The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Chapter 11: Esther - Part 6: About Making a Choice
Kronos: "We never raise a blade against each other, isn't that right, Methos?"
Methos: "You said it."
(Highlander: TV series - from episode 'Revelation 6:8')
Bronze Age – ca. 1700 B. C.
Had it been an hour?
Had it been a day?
Or had it been a week since I lay upon my knees down at the cliff's foot, unable to move, unwilling to release the lifeless body I still held in my arms?
I did not know and I did not care.
Why should I have felt the need of returning to a life which forced me to leave everything behind having ever had a meaning to me and which took everything away from me I deeply loved...again and again...?
How could I be sure, it would not tear me into shreds, one day?
Because, I always survived?
Because, I should have gotten used to it by now?
How could I...?
No, I didn't care that I, the immortal, grieved for her, the mortal, for the sweet illusion of bliss and love and for me, who should have been aware of the fact, that it would have ended this way anyway, one day.
But was there really a difference between losing her today and losing her somewhen later?
Was there really a difference between the pain and the emptiness I felt today and the pain and the emptiness I would feel somewhen later?
Was it easier to mourn about a lost love, if it happened on another day?
Somewhen later?
And what was 'later' supposed to mean?
Ten years? Thirty? Fifty?
It didn't matter, how long it would have lasted, it would always just have been a blink of an eye or a single breath of air measured by all those years I had outlived, already, by everything I had seen up till today, and by everything I was supposed to see within a far distant and uncertain future.
No, it didn't matter and kneeling here at this beautiful shore, I could hardly bear the thought of leaving Esther behind. She still looked so beautiful, so innocent, so sweet. I still felt her fingers buried within my hair, her lips kissing mine and her soft and warm skin next to mine when she nestled up against me at night.
Esther!
Still reluctant to accept her death, I knew I had to, anyhow.
With sunset getting closer, a chilling breeze sprung up, carried over from the open sea. I shivered within my seawater-soaked clothes and I knew, I could not longer stay here, equal, how much I longed for doing so and despite the fact, that I would not die from getting me a cold.
I had no choice, I had to leave...
For one last time I breathed a kiss upon those sweet, but now so pale lips of the woman I kept within my arms, then, I decided to bury her right here on the spot, close to the enchanting cave with its pool of silvery shimmering water she had discovered shortly after we did set up camp. I was convinced, her soul would rest peacefully within this beautiful place she had loved so well.
There were enough stones spread around the shore, I could use to pile up a plain grave-mound and while I did so, tears were streaming down my dusty cheeks until I had finished my mournful work.
I forced myself not to look back when I climbed up the narrow path with my hands trembling and with my eyes tired, hot and dry, while being hungry, thirsty and utterly exhausted - and very well aware that I had not much time left, if I wanted to leave everything behind...
But was this, what I really wanted?
All alone and desperate as I felt within this moment, the thought of really leaving everything behind suddenly felt strange and senseless to me...
It was long after sunset when I returned to the camp, and I hoped no one would come across me, no one would ask me annoying questions and no one would feel the urge to keep me company tonight, but it was nothing but wishful thinking and I found all my hopes betraying me as soon as I entered my tent.
I had already sensed one of my brothers waiting for me...
"So, as I see, you made your decision, didn't you?" Kronos lay on my bed and beheld me, half in amusement and half appraisingly: "Looking at you, it seems, it had not been an easy decision to make, huh?"
I lowered my gaze unwilling to start another discussion with him. Instead, I reached out for the carafe of fresh water and a goblet and replied: "Why are you here? Surely not, to ask for my condition, right?"
"Barely! I'm just interested in one particular question..."
"That would be?"
"Where have you been?"
"You're sure, you don't know...?"
My answer must have sounded that sharp and bitter that not even Kronos could have missed its undertone. He laughed and sat up, holding Esther's slim and skilfully adorned dagger within his right, the strand of her black hair within his left, then, he remarked with cocked eyebrows: "Any problems with your little wild cat, brother? Is it your blood soaking the sheets or hers?" I kept silent and he went on: "Making a guess, I'd say it's yours! That's, what I already thought. So, she gulled you!" He shrugged and added: "I told you to take her as your slave and not as your lover. May I ask – did you find her? Again?"
