Thank you for all the love with the last chapter, it really means the world.
Trigger warning: panic attack, trance, and brief description of blood.
Hereafter
Chapter 32
July 6th, 2019
Edward
I unlocked the front door as Bella took in the surroundings. I wish I knew what was going on inside her head, and I wish she had the means to tell me. I was always going to be patient with her, but this evening was going to be different, and I had to allow her to take all the time she needed.
I had been living in this house since December, and so a few things had been moved around in order to accept my own belongings, but I also hadn't wanted to change too much. For example, Bella had a coat hook near the front door, and when I moved in she still had some jackets and scarves on the hooks and some shoes that sat below them. I hadn't wanted to take that away, and so I'd left them there, but piled them up in order to fit my jackets, etcetera. She also had a weekly planner in the kitchen, but I would have felt bad if I'd rubbed off the words she had written there.
Now, as I walked into the house, I wondered whether that was the right thing to do or not. Would Bella appreciate seeing her coats leisurely hung by the door, or see the week that she never managed to live? I thought I had been doing the right thing, but now I wasn't too sure. I also worried that she wouldn't appreciate seeing my things in the house. The building belonged to her, and it could possibly set her off if she saw that I could live here, but she couldn't.
I dropped the bags by the stairs and took the shopping bag through into the kitchen, and made sure to turns the lights on as I went. I hadn't been overly familiar with PTSD until Bella came into my life, but I knew that dark rooms could be a trigger for most sufferers, especially if they couldn't see who, or what, was in the room. I hoped that turning on all the separate lights could paint a brighter picture for her, and help her realize that it was safe to enter.
After I'd finished laying out the purchases on the countertop, I returned to the front door and noticed that Bella had sat herself down onto the ground, and she cuddled Luna like the dog was her life support.
"Are you okay?" I called out from where I stood. I'd take control if I felt it was necessary, and I'd take Bella home if I felt like she couldn't handle it.
A few seconds after I'd asked the question, she turned her head round to see me and gave me a simple nod. She needed time, and I was more than happy to stand there for as long as it would take her.
It turned out that Bella needed to sit there for twenty minutes before she felt strong enough to stand and walk inside.
Again, I wish that I knew what was going on inside her head when she took the first step inside. I watched as she looked down at the carpet beneath her feet, and then she moved her eyes over to the front door and around to the staircase that sat behind me.
It had been fourteen months since she was brutally taken, and it had been fourteen months since she was last inside her own home. Had the image inside her head changed in that time? Had she remembered one thing, only to find out that it had been something completely different?
She raised her left hand, and then delicately ran two fingers over the wall and the cream wallpaper that had been applied. I wanted to ask why she was touching the wall, but I knew that she wouldn't answer me regardless. It was obviously a way for her to familiarize herself with the home, and my questions wouldn't have been of any help.
Bella gave me a timid smile as she left the entryway and headed for the open-planned living room/kitchen. Like with the wall, she ran two fingers over the pastel yellow couch. I wasn't sure whether to stay where I was, or to leave her be and continue doing something else. Did Bella want me to stand beside her? I thought I knew how to 'care' for her, but this had put everything on its head.
"Are you hungry?" I asked, with the hope that it would give me the answer I was looking for.
She gave me another nod, moved away from the couch and headed for the kitchen.
Bella ignored the weekly planner, or maybe she just hadn't spotted it, and stood against the countertop where I'd unloaded the groceries. For a minute, she simply played around with the chorizo sausage and the tomatoes she'd picked out, almost as if she was wondering what to do, or when to do it.
I took a step back, and allowed her to take all the time she needed, and I didn't say another word until she went to take the chopping board.
"I cannot wait to taste this," I said with a smile.
Bella thought for a second, and then went for the drawer that held all the cutlery and brought out a large chopping knife. After that, she collected a frying pan that sat beside the stove, and sat it down on one of the first rings. She looked up at me when she opened a cupboard by her legs.
"Yes?" I asked.
Without saying a word, Bella pointed towards one of the pots. I knew that the pot would have been too heavy for her to lift, and so I decoded the silent plea and took it out for her.
"Is this for the pasta?" I asked, to which she nodded. "Would you like me to fill it with water?"
