Chapter 13: Everyone Hates Me But The Mary Sue[1]
(Peter)
I had no god damn idea what was happening. One minute, we were setting up capture the flag just like we were supposed to. The next, Miss Sunshine was staying behind instead of going with the second group (which consisted of one guy?) to be ambushed.[2]
That had been weird enough, but then Bianca had shown up, bitch slapping Nico and cackling like a supervillain. Suddenly, all our plans had gone to shit.
When Miss Sunshine had walked off to deal with bitchafied Bianca, Beckendorf had rescued Nico and taken him back to Zeus's Fist. There, the son of Hades was still crying as Beckendorf and the Stoll Brothers tried to comfort him. Do I even have to explain how out of character that is?[3]
With all that nonsense going on, it had been up to me to get the flag.
It had been easy to go to the Hunter side and grabbed the flag from off the tree. There were guards but none of them seemed to notice me. They were all too busy watching the showdown between two of the Big Three's kids by the creek.
The epic video game-like final boss battle was kind of hard to miss.
Bianca was creating large cracks in the ground that were spewing out skeletons and columns of fire as she attacked Miss Sunshine with her arrows.[4] The Hunter kept using the columns of flame to set said arrows on fire Legend of Zelda style, all in an effort to hit Miss Sunshine who was flying.[5]
That's right. Flying![6] Who needs a fear of heights when you could be a boring cookie cutter Percy wannabe?[7]
The Mary Sue was up about 20 feet in the air. With one hand, the Sue was throwing her "mini master bolt" around and then calling it back to her. She used her other hand to control the wind and redirect Bianca's arrows into the skeleton hoards to stop them from rising out from the hell fissures. The Sue did all this while dodging around fire columns with flips, spins, and other showy aerial tricks.
But wait, there's more. Because of course there fucking was.
Bianca's flames and Miss Sunshine's lightning had barely hurt either of the them, but their clothes were wrecked, all scorched up and falling to pieces. Miss Sunshine's frilly pink and white underwear was basically on full display.
So, it wasn't just an epic video game boss fight, it was an epic ecchi video game boss fight.
With great effort, I turned from the crazy scene before I could determine the color of Bianca's panties.[8] After all, I had not signed up to look at half-naked 12-year-olds.
But I couldn't say the same for everyone else. Everyone, save Nico and Beckendorf, was watching the battle unfold now, even Zoë.
I shook my head.
It was only chapter 6.[9] What the fuck was this?[10]
Suddenly, Miss Sunshine cried out. A fire arrow had finally caught something that wasn't clothing and she was falling.
Right at me!
I tried to dodge out of the way, but she fell on me anyway.
"Oh! Hi Peter!" She said from on top of me. "You got the flag?"
I moaned. The Mary Sue was surprisingly heavy.
"Goody!" She swiped the flag out of my hands and flew off.
I rolled over just in time to see the climax to this madness.
The Mary Sue was flying back towards Bianca like Superman. The hand with the flag formed a fist.
Bianca saw her and realized the Sue meant to finish the fight. The daughter of Hades summoned her largest fissure yet and created a massive wall of fire. Dozens of skeletons oozed out from the opening and flaming arrows appeared from what seemed like all directions trying to hit the Mary Sue.
Miss Sunshine used the hand that didn't have the flag to make a waving motion. A large gust of frigid air blew through the forest. I was suddenly glad that I was already on the ground when the wind rocketed past me. It scattered the arrows, knocked aside the skeleton army, and blasted a giant hole through Bianca's literal fire wall, leaving the Hunter wide open.
With her target in sight, Miss Sunshine accelerated towards Bianca. Before the Hunter could move out of the way, the Mary Sue slammed her outstretched fist into the girl's stomach, propelling them both to the camper side of the creek.
Bianca crashed into Zeus's Fist with a painful crack a few feet above Beckendorf and Nico. As the defeated Hunter slid to the ground, Miss Sunshine hovered above her, holding up the silver flag.
