XXX

Janus returned to consciousness with the sound of panic surrounding him.

He wasn't sure what was going on at first, wondering why everyone was in his bedroom waking him up, but once he opened his eyes, he realized he was actually in Thomas's living room. As he sat up, looking around in an attempt to figure out what all the activity was about, he found himself being knocked back down by both Patton and Remus at the same time.

He couldn't understand their babbling, so he looked up to the others, who were staring at him with what appeared to be relief. That still didn't really tell him anything.

"... Well, this certainly isn't a strange way to wake up."

And then he watched their eyes widen. Patton and Remus fell still and quiet.

"What? Do I have something on my face, or have you all suddenly gained a fascination with staring at people?" he asked.

"Deceit… Janus, do you remember?" Thomas questioned.

Remember?

"Is there something I've forgotten, Thomas?" Janus replied. "I don't believe we were filming today, correct?"

Deceit still wasn't sure what was going on, but he felt Patton shift, so he tilted his head down to look at him. As he did so, he saw his clothes.

"What in the world am I wearing?" he exclaimed in surprise. "I haven't worn clothes like these since…"

Oh. Oh. That's right.

He'd done it again.

And now he was back.

Well shit.

"Oh. Right," he said awkwardly.

"Jan, do you know what happened?" a voice asked.

He was surprised that it was Virgil who asked, and who asked it without a hiss. Though, now that the disorientation had worn off and memories of the past few weeks- and the past few hours in particular- floated through his mind, perhaps he shouldn't have been so surprised.

Janus didn't want to answer.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to, Virgi-"

"No. Cut the bullshit," the other side ordered. "What do you remember?"

Janus frowned, tapping his fingers against the fabric of the couch beneath him and trying to figure out some way to lie his way out of this. He really did want to lie, to just pretend like everything was back to normal, but he did remember recent events, and he got the distinct feeling that, if he acted like he didn't remember them, something would go very badly.

He sighed.

"I believe I remember everything," he responded begrudgingly. "Who I am and all that. And I remember the past few weeks, too."

He crossed his arms, not liking that he was being honest at the moment.

"You remember being Survival again?" Patton asked.

He grimaced.

"No, no, I was still Deceit. Just... with Survival's memories."

"Okay, but you do remember not being… well, you?" Roman questioned.

"I said I remembered the past few weeks, didn't I?"

"But do you remember anything from the first time you lost your memories?" Logan chimed in. "This is now the second time you've lost significant portions of memory, and though it is fortunate that you remember it this time, your memories of the first time it happened could have a hint on how to prevent it recurring in the future."

His tapping increased in tempo. The temptation to lie only increased, but the memory of feeling everyone's arms around him shoved him toward the truth. Even still, he turned away from them as he spoke.

"It seems that I, unfortunately, have to be… honest… with you all," Janus sighed. "I already remembered being Survival before all this."

He turned back for a moment to check their reactions. Then, he saw Virgil go to open his mouth, but he put up a hand to stop him.

"No, let me finish. I have to say it now before the regret kicks in," he told him. "I remembered, but I didn't remember for a while after it happened. I actually… didn't remember until after Virgil left. I think our argument… reminded me. Of my arguments with Patton."

"... Why didn't you say anything, kiddo?"

Janus crossed his arms again, with his tapping moving to his sleeve.

"It seemed like it was too late to fix anything at that point," he explained. "It wasn't like I could really go back to being Survival again, so I thought it didn't matter if you knew I remembered or not. It didn't really… change anything."

Patton seemed to want to protest, but Virgil took the chance to voice his own thoughts.

"But you did become Survival again."

The urge to lie was only getting stronger.

"... In a sense, yes."

The room fell into an awkward silence as Janus fought with himself about whether he should say any more or not. He didn't want to, and he feared what the others would think if he did, but he felt like trying to reach his lies, no matter how badly he wanted to get to them, was like swimming through molasses.

He felt guilty for wanting to lie about this.

"Well, it seems that both times you lost your memory were sparked by having an argument with someone. Though, that might also trigger the memories to come back…," Logan suggested. "We should, at the very least, keep an eye on you during any future arguments to hopefully prevent a repeat of this experience."

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Oh, he couldn't believe he was about to do this.

"... No," he stated. "No, that's not it."

"What do you mean?" asked Thomas.

"It isn't caused by the arguments," Deceit clarified. "At least, not directly…"

"... Do you know what does cause it, kiddo."

He was going to regret this, wasn't he?

"I did."

"I believe you are going to have to give a fuller explanation than that, Janus."

He looked up toward the ceiling, trying to keep himself from spouting off some theatrical lie and leaving.

"I gave myself amnesia. Both times," he forced out. "It's… If I lie to myself well enough, I can make myself believe whatever I want. Even if the lie is that I'm a different person."

Ugh, he hated this.

"I think the first time was an accident. I was upset about fighting with Patton, and I ended up convincing myself that I was the villain… so I actually became the villain," he continued to explain. "I didn't remember I could do that until I regained my memories as Survival, though. I tried to do it again once I remembered, but it was too difficult that time… And then then this last time, I just… I felt like you all hated me again. And I didn't really want to be here anymore, but I knew that ducking out would cause problems for Thomas…"

He forced himself to stop tapping.

"So the idea was that, if I only had my memories of being Survival, I didn't have to be here, but I could still do my job," he finished.

Janus couldn't convince himself to look at them. He knew that, regardless of what they just told him, that they would hate him now. Who in the Hell gives themself amnesia because they can't deal with an argument? He'd put them all through such a load of crap, and all because he was a coward.

"Dee, you really are an idiot," Remus declared softly, resuming his earlier attempts at a hug. "And if you ever do this again, I am seriously going to tear you into little snake bits."

"Seriously, dude, you have the absolute worst conflict resolution skills, like, ever," Virgil sighed, pinching his nose. "Maybe instead of giving yourself amnesia, you could try talking to us? The arguments wouldn't even get so bad if we actually resolved anything."

Janus felt his face heating up.

"But yeah, I'm actually with Remus on this one," Virgil continued. "Don't do this again. We thought we lost you."

"Yeah, Lyin' King, I thought I was the one who ran from my issues, but Jesus Christ."

"It is a rather... ineffective... coping method."

"Kiddo, we care about you. Being mad at you doesn't change that, and it certainly doesn't make us want you to be gone," Patton told him. "I missed my friend, you know? And I don't want to lose him again, either."

Great. Now his face was red and he was probably going to start crying again. Fuck, where were his facades when he needed them?

He felt a new hand touch his shoulder.

"We really do want you here, Janus. All of you. Good and bad," spoke Thomas. "I'm… I'm glad you're back."

Janus rubbed his eyes with his sleeve.

"Yes, well… I suppose I… may have… overreacted a bit…"

"Ya think?"

He took a deep breath in.

"Alright. I won't give myself amnesia again," he agreed. "But don't expect me to be honest like this all the time. All this honesty is giving me a migraine. Or- isn't. Is. Oh, whatever, you all get the point."

Virgil nodded.

"Yeah, we get it."

And maybe Janus was terrible at confronting his problems, but at least this was something.

He knew that they would have problems again, that they would argue again, but they would be able to work it out, then, right? He doubted that the others would let him do the amnesia thing again, at least, so he would be forced into finding a different solution if circumstances repeated themselves.

Thomas smiled.

"Wouldn't have it any other way, Bud."

XXX

And there's the end of this fic!

Thanks for reading!