She nodded again, and then turned back to the chopping board.
It didn't take a genius to work out what she wanted, and so after I'd filled the pot halfway with water, I sat it on the ring beside the frying pan, and flicked on the gas to begin the boiling process.
Bella used the knife to carefully take the chorizo out of the plastic, and then slowly began to slice it. Luna came to sit in front of me as I stood there awkwardly, so I gave her some attention, but watched over Bella at the same time. I knew she was only slicing some chorizo, but I was so incredibly proud with the strength that Bella had managed to gain over the last few months. This was the same girl that had trouble standing not too long ago, and now she was happily cooking away like nothing had ever happened.
Once the water was boiling, I poured some pasta into the pot and added a pinch of salt, and Bella transferred the sausage into the heated pan. She took a wooden spatula from the drawer and then pushed the meat around the pan as it began to cook. I noticed a tiny whisper of a hum leave Bella's mouth as she worked, and it genuinely made me feel quite emotional. Charlie had always said how much she loved to cook, and that was the first time that I saw what he meant.
After the chorizo had been in the pan for a couple of minutes, Bella washed the tomatoes and began to prepare those as well. She had taken the first slice when Luna informed me that she needed to go outside, so I left Bella to it and went to unlock the back door.
"Ow!" I shriek came from the kitchen just as I was closing the door. "Ow!"
I slammed the door closed the second I heard that cry, and raced back to Bella. I hadn't felt panic like that in a long time, and for Bella to speak her pain meant that it must have been something serious.
"You're okay, sweetheart," I soothed as I noticed the blood that seeped from her finger. The knife had been abandoned on the countertop, and droplets of blood painted the chopping board.
I helped Bella over to the sink where I ran cold water over the cut and watched as her eyes winced in pain. It was clear to me that the knife must have slipped as she was cutting the tomatoes.
"Keep your finger under the stream, okay? I'll be right back."
I gave her a kiss on the cheek as I ran through the living room and toward the staircase where the bags had been abandoned. I knew I had some Band-Aids upstairs in the bathroom, but the first aid kit in Bella's bag was the closest thing, and for once I was thankful that we took it everywhere with us.
Luna must have heard the shrieks, and she was howling at the back door as I returned to the kitchen. I opened the door and she ran directly toward her owner. It's strange how loud a house can get after being silent for so long.
With a sheet of paper towel in hand, I pulled Bella's finger away from the water and then wrapped it tight in the towel to try and control the bleeding.
"Are you okay?" I asked as I squeezed my hand around the towel. Bella didn't nod or shake her head, so I stayed as calm as possible and continued my job at aiding the cut. I'd never been the best around blood, but I knew that I had to take control here.
"Can you hold this tight for me?" I gently took her free hand and brought it over to the finger that I'd been holding. She did as I said, which gave me the opportunity to quickly switch off the stove, but also take some small plastic bandages from the first aid kit.
"You're doing so well," I praised. "I'm going to take the towel away now, so you might want to close your eyes."
Again, Bella did exactly as I said, and nestled her face into my arm as I removed the blood-stain paper towel. I didn't know a lot about cuts, but I knew that hers wasn't too bad, and that the knife could've caused much more damage if she hadn't been careful.
I wrapped the bandage carefully over the cut, but then added another closer to the tip of the finger to give a little bit more support.
"There," I smiled. "It's over now."
Bella brought her face away from my arm, looked up at me with her red-rimmed eyes, and then walked away. I watched in silence as she left the room with Luna by her side.
I didn't know what to do. Whether I should follow her, or continue making the dinner? But did Bella even want to eat that meal anymore?
I followed my gut instinct, and made sure that she was okay before I did anything else. The food could wait until later, but Bella can't. I found her curled up on the couch with Luna lying next to her. Bella had one arm propped up on the top of the couch which she used as a pillow for her head.
"Hey," I said quietly as I squatted down beside her. "Are you okay?"
Bella halted for a second, and then gave me a dainty nod. I had a feeling that she probably thought that she'd failed at the task, and her mind must have said that she was useless at everything the tried, and so it was my job to make her see that that wasn't the case.
"What's going on in here?" I asked as I tapped her forehead lightly.