"Camp-Half Blood wins!" Chiron announced, seeming to appear from nowhere.
The Hunters began to cry, even Bianca who was somehow still alive.
"Three cheers for Andi!" Chiron shouted over the noise.
And I kid you not people actually cried out 'hip hip hooray'.
Fucking Sues…
One day later, I was gritting my teeth as I sat beside Miss Sunshine inside the Big House. I had spent most of the day in the Long Beach Sound avoiding her, but I had had to come to this quest meeting.
The Mary Sue had nearly pounced on me when I entered the Big House. Now she was sitting next to me, happily swinging her legs around and acting like we were the bestest of friends or whatever the fuck she was always saying. I wasn't interested in her sueified version of reality. I had gotten enough of that yesterday.
I could barely believe what had happened. From Bianca bitch slapping Nico, to Nico crying, to the boss battle, it was all fucking crazy. Even the aftermath had been game breaking.
By the time, the Oracle arrived there had been no sign of Bianca's hell fissures, the remaining skeletons, or any of the other wreckage from the fight. It all just disappeared like their battle had never happened.
It was honestly a damn miracle that Zoë had still received the same canon quest from the Oracle:
Five shall go west to the goddess in chains,
One shall be lost in the land without rain,
The bane of Olympus shows the trail,
Campers and Hunters combined prevail,
The Titan's curse must one withstand,
And one shall perish by a parent's hand.
After all the capture the flag nonsense, I had expected the Mary Sue to get the quest and for us to be searching for Luke instead of Artemis and Annabeth. I was glad that wasn't the case, but still, yesterday had reminded me of a very important fact:
Andromeda Sunshine was a Mary Sue in a fanfic of questionable quality. She was fucking dangerous. The world bent to her will and was warped by it. I had been beginning to forget that fact, but I wouldn't be so stupid again.
"I'll go," a voice whispered.
I looked up and saw Nico, who as the son of Hades had honorary counselor status, raising his hand.
I glanced over at Miss Sunshine, her hand was also raised as was Grover's, Zoë's and Bianca's. That made 5.
"Wait a second," I blurted out. "What about Phoebe?" I turned to Zoë. "Isn't she your tracker?"
Zoë glared at Miss Sunshine and said, "Unfortunately, Phoebe was injured during Capture the Flag."
The oblivious Mary Sue looked at her quizzically, not understanding the implication.
"Can't you heal Phoebe with Nectar?" I asked. After all, Bianca was going on the quest and she had broken like all of her bones yesterday.
Nico turned to me and said in an angry hiss, "Nectar does not work on Centaur Blood."
"It is like acid," Zoë agreed.
I knew that, but it didn't make sense. In Titan's Curse, Aphrodite had helped the Stoll brothers give Phoebe a shirt sprayed with Centaur blood, but it was too soon for that. So, "How was she hurt with Centaur blood? It's not exactly something we use in a capture the flag game, so where did it come from?"
My question was met with silence. Everyone's head seemed to turn and face me at once. They all looked pissed and the strangest thing was that they were wearing the same angry expression, but no, it was more than that. It looked like they all had the same exact 'crazy bitch going to murder you in the night' face.[11]
No one said anything.
I didn't breathe.
Then the moment was over. Time seemed to skip forward. People went back to their original positions like nothing had happened.
Zoë said in a normal voice, "Phoebe uses centaur blood on her arrows. In all the chaos and wind, she hurt herself with her own arrows. It is…very unfortunate, is it not?" There was a challenge in Zoë's eyes as if daring me to point out how idiotic that explanation was.
I got that eerie feeling. I looked around. It wasn't as creepy as before, but everyone's eyes I saw, Chiron, Bianca, the counselors, had the same look. Even Mr. D. was watching me warily. Only Miss Sunshine seemed truly unaffected. She just looked confused.