I felt my sword within my hand before I even got aware of what I wanted to do.
"Yes", I hissed, barely able to restrain myself: "I found her. At the foot of the cliffs. She jumped!" I scanned his face for a reaction, but there was none, so, I went on: "How afraid must she have been of you to make jumping down the cliff her only way out? Know what? The pillowy sand down the cliffs prevented her from dying immediately! You're aware of what this means, aren't you? Her agony was painful and lasted unbearably long! She went through hell on earth and you caused her said hell, brother!"
"These mortals are much too fragile!" Kronos stated: "You should know this, Methos, shouldn't you? As I remember, you slew a few more than only one or two dozen of them yourself. So, why do you blame me? Was I supposed to know she would jump? Just because she spent a handful of nights within my bed instead of yours...?"
"You knew..."
"...you loved her?" Kronos stared at me icily and said: "What do you think? Of course, I knew! First, it was just an anticipation, but when you returned, figuring out I took her for my own pleasure, I got the certainty!" He drew his sword, twinkling in the half-light, but he made no effort to attack me: "You know, fighting against me will not provide any advantage for you. So, why make the try?"
"Who told you, I'd want said advantage?"
"You would never waste your life!"
"Maybe, maybe not..." The sword within my hand trembled and if it would have been just about me, I would not have hesitated to lunge at Kronos, but I was curious: "Just answer me one question: Did it satisfy you to take Esther and Cassandra away from me? Or was it all about something totally different?"
"Methos, you should know by now that you're of way more value to me than you might be willing to imagine. Why would I watch on without taking action how you're being converted by such random broads!"
"Converted?" I beheld Kronos and shook my head: "Do you really believe it needed Esther or Cassandra to get aware of how deeply I loathe all this meanwhile?" I made a gesture including my tent and with it the whole camp: "No, Kronos, I didn't need help to get to an awareness like this!"
"When? While you were busy killing all those innocent mortals together with us? While you were busy making eyes at your concubines? Or while you were busy mourning after your little mortal courtesan?"
Without thinking about the consequences I lunged at Kronos and even though I knew that everything, this fight, my life include, could find a rapid ending, I did not care any longer.
My blade hit Kronos' with all the impact, I was able to find. Anger, grief and exhaustion burned inside me like a fierce fire, out of control, untameable, and I felt like being obsessed with just one thought – to end this dispute smouldering for so long forever. Thereby, I did not notice, that he only warded off my flourishes and that he let it happen, that I disclosed my effeteness to him.
The damn fool I had been...
Not till I stumbled upon something behind me and ruggedly hit the floor, I got aware, how stupid I had been. I panted for air, drenched in sweat and feeling all weak and exhausted, while my hand carefully felt for my sword. I didn't succeed in picking it up, but saw Kronos' blade slowly lowering down on me, until its tip reached my throat. Still out of breath, I stared at him, the same surprised, determined and fearful, until I finally decided to close my eyes and to wait for the final strike that would end my life, take my head and provide Kronos with a powerful quickening.
Nothing happened...
Instead, I felt how the blade got drawn back. Kronos beheld me, half pitiful and half contented, not saying a word, while he reached his hand out for me to help me getting up. With a shrug he prepared for leaving, but just before I could breathe a sigh in relief, he turned round with an ambiguous smile upon his lips. Something slim and silvery got tossed through the tent and hit what it was supposed to hit – me...
It was Esther's dagger and it pierced my chest for the second time that day. I gasped for air and tried to reach my bed, before I would collapse, not really certain about what was worse – the pain or the awareness of having failed again.
To die once a day should have been enough, I told myself with a hint of sarcasm and fully aware that it would not be Esther I would find myself at mercy of, this time, but Kronos. Rerunning said experience for a second time in one day, was neither necessary nor was it excusable.