Bella shrugged her shoulders, and distracted herself by running the fingers of her good hand through Luna's fur. That was the first time that she hadn't told me how to help, and it was the worst feeling in the world. I just wanted to help this poor girl, but I had no way of communicating with her properly. I hadn't expected her voice to come back anytime soon, and Bella only knew the essential signs, so how was I going to get an answer from someone who couldn't give one, but also didn't want to?
"Do you feel like you failed?" I tried, but again, Bella only shrugged her shoulders. "Do you want to go home?"
I knew that she wanted to take this step, and I knew that she wanted to overcome this hurdle, but I'd never seen her react like this before, and I was at a loss for what to do.
To my question, Bella shook her head, but at least it was't a shrug.
"How can I help you? Is there anything I can do to make this better?" I asked.
As Bella shook her head, her bottom lip began to quiver and tears slowly trickled down her cheeks. It must have been terribly hard to battle in silence, and even though I'd tackled my own problems in the past, I knew that this was far worse than I'd ever imagine, or that I'd ever face in my life.
There was no way for me to help her, and for once I felt like I was the one who'd failed. Bella meant the world to me, but what the hell was I supposed to do? How was I able to dry those tears and take the negative thoughts out of her mind?
"How about I phone Charlie, yeah? He always knows what to do," I suggested.
I didn't wait for her answer that time. I was in charge of her mental state, and I had to do what was best.
Charlie answered only seconds after the phone began to ring.
"Hi, Edward," he spoke in a panicked tone.
"I'm so sorry for interrupting you," I said as I turned on the speaker for Bella to also hear the conversation.
"You're not interrupting anything. How can I help you, son?"
"Bella had a little accident when making the dinner and has cut her finger," I explained. "She's okay, but I think she feels a bit defeated now, and I was hoping you might have the ability to make her feel better?"
That was my way of saying that she wouldn't talk to me, and I had a feeling that Charlie caught onto that.
"Are you there, Bells?"
I peered over to see Bella look at the phone with a side eye, but that was the only movement she made.
"She can hear you," I answered.
"Whatever happened this evening is in the past, honey. Think about what you can do from now on, and if you want to go home, you just need to tell Edward, okay?"
I looked up at Bella, but she'd distracted herself with Luna's fur once again. How would she feel if I made her go home to her safety bubble? This house obviously held nothing but trauma, and I didn't want to be the one who forced her to stay in place where she no longer felt safe.
"Do you want to go home?" I asked one more time.
Bella shrugged her shoulders but didn't offer anything else.
"Is she okay?" Charlie asked.
I knew I had to be honest with him, regardless of whether Bella liked it or not. Sometimes we had to be cruel to be kind, and the truth was the best scenario.
"She won't answer any of my questions," I replied. "Bella will either say nothing at all, or she'll shrug her shoulders. I don't know what to do, Charlie."
"I know it's difficult, but I think it's best to stay where you are for now. I'll come to you when I've finished for the night."
"Okay, thanks," I smiled, even though Charlie couldn't see it.
"Just make sure you both stay comfortable, and I trust you to do whatever you think necessary."
We ended the call shortly after that, but from the way that Bella acted, it almost felt like the conversation hadn't happened, or, that she hadn't taken much notice of it. It had gone past her dinner time, and I knew that she needed to eat, but I couldn't work out what to make her. The only real food we had in the house was the pasta and sausage we'd bought from the store, but I doubt Bella could stomach that.
The entire dilemma had caused my own anxiety to flare up, and I felt my body tingle as a sign that I needed to take my medication, but I didn't have the strength to leave her for a single second. I knew I needed to take care of myself, because Bella wouldn't be able to help if my anxiety became worse, but it's difficult to look after myself when she was my main priority.
A thousand different options ran through my mind, and I had a few ideas of what to do, but only one of them stood out clearer than the others. I decided to go with that, and I'd work my way on from there.
"I think Luna needs to have some dinner," I said with my cheeriest tone possible. "Shall we go and serve up some food for her?"
I saw Luna's ears perk up at the sound of food, but she was trained not to get distracted by little things like that. If Bella needed her comfort, Luna couldn't afford to dart off to get some food.
