Moony is a self-sacrificing shit! He wouldn't tell you if something was killing him. Um, hello, the whole werewolf thing?"

James' temper started to flair. "That's not my fault, Pads! He knows I'm crazy into Lily—"

"Emphasis on crazy," Sirius mumbled.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" James near shouted.

"Prongs. This past year you've been telling me nonstop how you don't want to turn into your father, 'I don't want to turn into my father.' You don't want to be a man who's so ruled by love that he'd crack, all but abandoning his own son like you feel like he's done to you, and guess what?"

"Don't you dare—" James snarled.

"You're on track to be even worse! At least your dad was, what? In his 30s when he lost his head over your mum? You're 15 for fuck's sake! You're 15 years old and you probably already think you're in love."

I don't think, I know. James was torn between being mad that Sirius thought he knew him so well and being scared because he was right. "So?"

"So?! I know you, Prongs. You get obsessive. You start dating this chick now — she will destroy you."

Does Sirius have a point? He stared at his best friend, his brother. He'd never led him astray before, why would he suddenly start now? They'd always had each other's backs. It was just a given. James hadn't thought about it till this moment, but would he be able to date someone without Sirius' approval? I mean, obviously he could, but it sounded like a truly horrendous experience.

The pause in their fight had let some of the tension dissipate from the room. Sirius continued more gently, "I'm looking out for you mate. This girl barely had to do anything and she's already got you wrapped around her finger."

"Do you really think it's that bad?" James grimaced.

"Honestly? Yeah, kinda. I could see her telling you to jump, and you'd beg her to tell you how high." James snorted. Weren't boyfriends supposed to make their girlfriends happy? If Lily told me to jump, she'd probably have a perfectly logical reason to ask and, you know what? It wasn't like jumping hurt him in the slightest, so really, why not make her happy and… fuck. "I know it sucks, and you really don't want to hear it, but someone's always gotta love the other one more in a relationship… and with Lily, it will always be you."

James felt like he'd been punched in the gut. And then fallen off his broom from a thousand meters up. "I think she likes me though," he replied stubbornly.

Sirius pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Oh, no doubt. But I think you're already in love with her. That's not exactly an equal playing field."

"So what do you suggest I do?"

Sirius pondered this. "You'd grovel for her right?"

James let out a dry chuckle. "I feel like I already have."

"All right, well, let's see if she'd do the same for you."

James looked at him skeptically. "What do you mean?"

"Play it cool. Back off a bit. See what she does. If she likes you, she'll fight for you, right? If she goes off and dates someone else," James twitched involuntarily, "then you know, and she won't break your heart. Easy."

Nothing had ever sounded less easy in his life. "So you're telling me I should just ignore her?"

"No! I mean, maybe? I don't know," Sirius said. "Just be careful, man. That's all I'm saying. I don't want to watch history repeat itself with the next generation, is all. I think you asked her out too soon. If she's as special as you say she is, dating her can wait. We're young! We're supposed to be having fun and fucking shit up. Not settling down already, you know?" James begrudgingly nodded. He did feel far too young to be embarking in something quite this serious… Lily was his forever. Should he have started forever now? "Besides, I feel like you're still getting over your mum. I don't think you're in the right headspace to be dating right now. What's so wrong about just being her friend for a little longer, anyway?"

James pondered this. He loved having Lily as his friend. "Nothing." I just always want to kiss her… and do… other stuff to her.

"Well, there you go. What's the rush? We have our whole lives to be tied down, Prongs. And it's not like she's going anywhere. We all live in the same sodding castle." Sirius said, flopping back fully onto his bed.

James' mind was reeling. Suddenly his date was starting to look less like the best time of his life and more like a display of his own pitifulness. I am far too young to be this sure about someone… aren't I? Why am I so obsessive? I don't wanna be…

The next day was an unmitigated disaster. James had stayed up all night thinking about what Sirius had said. Some stuff was absolute shite — he didn't need Lily to grovel for him — but the rest was spot on. He wasn't in the right headspace to be dating anyone. Doing so now would only be doing them both a disservice. And Lily deserved better than some fuck up, she deserved the universe in a silver frame.

