The day had only just started, and already Guild Gal knew it was going to be a great one. She was feeling spry after a good night's sleep, and so she decided to have her morning cup of brew outside.
Sure enough, the weather dawned fair, the sun a big lazy blob of gold, and bells were ringing, like someone was having a wedding. Guild Gal looked up and down the street contentedly as people went about their business. She took a long, satisfied sip of coffee.
Right then Goblin Slayer rode by on a white horse with High Elf Archer behind him wearing half a wedding dress. "Hi!" the Elf proclaimed as they sped past.
Guild Gal spewed out her coffee.
Coughing and sputtering, she turned and raced over to where Spearman was chatting with his partner Sorceress. The handsome Adventurer blinked as the Guild employee leapt upon his back, snatched the spear from his hand and dug her heels into his sides. "YAH!" she proclaimed.
With no further need for explanation, he took off after the galloping horse.
"YAH, MULE!" Guild Gal swatted his flanks with the butt of the spear, urging him to even greater speeds. "YAH, I SAY!" The pair of them chased the departing newlyweds towards the sunrise.
"Hey. You awake?"
Guild Gal came alert with head cradled in her arms. She stood up from the counter swiftly, looking around to assure herself this was reality. Nope, not a wedding party in sight. Thank goodness.
Relieved, the bouncy young woman turned to her colleague Guild Inspector, who had roused her from that disturbing nap. "Sorry," she demurred, arranging her dress to make sure she was presentable. "Things have been slow today, I must have dozed off. Everything alright?"
The expression on her friend's face made it clear that was not the case. "I think you need to check out the training center," Inspector said with a worried frown. "We've been getting some… complaints."
Uh-oh.
Guild Gal quickly hied herself off to the large building next door. On her suggestion, the Adventurer's Guild had approved the setup of a facility specifically to train newbie Adventurers, as a means of hopefully cutting down the abysmal mortality rate for Porcelain-ranked newcomers. It had seemed like a good idea on its face. Not only that, several Silver-ranks had agreed to host the first few classes. They were all at the top of their games and well-known in the profession. Who could ask for better instructors to show aspiring Adventurers the ropes?
That had been three days ago. No word had reached her yet whether the lessons were bearing fruit. She originally intended to sit in on a lecture or two, but then business picked up and she found herself buried in paperwork up 'til now. Hence the need for a nap earlier. Of course, with this downtime, it was the perfect opportunity to head over and sneak a peak for herself. One person, at least, she could be assured of enjoying what they had to tell.
Guild Gal entered the large complex. All was quiet on the lower levels, but from the next floor where the classrooms were located, she could make out a low tumult. The ardent employee climbed the stairs and approached the first closed door from which voices could be heard. She reached out a hand to grasp the door handle, hesitated, and eased it open a crack. Wouldn't want to interrupt the lecture.
"Now let's say you've completed your quest, but the Guild informs you that your client is stiffing you on the fee."
Female Knight stood addressing the class in full armor. Several students were seated on the floor in front of her, while one young man shifted nervously to her right, as though he might run away at any moment. Poor thing; not everyone enjoyed being the center of attention.
"Now, your first inclination might be to employ a little 'forceful persuasion' to make the client pony up the dough." The fair-haired fighter wagged a disapproving finger while shaking her head. "Uh-uh. Rookie mistake."
Peering through the crack, Guild Gal smiled to herself. This was exactly what she was hoping to find.
"There's always a chance things might get out of hand and you wind up killing them," Female Knight went on to explain. "So instead, you use their children."
About to leave, the Guild employee paused. Wait, what?
Female Knight then took the hand of the kid standing beside her. "You start off by bending their little fingers backwards until they break." She gripped the kid's hand, and proceeded to do exactly that. SNAP!
"EEEYAAAAGH!" the boy screamed. He sank to his knees with a sob while their teacher continued to hold him securely by the wrist.
"See, it requires minimal effort on your part because children have soft fingers." With clear, untroubled eyes, the greedy Knight continued to address her students. "The hardest part is keeping the little buggers still, because they are a squirmy bunch, believe you me."
Guild Gal stared, too horrified to even protest.
"But what if that's still not enough? You might think a logical next step would be to chop off the kid's nose to really get your point across. But consider: they've only got one, and after that they're pretty much a pain to look at, especially the girls. Lowers their value in the eyes of most parents. So instead, you start with the ears! There's two of them, and the hair can be grown out to cover up the wound, so even if they lose one, they're still pretty viable in terms of getting married off. And that way the family can expect to get a decent dowry, like a couple of pigs or maybe even a whole cow! See, you gotta keep their financial situation in mind as well in case they ever request your services again."
