Alex pulls up outside of her house. The car ride was silent; whilst comfortable there was still tension that hung around in the air.

"I don't want to go in there." Jo tells him honestly; she figures they're past the point of fake smiles and 'I'm fine'. Because she's not fine. And the minute she goes in there she'll be left with her own thoughts and then she'll just be waiting. Waiting and waiting until Paul returns home and decides to torture with whatever punishment he sees fit.

He nods in agreement as if he had any idea of what she really meant. He had no idea and although she knows, and she sees him trying to understand – trying to get to the bottom of whatever was going on with her. But she was good; too good at lying.

Paul was right, she thinks.

She is manipulative and she is childish because look what she's done now. She's managed to convince Alex she was worth falling for. She leant into kiss him and now she's filled him with hope, when in reality she has no hope to give. She's weak and she's silly and she was under Paul's spell – Alex was just going to end up disappointed with her. They were always disappointed in the end.

Jo takes a deep breath before unclasping her seatbelt and turning towards Alex. "What happened at Doctor Grey's," he reaches his hand out for hers, but she swiftly snatches her hand away from his grasp, "no, Alex." She shakes her head. "It can't happen again," Jo's eyebrows furrow, he looks at her confused and hurt and pained. "What did you expect to happen?" She asks him, "did you think we would kiss, and you would tell me that you 'kind-of-sort-of-maybe-like-me' and then what … I leave my husband!?"

She doesn't want to sound harsh, but she couldn't control the anger that bubbles inside of her. She's angry with Paul and she's angry with herself and she's angry with Alex. She's angry with Alex because it would have been so much easier to control and ignore her feelings if she didn't think they were reciprocated. She's angry because he made her kiss him by being sweet and kind and just so … so hot.

And now she was angry because she didn't understand what was going through his head. Surely, he didn't think … well, actually she had no idea what he was thinking. Maybe she should let him talk.

"I love you, Jo. No maybe's or sort of's, got it?" She gasps, staring at him for any sign of laughter – something that would tell her he was joking. There was no sign. In the end, she lets out a heavy sigh before flopping her head back on the car seat. "Do you think I'm that stupid?" It was his turn to be angry. Angry that Jo would assume that of him. "I don't expect anything from you."

"What!? I don't think you even know how you feel – "

"It's never been clearer."

"Alex, don't –"

"You don't owe me anything." Alex's voice turns softer when he catches Jo's eyes threatening tears all over again, "I bet your head is messed up enough right now … I don't want to cause you any problems." This time when he reaches for her hand, Jo doesn't snatch it away. She lets him hold it and she let his thumb stroke the back of her hand and she lets him reassuringly squeeze her palm. "I never wanted to cause you any problems."

She smiles, sadly. "It's pretty messy."

"I just needed you to know." He should probably quit talking, but he can't. He needed to say it and she needed to hear it. "Just once, I need you to know … you deserve better than a guy who frightens you and talks down to you and doesn't – "

She holds her free hand up to stop him, "you don't know anything about my marriage, Alex. You think that you know because you and I are friends, and you see us at work but – but you don't." Jo worms the hand that rests in his out of his grasp, moving to clutch the door handle so she can exit the vehicle. "It's not so black and white." She mumbles before pushing the door open and beginning to step out.

"I'll see you at work." Jo adds before closing the door with a slam.

Alex waits until he's seen her unlock her front door and step inside before he turns the engine back on. "FUCK!" He shouts with a hard slam against the wheel. This was not what he wanted; he didn't want to put her in this position – he didn't want either of them to be in this position.

But he couldn't lie.

Not anymore.

The next morning, Jo is thankful that Paul is still at the hospital when she wakes up. She assumes that was where he was, he hadn't texted or called or left a voicemail whilst she was sleeping but that's where he was and if he wasn't at home then surely, he's there.

Getting ready for a long shift is much easier when he's not around. She can take a leisurely shower and she can spend a little extra time doing her hair and maybe put on a little bit of makeup without him getting annoyed and assuming there was someone she wanted to look good for. There was. That person being herself – there was nothing worse than spotting yourself in the mirror with dark under eye's and dry skin and frizzy hair.

And she was never late when he wasn't around, always early. Because she had no one around demanding she did certain things before she left; make him breakfast, iron his shirt, clean up her mess or argue about the most ridiculous of things.

Jo takes her time driving over to the hospital, she even stops for a coffee at the cutest little coffee shop a couple of blocks away from her house. She's been dying to try it but Paul preferred the coffee at the hospital, so they never stopped on their way to work to try it.

She savoured the taste; it was much better than the hospital coffee and it felt nice being able to not have to worry about time. She thinks it could have been the world's worst coffee and she'd still enjoy it because she was free to get it all on her own. It was something small, but she always enjoyed the small things.

