I lifted my feet high every time I took a step, through the thick, deep snow. It's been snowing so much that I haven't seen the dirt in so long. Temperatures drop below 30 degrees, and roads are always sleeted with ice making it a bit dangerous to drive anywhere. Walking seemed like the best option for right now, at least to where I was going.
It was an early Wednesday morning, 6:53 AM, December 23rd. The day before Christmas, and I haven't gotten gifts for anyone yet. The gang started a tradition a few years back where we do a secret Santa and someone puts a name in our mail. We then meet up Christmas Eve and hang out until midnight and then we give the presents. I always loved doing it, it always felt so wholesome for me and really brought everyone together. But It feels like the month has passed so fast where I didn't have any time to think for presents. But I have to make up for it. These guys are my closest friends after all, almost like brothers and sisters; but I think the worst part about this year's secret Santa, is that I got Kevin.
I kept my head down as the sun started to rise higher in the sky, feeling the slight warmth hit my face yet also blinding me. The far, inaudible sounds of traffic from miles away filled the ambience around me, as I walked our lonely alleys to Rolf's house. Rolf was the only person I knew that would be awake at this hour, as he needs to tend his small farm and animals in this type of weather. I soon started to see the beginning of his fence as I reached the end of the alley, and soon followed by his frozen tractor. Slight noises from his chickens can be heard, rummaging around the chicken coop. I could also hear clatter from his shed, and assumed he was in there. I stopped near the middle of his wooden fence and tried to climb over, and to my surprise his pig swept me under my feet, making me fall into the deep snow.
"Ow…" I sighed. Rolf's pig started to sniff my beanie, and quickly pulled away as I knew he was going to start to eat it. It resumed to sniff my face as I tried to sit up from my fall, feeling his cold, smelly snout. I wiped away some snow from my eyes and saw Rolf's old shoes, and then his worn pants. I looked up higher and saw him wearing a thick, navy wool coat and carrying buckets in his hand.
"Edboy, you're up early this morning." He said. I slowly got up and felt a bit nervous. I haven't talked to Rolf in a while, and I assume he doesn't like me very much right now.
"Y-yes, I just wanted to drop by for a minute." I stuttered. I wiped snow off my coat and looked at him. His face seemed warm even though it was about 30 degrees. I could see a couple of beard hairs forming, and his hair seemed longer as well.
"Well what business do you require, I don't have much time today." He said, as he walked away and carried his buckets near the feeders. I followed him as I explained my situation.
"Well you see, tomorrow is Christmas and you know every year we all like to gather tonight for secret Santa? So…I haven't gotten around to getting my secret Santa a gift. I was hoping you could help me pick out a gift, as I feel you would know which would be best to get." Rolf continued to empty his buckets into the feeder, as I waited for a reply. He set them aside and looked at me with questioning eyes.
"Edboy wants me to help him pick a gift out? Isn't the point of this secret Santa is to keep it a secret?" He replied. His eyes became more serious as he talked. He seemed like he was going to say something else but then he turned away and continued to mend his farm.
"Well yes I know but, I don't know I don't have much time left, and I know a lot of stores aren't going to be open for long today. I know you're the only person who'd be awake. I'm sorry for bothering you." I said. He stopped what he was doing and looked at me again.
"Ah Edboy, I would help but I think you need to do this alone. I feel like it would be right." He said. I looked at him puzzled, as if I was missing something.
"What do you mean it would be right? I mean, it's just a simple gift Rolf." I replied. He looked at me again with those questionable eyes, and looked away again. He then started to head inside his house and I followed.
"Come on Rolf it will be fast, I just need advice from you because you know him a bit more than me, I know he likes-
"Edboy! I know what Kevin likes which is why I'm not going to help you!" He yelled to me. He stopped halfway from opening his door, and I just stood still behind him, watching snow flakes pile on his back. I felt my mouth slowly close, feeling nothing but the cold air on my lips.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"It was my turn to hand out secret Santas names this year, Edboy." He quickly replied. I quickly shut up again as I stood there feeling dumb. It was just awkward now, I was hoping of telling him after I got the gift. Rolf still had his door halfway opened, smelling a burst of cinnamon and, I think homemade eggnog? It smelled good nonetheless.
"I see, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you then, I guess I'll just see you tonight." I said, turning away from him and heading for his fence exit. As I got closer to his exit, I heard him yell
"You know Edboy, the best gift you could give him is the truth." I turned around and looked at him, and felt my mood drop as I saw his troubled, sad face.