Female Knight drew a dirk from her belt. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Guild Gal shut the door just in time. She hurried down the hall, while behind her an awful scream rent the air.
That one was probably just a fluke, she told herself. The rest will be much better! They have to be…
To her immense relief, the next room she chose to spy on turned out to be hosted by the very person she most eagerly wanted to chance upon while here: Goblin Slayer. The target of her affections was also speaking to a small group of men and women, his voice droning from the confines of his helmet in a way that sent shivers down her spine. Of course, the topic of his discourse came as no surprise, consisting as it did of…
"Goblins."
Goblin Slayer paced slowly in front of his class, all of whom stood stiffly at attention, never letting their eyes stray from him for a second. He moved like some slow, purposeful cat about to pounce, calmly and assuredly displaying his strength with every step. It was hypnotic. Guild Gal leaned against the doorframe with a smile.
"I have shown you how to defend yourself against an attacking goblin with many tools," he explained in his low, rumbling voice. "Today, you will learn how to dispose of goblins using only…" His hand came up. "A chicken bone."
Masterful as his commanding presence was, Guild Gal couldn't help but find this choice of weapon a little odd. Surely he had never found himself so in need of any weapon that he would resort to…?
"I have killed thirteen goblins with just such an implement this last week alone," Goblin Slayer continued patiently. "Now you will learn how useful it can be. Who among you would like to play the goblin?"
No one moved.
Their instructor paused. His helm turned slowly from side to side, surveying his students. "Come, now. There is no need to be shy. Who wants to be the goblin?"
A small whimper came from somewhere in the room. It was not clear who made it.
With that, the Silver-ranked Adventurer began to prowl through their ranks. "I know you are here, goblin," he groaned. "I can smel-l-l-l you." Goblin Slayer moved up and down the rows. "Here, goblin. He-e-e-ere, goblin-goblin."
At last he drew up before two shivering young men, each of whom managed to convey by quick jerks of the head and unobtrusive finger pointing that the other one must surely be the goblin in question. Goblin Slayer tapped the chicken bone casually against his chin. Tap. Tap. Tap. Then he moved it to point at each of them in turn.
"Eeny… meeny… miney…"
He then snapped the bone in half, spun about, grabbed the boy behind him, and drove the jagged end into his jugular!
"YOU!"
The dying volunteer collapsed to the floor, twitching and jerking vainly. Goblin Slayer went back to the head of the class and turned around. Blood spattered his armor from head to toe.
"Next we will learn…"
By this point Guild Gal had seen plenty, and swiftly left. Upon careful consideration, maybe Goblin Slayer hadn't been the most appropriate candidate to teach a class. But surely the next one would be better!
In fact, her selection proved quite accurate. The person in charge of this session turned out to be Lizardman Priest. The mystic warrior sat cross-legged in the midst of a ring of students all of whom imitated his pose. It was not a complete circle; there seemed to be some spaces empty. Still, eyes blissfully closed, arms extended with middle and ring fingers tucked in, the whole group was breathing slowly and rhythmically. The scent of incense hung heavy in the air. Somewhere a bell chimed, light and peaceful. It was all very relaxing to watch.
At last the Priest spoke in a deep, soothing voice. "You have now reached the second stage of your inward journey." He then reached into his jacket and came out with a small yellow lump, which he held aloft. "Whoever among you can snatch the cheese from my hand, will have achieved true enlightenment."
Guild Gal watched, fascinated. By some silent consent, one student rose and knelt before their teacher. For a time nothing was said or done.
The student made a sudden grab.
The whole class held their breath. Then…
"You missed."
Lizardman Priest opened his eyes, slit pupils widening and then shrinking down to slits. "You too shall be honored to join the circle of life!"
So saying, he sprang upon the hapless trainee, claws extended and fanged jaws open wide.
Rather than seeing what came next, Guild Gal hustled down the corridor, hips shaking side to side like a pendulum as she ran.
It took her a moment to catch her breath. And truthfully, she had witnessed more than enough for one day… or lifetime. But something, a desperate hope, or perhaps a refusal to admit when she was beat, compelled her to try another door.
Lines of desks spread out before her. Standing in front of a chalkboard was High Elf Archer, wearing glasses and talking animatedly to several attentive students. For some reason, they were all male.
