Maggie smiled at Alex the next morning at breakfast – well it was a late breakfast as they slept in.
"Stop it," Alex said.
"Stop what?" Maggie asked.
"Staring at me."
"Oh, was I staring at you," Maggie smiled. "I guess I didn't realize that I was doing that."
"I think you did."
"Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Maybe I can't help myself," she said as she stood up and leaned across the table and kissed her. Alex eagerly returned the kiss.
"We literally just got out of bed," Alex said.
"And we can literally go back," Maggie said.
Alex paused a moment and then stood up, taking Maggie's hand as they ran back to her room.
…
The next few weeks were complete bliss for Maggie. Falling asleep next to Alex, holding the other woman in her arms, waking up there in Alex's bed. They still spent time apart but when they were together it was smiles, kissing, gentle touches and an intimacy she had never felt before in a relationship.
As messed up as their situation was, being with Alex felt natural.
Last night, they had been lying in bed together and Alex was drifting off to sleep and Maggie just watched her. It was something she had never experienced before – joy at just being there to see someone she cared about feel at such at ease next to her.
Neither had said the word love but Maggie knew she had completely fallen for the other woman. She didn't want to just randomly blurt it out though, so she planned a special evening for them.
That was the date she was currently getting ready for.
This time she would be dressed better for it than the first time they sort of went out.
She wanted to not just tell Alex that she loved love her, she wanted to show her too.
Coming on this trip – it was an escape for her of sorts, but even so she hadn't envisioned that she would ever find love. She had come to the conclusion a long time ago that love wasn't in the cards for her. Even with building her cabin – it was small, it wasn't meant to be a shared space.
While she knew that Alex and her would be alone together on this ship until the end of their lives, that prospect no longer filled her with the dread it once did.
Maybe for the first time, she didn't feel the loneliness that had plagued her throughout her life.
That is why she wanted tonight to be special.
…
Alex was getting ready for her date with Maggie with mixed feelings. The last few weeks had been amazing – spending time with Maggie, every time she looked at her and saw that dimple-filled smile and it had been the greatest sex she had ever had.
But she still felt like there was this gaping hole in knowing Maggie.
Every time she tried to delve deeper into Maggie's background she got rebuffed.
She felt like it was keeping her from fully committing to the relationship. She was beginning to think that it was not Maggie – but her. Maybe she had expectations that were excuses to keep her from committing.
The problem was she had never actually had a committed relationship. She was more used to one-night stands or short-lived relationships that didn't amount to anything.
She realized she was used to sharing everything with her sister, but never with a partner. Maybe she was the problem.
Was she making this thing with Maggie not being open a thing just to keep herself from going to the next level with her?
That is why she was conflicted about tonight. She wished she could stop these thoughts in her head and just enjoy the evening.
…
Maggie didn't understand what this vibe was that she was getting from Alex, but it was beginning to make her rethink telling her that she loved her tonight. She wasn't even sure what it was. I mean on the outside things seemed to be going well, but then Maggie would sense this hesitation or something from Alex – she wasn't even sure how to describe it.
But she knew she couldn't just ignore it.
"What's wrong?" she asked as they were finishing up their meal.
"What? Nothing's wrong."
"I think I know you well enough by now to know something isn't quite clicking with you tonight," Maggie said. "Whatever it is, just say it."
"Can we go somewhere else and talk?"
"Sure," Maggie said, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.
They ended up going back to Alex's suite and they did so in complete silence. Alex took a seat on the couch when they got in, but Maggie remained standing.
"I've never been in a real relationship before," Alex said. "Like I have been, but not serious you know. I've never made it to this stage like I have with you."
"Ok," Maggie said, unsure where this was going. "My dating history isn't that great either."
"It's more than that," Alex said. "I don't let people get that close to me, and I feel like you are close to me in that way, but I don't feel the same way about you. I feel like I don't really know you because you never talk about your past. I mean you talk but only about certain parts of your life. It's like you are holding back."
Maggie took a breath when Alex said this and released it slowly. She came over and sat beside Alex, taking her hand in hers.
"You know tonight, I wanted to take you out and give you a special night because … because I wanted to tell you that I love you," Maggie said. "I have fallen in love with you and you're not wrong, I do hold back, but it's not a reflection of you or how I feel about you. It's just my childhood … it didn't end well would be one way to put it and so I don't talk about it. I try not to think about it because you see I came on this trip all by myself because I had no one but me. My family, I don't even know if they know I took this trip, but I'm certain they didn't care that I did. We stopped being a family a long time ago. This new world we were going to – I was hoping it would be a fresh start away from all of that. And given how your father died, I admit that only made me more reluctant to speak to you about my past."
"What does how my father died have to do with it?"
"You've heard of the Brethren of Our Time?"
"That crazy cult out in Nebraska … Oh," Alex said as she made the connection. "You were part of that."
"Born into it, but not really a part of it," Maggie said. "I don't follow their ideals and I'm not offended that you called them a crazy cult, they are. But my father is or was one of the elders as was my grandfather before him. My grandfather still held the seat when your father died."
