Chapter Sixteen: If I Didn't Care

If I didn't care more than words can say
If I didn't care, would I feel this way?
If this isn't love then why do I thrill?
And what makes my head go 'round and 'round
While my heart stands still?

It was so late when the Guild carriage finally stopped that the oil lamps in the street beyond were only just alight. Regin sighed, running a hand over his face wearily. A part of him was pleased to be helping with the secret task of finding Imardin's latest rogue, it was the kind of thing he had been expecting to do when he became a warrior but had had very few opportunities to do. The other part of him wished it could be done at a more sociable hour. As it was, he would probably only get three or four hours sleep before he had to teach an early class in the morning- a group of particularly excitable second years, a very joyous prospect. Still, there was some good to arriving home at such an hour- Wynina was sure to have retired by now, so no snarky comments awaited him.

He alighted the carriage and murmured a word of thanks to the driver before slowly climbing up the steps of his home. The windows were all dark, but Regin was pleased to find the front door still open. He slipped inside and quietly locked the door behind him. Even as he tried to move the bolt as silently as possible, it made what appeared to him to be a very loud clunk through the echoing space of the grand entrance room before him.

Regin had been asked more than once why he chose to live in the city. His first response was always to tell such gossips that it was none of their business and to kindly bother someone else, but he knew that such a retort would only make their tongues wag all the quicker. So, he had always said it was because they wanted the space, particularly with a growing family. Plus, he had said with a forced laugh, Nina likes to throw parties. You can't exactly do that in the Magicians' Quarters.

Most of the time, living away from the Guild had served his purposes well. He felt the prying eyes of the Guild and the Houses could be kept away- to a certain extent, at least. Even though his wife regularly invited what appeared to be half of Imardin's upper classes into his home on a regular basis, at least he had the ability to shut the door on the at them once it was all over. In the Guild, ears cover the walls.

Regin pulled a globe light into existence. He rubbed the back of his neck methodically as he made his way to the fire that was dying in the grate. Whilst he didn't need a fire to warm himself, he always found something comforting in the gentle crackling of a heart fire- and, of course, his wife and daughters had made use of it when he hadn't been around to warm the room with magic. He smiled as fond memories of his daughters, who had once been friends, playing happily in front of the fire on cold winter nights rose to the front of his mind. The fire place looked quite different now, he mused. Then he took in the empty wine bottle that stood on the low table between the chairs.

And then the two wine glasses. Both half filled.

It took a couple of seconds for the realisation to sink in. Then Regin used a word that his mother would have made him drink soapy water for using. He closed his eyes and took in three steadying breaths, like he taught his novices to do before starting a bout. He needed to remain calm.

Quietly, he made his way up the staircase, his globe light floating before him. Despite himself, his heart was beating faster. In the silence of his heart, he made a quiet prayer to whatever Gods there were that there was another reason for the second wine glass. Not the normal reason, just for once.

Please…not again.

The gallery above was shrouded in darkness. Suddenly, everything seemed too quiet. Regin suddenly realised he hadn't seen a single servant- surely someone normally greeted him when he came home, no matter what the hour? No, it was almost like they were all deliberately keeping a low profile.

As if they were trying to avoid seeing or hearing something they shouldn't.

Not that he blamed them, of course. He probably would have done the exact same thing in their position.

Regin slowly approached to the double doors of the Master bedroom. He hadn't slept in there in many a year, but it was, ostensibly, his bedroom- the most personal room in anyone's home. All our secrets, all our fears, all our deepest thoughts, emotions and desires- we let them lose in our bedrooms, because it's only a room we share with people that we love. Or it ought to be. Regin leaned close to the ornate wood, took in a deep breath of the deep fragrance it still held after all these years- and listened.

He didn't have to wait long before he heard a noise- a very distinct, very feminine giggle. A sound that had set his teeth on edge for a decade. A few moments of silence followed, then another giggle. This was followed by a voice, deep and sonorous- certainly not his wife's voice. A badly stifled groan followed this, with the sound of sheets moving against each other.

Regin decided at this point he had heard enough. With a flexing of his will, he sent magic to the door to manipulate the lock, then discovered with no small amount of surprise that the bolt wasn't in place. He rolled his eyes and threw open both doors with a loud bang. He made his globe light bigger and brighter and sent it into the room, under the canopy of the four-poster bed. His four-poster bed.

"You could at least have locked the door, you know, darling," he said in a voice which dripped with sardonic humour. "That way we could all at least pretend this wasn't happening."