But he chickened out and asked Remus to tell her for him. Remus was always just such a reassuring presence and they were friends and… yeah. He was a coward. He couldn't see the hurt look on her face if the news made her sad.

Lily confronted him shortly after — like the strong, beautiful, powerful witch that she was — and somehow it was even worse than a dumpster fire rolling over a litter of kittens on its way to hell.

She looked like she was going to cry. James couldn't stand it when girls cried, but Lily almost doing so broke his heart even worse. For a brief second, he wondered what on earth he was even doing trying to stop what was going on between them. He threw out how he still wanted to be friends in a moment of genuine desperation and she shot it down so fast that he nearly got on his hands and knees in his own room to win her back. No. You're not whipped.

He let her run away. He still saw the hurt look in her eye sometimes when he couldn't fall asleep though. It was like his offer of friendship was the most insulting thing she'd ever heard in her whole life.

It only took James a week to realize he'd royally fucked up. The farther away from Sirius' talk it got, the less everything made any sense. Sirius was obviously his brother, but siblings were allowed to have their own lives and opinions, weren't they? And who was he to decide that James was destined to make his father's mistakes? It wasn't like it was a crime to love a woman too much. He'd just have to rein in the devotion. Surely he could do that. It was Lily Evans, he could do anything for her. Damn it.

It didn't help that she'd started psychologically torturing him. She had definitely caught on to his obsession with her clothing because she was going out of her way to make it even sexier now. The number of times he'd had to go to his room or an abandoned bathroom for a wank between classes was becoming unmanageable. He was pretty sure she was going to give him a rug-burn if she kept it up. (And she was most certainly keeping it up.)

So he groveled. And he asked her out, over and over, trying to show her that he meant it when he said, no screamed: 'I. Fucked. Up.' How ironic was it that Sirius pointing out that he was about to become pathetic had somehow pushed him into being even more so?

Then everything changed: Lily wasn't a virgin.

He knew it wasn't right, oh if my mother could see me now, she'd be so ashamed, but he couldn't help it: what the actual fuck?!

This whole time he'd been making a complete ass of himself for a girl he thought was his soulmate, and she hadn't even been able to wait for him. The dumb caveman side of him was furious. Who the fuck was this guy? Had he watched her conjure up her first teacup? Had he memorized the way she bit her lip when she was fighting back from saying a swear word in the middle of class? Did he know the way her eyes glowed when she saw her favorite food laid out in the Great Hall?

No. So how the fuck had he deserved having her?

James knew he wasn't owed sex. That was archaic and he wasn't an asshole. What hurt was knowing that he'd felt the way he did… and she didn't. Because that summer, he'd been high on their newfound meaningful interactions and only been dreaming about her. The lead Chaser of the Holyhead Harpies could have propositioned him, in full Quidditch gear even, and he would have told her, no thanks, I have a girl already.

And she… had fucked a guy. Like he didn't even exist.

Sirius was right. He truly was pathetic.

That wasn't even the only surprise to come out of Sirius' birthday party… Mary, her best friend, dared Remus, one of his best friends, to kiss Lily. WHAT THE FUCK! At best, that meant his crush's best friend hated him and wanted to psychologically torture him as well, which, awesome, as if Lily's daily form-fitting fashion shows weren't enough to test him. At worst… it meant that Lily fancied Remus and her bestie was trying to help her by making it happen. Fuuuuuuck.

The only good thing that happened that night was he was pretty sure Brianna was into him and it seemed to be making Lily jealous. He couldn't lie, seeing Lily like that stirred a beast within himself that he hadn't been aware existed before. It was a different feeling… one he could get used to, even if he should probably not admit that to anyone.

Either way, it turned out Brianna was actually pretty hot. Maybe you should take your Lily blinders off some Merlin-forsaken time.

She gave him a black eye. He assumed she hadn't meant to, hell, he wasn't even sure if she was aware that she had, but still. She'd given him a black eye.

James had no idea what the fuck was going on when he ambled into the Entrance Hall with Remus ready to get some lunch. All he knew was that Lily was attacking a group of Slytherins with her bare hands and he needed to get her out of there — fast. He pulled Lily off of Mulciber while Remus deflected some of the other boys' spells. She was screaming, oh was she screaming, and suddenly it was being directed at him and her elbow swung back and hit him square in the glasses.

