Chapter 15: Fear is Fine

"Chief!" Bailey called after Richard once the commotion in the ER died out.

"I know what you want to talk about Miranda and it's fine." Richard said as Bailey began to explain her request.

"Let's keep Ael… wait what?" Bailey started and quickly stopped at the realization of his words.

"She can stay this next week too. She has no family. And well her adoptive family, that is, us, is here all the time, everyday." He explained.

"Ok that's good then." Bailey said and walked away.

Richard watched her go and chuckled to himself while shaking his head. Bailey would not say it but these interns were pretty much her kids and she worried over them. He thought it was sweet though he would never mention that to her.

Aelwyne woke up after a few hours feeling warm, cozy, and light. For the first time in a week she felt somewhat rested. She had not opened her eyes just yet. She was just taking in the warmth and comfort and the vanilla scent emanating from the pillow. This pillow felt peculiar to her. It was warm and it was… it was actually moving. The movement was steady, just a rise and fall. She slowly opened her eyes and as they adjusted she saw that her pillow was not a pillow but a sleeping redhead.

Her breath caught as she took in the sleeping form of Addison Montgomery. Slowly she remembered pulling the attending to bed with her. She calmed herself breathing in and out slowly and made sure she did not move an inch because she was going to enjoy every second of being in Addison's arms. She felt calm in there though slightly nervous. Addison had indeed been playing with her but still she was not completely sure about the game. She was not certain the redhead actually felt something for her. She was not entirely certain of what she felt either.

With Ethan she had thought it was love but Addison was so different. Addison made her feel safe and maybe Ethan had at some point but it was not the same feeling of security. Addison made her feel calm. She was in her mind every second of every day. She wanted to know if Addison felt the same. Though the thought that she may not scared her so much.

'What would Addison do if she found out everything she makes me feel? Would she run for the hills? Would she keep her distance? I mean I am broken. Who would want to deal with my baggage? They don't know half of it. They know about Ethan but they don't know about my family. They don't know just how alone I am. Just how messed up my birth was.' Aelwyne kept going over all of these thoughts.

"I can feel you thinking really hard." Addison said, her voice low from sleep.

"I… I'm sorry. I…" Aelwyne began to pull away nervously.

"Where are you going? You'll fall out of bed. Then we'll lose all this progress." Addison said, slightly tightening her grasp on her.

"I umm… well I" Aelwyne tried again.

"If it bothers you that I'm here I'll get up. Just stay there, I'll go." Addison said, beginning to untangle herself from Aelwyne.

"No!" Aelwyne said quickly her voice wavering a bit as she reached for her once more. "Don't leave. Please. Don't."

"What's wrong?" Addison said, concerned wiping the tears away from Aelwyne's face.

"Sorry." Aelwyne said between sobs and settled on Addison's chest holding on to the front of her shirt.

"I'm right here Ael. I'm not going anywhere. I promise." Addison whispered. "You'll be ok."

Aelwyne didn't even know why she was crying. Well she knew why but she did not understand how her own body had betrayed her like that. She had always been strong. Always been able to shut things down. But with Addison she could not do it. With Addison her mask of composure wavered. She tried to calm down, to make the tears stop but she failed.

"You don't have to do that, you know? You don't have to be strong all the time. It's ok to let go. It's alright to let them out. You told me once that everyone deserves a good cry. So just let it happen." Addison soothed.

"Thank you." Aelwyne whispered between sobs.

Slowly she felt herself calm down once more. The tears slowed to a stop and her sobs subsided. She did not fall back asleep but she closed her eyes and relaxed again. She felt so comfortable and even lighter than she had when she woke up. She knew Addison was also awake because she was still running her fingers through her hair. The motions were not like when she had been washing her hair it was more soothing and calming. She was content staying there until her stomach rumbled.

"I think someone's hungry." Addison chuckled lightly then her own stomach matched Aelwyne's.

"Yeah I can tell." Aelwyne chuckled as well lifting her head to face Addison.

"Sorry." Addison apologized, blushing slightly.

"Food?" Aelwyne said as a smile tugged at the corner of her lips.

"Yeah. We deserve it." Addison said.

"Ok." Aelwyne replied snuggling onto Addison once more.

"Aelwyne I'll need to get up for this." Addison said, chuckling.

"Oh right." Aelwyne said getting off of her and sitting up.

Addison chuckled as she got up flattening her clothes and fixing her hair. She was starting to put on her shoes when they heard a soft knock accompanied by giggles behind the door.

"Oh god." Aelwyne sighed heavily sinking on the bed once more.

"Come in?" Addison said cautiously, still trying to fix her hair.

"Wakey wakey sleepy heads." Cristina grinned walking in with a couple of boxes of pizza.