"Yes I could show you where to get new parts for his bike, or get him that new jersey of his favorite football team, or even a gift card to his favorite restaurant. But I think that would be a waste of time because you'd be giving him the wrong gift. How could you think of getting him a gift and just continue being his "friend" after what you did with Nazz? I believe that is just equivalent as getting away with murder. If I were you, I would tell him the truth. No matter the outcome. Because I know Nazz would never tell him." I stood there motionless and without an ounce of emotion. I could almost feel tears come to my eyes as I stared at him. He had a serious face of worry and loyalty to his best friend. I wiped away oncoming tears as I asked him,
"Then why haven't you told him? If you're his best friend shouldn't you have gone to him first?" Rolf chuckled sarcastically.
"Really Edboy? Did you forget that we are all best friends? You cannot tell me that when you are also his best friend, AND you did that to him. It shouldn't come from someone else, but if you're seriously questioning about telling him then I wouldn't consider you a "best friend". He then went inside and slammed his door. All I did was just stare at the spot he once stood, feeling tears roll down my cheeks. I sniffed and wiped my eyes again, feeling nothing but pain on the inside. I put my hoodie over my face and continued towards the exit of his farm, and walked away bearing nothing but the weight of betrayal.
As the day started to settle, I sent out for Jimmy's house where we are all to be gathered for our yearly secret Santa. I walked alone this time, telling Eddy and Ed I'll be showing up a few minutes late. I wore heavy clothing and a scarf over my face, clutching a small gift bag for Kevin. Every step I took felt like I was walking towards death. I felt so nervous to face Kevin, and to tell him the truth. I decided to tell him after all. Rolf's words has been playing in my head all day and the sense of guilt cannot go away, so I think this is for the best. Though, I don't know where to tell him, we'll be around the whole gang and I don't wanna cause a scene in front of them. I doubt anyone else knows about this too, and I would love for this to be kept under wraps. I was so deep in my thoughts that I almost passed Jimmy's house. I stared at his warmly lit house, watching silhouettes move around in the windows. I could already tell who is there by just looking at their shadows. Jonny, Eddy, Ed, Sarah, and so on. I took a deep breathe and saw the smoke escape from my scarf, and headed up Jimmy's steps. I knocked three times before entering.
"Double D you made it!" Jonny exclaimed. He came over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. Jimmy's house felt so warm, I could feel the rosiness of my cheeks return.
"Uh, yeah I made it all right." I said. Jonny guided me to the coat hanger, where I set my scarf and heavy jacket down. As I set my jacket on the hanger I noticed Kevin's burgundy coat below mine, and my heart sank. Even seeing his clothing made me nervous. As I set my things down Jonny then guided me to the living room where everyone was hanging out in. I saw Eddy and Ed talking to Jimmy and Sarah, and Kevin and Nazz sitting together on the couch. The only one I didn't see was Rolf, which was odd.
"Is Rolf late Jonny?" I asked.
"No I don't think he is coming tonight, or that's what Jimmy told me. Said he had to tend to his farm I guess." He said, walking away from me to get eggnog from the coffee table. How odd, Rolf always comes to these. As a matter of fact, no one in our group has ever flaked for anything. Was it because of me? Or was it for Kevin? More thoughts spiraled into my head, but I tried to calm down as Eddy approached me.
"Sockhead there you are, what took you so long?" He said with eggnog in his hand. Ed followed behind him, with two cups of eggnog.
"I just had to wrap my gift up a bit more, and I had to look for more wrapping paper in my house." I replied. Eddy wrapped his shoulders around me and leaned my ear towards his mouth and whispered.
"Just so you know, I got Nazz this year. Sorry if this'll complicate things between us." He said with a hearty chuckle.
He shoved me lightly as he laughed a bit harder.
"Oh ha ha, very funny Eddy." I said sarcastically. He continued to laugh and Ed joined in, a bit confused as to what they were laughing about. I looked behind them and saw the Christmas tree, which was highly decorated and lit up. I saw dozens of baby pictures of Jimmy, and some homemade crafts from when he was a kid, used as ornaments. I even saw a group photo of the whole cul-de-sac hanged up near the middle of its branches. I walked over and set my gift down next to a big box, that read 'For Eddward'. That was definitely for me, and it was oddly fancy for them to write my actual first name. It's always usually Double D, or sockhead if Eddy had me for his secret Santa. As I set my gift down, I looked over at the couch and made eye contact with Kevin, and waved. I waved back, a bit scared. Then Nazz gave me a warm smile and all I did was nod. I haven't talked to Nazz much after the restaurant, the same with Kevin. For some reason I felt a bit of tension between all of us, but I think that was just me.