He'd defended her when they were called to McGonagall's office, but it was a lot to deal with.

He wished she would tell him what the fuck was going on.

Mary had been raped. Piece of shit Mulciber had cursed and raped Lily's best friend. A terrible feeling of relief spread through him that it hadn't been her when he found out, immediately followed by shame. Even if it wasn't her, no wonder she wanted Mulciber dead. He would have done the same — if not worse — if someone had come for Sirius like that.

And Sirius… he was now an absolute wreck. Clearly, his crush on Mary had been a little more developed than he'd let on. He was coping by hitting the bottle a little too hard. James tried to be there for him, but he had no idea what he was going through. Also, it was rather hard to comfort someone who was hellbent on blaming your girl for all his current problems. James couldn't understand it, but Sirius was going hard against Evans, convinced somehow it was all her fault for not stopping Mary from leaving the dorm that night. James obviously thought this reasoning was bullshit, but Sirius was in such a fragile state already (and James was considered such a biased party), that he tried to keep his mouth shut and just listen.

Then the worst moment of James' life happened: Sirius went too far. He knew Pads was suffering and wanted to lash out and punish the Slytherins for what they'd done, but fuck, he guessed he'd underestimated just how much pain he was dealing with. But how could he?! Didn't he know what this would do to Moony? Obviously Snape is a little shit and deserves to be taught a lesson about sticking his ugly-ass nose where it doesn't belong, but using Remus?! James had no idea that Sirius could be so cruel, so rash.

Suddenly James was overcome with even more shame. I'm his brother. I'm supposed to be there for him, make sure he doesn't fuck up like this. But he'd been distracted; he'd been obsessed elsewhere. James felt like a complete failure. He wasn't able to be there for Lily in her time of need, but like hell if he wasn't going to be there for Sirius. His brother needed him. It took him a week to get over it, and Merlin only knew how Remus could forgive him for nearly making him into an unwilling murderer, but he vowed he would never let Sirius stray this far again. After all, he hadn't been raised with the same compassion that James had been. He'd had nothing but abusive, bigoted parents as his examples for the first decade of his life.

Sirius was better than this. And James was going to help him. That had to be his priority now.

Brianna was super into him, and James had to admit, it was nice to be the one being chased for once. It was easy with her, simple. Sure, her flirting was a bit heavy-handed and her overt grabs on his biceps in class were a lot, but he'd be lying if he said the attention didn't feel nice. Lily hadn't even looked at him in days, or talked to him in weeks. He hated how much he missed the twinkle in her eyes when he told a good joke, or the blush that crept over her cheeks when she could tell exactly what he was thinking about when he saw her. He wanted to know how she was holding up, if there was anything he could do to help her, but he knew he'd lost that right. They weren't even friends anymore.

Right, but Brianna. Why not give that a go? She was hot. She was willing.

"James! You're so baaaad," Brianna wailed as she tugged on his hand. She had suggested they take a walk around Hogwarts late at night and James figured he had nothing better to do anyway. Apparently not caring that they were about to break curfew made him very 'baaaad.'

"Well, we can go back if you'd like?" he replied.

She gave him a sly smirk. "I have a better idea," she said, pulling him into a broom closet.

"Oh, this is… better?"

She gave a giggle. He wished she wouldn't. Her voice was all right, but he found her laugh quite grating. Stop it, you're being unfair. Give the girl a chance. "Now we finally have some privacy, James." Her voice had taken a seductive tone.

Huh. This is true. With her living with six other girls (including Evans) and him having the ever co-dependent Marauders, they really didn't get that much time to themselves. He hadn't really noticed it before. "Brilliant." The closet was cramped and smelled a bit moldy, but he didn't mind. It was dark and his thoughts could wander while he kissed her. He could easily imagine red hair and flushed cheeks.

