Renesmee
"That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong." – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Jake made a visitation schedule to go see the baby, as if it were an inmate and not a newborn. Everyone had rolled their eyes, but as far as I knew, they'd stuck to it. Jake and I drive separately to the hospital; he has to get back to work and I have plans to go home and grab a few more things from my room.
Jake slips his hand in mine as we enter the hospital. On the way to the room, Jake explains that when my family first moved to town, his dad had urged folks from the rez not to use the hospital because of Carlisle. Sam had brought Emily here on Christmas, though, so I guess things were different now. I absentmindedly wonder how much longer Carlisle will be able to work here.
Emily is sitting up in bed when we enter, giving a look I've seen her give many times to Sam, now directed at the little bundle in her lap. Sam sits in a chair, pulled as close to them as the bed will allow.
"Hey guys," Jake says quietly. "Is he sleeping?"
"Yes, but it's okay. It's good to make noise – that way he'll sleep through anything," Emily says at a normal volume, her voice dripping with affection.
We approach the bed. I stand by the head of the bed, hoping to catch a glimpse of the baby. Sam stands, and Jake extends a hand over the bed at him. They shake, and I've never seen Sam look prouder. He gives me a quick smile in greeting, wordless, before returning his gaze to his son.
"Do you want to hold him?" Emily asks Jake. He smiles and nods. Emily lifts him up, and Jake slips a hand under the baby's head, bringing him closer to his chest. I think the last baby he'd held was me. I'd never held one before at all. Regardless, Jake looks practiced as he rocks the baby back and forth.
"What's his name?" I ask, brushing the baby's tiny hand with my fingertip and looking up to Sam. It was hard to believe we all started this small – especially keeping company with giant wolves.
Sam shifts on his feet, and he glances to Emily. She nods, a small smile playing on her lips. My eyes flick to Jake to see if he's noticed, but he is entranced by the baby. Sam takes a breath. "Levi Jacob." My eyes fly up to Jake's face. "A strong name. Named after two of the greatest Alphas in tribal history," Sam finishes.
Jake chuckles, almost breathless. "No pressure, right?" I think he's in disbelief. My heart soars as I watch him stare down at Levi, his eyes shining.
"I'm really happy for you both," I say, resting a hand on Emily's shoulder.
She grabs my hand with hers, giving it a small squeeze. "I hope you don't think you'll get away from us this easy. I'll need a babysitter, of course."
"You'll have no shortage, I'm sure," I say with a laugh.
Jake stays for a bit longer but has to eventually get back to work. Before he leaves, Sam pulls out the chair he'd been using so I can sit and hold Levi; Jake shows me how to support his head. Sam offers to walk Jake out, and I imagine he's probably offering some parting words of wisdom to his firstborn's namesake.
"I can't stop staring," I mumble, Levi's entire hand wrapped around my pinky as he lay nestled in my arms.
She laughs softly. "Sam is absolutely infatuated."
"Just look at him. I'm infatuated, too. And Jake, in case you couldn't tell."
"You guys are naturals," she says pointedly.
"He's sleeping, Em. It's not that hard right now." I don't want to tear my eyes off him to look at her face, but I can perfectly picture the look she's giving me.
"Don't be so modest," she quips back, sounding as if a smirk is playing at the corners of her lips. I spare a second to return her smirk, but I can't resist staring at him again.
"Did it hurt?" I ask.
"Mmm…" She begins, and I wonder if she's trying to frame her answer so as not to scare me out of giving birth. "Yeah. But it was also so beautiful. It felt so natural, like I was meant to be a mother, meant to be his mother."
"You are," I declare, looking up at her.
She smiles, and nods slightly. "Yes, I think so too."
Emily looks as if she's about to say something, but Sam comes through the door, and she closes her mouth. I look down again at Levi but steal a glance as Sam places a kiss on Emily's hair. Levi starts to stir in my arms, and my eyes grow wide, looking at Emily. "I think he's hungry," she says, beckoning for me to bring him over.
I stand slowly, trying to continue holding him like a baby and not a live grenade. They both bite back laughter as I place him in her arms. She starts to undress, and I turn away, flushing.
