Author's note: BDSM revelations? Let's dive in. This chapter is long and a lot of things will be talked about. Please read carefully and if you're a guest trolling to make fun of mental illness, your review will not see the light of day from here on out.
A few things to remember: Ana has been in the foster system since the age of 5 after her parents died. At age 8 she met Jose and was with him for two years after which she was placed with the Mortons. Three years into living with them, Anabelle entered the foster system and came to live with the Mortons. Ana has suffered physical, mental and nutritional abuse. Anabelle was also sexually abused by Morton in addition to all that Ana suffered.
If you think that Ana coddles Belle a lot, think about how she never received the love she needed as a child after her parents died. Think of how she's doing the best she can for her daughter. Think of how words, actions and bonds are important to her. She is doing the best that she can for her child.
So when you expect her to drop shit and just jump into CG's arms, think about her trust issues and consider how she's putting Belle's welfare first. Yet she still has made room for him to essentially waltz in.
This Ana is OOC/AH, therefore very different from canon Ana.
She still doesn't understand CG because there is a huge part of his life he hasn't shared with her. In this chapter she will finally learn the root of his behavior due to sexual abuse. While this CG is slightly OOC, I still tried to retain some of his canon qualities, especially his history, motivations and reactions.
This will be a long and hard chapter because there will be heavy emotions on both sides. Ana will share some more details about her past and it's not a bedtime story. This chapter will also reference some things from Chapter 25, 26 & 29.
I hope those of you who are so dismissive of Ana can be a little more compassionate.
And lastly, if I was such a CG hater, I wouldn't have him within 10 feet of Ana and Belle. I wouldn't have a supportive family around him. Just cause the guy has a good looking face and more money than sense, doesn't give him an automatic free pass. He's got some work to do and lessons to learn. The decisions he has made in his adult life have had some serious consequences to both himself and the people around him.
Thank you for your reviews on the last chapter. I'm humbled and honored by those of you who are still sticking with this story.
are you thinking what if, what if we ruined it all?
"She can say that, all she likes but it doesn't change the fact that I am. I was selfish. She pointed out that I was emotionally cavalier in my personal life."
"And you agree with that assessment?"
Christian nodded and reluctantly shared a truth that he hated to admit. "If I were her, I wouldn't trust me either."
Self loathing was the baseline Christian tapped into when he was out of his depth and he was doing it again. John had to help him pull back from that.
"Then how about becoming the person you would trust. That Belle can trust and by extension, Ana can trust?" John replied.
Christian looked up and stared at John. That's it? That's the answer?
"I can see the wheels turning." John chuckled.
"I just… I don't know where to begin?"
"Dive into fatherhood head first. For children, safety is in familiarity, routine and the stability of all that. If you can become a part of Belle's routine and immerse yourself, you will learn the ins and outs of what it takes to take care of her and form a bond- then it will give you the confidence you're looking for." He eyed Christian curiously who was staring at the rug and silently nodding.
"You've already said that Ana is helping make room for you, ask her how else you can help her? It has to be you to take the extra steps. Maybe try to help with her sleeping routine, read her stories or sing her to sleep like her mother… on your own. Give her the night off here and there."
"What if I fuck it up?" Christian muttered.
"Then you'll learn. Trust your instincts, ask Ana, read up on it if anything, ask your brother and his wife, ask your mother. Your family is an added resource of information as well."
Chris nodded. "How can I get her to open up to me? There's so much I don't know about her and her pregnancy with the girls about her past. Every time I try to talk to her about it, she shuts down."
"I suspect because it's intensely personal. It's easy to talk about things as bullet points but to share the play by play, it can be difficult. Given how public her life is, I wouldn't be surprised that there are things that she hasn't told anyone beyond her trusted companions or even beyond her therapist."
"I want to be that for her. I want to be the person who she tells everything to." Chris murmured.
"Do you want her to be that person for you? Then take a page out of her book. Be vulnerable with her. Share your past, she still doesn't know a huge part of your life. Share that with her, hide nothing and answer her questions truthfully. It's your turn to give Christian."
He nodded dutifully. "Will I ever be able to live any of this down?"
"All you can do is try your best to be there for them both and do everything you can to prove to both Belle and Ana that you're committed."
"And what if she still doesn't want me? I don't think I can handle that. Even in hypotheticals it drives me mad." It was in times like this he wished he had the power to turn back time.
"Then that will be her decision." John said simply. "We can't force people to be with us. Just like no one can force you to be with them."
Chris inhaled deeply and lay back on the couch, silently staring upward at nothing in particular. A million thoughts raced through his mind.
"This feels like Karma." he scoffed.
"You believe in that?" John was surprised. Christian never showed any inclination to such ideas or beliefs.
"All of this has got me thinking of stuff that I never gave a passing thought to." He chuckled. "Elliot would sometimes talk about fatherhood and being with Kate in a way that made me think he was stark raving mad and now I find myself in the same boat, or I have been in that boat since I met Ana. It makes me question all my life choices."
"Sharing a connection like that with someone can do that. Having children can do that. You see how innocent and helpless they are, so it gives you a new perspective on life and your past." John shared.
Chris shared Ana's little shutdown protocol on him when she came into the room last night that had John laughing.
"So how does that make you feel?" John deadpanned.
"Fuck off." Chris smirked.
"Hi." Ana smiled, breaking away from the kiss.
"Hi, baby."
"HI CHWIS." Belle squealed.
"Lest you forget the little bear." Ana giggled watching Chris pick up Belle and blow a raspberry in her neck.
They walked into the kitchen where Ana handed him the mock up of the book that was set to go into print later this week and hit the bookshelves a week before father's day.
"Chwis, Bellie and Spencer book." Ana picked up Belle and sat on the island in front of Chris to watch her as she showed him the book with much enthusiasm. "Daddy book." She said pointing at the page showing the illustration of two little girls reading a letter from their Dad.