Without giving me an answer, Bella tapped the air over the couch so that Luna knew to get off the furniture, and then Bella curled her legs over the side so that she sat up right again. I stood up straight, and a pain shot down my back from squatting down for so long. When Bella began the slow walk back into the kitchen, I ran to grab Luna's bag from beside the stairs.
I pulled out the two steels bowls and sat them neatly beside the back door, and then used a mug to fill up one of the bowls with water. Bella kept Luna in the 'watch me' command, and she didn't break the command until I had filled the other bowl with the correct amount of food.
"Would you like to eat something?" I asked carefully. "I have some fries in the freezer if you'd like that?"
Bella never took her eyes away from her dog, but the subtle nod answered my question, but also told me that she'd listened to every word I said. It didn't matter that she didn't feel strong enough to answer, at least she paid attention to my every word.
I gave her a supportive rub on her back, and then took the few steps that separated me from the freezer. I heated the oven to the correct temperature, poured a healthy amount of food onto a tray, and then shoved them in and closed the door. A plateful of fries wasn't the healthiest meal, and I probably would have been scorned for not offering a more balanced dinner, but I couldn't find it in me to care. Bella needed food, but she more importantly needed the calories they held. If the only thing she'd eat was a plate of fries, then I wasn't going to be the one to stop that.
She could return to the meal plan tomorrow, or whenever she felt better, but now wasn't the time.
I busied myself during the time that it took for the food to cook, and brought some plates out from a cupboard, along with a couple of forks and some glasses. Fortunately for Bella, I had one can of La Croix left in the refrigerator, and so I cranked open the can and poured the orange-flavored, carbonated water, into the glass and added a paper straw if she wanted to use it.
"What do you like on your fries?" I asked as I located the bottle of ketchup. I knew how she wanted them, but I wanted to make conversation wherever possible. "Salt?" I asked.
Bella nodded.
"And a dollop of ketchup on the side, right?"
She nodded again.
I couldn't think of what else to ask, and so I focused on cleaning up the countertop, and discarded the used chopping board and knife into the empty sink. By time the chorizo and the rest of the tomatoes were back in the fridge, the fries were ready.
"These smell good," I smiled, but my expression didn't carry over to Bella. She was more intrigued with the Band-Aid around her injured finger.
I felt my depression rise as every minute went by. All I wanted was a smile, or perhaps some reassurance that everything was okay, but I never got that. Was I doing a good job? Did Bella want her father here instead of me? Or, was she holding a grudge because I had brought her here?
It worried me that she wouldn't want anything to do with me after this evening. Perhaps it was the final straw, and now Bella knew who she wanted in her life and who she didn't? I wanted to be present, and I wanted to care for her, but if she didn't want that, then I'd accept it. It hadn't take me long to realize that I'd do absolutely anything for this woman. I'd jump if Bella asked me to, I'd take a bullet and jump in front of a train if I had to. As long as she was safe, and she was happy, I'd sacrifice everything else.
0-0
Things hadn't improved after dinner, and I knew it was bad when Luna needed to be let out into the yard, and Bella began to sob. She didn't stop crying until I'd walked her over to the back door and shone the light on my phone in order to see the dog who ran around my back yard. The number of times a day that Luna gets let out into the yard, and Bella didn't have a problem with it, until now. She didn't feel safe unless she had Luna in her sight, and that didn't play well with me.
The three of us travelled upstairs, to a part of the house that Bella was still to enter, and I walked her into the spare bedroom. I'd sorted out the room before she arrived, and so the bed held freshly laundered sheets, and I had a feeling that her old room, which was now my room, wasn't the best place for her to sleep.
"Would you like to take a shower?" I asked. We didn't have a luxury of a bath unlike Charlie's house, but I wanted to stick to her daily routine as much as possible.
To my surprise, Bella accepted the offer.
I found some clean towels, and made sure the shower was at a suitable temperature before I left the room.
"I'm sorry, I didn't bring any of your normal products," I said as I pointed towards the bottles on the small shelf. "You'll be okay using mine though, yeah?"
Bella nodded again, but she stood stock-still as a silent way of telling me to leave. I knew that Charlie always sat outside the room, and so I did exactly the same thing. A small smile curled across my lips when I heard the shower door close, and through the busy noise of the water, I heard as a bottle lid opened and then closed again a few seconds later.
