Team 7 centric. No bashing. Kind of crack?

Naruto: Is being manipulated

Sasuke: Is being stalked

Sakura: Is being fought over in a custody battle

Kakashi: Is trying to do damage control before it's too late

Hey remember when I wrote stuff?

Me neither!

Sasuke POV, Forest of Death…

Sasuke limped through the forest, feeling an odd mix of self-satisfaction and all consuming rage.

Well he was also in pain but that wasn't too important.

The rage was actually fairly normal all things considered. He was almost always angry, well either angry or in a state of mad worship for Jashin-sama. There really was no in between for him.

But while his normal rage state was normally dedicated towards Itachi for the crime of existing (and also family murder) and occasionally his team mates, in this case his rage was more directed at himself and this entire stupid forest.

Stupid exam. Stupid grass genin. Stupid heretics.

He stopped at a tree to sit down and breathe for a moment. Oh he had absolutely slaughtered those disgusting heretics worshipping their dumb snake god. Orochi or something like that. It didn't really matter although he did make a note to hunt down every member of these snake worshippers and wipe their disgusting religion off the face of the world.

It was the least a holy man (child) like himself could do to make the world a better place.

He grunted and stared at the object tucked under his arm. Specifically, his arm tucked under his arm. Sasuke then proceeded to glare at the stump where said arm used to hang and wished he was able to stitch it back on with only one hand.

Really he wasn't worried about dying or anything silly like that, he was immortal after all! But he was worried about passing out from blood loss. He didn't think that his immortality would protect him from that. Oh he'd probably survive it, but it would mean that his body would be laying in the middle of these forsaken woods for a few days until someone found him. He most certainly did not want to wake up missing more limbs than he already was.

Still at least he'd successfully killed those dumb Sound genin. It had been more than a little satisfying to see them start panicking after stabbing him in the heart with a kunai didn't kill him, neither did the one in his skull, or the one in his gut. Honestly they had put a lot of holes in him but since he was immortal it was fine.

No wonder Naruto let himself get killed all the time. Screwing with people like that was just plain fun.

But back onto the topic of those damn non-believers...

How dare they try and convert him to their false idol. HIM! Jashin's most loyal follower and greatest influence on this world! (As far as he knew anyway) How dare they or anyone else attempt to convert him to some heretical false religion?!

Well when this dumb exam was over with he'd show them! They were sound genin weren't they? Yeah, they had that dumb musical note on their headbands of course they were. That was a good place to start hunting these guys down. And for good measure he'd kill anyone who looked like a snake along the way!

Also actual snakes. It only made sense.

Sasuke probably sat there for about an hour, truthfully he would have loved to take the opportunity to get some proper rest and sleep but that was probably a bad idea at the moment. If he passed out now, who knew how long it was going to be before he woke up again?

Forcing himself to his feet and allowing himself a relieved grunt to find they did not hurt quite as much as they did earlier he started walking again. First things first, find his sword. He honestly had no idea where it had landed so he was just following the general path of destruction the wind jutsu that had sent him flying left in its wake.

Truth be told that kind of power in a jutsu was somewhat… terrifying. He hadn't been able to do anything against it. All his immortality, the powers he had gained through his worship… had been nothing in the face of that power.

There had to be a way around that. He supposed his immortality did give him the advantage that no matter how many strong jutsu got thrown at him he could just keep getting back up. But waiting for his opponent to get chakra exhaustion before something went wrong on his end was just bad form.

The Jashinist shook his head. Eyes on the target not the horizon or however that saying went. First he needed to get his sword back, then he needed to get out of this dumb forest and then he could start figuring out how to deal with larger jutsu.

Hmm… maybe that suspiciously pineapple shaped ponytail sticking out of a bush could help him find it…

Smiling to himself he directed himself to the bush that Team Ten was trying (and failing) to hide behind.

Naruto POV, Forest of Death…

"And that's when I realized that cults are probably bad. Thanks for listening by the way I normally talk to Sasuke about this stuff but I haven't been able to find him. Although I don't think he really listens it still feels good to get it off my chest. Does that make sense to you?" Naruto rambled to his current company as they trudged through the forest.

"Complete sense Naruto. Cult mentality has a way of corrupting an individual's ability for rational thought as all your decisions are first filtered through the belief set ingrained by the cult's teachings. The fact you managed to break this mindset all on your own speaks miles to the integrity of your character." Light seemed to flash off the human's glasses in an odd way. It was actually a bit impressive. Naruto wondered if Sakura was able to do that with her glasses?

"Ah shucks, Kabuto you're going to make me blush." Naruto gushed. "I mean I meant more if talking to Sasuke without him really listening to me made sense but I'm glad you agree with the whole cult issue I had going on. I'm gonna have to go talk to my minions when this exam is over."