"I had another rough draft two months ago and read it to her a lot so she's memorized it." Ana shared.
The book's first installment out of the five would talk about the first six days of adventures that little Christine and Spencer would have after their Dad left for his work to the big city.
The illustration of the little girls showed a similarity to Belle with her blue eyes and Spencer who shared a likeness with Ana and had grey eyes.
Spencer looked like me, I'd like to think she would've had your eyes once she grew a little
"Baby, can you tell Daddy the name of the book?" Ana walked over to the island and took a seat on the bar stool next to them.
"Daddy book?"
"No what is the book called? The adventures of…" She trailed.
"Avenshure Chwistine Spencer." She cheered.
Chris chuckled. "That's amazing, Belle. Will you read it to me?"
Belle nodded and moved in close to start reading along with showing him all the pictures not making an ounce of sense.
"Isn't she a lively orator." Ana teased while working to take out bowls for the dinner she made.
Spaghetti bolognese with garlic bread was on the menu for dinner. Belle's favorite.
"I wonder where she gets it from?" Chris smirked.
"Chwis… pasta." Belle held up a noodle to feed him.
"Bellie, don't do that. You'll ruin his clothes." Ana admonished.
"It's okay." he smiled before eating it and bit her hand a little, making Belle squeal.
"Mama, chwis bear."
Ana rolled her eyes, smiling. "Yeah, makes sense. Your Daddy's a bear and you're a bear. A messy bear."
Belle's hands and face were smothered with pasta sauce and she was eating heartily. Chris had brought over wine and poured some more into his glass.
"Chwis.. juice." Belle pointed towards his glass. "Bellie dwink juice."
Ana laughed out loud before getting up. "Good luck, getting yourself out of this one."
"This is grown up juice, Belle. When you grow up, you can have some." Chris said softly.
Belle looked at him confused then back at Ana. "Mamaaaa, Bellie juice." she whined.
Ana pursed her lips. "Bellie, Daddy's right. How about I give you some orange juice. It's better than what he's drinking. See even Mama isn't drinking it. I don't like it." She made a face and scrunched up her nose. "I'll drink orange juice with you."
"Owan juice?"
"Yeah." She smiled and took out the bottle from the fridge to pour it in a new sippy cup.
After being handed the sippy cup with her beverage, she looked at Chwis and made a face. "Bellie owan juice."
"Can I have some?" Chris teased, thinking she'd say no.
She held up her sippy cup. "Chwis owan juice. Bellie share."
"Damn, she just schooled you. Hashtag guilt trip." Ana laughed.
He leaned down and kissed her cheek that was still miraculously safe from the pasta sauce invasion. "Thank you Belle but you drink it."
"Chwis, sweepy time." Belle called out to him.
He chuckled and took off his shoes. "Yes ma'am."
Ana moved towards the middle of the bed, still sitting up and holding Belle against her chest, while she rubbed her back.
"Why don't you lie down?"
"Cause i'll fall asleep. I told you, I love nap time." Ana giggled. Chris smiled and kissed her nose.
"Can I try putting her to sleep?" He asked tentatively.
"Yeah, sure." She beamed back at him.
"Belle, want me to help you sleep?" Chris held his hands out. Belle grinned and immediately climbed out of Ana's lap and into Chris' arms.
"Is it getting better with the touch?" Ana asked softly, running a hand through his hair.
"Mamaaa inside voice." Belle turned her face and admonished her mother.
"Don't sass me bear… " Ana giggled and squeezed her button nose. Belle snickered and turned to hide her face back in the crook of Chris' neck.
"Much better." He whispered with a smile.
Holding Belle close like this helped a lot, each time he held her, he got one step closer to his goal to be able to not be afraid of her wandering bear paws. Ana had been subtly reminding her with hand signals to keep her hands either around Chris' neck or closer to her own chest and he appreciated that gesture a great deal.
Soon, he would be able to play with her and pick her up with no fear. He could see the light at the end of that tunnel already.
He continued to rub her back. 10 minutes later, Belle had fallen asleep and he could hear her baby snores. The sound made him smile.
After tucking their little bear into bed they tiptoed out of the room to head down. Before reaching the stairs, Chris pulled Ana for a kiss and held her tight, trying to communicate how much he loved her and in a way pleading her to not write him off after the discussion they were about to have. When he pulled back they were both out of breath.
"What was that for?" Ana asked, trying to recover her bearings.
"Nothing… I—" he gulped. "Thank you for letting me be part of her life." His voice was raw with emotion and his eyes gave him away.
"What's wrong Chris?" Ana put her hand on his cheek.
He shook his head and gave a tight smile. "Let's go, there's a lot to talk about."
Ana nodded and felt the knots form in her stomach again. She honestly didn't know what to expect. The way he was acting had her on edge.
They headed into her office and sat on the couch. Ana poured herself a glass of wine. At first she thought she wouldn't drink but decided to indulge to keep a little calm. Alice wasn't around so there was no time limit. She had gone to Jose's for the night, wishing her Boss luck and hopefully a trip to Wonderland, much to Ana's protest.
"I thought you didn't like the juice." Chris smirked.
"Parenting 101 relies heavily on improv 101 and being crafty." She laughed. "No, it's more like I know how she is. She's always interested in what others are doing so I don't drink in front of her, that way I can be like see, i'm not drinking it, how about you and I drink this amazing water." she laughed some more. "The same goes with when I want her to try something new to eat. I never try to outwardly trick her, I just start eating it myself and sure enough she gets curious and wants to eat it too just because I'm eating it. That way she thinks she's doing something grown up too."
Chris smiled. "I shall keep that in mind, Miss Steele."
"Alice, poor thing, has to drink her wine in a cup." Ana laughed. "But she's smart, she always wants to know what Awice is dwinking."
