xvi. feel something

(song by bea miller)

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The weirdest and most random things always seem to give us a new perspective to look at our lives. Nina had never considered herself a weak person, after all she learned young that she had to be the one to have her own back or else. Don't get her wrong though, she knew she was very privileged; she was brought up with money, she was smart, she was pretty… But still life was a bitch and misery doesn't discriminate on her love for company.

She was six when her parents got divorced. She was their only child, a little bit tomboyish and too rowdy she was already showing to be much more like her dad than her mom. Maybe that's why her mom didn't seem all that guilty to leave her behind when she married another man not even a year later. And then when she got pregnant and the visits became shorter and more far in between, it didn't seem like Nina had a place in the new picture-perfect family her mother was building. It was a painful realization but it didn't compare to the pain of losing her dad. At eight years old you don't think of your parents as human beings, you don't think they are capable of being hurt or dying because they're your heroes. It was world-shattering knowing that he wouldn't be there anymore and she had never felt more alone.

Those were the first times she'd say she experienced true anguish but hardly the last ones. Nina knew pain, pain was familiar to her and depressingly comforting if she was honest. It would be funny if not tragic to think she would ever miss feeling sad… But somehow she came to learn now that feeling numb is much worse.

"Mom, how many times are we gonna have this conversation?" Nina spoke into her cell phone as she walked into the intern locker room.

"Oh, you mean when you actually answer your phone or return my texts?" Her mother voice came out steady on the other side, sounding as bored as she always did when speaking.

She nodded her head to the other interns as she pulled her scrubs from her locker room, annoyed at the conversation already two minutes in. Every time it goes like this, she thought. Her mother wasn't a woman used to hearing the word no and God knows it was Nina's favorite word to say to her so you can imagine their relationship wasn't a very cheery one.

"I'm in the middle of an internship, even if I could ask for time off like that, it wouldn't do me any good. The more time I spend in the hospital, the more I learn." She explained for what felt like the hundred time. "Come on, you want me to flunk my intern exam? I can see it clearly now… All that money you spent to make sure I went to a good medical school going down the drain…"

"Kahlani, don't talk to me as if I'm stupid." Her mother's voice interrupted before she could scoff anymore. "There is no way you don't have days off. All I'm asking is that you use at least two of those days to come home for my birthday."

It was her mother's 45th birthday at the end of the month and she had been trying to convince her to go home for the party for at least two weeks now. As her mother went on and on about how it felt like years since they've seen each other, Nina sighed and promised she would try to see if she could attend the party. Even though their relationship wasn't the best, she really didn't think it would be appropriate to tell her mom that the idea of going home right now sounded like an absolute nightmare and almost made her want to vomit. The sun, the tanned rich people her mother called friends, her childhood home, her siblings… Nauseating.

By now, it had been nearly three weeks since the disturbing day she saw Jacob King walking away from her for the last time. Of course, it also meant three weeks since she almost slept with Leo Madsen and then began avoiding him like he was sunlight and she was a vampire. The hospital had even started to feel small; Leo was everywhere she looked with his hurt little expression because she was refusing to speak to him. It was annoying as hell and she knew the day had come she had to put a stop to her own stupid madness.

Tracking Alex down with his to-go coffee he had begged her to bring him that morning, she contemplated how she could go about it. Truth was, she had mostly avoided him because she had no idea what she would actually say to him. "Sorry I almost fucked you, threw up while crying on your apartment, ran away and then ignored you for three weeks." Yeah, she was gonna have to come up with something better than that.

"Hey." She greeted Alex, finding him in a skills lab with a few other residents.

"Thank God." He mumbled, taking his coffee off her hands. "You're late."

"Shut up. No, I'm not." She rolled her eyes, sitting on top of one of the tables and taking a sip from her own coffee. "What are you all doing here?"

"Some training… I don't know." He shrugged and she nodded, looking around before focusing on him again.

"So…" She started and he raised an eyebrow at her suggestive voice. "I'm finally talking to Leo today."

"Why?" He huffed in response, frowning in annoyance. "He tried to take advantage of you."