Kabuto nodded sagely. "Minions have always been the underappreciated measure of evil. The hardworking jobbers to the mighty evil mastermind, the underappreciated lesser evils to the all consuming might that is their leader. Although given your recent attempts at redemption I'm not sure minions are the proper term anymore."

"Wow you made another good point Kabuto!" Naruto cheered pleasantly. He was incredibly lucky he had run into Kabuto a little while after his initial breakdown, the longtime genin was proving to be a well of helpful advice and information. He was learning so much!

"But if they aren't my minion anymore then what should they be… oh! I'm trying to be a better person so maybe I should completely change my image!" Naruto concluded smacking a fist into his palm for emphasis.

"Image is the modern equivalent of rhetoric and charisma. Those who project a good image of themselves can change opinions in incredible ways." Kabuto helpfully explained to the demon boy. "But it is a double edged sword. An action or even a mistake that goes against the image you present could damage your image and turn public opinion against you. Public opinion is nearly impossible to get back once you lose it."

"Really?" Naruto asked, "Well is there any way to get it back?" Pulling himself momentarily from his thoughts on what his own image should be to ask the question.

"Hmmm sort of." Kabuto started. "It might be impossible to win back the opinions you have already lost but the fact is that your initial image cannot have reached everyone it has and you somehow managed to turn all those people against you then it's fairly obvious you don't deserve to have their attention in the first place but that's beside the point. No what you need to do is find a way to reach a new audience to influence away from the negative viewpoints of your original."

"Well how do you do that?" Naruto pressed, eager to hear. After all he was viewed in a negative light right now due to his demonic origins and past actions.

"I have it from firsthand experience of a close friend that moving to a new country and making an animated TV show will do wonders for it." Kabuto smiled fondly at the apparent memory, pausing to stare off into space.

Naruto stopped walking too so not to move too far ahead. Nothing happened for a few moments. "Kabuto?" Naruto asked, waving a hand in front of the boy's glasses trying to get a response from him. "Are you alright?"

Kabuto blinked after a few moments. "What? Oh I'm sorry I was having a flashback." Kabuto laughed and waved off Naruto's concern.

"You were?" Naruto asked in surprise. "Why didn't you just you Flashback no Jutsu so I could see it too?"

"I apologize, I don't know the technique, maybe I'll learn it someday and then I can show it to you. Or maybe you'll meet my friend and he can show it to you. I know for a fact that he is familiar with the technique." Kabuto explained cheerfully.

"That sounds great!" Naruto smiled back. "But back to what I should do… huh, well I don't want to move to another country anytime soon, I want to at least try to change opinions here in Konoha for the time being…"

"A noble pursuit I'm sure no one will fault you for Naruto." Kabuto patiently responded as they began walking again. "Nobility has had many definitions over the years, historically describing those with wealth and monetary power over the general masses. Although in the more modern era, it has begun to describe those with positive intentions. Those with a desire to help people and make the world a better place are said to be "noble." More commonly these people may be known as heroes."

"Hero huh…" Naruto thought out loud. "If I made myself a hero I could turn my minions into sidekicks… yeah that could work!" His spirits raised for a moment before crashing back down a bit. "Oh, but if I became a hero then I would have to hide my identity and if people don't know it's me trying to make up for my crimes…"

"Why do they have to know it's you?" Kabuto asked.

Naruto opened his mouth to explain exactly why everyone needed to know who he was and why he was helping people and held it open for a moment before closing it. The bespectacled boy had a point! Why did people need to know he was making up for his crimes? Kabuto's earlier point about public opinions returned to him, once people had a negative viewpoint it was nearly impossible to change their mind away from that negative opinion.

"You're right!" Naruto decided. "I don't need to change people's opinions to be doing the right thing! I just need to do the right thing! As long as I am repenting for my crimes, why does it matter if people know I am or not!" He shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe it never occurred to me!"

"Repenting for past deeds typically has religious connotations." Kabuto pointed out pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Normally those who repent desire to have their crimes absolved in some way typically in the eyes of a deity or in the eyes of the community. In your case I'm not sure who you are trying to repent to, those you killed? Those left behind? Yourself? A higher power of some sort? Whatever the case your desire to do better and make up for crimes is very real and it is in the end up to you to decide how to go about doing so."

Naruto stared in awe at Kabuto before shaking his head and sticking his arms behind his head as they walked. "Wow Kabuto you're so smart! I can't believe you haven't become a chunin yet! You're so cool!"

"Thank you Naruto but I assure you my body temperature is completely normal for a human being." Kabuto smiled placatingly at the blond demon.

"Ya know Kabuto, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship!"

