Dear readers,
I have been absent for a long period of time due to nothing but zero inspiration or motivation. Even though I miss writing a lot I still can't seem to get the words out the way I want them to and it's frustrating as hell. This is just a one shot drabble that I scribbled down (it took me a while) just to keep myself going. As I said, inspiration and storylines are, at the moment, very sparse.
A sudden death.
It was just before noon when Olivia received a phone call from Fin, bringing terrible news relating to the blonde haired detective on the team and Olivia's girlfriend of about six months. It was pouring rain outside and had been since very early that morning. Large drops hitting the windows with such force that it threatened to break the glass at times, or so it seemed. People running along the sidewalks with portfolios over their heads to protect themselves from the downpour while others scurried into corners and entrances of various shops, desperately trying to stay dry but to no avail as the wind was carrying the rain in different directions. It was definitely a day for the ducks.
The senior detective, now Lieutenant, had been feeling under the weather for the past few days and had not even attempted to go into work as her temperature had been way too high. Amanda, herself, had threatened to shadow her literally everywhere and anywhere she went if she did decide to enter the 1-6 precinct and that had been enough for Olivia to make up her mind and stay at home. However, three days later she was definitely on the mend and felt a whole lot better, preparing to go back to the station the next day.
Amanda had left the bed that morning with a loving kiss on Olivia's forehead, checking for a fever before getting up and getting ready to face the miserable wet day, hoping the time would pass quickly so she could get back home to her girlfriend, the sooner the better.
Her wish had come true but in the most horrible way possible and she was now sitting in the passenger seat, distant, cold and empty while Carisi drove down the flooded streets of Manhattan. Her body was chilled to the bone but yet she didn't, or couldn't, feel it as her mind was in shock and she simply couldn't comprehend or pay any attention to what was going on around her. She was, however, aware that Carisi was speaking to her but his words just weren't audible to her ears and she didn't have a clue of what he was saying but it must've been the likes of 'everything will be okay, we're all here for you and let us know if there's anything we can do'. Those would be the proper words to say to someone in Amanda's current situation .
She felt slightly nauseous and took a long deep breath to try and settle her stomach but it didn't seem to have any effect as it only made her more conscious about it, hoping she wouldn't lose the contents of her stomach inside Carisi's brand new Audi. Instead, she tried to focus her eyes on the crowded streets ahead but even that proved to be too difficult as her gaze seemed to wander to a particular spot on the dashboard just in front of her. A small scratch, barely visible to the naked eye, very close to the glove compartment and she wondered if Carisi knew that it was there.
It was funny how neat and tidy, almost immaculate, the young male detective was and how everything, on his desk for example, had to be turned in the right direction, angled properly so that he could sit down and do his job without having to look at an untidy desk. The team members often made jokes about it by sometimes rotate the things on his desk, make them face the opposite direction or place dirty coffee cups on it just to see his reaction. Even though he did sometimes find it annoying he still appreciated the banter and the laughs they shared over something so small and trivial but Carisi figured that maybe it was a distraction from all the dark and vile things they experience every day at work and feeling the need to lighten the atmosphere and mood a little bit.
However, now was not the time to inform her co worker about an insignificant miniscule interior scratch and redirected her gaze towards the passenger window, watching the drops of rain roll down the thick glass, creating small patterns in their wake. The sound of the heavy drops was somewhat soothing but also caused tears to sting her eyes for the hundredth time over the space of an hour but she refused to let them fall, refused to cry in front of her team members, refused to break.
Her gaze was still glued to the droplets on the window when Carisi pulled the car to a stop. However, Amanda still didn't register the sudden change in movement and continued to stare absentmindedly through the clear glass, obviously not aware of anything happening around her.
"Amanda?!"
Blue eyes fluttered and she turned her head to look at her friend as she felt a gentle hand on her lower arm, squeezing it lightly to get her attention. "Wh... What?" she stuttered, her own voice sounding alien even to her own ears.