"She's smart. I didn't realize kids could be this advanced… I mean, that last kid I was really that close to was Mia and I still don't really remember the finer details of that and I only started spending with Ava a year and half ago."
"It depends, I think. Her pediatrician says she's advanced for her age, especially with her speech. I haven't really grown up around babies at all so this is all new to me as well but I stopped with the baby talk when she turned 1, I still do it here and there cause I can't help it but I'm always talking to her and explaining things. Even when I go to the post office, I explain every step to her, when the groceries come in, I show them to her and now she remembers things like pasta, avocado, tomato… little things. Alice and Jose do the same."
Chris silently nodded with a tight smile. What could he teach her?
"It can seem overwhelming but after a while it will become second nature, she likes talking and being part of the process. I'm sure if you started with all your CEO jargon and taught her how to read quarterly reports she'd be screaming down the boardroom by age 5 at GEH." Ana giggled.
"Wouldn't that be a sight to see?" Chris laughed. "I guess when she's a bit more comfortable with me I can share some things with her too. Though, I don't think I've ever been to the post office to mail something."
"The life of the 1%?" Ana teased.
Chris chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm sure at this point Belle could teach me a few things."
"She kinda already did with the sharing bit." Ana laughed. "I can't wait for her to make you cry. It's going to be amazing. Christian Grey, brought to tears by a two year old tyrant." She continued on giggling.
"Kate said the same. She told me many a two year old have brought CEO's to their knees."
"Yep, say your prayers. It's game over for you soon." Ana sassed before taking a sip of her wine.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Chris cleared his throat and began to tell her everything about his start with BDSM. His beginning with Elena, the way she sought to straighten him out and how it made him even more of a recluse. What Grace walked in on that day. The confrontation that night that led him to Alphabet City and ultimately beat up in that alley. How after he thought she died, he went into depression and through extensive therapy realized finally that he was raped and abused. That his abuser had convinced him that his family wouldn't love him if they knew, reinforcing that he was different and broken that fed into his self-loathing all under the guise of being a Master of the Universe.
All that he and his father did to put Elena Lincoln behind bars. How he was practicing the lifestyle wrong all these years. How he sought to punish his birth mother, harboring this hatred against her and only recently came to forgive her. Why his sexual experience with Ana was life changing because he'd never had vanilla sex before or experienced true intimacy with a partner. How sex was the only way he could channel his emotions, which were always a nefarious balance between anger and frustration; he simply suppressed any other emotions because Elena had taught him that love is for fools.
Ana remained silent, staring at the knotted fingers in her lap. She was sitting with her legs tucked underneath her as she faced him, not making eye contact. She sipped on her wine here and there, not saying a word but felt the blood drain from her face little by little. She tried to keep her breathing steady but what he was telling her was something she did not expect at all. A lump remained in her throat, and she went from teary eyed to angry back to teary eyed.
When he finally got done, he took a big gulp of wine and a deep breath before looking back at Ana who was still sitting with her head bowed, silent as a mouse.
"Please say something." He pleaded.
Ana opened her mouth and then closed it immediately. She turned her body slightly to face away and look straight at the shelves across from her that had a variety of books, pictures and trinkets displayed and began to rub her forehead as she tried to form a coherent thought.
"I have more questions… I mean.. I just—" She paused, shaking her head.
"Ask me anything and I'll answer." He blurted out. Every fiber of his being was on high alert and his heart was racing. He felt his own palms begin to sweat a little. This was more nerve racking than he had anticipated.
She looked back at him and saw the apprehension on his face. He looked like a little boy almost. It was how Belle looked sometimes when she was scared. She wanted to reach across and hug him but there was still so much she didn't understand and if she did reach out then this would turn into something else in distraction and again this would drag on. This conversation or the bulk of it had to start and end tonight.
"Your mother is a pediatrician, she's trained to notice the signs, I mean for god's sake they run a charity for this stuff... how did they both not pick up on what was happening to you?" She began. "I mean, I know what I was up against— my social workers barely ever visited and were overworked, underfunded and I put up a convincing enough front out of fear but your parents... you sat at their dinner table every night for at least three years before you left for college. HOW did they not notice? HOW did they not see you had no friends and were in physical pain and so withdrawn? WHAT was their excuse?"
His lips pressed into a thin line. He never blamed his parents outright. He secretly still harbored most of the guilt and blame. "Just like you I put up a convincing front. I lied and I was good at it. They were just so happy I was doing well in school and not being a problem child that they didn't question it." He mumbled. "Look, we've been over that in therapy and they feel enough guilt already. Mistakes were made on both sides and we've crossed that threshold."
"NO, this is all on them. You were a child. I mean for fuck's sake a grown ass, married woman was your ONLY friend? How did they not think that was weird or alarming? How was she the only person they turned to help get through to you and then never questioned how close you seemed to be?" Ana glared at him but then looked away in frustration.
"I'm not trying to pit you against your parents again. You seem to be in a good place with your mom, I can see she really loves you and I know that things are strained with your dad because of me but truthfully I can't resolve some of this. Even more so now that I have my own child and I know that your family wants to spend time with her and spoil her but.. I don't trust easily when it comes to Belle. I just… can't. The idea of leaving her alone, I can't... Even though I trust Jose and Alice with our lives, I do my absolute best to be fully responsible for Belle at all times. I really try." She was finding it hard to actually spell out that she couldn't trust his mother given his recent revelation. His dad was completely out of the picture, Ana would probably never trust him for as long as he lived but still, his mom's kindness and acceptance made her feel a little guilty about her current thought process.
Chris wondered, who could he trust with Belle's life in his own family? He trusted his mother and put her on a pedestal. He knew how broken she was at the realization of her own negligence. The countless apologies she had made, begging him for forgiveness even though Chris never held her responsible but now, hearing Ana's point of view… it gave him a slight pause. His mother had already expressed her desire to babysit and get to know her granddaughter a little better but that scenario did not fit in Ana's way of doing things.