Fifteen minutes after I'd closed the door, Luna let out a small yap. It wasn't loud enough to cause me distress, but I knew from the tone of the bark that Bella wanted my attention, and she'd asked Luna to do the honors.
I stood from the spot on the carpet and then poked my head around the door. Bella stood in the shower stall with a large towel wrapped tight around her body. Her damp hair hung in clumps over her shoulders, and the room had been filled with clouds of steam from the water.
"How can I help?" I asked.
Bella pointed a finger down to the ground, and that was when I noticed that I stupidly hadn't replaced the bath mat. I had taken the original one downstairs to get washed this morning, and it had been at the top of my to-do list to put a fresh one down. She must have been scared that she would lose her footing, or slip on the shiny tiles.
"I'm so sorry," I apologized. "Here, take my hand."
The lack of a bath mat, and the idea of failing to have a shower, was just another thing that added to the pressure of the night, and only made her condition worse.
0-0
Due to the unfortunate events that had happened earlier on that evening, Bella didn't fall asleep until ten-thirty that night. I knew that she'd stayed awake that late before, but on a normal day, if Bella was tired, she always went to bed at eight. I knew she was exhausted, but it simply wasn't possible for her to go to bed at that time.
I stayed with her, and stroked her hair gently as she fell asleep, but then I left Luna in charge and closed the door softly behind me. There were a few things that I needed to do, but the evening had also taken its toll on me, and I didn't waste any time in taking myself to bed. I'd sent Charlie a quick message saying that Bella had managed to have something to eat, and took a shower, but that I'd call him in the morning to reassure him that she was okay.
I sat the pillows up against the headboard and relaxed back as I pulled my laptop onto my lap. I had a few emails from work to answer, and I had to make sure I knew my schedule for the following day, but luckily I didn't have any deadlines until noon, and by that point Charlie would have taken Bella home. If she was still here then, of course. I had know idea what the rest of the evening was going to hold, and as I slipped into a peaceful sleep, I had no idea that my dreams were going to be interrupted so quickly.
I wasn't sure what it was that woke me up in the first place, but when I heard the glass-shattering screams mixed with the loud barks from Luna, I shot straight out of bed and ran into the spare room. I only wore a pair of pajama pants, but I doubt Bella would have noticed my bare chest, especially from the screams that filled the house.
The sight I witnessed as I entered the room would stay with me for the rest of my life.
Bella had sat straight up in bed, with the comforter in a ball toward one end of it. She had fistfuls of hair in both hands, and yanked on it hard as she let out the loudest screams I'd ever heard. Luna stood beside the bed, and gave me a look when I walked in. The expression in the dog's eyes was somewhat like a plea, begging me to save her owner. I imagined that Luna had already tried to lie down on the bed, but if Bella's arms and legs start flailing, it wasn't a safe space for anyone to be in.
"Hey, hey," I said calmly as I sat behind Bella and took her hands in my own. "You're okay, I'm here."
The screaming continued, and I was scared that Bella was going to pull out chunks of her hair if she didn't let the strands out of her grasp.
"Ssh," I whispered. "It was just a dream."
Suddenly the screaming stopped, and Bella turned her head ever so slightly so that I could see her face. Her eyes were open wide and she stared in the direction of the window, but the faraway look made it seem as though she wasn't taking any of it in.
"James," she said as clear as day. "James, please."
She was in a trance.
A trance so severe that I hadn't witnessed one like it in almost a year.
The mental block in her throat didn't exist when she was having an episode like this, and talking no longer appeared to be a problem.
"James isn't here, love. You'll never see him again," I replied with the hope that she'd hear me.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'll never do it again, please. Please, don't hurt me."
I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to answer her or not. The picture in her head wasn't real, but maybe she'd think James was talking if she heard me speak?
"No one's going to hurt you," I said quietly.
"Not the chain," Bella urged as she ripped her hands out from mine. She grabbed a hold of neckline of her t-shirt and began to pull at it, like the piece of clothing was the chain in her mind. "Don't strangle me, please."
I stayed silent and offered my comfort through gentle strokes and kisses on the back of her head.
"I'll do whatever you say, just don't strangle me," Bella's voice became louder and stronger the more she spoke.
