CW: drug use, alcohol abuse/alcoholism, canon-typical violence, eating disorders, past childhood sexual abuse, past emotional abuse, dissociation, panic attacks

Toni was in her room looking at a photo of herself on some rag. She felt an odd sense of disconnection. It was her in the photo of course but it also seemed wrong. Her hair was long, her clothes tighter than she liked, her lips were always scarlet and she was smiling. She didn't care how many pictures of her were drunk; it didn't even feel like they were of her, even though she knew logically they were. It was what she looked like stumbling into the house at night, Obie liked the look and all her fellow dumb rich kids liked it too.

She let everyone have what they wanted. It was what she was good at. If everyone at least seemed to have fun with her to as a drunk slut well fuck them she'll be the best mindless airhead. If you take enough Xanax and drink enough booze nothing matters anymore. She could smash lips with anybody who asked, or didn't and just did it anyway. Everyone wanted to be friends with her, she had all the free stuff anyone could want.

She remembered one night she was stumbling to the car. She wasn't exactly in the mood at the moment to deal with much of anything. But the guy was cute she guessed and he leaned on the wall blocking her movements. She pouted, ugh what did he want.

He got close to her and leaned over,

"Looks like you're crashing hard."

Toni shivered when his hot breath brushed her ear. And his hand closed on her arms.

"If you come with me we can have a good time. Put you back in a good place, you look like you could use a refresher."

He was right though about her feeling like shit at that moment she was pissed off. So she did something she didn't remember deciding to do when his lips graced her neck. She shoved the heel of the shoe was carrying into his side and kneed him in the gut.

"Fuck off." She hissed. Toni then groaned as she saw a lens flare. Leaning on the wall her heart pounded as she thought of the fallout.

Obie did not like that behaviour and blamed it on her drug problem. To be fair she hadn't exactly noticed how often she was popping pills till the tabloids started running stories of how the loss of parents weather triggered an addiction or that they had been ragging on her money-wasting druggie lifestyle. But honestly the only shit she was using was painkillers and her own medications. Everything hurt all the time, why shouldn't she try to escape?

Mainly the pain was in her head. But Obie was being rougher so she was in physical pain too. And when it did go too far she had to clean it up herself now. Not to mention just everything hurt all the time for no good goddamn reason. After having to put herself back together after Obie tore her apart she figured she might as well have fun in the patchwork body she'd built.

She was doing that very thing at a party half passed out on the couch watching some rich fucks wreck their ATVs out the windows. Some girl with dirty blond hair and grey-blue eyes stood in front of her, looking really angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No. but we might've met when I was too strung out to remember." Toni shrugged

"Oh is that your excuse for fucking my boyfriend!" She shouted.

Toni flinched at the noise, some anxiety pushing through the haze.

"You're really fucking with my ability to relax" Toni muttered,

"I don't care. Did You sleep with my boyfriend or not? I want an answer."

The girl literally stomped her foot.

"Ugh look, the only person I've fucked in the past year is definitely not your boyfriend unless he is very old. I might have made out with him though, possibly light grinding, but no like actually fucking. But just fuck off already, I don't wanna do this.."

Toni was legitimately surprised when the girl's fist slammed into her nose blood dripped down her face to her tongue. It didn't hurt as much as it should though, apparently, her concoction was effective at numbing her out she wiped her face with her sleeve.

"I'm sorry if I did make out with him. I wouldn't actually knowingly fuck someone else's boyfriend okay? Just leave me alone please" Toni said looking up and the angry girl, Toni tried to place the girl through her fuzzy memory.

"Fine okay. You're clearly too messed up to know, and I've done stupid shit. I'm gonna go find who did though, probably punch them too though." She scoffed then turned around and left.

