DECEMBER 15 SUNDAY
James and Sirius were marginally less rich the next day.
Cas got all dat munnay for betting on herself.
"Why did you bet your money on Toady?" James asked Fletcher when they met in the morning outside the Great Hall.
"Because Rora is a liar and a fraud!" Fletcher replied bitterly.
"How so?"
"I said to her: What's in store for a Taurus? Any parties? And she said: You shall bet on Toady and meet with Miss Fortune.' I did not meet with Lady Fortuna AT ALL!"
He tightened the strap on his top hat and went to the Hufflepuff table sourly.
"So you did the UPS then?" Sirius asked James when they had sat down. "Feel any strange sensations in your pinkie?"
"Oh, that. Toady must have done it wrong because I feel fine. Can you pass me a brioche?"
Sirius threw James a brioche. It went right by him and hit Professor Slughorn in the back of the head.
"I wasn't ready!"
"Catch!" Sirius threw another brioche.
His brioches hit James on the nose, on the mouth, on the head, one even made a screeching halt in front of his face and turned back to hit Sirius. After twenty or so wasted brioches McGonagall came and said they couldn't waste brioches like this.
But that was the least of James's concerns, although he saw it as his greatest concern.
To save brioches, Sirius emptied a large brioche basket and held it up, and James tried to throw spoons into it.
"I just can't believe Wendy left with Sourpus Grape," he said, his teaspoons and teabags missing every time.
"You know, when two people are really right for each other..." said Sirius.
"I did not spend all my magic so Sourpus Grape would find love. The ball is over. Let's destroy her today."
They consulted the map and lo and behold Snape was in potions lab A. So they went down there.
Wendy was watching him brew.
"Hey Wendy," said James. "Can we talk in the other lab?"
"No," Wendy replied.
"We just want to talk!" said Sirius.
"So talk here. We have no secrets from each other."
"No, you don't have secrets from each other."
James and Sirius returned to lab B.
"Do you think Sourpus Grape's been talking about us?" James asked. "Fed her a bunch of lies to make us look bad?"
"Wouldn't we?" Sirius asked.
"She wouldn't believe everything she's told! She's a strong independent woman!"
"Her body is her sanctuary!"
"We always have good ol' Snolly," said Sirius.
"You take it because I won't."
"Wormtail can do it. Moony thinks we don't include him enough."
"He might have said we but he meant you."
"Whatever."
"Fine by me. Ok let's go include him now then."
They consulted the map and fetched their winter coats.
After some forty minutes of pushing through snow in the forest, they reached a clearing with a giant jellybean stalk with peppermint stripes. It was so large they could not see the top of it.
Remus was just coming down from it, and so was Roy, no wait, Peter.
"Just been up there growing some stalks," said Remus.
"Are you growing stalks on top of stalks?" James asked.
"I had five beans so I thought, why not grow stalks on top of stalks, you know?"
"Wormtail we need your help," said Sirius.
"Okay!" said Peter, so eager to please, like a puppy.
Then it occurred to him to ask: With what?
"You have to drink this Snolly."
"Why do I have to turn into Snape?"
"It's to make Wendy stay close to you and therefore us."
Peter wasn't keen on turning into Snape. It was such a trade down after being turned into Roy.
"Can we be sure Wendy will keep staying close to Snape, when it's not actually Snape?" James asked. There was a concern he'd never thought he'd have. Just the mere idea that anybody would find a sudden lack of Snape a turn off was absurd.
"We'll give him some acting tips," said Sirius. "We could lure Wendy with a romantic note and use Snormtail as bait to lock Snape somewhere. And after that we will lure Wendy somewhere."
"And then what?"
"The way to upheave the animation enchantment is to read it backwards," said Remus.
"Then we shall read the enchantment backwards, eezy peezy," said Sirius. "Where is this enchantment? Oh yeah, it was in some book, wasn't it? What book was it?"
"It was in this book," said Remus, taking said book from his bag. "But... look."
He opened the book, and it was plain to see that the page with the enchantment had been torn out.
"I drop my almonds and leave it unsupervised for TWO seconds, I'm so stupid!"
"Not stupid but naive."
"I could have written it down somewhere, so, so, stupid..."
"Not stupid but innocent like a princess."
"Don't worry, princess!" said James. "We shall find that page! I mean, it's pretty obvious who has it, right? Sourpus Grape!"
"Ok let's go!" said Sirius.
"Wait you better take this thing," said Remus and climbed up the stalk.
He was gone for a while, then a giant harp came falling down from the sky, nearly crushing them all.
The giant harp came in handy on their way back when they ran into a congress of red caps. One chord put them all to sleep and the chaps could seize one for later use.
"I don't see why he couldn't just let us borrow his," Sirius thought.