It was the most I'd ever heard her say in one go, but unfortunately I never wanted her to repeat the words that left her mouth.
"No one's going to hurt you," I repeated.
"No! No! Stop!"
The sobbing stopped and was replaced with the labored panting. I tried to remove Bella's hands away from her neck, but the trance had also improved her strength, and it wasn't as easy as I'd first hoped. Her body vibrated as the tremor rippled through her, and in the split second her trance had turned into a panic attack.
"Listen to me, Bella," I urged as I quickly moved to sit in front of her. "Can you hear me talking?"
Her head wobbled backwards and forwards, and so I had no idea whether she'd answered me or not.
"If you can hear me, I want you to open your eyes."
A bead of sweat trickled down her forehead and dropped onto the bridge of her nose. Her cheeks were blushed puffed out as the attack increased. I didn't know what to do, and my phone was in the other room so I couldn't easily get it to phone for help. I had to get her breathing under control, but I had the added fear that the trance could return.
"Breathe, Bella," I said as I cupped one hand around her cheek. "Focus on your breathing."
I continued using the same technique for an additional five minutes, and then tried something else when I noticed that she'd slowly taken back control.
"Can you feel this?" I asked as I stroked a finger across her hand.
Bella blindly felt around for my hand, and tapped the finger that had been stroking her hand.
"Good, that's great!" I grinned. "Can you feel this?" my finger looped around some of the hair that hung beside her face.
Once again, like with the hand, she touched her hair.
"You're doing so well, beautiful."
Tears formed in my eyes as I noticed her improvement. I knew the episode was far from over, but her reactions alone were enough to make me cry.
"Ow," she moaned once the attack had subsided enough.
"What hurts?" I asked.
I'd half expected for her to touch her neck, or perhaps her throat, but she did something completely different.
"Ow," she moaned again and rubbed the right side of her forehead.
Had she hit her head before I came through?
"Where does it hurt, love? Can you show me?"
I couldn't see any red marks, or the start of a bruise, but then I thought that maybe a headache had formed from all the stress. It wouldn't have been the first time that that had happened.
"It hurts so bad, Edward. Help me."
That was when I knew that the trance had returned, but I couldn't work out why I was in it that time.
"Why does it hurt?" I asked carefully, unsure if I wanted to hear the answer or not.
It turned that no, I didn't want to hear the answer.
"Gun. Bang. Blood."
She'd imagined that she'd been shot, straight in the head.
I moved my hand up to where she fingers sat on her forehead, and rubbed the area gently.
"No one's shot you, and no one's hurt you. You're perfectly safe with me."
"Save me, Edward," Bella pleaded.
"I'm trying."
How did I help someone when they couldn't leave the world in their head? How did I prove to her that she hadn't been shot.
The tears that rimmed my eyes fell one by one. It was the hardest thing I'd ever witnessed, and I'd seen a lot in my time.
"Tell me how I can help you," I said with a broken voice.
Her eyes were screwed shut, and her head continued to wobble around. I took those signs, and did the only thing I thought could help.
"Can you open your eyes, love?" I asked.
"Too… real," she panted.
"It's not real," I replied. "I need you to open your eyes in order for me to help you."
She refused for a couple of minutes, but then slowly, very slowly, she opened her eyes.
"Can you see me?" I asked.
Bella blinked rapidly, to help her focus on the room, and then she nodded her head ever so slightly.
"Can you tell me how many fingers I'm holding up?" I had to make sure she wasn't still in the trance, and so I held three fingers up by my face.
"Th-three," she replied.
"Good, that's great," I smiled. "Now, I need you to tell me what I'm doing."
I closed the small distance between us and wrapped my arms around her shaking form. I didn't apply to much pressure to the hug, but it was enough that she hopefully knew what I was doing.
"Cuddle," Bella panted.
It took a short while for her to register the hug, but then her arms curled out from our embrace and she locked them around me.
"You're safe," I whispered.
"You… saved me."
"I'll always save you," I replied earnestly.
When I pulled away, I saw the pained expression that coated her face. Bella delicately raised one arm, and with a crooked finger she wiped the tears that were still on my cheeks. Her frown alone told me the question she wanted to ask.