Whilst the morning was off to a better start than usual there was still the overwhelming guilt that hung over. Guilt for leading Alex on, guilt for kissing him, guilt for making him believe he was in a position to declare his love for her. Also, guilt for going behind Paul's back – maybe she was no better than him … he hurt her but now she was hurting him. The situations were different, but the outcome was the same; someone was hurt.

She wishes she could just shut her brain off.

Jo strolls into the hospital, her head hung low as she shuffles her way through people trying to remain unnoticed as she makes her way to the locker room. She didn't want to be stopped by Paul or Alex or even Grey. She didn't really stand out in her t-shirt and jeans so making it to the locker room unnoticed was easy.

She slips through the door as some other interns are leaving, Shane holds the door open for her as she enters and she thanks him with a smile before rushing over to where she spots Stephanie and Heather next to their lockers. Jo liked this part of the day; when they all raved about the exciting things, they would be doing that day. Well, she liked it when they were doing exciting things.

"There you are!" Stephanie yells once she spots Jo, "you weren't answering your texts, me and Shane were beginning to think you had died." Stephanie grins as Jo pulls her phone from her back pocket and notices several missed calls and multiple text messages from her friends. "Where did you go last night?" She asks, watching as Jo pulls her scrubs from her locker and replaces them with her bag.

Jo smiles and reaches over to lightly squeeze Stephanie's cheek in a joking manner, "aww, were you worried about me?"

Stephanie swats Jo's hand away but giggles nonetheless, "well, one minute you were at the party and the next minute you, Stadler and Karev were all missing." She emphasises the 'and' as if there was some big deal about the fact that all three of them were gone. It was a big deal, to her anyway. But Stephanie didn't know that, did she?

"Paul got paged back to the hospital," Jo informs Stephanie as she slips her head into her scrub top. "So, Karev gave me a ride home …" Stephanie looks to Jo, her expression is a little hard to read but her eyes are wide, and her eyebrows are raised. "I'm sorry I didn't let you guys know –"

Stephanie cuts her off with a wave of her hand, "don't apologise, it's totally cool." She finishes speaking with a reassuring smile pointed at Jo.

She never realised when she was doing it; apologising for the littlest thing when no one was expecting her to. Sometimes it made her feel silly or dumb, but Stephanie didn't do that. And that's why she liked her – that's why they're friends. She wishes she didn't have to lie to her friend.

Jo excuses herself to go to the bathroom, she needed to change into her scrub pants, and she was beginning to feel a little nauseous. Like the close proximity of Stephanie and Heather was suffocating her, making her hot and dizzy and sick. It was the lying, she's sure, or it was the thought of seeing Alex and Paul and everyone else.

Whatever it was it had her sprinting into the nearest toilet cubicle and throwing up the entire contents of her morning breakfast into the ceramic bowl. Twice. Her body convulses as she shoves her head further towards the disgustingly overused toilet. When she's finished her throat hurts and both her stomach and neck are sore from the strain.

She kind of wishes this were a bug because that would make sense; but right now, this didn't make any sense.

Nausea was something that settled in her stomach on a regular basis but she was only ever sick when she was in pain or in fear or even when she was disgusted by what she saw in the mirror … not when she felt guilt.

Nothing made sense to her right now and it was all weighing so heavy on her chest she was beginning to wonder what it felt like to breath without the feeling of a ton of bricks being carried on your back.

"Jo!" Stephanie calls as she makes her way towards the cubicle. "Crap," she mutters when she spots Jo kneeled in front of the toilet, her head resting in her hands, "are you sick?"

Lifting her head, she shakes her head at Stephanie, "Nope. I puked but I'm not sick."

The curly haired woman frowns, "what do you mean?"

Jo groans, resting her hand against the toilet to lift herself up onto her feet with a huff. She makes quick work of moving to wash her hands and check over herself in the mirror before turning back around to a concerned looking Stephanie. "We're friends, right?"

Stephanie moves to stand beside Jo, her back resting against the basin counter. "Of course."

"I mean," Jo takes a deep breath, "we're the kind of friends who can tell one another our secrets and we know it stays between us because we trust each other and we care about each other … right?"

Confused, Stephanie raises a hand to rub comfortingly against Jo's back. "I'd like to think so," she agrees with a little chuckle.

Jo nods, "tell me a secret."

"What?"

"Something no one else knows about you."

Whilst she wasn't exactly sure what was going on, Stephanie decided to play along. "Okayyy," she drags her confirmation, trying to think of something that wouldn't only satisfy Jo but also not completely humiliate her. "I got through college on a cheerleading scholarship." She finishes the sentence rapidly, her cheeks already turning a bright shade of red.