He trusted his siblings, Mia in particular, just as Elliot and Kate trusted her with Ava. She was her godmother and had been closely involved with her since she was born. Just like Jose and Alice were for Belle.
"I'm just— you know, all this time, I've been wondering that if I have had an ounce of the love that the Greys' gave you... my life would've been so different. I wish you would have accepted the love they gave you. I really wish you could've allowed yourself to accept that. You had the safety and stability long before that bitch got her claws into you. I mean, I was a child, younger than you and I knew whatever was happening to me was wrong but I learned early on that I couldn't trust the adults so I was trapped but you weren't you were free Chris. In comparison, you had all these people who loved you and accepted you. They chose you. Mia adores you, she thinks the world of you… and now so does Ava." She said thickly. If only anyone had chosen her all those years ago, to be more than just a paycheck, she'd wondered over the years.
"I didn't think I was good enough." He said quietly.
"And you let those feelings rule you to this day."
Chris didn't respond but hung his head.
It wasn't a question. It was a statement that rang true because she too did the same. Morton's voice lived on in her head but when it came to Belle, everything went on mute. There was no room for her self-loathing, she had to be her mother. Belle's mother had to be a different woman, a stronger woman.
"So you were coming to Bar Luxe that night?" She asked.
He nodded. "But I stopped two blocks short of it. I went to the bar behind your building."
"Why didn't you go?"
"Because I realized the cycle wouldn't ever end. My life was empty and going to the club would've just been a temporary fix that wouldn't solve anything. I was suddenly so tired of being myself." He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again and reaching for his wine glass. More liquid courage.
"Anabelle had been trying to get a job at the restaurant part of that club. I wonder if she knew what it really was. She probably did… she always told me the PG version of things." Ana laughed humorlessly as tears filled her eyes.
The memory of her came to mind, how she was dressed in a LBD that she had thrifted from a store in Chelsea and gotten her hair done with money that they couldn't afford to spend but did so anyway. She looked like a knockout and her confidence only made her more beautiful.
"You never knew what it was?"
"Not until Lillian cornered me at Asiate that day. I just thought it was a fancy place for rich people. I guess it really was. Anabelle told me her bartender friend got insane tips so he tried to get her a job there but they kept rejecting her. A few hours before we met, she had her third interview there... and then she died the next afternoon." There was an unbearable sadness in her voice as the heartache of all those memories came flooding back.
"I saw her that morning I think." He murmured.
She scoffed and shook her head at the memory. "Yeah it was her. She saw you too and woke me up as soon as she came in, then convinced me that you probably just went to get some breakfast but I knew better." I knew better but I put on a brave face for Namesharer.
"Ana— baby, I..." but he stopped when he saw Ana shaking her head before she looked him dead in the eye.
"Your self-loathing is why you left, isn't it?"
"Partly, yes. But you also looked young and I panicked and..." he trailed, looking away in shame.
For some reason it pissed Ana off because it seemed like a weak excuse all over again so she interrupted him before he opened his mouth to speak again.
"You know what, fine. I looked too young, you thought I was dead and all that shit. I'll let it go. You're off the hook for the two years that followed." She snapped. "But explain this... for the two weeks that I was alive in your mind, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT?" She raised her voice and he flinched. "TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH CHRIS. Because it sure as hell wasn't about your face healing. Don't you DARE feed me that bullshit."
"I was trying to forget you and convince myself that it would be a bad idea because I had too many issues." He murmured.
"So why did you come back? Was I suddenly of age? Had you suddenly resolved all your issues?" She spit out sarcastically.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you." He mumbled. "And, I thought we could work it out that I could be better."
"So, you thought you had sex with an underage girl and left her. Even if you couldn't come by yourself, you could've at least sent Taylor or Sawyer or heck even Gail to see if I was okay. I mean... you had my description, my name and where I lived and worked. Is this how you treat people who take care of you and are kind of you? You just treat them like yesterday's trash? You claim that our time together meant so much. So much that it took you two weeks to get your shit together to come and talk to me."
"No, of course not.. I..."
"You what? Tell me Chris, what?" She snapped at him again, almost out of breath in anger. "You could've died if I didn't see you there that night. Someone could have hurt you even more or killed you. You didn't even say a thank you. You fucked me. You used me. You got what you wanted and you left. Do you know how fucking worthless I felt?"
He looked down, eyes burning with tears. Words from her speech last night came back to him, I belonged and mattered to no one.
"Do you see what your self-loathing cost you? What it cost me? What it cost Belle and Spencer?" She was staring directly at him as tears fell with abandon. "I know keeping the girls was my choice and I'm solely responsible for the consequences for it but you know what I fear now... that if this is how you treat people who are kind to you, are these your values, what assurances do I have that should I do something that you don't like or I go against you that you won't unleash hell on me? From everything that I have heard and learned today, it does not inspire confidence in me Chris. It makes me question your value system."
"I told you." He snapped but his voice was heavy with emotion. "I would never hurt you that way. You can trust me."
"Those are some pretty words Chris, just like your letters but without action, that's all they are, just some pretty words. I don't know you, I may love you but I don't know you and what I've seen and heard so far, it gives me pause. You have this capacity for anger inside of you - i can tell... and I have suffered enough abuse and felt worthless enough in my life to deal with another manifestation of it."
"I'm a different man, Ana and I promise that I will do whatever it takes to prove that to you. To you both."