"I was so scared. I didn't know what to do," I said honestly.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because you're important to me, and I wanted to help in any way that I could."
"You did," Bella gave me a faint smile, but it shined brightly in the dark room.
I wasn't sure whether or not to bring up James, but I think Bella knew it was a dream, and he hadn't hurt her, and he wasn't in the room. I also wasn't sure what his name would do to her, and so I focused on looking after her, and if Bella wanted to mention it, then I'd leave that up to her.
"Are you okay now?" I asked.
"Stay?" she replied.
"I'll stay until you ask me to leave."
0-0
We sat for a further ten minutes, mostly in silence. I'd stuck to my promise, and took the spare side of the bed, and once Luna had seen it was safe again, she also jumped up and curled her large body across our laps.
I helped Bella lie down and get settled, and that was when I noticed that I still didn't have a top on.
"Will you be okay if I run into my room to grab a t-shirt?" I asked as I pointed to my chest.
"Stay… it's okay," she whispered her reply.
I didn't know if she only said that so I didn't have to leave the room, but I knew that she'd let me know if it was really a problem for her. I decided to let that slide, and after I'd adjusted how Luna sat, I slipped my legs further down the bed and made myself comfortable.
I was almost certain that Bella was asleep again, because she hadn't made a sound in almost five minutes, but then she surprised me once again.
"Edward," she whispered.
"Yes?" I asked, unsure of whether she was actually talking to me, or if she'd mumbled in her sleep.
"You… have experience," she replied.
Experience? What did she mean by that? Experience with what?
"What do you mean, honey?" It was safer for me just to ask her.
"With… episodes," Bella muttered against my arm.
She knew about my issues with mental health, and it wasn't the first time that I'd mentioned it, but I'd never told her the real reason. I wasn't sure why I hadn't told her anything, but if Bella was the one to bring it up in conversation, then surely she felt okay to talk about it.
"I understand what you're going through," I confirmed. "I was diagnosed with it when I was thirteen, and so even though I understand, I have had the time to work my way around it."
"What happened?" she asked. Bella adjusted the way she lay and moved her body further up the headboard.
I stayed in the same position, and ran my fingers through Luna's fur; the same thing Bella did when she felt anxious or uncomfortable. It wasn't that I was anxious about talking about my life, especially not with her, but the story always left an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Nothing really set it off," I began. "I'd always been easy to wind up, and I'd be quick to react if something happened that I didn't like. Y'know, if Emmett tried to fight or something."
"Sibling… fights?"
"The very same. So it wasn't anything serious, but I reacted badly."
I remembered those days so clearly. I never thought of it as anything serious, but my parents had been watching my actions like a hawk.
"Carlisle picked up on the symptoms first, but he never said anything to me until he knew for sure," I continued. "Things only got worse as I grew older, and my head couldn't handle the changes in my body. I had my first panic attack when I entered high school and my schedule changed suddenly."
A schedule is a big thing for someone who suffers with a mental health condition. The change in your every day life can cause more harm than good.
"Was it… scary?" Bella asked in a whisper. I felt her hand trace over the round of my shoulder, and the gentle touch alone made everything ten times better.
"It was terrifying," I answered honestly. I saw no point in holding back the truth, especially as she knew what it felt like.
"I thought I was going to die, and I was certain that my chest was seconds away from exploding," my hand automatically rubbed over my chest like the pain had returned. "I couldn't understand what was happening to me, or why it was happening to me and no one else. I didn't realize how normal it was at the time. And that's why I've always had issues with new people, or leaving the bubble I'd built around myself."
"I'm sorry," she said. Her hand continued to stroke my shoulder.
I wanted to laugh. Bella was apologizing to me.
After everything she had been through, and she felt bad for me.
I suppose that just showed how large her heart is, and that despite James' best efforts, he couldn't take that away from her.
"Why are you saying sorry?" I asked.
"Because…" Bella paused for a second as she thought over her answer. "Because… you're too lovely… to hurt like that."
Was I hearing this right? Did she really just say that?
"Sweetheart," I let out a light snort as I moved up against the bed to sit beside her. I needed to look Bella directly in the eyes as I spoke what was going on in my head. "I wish you saw yourself clearer."
A frown curled between her eyebrows.