But then she reached for his belt, and James froze. They'd been fooling around for a while now, and she'd told him how she had some experience in the area, but somehow this hadn't translated in his mind to 'I can get experience in this area.' I mean, he wanted to have sex, didn't he? He was horny all the damn time… And yeah, it would be nice to know what he was doing for future reference. Lily probably wouldn't want to fuck a virgin now that she wasn't one. He'd just never imagined he'd loose his virginity in a closet. Then again, this also wasn't who he'd dreamed he'd loose it too either.

And so they shagged. James was pretty clumsy, and Brianna was surprisingly patient with him as he fumbled through the moves, but he figured it out eventually.

Sex turned out to be pretty great actually, and James was excited to do it again. Brianna and him started doing it more regularly, always around the castle, and in dark broom cupboards if James could help it. He thought he was getting quite good at it too. Brianna seemed satisfied by all accounts, or at least that's what she told him afterwards. He wished she'd make some noise during the act, but she was painfully quiet. It made him a little self-conscious whenever he'd moan. However, once she told him that he was the best lay she'd ever had, James' heart swelled with pride.

And yeah, sometimes he imagined Brianna was Lily. Sometimes he turned her around to do her from behind or he'd shut his eyes as he came and imagined he was coming inside of his dream girl. But… fantasies are normal right? He'd thought he read that somewhere. Either way, he was doing it.

And it worked out for a while… Brianna expected very little from him, only a public make-out here and there and the occasional company at the rival houses' Quidditch games. (He tried not to dwell on the fact that Lily had broken her promise and never did make it to one of his games.) They also never had sex in a bed, meaning they never had to cuddle afterwards, which James appreciated. For some reason, after every time he came, he just got this overwhelming urge to be alone. He wondered if that was normal too.

But then one day it didn't work out anymore. Brianna had been talking about some drama that was going on between her and Lisa because Lisa had borrowed her lip gloss without asking, 'And that's just unhygienic,' and James dragged Brianna into a closet so he could kiss her instead. It was a win-win really, because Brianna loved it when he took charge, and James loved it when he didn't have to hear things he really didn't give a shite about. He spun her around and had her up against a wall, going to town under her skirt. He couldn't help it, but Lily had just looked so sad in class that day, and he couldn't stop worrying about her. Was she sleeping? Was she eating? Why the fuck was he thinking about another girl's friggin' diet while he was balls deep inside another woman? He pounded away harder, his hand clutching at her hair, willing himself to focus on the task at hand. James knew he'd never come this way, distracted as he was. He was being overly aggressive, and he should probably just cut his losses and call it a night, but that would be like admitting he had a problem. And I don't. I'm sure this is all perfectly normal.

So he did what he always did when he couldn't quite make it. He pictured Lily. It was Lily's red hair he was pulling on, Lily's skin his balls were smacking against, Lily moaning for him (this one took imagination), begging him to come for her.

At first he didn't realize what had happened, still recovering from an amazing orgasm in this dank closet. But then he noticed that Lily, nope, Brianna, was stiff as a board beneath him. He pulled himself out and cleaned up the mess.

"What did you just say?" Her voice was pure ice.

James swallowed. What did I say? He wasn't aware he'd said anything. "Eh, when?"

Brianna straightened her skirt and turned to him. The outline of her face was contorted with rage. "Now. Just now, as you came."

"Uhh…" James panicked, zipping up his pants. "Did I groan?"

Brianna slapped him straight across the face with surprising force. "Fuck YOU, James!"

He touched his cheek, shocked. "What the hell, Brianna—?"

"Oh, so now you know my name?!" she shrieked.

"What the fuck are you—?"

"You moaned 'Lily!'" James nearly gasped, his head jerking back. "You fucking called out her name, you… you… ASSHOLE!"

James stood perfectly still at a complete loss as Brianna yanked open the door with a big huff, gave him one last glare, before stomping out and slamming the door back shut. His jaw actually fell open… and he laughed. His shoulders shook, his eyes streamed, and he laughed and laughed until he had to hold onto the wall for support.

Okay. Maybe no longer so normal.

"Aren't you supposed to go on one of your walks with Brianna tonight?" Sirius asked over the edge of his Transfiguration essay one night.

"Nah, we broke up."

"Oh really?"

"Yup."

"Cool. Wanna go shoot around on the pitch?"