"You need to prove to Belle that you can be a father and a reliable parent. You have decisions to make because you can't be a part-time parent to her. I know that I said all of this will be gradual but at some point when Belle is comfortable enough with you, she will have to come first in your life. Not GEH, not some other random issue, Belle – because that is what a parent does. You need to be able to make split second decisions with her welfare in mind; even if it means your company takes a hit. Is that something you can do? Because that is the level of sacrifice that parenthood requires. You need to be able to take care of her yourself and not have staff look over her." She wasn't going to sugar coat parenthood for him. He had to be ready to jump in the trenches if need be.
"Her world is small and her heart is big. She has a lot of love to give which means she can easily get hurt so you really need to think about this and have a system in place that should she need you, you are there for her. That you can drop everything and be a full time parent because frankly speaking, after what you just told me, I am deathly afraid of ever leaving her alone with anyone and I know that I can't keep with me always. I can't always protect her." She choked out the last words realizing her own limitations and fears because after a while, parents had to let their kids go and learn to live without them a little.
"I can do it, I told you, I'm willing to put the work in and raise her with you. I'll take off from GEH and spend every minute with her if I have to and I would never let anything happen to her." He believed what he was saying but then a small voice at the back of his mind began to weave in doubt. Who could he really trust Belle with in a pinch?
"Parenthood isn't just about 'have to' Chris, it's also about wanting to. You should also want to do it, not just because this is new or that you're trying to prove a point... I mean this requires completely altering your way of life. There are so many things that I want to do but can't because she comes first and finding the balance is hard."
Chris tried to move closer but Ana stopped him saying that they needed to keep some distance. Truth is, she wanted his arms wrapped around him but she couldn't think straight when he was close like that and she needed to maintain her train of thought.
After a few moments, Ana spoke again. "This lifestyle stuff, you say you're over it but... listen, I can't give you any of that. I have no experience, I mean.. before you I had sex three times and..." She shook her head. "In many ways, I considered you my first because..." She looked up and began to cry and then covered her face in embarrassment. She felt so inadequate again. "I'm so pathetic. I fell in love with a guy who was the only good sexual experience I had. That would make for such a hilarious youtube video." She laughed sarcastically wiping her tears in frustration.
"Please, Ana. Don't say that. It meant a lot to me as well." His voice was gentle, trying to reassure her.
Ana didn't respond but rolled her eyes. Words, they were just empty words.
"You say you're not in the lifestyle so was Lillian lying when she gave me a play by play about her sex life with you?" Just the thought of them together made her skin crawl. The way she attempted to use their sex life to throw in Ana's face to scare her into… submission.
Chris closed his eyes and swallowed. Fucking Lillian. The bitch was still a thorn in his side. This reminded him he needed to follow up with Welch on any updates.
"She was never my sub. My sex life with her was sporadic. I didn't trust her in that way and after you; I just couldn't see myself even trying with anyone else. She consented to everything. I told her that I could only have sex with her if she was restrained and she consented to it every time. So yes, there was an element of kink but it was just sex - to satisfy a need once every few weeks. I didn't love her or want to maintain any emotional connection with her outside of the arrangement we had agreed to.
What I had and have with you, is... I've never had that with anyone. I have never talked to or trusted anyone the way I trust you when we're close. No woman has ever touched me the way you do. Every waking moment for two years and half years, I thought of you and missed your touch."
His voice wavered towards the end of his declaration as he started straight at Ana in profile. Her face was red and puffy, expression tense from the nature of their conversation
Ana could hear the sincerity in his words and found herself relenting as exhaustion swept over her from feeling the extreme emotions of everything.
"If you didn't trust her then why marry her? You were going to spend the rest of your life with a woman for what? Is that how you really wanted to live your life?"
"Everyone kept looking at me as the broken child and even in the business world, after a while the eligible bachelor angle gets old and boring. They want to see stability in your personal life. Networking and going to events was a pain in the ass and she could pick up where I couldn't be bothered. It made my parents so happy to see that I was trying to move on and be normal. I wanted to make them happy. I wanted to make everyone happy."
"They're your family. They would've understood had you been honest with them." Ana muttered. "You keep saying you guys went to therapy yet you lied to them again… so what did you really learn?" Her face was red and tense with emotion. God, why can't you see how fucking lucky you are to have people who love you unconditionally?
Closing his eyes he ran his hands through his hair. Grace' words came back to him. Maybe he should've been upfront. He could've saved everyone the headache and… heartache.His family wouldn't be divided. His parents would still be together. Maybe if Ana had come into their life, the transition would've been smoother. So many what ifs?
"All this lifestyle and sub stuff happened in a room right? Dungeon or something?" She gave him a pointed look. "If that room is still in your apartment then I'm not comfortable having my daughter walking around in the residual energy of all that." Ana shuddered a little. Truth is she didn't want to step foot in that apartment herself. God knows what really happened and she didn't want to deal with the philosophical arguments either. She had enough shit to deal with on her own in addition to raising her child.
Chris nodded. "If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn't want my child to be surrounded by the ghosts of my past either. I moved into this apartment a year and half ago. I left all that stuff behind. Lillian, if she ever stayed over which again was rare, had a guest room. I've had all that redone."
It was true, he had her room redone while they were in the Maldives. A part of him wanted to almost move apartments again. He had already been looking at real estate listings in Long Island for large private homes to accommodate all their needs. Another thing he would have to discuss with her eventually, should they be able to move forward.
Ana nodded in agreement before she snorted at the next thought that entered her mind. "Imagine if we had met after you'd married her."
"I would've divorced her immediately." He said without a doubt.
Ana rolled her eyes. "As if she would've let you go without a fight and half of everything you own."
"She was going to sign a prenup and you're right, she would've had a price but if she had pulled that shit she tried with the pregnancy, I wouldn't have to pay her a single cent." He smirked.
Ana tried not to smile but a giggle escaped her and she began to laugh almost deliriously.
Chris leaned in and pulled her close as she continued to laugh, wrapping his arms around her body as she climbed into his lap and began to cry.
"Are we bad people? Why have they all been so horrible to us?" She asked brokenly as tears fell.
