A Matter of Honor

by wingkia

A story that developed from a Reddit challenge 'A Mother Like No Other' (I go by MetusR there), this one follows a Commander as he discovers his past and builds a future for himself.

15. Chapter 15

Part Fifteen – Hope and Dreams

I was surprised how fast the week went by, doubly so when I looked at myself in the mirror in my dress uniform for the gala. I had to admit the red jacket fitted snuggly to my frame, the freshly pressed black slacks looked immaculate, and yet I couldn't help but worry. Tonight was going to have a lasting effect on my life and I had no say in what was going to happen, and that I found extremely frustrating.

I run my hands through my hair and sigh, it was really happening tonight, after tonight my life wouldn't be the same and I reflected on how much my life had changed in this past year. I hear a knock at my door and I call out, "It's open."

When my door opened I saw my mother enter my room and she looked, off. But I had to admit she looked very good in her yellow evening gown. I raised an eyebrow and asked, "What's wrong Mom?"

She sighed and folded her arms under her bust after closing the door, I could see she wanted to say something, but something was stopping her. After a few moments, she sat on the end of my bed and looked at me as she said, "You look very dashing, your betrothed is going to be very happy."

Wait, hold up… betrothed?

"So you know who it's going to be?" I ask her as I turn and face her.

She nods, and again looks like she wants to say something but stops herself and says, "I do, but I cannot say… I've been commanded by Her Majesty to keep the information to myself."

I look around my room and shrug before saying, "It's just us… how would she know?"

My mother shakes her head as she says, "It doesn't work like that Mitchel… Have you noticed that Her Majesty can make you do something you don't want to?"

I nod my head up and down, ever since I got registered with the RN fleet here, I'd noticed that when the Queen would say jump, I would ask how high? Even if I didn't want to do as she ordered…

Wales crosses her knees and rests her chin on her right palm and says to me, "She is our flagship, which gives her power over us… She tries to avoid using it on us, but sometimes, like now, she does and it makes things difficult."

That was when it hit me, I remember from the academe something about protocols to help keep kansen in line... oh hell…

I sit beside my mom and lean against her shoulder and ask, "Is she going to force me to marry whoever she decided on?"

My mother nodded and sighed as she added, "And command you to do everything you can to produce an offspring by the end of the year."

I sigh heavily, looking at the floor before asking, "Can you give me a hint about who she selected?"

I could see my mother's brow working, trying to find a way to say something before she said, "She is kansen."

I give a laugh and shake my head as I say, "That's not much to go on…"

She laughs and wraps an arm around my shoulders as she tells me, "No, it's not."

"Will I be happy, though?" I ask.

My mother sighs, looking down and saying, "In time, I suspect so."

Well… that's a committed answer…

"Is she Gneisenau?" I ask, trying to avoid sounding hopeful.

When my mother doesn't answer, I get my answer. And honestly, it feels like a kick in the teeth, it makes Akagi's words ring in my ears, what I want, doesn't matter. I look to the ground and repeated her words to me, "Akagi told me that night: What I want, doesn't matter… That…"

"Hurts." My mother says for me, I can see her looking at me, her red eyes full of tears before she adds, "Still, I hope you can find some happiness in the future Mitchel… she really is a lovely person, you just need to get to know her."

I sigh out, "Time, that's the one thing I have plenty of now… Mom, are you okay with this?"

I see her compress her lips before saying, "Not really, but I understand why Her Majesty is doing what she's doing… Just promise me, to try and be happy, okay?"

I give my mother a tight embrace as I say to her, "I'll try."

"Good boy. Now, remember, I love you and I am so proud of you… but we need to get down there now." She says to me after hugging back before standing and heading over to my door.

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I managed to get down to the ballroom and avoided being announced… mostly with the promise of getting my Aunt Howe to make some cookies for the J-class destroyers. I navigated to the balcony to overlook the room, I scanned the room below, from there I could see Ju… Commander Throne, she was talking with the Queen, my mother, and my Aunt George. I kept looking seeing if I could spot more friendly faces down there… sadly I didn't, but I did see Akagi along with a white fox and a black fox, which made me sigh inwardly, that was something I just didn't want to deal with.

"Good evening, Thunderer, how are you feeling this evening?" spoke a soft feminine voice that I know I'd heard at least once before, but I couldn't place a name or a face to it.

I turned slightly to see a woman with long white hair, that had white and blue feathers in it, a white dress, white stockings, and blue high heeled shoes, I know that I've seen her before, but damned if I can remember where or who she is. She frowns a little when she can see that I'm trying to place her, after a moment she puts on a smile as she apprises me with her blue eyes and introduces herself again, "Illustrious."

