My brain stutters for a moment and my eyes take in more light than I expected, every part of me goes on pause while my thoughts catch up.
"That's impossible"gasped Sirius. He was white as chalk. His eyes and his mouth were frozen wide open in an expression of stunned surprise, and although he was staring straight at me he appeared not to notice me at all.
"Does that mean I killed someone? " I said, shifting my gaze in panic from Remus to Sirius, hoping one of them would say that this is some kind of a joke.
"No. " Remus said firmly. "We just found out what the last spell was done by your wand. Not that you did it. " His voice trembled slightly at his last words.
I could feel it, building like an unstoppable snowball in the pit of my stomach. The Panic. I couldn't think of anything else. The next step was my heart starting to beat harder and faster, adrenaline levels rose, my brain started to fire out negative thoughts. I started pacing or moving around irrationally. The arguments in my head got so fast and so disturbing that my brain shut down my body. My heart felt like it's going to explode.
"Come, Ash. Relax." Remus approached me, his eyes focused on me and he looked paler than usual. "The spell itself means nothing. Let's go downstairs, have some tea and discuss everything calmly. "
His strong arms wrapped around me and gave me a little peace. The three of us went down to the kitchen, and my uncle started making tea. Remus sat down next to me in a chair, still hugging me.
"Don't panic," he whispered soothingly, "We'll find out what happened to you in the last two days."
"Here's the tea." Sirius handed me the glass, dismantling the table, which was cluttered with plates, parchments, and a quill. At the top of the pile was the new Daily Prophet.
"Thank you," I said, watching him. Out of the corner of my eye, something caught my attention. "Stop. Give me the newspaper. "
And I saw what caught my eye. The headline on the front page of the newspaper - Bertha Jorkins found dead. A picture of a 30-year-old slightly plump woman waving carelessly at the camera changed to a picture of the same woman, but dead, lying on frozen ground, with a pale horror on her face. My heart was pounding in my chest. This woman looked so familiar. I flipped through the pages to find details of what had happened and read.
Bertha Jorkins, a 36-year-old employee of the Ministry of Magic, was found dead.
She was discovered last night by the wizard A.V. who walked his Puffskein. Bertha Jorkins was an employee of the Ministry of Magic in the Department of Magical Games and Sports and was declared missing in the summer. Her relatives knew that she had been to Albania.
Details and causes of her death and murder are unknown. The crime department is expected to take over the case. The readers of Daily Prophet who want to visit Broxbourne Woods for a walk should know that it may be fenced and inaccessible, as it is inspected by criminologists.
"Broxbourne Woods…" I repeated aloud. Remus had read the news with me. "I was in Broxbourne Woods this morning. Could it be a coincidence? "
The thoughts were accelerating inside my head. I wanted them to slow so I could breathe but they wouldn't. My breaths came in gasps and I felt like I will black out. My heart was hammering inside my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spined and I tried to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope with. I felt so sick. Like a flash a memories came in front of my eyes.
I was in a basement. Everything was dark. Light came only a little from the door at the end of the room. When my eyes got used to the darkness, I saw a man's body lying on face near me. I tried to feel his pulse. Barely perceptible. I tried to turn him over to see who he was. But I couldn't. Emptiness followed again.
I walked in the wood. Someone's voice told me to walk, and I did. He told me to stop. I stopped. Then someone brought the woman. She looked sick, her face was pale, and it was as if she had lost a lot of weight in a short time. She cried, then laughed. She was crazy. I had to stop her pitiful cries. I didn't need her anymore. "Kill her," the voice told me. I pulled out my wand. In fact, I didn't want to kill her. "Do it… You can kill…"It was as though some huge force were pressing down upon me—something that penetrated inside my skull, battering against my brain, frightening me out of my beliefs, persuading me, almost, to deny the evidence of my senses. I wanted to get that voice out of my head. "I don't want to do it… " I took off my wand. "Stupid girl, kill her" I heard the woman cried. She dragged herself toward me, digging her fingers desperately into the frozen ground. "I don't want to die. Don't let me die… please. " I remembered my inner struggle. My brain didn't want to do what he was told. But did my body listen? My ears were ringing. I no longer felt anything. There was a harsh laugh and a green light. Then the pain. And then nothing again.