"We're here. Would you like me to walk you up?" he knew how much Amanda hated being coddled or treated differently but he couldn't help but to be concerned and wanted to make sure she got upstairs and inside the apartment safe and sound. Any decent human being would offer.
"I... No, that's okay." She said in a hoarse voice, clearing her throat as she opened the door and immediately felt the rain hitting her. "Um, thank you."
Carisi didn't have time to respond before Amanda had gotten out of the car and slammed the door shut then walked slowly up to the main door of the apartment building, getting soaking wet in the matter of a few seconds. Looking up to where he knew their apartment was located he spotted Liv in the window giving him a small smile and a wave as a thank you for bringing her home and that she would be looked after. He flashed his lights twice before once again pulling out into the nearly flooded streets.
Olivia was ready with a blanket in her hands, the bathtub had been filled with hot water and calming bath salts and a warm flannel pyjama rested on the side of the tub with a pair of woolly socks, knowing that her girlfriend always complained about her toes being freezing cold.
As soon as she had gotten the phone call about the sudden death of Amanda's mother she was sure her heart had stopped for a second, not believing what she was being told but she knew that Fin would never joke about something like that. No one in the squad would joke about something so serious. The time she had spent waiting had been nothing but torturous and full of dread. Amanda was a complex human being and sometimes even Olivia had a hard time reading her, trying to figure out what she was feeling or thinking, trying to predict what would happen next. Usually she was right but during traumatic or even devastating situations she could be very difficult to understand and Olivia found herself slightly nervous about how to approach the woman when she came through the door.
Her first instinct was to comfort. She wanted to wrap her girlfriend in her arms, hold her tight and whisper soothing nothings into her ear. Her other instinct was to nurture. Olivia had always been a nurturing person, always putting others before her own needs and helped the ones that were in need of assistance and guidance, providing support whenever she could. However, it was a whole different ballgame when something like this happened to someone you love, plus she didn't know in which state Amanda would be in when she came through the front door. Her fussing and coddling could make things ten times worse and cause Amanda to lash out in anger but did she really care about that right now?
All her apprehensions and fears immediately dissipated when the door finally opened and a small, defeated and drenched figure emerged into the hallway, head hung low, body shivering uncontrollably as she fumbled with the door handle before fully closing it. As soon as blue eyes made contact with Olivia's brown, the brunette gasped at the pure utter sorrow and grief that was so clearly projecting through thin and fragile lenses. Her mixed emotions and thoughts, she had been experiencing just a few seconds ago, flew out the window and nothing else mattered other than having her girlfriend wrapped in her arms.
Amanda herself had been quite anxious about coming home, knowing that Olivia would be worried and concerned about her wellbeing and would more than likely ask questions, make a fuss over her and make sure she was taken care of. Amanda Rollins could take care of herself.
Or so she thought.
Just like Olivia, her worries, along with her high built walls, melted away as their eyes met and Amanda could feel herself losing it,- quickly. The sobs she had held in for so long were now starting to rip through her clogged throat, her chest seizing and head pounding as she fought against it, knowing fully well that it was futile.
"Oh, baby." Liv whispered, her words slipped on their own accord with tears burning in her own eyes as she took a step towards the distraught woman, not sure whether to approach Amanda fully or wait until the blonde took the initiative to do so herself, on her own terms.
It was hard for Olivia to hold her ground and not rush to her girlfriend's side after seeing the look of despair on the younger woman's face. The apprehensions she had felt only moments ago were now completely gone and she couldn't stop herself from taking yet another step closer.
Amanda seemed to be frozen to the floor where she was standing, dripping wet and shaking. She wanted to move forward, wanted to walk the five or six steps that were between them but she had lost all energy and her legs could simply not carry her that far as she was already struggling to stand. The only body parts she seemed to be able to move were her arms and, even though that too was extremely difficult, she somehow managed to raise them slightly in the air in front of her as her face crumbled.