I notice a bag of supplies on the window ledge, probably left there by Kim or one of the other nurses. It had several things I was completely unfamiliar with, but a few I was, and it made my stomach churn. I wonder if Carlisle was in his office.
"You must be exhausted," I say, risking a glance to see Levi eating soundly now. I try to maintain strict eye contact with the two of them. Sam's eyes are playful – he knows I'm totally embarrassed by this. "I should be going."
"You don't have to leave. Don't you still have another ten minutes of visitation?" Sam comments, not hiding his amusement well.
I shake my head. "No, it's fine, really. I really am so happy for you both – all three of you." Apparently, those were the right choice of words, because Emily and Sam return to beaming again as they stare down at their son.
I let myself out quietly, taking a minute on the other side of the door to collect my thoughts.
Eventually, I find myself up a floor by the staff offices. As a little girl I hadn't been allowed much into the public eye – I grew too quickly to be inconspicuous. But I had visited Carlisle at work on a few occasions. The route was not hard to remember.
I give the door three quick knocks. "Yes?" Carlisle beckons softly from inside. I push open the door a crack and poke my head through. Carlisle is sitting behind his desk doing paperwork. When he sees me, he smiles warmly and puts down the pen.
"Renesmee, what a nice surprise! Please come in." I shut the door softly behind me, coming in to sit on one of the chairs across from him, relaxing against the backrest. As I'm settling in, he says, "I heard Emily had her baby."
"Yes, his name is Levi. I just came from there. He's perfect." I smile earnestly, and then add, "How are you?"
"I'm well, thank you. I must say, this was unexpected," he says, gesturing to me sitting across from him.
Before I can change my mind, I admit, "I wanted to discuss something with you, if you have time."
He nods, sitting up in his chair a little straighter. I wonder if something in my tone has tipped him off to my nervousness.
"I've been curious… In your professional medical opinion, do you think I can get pregnant? Thinking futuristically, of course," I add quickly, and see his shoulders relax almost imperceptibly. "Truth be told, I don't… menstruate that often." When I'd seen the feminine products in the bag meant for Emily, I realized I hadn't even thought to pack any from home for the move.
He shifts into doctor mode immediately. "When was your last period?"
"November," I offer. His eyebrow twitches as if it's going to raise in surprise, but then remembers I've asked for his medical advice and not that of the grandfatherly kind. I go on, "I just wanted to pick your brain. Some of the tribal legends around imprinting said that it's meant for the purposes of reproduction."
He nods. "Yes, I believe Sam thinks it's who you have the best chance to reproduce with. And Billy believes it's meant to produce genetically superior offspring."
I nod. Other theories, Leah's in particular, are irrelevant to this conversation. "I think Sam's changed his mind. It took Emily a year to get pregnant, and there were complications." He nods solemnly, as if remembering. I got the feeling he'd been keeping an eye on Emily more than I'd realized. "And Leah imprinted too, but I don't think she's had a period in years. I feel like if one of those theories were true, she wouldn't have stopped. Or, at the very least, started again when she met Adam."
"Is Adam her imprint?" he asks interestedly. My heart pangs as I realize I haven't really visited with them in a month or two. Between finishing the cabin and helping Emily prepare for the baby, I had neglected the relationships in my family. I nod, silently making a promise to go visit more often.
"I'd think if either of those were the case, that if imprinting had to do with reproduction, that there would have been more than one baby born in the pack in the last ten years," he comments. That was a very good point. "It's an interesting hypothetical, you getting pregnant," he continues. I don't miss the way he called it a hypothetical.
Disappointment starts to gnaw at my stomach. I appreciate his honesty, and that we're discussing this as adults, but I don't like his implications. Carlisle presses on. "I would think that Jacob's DNA would be fine, as would your human DNA. I'm not sure, though, if your body – the vampire part – would be able to make the physical changes necessary to support pregnancy. I think that would be supported by the fact that it seems you only ovulate once or twice a year."