"I don't know." He replied with a heavy voice. "But we're here, together now. We don't need anyone else."
They sat for a while in each other's embrace, breathing in each other's scent and feeling the safety of the warmth between them.
"What I have with you is more. I don't want all that I had before." He whispered.
"I feel like you have these expectations of me that I can't fulfill… " She sniffed and held him tighter. Please don't leave me again.
He pulled back and cradled her face. "I don't have expectations of you, I just want a chance to be the man you deserve. I want to be better and be with you."
"Even though I'm such a mess?" She choked out.
"You're not a mess. Not to me you're not." He smiled and kissed her softly. "Why do you always smell like vanilla?" Genuine curiosity took over.
Ana wiped her tears and smiled a little. "It reminds me of my mom. I have this memory of her making cake and smelling vanilla. Though, I do think it's quite the pejorative term for sex."
Chris laughed. "I don't think it is, in fact, I think it's vastly underrated and it's been my favorite flavor for that past two years, except now I get to sample it whenever I want." He planted a small kiss on her neck making her giggle.
"Greedy."
"Guilty." He smiled.
"How do you know you feel this way when you haven't been like this with anyone else? You never gave anyone a chance."
"It wasn't only about the sex with you, it was… everything else. You didn't try to take advantage of me. I felt safe with you. It didn't burn when you touched me. I felt normal when I believed I could never be." He murmured. "Even now, you do all these little things to make room for me and not push me… and… I.. I really appreciate it."
His voice was hoarse from the confession. There were nights that he had spent, dreaming of having the chance to tell her what she meant to him, how much she'd helped.
Ana nodded, accepting his answer the best she could before resting her face back in the crook of his neck for a while, relaxing and trying to unwind from the day. Jet lag was catching up to her and she felt her body slowly shutting down.
"Ana." Chris called out.
"Hmm." she responded a little sleepily before lifting her head to face him.
"Why did Anabelle run away? What was the plan you had to stick with?" It had only been a few days since their conversation where she drunk dialed him from the Maldives and he was dying to know what she meant.
Ana tensed and tried to move from his lap but he stopped her.
"Don't." He held her tight. "Tell me."
Ana's eyes remained fixed on his shirt, idly counting the buttons, her head swimming in and out of the moment. She didn't want to revisit that time and hated the fact that her drunk mind had even said anything at all that night. She had hoped he would glaze over that little confession of hers. Any time she had to dive deeper into her time in foster care it would be physically and emotionally taxing on her, which is why she had picked only a few details and only discussed those if she was ever interviewed about it.
"Tell me Ana. You can tell me anything." He said softly.
"It's not…" She swallowed and began to tremble slightly.
"Hey…" Chris pulled her in for a hug and rubbed her back. "You're safe now."
Ana pulled back and nodded, moving to sit on the couch close to him. He pulled her legs over his thighs and held hands to remind her she wasn't alone anymore.
"My last foster home, I was with a couple named Stephen and Carla Morton, except they were only married on paper. It was an arrangement to become foster parents and well, I was placed with them when I was 10 years old. He never touched me that way, I mean… the two houses before, there had been some instances of the foster dad's touching me inappropriately and hitting me but I wasn't raped or anything. Stephen never molested me but he was physically and emotionally abusive on small things. Carla didn't live in the house with us, she lived with her boyfriend in the neighborhood. Stephen wanted the house clean and dark all the time. He spent most of his money drinking or gambling. He would always tell me I would never amount to anything or that I was just a hole to fill."
Ana took a deep breath and her lips pressed into a thin line before continuing. "Anyway, living with him was still better than the first two houses I was in. I was the only kid so it was quieter and I could read as much as I wanted to after my chores. I was just his servant in a way. He didn't beat me with belts or other things. He was smart, he would never hit me hard enough to leave a bruise. The hunger was the more extreme version of abuse. I mean, I was already used to eating less anyway, but with him it would sometimes be brutal. Anabelle was placed with us when I was 13. It was her first foster home, she had just entered the system.
She was so full of life and so healthy. Everything about her was beautiful. She had this energy about her. She knew it on the first day that Stephen was a prick and would try to convince me that we should tell someone but I was too scared because I was afraid I'd get raped if I went somewhere else and that I'd be separated from her so she stayed. She would always try to fight him when he was abusive towards me so he would rape her. He said he had a thing for blondes and on days when he felt exceptionally cruel he would… " Ana stopped and ground her teeth to keep the bile from rising.
"What did he do?" Chris asked. He tried to remain calm but his voice betrayed him. Taylor had told him that Stephen and Carla Morton were on the top of Ana's proscribed list when Prescott briefed him on the threats that Ana and Belle faced.
"He would make me watch." Ana said flatly. She was now numb as she closed the eyes at the memory. "He knew how much I loved her so it was another form of torture. I tried telling her to leave and that I would be fine but she still stayed. She hated following the rules while I always fell in line. I would beg her to not stand up to him but…" She stopped. She didn't want to talk about it anymore.
"You know, she had this way about her, she could convince you the sky was pink instead of blue. Her head was full of ideas, she roped me in to start doing homework for some people and we'd make a little money. We'd be able to make $30 or a week which wasn't much but it was enough for us to sneak in snacks and buy a loaf of bread with peanut butter and jelly to hide under our beds and late at night we'd sneak in a snack on days we were being punished. We had learned to budget our money and maximize everything especially during the summer months."
Ana paused for a few more moments before speaking again.
