A/N: I'm so sorry I took so long to update! I'm hoping to update more consistently, but... we'll see how it goes.

Thanks for all your comments :) I'm glad you like my OCs aly2.0 & that you enjoyed the meaning behind the title . . ! Thanks for the consistent comments EmmaCarstairs01, I really love them and they always motivate me to write more.

Shoutout to Miri for beta-reading this chapter. I've written Nessian oneshots, so if any of you are interested in that, go check it out! Feel free to send me fic prompts on my Tumblr (sayosdreams)

Happy Holidays!

The sweet smell of blueberry pancakes pervaded the house as sunlight streamed through the blue curtains.

Nesta blinked awake. She got up out of bed — which was an actual feat now that she was eight months pregnant — and walked to the kitchen, determined to find the source of the delectable aroma. Perhaps, had she not been still muddled from sleep, she wouldn't have been as surprised at the sight in the kitchen as she was.

Cassian was cooking pancakes. Wearing loose pants and a thin, tight t-shirt that left very little to the imagination, he sang a soft tune.

She blinked for an embarrassingly long time before finally processing the scene. Cassian, engrossed in his tune, didn't seem to notice her presence until he turned to place the plate of pancakes on the table.

"Oh! Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Oh, no, I woke up with the sunlight."

They fell into silence for a moment but Cassian did not resume singing.

"You-" Nesta began, at the exact moment Cassian said, "I m-"

They both fell silent again, until a large grin appeared on Cassian's face.

"I made pancakes," he tilted his head towards them.

Nesta sat down at the table, waiting until Cassian took his own seat before speaking. "What prompted all this pancake-making?"

He shrugged. "I felt like eating pancakes. And honestly, no house is home until you've eaten pancakes in it," he joked, gaze suddenly becoming concerned. "Why? Does it make you nauseous? If you'd rather eat something else, I can-"

"I like pancakes," she interrupted. After a short pause, she added a quiet, "thank you."

"No need to thank me, Sweetheart. You're doing all the hard work, growing a baby in there. This is the least I could do."

Nesta smiled into her glass as she took a sip of water.

"So," Cassian continued, "do you have a busy day ahead of you?"

She nodded. "The bookstore has been getting a lot more customers recently. They seem to really like the setup, with the drinks and all the bookish trinkets we stock along with the wide selection of books."

"Are you mainly running the bookstore section now?"

"Well, it's not like the store is huge or anything. Saibh takes care of the drinks, Brielle takes care of the register, and I help customers." Nesta tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Although I must admit, I'm somewhat partial to monitoring the bookstore section."

"I wouldn't expect anything else," Cassian laughed. He sounded…amused? No, proud. He sounded proud.

"What about you?"

"Hmm?" Cassian devoured another pancake.

"Do you have a busy day ahead of you?" She mimicked his earlier words.

"Not too bad. I'm still here in Velaris. Today I'll discuss with Rhys about the plan for the upcoming meeting, where we get the food and other resources for Illyrians."

"What do you need to discuss? Was there insufficient crop growth this year?"

"No, no. It's not that," Cassian sighed. "The farmers are always hesitant about giving so much to the Illyrians, who they view as backward savages. And of course, they always argue that if we increase the amount we give them, it'll only make the camp lords fatter and that the females will still starve."

"Is that true?"

"To some extent. It's improved over the years, but…" Cassian ran a hand through his hair. "In Illyrian society, males are supposed to be the ones who bring honor to the family by fighting and climbing the ranks. So the males are fed the most, and if there isn't enough food for everyone, the females' portions are reduced. There's no explicit rule or anyone telling them to do so; it's just tradition. Which makes it harder to change."

"But what if there is enough?"

Cassian huffed a tired, ironic laugh. "There's never enough food or resources. There's always freezing children and starving females." He shook his head. "Still, things have gotten much better now. We make sure that there's a portion designated for orphans and for widows, who are the groups that usually get the least resources because they're last in the pecking order."

Nesta cocked her head. "So, going back to what you were saying about the farmers, do you think there really is no need to buy so much food, as long as it's distributed to the groups you mentioned?"