She didn't say anything else as she let Alex absorb this information. Alex let go of her hand and stood up. She paced back and forth several times and Maggie kept her eyes on the floor. She never talked about her past in general, but she had made a concerted effort not to bring it up with Alex because of this.
"Were you, did you take part in the protests?" Alex asked finally.
"When I was younger, I was dragged to a couple, forced to hold those stupid signs," she said. "But no, I wasn't involved in any of the protests you are talking about. I wasn't there at your father's funeral, but it's possible that my family was – I don't know for certain. I had been kicked out of the church, from my family, from my home a couple of months before the Daxamite invasion."
Alex remembered her father's funeral well. They buried an empty casket where she, Kara and her mother had each placed an item in it for him. Alex had chosen a microscope – the first one she ever used. It had been her father's and he had given it to her when she was a child and first showed an interest in science.
Outside of the gated cemetery there were law enforcement officers holding a line so protesters wouldn't bother them. Alex had glanced at them as they were leaving the cemetery and she remembered seeing these people who looked so angry at her, holding signs that said things like "They all deserved their deaths," and "This is what happens when you meddle in God's plan." She had asked her mother about them later on and her mother had simply said that some people don't believe in science, don't believe in exploration and that only God should reach for the stars. Not satisfied with the answer, Alex had done some research on the group once she found out their name. She learned more about them and the more she did, the more she hated them.
They were just the kind of people who had brought the Earth to the brink because they didn't believe in things like birth control and didn't believe a woman should have the right to decide what to do with her own body. They thought that everyone should live as God intended and for them that meant a way of life that was built on an old-fashioned set of ideals. Women there didn't have positions of powers in their governing counsels. Women were expected to tend to the home and children and that was it. They thought the Daxamite invasion was God's punishment for humanity for exploring space.
Alex sat back down next to Maggie. "Why were you kicked out?"
"Isn't obvious?" Maggie said giving her a half-smile.
"You don't have tell me if it is too painful," Alex said suddenly. "I shouldn't have asked."
"It's fine," Maggie said. "I'm not upset you asked. I just want to know you are ok, or at least as much as you can be now that you know where I come from."
"I don't blame you or anything, if that is what you think," Alex said "Even if you had been there at my dad's funeral, you were still just a young teenager. You said it yourself that you don't follow their ideals."
"I do not," Maggie said. "I don't think I ever really did. It's hard to say. You grow up in that environment and it's the only thing you know. You are told day in and day out how you are supposed to be, who you are supposed to be. Remember when I told you that I repaired that lawn mower for my dad?"
"Yeah."
"He wasn't happy about it at all. He yelled and yelled at me because I had done something that in his mind should have only been done by a male. Women weren't supposed to do things like fix machinery. That was a man's job. I was a constant disappointment to him growing up and I think it started the moment I was born because I was a woman. He needed a son to carry on the family legacy. He needed a son to be an elder after him. But my mom couldn't get pregnant again after me and so I bore the brunt of their disappointment in that," she said. "But my cardinal sin, the one that got me kicked out at the age of 14 was liking girls. Homosexuality, big no no with the brethren. I had this crush on another girl and I made the mistake of telling her in a note. And she took that note to her mother, who took it to my father and that was it for me. He told me to pack a bag and we got in the car and he drove and drove not saying a word. I tried to talk to him but he just remained silent. We pulled up in front of this house that I had never seen before and this woman comes out and she has this look of shock and confusion on her face. I had no idea who she was, but my father leads me up to her and simply says, "this is your niece Margaret. Take her or don't. What happens to her after this day is no longer a concern of mine." Then he turns and starts walking back to the car and this woman starts yelling at him, asking him how could he do this and he just ignored her too and got in his car and drove off. That was the last time I ever saw my father. I never even got to say goodbye to my mother, she had just been in the living room of our house crying when my dad dragged me out."
"That's horrible," Alex said. "I can't even imagine what that was like for you."
"It was the defining moment of my life, I mean until I woke up early here," Maggie said, trying to lighten the mood a little.
"This woman was your aunt?"
"Yeah," Maggie smiled. "I don't know what I would have done without her. She never thought twice about taking me in even though I was a stranger to her. I didn't find out until later on that she too had grown up in the church, but the moment she turned 18 she left. That was actually the only time my dad, her brother, had spoken to her since she had left. Once you are out of that environment, you are out for good. It's like you no longer exist to them."
"That's why your family doesn't know you are out here?"
"I wrote my mom a letter before I left and sent it, but whether she ever got it or even bothered opening it, I have no way of knowing. Chances are dad saw it first and trashed it before it ever reached her hands. I don't even know if they were still alive, that is how much I don't know about their lives. I knew when I woke up after what I thought would be the end of this journey that they would dead. I assume my dad's seat as an elder was passed on to a different family, but who knows. Maybe the church has disbanded by now although I doubt it. They are fanatical," Maggie said. "The first week or so at my aunt's were full of silence and crying on my part. She was nothing but kind to me, but it was probably three or four days before I could tell her what happened without breaking down. She never judged me though. Never told me that being this was wrong. She loved me unconditionally. When she passed away, I didn't even bother sending a letter to my dad. My aunt always said they were the ones who turned their backs first, so if they wanted things to be different it had to be their choice. She told me I didn't owe them anything and neither did she."
