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Chapter 12
Amber
"Tonks!" Bill Weasley's face filled with concern as he opened the door and saw her standing there. "My god! Are you ok?"
"I'm fine, fine!" she assured him, although her teeth were chattering.
"Come in, come in!"
He ushered her over the threshold and into the kitchen where Fleur, who was clearing away some plates from the table, also looked up in worry.
"Everything's fine!" Tonks repeated to her, but neither of them looked convinced.
"What's going on? Where's Remus?" Bill said urgently. His eyes were calculating, flicking over to the calendar on the wall, then to the dark sky outside.
Tonks hastened to explain. She didn't want any doubts to be cast on Remus's intentions right now, particularly not when his absence was all her fault. She explained about the storm, and the smashed plant, how she had not been able to make the potion and how Remus had insisted on staying away for the night and had left a few hours before.
"And - and I thought I'd be fine, but then it got dark - and - I didn't want to be alone."
She hated how feeble she sounded.
"Urgh, what must you think of me," she said in exasperation. "I'm an Auror, for crying out loud, I used to live alone, every single day… and now I can't even manage it for one little night?"
"I think it's more than understandable," Bill said gently. "And you did the right thing, coming here. If we'd known we would have told you to come round anyway!"
"Absolument!" Fleur exclaimed. "Of course you must stay here tonight, there can be no question!"
Despite her worries about Remus, which would undoubtedly plague her until she saw him again the next day, forty-five minutes later Tonks knew that she had indeed made the right decision. Sitting in front of the fire with a large mug of hot chocolate, while Bill nursed a smoky whisky and Fleur sipped delicately at a French digestif, she may not have felt completely calm, but she felt a hell of a lot better than she had on her own in the eerie silence of her own living room. She had even managed to smile as she and Bill relived some memories of their own days at Hogwarts. Of the three eldest Weasleys boys, Tonks had been closest to Charlie, and despite being in different houses the two of them had been firm friends from the start.
"…and that time that you and Charlie jinxed all Percy's spellbooks so that the words jumped around and all the pictures became crude animated drawings," Bill chuckled. "You should have seen him in the common room that evening trying to read them. And he still pretended nothing was wrong, just sat there all solemn and dignified. Charlie and I were literally crying."
"Oh, he was just too easy a target, was little poncy Percy," Tonks said, her own eyes crinkling in amusement at the memory. "Sorry," she added hastily. "I know he's your brother, whatever he may be like at the moment."
"Oh, he's still a ponce!" Bill assured her. "In fact that's a pretty kind description of how he's acting right now. Try Grade A prick. Mind you, he really couldn't catch a break at school, because you two left and then the twins started. And they were even worse. I think by the end of their first term they had switched the labels on all his potion ingredients, filled his shoes with dungbombs and - pretty impressively for first years, actually - bewitched his bed to sing him a lullaby every night."
"I don't think we would have got away with pranks like that at Beauxbatons," said Fleur, who had been listening in amusement. "Zey were very strict over zere."
"Yes, they were probably a bit more lax at Hogwarts," Bill agreed.
"Although!" Tonks shot him a look. "Surely it was your job, as Head Boy and leader of the student body, to stop such cruel and unnecessary behaviour towards the younger students?"
"And turn in my brother and his coolest friend?" Bill said in mock horror. "No way! Percy needed lightening up anyway. I didn't tell Mum either. She'd have fretted for seven years that he was being bullied."
"Yes, she probably wouldn't be quite so fond of me now if she knew about all our pranks back then. It's bad enough that I nearly squished Ginny with my luggage trolley when she was toddling towards Charlie to meet him off the Hogwarts express that time. Your Mum's never let me forget that!"
"Mum always liked you though!" Bill said. "I think she always hoped you might end up together! It was always Tonks this and Tonks that and Have you heard from Tonks, Charlie? He was oblivious, of course, but I'm sure she had you as a blushing Weasley bride in her mind's eye."
Tonks pulled a face. "Urgh, sorry, no way. Love him to bits – in fact he was probably my best mate, at least until he discovered that dragons were his life and went off to Romania and I never heard from him again. But marry him? No!"
"Ah, don't take it personally, none of the rest of us ever hear from him either," Bill assured her, leaning back in his chair and taking another sip of the amber liquid in his glass. "I haven't at all since the wedding. I think he sent Mum a two-line postcard for her birthday. He's just one of those people, great if you're with him in the moment, doesn't give you a second's thought if you're not. Probably why he's never had a proper girlfriend. Or boyfriend of course," he hastened to add. "We reckon it might end up being boyfriend."
"Probably just as well I didn't spend my teenage years lusting after him then…"
"Well, quite," Bill chuckled. "But I think Mum was still a bit disappointed when they saw you at King's Cross in final year with that guy of yours. What was his name? The Ravenclaw with all the muscles? Graeme?"