Right! Now I remember, I met her the other night…

I watch as she leans forward against the railing, looking down at the party as she continues, "I was looking forward to chatting with you the other night…"

I nod and return to leaning over the railing as I say, "Sorry about that, life had other plans for me that night."

She nods as she says, "I heard, how was Miss Gneisenau?"

I sigh and run a hand through my hair as I say, "I think she was disappointed… And I think she's going to be disappointed tonight too."

Illustrious nods as she confirms, "Likely."

I give her a sideways glance and ask, "Do you know who I'm being given too?"

She nodded as she said, "I do, but I cannot say."

"Did she issue a command through flagship protocol?" I ask her.

Again she nods… damn that half-pint.

With another heavy sigh, I ask, "Do you know if I'll be happy with whom it is?"

She shrugged and said, "I am sure she will do what she can to try and find some happiness with you."

I nod and ask, "How do you think she feels about it?"

Illustrious sighs and says to me, "Conflicted, she likely knows why she's doing this. She is also likely proud to be serving the greater good for her leader but is likely unhappy with the fact that she is going to be giving herself to someone she doesn't know, giving her body to be used to birth your offspring."

Huh… I hadn't thought about it from that side of things. Sudden my mother's words made more sense, about trying to find some happiness. I turn to look back out at the floor below and say to Illustrious, "I hope she knows I'll do my best to treat her with respect and not take advantage of this situation."

"I'm sure she does." Illustrious says to me with a heavy sigh.

As the music picked up into a new song, she asked me "The orchestra has started playing, would you like to dance with me?"

Once we were out on the dance floor, Illustrious slid her hand into mine before taking hold of my opposite shoulder, I slid my other hand to the small of her back, causing her cheeks to flush as she whispered to me, "As dance partners, we should hold hands like this… but please don't do anything inappropriate."

I laugh as I say to her, "I'll try."

She nodded before leaning in and whispering as we started to make our way through the waltz, "You can sneak a peek, they are rather prominent."

It took me a moment to catch her meaning, once I did I felt my cheeks get hot as I whisper back, "I'm trying to not be inappropriate…"

She gave a soft giggle at my words; I could see her brow working to find a way to say something, before she settled on, "Based on this alone, I know she will have nothing to worry from you of being a beast."

I sigh inwardly as I ask, "Is there going to be a time when you can tell me who it is?"

She sighs while looking down and saying, "Only after you know."

I nod and twist us around in the dance as I say to her, "Well, I know it's not Gneisenau, based on my mother's lack of confirmation when I asked her if it was… I know it's not going to be Akagi, considering how Her Majesty feels about the Sakura Empire…"

I pause and appraise her carefully and ask, "Is it you?"

She goes bright red and tries desperately to avoid eye contact with me before whispering ever so quietly, "Would you be disappointed if I was?"

Well… I guess I have my answer.

I shake my head as I whisper into her ear, "My question would be, would I be a disappointment to you, if you are?"

Her cheeks went a deeper red as she shook her head and whispered, "No… but it would take some getting used to."

The dance came to an end there, I was about to say something when I felt a nudge in my back, I turned to see Warspite standing there, clearly not dressed for a ball and she said to me, "Her Majesty would like a word."

I gulp to myself, there was something about the tone of voice that Warspite used that left little doubt this wasn't a request.

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I had been taken to a little room just off to the side of the main hall, once I was in there I saw the half-pint queen standing there, somehow managing to look regal, when she noticed me she looked to Warspite and said, "That will be all, Warspite, please go and enjoy the ball… We will be fine."

As she said that last part, her blue eyes locked onto my red ones, behind me I heard the door close. After a moment the Queen finally spoke to me, "We wanted to speak to you first so that you would not be surprised by Our decision…"

"You chose Illustrious... you made that choice before I even brought forth mine, didn't you?" I challenge her with my question.

I see her lips compress as she straightens her back, folding her hands in front of her as she says, "You are correct on both counts."

I felt rage. Rage at this little old dreadnaught that I knew I could annihilate with a single broadside, yet I found myself asking through gritted teeth, "Then what was the point of even asking me?"

"To give you the illusion of choice, We would have preferred if you chose Illustrious or even North Carolina. But Gnesienau was never going to be a viable option for this… nor was Akagi." She says to me, her voice level and controlled.

I took a step forward and she raised one hand, in a cool and commanding tone she said one word, "Halt."

My legs got heavy and I instantly knew what this was…

"We do not enjoy having to use these commands, but We know when We should." She says as she lowers her hand again.

