Katie's point of view
Oliver and I returned home early from his parents' house. We'd planned to stay in Glasgow another night, but Oliver told his Mum we were both too hungover and took me home. He knew things were about to become dramatic, and neither of us wanted his parents to see.
When we landed in our living room, I made a beeline straight for my bedroom without a word. I unpacked my bag and sat on my bed, trying to think of ways to stall so I could linger in my room. I knew Oliver wanted to talk about what had happened but I was desperate to avoid it.
Oliver. Shit. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I threw myself backward and stared at the ceiling. I'd almost made it. I'd almost managed to get through Hogwarts and three years of living with Oliver without ruining our friendship. I'd always wondered if anything would ever happen between us, not necessarily because I wanted it to, but because everyone else did. For years, I put up with my friends and family hounding me about Oliver, asking when we were finally going to get together.
"It's not like that between us," I'd always insist. "He's my best friend. We'd never want to ruin that."
Sure, I'd always wondered about it. How could I not? Oliver was hot. But I always assumed I wasn't his type, and we were completely comfortable as best friends. It was as if Oliver and I had a silent agreement to never attempt it. But now the boundary had finally been crossed and I wasn't sure if there was any turning back.
I squeezed my eyes shut in attempt to block out the image of the previous night. I knew I was going to use alcohol as an excuse for kissing Oliver, but I also knew it wasn't the truth.
The truth was, I liked it. I wanted to do it again. I knew myself well enough that I'd probably blame it all on cold feet, that I was just nervous about the wedding and had too much to drink. I felt sick to my stomach. I knew myself well enough to know I was going to lie to everyone, and I hated that about myself.
"Kate?"
Shit. Oliver was standing in my doorway.
"Not now, Ol."
"Katie, come on." I was determined not to look at him as I heard his footsteps cross the room. "We need to talk about what happened."
"Nothing happened."
"Katie, come on. We can't act like it didn't."
I sighed and sat up. He positioned himself at the foot of my bed, sitting on the edge as if he was afraid to sit too close to me. "Fine," I said. "Let's talk."
Instead, he didn't say anything. I wanted to laugh at how ridiculous the situation had become. Finally, he shifted to face me better. "Kate, I want to make better sense of how you're feeling."
"Ol, you know I don't know."
"No," he said. "I don't want you to tell me how you think you should feel. I don't want you to tell me how you want to feel. I want to know how you genuinely feel. I want to know the thoughts in your head."
"It's none of your business!" I snapped.
"It's absolutely my business," he retorted. "It became my business when you decided to drag me into it."
"I didn't drag you anywhere! Just because I kissed you first doesn't mean I didn't notice you kissing me back." He didn't have a response for that. "Besides, we were both drunk! We were being stupid! We didn't know what we were doing!"
I was shouting now. And Oliver, in typical fashion, remained calm.
"Katie, we both knew what we were doing," he said quietly.
"No, we didn't! We had so much to drink, Oliver! It's not a big deal!"
It was as if I'd flipped a switch. "Katie, stop lying!" Now we were both yelling. Oliver was on his feet now, glaring down at me. "Stop lying and get out of your own head!"
"I'm not lying!"
"Yes, you are! You're lying about Chris. You're lying about what happened with me. You're lying about your feelings just so you can make all your problems go away!"
"I didn't have any of these problems until recently! Everything was fine! I was happy, I was planning a wedding, we were fine. Now it's all fucked up and I don't know how to fix it."
"Why don't you try being honest for once?"
"I am being honest! I don't know what to do!"
"Then just do what you want!" he exclaimed. "Stop doing things just because you think they're the right thing to do! Stop insisting you want to marry Chris, just because you're afraid of hurting him. Stop planning the stupid wedding you don't even want. Stop saying nothing happened between us last night when you were the one who initiated it!"
"I told you, I was drunk and acting stupid!"
"But you still did it! You saw or felt something that made you want to kiss me."
"So?!"
I had no defense for myself. I had kissed Oliver because I wanted to. Because something inside me told me to do it. Because I'd realized that Oliver was the most important man in my life.
"So do you still want to marry Chris?" Oliver continued.
"No!"
"Then what's the problem?"