"Gareth? Oh no! don't remind me of him! Ew!" Tonks even managed to laugh as she covered her eyes at the memory. "I don't know what I was thinking. He wasn't even good looking. And how he was sorted into Ravenclaw I will never know, he was just so bloody thick. He once asked me when it was my time of the month why I couldn't just morph my uterus away."
Fleur burst out laughing at this too.
"How delightful," said Bill, looking mildly revolted but grinning all the same.
"Sorry, was that too much information?" Tonks just shrugged at his discomfort. "I didn't have many female friends at school you know, so I just got used to making all the boys uncomfortable with girl talk. Became a bit of a sport to be honest."
Still laughing, Tonks looked out the window, and then caught sight of the moon, which had now risen above the tree outside, a giant silver circle in the sky. Her laughter died in her throat, her smile fading, all thought of happy memories forgotten. She could laugh all she liked about school memories and old boyfriends and past potential husbands, but her actual husband, her dearest most beloved life partner, the only person she had ever loved and knew that she would ever want in the world, was alone in a wreck of a house some three hundred miles away, completely unrecognisable from the kind and mellow man she knew so well, and there was nothing she could do to help him.
She looked down at her hot chocolate, swilling the contents in the bottom of the mug. She didn't think she could stomach the rest.
"Do you mind if I go to bed now?" she said in a small voice.
"Of course not." Bill's face was full of understanding. "I'll show you up."
He led her up the stairs and along the landing to a little bedroom, painted blue with simple furnishings and shell-patterned curtains.
"The pyjamas are Ron's, that he left accidentally, if you want to borrow them," Bill said, nodding at a pair of maroon pyjamas that were neatly folded on the edge of the bed. "They've been washed, of course!" he added. "I would never subject you to Ronald Weasley's unwashed clothing!"
She managed a tiny laugh. He squeezed her shoulder affectionately and left her to it.
Tonks crossed the room and pulled the curtains shut, unable to avoid looking at the perfectly round orb in the sky.
Oh Remus please be ok. It's all my fault if you're not ok.
A noise behind her made her look round. Fleur had brought in a couple of temperature regulating blankets.
"It gets cold in here sometimes," she murmured, putting them on the edge of the bed. Then she straightened up and Tonks tried to keep smiling.
"Dear Tonks," Fleur whispered, coming over and, to Tonks's great surprise, embracing her warmly. "He will be ok. He is very strong you know."
As the recent conversation with Bill had evidenced, Tonks had had almost no female friends at school. She had always been one of the guys, and that had not changed when she had left Hogwarts and joined the largely male dominated Auror office, even though the Ministry was always trying to recruit more women into the role. She had certainly never felt as though she was missing out on anything, particularly since joining the Order, where she felt a kindred spirit with Ginny and Hermione and motherly Molly, despite the age gap in both directions. Perhaps it was time she added a female friend of nearer her own age to the list, she thought, as Fleur gave her a strong hug.
"You must come and get us tonight if you need anything," she insisted, as they broke apart. "I'm so glad you came here tonight Tonks, that is what friends are here for you know."
Tonks gave a small, sad smile as she closed the door and, deciding against the pyjamas, pulled on the oversized T-shirt she had brought with her. Who would have thought just a couple of years ago, when she was laughing with Ginny and Hermione about Phlegmy Fleurgh, that the woman would prove to be such a warm and comforting presence now?
Sleep did not come easily to her and she tossed and turned well into the early hours of the morning, finally drifting off when the light of the moon was no longer visible through the crack in the curtains. But despite her fear and worry, there was a pleasant little glow somewhere deep in her chest, the warmth that could only come from friends, from true honest companionship, and the knowledge that she had someone to turn to, even when her husband and best friend, her rock and her wall, could not be there by her side as usual.
oooo
Tonks awoke to light streaming in through the window. The sun was rising, therefore it must be around seven o'clock. Remus would be back to his normal self, and probably waking up or already awake, tending to his injuries.
Shivering, but not from cold, Tonks hastily got dressed and made her way downstairs.
"Thanks so much for having me," she said to Fleur, who was already at the kitchen table with a miniscule cup of coffee. "I appreciate it so much, and it helped. I'm going to head back home now."
"You'll have some breakfast, at least, won't you?" Bill said, appearing in the kitchen just behind her, pulling his hair into his habitual ponytail as he spoke.
But, after all the months of food cravings and being constantly hungry, the thought of food at the moment was making her stomach contract. She shook her head.
"Thanks, but I just want to get home."
Bill just shrugged and nodded, then gave her a swift hug. "No worries! Give Remus our love and let us know if you need anything," he said. "And we'll see you soon."
"Here," Fleur pressed a bottle on her. "It's medicine I use for bad headaches, made from French herbs. It's very good for pain."