Olivia was there in an instant, to keep her from hitting the hard floor, and tightly wrapped her arms around the quivering form and pulled her as close as possible against her front, gasping as she made contact with Amanda's frozen skin. "Oh, my baby! My sweet sweet girl, I'm so sorry. So so sorry." She cooed, her warm lips brushing against the shell of Amanda's ear, concerned with how cold she actually was.
The warmth enveloped the frozen and shivering form, penetrating icy skin causing the younger woman to sag more heavily against her as she gasped for breath, trying to cling to the material of Olivia's top but her fingers were too cold to get a proper grip. Her legs suddenly gave out from underneath her but Liv was holding her so tightly that it stopped her from hitting the ground with her knees. She just shook against Olivia's front, not able to speak or even move and she could feel the taller woman hoisting her up in a bridal style position and quickly made her way into their bedroom where she immediately began to remove Amanda's drenched clothing.
"It's okay, darling, I just have to get you warm and dry before anything else." Olivia worked quickly but it proved to be quite difficult to undress someone wearing soaking clothes as it stuck to the body like a second skin. Eventually she managed to dress the blonde in a warm fleece pyjama along with a pair of fluffy bed socks before nearly ripping off her own clothes, having gotten soaked after carrying her girlfriend into the bedroom earlier.
"Are you warm enough, honey?" It was a stupid question really. Amanda obviously didn't give a damn if she was cold or not and she nearly rolled her eyes at herself for even asking. "What do you need, sweetie? What can I do to make things even the slightest bit better for you?" Olivia hated to feel so helpless. Never had she felt more useless and inadequate as she did in this very moment and it was a feeling she never wanted to feel again, especially when it came to Amanda.
Teary blue eyes fluttered as they looked up at the older woman she loved and admired so much it sometimes hurt. "Just make it stop." She mumbled, nose stuffy and chin wobbling like a toddler who had missed their afternoon nap.
Liv frowned at the statement and couldn't quite figure out what she meant by it. "Make what go away, honey?" she softly questioned as she crunched down in front of her defective, tucking damp blonde hair behind Amanda's ear with gentle fingers, knuckles brushing against her cold cheek.
A shuddering breath could be heard inside the room before Amanda placed a shaky hand over her heaving chest and spoke in a whisper. "The pain."
It was heartbreaking to hear her love utter those words, not wanting her girlfriend to hurt in any kind of way, physical or mental and Olivia knew that this pain, this hurt, was emotional and would only soothe and heal with time. There was nothing anyone could do or say to make it better, not even Olivia herself.
The room was dark, only a bedside lamp was offering it's faint light, creating a soft glow. The tears began to burn in Olivia's eyes hearing her girlfriend confess to the emotional pain she was currently experiencing but she had no choice but to swallow her own feelings and focus her attention on Amanda. Not knowing what else to do or say, Olivia placed her right hand flush against the blonde's heaving chest, trying to somehow generate warmth and comfort into the broken soul in front of her. "My sweetest girl. I'm so sorry this happened." She whispered soothingly. "I'm here for whatever you need, sweetheart. Just let me know."
Amanda clutched at Olivia's hand that was positioned on her upper chest, trying to ground herself by grasping onto something, anything, to keep her from falling apart. Yet, it was futile. Her body shook as sobs spewed from her mouth and a guttural wail escaped without hesitation, the sound echoing through the room. Liv sprung from her position and immediately enveloped Amanda in a secure embrace, pulling her against her front as she got herself comfortable in a seated position resting against the headboard with the sobbing blonde cradle like a child, caressing damp fair tresses.
"Shhhh, that's it. That's my good girl. Just let everything go, sweetheart. I'm right here with you and I'm not going anywhere. Just close your eyes and try not to think about anything but getting some rest. I'll be right here the whole time, I promise."
Amanda cried for what seemed forever until exhaustion eventually took over and she finally drifted off into a fitful slumber, sobs intermittently tore through the silence but Liv was there to soothe every single one.
The End