"No, he didn't." She scoffed at his words, that was a bit much. "He was drunk too! And I'm pretty sure I was the one to initiate things, if you know what I'm saying…" She giggled under her breath, what an awful decision. "Ugh, I just don't know what to say to him." She groaned before giving him a bitter smile. "This sucks."

"You think this sucks?" He asked with a smirk before lowering his voice. "Izzie wants me to sign the papers. Can't bring myself to it… They're just sitting in my cubby." His voice sounded so earnest that she felt she needed to bring the mood up a bit.

"Wanna exchange places? I also just found out my mom's throwing herself a birthday party and I have like twenty days to prepare myself to face her and my family." She raised an eyebrow in challenge, he couldn't top that.

"Don't go." He shrugged, giving her an obvious way out.

"Oh no, she threatened me. Said if I don't go this time, she's coming here and definitely overstaying her welcome."

"Ugh." She laughed at his groaning response. "Okay, you can have this round." They laughed as they raised their coffee cups for a toast before she rolled her eyes.

"You know we are two sad excuses for human beings, right?" Alex let out another laugh at her words, nodding his head as he completely agreed. "Eh. More to drink about."

As Miranda Bailey showed up to administrate the so-called resident's training, Nina left to find Callie seeing she had been working with her that week. Orthopedics wasn't exactly her cup of tea but Callie was definitely one of her favorite attendings at SGMW and working with her was always interesting and fun. It was just her luck that as soon as her feet hit the pit, she found herself barely managing not to run straight into Leo's arms as he walked out.

"Hey." She squealed in surprise, clearing her throat before repeating it. "Hi."

"Hi." He greeted her back with a confused frown on his face, surprised that she hadn't scurried away already.

"Uh." She bit her lip, her eyes not going anywhere but to his face even though she wanted to look away. "I'm so sorry, Leo." The words rushed out of her mouth as if of their own accord.

"Ok?" He mumbled out.

"No, I…" She sighed, closing her eyes for a few seconds before grabbing his hand and pulling him to a corner. "I am so sorry for how I've acted this past few weeks."

"Nina, it's fine." He interrupted her but she wasn't finished.

"No, I mean it." She shook her head. "I was acting like a freaking teenager and it's stupid… So stupid and I know it." Sighing again, she put her hands on his shoulders. "Look, you're like one of the best guys I know, alright? And I… That day I had this argument with Alex and I drank too much and… I'm really sorry it happened and I'm even more sorry that I didn't know how to react to it, I shouldn't have been avoiding you." At her words, he gave her a small smile and a nod. "I miss you, you know? I like you a lot better than Miles, you're the good one." She mock-confessed in a lower voice, so the people walking around them wouldn't hear as if it was a big secret.

"I think we all know that." He whispered back, laughing. "But really it's ok. We were both way too drunk and I was… I was mad and disappointed and… Lonely. Shouldn't have happened." He shrugged with a smirk. "No offense, but you and I? Wouldn't even make sense." She nodded at him, truer words had never been said before. "Pretend it never happened?"

"Nothing changed?"

"Nothing." He laughed as she raised her pinky finger, looming his around hers with a promise. "Never happened and nothing changed."

"Good, now let's change the subject." As they let each other's pinky fingers go, she turned to him with a wider smile. "I've actually been mulling around this idea and I wanna make you a proposition."

"Oh, do tell."

"You know how I live in this tiny crappy studio apartment that I absolutely loathe?" He nodded at her words, laughing under his breath and she continued. "I've decided to finally get a bigger and better place, been looking for a few days now and I found the most incredible apartment in the world! It's close to the hospital, gorgeous, the living room is huge, it has an office and a balcony!? Only thing is… Can't afford by myself so I thought… Who do I know that also lives in a crappy studio he's most definitely paying too much for?"

"You had me at bigger and better." Leo said after she finished her rambling proposition. "How much?"

"Eight hundred each if we find a third roommate."

"Got yourself a deal." He put his hand up for a handshake and she took it with a grin. "I'll spread the word, see who we can find."

"No smokers, no gunners, no freaks." She warned him and he nodded, saluting her like a soldier before walking away with a wink.