Anko POV, Forest of Death…

Anko had been having a weird day.

Not necessarily a bad one.

But a weird one.

Oh it had started off normally enough, jump in front of the kiddie genin, show off how cool she was, lead them to next exam and then just keep an eye on things and eat dango for the next five days or however long it took for all the teams to either die or get to the tower. Whichever came first really.

This had been the plan, but it had gone to hell even before first contact with the enemy.

It had started with the pink one. The pink haired girl who apparently had some sort of split personality disorder or something. She had recognized her when she saw her. Anko couldn't remember where she had seen this girl before, but it made something well up inside of her chest and she didn't know how to deal with it.

In fact it had been so distracting that she had gone to the Yamanaka's as soon as she let loose the little monsters at the start of the second stage of the Chunin exam. Figuring a nice quick jutsu fueled therapy session would sort everything out and let her proctor in peace.

Unfortunately she had to sit there and wait for the clan head to deal with the poor suicidal…bo-... gir-... person before she could have her own session. She didn't know all the details about that one but apparently Kakashi had killed their only real role model in life and they were now in a depressive funk that everyone around them was desperately trying to pull them out of.

But during her own session Inoichi had stopped short, gotten a funny look on his face and looked her dead in the eye and told her she had nine months worth of repressed memories in her head that were now starting to bubble to the surface for some reason.

Well it became VERY OBVIOUS what happened during those nine months pretty quickly.

Her eyes quickly shifted to her god damn daughter before shifting back to her former mentor-turned traitor-turned giant fuck snake monster.

That brief shift in attention nearly got her killed as a rain of snakes came down on her and tried to rip her limbs off.

Seriously what the hell had her teacher become? He was a giant snake MADE OF SNAKES. She was a snake summoner herself and loved the little dears but this was enough to give most people Ophidiophobia.

"What the heck happened to you!" She screamed as she jumped away as the giant mouth tore through a tree branch that was 4 meters thick.

"Well I turned myself into a giant ssssssnake creature in order to help further my immortality resssssearch Anko, I thought that would be obviousssss. I know you're sssssmarter than this dear." The giant snake shook its head in shame.

"Fuck's sake." She swore under her breath and flashed through hand seals as she unleashed a fire jutsu creating walls of flame around the area they were in. Maybe not the best idea in a forest but it kept them contained and the smoke would hopefully let some of her underling proctors know something was up. Seriously, what kind of genin could pull off jutsu like this?

(A few leagues away Gaara sneezed, and accidentally crushed the pathetic humans he had been torturing)

"Controlling the battlefield! I'm ssssso proud of you Anko! I'm glad to ssssee my lessssssonssss sssstuck to you even after all thissss time!" Orochimaru complimented her.

"Are you kidding me!" She roared in anger. "You abandoned me! You gave me this disgusting seal! Experimented on and murdered innocent people! All to become a giant snake monster!"

"Okay the firsssst thing I take full resssponsssiblity for." Orochimaru admitted stopping his assault and pulling back a bit, curling his tail into a bit of a circle underneath him. "That wasssss completely my fault and I'm sssssorry for that."

Anko stared at him dumbfounded, this was not at all how this meeting had gone in her head all the times she planned it out. Of course it had gone off the rails from the start considering her FUCKING DAUGHTER WAS SITTING ON A TREE ROOT OVER THERE! Speaking of which she glanced over at the girl.

Yep that pink hair and green eyes matched the baby she remembered. She had a vague recollection of "Mini-Mito" as Orochimaru had called her as a baby though if she remembered correctly from the exam roster her name was now Sakura/Inner/Lucy/Missy/Akuma. That was something she was going to have to figure out. Oh, look how big she'd gotten, and covered in blood too! Already making her first kills! Sweet God of Logs was that pride welling up inside her right now?

Shifting her focus back to her former teacher she steeled herself and glared hard. "Well gee Orochimaru-sensei, apology accepted! For abandoning me. What about all your other crimes?"

"Look if you want to achieve your goalssss ssssometimesss you have to break a few eggsssss." The snake seemed to roll its eyes. Before continuing with a more thoughtful tone. "Although in thissss casssse the breaking isssss murder. And the eggssss were children."

"You're a psycho you know that?" Anko deadpanned at him.

"Sssssociopath actually." Orochimaru countered. "And doesssss it really matter? Oh sure I'm a horrible wanted criminal here for crimes against children but in my new village I am beloved by all the children!"

Both Anko and her clone-daughter stared at the snake ninja. "I'm sorry but how?"

"I have a hit TV show! It'sssss at the top of the ratingssssss!"