"Hi, we brought food." Meredith announced with a smile.

"Let's party! I'm starving." Alex said as he came in. "Hey sweetness." He said smiling at Aelwyne.

"Hi." Izzie walked in awkwardly.

"I have the sodas and plates and cups. You could've helped me you know." George protested.

Everyone settled rather quickly and Aelwyne just smiled nervously under Cristina's gaze. Addison was still there but had made no attempt to get food for herself.

"Sooo…" Cristina began. "Did you two enjoy your nap? Not gonna lie it looked quite cozy." She grinned earning a jab on the ribs from Meredith.

"Ummm I was… uh." Aelwyne tried but she had nothing to say or do but smile like an idiot as the growing blush crept onto her face. Addison shuffled slightly still next to her bed.

"Yeah?" Alex questioned knowingly.

"I'm going to go. It's a little late and I need to prepare for some of my cases tomorrow. Doctors." Addison said excusing herself.

"But you were hungry." Aelwyne said quickly.

"I'll eat something before I get to the hotel. You enjoy your dinner." Addison said with a smile and walked out before Aelwyne could protest once more.

"Did we just ruin a dinner date?" Cristina chuckled.

"Be quiet and give me food. I'm hungry." Aelwyne said recovering quickly.

They ate and talked about the incoming trauma and different surgical and non-surgical cases. George and Alex kept fighting about who had been better. Cristina shut them both off by saying neither of them were since Burke had told her he wanted her to scrub in instead of them. The girls laughed as both boys lowered their gaze and began eating again without a word. Callie came in at some point to check on Aelwyne and asked everyone to step out for a few minutes as she did so. Aelwyne was relieved when Callie said she was healing exceptionally fast. She said by the end of next week she could clear her to come back to work. Once everyone was inside again they invited Callie to stay and have some pizza as well.

Addison had walked away reluctantly, suddenly missing the girl's warmth. She had almost made it back to her office when she heard someone calling her name.

"Addison." Derek called.

"Hey. Need something?" She replied as she unlocked the door.

"I just… I want to ask you something. But like you don't have to answer. I mean I know it's none of my business. But I was your friend once. And I mean the Mark thing, I get it. I know why it happened. And we could be friends again. We could talk and be friends. That way I can ask. I know it may be a bit weird for me to ask. But I just want to know. If you're ok with telling me." He rambled without getting to the point.

"Derek!" She called snapping him a way from his rambling.

"Yeah? Sorry." He said startled.

"Your question?" She said after a moment of awkward silence.

"Right." He said simply.

"Just ask. I'm hungry and I have things to do." She said exasperated.

"Ok, rip off the band aid, right?" He motioned for them to move to her office.

"Right." Addison responded moving into the office.

"Ok here's the question." He started and stopped.

"For the love of… Derek just ask the stupid question!" She pushed.

"Ok fine. Do you like girls now?" He asked his gaze fixed in her eyes.

"Wh-what did y-what?!" She stuttered.

"Are you into women, Addie?" He repeated the question differently.

"Are you like… are you out of your mind?" She said waving her arms around.

"That's not a no." Derek said with his McDreamy smile.

"I-I don't have time for your jokes. I have work to do. Go away." Addison said shoving him out of her office and shutting the door behind him.

Addison made her way to the couch and sank down on it burying her face on her hands. Being found out was freaking her out. She had been fine keeping everything in. She had been ok when she decided to play, when she tried to find out if Aelwyne was going through the same thing as her. But now she had been found out and she did not know how to deal with that.

Her mind was racing, she had too many things to think about. It was not that she had a problem with the whole girl on girl affair. She had always believed love and attraction was something that happened between people, no matter what the sex. The problem was that it was all new to her. That tingling feeling everytime she was close to the intern and the need to be where she was. Everything was new and it freaked her out. So she sat there for a while rocking back and forth. She needed to talk to someone about it all. But she was afraid of judgement because she had already had enough of that to last her ten lifetimes. Still she needed to talk to someone and maybe it could be her someone. The man that had been with her for so long. Derek had said he still wanted to be her friend and he did not seem freaked out by this whole new notion. Even when she was mortified to have been found out. Maybe she could speak with him. He had been her best friend for years, even before their marriage.

She took a deep breath and decided to page him back to her office. As she sent the page she heard the familiar beeping sound outside her door. She also heard the slight chuckle followed by a knock on the door.

"I paged you. You know you can come in." She called.

"Hey." He replied walking in and shutting the door behind him.

She looked at him and rolled her eyes, turning away from him. Derek shook his head, a smile still on his face, and went to sit beside her. She tensed up a bit as he shuffled over and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Talk to me." Derek said searching for her eyes.

"I-I don't even… I don't know… this is just…" she stuttered as her eyes filled with tears. She was so scared.