Cassian shook his head. "The farmers, just like other High Fae, look down on Illyrians. They always expect a huge, powerful legion to appear and win all their wars, but never bother to think about how many Illyrians there really are. Also, Illyrians aren't heartless. Yes, males eat first, but they still do their best to make sure that their mates and children don't go hungry. We do our best to ensure that those who usually fall between the gaps in the system don't go hungry, but everyone will go hungry if those farmers had their way. We need to give them food."

"Well then." Nesta's eyes sparkled at his passion. "I hope your meetings go well," she declared as she walked over to the sink to wash her plate.

His voice sounded soft and raw as he replied, "Thank you, Nesta."

"This is supposed to be a safe space for us."

"Yeah, but the fae who wants to join is just a child."

"It's a matter of principle."

"I don't see the point if just anyone can come in here."

"They have everything. Why can't this be just for us?"

"EVERYONE QUIET," Khoniya yelled. Her eyes looked sad and Nesta felt as though she were about to be scolded by her mother. A hush instantly fell over the room.

"Thank you." Khoniya's voice had returned to it's normal low tone. "Now. I decided to create this meeting space to help those of us whom the rest of the world has forgotten to achieve our dreams, too. I founded this to help us find each other and have fun together and make sure Velaris' stars answer our dreams, too."

Her eyes swept over the occupants of the room, whose number had risen to almost forty. "This is not a dictatorship. I'm no more important than any of you — you each have a right to express if something makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe." She swallowed. "What I won't allow is gatekeeping. There is no one who is more or less entitled to be a member because of their background."

Khoniya motioned with her hand that they could speak if they wanted. Ornella, a Urisk from the outskirts of Spring, voiced her opinion. "I come to this club because it's a safe space for us. If we allow just anyone to join, the whole idea of having a place for us will be ruined."

"New members join each time," Arnav replied. He was some sort of Lesser Fae and his parents had been from Summer Court, but he had lived his whole life in Night. His ocean-colored eyes sparkled as he spoke with passion. "This is supposed to be a place for anyone who wants a safe space that they can't find in Velaris. You just don't want members who don't fit your idea of what the club should look like."

"What are you saying?" Ornella raised a defiant eyebrow.

Arnav crossed his arms. "You think members need to be Lesser Fae or from a different Court."

"That's not true!" Ornella argued. "Saibh, Riona and Cian are club members and I adore them!"

Arnav made to reply, but Iridiana cut him off. "That's not true. You accept them because you know that they're from- they're not from Velaris." Iridiana stumbled over her words: even within the club, it was prudent not to leak information about them being from Hewn City. Iridiana had only recently been told the information herself, due to her blossoming friendship with Cian (which was more than just friendship according to Riona). "Plus, they helped make the club so you can't kick them out."

"How dare you? I have marvellous conversations with Saibh and Riona! I accept them because they have a reason to be in the club!"

Alizeh, a wraith, cut in, "It's true that there's really no point letting members join if they don't have a reason. If Velaris is already a safe space for them, why do they need to be here, while we don't have anywhere else?"

"I'm not saying we should let the High Lord join," Iridiana answered, rolling her eyes, "but for anyone else, how are we supposed to judge if they need to join or not?"

"Well, if they're a Night Court High Fae, they don't really need a safe space because Velaris is their safe space, like Alizeh said," Fannar — a Winter Court lesser fae — interjected.

Kemena — a half-Illyrian, half-Peregryn female — scoffed. "And you think you can judge based on species and place of origin, just like that?"

"Well, obviously everyone has problems, but everyone can't be here."

"And why not? Why can't we allow anyone who wants to join to join?"

"Because then it won't be a space for those of us who really need it!"

"And you think you can judge?" Kemena demanded. "Yes, of course we face struggles because of our species and our place of origin. But what of the Night Court High Fae who were violated — physically, emotionally or mentally? What of those for whom their houses are a prison they long to escape? Those who lost everyone in the war and lost their own spirit alongside them — and have nowhere to go? Why can't we be a place where the lost and the hurt and the lonely come to find joy and to heal?"

The room fell quiet at her question.

"Okay, I propose that we continue to let anyone join. We'll keep the flyers discrete to avoid unwanted attention and recruit those who need somewhere to go, no matter their background," Iridiana declared after a beat.

"Let's vote on it," Khoniya proposed. "All those in favor?"