The couple in the bed were desperately attempting to cover themselves up as he spoke. Wynina was flushed and breathless, though whether that was from her husband's sudden entrance or her earlier exploits, Regin really couldn't say. He would consider her later, he decided. He turned his attention to the man, who had just managed to get the bedsheet over his hips. Regin couldn't say he recognised him- he didn't appear to be a regular at Wynina's soirees- he was probably a regular at the awful parties one of Wynina's friends held- where they filled bathtubs full of wine and played ridiculously expensive gambling games until dawn.

The first thing that struck Regin about this man was just how young he was- barely twenty-one or two, by the look of him. You're in the prime of youth, those wonderful years I would pay anything to redo and get right this time, and you're happy to be the trophy sidepiece of this woman? He was all cheek bones and abdominal muscles, Wynina's type to the letter. He was looking at Regin with wide-eyed horror, and Regin almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"My lord, I –" the man began, his voice surprisingly deep for his youth. Perhaps another characteristic that had drawn Wynina in.

Regin held up a hand. "Whatever excuse you have, save it. You're really not worth my time." With his will, he pulled back the covers of the bed, exposing the man, who let out a high-pitched noise of surprise. Now you know exactly how I feel. "You can go now. And if I see your face again, you can be sure it will be an even more excruciating experience than this one."

"Yes, my lord." The man had grabbed his clothes and all but dragged them on- buttons were left undone, belt left unclasped. He grabbed his shoes and ran out the door before he had put them on. His bare feet could be heard pounding down the gallery. It might have been funny, if it had been the first time.

For the first time, Regin turned his full attention to his wife. Wynina had pulled the bed sheets up around her protectively, but Regin could tell she was sitting with her knees up to her chin, the way their girls used to when they were being chastised. She was refusing to look at him, like she was trying to decide between being rebellious or contrite. He wasn't prepared to wait for her to decide. He considered her for a while, choosing his words carefully, before crossing his arms over his chest and deciding that he had had enough.

"Three months ago, I made you an ultimatum," he said softly. "In this room, at a similar hour, under very similar circumstances. Do you remember that conversation?"

She didn't respond, but her cheeks got redder. Angry or embarrassed, it still wasn't clear.

"I told you I thought our marriage was important, if not for our sakes, for the sake of our families and our daughters. But I said if I found you with another man, yet again, that clearly our relationship wasn't important enough to salvage, and we would be finished." He desperately wanted to step closer to the bed, to demand that she looked at him, but he knew he had to play this conversation carefully- or it could all end very badly for him. "Did you not think me a man of my word when I said that? Did you not think that I would do exactly what I said I would do? Of the pair of us, I think we can agree I am the trustworthy one. And believe me when I say, I meant every word."

She finally looked at him. Her eyes were wide. "What?" It was barely more than a whisper.

He almost chuckled at the look of disbelief on her face. "We're done, Nina. You can't say I haven't been reasonable, or even understanding. We were never a love match, we both knew that, but you haven't even tried to make this work. And I will not tolerate being made a cuckhold in my own bed. I will not tolerate the dishonour you bring upon this house any longer." He took a deep breath. "You can stay the night, but in the morning, I want you out. You are no longer welcome."

"Regin, please- you know me. You know none of… this actually means anything to me!" She gestured towards her naked body as she said this. She scrambled across the bed so she could face him properly, the bed sheet still pulled around her as she knelt before him. Her eyes were large and scared- but he knew better to fall for that. She was a consummate actress when she wanted to be. "I just feel so…so—"

He held up his hands. He had heard this speech before- more than once. "Wynina, I'm not interested in having this conversation for the thousandth time." He sighed, and brought his hands down to his sides "But you are right. I do know you and how you feel. I know you to be manipulative, selfish and, quite frankly, ridiculous. I know you feel that the world owes you better than you got, but that doesn't allow you to treat the people around you with the contempt that you do. I won't fall for it- not again."

He observed her reaction. Gone was the little girl lost look. Now her eyes held that nasty sheen he knew all too well. He geared himself up for a fight- which he hoped would remain only verbal.

At least she only has pillows to throw at me, this time.

He decided to carry on before he lost his nerve. "I have, until this point, stayed with you for the sake of the girls. They deserved to have a single family, a happy home, to grow up in- more or less. Now Neva is married, I don't see any more reason to keep up the charade, particularly seeing as you clearly have absolutely no intention in trying to keep to the vows you made to me. I repeat: you can stay the night, but in the morning, I want you out."