"Only if you're ready to get your arse handed to you."

After they got back from Christmas break, James noticed Lily looked even worse. And how could she not? If the Hogwarts rumors were true, both her parents had died that holiday. He wished he'd been there for her. I guess that desire is too little too late now. It wasn't like how it was for Wizarding families… he never just happened to hear all the gossip about her the second it transpired. All the Purebloods knew more than they could ever want to about each other. News on Lily he really had to work for. He really hated this fact; it made his life so much harder.

If he thought she was doing bad before, it was nothing to how she was now. She looked dead inside. That fire, that energy that she had emanated out of every pore was just… out. Gone. Extinguished.

When her clothes got a little too baggy on her frame, he decided he had to act. He already knew what foods made her happy, so he just started leaving them out for her. He tried to be subtle at first, giving an unsuspecting and gullible 1st year two plates and telling them to share it with the first person who walked through the portrait as a pay-it-forward situation right before she walked in (thanks Map), but eventually, it didn't matter. He noticed she was functioning on autopilot. He could have hand-fed her himself and there was about a 50/50 chance she'd register it. So he just started leaving her dishes with her name on it. Somehow this made her eat, and he was eternally grateful.

He also found himself doing dumb things to try to make her life easier too. On nights he knew she was patrolling, he would walk the grounds an hour before she was scheduled to hex lingerers and couples hooking up so they would just go to bed already. He didn't even want to think about what Lily would do if she came face to face with them. Honestly, probably nothing, and just zombie on by, but in case she'd react differently, this is for the best.

She clearly still wanted nothing to do with him though… and that sucked. He'd tested the waters a couple times by offering her Transfiguration help or just asking her a friendly, and he thought, neutral, 'How you doing?' but she acted as though he didn't even exist. Like he hadn't just talked at all. So he carried on.

His only major slip up was in Potions one day. Not knowing that Slughorn had brewed Amortentia, he walked into the room and his nostrils immediately were assaulted with an entire boatload of coconut. It felt like it had been shaved and stuffed up his nose all the way into his brain.

"What the fuck?" Sirius laughed, swinging his hand in front of his nose.

"I know, right?" James chuckled back. He knew Sirius didn't like the taste of coconut and could barely stand the smell of it… But James fiend for it. It was this elusive scent that tempted him even if he knew having it would be a disaster.

It was the smell of Lily Evans.

So when Slughorn brought her in front of class, and asked her to describe the smell of the potion, and she couldn't…? Of course he pointed out that it was because she was so used to smelling herself that she'd become numb to it. When he learnt what the potion was… and how it worked, yeah, he was embarrassed as shit.

Even worse, Slughorn said you were supposed to smell multiple things. He only smelled the one.

"Remus?" James asked in the library one day, cramming for an exam. He was talking to his best mate, but his eyes were still on the stoic girl with sunken eyes in the corner of the room. "You still hang with Lily sometimes, yeah?"

Remus shifted a little uncomfortably in his chair. "Yeah. We do homework together here on occasion actually. Why?"

"How is she?"

"What do you mean?"

James looked at his friend significantly. "Like, is she all right? She looks so miserable all the time."

"I mean, you can't blame her, she's gone through a lot—"

"I'm not blaming her," James cut him off quickly, "I'm just… I dunno, scared for her, is all."

"Scared?" Remus asked confused.

"Yeah, I mean, look at her. You're not scared?" James nodded his head in her direction.

"No?"

James nodded, looking back down to his notes. He should just drop it and carry on. But he couldn't. "You don't think she'd do anything… do you?"

"Do anything?" Remus had started reading a new page and only seemed to be half paying attention anymore.

Merlin Almighty, why was Remus choosing this conversation to become as daft as a doorbell?! "Yeah, like," James leaned forward whispering, "hurt herself?"

Remus' eyes shot up startled. "No. Do you?" James could see on his face that suddenly Remus was thinking back on all of his recent interactions with Lily to see if he'd missed some sort of clue or hint that would answer this question.

James' hand flew into his hair, nervously tugging on it. "I dunno! I don't think so, but I've also never seen her like this."