There were a few whispers, but then everyone raised their hand.

"Okay, great," she smiled. "Well, that's the end of this official part of the meeting then, unless anyone has anything else they want to talk about. Otherwise, you can carry on — drinks are over there," she pointed, "and if you need to sit down, you can grab a chair from there," she pointed the other way. "We also have chairs that accommodate wings."

'"Wait," Zuwena — a female from Day Court — stood up. "I wanted to discuss an idea I had."

Everyone turned towards her and she smiled at them shyly, as if she wasn't used to so many fae listening to her.

"I know that many of us have different skills and talents," she said tucking a braided strand of black hair behind her ear, "and I was thinking maybe we could share them with each other, like little workshops. Just for people who are interested, of course," she added hurriedly.

"I think that's a fabulous idea," Arnav smiled.

Alizeh nodded. "I know that some of us never had the chance to learn to write in the Common Tongue, so maybe that could be one of the courses, if someone is willing to teach it?"

Nesta was about to volunteer, but Saibh cut in, "I'd love to!"

"Ooh, Luria, I know you're amazing at knitting, could you teach me?"

"What about Brielle's cooking?"

"I could teach Summer Court cooking, if anyone is interested?"

"I'm definitely interested!"

The room erupted into a million different excited conversations.

When Nesta arrived at work, Saibh and Brielle were talking quietly, huddled together behind the counter despite the shop behind completely empty. As Nesta walked over to them, Brielle explained, "I was just showing Saibh how I organize our register, so that she can run the drinks register more smoothly."

Nesta nodded. Saibh had been arriving at work before Nesta recently and Brielle seemed to be giving her different tips on how to run the shop. Upon Nesta's arrival, they'd spring up from whatever corner they'd been in and would change the topic of conversation to ask Nesta about how she was doing or recount something that had occurred at Khoniya's house. Nesta wasn't jealous that Brielle and Saibh were growing closer. She was secure in their friendship (and it didn't hurt that Nesta, Khoniya and Brielle still had their weekly dinner, just the three of them).

Still, she was slightly hurt that Brielle thought that Nesta wasn't interested — or maybe, wasn't qualified enough — to learn about the intricacies of how the boutique was run.

As the shop opened to customers, Nesta became too busy to worry about such petty matters. The number of customers had increased significantly since the bookstore and drinks sections of the store had opened and Nesta was occupied all day. Although the majority of her day had been fairly monotonous, she had reveled in the moment where she'd recommended one of her favorite books to a young fae whose eyes had lit up upon reading its description.

All in all, she was in a pretty good mood when the day ended. She went to check the drinks counter and found that it was empty, as was the main register. Nesta wondered where they were for a brief moment, until she heard voices coming from the backroom.

She felt a twinge of irritation, which she immediately shot down. It was crazy to be so worked up about this. She decided she wasn't going to do this anymore — there was no reason to hide her desire to learn from her closest friends. She was going to go in there and tell them that she wanted to learn, too. Nesta steeled herself, then walked into the backroom. And froze.

Instead of leaning over the table and examining the spreadsheets or checking the remaining stockpiles, Brielle and Saibh were standing mere centimeters apart, staring at each other.

"You don't understand," Nesta heard Saibh say. "I haven't told Riona or Cian yet because in Hewn, these kinds of relationships weren't allowed."

"You're not in Hewn anymore." Brielle's voice sounded like a strange mixture of softness and nervousness.

Saibh shut her eyes. "I know, but I'm just scared…"

Brielle brought one of her hands up, next to Saibh's face, and caressed her cheekbone.

Nesta's gaze landed on Brielle's other hand, which was intertwined with Saibh's. Realizing the intimacy in the scene she had stumbled upon, Nesta quickly back out of the room, careful not to make any noise.

"How was your day?" Nesta asked as she sat down across from Cassian to eat dinner with him, as had become their routine over the past few weeks of living together. Cassian had made miso soup, rice, and roasted fish and vegetables — all of which smelled extremely appetizing.

"Tiring," he grinned.

Nesta took a sip of her miso soup, giving Cassian a pleased look to convey just how tasty it was. She then nodded, signaling that he could continue talking about his day.