Unexpected tears sting at my eyes. I am sure my face is shocked. "Oh. I see." I look down at my hands in my lap, wringing them in an attempt for comfort.
"Obviously, it's unprecedented, and there's really no way to know. Anything is possible," he says, voice laden with consolation. "Have you talked to Jacob about this? About your concerns?"
I shake my head, trying to clear the tears before they can fall. "No, like I said, I was just curious." We both know I'm lying as I say it. I feel his eyes on me as I continue to study my hands.
"You know, it's been a while since we've run bloodwork. If you have time, we could draw some up today. I can run a few additional tests. For curiosity's sake," he adds.
We go down to the main floor, and he leads me to the lab center. He gives a smoldering look to the nurse there as he speaks in a hushed tone, coaxing her to leave, and she goes away with a "Yes, Dr. Cullen."
Carlisle's hands are practiced, and he is done drawing the blood in less than a minute. "I'll call you when these come back," he says, slipping the vials in his lab coat pocket. We don't bother with a bandage; I'm already done bleeding.
I walk back to my car briskly, the light mist from this morning having picked up to a steady flow. I wipe the droplets from my face as I start the engine. I drive absent-mindedly, wondering vaguely if my mother would be home to shield my thoughts today. I don't know if I have the energy to try and do it myself.
No one is at the cottage, so I gather the few things I've been missing, shoving the feminine products into the box as an afterthought. I sit down at the small piano in the sitting room, taking comfort in the way the keys feel against my fingers. I slowly start to play, remembering one of the many melodies my father that taught me growing up.
Carlisle's words echo in my mind, and the ballad turns melancholy. For the second time today, tears suddenly fill my eyes.
"Renesmee?" Dad appears next to me, sliding onto the bench. The fingers of one hand join mine, and we play together. "What's wrong, love?" he asks as his other hand swipes softly at the tear rolling down my cheek.
I was right; I didn't have the energy to disguise my thoughts, my disappointment. I don't need to watch his face as he scans my mind and hears my conversation with Carlisle. My tears come faster now, and the music turns darker still. I shut my eyes tightly, willing them to stop. He sighs, his fingers stilling.
His gentle hands rest on my fingers, telling me without words to stop. The music abruptly ends, the minor note I'd ended on hanging in the air. He pulls me into his chest, and I sob softly on his shirt. He rubs circles on my back and kisses my hair.
Eventually my breathing steadies, and he pulls back. "I had no idea… that it was so important to you," he admits honestly.
I take a deep breath, willing the tears away. "I didn't either, until today, seeing Levi. Seeing Jake with him." The memory flashes in my mind, and I glance up at my father. His golden eyes stare down at me, torn.
"Why are you in such a hurry?" he asks, and I almost detect a hint of frustration. My brow furrows, so he continues, "Renesmee, you have, quite literally, forever. As does Jacob. There's no need to try and fit it all in a year."
I chew my cheek. "I'd like to know what exactly forever includes. It wouldn't be fair, to Jake. If I gave him false hope and then he was stuck with me."
"Let me set the record straight – he is not 'stuck with' you." His tone is curt, almost annoyed that I would think so lowly of myself. He confirms my suspicions when he goes on to say, "You are a gift… the greatest gift." He smooths my hair, damp from the rain. "And… I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think you're giving him enough credit. He restrained his feelings for a half a year, only because he didn't know if you wanted him to feel them."
I chortle. "That wasn't the only reason, Dad, but I see your point." And then I chew on his words some more, and add, "He still felt them, though. His feelings."
"You should speak with him," he says, rising to his feet. He then asks, "Would you like to have this piano at the cabin?" I think he's trying to distract me before I can argue the same circular argument. I'm surprised at how well it works.
I rise to my feet, slowly, unsure if my legs will support me after the heavily emotional day. "Really?"
He nods, a corner of his mouth turning upwards in a smile. "Of course."
I move around the piano bench, nesting into his side. "Thanks, Dad!" He pulls me in to his cold side; I am unaccustomed to being the warm one in an embrace. "Thanks for everything," I say, my thoughts speaking more clearly than my mouth ever could. He kisses the top of my head in answer.