"I don't think she would do that to people," Remus said contemplatively. "I mean, I know she doesn't like her sister, but she still loves her, and they're all they've got left. Lily's too nice of a girl to leave her all alone like that."

"But if her sister wasn't there?" James asked tepidly.

"Fuck, Prongs, this just got dark."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry." Both hands were in his hair now. "It just kills me that I can't help her," he admitted softly.

Remus' expression softened. "Okay, I'll hang out with her more. I actually do think she's been pretty lonely, but whenever we work together, she doesn't seem to want to chat a lot anymore, so I wasn't sure if she even wanted to continue. But maybe just having company helps? I can try bribing her with some chocolate?"

James smiled gratefully. "I think that sounds like a great idea." He looked back to his notes, trying to remember what subject they were even on. "Thanks Moony."

As the months dragged on, life carried on. Soon, the Marauders' friendship felt good as new (no more walking on eggshells) and a blanket of stress wrapped up the 5th years the closer O.W.L.s got.

James thought he was hallucinating when Emmeline Vance sent him a note to see her at the Head Dorms after dinner. (Or that Sirius was playing a very cheeky prank on him.) He strutted there, ready to fight her on whatever crime she was trying to bust him for, because he would bet his wand that she didn't have sufficient proof to go to a teacher with (hence she's summoning me to her dorm in the first place, right?) Instead, she opened the door, walked him up to her room, and asked him to sit down. The only place to sit was on her bed.

"So, you like Lily Evans right?" she asked nonchalantly.

"Uh—"

"Well, I like Amos Diggory."

"Okay?" James had no idea what the hell was going on.

"The thing is, he's dating Claire."

"Okay." James figured he should just let her speak and he'd figure out what was happening eventually.

"So obviously I'm frustrated."

"Sure."

"But I have N.E.W.T.s coming up, James, and I can't have any distractions."

"Okay."

"So that's where you could come in." He didn't know if he liked the way she was staring at him.

"... Me?" James gulped.

"Yes. I have needs, you have needs, both aren't being met at the moment. So I have a solution." If James didn't already know Emmeline was a witch, he would have been convinced that she was a witch now. Do women normally talk like this?! "Are you attracted to me?"

James opened and closed his mouth like a guppy. Is this a trap? "Yeah, sure."

"Cool. Well, I think you're fit too. And, look, I don't want any sort of strings or time commitments or romantic entanglements, I'm just proposing that… you come over some time."

Now James definitely thought this was a trap. "Come over?" She started looking at him like he might have taken one too many Bludgers to the head.

"Yeah… and we… destress." She was approaching him. Oh my Merlin, and she's pulling off my robe. "I'll just need to perform an STI screening charm first."

James found that he was in fact far less stressed the subsequent few weeks. Emmeline was great. James' favorite part of shagging her was that she didn't seem to have the time for bullshitting him in the slightest: if something didn't work, she told him. And if it did — she told him. As long as he pleased her sexually, she seemed more than happy with their little arrangement. (Not that any of the other Marauders seemed to believe him that it existed in the first place.) To be respectful, he asked her one day if he could keep asking out Lily and she'd laughed and told him to knock himself out.

And so he did. And did. And did and did and did. But it only made Lily mad.

"Hey Remus, do me a favor?" James asked as they were walking through the Hogwarts Express on their way home for break.

"What?" Remus asked, the appropriate amount of skeptical.

"Ask what she's doing this summer, k?" James didn't wait for an answer, he was already shoving Remus into a compartment door.

"Prongs—" Remus tried to reprimand, but it was too late, James had magicked the door open and stepped around Remus to sit in the corner.

Remus stumbled through a very awkward conversation with Lily and only got around to asking her about her plans after James had coughed. London. That was interesting… also a far more believable location for serendipitous encounters than a hellhole like Cokeworth.

It was a shame that James couldn't come out and ask Lily all this herself, but their last conversation had been… well. Let's just say unpleasant. But James had discovered something very interesting while she was screaming at him that she'd rather date the Giant Squid than him (a truly forbidden romance, everyone knew Evans couldn't swim) — she looked alive again. When she was mad, she wasn't just going through the motions, her brain was all riled up, all synapses launching in order to come up with the most scathing of witty retorts. When she was yelling about what an arrogant toerag he was… she was on fire again, he could see it in her eyes. He would happily incite all her wrath if it meant he had front row seats to watching the girl that she used to be poke through.