Cassian took a long breath. "First, Amren wanted to purchase some dangerous magical artifact and Rhys dared to ask her where she was planning on storing it, since apparently the artifact can't be around other magical items so Amren can't keep it in her apartment. Amren said she was going to keep it at the Town House and then that sparked some arguments because apparently it could mess with the wards or something." He ran a hand through his hair. "Then, we got news that Ridgehearth, one of the camps, had an uprising. Some of the young ones didn't like the way it was run, I guess. They declared that they're starting a separate camp." He sighed. "I want to be happy for them, for standing up against shitty traditions and rebelling, but then I have to think about how this means they're going to need a ton of supplies as they set up their camp. We have no idea how many Illyrians from Ridgehearth will be moving and then we'll have to redistribute resources and possibly even get new types of supplies, since I usually try to get new camps seeds and some other things so they could try to grow some of their own food. It usually doesn't work out with the mountainous environment but this new camp is supposedly close to Bosqueiji, the Jade Forest. Anyway, I'm going to have to try to get a decent amount of money to buy those seeds for them, which'll be hell, since we already finished budgeting for this year." Cassian ran a hand over his face. "Then, lunch was very awkward since Lucien was there. He's in town for a bit, apparently. The rest of the work day was just as draining. Then in the evening, Mor and Feyre kept trying to invite me to go to Rita's and when I finally convinced them that I couldn't, Rhys suggested that they come visit my new house." He rolled his eyes.

Nesta grimaced sympathetically. "What did you say?"

"I told him that I bought the house to get a break from him and Feyre's sexcapades, and I didn't need their scents all over it," he huffed. "Course that just led to Mor saying she wasn't a horndog, so she should be able to come over. I avoided it this time but honestly, I don't know how I'm gonna keep 'em off."

Nesta knew the Inner Circle was a huge part of Cassian's life: they were not only his friends and surrogate family, but also his co-workers. Asking him about his day inevitably led to a mention of at least one of them. She had gotten better at being a neutral listener; after all, Cassian's interactions with them had little to do with her own and dragging up her emotions about them would only lead to meaningless arguments. However, today's topic was getting dangerously close to her own relationship with them.

"Oof, well, good luck," she said, trying to think of a safer topic.

Unfortunately, Cassian was not on the same page. "It's getting tough to keep avoiding them and honestly I'm starting to doubt it's worth the effort." He cocked his head. "How opposed would you be to them coming over sometime?"

Nesta blinked, bewildered. "Are you kidding me? I thought I made it clear that I didn't want to tell them about the baby and, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but it's rather obvious that I'm pregnant." The end of her sentence was coated with venom as her emotional walls rose. She and Cassian had grown closer slowly over the past few months and then quickly in the short time they'd lived together. They'd fallen into a comfortable pattern of domesticity and what she'd dared to call friendship in her head. She had thought they'd moved past this. She'd been stupid to place so much trust — so much hope — in him.

Cassian frowed. He had the audacity to look surprised at her tone. "I didn't mean- you don't need to be here when they visit."

Nesta let a silence settle between them, giving him time to reconsider his words. The Nesta of a few months ago would have scoffed and stormed out, gone back to her apartment to wallow in self-pity, anger, and self-hatred. The Nesta of a year ago would have dove into the depths of a bottle of alcohol or sought out some sexual companionship to try to distract herself from her emotions; she would've woken up to a pounding headache and throbbing desire to end her own miserable existence. Nesta considered it a testament to her own growth that she was able to stay composed as she answered with a stony, "This is my home, too."

Cassian clearly had no idea of her internal struggle. "Yes, I know, I just meant that I didn't think you'd want to see them, so you don't need to be here if you don't want to."

"Cassian, I understand that they're important to you," Nesta began, deciding that this would be good practice for her patience which would inevitably be tried when her daughter grew older, "but this is our house — our private space. I feel safe here."

One side of Cassian's lips curved upwards. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

"I don't feel comfortable with them visiting, even if I'm not around. I don't want this place to be… compromised."

Cassian was still for a moment. Then he nodded. "Okay." Yet a frown remained on his face.

Nesta rolled her shoulders, trying to ease the slight pain that had built up in her back.

Cassian's eyes turned concerned. "Are you okay?"

It was Nesta's turn to nod while frowning.