I watch as she walks around to the side of me and tells me, "We made this choice because We want to be sure that it works. At least with Illustrious, We have some control and assurances that any offspring will not be used against Us."

My eyes narrowed at her, I was still filled with fury at this, she turned to look at me over her shoulder as she says, "No matter what you think Thunderer, no matter what choice We made about this, it would invite conflict. At least this way, We are assured that you are not forced into a difficult position."

I balled my fists, I wanted to strike at her, yet she changed the subject, "We were also asked for recommendations by the new base commander, for kansen to send for a joint deployment with the Atlantic fleet. We suggested you as our detachment flagship… do not make Us regret this."

My left eye twitched; on one hand, she was showing me respect and trust to lead a squadron, but on the other, she's robbed me of any real choice of anything. I felt one of her small hands on the middle of my back as she added, "We suggest you turn in for the evening so that you will be in good shape to meet with Commander Thorne in the morning."

"Yes, Your Majesty." I say to her through gritted teeth.

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The next day I arrived early at the command center and stood at the door to the secretarial office, hands folded behind my back and I waited to see who would come and open the door. From behind me, I hear the clicking on heels and I turned slightly to see who was walking towards the door. I saw a slender blond in a white top with a red skirt, when her blue eyes landed on me, she started to pick up her pace while she stuck a hand into her skirt to take out some keys as she said, "I'm sorry! I overslept…"

As she fumbled with the keys in the door she asked me, "Do you have an appointment?"

I sigh before I say, "I should… I take it Commander Throne isn't in yet?"

The blond shook her head as she said, "Not with the door being locked… can I get you a cup of tea or coffee while you wait?"

After she entered and started to turn on the lights, I sighed inwardly, it'd been so long since I was in this room. Out of the corner of my eyes I watched as she ducked into the kitchenette and I said to her, "Yes, a cup of tea would be welcomed…"

From the little room, I hear her say to me, "I'm Leander by the way, may I ask your name so that I can check it against the schedule?"

"Thunderer." I say to her.

In time with my words, I heard the sound of something shattering against the ground and she looked around the side of the wall and said, "No… You're… you're…"

"Yes, I am. It's a long story." I say to her, I really didn't feel like retelling this story for the hundredth time.

There was an awkward silence that fell over the room that was thankfully broken by the door opening and I saw Commander Throne walking in, a cup of tea in her hand and massive bags under some bloodshot eyes, when she saw me she came to a quick stop and tripped over her own tongue, "Mit… Thunderer, what can I do for you, so early in the morning?"

I sigh inwardly; clearly, she stayed out too late. I look to the kitchenette as I say, "Perhaps we should discuss this in your office Commander Throne."

She was quick to show me into her office, turning only to put her hat on the rack and hanging her jacket by the door as she asked again, "What's on your mind?"

I took a seat and looked out the window over the port, in the distance I could see my hull floating in the water, like some imposing monster. After she sat down I spoke my mind, "My Queen suggested that I speak to you about this operation…"

I watched as Julia nodded, sipping her tea before digging in her desk for something as she said, "Yes, Queen Elizabeth suggested you for the taskforce flagship."

Julia found what she was looking for, a little pill bottle. She took out two little pills, popping them in her mouth and taking a sip of her tea again before continuing, "I've been asked to commit a squadron of kansen to an operation in the med."

Those words made me tilt my head to the side which caused her to ask, "Is this an operation that would interest you?"

"It does, to a degree, what can you tell me about it?" I ask her.

She nods before asking me, "Before I can go over anything with you, what can you tell me about your capabilities… I've poured over the reports and blue-prints but I can't find anything on your hull…"

I nod and fill her in on the maximum range of my guns, the dispersion of them, penetration power, and fuse length of the shells. When I was done she whistled and said, "You were made to kill battleships it sounds like."

I sigh and look off to the side as I say to her, "That was the original intent, yes."

"Good. High Command hopes that a show of force is all that is going to be needed, but we want to be able to back up that show of force if needed." She says to me, leaning back in her chair. I could tell from how she moved that she was crossing her knees in the process.

"Are you going to tell me about this operation now?" I ask, I really needed this to get my mind off of what happened last night.

"We've been hearing rumblings about the Sardegna Empire that they might be planning on making a push to take advantage of the civil war going on with the Iris." She says to me.

It made sense why the half-pint put me up; I was one of the fastest battleships in this detachment, the most heavily armed and armored… that was when I asked, "And High Command is worried that intervention is required?"

She nods and tries to avoid my eyes as she adds, "I was glad that you were suggested to me… I had no choice but to tell High Command about you… Your existence scares the crap of them, Mitchel…"

I nod before saying, "So for them it is win-win. If there is fighting and I go down, then they no longer have to worry about me. Or I prove my worth to them by slaying other kansen… something that hasn't really happened."