Tonks took it with a word of thanks and a shaking hand. Just how much pain would it be able to treat, she wondered. And how much would it need to?
oooo
Light was streaming in through the window. Remus struggled to open his eyes. Eventually, consciousness and memory dawned. And along with it, pain.
A lot of pain.
His limbs were aching, his arm particularly painful. He could feel the habitual cuts and scrapes all over his body. His neck was stiff, and one of his ankles felt swollen. He also seemed to be lying on something sharp, with the feel of jagged edges digging into his back.
After a few more minutes, it was not being able to bear this anymore that made him drag himself up to a seated position.
The room was a mess, as he had expected. Two of the chairs he had left out the night before were now in pieces. The mirror that had hung by the bed was in shards on the floor, a lot of them seemingly underneath him, which at least explained the stabbing pains in his back. Paint had been clawed off the walls in many places. The bed, made of solid oak, was mercifully intact, barring the odd scratch mark. Dragging himself up, pressing his lips together determinedly to stop himself from making any noise- even in his own solitary confinement he hated to show signs of weakness - Remus managed to stand up, before collapsing back down on the bed, the room spinning around him.
He had forgotten what this felt like. And it seemed even worse than he remembered. In spite of what he had told his wife, it had been a while since he had been in stuck close quarters for a transformation, and he wasn't sure he had ever been in a room this small. Fresh out of Hogwarts, in the little flat he'd shared with Sirius, he had, but back then he had had the company of a stag and a dog and a rat to keep him sane, and those transformations had barely been any more painful than taking the Wolfsbane was now.
He pushed that thought out of his mind as it made him feel even worse.
He would not be able to move yet. Summoning all his remaining energy and thinking of Dora's pink hair, he summoned a patronus, telling her that he was fine, that he would just be sorting some stuff in the house, and that he would be home later.
Then he collapsed back down on the bed, black fog clouding his vision.
o
Tonks was worried. It had been a relief to receive Remus's silver wolf, just half an hour after getting home, assuring her that he was ok, but would just need to sort out some things in the house before he came home, but three hours later and he had still not reappeared. She resisted the urge to send another message in return. He may just be too weak to apparate at the moment, and he probably wouldn't want more attention drawn to that fact – this was Remus after all. But she was still worried.
o
He would have to move soon. Dora would be worrying, and he couldn't let her worry more than was necessary. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to sit up, allowing himself a grunt of pain.
The room was still spinning. He managed to conjure up a glass of water and took several slow, steadying sips. The dizziness eased, and the water stayed down. That was something at least.
He turned his attention to his injuries. His head was pounding, but that was normal after a transformation. Several of the cuts were quickly fixed with a sealing charm. His side was severely bruised; he suspected he had spent a lot of last night throwing himself against the walls. He thought he must have several cuts in his back, as well, due to the broken mirror, but Dora would be better placed to fix those. He would let her repair his arm as well. Mending your own broken bones was generally not to be advised when you were in as weakened state as he was. He strapped a sling on it as best he could.
Finally, after twenty minutes of minor healing charms, Remus felt able to get to his feet, if a little unsteadily.
He surveyed the room. He supposed it could have been worse. There had been very little furniture there to destroy and the two chairs and wardrobe door were easily fixed. The walls had a lot of claw marks in them, but that was easily fixed up as well. Overall, the bedroom had been a good choice, however much he may be suffering from it today. Slowly and painstakingly, the room was resurrected to its former shabby but neat state.
That just left the mirror. Remus waved his wand in a sweeping motion and the fragments all flew back together. About to fix it back on the wall with another charm, Remus paused. There appeared to be a hole in the wall where the mirror usually hung, a bit of exposed brickwork where the cement had crumbled away. Yet another claw mark, he supposed.
He could just leave it. The mirror would cover it up and no one would ever know. But Remus was a perfectionist. His dear wife was the one who left mess and imperfections, out of sight out of mind. It was something that they still resolutely disagreed on.
He limped over to the wall to check out the damage. Hopefully it would be a very quick fix as he could feel what little energy he had left draining from him. Then, as he got closer, he stared. It did not look like this was a result of the wolf after all. The hole in the wall was too well formed, perfectly round, as if it had once held a pipe that had been subsequently removed.
Looking even closer, Remus could see that there was actually something inside it, what looked like a crumpled up piece of paper. Curiosity overwhelming pain and tiredness now, he pulled at its corner. Something fell to the floor with a light thud. Remus looked down at it, then back at the crumpled parchment, his mouth falling open.
oooo
"Remus! Are you ok?"
"Fine! Fine!"
He didn't look ok at all, he looked terrible. Pale and shaking, with his arm in a makeshift sling and limping a little. She rushed forwards and escorted him as gently as she could into the house, afraid to hug him or even touch him too roughly, in case it did further damage.