It was going to be harder than I first thought. I literally had to spell it out to her.
"You said I was too lovely to hurt like that, but you don't think you're the same?"
Instead of vocalizing her answer, Bella shrugged her shoulders.
She really had no idea how wonderful she really is.
"Anyone who experiences what you went through, and can come out as strong as you are, trumps me any day of the week."
"But it's… I don't…" she mumbled over her words.
I gave Bella all the time in the world, and after she thought over them for a second, she tried again.
"I can't be fixed."
"And why is that?" I asked.
I couldn't believe the absurdity of what I was hearing.
"I can't… enjoy normal things."
I wasn't sure how that answer tied in to the conversation, but I had a feeling that Bella had something playing on her mind, and if that was her way of telling me her troubles, then I wasn't going to be the one to put a stop to that. And so instead of asking her what she meant by that, a played a long as normal.
"You will enjoy those things, it'll just take a bit of time, love."
"I'll never… run right."
"With the help of the medication, and Luna, and us, you'll be as good as new in no time."
Bella let out a deep sigh, paused for a second, and then she snuggled up underneath the comforter. I stayed silent and watched as Bella turned over in the bed so that she faced me once again.
"Soft…" she said as she ran a finger over my flannel pajama pants.
It amazed me how comfortable she felt in my presence, especially seeing as I didn't have a shirt on. My head was a mess from the conversation we had recently shared, and the subtle touches weren't helping, but I was thankful that James hadn't forced that fear into her head. He had filled her with many, but at least that wasn't one of them.
"I wonder what Charlie would think if he saw this," I chuckled.
"I don't… think he'd mind."
I had to have been missing something, but what was it?
"You're sure about that?" I smirked, but I doubt she could have seen me in the dark. I felt like I had to joke about what her father would think.
"I don't want to… live with him forever."
Bella had subtly given me a bit more of a look into her troubled thoughts, but I still had to decode them.
"You won't - your living arrangements are only temporary at the moment, sweetheart."
"I hope so," she whispered.
I'd held off from asking her what the real issue was, but after I'd heard those answers, I needed to know exactly what she was thinking.
"What's wrong, love? What are you not telling me?"
I had just enough light to see as Bella took a lock of her hair and twirled it around one of her fingers. I felt guilty for making her react that way, and for potentially bringing the anxiety back into the front of her mind again, but I needed to know what she was thinking. Earlier on, in the midst of her panic attack, she'd begged me to save her. How was I supposed to do that if she wouldn't let me in? For me to help her, I had to know what was bothering her.
"I'm… lonely," she responded after a couple of minutes. "I have dreams… but they won't come true… anymore."
It broke my heart to hear that she felt lonely. It never even occurred to me that she could have felt lonely, especially when she only had the company of me and her father. Part of me thought that Bella didn't want to invite other people into her personal space, but apparently I was wrong. And the mention of lost dreams wasn't a surprise. I had dreams of my own which were hard to fulfil, so I knew that she would have been the same.
"What are your dreams?" I asked, with the intention of telling her mine, too.
"I wanted… a family. Someone who… loved me."
I'm glad she couldn't see the pain that flashed across my face. "You'll find that, sweetheart, I'm sure of it. If that's what you want, then nothing can stop you from getting it."
Bella rested her head against my arm, and out of instinct, I stroked back the hair that had fallen in front of her face. Something had changed over the course of the last thirty minutes, and I no longer held the same uncertainty when Bella used me as a pillow. The first time it had happened, when she snuck downstairs and we woke up in an interesting position, I was scared that it was going to cause a set back in her, but this had proved me wrong. She wanted to do it.
"Promise?" She broke the silence.
"Of course; you're ten times stronger than you think, and I promise that you'll get that dream."
Five minutes passed, and I knew that something was going on inside her, but I felt like I'd already asked too much. Bella hadn't been so open for a while, and with the night that we'd had, if that was all she was going to say, then I'd accept that.
But, because Bella is Bella, she surprised me once more.
I was almost asleep when she spoke again.
"I'll hold you… to that."
0-0
Bella's trance was intense, and difficult to write, but how do you feel after that conversation? She's getting there!
There will be another time jump in the next chapter, but if you'd like to read it then please leave me a review. They fuel me on!