Kronos went down on a knee beside me, a broad gin upon his lips while he watched me die: "Maybe, you're now willing to pay me a little attention, brother." His hand closed round the narrow dagger's hilt when he went on: "I've neither in mind to kill you nor will I allow you to leave. As soon as you are back, I expect you to tell me everything about your little excursion. With daybreak we will ride and, believe me, Methos, I will not leave you a choice..."
He withdrew the dagger from the wound and watched how my life ebbed away for the second time that day.
I had no doubt about him enjoying it...
Remaining alone!
Had I ever longed for it that deeply?
As much as I tried, I couldn't remember. The more intense I felt the need for it as soon as we returned to our camp a couple of days later.
As always, the raid, the pillage and the killing had been successful, as always, we had been accompanied by fear, fright and infestation and as always, death and slavery had been the fate of all those having been unlucky enough to cross paths with us.
As always, everything had been as always – except of me...
It had been just a couple of days before we assaulted those poor devils, that they had provided me with kindness, hospitality, food, drink and a place to spend the night at. Now, several days later, many of them were dead and the rest would soon get sold to the first slave-trader we'd come across.
Shame was everything I felt about the role I played within this game of blood and death...no contentedness, no want to celebrate, no need to share the prey and no desire to stay close to my brothers in any way thinkable.
We had not even reached our camp, when I tore the mask off tossing it away with a curse and all the disgust I felt against myself. My hands and forearms were still covered in dried blood and the same went for my face and my once white cape and clothes.
I did not wait for Kronos, Silas and Caspian to follow me, but jumped off my horse, left it to the approaching slaves to take care of it and went straight over to my tent. Due to a porch it was chilly inside and nothing reminded of the fight Kronos and I had just a few days ago. When I had a look around, my gaze found my bed and it appeared more than alluring to me to crawl amongst its cushions, but then I remembered all the blood on my face and hands and I shivered at the thought of possibly falling asleep without having gotten rid of it before.
With a sigh, I searched for some clean clothes and sneaked out of my tent once more to head over to the cliffs and down the path straight towards the shore where I had buried Esther. I had no idea what was dragging me over there, but to me it seemed to be the only way to free myself from everything I had committed and experienced throughout the bygone days, and I knew, before I could free myself from all those memories, I had to rid myself of my clothes and the blood they were soaked with.
The pool of water within the small cave was shimmering from the inside when I hesitantly plunged a foot into it before I dared to slip in completely. The water was chilly, but not cold and for a split second, I was convinced I'd sense a soft touch on my skin. It was an illusion! What else could it be?
No one knew about this place and no one except of me stayed here within this moment, but when I closed my eyes to surrender to the liberating feeling of finally remaining on my own, the gentle touch recurred. Nearly, as if soft fingertips would caress my cheeks and clean my face.
A smile found its way upon my lips, the same bitter and relieved.
Maybe, there was more than one way leading towards immortality and, perhaps, it was, that Esther's soul chose this enchanting place to find eternal peace. I wished this to be true, even if I never believed in gods, in miracles or anything supernatural.
Maybe, this place owned its own and very special kind of magic...
When I got out of the water, my exhaustion and my resignation did vanish and had given way to something different – the awareness, that no one would keep me from leaving the camp and the life I had to live there.
I slipped into the clean and dry clothes in silence. Calm and finally aware of what I wanted.
Before I went to leave, I said silently good-bye to Esther and I knew as long as I would be able to keep a memory of her deep inside me, she would also be immortal...
As secretly as I sneaked out of the camp as secretly I returned and I was convinced, that no one had even noticed my absence.
I looked after my horse to be sure it would be rested, fed and watered. It was a part of me, a friend, and I knew, it wouldn't let out the slightest sound, if we would take flight together tonight.
Back inside my tent, I enlightened some candles and a handful of oil-lamps, then I gathered all those things that could possibly be of help and use while being on the run: A bundle of clothes, a blanket, water, dried fruits and what else eatable I was able to find. My weapons, enough gold and jewels to pay the captain of a ship, if necessary, and my diary...