She nods and I sigh as I say, "Talk about a hell of a raw deal for me…"

Julia leans forward across her desk to place a hand on my arm as she says, "I'll admit it sucks, and I think you've been nothing but screwed for most of the last year…"

I nod as I say, "Thank you for your faith in me, Commander Throne, I accept the task."

She relaxes and takes her hand off of my arm before she leans back in her chair and says, "Good, I'll have your orders ready by the end of the day, I'd like you to be ready to ship out by the fifth of this month."

I stand and start to make my way to the door as I say, "Good, that will give me enough time to pack and make sure that supplies are loaded."

She nodded and said to me, "Sounds good Thunderer, I'll try to have a list of your escorts to you as soon as possible… you're dismissed."

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Later that day I was on the docks, looking over the list of supplies that the manjuu were going to be sending down for me, along with a few meowficers. I found myself actually looking forward to this deployment… I found it oddly calming to know that I was going to be away from this place for a while.

My concentration was broken by a melodic voice saying, "A trip to the Mediterranean will be most wonderful."

I look up from my list and see Illustrious walking down the docks, her white dress somehow managing to be both suggestive and innocent at the same time, as I raise an eyebrow at her she offers me a soft smile as she says, "I am going with you. Once I heard about the operation, I volunteered."

"Why?" I ask her as I click my pen closed.

She shrugs as she comes to a stop before me and says, "Two reasons I guess. I like the air there, it's calming… the other is it will allow us to get to know one another."

Before I can say anything, she moves past me to stand at my hull, taking off a glove she starts to rub that hand along the metal of it as she says, "I can feel that this was crafted in darkness for a very dark reason…"

She paused to look over her shoulder at me and adds, "Don't let the origin of your hull define you."

I sigh and move to stand beside her as I say, "This is after the repaint… this hull used to be so dark in color, it was like it sucked light in…"

She nods as she tells me, "Then let me be the light to guide you away from that darkness."

I was about to say something when she added, "You try to hide it, but the darkness that this was crafted in, is still in you."

I look down at my feet as I think about how mad I am, how much I want to strike back at the Queen… how I know I could with ease. I sigh out, "Maybe there is something dark in me, but I'm trying to not lean into it."

I feel her hand touch my chest just above my heart as she says, "There are two of us; one that feeds on hate and anger, the other that feeds on love and happiness… you need to choose which one you want to feed."

I nod, I'd heard the story of two dogs before, and I admit to her, "It's hard, this year has been extremely hard for that…"

Illustrious takes her hand from my chest to my chin, her hand felt so soft and warm as she said, "That was last year. Treat this year as something new, look at it in a new light."

I look her in her blue eyes and I ask, "How can you be so optimistic?"

She smiles a warm inviting smile as she says, "It's easy; we all have a choice… mostly. I'll admit some things we do not have a choice in."

She bit her lower lip before adding, "I had a choice to be Her Majesty's choice or not. I knew going into it, what I would be asked to do if I accepted. I spent time consulting with Prince of Wales, Howe, Duke of York, and King George once she was here, on the kind of person you are before I accepted Her Majesty's offer."

"And what did you learn?" I ask her, now I was well and curious.

She smiled again and said, "That you are at a crossroads in your life and are adjusting to drastic changes to who you are. I also learned that you will need a calming presence in your life to help you navigate those changes."

After a moment Illustrious adds, "I know Her Majesty is desperate to see if we can produce another like you, but I would rather get to know you first… After all, we are going to be together for a long time."

I give a half laugh before I say to her, "That sounds like a good plan… but I need to apologies to someone first."

Illustrious shook her head and gave me a sad look as she said, "I already spoke with Miss Gneisenau... I'm sorry to say that I think she was relieved that she didn't have to go through with this."

I sigh inwardly and nod my head; that made sense. The last time I spoke with her, I got the impression that she didn't really want to go through with this. I take a moment before I say, "That is… unfortunate, but not unexpected. As an aside, do you know who else is being assigned to this task force?"

She nodded and reached into her top to take out a folded letter and handed it to me, opening it I saw a list of three names in addition to Illustrious, Javelin, Black Prince, and London. I fold the paper and hand it back to Illustrious as I ask, "Do you think we should travel on our own hulls or on one?"

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A/N: Chapter fifteen done. And now we head into the Italian Vacation. I know Illustrious being the one he's paired with in the end seems out of left field, but I like the idea for the growth of Thunderer's character, as he learns to let go of the past.