"Because it's not that simple, Ol!" I exclaimed, tears streaming down my face. "I can't just snap my fingers and make things go back to normal. They won't just return to the way they used to be. Things are complicated now. I'm supposed to get married in a few weeks."
"You aren't supposed to do anything!" he replied. It'd been a long time since I'd seen him this frustrated and I didn't understand. He'd said he wasn't mad at me about the kiss, so I didn't understand why he was so upset. I knew he didn't like Chris, but his level of frustration seemed beyond his usual annoyance. "There's nothing you're supposed to do. Quit focusing on expectations and just do what you feel in your heart for once!"
"It's not. that. simple!"
"Only because you're making it that way!" He exhaled aggressively and suddenly his voice became calm again. "Katie, it doesn't have to be like this between us. It shouldn't be like this. We both know how it should be."
"And how should it be, Oliver?"
A heavy silence returned to the room and I started to feel nervous as he gazed at me. His usual warm eyes were cool this time. His jaw was clenched and I could see his chest rising and falling with every breath.
"It should be you and me," he started. His tone was quiet and clear. "It should be you and me in our flat, eating takeout and fighting over who left the dishes in the sink." I realized he was repeating my own words back to me, but he continued. "And it should be you and me, staying up until sunrise talking about nothing. It should be you and me, laughing over our inside jokes. It should be you and me, taking all those trips to see all the faraway places you've dreamt about. It should be you and me, no one else, forever."
"What are you saying?"
He threw his hands in the air and spun on his heel, retreating to the door. "Nevermind," I heard him mutter.
"No wait!" I scrambled off the bed to my feet and followed him into the hallway. "Oliver, stop. What did you mean?" He spun around to face me. At first, I thought he looked angry but as he caught my gaze, I realized he looked exhausted.
"Katie, think about it," he said. "There's a reason we are the way we are. There's a reason I know why you're scared of pigeons. There's a reason I know why you won't eat fish. There's a reason I know how you broke your arm when we were 13. There's a reason why I let you steal all my shirts." He took a step toward me and I opened my mouth to speak, but he shook his head and held my gaze. "And there's a reason I don't bring other women home with me. There's a reason I stay up late to make sure you get home all right. There's a reason you're always the one in the newspaper with me. There's a reason I'm always the one that's here for you."
I felt defeated. I was out of things to say because I knew he was right. I'd already admitted that he was the one person I counted on. But I didn't understand why he was making a point out of all this.
"And what's the reason, Oliver?"
He looked as if I'd socked him in the face. "You really don't get it, do you?"
"No! Enlighten me!" I demanded. He looked so frustrated, I started to worry he was going to punch the wall. Instead, he leaned against the wall and folded his arms across his chest.
"Katie," he said calmly. "What do you see when you look at me?
"What?"
"Just answer the question."
"I see… you, Ol. I see my best friend. I see the most important person in my life."
"Do you know what I see? I see my best friend, and I see the only woman I've ever loved. I see the one person I can trust when everyone else just wants my photo or to gossip about me. I see the only person I want to be around, and the only person who reminds me how to be myself." I felt winded. Oliver's words hung in the air over us in quiet hallway. "Katie, say something."
"What do you want me to say, Ol?"
"Anything." He looked pissed again. "No, you know what? I want you to say how you really feel. I want you to say what's really on your mind. I want you to say why you really kissed me last night."
"I'm not doing this," I said, pushing past him. I made my way through the living room and into the kitchen.
"Katie, answer me!" I realized I had nowhere to go. Oliver had followed me and now I was trapped between the table and counter. "Why did you kiss me?" he demanded again.
"I don't know! I was-"
"Don't say you were drunk."
"But I was!"
"So was I. But that's not an excuse."
"I don't know why," I said. "It just happened. I'm not denying I did it, but I don't know why."
Oliver had had enough, and I can't say I blamed him. He was a bleeding heart right now and I was still shutting him out. He knew I was, I knew I was, and I knew why I was doing it. But I wasn't ready to discuss it.
Oliver turned and, though I was no longer cornered, I didn't move. "I'm going for a walk," he said. "I'll see you later."
Every neuron in my brain screamed at me to stop him, but I couldn't open my mouth. I had the words. All I had to do was say, "Stop!" but I couldn't manage them. So instead, I watched Oliver leave, slamming the door shut behind himself.