One of Callie's patients was a young woman named Jamie Anders, who had suffered a knee injury after being hit by car while riding her bike and for that she was going to need some X-rays to confirm the severity of the damage done to her patella. Jamie was also a very attractive young woman who seemed to take a liking to Callie almost immediately.

"Wow, I think three was a crowd in there." Nina mumbled to Callie with a small smile after they walked out of the patient's room.

"What are you talking about?"

"Are you serious?" The intern laughed under her breath. "Jamie. Totally flirting with you."

"No, she wasn't." Callie dismissed it with a roll of her eyes as she kept walking, the intern following her along yet again.

"Yes, she was. Ugh, don't tell me you're one of those people who are completely blind to this kind of stuff." At her attending's silence, she couldn't help but giggle. "You are!" Receiving a glare from Callie, she continued teasing her. "I thought people like you were just a Young Adults book cliché."

"Shut up." Callie complained but gave out a laugh anyway so Nina's grin only became wider. "Like you're one to talk?" She motioned with her head at Leo who was sitting down at a close-by nurse station charting as they walked past it.

"Leo and I are just friends." She shook her head but Callie only raised an eyebrow, deadpan look in her face. "Seriously, he's halfway in love with Hatcher."

"I heard you guys kissed." Callie challenged her words and it was her turn to roll her eyes.

"He was trying to make her jealous." At her attending's incredulous look, she only sighed and nodded. "I know."

"Ok, I'll give you that one but what about Karev?"

"Alex?" Nina teased her, knowing she was grasping at straws. "That's the best you can do?"

"Everyone knows he's got a thing for you!"

"Oh yeah, he's got such a thing for me that he runs off with Lexie to on-call rooms whenever he can."

"Fair." Callie nodded reluctantly before risking one more name. "Uh, Mark?"

"Flirts with anything that moves, hardly means anything."

"Ok, yeah, you got me." The intern grinned as Callie gave up, she was alone on the boat of oblivious people. "But I still stand about Karev." Nina rolled her eyes but thought it wasn't worth the argument.

Lunch was interesting, to say the least. First because Leo couldn't stop talking about all the candidates he had already found for the apartment he and Nina were going to share, even coming up with different elimination methods with Miles. It was kind of amusing that he was so excited about moving that, for what was probably the first time ever, he wasn't the first one to notice that Sarah hadn't shown up. Now the second part was Sarah because, well… Sarah was a mess.

Sarah who, just last week, had been so excited to show her friends the necklace her boyfriend, Luke, gifted her when they celebrated their one month anniversary only for her to find out last night that he probably had a dozen of those to pass around; as he was no stranger to anniversaries because he had many of them to celebrate with the three other women he was also seeing. There was Jacquelyn, two necklaces already; then there was Maisey, six necklaces; and most surprisingly of all Nadia, but being the wife of three years probably got something more expensive than a necklace.

"I found this bra… On his apartment." Sarah explained, trying to control her tears. "He told me it was old, he didn't even know who it belonged to… We've only been together a month, I didn't wanna seem like the crazy jealous girl, you know?" Nina nodded, knowing her friend needed to let the words out to cleanse her mind. "But I have the worst luck with me and I…"

"You were suspicious."

"I went through his phone when he fell asleep." She continued after nodding to Nina's words. "There was nothing. No girls names, no pictures, no messages, it's like he deleted everything… But I noticed that his contact list..." Sarah rolled her eyes at the memory. "He had all these numbers saved for restaurants… I thought it was weird. Who saves that?" Nina nodded for her to continue, showing she was listening and agreeing. "So I dialed my own number and guess what? I was Shiro's! It was the restaurant we had our first date in."

"Oh no."

And then Sarah finished explaining how she took his phone home while he was still sleeping and texted every single restaurant name saved into it. Most of them being women he had only gone on one date with but there were three who were under the same impression Sarah was, that they were the only one. Jacquelyn was 21, studying Art History at Seattle University, and met him at a coffee shop; Maisey was 28, animal keeper at Woodland Park Zoo, and met him at a bar; and finally Nadia was 34, real estate agent in Renton where she lived with her husband Luke and their two children.

"I liked him so much, Nina."