"Addie it's ok. Shhh it's ok. I promise. What I said before… what I said is true. I want to be your friend. Let me be your friend." Derek spoke and hugged her.

"I-I'm just, I'm so confused. I don't know what I'm feeling. I have never, like I mean yes I've looked at other women and thought 'wow she's hot' but not like that way. You know? I've never, like I really have never, ever, looked at another woman or felt like this for a woman before. Derek I don't know what is happening to me. And I'm so scared. It's not that I think it's bad it's just, it's just…" she spoke as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"It's new. It's different. It's not bad. It's just that you are changing. You are allowing yourself to change and that whole process is scary and stressful." Derek finished for her.

"Derek I loved you. You know that right? Like I never not wanted you. At least until now. I promise I didn't use you or anything like that. I swear." She said with a jump pulling away from him.

"Addie calm down. I know. I know you loved me. I know." Derek said, pulling her back to him. "Breathe Addie. Just breathe."

"How did you… how did you know?" She asked, breaking the silence after a while.

"I know you. I think in the same way you knew about me and Meredith. I see the way you look at her. I could see it in your eyes." He responded with a soft smile.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"What the hell are you apologizing for?" He chuckled lightly.

"I don't know." She replied scrunching her nose.

"So are you going to act on this feeling?" He asked carefully. "I'll support you."

"I don't know that either." She answered, finally sitting up straight after being hugged onto him.

"Do you want to act on it?" He asked differently.

"I don't know." She replied again.

"Addie…" he began.

"I don't know Derek. Stop asking me because I don't know." She said standing up and beginning to pace as she always did when annoyed or scared or angry.

"Ok. Ok." He replied. "It's ok." He got up and stopped her from pacing.

"I really don't know." She said looking at him.

"That is ok. I mean like I said this is new. No need to rush. Just take your time. Take your time and-" He was cut off by her.

"I slept with her." She blurred out.

"Wait what?" He asked and backed away from her a bit.

"No. Not like that Derek." She sighed heavily. "The detective came to talk about the trial and she got scared and I had her get in bed and she pulled me with her and I just got in bed with her. It was just to sleep. Celine said she hasn't slept much since the whole attack. I just wanted her to feel safe. So I slept with her. Like sleep sleep." She explained.

"Oh." He simply replied.

"Derek I swear." She began.

"No it's ok. That's good. It's just you said you slept with her and I thought that… you know." He said, raising a brow.

"Stop. I still don't know what to do." She huffed.

"Sorry. I'm sorry. How about this? Take it slow. I don't know Aelwyne well enough to tell whether or not she feels something for you. But you can find out as time goes on. Plus it gives you the space to get used to the fact that you may be into women too." He reasoned.

"Too?" She asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Addison you enjoy men. You've been in love with one or two. So I mean I think you like both. You know? Men and women." He tried to explain.

"Oh. Ohh. You may be right. I don't know though." She replied nervously.

"Listen you don't have to figure out labels and such." He said reassuringly.

"Right." She said with a sigh and her stomach rumbled once more.

"Wow. You really are hungry aren't you?" He laughed.

"Yes. Shut up." She said with a smile.

"The interns left a few pizza boxes in the attending's lounge. Wanna go have some?" He asked.

"The interns or your intern?" She asked, raising a brow.

"If I heard correctly both of our interns." He chuckled. "Come on."

"Derek I swear I'll plunge a scalpel into your precious hand if you say anything in front of anyone." She said grabbing a chart and some paperwork.

"Scouts honor!" He said lifting his hand with three fingers pointing up.

"Scouts honor… you remind me of Amy." She said chuckling and walked out of the office. He followed after her and together they made their way to the lounge.

"What in the world is going on here?" Bailey said as she walked into Aelwyne's room.

At some point after all the food the interns had fallen asleep in the room along with Aelwyne. Meredith was sleeping next to Aelwyne on the bed. Cristina was sleeping on a chair with her feet propped up on the bed. Izzie had fallen asleep on the couch with George, her legs sprawled across his lap. Alex had procured some blankets and had sat on the floor in front of the couch with his head resting on Izzie's hip. It really was quite a scene and even after Bailey had walked in and spoken none of them moved an inch.

"Wake up idiots!" Bailey spoke louder causing everyone to jump.

"Dr. Bailey umm did you get some pizza?" Aelwyne said quickly.

"Yes but that doesn't matter. This isn't a hotel room people. If you want to sleep, find another place." Bailey said, gesturing for them to get up.

"Bailey let them be." Richard said coming into the room.

"But chief…" she began to protest.

"They are fine. You all better answer your pages though." He said eying them all.