Flashback no Jutsu

*Propaganda Music Starts*

"The adventures of… OROCHIMARU!~"

"Written and directed by… OROCHIMARU!~"

"Made by animators-who-volunarily-left-their-families-and-refused-payment out of their love of… OROCHIMARU!~"

"OROCHIMARU!~"

"Orochimaru…~"

*End of Propaganda Music"

"In today's episode: Snakes are great and leaves fall bad!"

End of Flashback no Jutsu

"Of courssse it issss alsssso the only thing on television sssso I ssssupossse that makessss the ratingssss a bit biassssed." Orochimaru admitted reluctantly.

"And children watch this?" Anko asked, shocked.

"They love it!" Orochimaru confirmed cheerfully. "Mini-Mito! You like the sssssound of it don't you!"

"I JUST WANT THIS TO BE OVER!" The pink haired girl sobbed into her hands. Oh no she was traumatized. Shit, Anko was having trouble with her own trauma. How was she supposed to help her daughter get over it too?

"Well that'ssss rude. Anko, you're technically her mother, you should really teach her ssssome mannersss." Orochimaru complained.

"Sure I do." She agreed with her former teacher. "Let me show her the proper method for dealing with deadbeat teachers." The special jonin leaped at the giant snake, her own arms turning into snakes to attack the bigger snake.

The Snake Wars had begun.

Hiruzen POV, Hokage's Office…

Hiruzen Sarutobi was busy. This was normal. Paperwork as always, the only thing that made it stand out was the extra workload having the chunin exams in his village caused, but he had done it before and was more than capable of doing it again.

The window then exploded as a Sand Jonin (one with an actual name!) crashed through it, tied up and looking like he'd spent a few hours in T&I, which was unlikely considering the T&I division was currently taking care of the children taking the exam.

The Third Hokage paused at that thought. Shit how he missed that? Really was not the best decision, come to think of it. Oh well, it was too late now.

Then Kakashi came through the window and landed on top of the Sand ninja, (Baki?) and looked… actually quite panicked, that was both unusual and very concerning.

"Lord Hokage! I have terrible news! And also need help with a more personal matter but first-" The copy ninja was cut off before he could continue as the door burst open and one of the jobber Chunin the Hokage had running most of the tower, came running out of breath.

"Lord Third! Anko ran into the forest of death for some reason and now like a fourth of it is on fire!"

"She did what?" Hiruzen questioned, unable to keep his shock out of his voice. He had hoped his trust in Anko despite the actions of her teacher had not been misplaced but…

He checked his crystal ball, ignoring Kakashi as he tried to regain his attention, whatever it was, it probably wasn't too important.

He found Anko easily enough and quickly assured her loyalty.

It seems his wayward student had come home.

I have been waiting since chapter 4 to make that Adventures of Kim Jon Un reference.

So, I know its been awhile.

A long while.

*ahem*

I have been coming back though! Those following me and not just the story will know I updated Lightman Legacy last week! But since only like thirty-forty people read it I'm sure most of you don't know I'm trying to make a comeback!

This is my second update in the past two weeks so I think it's making progress. I won't let myself say I'm back for good until I get a third update out next week.

As for why I return now, well I hinted at it in my note for Lightman Legacy but since it's rated K+ I didn't want to go into it because that channel was VERY NSFW…

Anyone remember Unus Annus? A channel that lasted a year, made by Markiplier and CrankGameplays. If you only had a year to live what would you do?

Well the channel ended last friday and as I watched the seconds tick down to zero it hit me. I wrote a lot of stories and here they all are, barely touched and all but abandoned. Could I really live with leaving them like that until I die?

So I'm trying to get things done now rather than later, because for all I know there might not be a later! Death may be inevitable but hey we got time! Let's make some memories and do some stuff!

I'm not going to go into reviews cause there's a two year backlog and and I don't know how to even start with that but I will address the last Guest review

This story got stolen! HAHA YES!

Someone on Ao3 copied this story and posted it under the name Village Fools, taking out my bottom notes and that's it. As for why I'm excited about it? Well I was kinda pissed, still am actually, but words from a friend of mine stuck around.

"If someone actually bothers to steal your story, that means you wrote something good enough to steal, it's a compliment!"

So anyway, I left a passive aggressive review and messaged Ao3 about it being stolen, they must've seen my review cause they deleted it a few weeks later. And Ao3 got back to me like 6 months after that.

Yeah, their support ain't that great.

Anyway I'm almost back but I want to get something out next week. A part of me wants to hit Gone Ghost but well the next chapter for that is probably the closest to a finale it's getting anytime soon (not the actual ending but the planned end is so far out and it's only at the end of season one so IDK) so there's a bit of pressure there I'm not sure I'm ready to fight through yet.

Until next time folks!

~FriTik

R&R