The diary, yes!
The one passion, I felt caught by as long as I could remember, kept by me, since the beginning of writing. It was a strange and the same pleasing feeling to know that none of my memories and thoughts would get lost as long as I could keep them within said diary. I felt extraordinarily calm about it although I knew that all those thoughts and memories could also cost me my head some day. If my chronicles should ever end up within the wrong hands...
With a sigh, I tied my belongings together until I had two equally balanced bundles and I felt ready to leave.
While I had a last look around the tent, having been my home for so many years, my gaze found Esther's dagger still lying on the floor unnoticed. I picked it up and beheld it for a moment, not quite sure if I should take it – until some strands of my long, black hair fell into my eyes.
In a sudden decision I took the sharp little blade and started to cut off my hair, strand by strand, and with every strand falling to the floor I took leave from another part of my life. I paused for a moment, when I sensed one of my brothers approaching and if there was anything, I ever pleaded for, it was, that it might not be Kronos.
"Methos! Won't you come, brother?" I inwardly breathed a sigh in relief. It was Silas, who went in: "Your share of the prey..." He stopped short, when he found me, standing in the middle of my tent, a blade within my hand while cutting off thick strands of my hair: "What you're doing?"
"Something, I should have done long ago..."
"Your hair! You're in grief? Is it about the girl...?"
"Yes and no, my friend. She's not the only reason", I sighed: "Well, maybe, she is." I sighed again: "I could make a try to explain it all to you, but I'm not sure, if you'll get me."
Silas let his gaze wander about all around my tent, until he found my bundled up belongings beside my bed. He frowned and asked: "Going somewhere?"
"I..." Hesitating I let my hand sink and turned round to face him: "Yes! I have to go! Tonight!" I lowered my gaze and added: "And I've not in mind to come back..."
"Does Kronos know...?"
"No! And the longer he doesn't know, the better! Silas, you are my friend, my brother, and I could always trust in you. Now, I trust in you for not betraying me. Kronos must not learn about my disappearance. I want to get as many miles as possible between him and me till sunrise and, please, don't try to change my mind..."
"But we're the horsemen! Without you..."
"...life will still go on and the world will remain the same. You are a warrior, Silas, you will find a way to survive and so will Kronos and Caspian. You all are not in need of my skills any more."
"You're our brother!"
"Am I? Really?" I smiled a bitter smile and replied shaking my head: "I don't think I am. Not any more! If I should err, we will meet again, one day..."
"Promised?"
I nodded: "Promised!"
I had no idea, if Silas really understood what I tried to tell him, but he seemed to honestly feel sorry that I wanted to leave our brotherhood which led us all around two continents and uncountable countries for about a thousand years.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – always accompanied by fear, blood and death...
What I knew for sure was that, whatever it was, I felt for Cassandra and Esther, the love, the grief, the trust, would be a part of me from now on.
As well as the demon, who used to hide his face behind a terrible mask.
As well as Death, to whom it seemed so easy to wipe out a life.
As well as the man, who got that effortlessly high on the smell of fear and blood...
Silas freed me from making another decision. The giant dragged me over and pulled me in an embrace that tight, that I feared I'd run short of breath. A mix of sadness and awareness got mirrored upon his round face, when he realized, that he would not be able to change my mind, no matter what he would try to convince me: "I won't betray you, brother..."
He left my tent without saying another word and I remained alone again, hoping, Kronos wouldn't take his head in exchange for not being able to get mine.
I pushed all these thoughts aside. After all, I was still here and if I would not hurry, I would never get a second chance to get away from here unnoticed.
Therefore, I quickly went on cutting off the last strands of my hair until my fingers slipped through unfamiliar short curls.
I smiled. It felt right...
Afterwards, I placed my weapons to my belt, wrapped the cape around my shoulders and dragged its hood deep into my face, then I grasped my bundles.
I had a last look around, then I took one of the oil-lamps, emptied its content on the floor, grasped a second lamp and smashed it to the ground.
Kronos did err!
I still had a choice and I made it...