He had needed to fuck Emmeline for an hour after Lily's public rejection though. Fire in her eyes or not, she'd made an absolute fool out of him, and he needed someone to soothe his battered ego. Emmeline didn't say anything (again: very public rejection), but seemed to rather enjoy how he tossed her around the room, going from position to position, until he was so exhausted he could barely think of Evans.

James didn't think summer would be this hard. True, having Sirius around rocked, and they'd already planned so many of their pranks for next year… but still. First of all, there was his dad. Every day he seemed to be getting a little bit worse, retreating more and more into his own world. Sometimes he swore he walked in on him having conversations with the memory of his mother. He pretended not to notice and walked away. But then there was also just an entire world in chaos. Every time he opened The Prophet, they mentioned a new 'mysterious' attack. It was so 'mysterious' how the victims always seemed to be Muggles or Muggle-borns.

So James cracked. He knew Lily would burn any letter from him without even reading it, so he did what any sensible teenage wizard would do: he forged his best friend's handwriting and jotted down a quick note. I just want to know she's okay, that's perfectly healthy, right? he asked himself as he went to his father's owl (his was far too risky — she was rather recognizable after all). The hardest part of the whole thing was most definitely the sign off. What the hell would Remus say at the end of a letter to her!? He knew the old Lily would go with something fun and upbeat like a 'Cheers!' or 'Lots of Love!' but Remus? After spending a good ten minutes overthinking it he just said, fuck it, and went with, 'Sincerely.'

James wished her response had made him feel better, but of course that was not the case. Lily was not a whiner, so if she was joking about the Muggles she was staying with being bad, they were probably the worst. Also, Ugh, how is this girl not going to tell me where she works?! Like saying London narrowed down anything. He got it out of her via her next letter that it was a bar, but he knew that was as far as he could push without his line of questioning getting suspicious. He made sure to tell her about some of the attacks so that she knew to be on alert. The thought of her alone in a big city scared the absolute shit out of him.

Don't do it. He told himself two days later as he stared up at his ceiling. Nope. She's a big girl, she doesn't need your protection, Potter.

He had this conversation with himself night after night for about a week before he caved (how is summer this friggin' long?) and told Sirius he wanted to start going barhopping. Sirius, his best mate for a reason, was totally gung-ho, thinking nothing of it — because, why would he?

James was going to get liver disease before he found her. Truth be told, it wasn't all bad. Sirius and him were having the time of their lives, and it turned out Muggle girls were just as attracted to them as witches were, which was always nice to know. If James kissed a few girls along the way, so be it. He was single. He was young. He was often very, very drunk.

The first night of their drunken London escapades was the most hilarious. Sirius had hit it off immediately with a leggy blonde and pulled James aside to tell him that he was going to take her home.

James narrowed his eyes at him. "How, mate?"

Sirius looked confused. "What do you mean, same way we got here: Knight Bus." James just stared at him, waiting for him to connect the dots. "Shit, right. Muggles don't use that. Um… so can't go buy a broom… can't Floo… Underage Apparation is still illegal—"

"Also, Muggles don't do that," James chimed in amused.

"Right. Fuck! How do Muggles get home?!"

James shrugged. "Have fun walking!"

Sirius got very surly. "This is a serious problem."

The next day James found Sirius reading a magazine on motorcycles.

Then, on the finest Thursday of his life, he found her. Sirius and James had actually just stumbled into the shady looking pub almost by accident, really needing shelter against the torrential downpour, when they'd sat at the bar, and she stood up like the fucking goddess she was.

For a few minutes, he felt like he'd died and gone to heaven. She's here. I did it! Then a jumble of thoughts all hit him at once. The first was the most primal, his eyes immediately taking in an outfit that looked like it had come straight out of his 13 year old wet dreams. Holy fuck. Who chose these? Her tits… and her fucking ass… it was almost criminal how good she looked. Suddenly, James became very aware that he wouldn't be able to stand up for quite some time.