"Well I guess he figured he can't get in trouble if we just get our own," James reasoned.
"Yeah that must be it."
x
Trapping Snape inside a cupboard with a red cap was like taking candy from Dumbledore. All James and Sirius had to do was record themselves saying: Nobody will EVER find it in cupboard C!
And then wait for Snape to pry in cupboard C.
With Snape and the red cap in cupboard C, Peter could drink the Snolly. James gave him acting tips and some cotton to stick up the nostrils.
They were in the library, waiting for Wendy to read the romantic note, and then come to the library.
When they could feel her chilly arrival, James and Sirius went to hide in the detective fiction section.
"Here I am my darling," said Wendy to Sneter, or Peter.
"Hellurrr..," said Peter. "Errmmm...surrr... gladd...yew...kerm."
(He COULD be taught!)
"Your note was very romantic."
"Urrr...Wendurrr..."
"Severus."
"They...shall...nevurrr...gett...hurld...off...thatt...purrrge.
"What purge?"
"Purrrtch."
"Purse?"
"Perrrutch."
"Parrot? Birch?"
"Puh! Puh!"
"Peach? Porsche? Page"
"Yes! Porrridge."
"I don't know what you're talking about. What page?"
"You...deurn't...Wendurr?"
"No."
"Rrrrrurrght."
"I'm leaving Hogwarts, Severus," said Wendy. "I have to get ready for my big day. Will you come with me?"
"Urrmm...Yesss..."
"Do you promise?"
"Urr...purmurss. Wurr...will you...gurr...Wendurrr?"
Peter was so good. James and Sirius were very impressed with the acting. Peter didn't just put into practice all the tips he had received, he fully understood how to BE Snape. He didn't seem at all nervous, either.
"I want to go someplace cold," said Wendy. "Where I can build my ice castle."
James and Sirius stopped paying attention now.
"She doesn't know where the page is," said Sirius. "Plan B, then?"
He wiggled his brows. Suggestively.
"What? Are you really saying that we should do a Brainvasion?"
"Yes!"
"But Padfoot! A Brainvasion isn't just morally questionable, I have a suspicion it is not actually as easy as Spells & Curses makes it seem! Do you really think that a couple of brilliant year 4 wizards such as us could actually do it?"
"Yes!"
"So do I, but we're severely magically impaired right now. Are you really, really suggesting that it's enough that we binge squib supplements?"
"Yes!"
"I suppose we have no choice. But does it necessarily have to be Moony's mind-swamp?"
"No it can also be yours."
"Moony's mind-swamp it is! But I guess he wouldn't like it very much, if he knew. I suppose you're very determined that we keep him in the dark about this."
"Yes!"
"I suppose there is no changing your mind!"
"No!"
"Then I shan't even bother trying! Although we could just as well brainvade Wormtail's mind gerbil-wheel. He was there, he heard the enchantment. But I'm sure you think his brain is simply too weak to handle a brainvasion, and that it has nothing at all to do with you wanting to spy on Moony and Mona Weed post-ankle twist!"
"Exactly!"
"That is a fair point. For you to have a greater concern for Wormtail's brain-health than Moony's is just what I would expect from you."
"Ok so let's go do it already!"
But they had look in the Ancient Scrolls of Wikius Hau first.
When they had found the Ancient Scrolls of Wikius Hau, it only remained to find Remus, put him under a hypnosis, and then read the Ancient Scrolls of Wikius Hau.
He was just coming into the entrance hall, shoving jelly twigs inside his sleeve.
"What's up?"
"Hey do you have the time?" Sirius asked.
Remus checked with his pocket watch.
"It's two."
"Is it really? I'm not sure if I believe you. Can I look at your watch?"
Remus let him have the pocket watch. Sirius held it by the chain, and began to swing it in front of Remus's eyes.
"Wait. Are you trying to-"
"You'regettingsleepyyou'regettingsleepyyou'regettingsleepy!"
Thud. Remus toppled backwards and began to snooze. James clapped his hands, and Remus's eyes went up. But he was still asleep, or under a hypnosis.
"Get up. Walk."
Getting him to potions lab B was the easy part.
"Sit. Not you, Padfoot."
Remus was now seated on a lab stool. Sirius was constantly swinging the watch. James opened the page about Brainvasion in the Ancient Scrolls of Wikius Hau.
"The enchantment that brought Wendy to life. Remember that enchantment. You're reading the enchantment. Keep remembering reading that enchantment. Hey get some flasks, why don't you? No, not you- Well ok then."
Hello idea.
"So what does it say?" Sirius asked. "Is there a spell, what?"
"There is," said James. "And it's lobotomaximus amygdala."
"Where's the squib supplement you brought?"
"Where's the squib supplement YOU brought!"