"Your cabin on the planet, it's based on her house?"
Maggie nodded. "It was the first place that ever really felt like home. I mean she didn't care if I took apart an engine in her garage as long as I cleaned up after myself. She encouraged me to pursue mechanical engineering. She said when you have a passion for something you shouldn't let the world tell you that you shouldn't."
"She sounds like a wonderful person. I'm glad you had her in your life."
"She was more of a parent to me than my parents ever were and I know how lucky I am to have found that," Maggie said.
Alex took her hand in hers this time and leaned over to give her a kiss. "Thank you for sharing this with me."
"You're welcome," Maggie said. "And since we're in the realm of sharing, can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"You said something before, when you were upset and drunk that day, you said you weren't even supposed to be here, what did you mean by that?"
….
Alex looked at Maggie once she asked the question.
"I don't remember saying that."
"You were pretty drunk," Maggie said. "But somehow I think you meant it."
"When this trip first came up, I was going but then I later told Kara and Lena that I changed my mind, that I didn't want to go," she said with a slight shrug. "I was going to stay on Earth despite its numerous problems and die alone I guess."
"Why? I mean everything you ever said about Kara, it's like you can't imagine being a part from her," Maggie said.
"After my mom died, I was in a real bad place," Alex said. "Kara and I were going through the house we grew up in, packing up stuff, and going through everything and deciding what to do about it. I had found an older tablet of my mom's and I turned it on. There was a bunch of family photos on it and there was also a batch of old messages on it – messages from my dad to my mom when he would be away. I started going through them in my free time – you know see a glimpse of my parents' interactions. And that is when I found the message that turned my world upside down."
"You see, my dad wasn't supposed to be on the Nautilus and after it was destroyed, I asked my mom about it because I knew he wasn't supposed to come home for another month. We talked via vids every day so if he was coming home he would have mentioned it," Alex continued. "My mom told us that he had gotten called back early for work."
Alex paused.
"But that's not what happened?" Maggie asked.
Alex shook her head and brushed away a tear that started to fall. "According to the message I found, my dad was coming back to surprise me by coming to my science presentation. He knew I was bummed that he couldn't be there and I had even asked him the month before if he could be home for it because he had already come back once to go to one of Kara's dance recitals. I thought if he could come back for Kara, surely he could come back for me, but he told me it wasn't possible. Yet he had decided to come back and not tell me because he wanted it to be a surprise. He wouldn't have been on the Nautilus if it hadn't have been so selfish."
"You can't blame yourself for that."
"But I did," Alex said. "And I just sort of spiraled out of control after that. I informed Kara that I wouldn't be going with them and she tried to talk me out of that decision, tried to find out why I was changing my mind. The more she pushed, the more I withdrew and the more I collapsed into a cycle of bad decisions. I went out to clubs every night, drank too much, had more than one regrettable one-night stands, called off from work due to hangovers and in general was doing everything I could to keep myself from dealing with what I now knew about my father. I didn't tell Kara, I just kept it all inside. In fact, I avoided Kara like the plague during this time."
"What changed, because obviously something did?"
"While I worked for the government, I did some small consulting work for LutherCorp, but when this happened I quit right in the middle of a project that Lena was leading. I didn't even tell her directly, just sent a message to the project manager. I also skipped out of work that day and started drinking before noon," Alex said. "I don't know that I had it in my mind to really do myself harm or anything, I just didn't care what happened to me. It was Lena who found me passed out on the floor of my bathroom, my apartment door partly open and unlocked. Lena spent the next couple of days caring for me – sobering me up, making sure I was hydrated and ate something. She never asked me anything over those two days – never passed judgement."
"Anyway, after I was sobered up and feeling better, she let Kara come see for the first time. I didn't even know that Kara knew what kind of state I was in or that it was Lena who asked her to stay away for those two days. Kara came in and Lena was still there and Kara asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to tell her about dad so I spent the first hour just trying to deflect, but then it all came out – how dad was coming home to surprise me and how if he hadn't he would still be alive and it was all my fault."
Alex fell silent again.
"You know it's not your fault, don't you?" Maggie said.
"Kara said something very similar to me that day," Alex said. "She never once blamed me. I never really thought she would. That wasn't the problem. The problem was I blamed myself. That is why I was going to stay, I just couldn't come up here, be in space like that because … because he died up here. We never had a body to bury because it was destroyed along with everyone else aboard the Nautilus. I felt like if I came up here with Kara, that if something happened to her it would be my fault. I was scared of making another selfish decision that would cost someone their life. Then I woke up here and I couldn't find a way to save us, and I started to spiral again."
"Yes, but you pulled yourself out of it."
"But I didn't," Alex said. "You pulled me out of it. Without you, I don't know what I would have done."
Maggie leaned in and kissed her. "You saved me first."