"Fletching is a skill you should get down early in life," she was explaining to them, wagging her finger authoritatively as she did. "You don't want to overload yourself with arrows, but if you run out while on a quest for whatever reason, you should be able to make new ones as long as the resources are available." She began to write upon the board. "In terms of the shaft, the optimum wood is…"
"Teacher?" One of the students raised his hand. "I dropped my stylus. Could you pick it up for me?"
"Hmm?" High Elf Archer noticed the writing implement near her feet. "Oh, sure." She then turned away from them and bent down to retrieve it.
As she did, every boy in the room hurriedly sat up in their seats and craned their heads to get a better view. A communal groan was uttered.
High Elf Archer stood up, and as she did, each of them hurriedly retook their seats. She returned the stylus to its owner before heading back to the chalkboard. "As I was saying, you want to look for something springy and young, so your best bet is…"
"Oh, teacher?" another boy sang sweetly. "I have also dropped my stylus."
"Again?" The beauteous Elf sighed and took off her glasses, shaking her head. "I swear, you humans can be so clumsy!" She then sauntered over and proceeded to bend down, precipitating another rush of horny teenagers clamoring to enjoy the show. One of them wolf-whistled.
Guild Gal shut the door and moved on, privately resolving to give those little bastards all Giant Rabid Sewer Rat quests the next time she saw them.
By now it was clear to her this whole enterprise could stand to be thought through a little better. But she resolved to check on just one more class before heading home. As it turned out, the next room was being taught by Sorceress.
"You might… find… that there is… some… advantage… to… working… in… groups… of…"
A pause.
"… two…"
Another pause.
"… or…"
An even longer pause.
"… m…"
"…o…"
"…r…"
"…e…"
Half the class was asleep by this point and others were drifting off by the look of them, so Guild Gal genteelly resisted the urge to scream before heading back the way she came. There were several other lectures being taught today, none of which held any interest for her by this point.
Still, before leaving with her tail tucked firmly between her legs, she couldn't resist making one last stop.
For whatever reason, Goblin Slayer's class hadn't all run screaming for the hills by this point. To her dismay, he was even more blood-stained than before. The students continued to perform their impersonations of statues as he trod the floorboards.
"You now know how to defend yourself when being attacked by a goblin with a banana," the faceless fighter informed them. "So who would like to hold the pineapple?"
At this one of the students uttered a blood-curdling scream and darted madly towards the door where Guild Gal was peeking in.
Goblin Slayer's head snapped around. His hand stole to the short sword at his belt. As the mad-eyed trainee came charging straight towards her, Guild Gal saw him whip it out and fling it in a whistling rush. She quickly slammed the door shut.
The point of a bloodied sword came bursting through the wood, and she collapsed back on the floor with a yelp. There she sat, panting with eyes wide, feeling her heart pounding a mile a minute in her chest.
"Hey, princess. You doing alright?"
Horrorstruck, Guild Gal looked up to find Barbarian Amazon bending over her with a smile.
"Glad I ran into you!" the muscular beauty boomed. "Actually, I was just explaining to my students how to deal with a rescued maiden. We don't have any girls, so I was going to get that little Elf for demonstration purposes. But you're a noble too, right? Wanna give it a try?"
The Guild employee stared up at her in confusion. "I… what?"
"Perfect! Let's go."
Next thing she knew, Guild Gal was slung over the brawny fighter's shoulder, who proceeded to march down the hall carrying her.
"Wait… hold on!" The young woman wriggled to get free, but found this was quite impossible. In desperation she placed her hands on the Amazon's broad back and levered up to try and get a look at where they were going. "What exactly do you expect me to do?!"
"Nothing special," her co-worker shrugged. "Just that whole, 'Oh, thank you for rescuing me, noble warrior! Is there any way I can… express my gratitude?' sort of thing. We can take it from there. You just lie back and relax."
Guild Gal gaped. "A… Are you seriously expecting me to be groped by a bunch of pervy greenhorns?!"
"No, princess!" the Amazon laughed. "Don't be ridiculous!"
She relaxed a little upon hearing this. "Oh, okay, that's…"
"I'll be doing all the work. They just watch." And she proceeded to give her a playful smack on the rear. "Seriously, I'm glad you've got a nice figure. This'll be great!"
Mouth wide as could be and eyes starting from her head, Guild Gal sought in vain to express that she had not actually agreed to anything along these lines. "Wha… you… I…!"
When nothing more came out, she slumped over the big woman's shoulder and put her chin in one hand. "Oh, forget it!" she grumbled in annoyance, and blew the bangs out of her eyes.
FIN.