Jo's head snaps to her left, scanning over the sheepish look on Stephanie's face before she burst out laughing. She tries to stop by raising a hand to her lips but then Stephanie's joining in and they're both stood in the intern bathroom unable to control their giggling.

After a few moments, their laughter dies down and they're trying to even their breathing when Stephanie speaks up once again, a grin still gracing her lips. "Your turn." She states, bumping her shoulder against Jo's.

The brunette's face turns serious and in turn so does Stephanie's, once again full of concern. Jo knows what she wants to say. She knows the reason why she even asked Stephanie to tell her a secret was so she could tell her hers and she would no longer feel so alone and full of guilt but as she stands there, working up the courage, the words get lost.

Jo rolls her eyes, condemning her own mind for constantly second guessing herself. She can trust Steph; she does trust her. So, she rips it off like a band-aid, "ikissedalexlastnight."

Stephanie's eyes widen in shock, they're practically bulging out of her head as she stares down her friend. "You have got to be kidding me …" her voice dies before she starts flapping her hands around like a bird. "When!?"

"We were –"

"Where!?"

"Erm,"

"How!?"

Jo raises her arms in front of herself defensively, "would you give me a second?"

Stephanie begins to laugh, she's not sure if it's because of nerves or confusion or she's excited – but one thing was definite, she's not completely surprised.

She saw the sparks between them; everyone in their intern class did – she's sure she even heard Yang teasing Karev about the two of them.

They always seemed to be around one another. Alex went out of his way to find excuses to get Jo on his service and he once told her that she wasn't as competent as Jo; which she knew to be untrue so it was clear … he had a thing for her.

Plus, whenever Jo spoke about the attending, she always had a little sparkle in her eye and a grin on her lips. But she never ever brought up Paul, she spoke about him when one of them asked but other than that … nothing.

Jo wasn't a cheat, though. She knew that her friend was better than that so she comes to the conclusion that something must have been seriously wrong if she took that step. Something must be wrong, or her feeling for Alex must have been stronger than she thought. Stronger than an eye sparkle and a smile. "Sorry," she nods, "what happened?"

"Paul and I …" Jo lowers her head in shame. "We had a fight at Grey's last night and Alex saw, he comforted me and then one thing leads to another and – oh, god – he was just so caring and sweet and kind so I leant in and I … I kissed him." She brings up her hands to cover her face, "it was me."

Unsure of what her friend needed right now; Stephanie could only watch as her friend stood in distress. "Not to sound like a psychiatrist but …" she gulps, not wanting to upset Jo any further, "why do you think you did it, was it a bad fight?"

Jo scoffs, she could tell her it was nothing compared to usual but then that will cause questions and she's not ready for that. Just mentioning this thing with Alex was already such a big step for her. "He said some things that upset me, but I can't blame him."

"Do you have feelings for Karev?"

Jo's silence is enough of an answer for Stephanie. She knows what it looks like to have conflicting feelings and the tears that threaten to spill from Jo's eyes tell her that Jo knows exactly what that feels like too. "You think I'm a horrible person." Jo states after a few moments of strained silence, the answer to Stephanie's question hanging around them like some kind of bright blaring sign.

Stephanie shakes her head, "I know you … you're not a bad person." Jo's reminded in that moment just why her gut told her to confide in Stephanie; she was a good friend and an easy person to talk to – she needed someone like her.

"What do I do now?" Jo asks, as if Stephanie had all the answers to her impossible questions.

Shrugging, Stephanie shakes her head. "I can't decide that for you," her voice is soft and comforting, "I think you need to have a real think about this. People don't really develop feelings for someone when they're in a happy and stable marriage." Her voice is a little nervous, but she quickly rushes to add to her sentence, "I hope that doesn't cross a line … I know you're private about your relationship –"

Jo shakes her head furiously, "no, don't – it doesn't … no, I told you because I wanted your opinion." Although Jo didn't need to hear Stephanie tell her something, she already knew to be true she did, however, need someone to vent to and to tell her she wasn't a complete disaster. She'd call this conversation a success in that sense. "Thank you."

Just as Stephanie is about to open her mouth her pager begins to beep loudly and obnoxiously between them. She groans, "that'll be Kepner. We should get going."

Jo smirks, "you're with Kepner … isn't that awkward?"

"Yes."

Jo snickers as they round the corner and through the lockers, "do you compare stories about Avery?"

"No."

"Do you discuss how magical it is to look into his dreamy eyes whilst you fuck–"

"Nope," Stephanie states before smirking and stopping directly in front of Jo so she stumbles into her side before stepping back. "Do you want me to ask Leah what Karev's like in bed, get all the deets?" She jokes with a giggle when Jo scowls. She really did not want to be reminded of Alex's tryst with Leah. "I heard he's into – "

"Stop!" Jo growls.