I did my best to smile and said, "Yeah. Of course. Of course, it is."
The intense mood instantly vanished. Zoë turned to Nico and said with a very different expression on her face, "As you are Bianca's kin, I will trust that she will keep thee from being a burden."
The discussion continued until Chiron finally concluded the council. "So be it," he said. "Andi, Nico and Grover will accompany Zoë and Bianca. You shall leave at first light. And may the gods," he glanced at Mr. D, "present company included, we hope—be with you."
I had to force myself to stay and complain about me not being included like I was supposed to. Luckily, neither Chiron nor Grover wanted to talk with me afterwards. Chiron was busy with Miss Sunshine and Grover was drooling over Zoë.
Thank fucking god.
I took the opportunity and ran.
As I put distance between me and the Big House, I kept asking myself:
What in the actual fuck was that?
I hadn't looked Miss Sunshine's way during that first horrific moment, but besides her, I was sure everyone had been ready to eat me alive back there because what?
I had started to point out a plot hole?
I had always suspected that talking too much about PJO might have consequences but fuck!
Their faces had been child-like, oddly familiar, and filled with the type of rage reserved for insane people.
I entered my cabin and slammed the door shut like the door could protect me from those looks, or rather that one look.
That one face.
I shivered.
I was shivering despite the warm humid air in the cabin and I couldn't stop.
I was scared. I had not been this scared in a long time, not since I'd gone to hell with Percy. And there was no Percy this time. I was alone.
Damn it!
I made myself sit down on my bed and wrapped the blanket around me like a wuss.
It had just been a look.
It was a warning and I just needed to heed it. That's all.
From now on, I would be more careful and avoid mentioning plot holes and any other inconsistencies with PJO. I had already been trying to do that, but I would do better.[12]
I had some damn good incentive now.
I laughed.
It wasn't funny, but laughing was better than the alternative, wasn't it?
Footnotes
[1] Another familiar sounding title. It's echoing Chapter 7 of PJO Titan's Curse aka Everyone Hates Me But The Horse
[2] Yeah, if you actually counted last chapter: Drew's group is 6 people including her. Peter's group is 5 people including him. Then there's Andi which makes 12. There are 13 total participating campers so that leaves Sherman all by himself. So, I guess Andi isn't as good at counting as she thinks she is.
[3] Although it is out of character for canon Nico, our fic Nico was a sensitive cinnamon roll in the Lightning Thief and Sea of Monsters fics, kind of like ATLA Aang or SU Steven. Our boy usually was a pretty positive kid, but he cried a lot when he was reunited with Hades and he cried almost non-stop during the end of Sea of Monsters after Bianca left (before the epilogue/prologue anyway). So yes, Nico's been acting all tough and disillusioned this installment, but that's all it is, I think, an act. And if anyone was going to break through his new defense mechanisms, it would be his abusive sister.
[4] Though summoning hellfire for combat is a non-standard use of a child of Hades' powers, it is technically possible. Nico created flames when he summoned skeletons in PJO Titan's Curse. Furthermore, both Bianca and Nico are much more experienced with their powers as they figured out their parentage in the Lightning Thief fic.
[5] Yeah, this is a lot less feasible, but as Peter said, the fire arrows seem to be working on video game logic. And in a world with magic, what use is science and logic anyway?
[6] This is why Andi doesn't usually participate in capture the flag. Flying in a game like this is totally broken. Even a young Alpha R recognized this fact.
[7] Oh, hi Jason!
[8] Since I know someone is wondering, from context clues in a later chapter, I am guessing Bianca's lingerie is either black or silver.
[9] He means chapter 6 in PJO Titan's Curse a.k.a. An Old Dead Friend Comes To Visit
[10] This.
_._._Is.
_._._SUE'S CURSE!
[11] More on this later.
[12] A lot better, I'd say. To be fair, Peter is a giant PJO fan and a natural critic. Keeping his mouth shut is not one of his strengths.