As she hugged her friend to comfort her as she cried, Nina couldn't help but feel a little cynical. It was fucked up and the guy was a major asshole in a scale Nina had never seen before, her friend deserved to be mad and cry but… One month and Sarah liked this man enough to be balling her eyes out while hiding in the bathroom during her shift? It was ridiculous but Nina was almost jealous.

Jamie's surgery came and went perfectly successfully, they had to open her knee and wire all the pieces of her patella back together but she was set for a good recovery aside from some initial pain. With that, Nina had placed herself on the nurse station right outside the patient's room as she checked her chart and watched with interested as Callie walked inside not noticing her there.

"I saw that." Nina surprised the attending in a singing voice as soon as she walked out, beginning to walk with her just to tease her. "You got a number. Score!"

"Okay. Fine." She rolled her eyes with a laugh. "Maybe I pretended not to notice the cute girl flirting with me…" The two stopped walking as they neared where Nina realized was the attending's lounge. "But that's because I'm in a committed relationship. What's your excuse?"

"Woah. Talk about bringing a gun to a knife fight." Nina raised her arms in mock-surrender, grin still in place.

"Shit, Nina. I'm sorry." Callie raised her hands to rub her temples, knowing she sounded harsh when Nina was only friendly teasing her. "I shouldn't have put you on the spot, it's just… Arizona and I, we're having these issues and Jamie…" She didn't even notice she had started to ramble. "Arizona doesn't want kids and I… I do, I want it. And now I can't stop wondering if maybe Jamie wants kids one day. It's… I'm sorry." She paused, frowning that she had just dumped all that information into the poor intern who had nothing to with it. "And you have nothing to do with this, I'm sorry again." She laughed under her breath, not really finding it funny, but Nina interrupted her before she could walk into the lounge.

"I pretend not to notice because I feel…" The intern shook her head with a bittersweet smile, thinking Callie deserved a real answer after she gave her one. "Well, I don't actually. I haven't felt anything romantic for anyone for a long time now. I don't think I can, like physically. And I wish I could." She bit her lip as Callie listened with curiosity. "God, I'm pathetic because hearing you say that you and Arizona are having problems makes me jealous because even though you want different things, you love each other. And I feel… Numb." She explained before saying the truer words she had said in a while. "So I can't notice because I can't feel it back."

After her weird conversation with Callie where they both shared what was probably more than they should have with each other in a rambling motion, Nina changed out of her scrubs and decided to go looking for Alex. She knew a lot of people thought there was something going on between them or that even if there wasn't, there would be soon. But she thought to herself, the truth was that they were both damaged in a similar way and understood each other like other people just didn't. Alex was her friend, a close one, definitely the best one she had in Seattle, but that was that; they were just friends. Thus why it came as a mystery to her why finding him standing by a nurse station with his hands around Lexie Grey's waist as the two kissed passionately made her momentarily have to catch her breath.

"Nina!" Sarah's voice called out as she was hurriedly walking away from that scene and she looked up a bit startled.

"Hey, feeling better?" She asked as Sarah came to her side, her friend shrugging in response with a small smile as they boarded the elevator.

"Heard you're looking for a roommate for your new apartment." Sarah changed the subject, turning to look at her with a grin. "You didn't even tell me!"

"Just decided today now that I'm talking to Leo again." Sarah rolled her eyes, tired of asking both parties what that rift between them was about and getting no response.

"Well, I want in." Nina laughed a little at her friend's excited words, looking at her weirdly.

"You have a great place."

"So? Sharing with friends! Sounds fun, like in college." Sarah grinned, making the other smile back at her.

It did sound like a good idea being friends with your roommates but then Nina remembered Leo's gigantic crush on the brunette standing beside her. Imagine how fucking awkward it'd be for him if one day Sarah decided to bring some guy back to the apartment, or worse how crushed he'd be the next day when he realized the guy spent the night. Then it didn't sound as appealing as it first did.

"You'll have to talk to Leo though." Nina decided to say. "I made him responsible for finding the third roommate." Then he could determine for himself if he wanted Sarah living with them or not.

"Easy. I can convince Leo."

"I don't know… I heard he had screening methods."