Cassian walked over to her side of the table and pulled out a chair besides her. Then, he motioned for her to turn. Her shoulders sagged in relief, tension leaving her as his fingers dug into her back. She loved Cassian's massages.

"Nesta, can I ask you something?"

Nesta had a sudden recollection of being a child who would've replied with a smirk and a 'you just did'. Unfortunately, Nesta was supposed to be an adult and have maturity. She hummed her assent.

"You don't want the Inner Circle to come over and you didn't want them to find out about your pregnancy." Cassian noticed how much her body had tensed at the words Inner Circle and quickly added, "I don't want to fight — I just want to talk and understand. Why do you hate them?"

This time Nesta couldn't suppress the scoff. She debated turning around to glare at Cassian, but his fingers felt sinfully good; to be honest, moving would be punishing herself more than Cassian, so she remained still. "I don't hate them. I just… they don't like me. I don't particularly like them and I don't like how they make me feel."

"What do you mean?" He sounded genuinely curious, which made Nesta's heart clench, though she wasn't sure if it was due to joy or sadness.

Nesta sighed. "Every time I see them, they make it clear how much they dislike me. They usually get tense and I can feel everyone's eyes on me, judging me. The best I can hope for is that they quickly forget about me so I can fade into the background. They…" She rolled her lips. Nesta hated exposing her thoughts and emotions like this, but then again, Cassian was going to parent her child with her. She had no idea when she'd have another chance to explain the complex relationship she had with the Inner Circle. Nesta mentally thanked Brielle and Khoniya for helping her learn to open up and withstand the sensation of being naked and vulnerable.

"Rhysand doesn't like me, probably because of my childhood with Feyre. I understand, I do, but he takes every opportunity to remind me that he's the most powerful High Lord in existence while I'm just an unwelcome fae living under his rule. He loves to remind me that I'm at his mercy — that I should be grateful that he isn't tearing my brain apart or controlling my body. Morrigan…"

A bitter laugh escaped her lips. "She loves to talk about how difficult I am and how much alcohol is required to withstand my presence. She whispers about what a whore I am, just loud enough for me to hear her. Not to mention she can't go five seconds without telling me to stay away from you."

"What?" He sounded startled, as if he hadn't intended to speak but couldn't resist making a sound at her words.

Nesta shrugged one shoulder. "She doesn't think I'm good enough for you." She rolled her eyes, though Cassian couldn't see it. "Anyway… the rest of them are fine. I don't know Azriel very well — he seems fine, if quiet, though it's not like he's ever stood up for me." She resisted the urge to yell that Cassian hadn't ever stood up for her either. "Amren is…" She didn't have the words to express how she felt about her. "She wants me to be someone I'm not and expects me to be happy about it," was all Nesta could say.

"Feyre and Elain are my sisters. I know we have a complicated past but… still. I know that I'm just unwanted baggage for them and, despite everything, it's a bit humiliating, especially since I'm their older sister." Nesta tried to laugh, but it sounded pathetic, even to her own ears.

"Fundamentally, none of them understand me," Nesta said quietly. "The Inner Circle doesn't care about me. And it's fine, I mean, I barely know them. There's really no need to pretend or to force a connection when they just make me feel like less than the dirt under their feet. My sisters… They do care, but they don't understand either — they never have. I'm glad they're doing well. I'm glad they're happy. But they… well, especially Feyre… it's like she can't comprehend that it's possible for me to be unhappy. She thinks this is heaven. She also doesn't understand that I'm not Elain or Morrigan or even her."

Cassian's hands had stilled at some point during her monologue. Nesta finally turned around, dread pooled in the pit of her stomach, half-expecting to see Cassian looking bored and ready to fall asleep or angry and defensive. Instead, Cassian looked both shocked and enthralled. "This must be some kind of misunderstanding. Rhys and Mor aren't those kinds of people."

"Or maybe I just bring out the worst in people." She shrugged, ignoring Cassian's protesting stare. "Look, I don't hate them. I just don't want them here, in our house, and I don't want them teaching our daughter to hate me before she can even talk."

"They wouldn't-" Cassian began, before cutting himself off. "How come you've never told me this before?" He asked instead. His tone wasn't accusing; Cassian sounded as though he was trying to process a lot of new information, which he probably was.

"You never asked."

