The statement rang true: Absence made the heart grow fonder. Or at least it did for him, anyway.
It had been a month since she had fled from the potions classroom and stalked off in an outburst and never even given a second glance backward. He suspected she hadn't even given him a momentary thought in her mind since, because she sure as shit hadn't even glanced in his direction. She didn't during meals. Nor while he prowled the great hall during homework of an afternoon. And never even when they had crossed paths. She had trained herself to be ignorant to him and only him.
In saying all of this, he was glad to hear the whispers of the Carrows wanting to harm her, to hurt him had fizzled out and it was obvious his plan to push her as far away as he could was working.
He still didn't trust Pansy, and he never would. A leopard never changed its spots, and neither did a callous witch from a long line of evil supremacists bent on eradicating Muggles and Mudbloods alike from the world.
He missed her. Merlin, he wanted her back to warm his bed and hold her tight. To feel her lips and caress her skin. To feel the closeness of someone whom you cared for.
He hated the feeling he got in the pit of his stomach whenever he saw her walk by, and she ignored him. Anger and hatred for himself would bubble deep in the pit of his stomach, and it would gnaw at him souring the rest of his day.
He was jealous of Pansy and the time she got to spend with Hermione. He wouldn't lie about that. The way they would traipse around the school together, whispering and laughing with some sick inside joke (he assumed) made his stomach turn.
It was maddening. This entire ordeal was maddening, and he hated it. His heart yearned for her. He would never admit that to another living soul, but it was grinding him down to nothing. Wearing him so thin, he was making mistakes in his personal and professional life. Just the other day he almost let slip to the Dark Lord: he was tiring of playing double agent, forgetting he wasn't conversing with Dumbledore.
As the weeks drew on, his entire attitude changed and perhaps there was a hint of regret with the whole scenario. Dumbledore had tasked him with a list of criteria to follow and he had let anger and pettiness get the better of him and he strayed so far from the path he followed he couldn't find his way back to the well-walked track even if he wanted to. Severus was in far too deep now to turn back and go right the wrongs he had caused right until this point.
Of course, he was meant to help Potter and here he was, stealing his best friend away under false pretences and falling for the little chit instead of sending them down the path they needed to traipse down.
Dumbledore tasked him in such a way to guide them so they had maximum success against the darkness and the Dark Lord but he broke the trio up and now Potter and Weasley were Merlin fucking knew where traipsing around the countryside from what snippets he had heard in a spectacular style that would get them fucking hung, drawn and quartered by the first Snatcher or Death Eater that passed their incompetent arses.
He should have never have taken Hermione with him. Hell, he wished he had never involved himself with her at all because all he felt now daily was bitterness and regret for what he had done. Not to mention she needed to be with the two of them to guide them along in their path for the light. Without her, dumb and stupider will end up straying from the path of enlightenment that was clearly set out and take the path less travelled right into the waiting clutches of The Dark Lord or worse, Bellatrix.
But where were they? How would he track the two of them down when he had nary an idea of where they were heading or what they were doing? The last he heard they had left Grimmauld Place one night without telling a soul and slipped into the darkness, consumed by nothing but their thoughts.
He'd have to put his ear to the ground and pay astute attention to what was going on around him in order to guide Hermione back towards them and thus filling the wishes of the late Dumbledore.
He tapped his fingers in deep thought upon his wooden desk; the sound echoing lightly off of the walls in the otherwise silent room. He hated being in this office alone, hell; he hated walking this earth alone, but he knew something destined him to for all the atrocities he had committed in his life, and he could accept those demons. An eye for an eye, if you were.
"Severus?" Hermione stormed into his office without even a wrap of her knuckles against his door, causing him to jump in his chair just so at the intrusion.
He sat up in his chair, eyes focusing right on the one person he was just thinking of.
"To what do I owe the displeasure of your company this evening, Miss Granger?" Folding hands together, he tilted his head to the right, and then the left cracking his neck as he did so almost like he was readying himself for battle.
"I need you to sign this." She looked down her nose at him as she closed the gap in a few steps and slammed a piece of parchment on his desk. "Please," she added a little softer than her original demanding tone.
He eyed the paper. Permission to go to Hogsmeade. He had almost forgotten about those trips in these current times. He couldn't morally sign it knowing what a little bitch she had been of late, but maybe… just maybe this could however play to his full advantage. Potter and Weasley would be stupid enough to come skulking around Hogsmeade looking for Hermione and should she just be there at the right time his minor problem might solve itself.
"And I should sign that, why?" He pinned the paper hard to the desk with his index finger before sliding it towards himself.
"These are for parents or guardians to sign, and I am neither to you, Miss Granger. You need consent from someone who has guardianship over you because if you go out and die, which is possible, then they have signed and acknowledged that on the off chance something may go awry and we take no responsibility." He cracked a brow high into his hairline.
"Wait." She held a hand up to silence him and to gather the thoughts whirling in her mind.