An hour later, with the arm fixed, the rest of the cuts and bruises patched up, Fleur's magic French medicine taking effect and a decent amount of warm food inside him, Remus was feeling a good deal better, and some of the colour had returned to his cheeks.
Tonks, however, was still looking horrified.
"Remus… I am so, so sorry!"
"Haven't we been through this enough times already – you have nothing to apologise for."
"How can you even say that? It's completely my fault that you couldn't take your potion this month, and look at you!"
He gave a deep sigh.
"Ok, number one it is not completely your fault… I didn't check that window before we went to bed either, did I?"
"Yes, but I was the one who opened-"
"Secondly, everything was absolutely fine. The transformation was as expected, and I'm ok, and now I'm back here with you and I feel completely better."
She made a disbelieving sound in the back of her throat.
"I do!" he insisted.
She just glared at him. "Why can't you just tell me what it was really like, instead of pretending it was nothing?"
"Well, probably for the same reason that you keep avoiding the topic of how your evening was…"
There was a silence as they held each other's gaze. How many times had they had this kind of silent battle of wills in the few short years they had known each other? Tonks was the one who relented first this time.
"Ok, fine, I was scared of being alone if you must know. So I went to Bill and Fleur's house so I could have some company. Happy?"
"Not that you went out on your own in the dark, no! Not happy at all!"
"Well… Too late, I did and I'm fine and I've admitted it to you, so now you have to tell me the truth about what you were going through."
He looked away. He had never admitted to anyone what those nights felt like, not even to James or Sirius, or Lily.
"Please," she said, very softly, touching his mended arm. "Please let me in Remus. Let me share in this."
Perhaps it would help to tell her. And he needed to tell her something else, anyway.
"Ok, it was bad," he confessed hollowly. "I don't remember it being that bad before. Maybe because I'm getting older, or because I had to use a smaller room than normal, I don't know. I had to use my parents' old room, as the cellar was too damaged to use. And it was painful. The actual transformation isn't even the worst part, it feels like fire but it's over pretty quickly. And I can never really remember much after that but this time the room was definitely too small a space for a fully grown werewolf. I think I spent most of the night throwing myself against the walls, and I smashed a mirror and woke up lying on it, which is where the cuts on my back came from, but-"
She was staring at the floor, looking completely sick. He reached out and tilted her head back up to look at her.
"I'm going somewhere with this Dora, I'm not just saying it for pity, or to make you feel bad. You have to listen to me!"
He pulled the crumpled note out of his pocket, and handed it to her. Wordlessly, Tonks took it. The message was very short, scribbled, barely even legible. But she could just about make out what it said.
Dearest Remus,
I don't know if you will ever see this and if you do I am truly sorry if it brings you further grief. But I had to write something, to tell you that we love you and we are so proud of you. Never forget that.
We will always be with you.
Mum
Tonks read the few words, her eyes sparkling with sudden tears. "Oh Remus…"
"She must have written it minutes if not seconds before she died. I found it in the room I know she was killed in," Remus said. "It was behind the mirror I smashed off the wall, in a tiny hole in the brickwork that I never even knew was there. And if I hadn't gone there last night I might never have found it at all. In all my years of going to that house, I never looked for anything hidden – I had no reason to. I never went in that room if I could help it and I had all my parents' possessions accounted for. As I told you before, I thought my Mum was buried with the one thing I couldn't find. But," he reached into his pocket again. "I was wrong."
Tonks's mouth fell open as he drew something out and held it up to the light. A little droplet of amber hung on a metal chain, a tiny dragonfly glinting in its centre.
"It was with the note," Remus said. "She knew how much I loved it as a child and she must have hoped that, if she left it hidden, it wouldn't get taken and that I would find it. And if I hadn't gone back there I may never have done, might never have set foot in that house again. So Dora," he forced her to look round at him again. "If for no other reason than that, don't be sorry that I couldn't take my potion this month. You have no idea what it meant to find this today."
She still looked uncertain, but she did manage a wobbly smile.
"Here," Remus held it out to her. "I want you to have it."
Her eyes widened but she shook her head.
"Remus, I can't!" she protested.
"Don't you want it?" He retracted his hand a little, looking a little disappointed, but understanding all the same. "I know it's a weird thought, being there all those years, and her leaving it just before she died-"
"No, no… it's not that. It's just… It's yours."
He grinned.
"I don't think it would look quite so good on me, my love, to be honest."
"You know what I mean. It's…it's special."
"But you're special."
She said nothing. He raised his arms, ignoring the dull ache in the one that had been broken, and placed the chain round her collarbone, fastening the clasp at the nape of her neck. She looked down at it and touched the little jewel, her forehead still furrowed anxiously.
Remus gently released a curl of chestnut hair that was caught in the chain.
"Dora, I've never been able to give you much. Please let me give you this. It isn't exactly worth anything, of course, but it once belonged to the most important woman in my life. Let that be the case again."