"My mom just finished baking the cookies!" Jimmy said. He brought in a plate of warm cookies. Sugar cookies, snicker doodles, and chocolate chip were all laid out for us. Most of us quickly dug in, as some loved eating it with their eggnog. I took a snicker doodle and felt the warmth surround my hand, then quickly popped it in my mouth. For a moment I felt at ease, maybe it was the atmosphere of Christmas that made me feel relaxed, and also that I was surrounded by my friends. Though, in the back of my head I still worried about Kevin.
"if you're seriously questioning about telling him then I wouldn't consider you a "best friend". Rolf's voice echoed through my head, as I stared aimlessly at the life of the party. I couldn't think of anything else but his words, they hit me so hard and made me feel like an asshole. Eddy walked up to me again, this time lightly elbowing my stomach.
"Come on sockhead lighten up, its gonna be Christmas soon." He said.
"Yeah I know Eddy, just a bit scared that's all." Eddy looked at me puzzled.
"Scared? What for?" He asked. I looked at him for a while and decided to tell him my plan.
"Oh wow, that's uh, gonna be something. You think it's best to do it here? I mean you had all the time in the world to tell him and you decide to tell him here at our little party? A bit bold not gonna lie." Eddy said.
"Well I'm not sure, I just got hit with a wake up call today and I don't wanna lose this motivation" I said.
"Fair enough I guess, I just hope that Kevin doesn't blow up in your face that's all." He said as he took a sip of eggnog. Ed nodded with accordance, as he also took a sip of eggnog. I chuckled a little as I scanned the room, watching my friends enjoy the night. There was a lot of food, drinks, and the feeling of Christmas was lively tonight. For some reason, I thought that it wouldn't be too bad to tell Kevin. But I quickly snapped out of it, I knew it was all a pseudo until the moment came. For now, I thought to myself, I should just enjoy now.
"Okay guys its about to be midnight, we gotta pass out presents!" Jimmy exclaimed. I sat in Jimmy's loveseat, next to Ed. Eddy hovered over us with another cookie in hand, mumbling about how good it is. I felt more nervous than ever, as we all sat around the tree and Jimmy was about to begin calling names to pick up their presents. I almost felt like leaving at that moment, but I kept an internal promise to Rolf I'd tell Kevin. I just had to sit through it. Then, Jimmy reached out for the first gift.
"Okay so this one goes to…Nazz! Here you go" Jimmy said.
"Oh how sweet thank you." Nazz said. She took the small box from his hand and kept it in her lap. We don't open them until the clock strikes 12, which was 10 minutes from now.
"Next gift is for, oh me! Thank you whoever you are." Jimmy said. He put his gift to the side as he continued.
"Now this one goes to…Double D! They spelled you're name right this time haha!" He handed the large box to me, and felt a bit light. Maybe only one item inside? The wrapping paper was just a basic blue background with snowmen all over it, and a golden ribbon on top. I put it on my lap and continued to listen to Jimmy.
"And this one is for Kevin!" He said. My heart sank once again, this time I felt the color of my skin leave my body, and my legs begin to shake. Ed noticed my nervousness and just put a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. It did a little bit, so I nodded at him. He took the small bag and left it in his lap. We all continued to listen to Jimmy, but after a while his voice muddled out in my head and all I thought about was Kevin's gift. I didn't want him opening it around Nazz, but I couldn't stop her from looking without causing a scene, I just hope that Kevin can keep quiet about it when he opens my gift.
"Merry Christmas guys! The clock struck midnight now we can open our gifts! If you want you can go ahead and tell who was your secret Santa after we opened our gifts." Jimmy instructed. I didn't open my gift at all, and just stared at Kevin, who took out the small note that was in the bag. He opened it up and read carefully. He then got a confused look on his face, and looked around to see if someone was gonna tell him who got him the gift, but once he looked back at the note he then understood. I sighed a little, knowing that he understood what the note meant.
Kevin, I want you to meet me upstairs outside of Jimmy's room. Come alone please, and don't ask anyone about the note.
Kevin looked around once again and told Nazz he was gonna use the bathroom upstairs. She nodded as he got up and went for the stairs. Eddy looked at me, noticing that it was my time to go talk to him. I saw Kevin disappear as he went up the stairs, and I was to follow. I got up, and my feet felt like they were tied to cinderblocks. Though I fought through the mental barriers, and took a deep breath in and held onto the stair railing, and then ascended up into the dark corridor.