Then it hit Toni, she was in that kid's show, Patsy. Glad to not be done with that Toni sat back on the ridiculously expensive leather that was stained by trust fund kids' vomit and cum. She just wished everyone would stop. Why can't she just check out in peace?

~~~~~

When school started she was met with a dumbfounded expression on Rhodey's face.

"What's up sour pus don't like the new look?"

"You look different?"

"Well, ya know. Midlife crisis."

"You're sixteen. That is not midlife"

"Well, I won't live long enough to have a real midlife crisis," Toni said.

Toni was confused that Rhodey seemed hurt by the joke.

"Well, clothes don't unpack themselves," Toni muttered

Rhodey kept looking at her like she was crazy for a good portion of the next week. Not pushing her but she could tell he wanted to.

Toni was pretty sure he was right. When she found herself staring at her reflection but was sure that was not her staring back at her, again she knew it had to be but it didn't feel like. She turned her head to the side looking for Toni but it kept coming up "Toni stark drunk slut heir" or sometimes the scared kid with Obie's hand pinning her down.

Toni looked at her naked body. She wondered if she was actually hot to people. She never felt attractive even with a good narcissistic comment on her own looks was always in her back pocket honestly there was nothing exceptional about the thing in the mirror. If she ever stopped being sexy though she would lose even that attention. Worse Obie wouldn't want her anymore and even if it hurt she wanted him to want her.

Toni sighed and stepped in her shower. A sudden wave of dizziness rolled through her when she tried to shower, touching her own body sent chills through her veins. She curled on the shower floor, tears mixing with the hot water. Staring at the swirling makeup sliding off her face and the burning hot water boring itself into her back. Toni was hit by the urge to get out. The small shower suddenly feeling suffocating. She pulled open the door and shoved/ran her way through the bathroom door and stumbled into the living room. She was shocked at the sight of Rhodey talking to his friend. Toni glanced down at herself realising she was completely naked.

"Oh ah sorry," Toni said going into her room as fast as she could

The man, whose name she thought was Max, laughed. "Roommates eh?"

"Yeah. I should go check on her thought." Rhodey said, standing up like an old man with a sigh and cracking his back.

He went into Toni's room with a soft laugh. Toni for her part was having difficulty sliding Rhodey's MIT sweatshirt on, flailing with the sweater half over her head. Rhodey helped pull it down.

"You okay kid?" he asked.

"Yeah just panicked."

"He's not going to hold being naked in your house against ya Tons"

"Sure that's what you say now."

Rhodey shook his head and ruffled Toni's hair giving her a reassuring smile. She smiled back.

He left her face fell. She turned to the dresser taking another dose. gulping down her fear in one dry swallow.

Toni was getting dressed when she felt her mom's bracelet in the underwear she was putting on. She had hidden it when she got here, didn't need the reminder. Next to Jarvis's letters and lockets and Nick's survival book with his number tucked inside. Toni felt sad looking at this small stack of her history, the only missing piece was Bucky Bear who was on the bed. Toni bit her lip and picked up her life story. She took them and placed them in a shoebox which she tucked in the shelf in the closet. She'd get a safe eventually, it didn't matter how much of her resented them all leaving her, she still wanted the love they gave, the love she wished had lasted.

Tears threatened to spill over, but she stopped herself. She was done crying, so done with being heartbroken she was invincible. Never let them see you break

~~~~~

Toni never dropped her grin in public; she knew it was fake her teeth were fangs ready to bite, and everyone else knew that too. Always joke, take enough drugs, sling insults, fake the calm, drink the alcohol, dress suave over and over you won't even realise you feel the pain. Don't break down out there, out there you're invincible.

At home, she could stop her boys around her, blueprints in her hands. At least she could breathe, but breathing still hurt. Rhodey still treated her like before he still held her at night, watched bad tv, joked with the bots, got her to sleep. His face always screwed into concern when she'd stumble in at one am shitfaced.

Rhodey hated the new Toni, he could tell that this wasn't empowerment, this was a mask she was broken but didn't want anyone to know. That hurt him but was grateful she still let him wrap his hands around her and carry her to bed. Rhodey was also aware he was about to break her heart but he had the same dream his whole life. He hoped it wouldn't make things worse, but the hope was quite limited.

So one day in December he met Toni with doughnuts and coffee.

"Baby girl we have to talk."

Toni's blood cold this could not be good. She curled her arms around her chest, "what do you need?"

"I'm leaving this spring. To start basic."

"Why?" Toni said.

"It's what I always wanted. Not to mention I think things are going to get worse. I have to do something."

"Oh, okay I understand"

But no Toni didn't know if she did. Part of her screaming to latch on to him and never let go, but she also knew she could never ask him to give up his dream, not for her.

"I'll see you again, you're never gonna get rid of me you're my girl. you are not alone."

"Okay," Toni said numbly.

At home, she took a sleeping pill and flopped fully dressed on her bed. She stared at the ceiling. Willing the grief to shut up. Losing the last good person was terrifying. But she had to just keep going and survive on her own.