"You plan to divorce me? Just like that?" Her voice was deathly calm- that frightened him. It wasn't a reaction he had come to expect from her.

"That was the implied message, yes," he said carefully. "And if you think it's been done just like that, that shows how little attention you have been paying."

"But…You can't! I won't let you!" Ah, there was the anger, right on cue. He winced- she was always loud when she was angry. He didn't want to wake the servants- and neighbours- to yet another argument in the middle of the night.

"Really?" he replied, keeping his voice low and measured. "We both know I have more than ample grounds to do so. I will start proceedings tomorrow by writing to the King."

She was quiet for a few moments. Her breath came slowly, but heavily. He wondered if he had ever seen her think so hard. "It will ruin me," she said eventually, almost hollowly. This time, the fear in her eyes looked real. "My career at court will be in pieces."

He didn't even try to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "Oh, cry me a river. Perhaps you should have thought of that before you took every good-looking man you met back to our house." He decided there was no more to be gained from discussing this now. It was all over- bar the shouting, and that could wait until sunrise. "Anyway, I'm tired, I've had enough of this for the night. We can talk more in the morning."

He turned from her and went to the doors. But before he could step through them, Wynina flung herself in front of them, blocking his path. The bedsheet was still wrapped around her in a quite frankly ridiculous fashion, and annoyed him more than it probably should.

He sighed. "Let's not do this like children, Nina- let me go to bed."

Her face was set in a hard line. "Make me."

He knew what she was trying to do- say what you like about Wynina, but she was clever in her own cruel way. She knew if she could spin this the right way, get him to say and do something foolish, she could easily slip from being the issue to being the victim. But no matter what kind of bully Regin might have been, once upon a time, wasn't that boy anymore. He had never, not ever, laid a finger on his wife. He knew he didn't deserve a medal for that, but he was determined to not sink back into the person he once had been.

He also knew the limits of her patience- he knew he only need wait a little time before she would give in. They stared at each other for some time- Regin forcing himself to keep calm eye contact with her.

His patience was eventually rewarded. She let out an enraged sigh and took a step closer. "Don't think the gossips will be kind to you, either," she snapped. "If you go through with this- if you have the courage to do this, which I very much doubt, you won't be able to show your face in polite society ever again. Not that anyone ever really wanted to see you- it was me they came to see. You'll soon realise the best thing about you was me." Oh yes, Wynina was that nasty.

Regin knew his patience was also starting to dwindle, but he put on one last show of calmness. "I despite polite society. If I never have to see them again, then good riddance to bad rubbish. Now, let me pass, if you would be so kind."

She held her ground for a few more moments, before letting out a noise of irritation and stepping slightly to the side. As he stepped passed her, she grabbed his arm, fingers pressing sharply into his robes, digging into the skin beneath with enough force to cause pain. "You can't just kick me out- as of this moment, I am your wife. I have rights."

He smiled softly- that was where she was wrong. "The deeds to this house are in my name. That means I have complete control over who resides in it- so yes, I can 'kick you out', though those are your words, not mine. I suggest you go back to your family, I'm sure you'll find a way to explain all this to them."

"Do you plan on living here by yourself then? What a pitiful existence that will be!" This was his wife all over- when in an argument, she could never settle on whether she was aiming to enrage him or get his sympathy, so she ended up trying to achieve both, but failing miserably.

Regin looked around the room. It should be a space filled with happy memories. This was where he and his wife had come the night of their wedding- their daughters had been born in this very bed. But now, now it seemed filled with a suffocating smoke that no amount of clean air could clear away. "Not that it is any of your business, but no. I think I'll give it to Issabel- they are still looking for a house they like, and she was always fond of this one, more so than Neva. Then Neva can have the house in Elyne." He nodded to himself. "Yes, that sounds like a plan."

When he looked at her, he noted that her gaze held a hint of genuine curiosity. "And you?"

"Again, not that it is any of your business- but I think I'll go home." He was truly finished with this conversation for the night now, though. He needed to go to bed and think through a the repercussions of what he had said. Because as much as he had been able to put on a bravado in front of her, he knew it would take every inch of nerve he had to go through with this. He strode out into the corridor.

"Wait, you plan to go back to your parents'?!" Her voice was incredulous.

Regin chuckled and shook his head, and turned back to her. "No- the Guild, of course."