"Yeah, I guess so," he breathed. Cassian ran a hand through his hair. "Does that mean you don't want our daughter to meet them? Ever?"

"Well, first off, I didn't want them around during the pregnancy because it's hard enough without all the added… stress." Cassian nodded. A light shone in his hazel eyes and he looked as though he finally understood.

"I'm sure they'll meet someday," Nesta said. "I would just prefer that she doesn't meet them while she's a baby, if possible."

Her eyes darted to the wall and she took a deep breath, then met Cassian's eyes. "I know that they're your family, so I understand if you want them to meet her while she's still a baby. They've been with you for hundreds of years so it's fine that they're your priority. I just wanted you to understand where I'm coming from."

Cassian looked floored. "They're not my priority," he replied after a moment of silence. He cleared his throat and continued. "Thank you for telling me about how you feel." His hazel eyes were soft and seemed to convey that he knew how difficult talking about emotions was for her. "I think I understand now. I do want them to meet her someday, but it doesn't need to be right away or when she's a baby." A soft smile spread over his face. "And Nesta, you two are my priority."

"Cassian, you don't need to…" Nesta sighed. "I know that Rhys is your High Lord and Feyre is your High Lady and you're the General of the Night Court. Your first loyalty will always be them. I know they're your brothers and your friends and your family." Her eyes dropped to the floor. "I appreciate that you care about me and about our daughter, Cassian. It's okay that the Inner Circle will always come first."

"Nesta, you don't understand." He sounded frustrated and his tone was suddenly louder, causing Nesta to look up at him. "Yes, I'm friends with the Inner Circle and Rhys and Az are my brothers. Yes, I am loyal to my High Lord and Lady. But my first loyalty, my priority, will always be you two. You'll always come first because you're everything I ever wanted."

Cassian let out a break. "Nesta, ever since I was a child, a bastard and then an orphan, I dreamed of having a family. Yes, Az and Rhys are my brothers, but Nesta, you've given my own family and you're giving me a child and that's an infinitely precious gift that I-" Cassian winced at his own inability to voice his emotions. "I care about her and I care about you," he said finally. "I've said it before but we never got to finish that conversation. I care about her and you more than anything or anyone else in this world. I love that together you are my family. I love our daughter, because she is a part of you and me, and I love her independently for being her. I love that she craves strange snacks in the middle of the night and craves expensive macarons whenever you see them. I love that she kicks extra hard when we laugh. I can't wait to meet her and learn everything about her and show her the world." His eyes had rested on her baby bump as he'd spoken about their daughter, but now, they rose to meet hers. They were intense and seemed to pierce through her walls and armor and facades and really looked at her, in a way very few people had ever done. "And you, Nesta. I love that you're her mother and that you decided to share this with me. I love how much you care about her. And independently, I love that you're so strong — that you dealt with the horrible things life threw your way and somehow emerged as… you." He said the word you as though it were the word 'marvellous' or 'brilliant' or 'miraculous'. "You're kind and care and fiercely protective of those you love. You're beautiful and passionate and-" His eyes sparkled and a joyous laugh burst from his lips. His face shone as a grin coated it. He looked astounded, as though he had stumbled upon an unexpected treasure chest that brought him infinite happiness. "You're everything, Nesta." The sentence made little sense, but Nesta understood his meaning perfectly — she was everything he had ever dreamed of, everything he never even dared to hope for, everything he needed and wanted and cared about (and loved).

Tears sprung to her eyes at the way he had said her name. Nesta. As if she embodied everything good this world had to offer. As if she was a precious miracle. As if he loved her.

No one had ever said her name like that.

Mesmerized by the look in his eyes, she answered, "Cassian, you're strong and good and kind. You're the most loyal and funny and caring person I know. You're beautiful and bright, inside and out."

Once, Nesta would have thought, I'm not good enough. But over these past few months, Nesta had become someone she loved and respected — someone who was worthy of love and respect. Someone who might just be good enough for the strong, kind-hearted male before her.

She hadn't even noticed that either of them had moved forward, but their foreheads leaned together as she whispered, "Cassian, you're everything."

And then they were kissing.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Please leave reviews :) they motivate me to write more.

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Thanks again for reading! Senior year is tough but I'll get through it (hopefully)!