"When she turned 15 she began to plan for emancipation. We'd been saving the money we would make too. It wasn't much, just a little over a thousand dollars. I was still a few months younger than her so the plan was that we would end up having a fight 6 months prior to her birthday and we'd act like we hated each other which Stephan used against me as well, telling me that I wasn't good enough and shit. In the meantime, Anabelle lied to Stephen telling him that she had gotten on the volleyball team and they had practice everyday till 6pm. He didn't care, his main concern was with me. That I'd be home to clean and cook. Anabelle was just another paycheck. In reality Anabelle was babysitting and making money from one of the teachers. She'd pick up their kids from elementary school and watch them until 6pm. I'd help her with her homework so she maintained good grades. Then she convinced her case worker that she was ready for emancipation, she had a job lined up at the bakery through a friend of a friend. She was so social and had some many friends, she could pull favors like nobody's business. So she left."
Ana began to cry., remembering her last day with Anabelle. Promises made to stay strong and that Anabelle would make sure to have a system in place for to come into once she was 16.
"The plan was that she would make as much money as she could and help me with my emancipation process and we could live together. Stephen hated that she left so without the added income he put me to work. One of his friends at a restaurant nearby, gave me a job and would give my paycheck and tips directly to Stephen at the end of the week. Then 2 weeks before my 16th birthday, Stephan had become very erratic and jumpy. He was pissed all the time and one night right after dinner there was a banging on the door and he ordered me to hide.
Two men had come by to threaten him because he owed almost $30,000 in gambling debt and he had a week to pay up or else. Then a few days later, a friend of his came by, I'd never seen him before but it was late at night and it was the first time I'd heard Stephen scared shitless. He was freaking out and that friend had suggested selling me to the highest bidder to pay off his gambling debt."
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Chris exclaimed.
Ana nodded. "His friend said he knew this woman who would pay top dollar for a virgin who looked like me and would train me, would even take over any necessary paperwork if need be because she had clients who liked younger girls. "
"Did you get a name?"
"Yeah, something Miss Truss or Trust. I was listening from the top floor so I could be wrong."
Chris' jaw dropped to the floor. "Miss Trust?"
Ana looked at him and clocked the recognition on his face. "You know of her?"
Chris looked away trying to calm his breathing. "Elena's Domme name was Miss Trust." If Elena had gotten her claws into Ana, she would've eventually ended up in his playroom after being viciously trained by her. He shuddered at the thought. When he looked back at her, she was staring at him.
"She provided you with subs. All pale, petite, brunette… and I look like them, right? Like all of them? I look like your mother?" She looked heartbroken as she repeated all that he told her before.
Chris didn't respond at first. "Ana, please don't think like that…. How we met was by coincidence."
Ana looked away. As fresh tears fell. It didn't make her feel any better to know that she just fit a mold or that she potentially reminded someone who he had hated for most of his life. Her breathing grew labored and she tried to move but he stopped her and shook his head, unable to voice that he needed her close now more than ever.
The silence stretched out them and Ana's body went limp in exhaustion. Her head began to pound now. Then she realized she needed to continue sharing her story which she did with a shaky voice.
"The next day, I told Anabelle at school and she basically told me that I needed to run away, that she would arrange for me to stay with a friend till I turned 16 and we could convince my social worker to help me get emancipated. When I went home that night, Stephen had gotten me a dress and shoes, telling me that he was going to take me out to celebrate my birthday over the weekend. It was expensive, at least it looked like it. I didn't know much about that stuff so yeah. That night, I packed up my essentials in my bookbag and never came back home after school the next day.
One of Anabelle's guy's friends let me stay at his place with his mom and sister for the two weeks that followed. Stephen filed a police report and led them straight to Anabelle who lied like the smooth operator she was. I also missed school for those two weeks and the day I turned 16, I met with my social worker and begged her to help me get emancipated. I told her I was scared because random people were coming by his place threatening him. They looked at my grades which were good and Anabelle had gotten me a job at the bakery too, I baked a cake as an audition and they liked it… I mean it all worked out eventually but it was hard. And then, I was still scared that Stephen would figure out where I was so I lost my virginity on purpose. I didn't want to but I was so scared so yeah… this guy Billy who was Anabelle's friend helped me out. He was nice but..." Ana shook her head.
"It wasn't great for me and then when I tried again over the years… it just never.. You know… It wasn't a real priority. Anabelle was so good at everything. Everyone loved her, guys worshipped her and she could make $1 into $100 like it was nobody's business but she was also impulsive and bad with money. She was in the moment kind of girl and so she'd always end up spending it. Any good memories I have with her are because she would convince me to try new things otherwise I'd just work or stay home reading or studying. She wanted to get a job at Bar Luxe so we could finally save up enough to start our catering business and then we'd make it big, she'd be the face of it and we'd buy a house in brooklyn heights, meet really nice guys who would love us and we'd have babies and be happy…. And now I have all of this without her and it feels so wrong. I was a heavy weight on her. If only I was brave enough, we could've done so much better... We wouldn't have still been struggling." She began to sob and Chris pulled her in for another hug.
"It's not your fault baby." He kissed her temple. "None of this is your fault."
"It is. If I had been strong enough, she wouldn't have gotten raped by Stephen. She could've left and not stay to take care of me. She deserves all of this, not me." She sobbed.
She had been holding on to all this guilt for years. Cursing herself for not being strong enough and always staying in the shadows.
"What about her accident?"
Ana wiped her face and shrugged. "The police report said that she just ran into oncoming traffic according to an eyewitness, as if she was running from someone but that doesn't make sense. She was loved by everyone… I had Prescott look into it more once I hired her and she said that the car that hit her was reported stolen and found parked in the Bronx a week later. It was just an unfortunate situation. It happened when she would've been on break from her shift at the diner she worked at."
"Ana are you sure she wasn't into anything?" Chris asked, treading carefully.
"No, she wasn't." Ana glared at him. "I may not have been as worldly as her but she was a good person and she would never put us in danger like that. We had a plan for our lives, it was just taking a little long for us to build ourselves from the ground."