Just like magic Izzie's, George's, and Alex's pagers went off. With a groan they got up and made their way out. Richard stood at the door chuckling to himself then he guided Bailey away. They could hear her fighting with him down the hall.

"So do you want to talk?" Meredith asked as the three of them were left alone.

"About what?" Aelwyne responded.

"About Satan." Cristina responded.

"I don't think there's much to talk about." Aelwyne replied.

"Ael you two were sleeping together. Like together, together. Not like we were sleeping right now." Meredith offered.

"I said it already. You two looked very cozy. You were sleeping in her arms." Cristina said looking at her.

"It's simple. I was freaked out because of the trial and I needed someone. She just happened to be here. End of story. Can we go back to sleep?" Aelwyne said quickly, closing her eyes.

"Aelwyne, stop being so stubborn!" Cristina said exasperated.

"Cristina shhh." Meredith warned. "Celine will kick us out."

"Fine." Cristina said annoyed.

"Why are you so worked up?" Aelwyne said looking at her.

"Because you're an idiot. I get that you went through something awful. I get it. But that doesn't mean you have to sit back and watch as happiness slips away." Cristina replied, still upset.

"How the hell do you know it's happiness?" Aelwyne bit back.

"You're stupid. Aelwyne how long did you sleep today? Why did you sleep with her for so long when with us, all you manage is an hour or two? Why were her arms around you as you held onto her? Why can't you see it if we can see it? The way you look at her. The fact that you always find your way into being on her service. You can't stay away. You've never been able to stay away from her." Cristina replied.

"I… I…" Aelwyne began and stopped.

"It's ok Aelwyne. It's ok to feel what you feel. There's nothing wrong with it. It's also ok to be scared of it. Being scared means you're thinking of doing something brave. And I understand, you know. Your love life hasn't been very great. If we take that animal into account. But don't get stuck. Don't let the fear freeze you." Meredith said leaning her head on Aelwyne's shoulder.

"It's just, it's the first time. It's the first time I feel how I feel for her. I've never felt like this with anyone. Not even him. And it scares me half to death because everyone leaves and everyone dies. I really don't think I could handle one more person leaving me behind. The way I need her scares me." Aelwyne said, feeling her eyes full with tears.

"Freezing because you're scared, staying stuck because you're afraid isn't living, Ael. Regret is worse than fear." Cristina spoke softly.

"I guess." Aelwyne said quietly.

"Listen we aren't trying to shove you to her. We just think you deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel safe. And it looked like she does that for you." Meredith spoke after a while.

"What if I don't do that for her?" Aelwyne asked.

"Trust me, you do." Cristina said with a slight chuckle. "Maybe she just doesn't know it yet. But you do."

"You don't have to do anything about it right now. We wanted you to talk about it. You needed to talk about it." Meredith said.

After a few minutes Meredith's pager went off and after a reassuring squeeze to Aelwyne's hand she left. Cristina and Aelwyne stayed silent a bit longer after she left.

"I'm sorry for getting all worked up." Cristina said her gaze drifting over to Aelwyne.

"It's ok." Aelwyne responded. "You and Mer are just trying to help."

"Well yeah but I didn't have to yell or anything." Cristina replied with a grin.

"No. No you didn't." Aelwyne said with a chuckle.

"Were not leaving you, you know." Cristina said more seriously.

"Huh?" Aelwyne asked.

"We are not leaving you. You said everyone leaves and everyone dies. It's true that everyone dies I guess but I am not planning on leaving. Neither is Mer. We are sticking with you. We'll be annoying ticks forever." Cristina continued a wicked grin spreading across her face as she said the last words causing Aelwyne to burst out laughing.

After a while Cristina's pager also went off and she left. Aelwyne sat in silence listening to the hospital sounds of the night. She smiled lightly as she recalled Cristina's words. She was always scared to get attached to people but it seemed they were already attached to her. Cristina was right too, all the fear was too paralyzing and she should not let it be like that. It was ok to feel it. It was fine to fear but it is not ok to let it rule over her.

'I just need to breathe and move forward.' Aelwyne said to herself as she closed her eyes. 'Just take a breath Aelwyne. Breathe. Just breathe. What will be, will be, no way to stop it.'

Aelwyne opened her eyes again feeling more relaxed. Not as she had when she had woken up with Addison but enough to be calm. As she thought of Addison she hoped the redhead had gotten her food and had made it safely to her hotel room. Little did she know that while the attending had eaten she had chosen to sleep in her office just so that she was close enough to Aelwyne.

And then there were 15. There it is guys. I had a little fun writing this one. Addison's and Derek's friendship is nice. The scene with the interns all sleeping in her room was also fun. Also I'll start including scenes without Aelwyne and Addison so we can further the story. Anyway I hope you like it. Remember to review and such guys. ;)