For the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition

Round Five: Join the Dark Side

Chudley Cannons

Seeker

Prompt: Scar (The Lion King) - Write about someone betraying their family.

Chudley Cannons Team Challenge: Write a character you've not written before.

Word Count: 1058 (excluding A/N and Title)

This is sort of an AU-ish story where Remus goes back to his childhood home in Yorkshire instead of back to Tonks after his argument with Harry at Grimmauld Place.

Also, title inspired by the song i can't (forgive myself) by Revere. Huge thanks to Fire the Canon and halfravenhalfclaw for beta-ing!

*.*.*

i can't (forgive myself)

*.*.*

Droplets of rain patter vigorously against the grimy, translucent panes of the windows. The room is dark, mostly due to the soot and dust that has accumulated on the glass of said windows over the years. It looks devoid of life, except for the occasional squeaking of the rats that have found shelter there.

The lock in the door clicks, making an eerie, creaking noise as it swings open. A dark, cloaked figure makes its way into the tiny, tumble-down shack. It closes the door behind it, then withdraws a slender stick of sycamore wood from within the depths of its robes and holds it out in front of it.

"Lumos Maxima!" a hoarse, male — the cloaked figure's — voice utters in a low rumble. Almost immediately, a soft blue light erupts from the tapered end of the wooden stick, seems to quiver there for a moment, before it brightens suddenly and spreads across the room, filling each nook and corner.

In the light of his wand, the wrinkles and the scars etched across Remus Lupin's face are much more prominent — wrinkles that are ill-suited on his young face. Remus sighs, but does not tuck his wand back into his pocket. Holding it at the ready, he takes a few careful steps, stopping and staring wistfully around the place. Now that the room is lit up, he can see with his own two eyes the dilapidated condition it is in. But before he does anything else, he needs to make sure someone else has not taken it upon themselves to provide him company in this lonely little hovel.

"Homenum Revelio," Remus murmurs. There's silence for a few seconds, and then, when nothing suspicious reveals itself, his shoulders relax. He flicks his wand towards the furniture, and the dust that had been clinging to it like a second skin only seconds before, disappears — as if it had never been there at all. Another wave of the wand, and the windows are as good as new.

None of that stops the rain outside from pouring as viciously as before, of course.

Remus heaves another sigh, one that he does not know he has been holding in all this while. His legs give way, and he drops into the only seat in the little shack — a tattered old couch. He runs a hand over his tired face and then covers it with both hands.

Tonks' words from this morning wash over him.

"I hate this. I feel like a bloody whale. I look like a bloody whale. I can't go and fight. I can't be of any use!" she grumbles, pacing angrily in front of him, her hair colour shuttling from mousy brown to aquamarine, like it did when she was furious.

Andromeda's teacup stops on its way to her lips. "Er, you're pregnant, my darling —" she tries to say, but Tonks interrupts her loudly.

"Yeah, well, I hate being pregnant. I want to be of some use. I don't want to be just another burden on everyone else — "

"But, love, you're not — "

"I am. I know that. Everyone knows that. Only last night I heard Remus talking to Bill about how he couldn't go and join the Order because his stupid wife is pregnant. See? I'm not only being useless myself, I am hindering everyone else from doing anything, too. I can't live like this, Mum."

"You're not hindering anyone, darling," Andromeda says quietly, stirring her tea. "Remus chose to stay back. He could have gone, seeing as I am always here to take care of you. He didn't want to go."

The younger woman did not reply, but buried her face in her hands. The room became uncomfortably quiet thereafter.

Of course, Remus did not leave because his wife is 'pregnant and of no use'. God knows he loved her and their unborn baby. In fact, that was the very reason behind his leaving. He loves them, and he wants to protect them from the reputation that is attached to his condition. He does not want his child to suffer the same injustice he himself has been through all his life. He could not bear it if his son or daughter hated him because of that.

He could not live with that. But no one seemed to understand him. Not even Harry. Of course, the boy had a point. James had given up his life protecting his wife and son, and Remus, on the other hand, goes and betrays his family right when he is most needed. James would never forgive a turncoat like him.

But I am protecting my wife and child in my own way, Remus thought, hoping it will squash the guilt that is threatening to engulf him.

Actually, I think you're protecting yourself from the 'hate' you think your unborn child is going to direct at you. You think your child is going to blame you for the 'injustice' they are going to face for being a werewolf's son or daughter — or worse, a werewolf themselves — don't you?

Remus groaned, dropping his head against the back of the sofa and staring up at the ceiling covered in intricate cobwebs.

"I cannot believe this. The man who taught me to fight Dementors — a coward."

The rage that he had felt earlier at Harry's words is surprisingly not there anymore. Instead, tears of shame sting the corner of his eyes. He betrayed his loved ones. He had blurted out so many things he should not have. He had said he regretted ever marrying Tonks, and getting her pregnant. He had said it was a mistake. He had never meant any of that, of course. Tonks is one of the best things that has happened to him in his short, miserable life. He can never regret it.

But what is done, is done. How can he ever show his face to her again? The image of her stunned, dumbfounded self when he had shouted in her face about how he'd done a grave mistake would be etched in his memory forever. A traitor. That's what he is, no better than Pettigrew. He left his wife when she needed him the most.

He wonders if she can forgive him for that. He wonders if he can ever forgive himself.

*.*.*

Remus is one of my favourite characters. I'm sorry I had to do this to him.