Then came the jealous roaring dragon deep inside of his chest. How many men have been ogling her this summer? How many men have been trying to touch her? He was overcome with how much of a woman she looked like now in a way that she hadn't before. Curves aside, she carried herself differently at the bar. She had swagger in her step and a sway to her hips. She looked confident, and fuck if that wasn't the hottest thing he'd ever seen her wear.

Sirius nearly outed him as being the creepiest of creepers, so James quickly covered about how much he liked Muggle alcohol. She looked pissed with him, so he guessed she must have believed it.

He didn't want to overstay his welcome and make Lily or Sirius suspicious (hard to convince your best mate a girl doesn't drive you crazy while you're literally stalking her…) so he left shortly afterwards, but didn't miss that Lily's coworker mentioned it being an open mic night. He decided he'd come back on Thursdays just in case she'd decide to sing one of these days. When they'd been friends, she'd told him she used to sing as a kid, but he'd never actually heard her. He bet she sang like an angel.

Besides, going to a pub once a week wasn't too bad, was it? I can't be creepy. Don't be creepy.

His resolution to only go once a week almost flew out the window when she wrote to him (well, Remus really) about worrying about money. What the actual FUCK. She knew he was loaded, everyone did — his dad had invented near everyone's hair products for fuck's sake, it was a well known fact. Why the actual hell wouldn't she just ask him for help? He had more money than he could spend in four lifetimes and she was struggling to buy food and she wrote to Remus?! He wasn't that well off either. What was she thinking? Remus couldn't fix it. He could.

It almost made his blood boil. No wonder she'd somehow gotten even bonier.

So he went back. And he tipped. Knowing she was too proud to ask for his help meant she was probably also too proud for what she'd consider his charity, so he made sure to leave her no choice and gave Wizarding money he knew she'd have no change for and wouldn't have to share with her boss. Perfect.

But then new problems appeared. Lily had bruises. He tried not to focus on them at first, people got bruised all the time, maybe she's taken up martial arts, I don't fucking know what people in the Muggle world do in their free time, but when he noticed her cheek colors didn't match one day, that was the final straw. Lily never wore blush, why the hell would she start now?

So he waited until the bar had cleared and they were alone. His heart nearly burst when she remembered he wanted to be an Auror, and then his pants nearly did when he almost charmed her top off. She turned away before it fell down, just like he knew she would, and he was able to slip on his Invisibility Cloak. She thought she was alone and she looked… disappointed? James didn't have too much time to ponder this, because before he knew it, she had pulled her wand from out of her hair and he watched mesmorized as it unfurled and cascaded down her back. It wasn't fair — no woman had the right to be this friggin' beautiful. He wanted to reach out and touch her shoulder, feel how soft her arms were underneath his fingertips, but he had to focus. He almost laughed when he saw the naughty look on her face that she'd always get when she was going to break the rules, and she cast a spell… He wasn't aware of how much he'd missed that expression until he saw it again. It fit on her. It belonged there.

James loved watching her do magic, even something as mundane as a cleaning spell. Lily didn't always have the most confidence in herself (before she'd started working at this pub it seemed), but she had always been confident in her magic. As she should be. It was just so sexy to see.

Focus, focus for fuck's sake, Potter. He followed her out the bar, making sure to keep a good distance so she wouldn't hear him. He watched as her shoulders started crumpling in on herself the closer she got to home and her whole attitude changed. She's scared. What the hell were these people doing to her?

He didn't want to go inside her apartment — even amateur stalkers had limits — but he heard enough from by the door. They yelled at her. Screamed bloody murder. He heard the sound of a bottle breaking and then someone stumbling, but it seemed like Lily had already made it to her room. She was safe.

He made up his mind on the spot. He was getting rid of these horrible people one way or another. He lay awake for a couple hours in his bed that night until he figured out the best way to lure out a couple of alcoholics. Booking a two person, far, far, far away cruise was easy peasy after that. Two days later, he sent the best improv actor he could find with very specific instructions to their door. The rest, was history.

She seemed so much happier in the pub after that. And that made James happy.

Next Chapter: Love Me

(Start of James' 6th year)