"I was there" I said aloud, "I killed Bertha Jorkins."
I really was there. I remember pointing my wand at her. I don't remember whether I said the spell, though. Did it matter? I did nothing to save her.
"I'm a murderer," I told Remus and Sirius, who were staring at me.
I did not expect to be answered. Then it all happened as if it wasn't happening to me. I ran to my room and started throwing things in my suitcase. I had to get out of here. I was mad. I was a danger to my loved ones. Someone had used me, he could do it again. Where could I go? To surrender to the Ministry and going to Azkaban or run away. I shuddered at the thought of the dementors. I didn't have the courage to do it. Maybe if I isolate myself somewhere far away from people, no one will be able to find me and I will not be able to harm anyone.
"What do you think you are doing? " I heard a voice behind me and turned. Remus stood in the doorway. His face showed no emotion.
"I'm leaving," I said simply. "I'm a murderer."
"No, you're not. " and he approached me, trying to stop my attempts to put more luggage in my suitcase. "Ash, I don't know what you remembered. You are not a murderer. I know you. You cried a day before because of the bird with the broken wing. You took it home and cured it. You had helped that poor old woman a few days before, then gave your coat to the homeless man who was freezing in the street. You are a kind hearted person, not a killer. "
"You don't know me, Remus." I felt my eyes fill with tears and tried unsuccessfully to stop them. They began to run down my face. "I don't even know me."
"We'll come up with something, Ash, please. You are not a murderer. Stay here for Sirius, for me. "
No. I have to leave because of them. Tomorrow someone might make me hurt them. And I'm weak, I can't resist him. Someone was using me. I have to find him, but he shouldn't reach my loved ones. I wouldn't forgive myself. I will run away somewhere far from them. But they will follow me. I know they will do everything possible to stop me or follow me. No. I have to stop them from do that.
"No, I'm leaving. Don't ask me any more questions. In fact ... " I swallowed slowly, "maybe that's for the best. I've been wondering how to tell you ... I don't want to be with you anymore. " My heart was breaking when I said this lie.
He was startled for a moment. Then he shook his head: "I don't believe you. "
"It's true," I said, looking him in the eye, trying to look completely serious and not showing that my heart was falling apart. "I thought it was something serious, but over time the thrill passed. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't find the right moment. I am still young, it is normal to have such penchants."
"Penchant… You are lying to me." I could feel his voice tremble.
"You know that this relationship has no future. "That's it. My heart was broken but I had to hurt him to make him never want to search me. I couldn't erase the look of betrayal on his face from my mind when he accepted my words as truth. Remus's gaze suddenly became desperate, resigned. It was as if he expected this to happen one day. This broke my heart even more. I could harden myself and wouldn't let this affect my decision. It was the only choice I had. I was killer. Someone made me a killer. I had to find him, but without risking the lives of my loved ones.
I left Remus in the room; he didn't move a bit when I passed him. I had been so close to turning around and hug him, to telling him all of this was a lie. He loved me despite my many, seemingly unforgivable faults. I left him out of fear. Fear of someone hurting him because of me. The words I spoke were daggers and my actions venom. Combined was a brutal massacre of a loving heart. I hate myself for this. But I had to do it.
Sirius was standing at the end of the corridor. His face was resigned, as if he knew what I was going to do and why I was doing it. He was like me. He would do the same. He did nothing to stop me.
I left the house on Grimmauld Place12. I left my heart there.
Then I did everything by inertia, without thinking. I apparated near a near a forest, far to the north, where I had gone as a child with my grandmother on a trip. I did not specifically mean this place. It was just my first thought. I pitched a tent and defended the place with a few spells. That was it. I spent the remainder of the day in bed. I just wanted to sleep. Night had come and the cold began to enter the tent. The soft sounds coming from outside reminded me of those I heard from Remus's house. Everything reminded me of him.
A stray tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. I could still feel his kisses on my lips. I had to do it. I repeated this to myself trying to forget the pain on his face. Finally, my brain told my body to get up. I really needed to think about where I went from here. I couldn't stay in this place forever. I had to find the man who had bewitched me for the last two days. And I had a clear idea where to start.