They didn't say much after that. He tried to get her to come up to the room with him but she declined saying she had some more work to do. Chris reluctantly left and changed before getting into bed. Belle was lying on her stomach, arms spread out like a starfish and her face buried under her curls. He smiled and brushed them away with his finger while tracing a circle on her chubby cheek. Belle suddenly moved, rubbed her nose and began to whimper mama.
He rubbed her back slowly to settle her like Ana would but she started to sleepily move towards him and immediately crawled into his chest, like a little kitten. Chris tensed and panic coursed through his body, waiting for the pain to come but nothing happened. The all consuming darkness never came and his heartbeat slowly came down. He held her close and continued to rub her back and kiss her hair. She smelled of lavender and vanilla. Her tiny hands were like little soft pillows, along with her tiny feet. He couldn't stop himself from caressing them in wonder. They had created this little wonder.
Having his tiny bear lying on top of him, he smiled at the development and the feeling of peace it brought, however it was short lived when he thought of all he had missed. The skin to skin contact with Belle and Spencer when they were born, helping with Belle at night when she cried, the guilt of his absence began to suffocate him again. A while later, he put Belle down on the bed next to him and continued to watch her sleep, wondering what she dreamed about when she talked in her sleep.
Ana remained in her office, she tried to edit some footage and create content for her instagram and a new video for her youtube channel but after 45 mins of tinkering around she gave up and instead sat in complete darkness trying to rationally think about everything they had talked about earlier.
It was hard to keep the emotion out of it and so she broke down and cried her eyes out. A small part of her thought that finally, Belle will have people who will genuinely love her. She will have a family, a bigger safety net, in case something ever happened to Ana herself but with these recent revelations, it didn't inspire any confidence. The idea of Belle having a grandmother was something she looked forward to. Especially seeing Grace dote on Belle when they went to visit, she loved every second of watching Grace smiling at Belle and carrying her around, kissing her and pinching her chubby cheeks. Ana wished that her own mother and father were alive to experience all this. Grace welcomed them both with open arms and kindness and she wanted to believe in the intention behind it but was it just Grace trying to make up for her failures with Chris?
It also made her question Chris' ability to make decisions. He was so emotionally cavalier with his own life. She really did want to believe him when he said that Ana and Belle could trust him but there was just a lot of carelessness both on his parent's part and then on his own when it came to Lillian. This was all new to him and it would take a really long time for her to be comfortable with all this.
He was abused while living in privilege and she was abused by the system and strangers. It brought her irrational fears to the surface again. She couldn't logistically be around Belle all the time and the world was a scary place. The only people she trusted Belle alone with were Alice and Jose. Could she leave Belle alone with Chris… ever? He was her father, it shouldn't be this hard to want to trust your child's father but here she was.
Grabbing his phone Chris checked the time and saw that it was after 1am. It had been close to three hours since he had come up and Ana still hadn't come to sleep. He told himself he'd wait 10 more minutes before he went down to get her but then the door opened and he saw Ana walk in and head straight to the master bath. She walked out a few minutes later, changed into her pajamas and went straight to the other side of the bed and got in.
She was too exhausted with feeling a low coming on to notice anything around her as she got into bed and closed her eyes, praying for sleep. I need my mind to shut off completely, just for a few hours. No dreams, no nightmares... just darkness.
Chris lay there watching as she tried her best not to cry but her breathing gave her away. He wanted to comfort her but there wasn't anything he could say. Still, he got up, making sure to barricade Belle with a pillow and walked over to her side.
"Hey." he whispered, caressing her cheek. When she opened her eyes they were filled with tears but she made room for him to get in and hold her close. She began to sob for them both and what they had lost over the years. So much life, potential and love… all lost and now she didn't know how to move forward. She shouldn't have to fear him or his family.
Holding her close, he remembered Elliot once telling him about the post partum Kate experienced after Ava was born. Chris at the time didn't say much but silently wondered why the hell people would have children if it was such a hassle and now here he was, wondering how many times Ana went to bed like this in loneliness, during her pregnancy and after Spencer had died.
"Talk to me." He whispered. That's another thing he remembered him Elliot telling him about. He always encouraged Kate to talk to him.
Ana shuddered and shook her head. She would be fine eventually, she'd been dealing with this for two and half years, what was one more night?
"I'm fine, Chris." She tried to turn away from him but he stopped her.
"No, talk to me." He said firmly.
"I told you I'll be fine. This won't be the first time I've gone to sleep crying."
"But this time you won't be alone. Tell me." I'm never leaving you.
"I feel like I'm having a low and I can't take my medication because I had alcohol and I'm still tired from the trip and everything. I need to go to sleep so I can take care of Belle tomorrow. Alice isn't here to be a buffer in the morning. Please let me be." She spoke through clenched teeth.
Leaning in he hugged her again, holding her tight and began to pepper kisses on her face. "I'll be here in the morning."
"You promise?" She asked in spite of herself. She never wanted to ask this question of him again but her vulnerability had her needing otherwise.
"I promise baby, I'll never leave you again.." He gave her a searing kiss before breaking away to rub her back to calm her. "I love you."
Ana slowly closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
A/N: Sigh, that was a lot happened wasn't it? A little more of Ana's past was revealed with Anabelle and her accident. Also, not to mention Miss Trust.
Thoughts about Christian's motivations in those two weeks? Ana asking him if he'd be willing to give up GEH to be a full time dad to Belle? Her comments on Grace and in general CG's self loathing being a detriment to the people he loved and himself? So much to unpack.
Eager to hear your thoughts in the reviews :)
We've also had some very in-depth conversations about the characters motivations on the facebook group 'Nadia's Playroom' when I shared sneak peeks from this chapter. Hope to see you there if you haven't joined already.
Wildest Moments - Jessie Ware
Chapter 34 will be some good ol' girl talk with Tamika, Deepi, Alice and Jose. Who's ready for some laughs?