"Well, damn! Do not despair, 'though!" Sirius looked into Remus's spiralling eyes.
"Get lots of squib supplement!"
Remus got off the stool and left the lab.
"Now that's what I call a service beast!" he said when Remus was back with all the supplements.
He had brough exactly 300 flasks of squib supplements. James and Sirius began to feel sick after four.
"Drink all the other supplements," Sirius told Remus, and he did so.
292 flasks, it was going to take a while.
"There are service beasts that would do that in a flash," said James.
And in a flash later, Remus had finished all the remaining 292 flasks.
"This is just getting better and better!" Sirius thought.
"You know Padfoot," said James. "You understand that, in situations like this, when Moony can't play the part of agony aunt, that part has a tendency to go to me."
"What's on your mind, Prongs?"
"Making Moony help us Brainvade his own mind, it feels so wrong!"
"Hey, his magic is impaired by Wendy, too! He is helping us, we are all helping eachother here!""
"I know. I just feel like, if I say it's wrong, it makes me feel like a better person.
"No point in doing this, if we don't take the time to make sure it works. Now," And he looked into those spiralling eyes again. "Get your wand."
They decided that the best way to go about it was to fuse their combined power into one wand, and since Remus had had most squib supplement, his own wand got to do the honours.
They all held the willow, sphinx molar, and said the words: Lobotomaximus amygdala!
A glowing dot appeared in the center of Remus's forehead. A blue light noodled out. The chaps guided it to an uncorked flask, where it fused with the ionised water and gave it that characteristic silver shimmer.
"Now," said Sirius, his voice soothing. "Remember when we enchanted Wendy. Remember that, okay?"
The blue noodle of light became light purple and filled up the first flask. James corked it and opened a second one.
"And now," said Sirius, "remember what happened after Mona Weed twisted her ankle."
The second purple noodle filled the second flask and they could close the mind stream.
"Amygdala close sesame."
The glowing dot on Remus's forehead shrunk and vanished.
James and Sirius were absolutely spent. Their magic muscles felt like hot nails. They were even out of breath.
Sirius stopped swinging the watch. With no excuse worked out, he and James ran into lab A, which was empty for a rare change.
There they filled one of the sinks with ionised tap water, emptied both flasks and jumped in.
They landed on a dark beach. James could hear the memory of him speak.
"You're not more powerful than anyone, Fussy McFusscake!"
"Freeze!" said James.
And lo, everything froze. Remus was looking at the enchantment in the book. Sirius copied it down, using a memory-pen. Then he decided he wanted to have a look in Remus's notebook, just in case there were any embarrassing doodles of initials in there.
There weren't.
There were many drawings. Quite nice drawings, actually, Sirius hadn't known Remus could draw. They were sketches of beanstalks inhabited by giants, angels, various gods and curly little clouds. This was true children's book material.
One sketch depicted the top of a jelly stalk in space with the moon in the distance and plenty of calculations of measurements and angles.
Another sketch depicted the moon and the sun. The moon wore a dynamite belt and the sun carried a riding crop.
"Not something anybody could come up with," Sirius thought.
"You really need to hate the moon to draw it with tears in its eyes while the sun spanks it," James agreed.
"But, what does it all mean?"
"It means that people will turn anything to porn, even outer space."
The moon also had a ball gag in its mouth. And the sun had hearts in its eyes.
It was time for a set change.
When they had seen what they came for, they hopped out of the sink and removed the plug.
Back in lab B, Remus looked disoriented.
"Ok we have the enchantment let's go," said Sirius.
"You have it?" Remus asked. "How did you get it?"
"Just remembered what it was."
"Oh good. It occurred to me before that we could have used hypnosis to remember it."
"Wouldn't that have been totally unethical?"
"No."
Well that would probably have saved time and magic.
It was a little bit concerning that Remus seemed to suffer from a headache all the way to the library. But that wasn't necessarily a consequence of the Brainvasion. If it was, it was probably normal and would pass very soon.
Meanwhile Peter had done a very good job keeping Wendy in the library this long.
"Urrr...Wendurrrr...," he said, closing Shakespeare's complete sonnets. "Whatt... sherll...ay...reeeed...you...nowww?"
"Read me Gone With the Wind," Wendy replied.
"Ifff...thattt'sss...watt...you..."
James and Sirius didn't even talk it over, they were going to stupefy Wendy here and now, while she had her back turned!
It was just that they were more powerless than ever and wound up feeling stupefied instead.
Wendy raised her hands and cast a snow storm over them that had them buried to their necks.
"Fools!" she cried. "If you want me I'll be in my Ice Castle getting ready for my big day! And I shall bring my fiancé!"
Then she opened a window and escaped in the form of a snowstorm.