"So I need permission to go on a jaunty trek to the local town for a Butter Beer, but I don't need permission from anyone to displaced from the safety of Grimmauld Place, nor to warm your bed or taste your lips on mine?" She looked at him, perplexed, and hoped he could come up with a half-decent reason that was.
He tapped his fingers on the desk in a slow tempo, almost as if he were in serious reflection. After a large, pregnant pause, he sighed haughtily. "Because Miss Granger, you were a sight better off and safer with me than you would have been any longer in that house. They showed you their true colours when Potter tried to kill me. If that didn't speak volumes about their genuine characters, nothing would. I saved you from them."
"You… You saved me?" Voice whisper-quiet dripping with pure sarcasm she tried not to reach across the desk and wrap her lithe fingers around his neck and wait until the light left his eyes. That would be an end befitting of Severus Snape, she thought dangerously to herself.
"Well, technically, yes. Who knew what they would do to you after the realised you were sympathising with me." He looked pointedly at her, folding his arms tightly across his chest. He didn't even care if the only interactions he had with her was that of them fighting. It was better than the loneliness and the radio silence he otherwise got from her.
"Look at you all high and mighty up in the ivory tower assuming things that hold no merit what so ever." She slammed her open palms on his desk and leant down to meet his eyes. The flames flickered deep within hers and she looked like a lioness ready to go on the attack should the need arise.
He noticed her breathing, a touch heavier than usual, her chest heaving hard up and down. He also noted the way her fingers twitched lightly upon the polished wooden surface, possibly twitching as thoughts of harming him fluttered through her mind.
Standing, slamming his own palms on the table this time. His fingertips lightly brushing her own but neither moving at the invasion. His own eyes met hers and he licked his lips slowly processing in his mind what he should say and what he probably shouldn't so he didn't piss her off any further.
"I didn't see you complaining when I took you with me. In fact, I think you jumped at the chance, Miss Granger." His fiery breath hitting her in the face as he spoke darkly. "And you especially jumped at the chance to share a bed with me. Insisted, actually."
"And yet, I was never good enough for you. Even after I followed you blindly into the unknown and trusted you with everything, you pushed me away, Severus. I threw myself at you and still, you didn't take the hint. You saved me from nothing. In fact, now the only thing I need saving is you and the feelings I have." Her voice dropped to a ghostly whisper, her eyes softened just so, and a stray tear trailed slowly down her cheek.
His expression faltered and dropped. No longer adorned by the hard steely expression he was just wearing. "Hermione, everything I did, I did for you."
"Yeah, sure. How more cliché can you honestly get? You did nothing for me, Severus. Even when I needed you the most. When the entire school was whispering behind my back and I had no one to turn to you pushed me away right into the inner workings of where these rumours were coming from. It forced me to integrate with them. Forced to live amongst them. Do you know what that is like to be so alone and trying to defend yourself? I had become so reliant on you for security and company, and in the blink of an eye, you pulled that rug out from under me."
The silence was palpable and the only sound was their breathing as Severus tried to process what she had just told him.
She straightened herself up and smoothed the palms of her hands over her skirt to distract herself. She felt a little better now she finally got that off her chest and let him know how she really felt and how he hurt her.
Sitting on the edge of his desk, she waited idly for something, anything from him. A kind word or a sympathetic pat on the shoulder or maybe even a get out of my office, but none of that came. The only thing she heard from behind her was the scratching of quill on parchment and a resigned sigh.
He slowly rounded on her, standing a mere inch from her body. A hand slowly reached out and brushed her cheek with a tenderness she had never known before from him.
"I know you want more. I understand and I appreciate that, Hermione. But now is possibly not the best time for that. I have many people who hate me and will use anything that makes me happy to get back at me, and I cannot drag you into the inner workings of this right now. It's bad enough that Voldemort assumes you're here under totally different pretences to what you really are."
He leaned forward and seized her lips with his own, letting his shield down for but a fading moment. The kiss was gentle and only lasted a few seconds before he had to pull away. He couldn't bear to let it last any longer for him or for her.
Stepping back just enough to break any contact between them, he raised his other hand and passed her the piece of parchment she had walked in with only it now sported his signature boldly on the dotted line.
She looked down at the paper and back to him. "Thank you," she sniffed before getting to her feet and leaving his office.
He stood, staring at the door, willing himself to go after her, to stop her, to grab her and tell her how he really felt. He wanted to hold her, caress her and to whisper into her ear. Instead, his feet stuck to the spot and unmoving.
His hand hovered over his desk grasping the first thing he could, an inkpot and threw it as hard as he could across the room, watching it shatter upon impact against the stone wall. The ink raining down like a baptism of realisation; he could probably never have her, not if he wanted to keep her safe.
A/N: Sorry it's been a while since I updated. I had/have a bit of writer's block and am trying to move slowly through it. Hopefully, the next few chapters things will really move along in the story.
Also, I am assuming a new Hogsmeade note had to be signed yearly. I also assume they would have been allowed into Hogsmeade during the year Harry/Ron/Hermione went on their Horcrux search, hence my plotline.
-Aliasmel1