chapter fifteen

Embry was gone by the time the sunlight forced me to open my eyes and for whatever reason that made me feel sicker than the hangover. I had fallen asleep with him sitting by the window, watching me while I mumbled about how shitty everything was. He didn't say much, just occasionally brushed my hair out of my face and told me to close my eye and rest. And now he was gone.

I wondered where my parents were and whether or not they knew I was lying in bed instead of sitting in class and figured they probably didn't care either way. I was still wearing Bobby's shirt and it left stark imprints on my skin and I didn't feel as good in it as I did the night before. My skin felt dried up and tight and it no longer felt like mine. The whole in my chest was pounding and I wanted to throw up but I couldn't, so I just settled on feeling awful.

For about a half hour after I woke up, I just lied in bed, getting used to the rumbling in my stomach and the flashing lights in the corners of my eyes. I tried to keep my head empty, but I kept thinking about the way Quil shouted at me and snapped and how much like Briah he thought I was. I guessed that had a different meaning than I thought it did.

When people told me I reminded them of Bear, I thought they meant I was headstrong and funny and brave. I thought they meant I cared deeply and intensely and was protective and loyal and proud and now I was starting to think that there was something more sinister in their comparisons and people didn't think of my brother in the way that he really was. I didn't used to think of Bear in any other way but the person who took care of me when my parents didn't. But there were memories of him that were coming back to me, memories that I cherry picked to forget. I could see him standing over a limp and faceless body with blood smeared on his face. I could see him throwing punches into trees and flicking knives out at strangers and I wanted to forget them again. I wanted to replace him with sound of him singing loudly in the car while he drove me to school or him carrying me on his back or showing me his favorite movies while our parents screamed below us. But now I was thinking that when people said I was like Bear, they meant I was violent and bloodthirsty, cruel and vindictive.

I didn't know who he really was anymore, really. And if I found him again, standing in the woods with his back straight and expression cold, I didn't know what I would say.

My phone buzzed against my dresser and I groaned. I didn't care who it was but I didn't want to talk to them. "Hello?" I answered, voice gruff.

"Come get breakfast with me. I need to fill my body with grease and bacon and shit," Bobby demanded.

"Yeah, whatever. Just come pick me up," I said, trying to sit up in my bed. "Will you pay as an apology for calling me a bitch?"

"I would've paid anyways. Just get ready, I'm already on my way."

There was something extremely comforting about a dressed down Bobby. When her hair was all messy and yesterday's eyeliner was smudged and ashy, she was almost normal looking. I didn't look out of place sitting next to her. She held her face tight in her hands and stared down at the diner table. We both looked lazy and sleep-deprived, instead of just me. "I feel like such shit," she complained. "I can't believe I gotta get all dressed and do this shit all over again tonight."

I was stirring my coffee with a dented spoon and watching the curdled creamer float to the top. "What if we just didn't do that?"

Bobby rolled her eyes and leaned back into the booth. "I have a reputation to maintain. Plus, I think I convinced Amber to come."

"I thought we didn't like Amber."

"No, we don't like Wendy."

"But Wendy is dating Amber."

"Yeah."

"And Wendy is not coming?"

"Right."

"And Wendy is aware and okay with the fact that Amber's sleeping at your house?"

Bobby scrunched her face up with her hands. "It's complicated."

Our food came quickly and it was hot and steaming in front of us. I pushed my eggs around with my fork, feeling nauseous, while Bobby stole home fries off my plate. "How was the ride home with Quil?" I asked.

It was funny for me to imagine Quil and Bobby trapped in such close proximity for an hour, and even funnier when considering how trashed Bobby was and how mad Quil was. Bobby swallowed before she said, "I'm actually impressed at how much I've managed to make him dislike me. I've never had a hater before, but I think it's a true marker of success."

I laughed. "Jesus, what did you to do him?"

Bobby shrugged. "Just talked, I guess. I felt really bad about yelling at you and then I started crying. I got mad at him for being mad at you, but he didn't really say anything the whole time. Just drove me home, grumpily. Also, I was like, super worried that Embry was gonna pop your eyeballs out and make keychains out of them. Glad to see you're fine."

"Why do you think that's realistic?"

Bobby shrugged. "I dunno, I guess it's the way he looks at you. You probably don't even notice but it's so intense. He's so obsessed with you and he doesn't even try to hide it."

I nibbled on my toast and looked down at my plate. I felt the stares sometimes, I was just too nervous to return them. "He's just wants to be my friend, I guess."

Bobby looked at me like she didn't believe me. "Yeah, I'm sure that's his end goal. How did your drive home go?"

"I dunno, fine I guess. We argued a little and he seemed kind of upset, but, I dunno. It kinda just seemed like he was worried about me. And then I got upset and he..." I trialed off, face feeling hot and throat tight. And even though my whole body felt tingly, like my cells were really alive, I smiled.

Bobby's stare was intense. "And then you what, Remy?" But I didn't answer and I shoved a forkful of eggs in my mouth. Her eyes widened. "Oh my god, Remy, did you guys fuck?"

"No!" I protested loudly, eggs flying out of my mouth. "I just, ugh, all he did was stay with me until I fell asleep. He sat against the window by my bed and he was gone before I woke up."

"That's worse! Oh my god, Remy, that was probably the best moment of his night life," Bobby gawked. "You trusted that boy to watch you sleep?"

"Can we talk about something else?" I asked, voice squeaky. "I'm pretty sure Embry hates me now anyways."

But Bobby just rolled her eyes at me. "You're so stupid sometimes. Like, seriously, no one hates you, especially not him."

"That's not true," I argued, "Kim hates me."

"Kim hates you because she threw you under the bus for a literal ounce of male attention and she doesn't like that you called her out on it," Bobby stated plainly. "And who cares about Kim anyways? She smells like an old person and looks like a hard boiled egg."

"Jared hates me."

Bobby looked at me like I was being difficult and stupid. "Jared hates you because he's a jealous and possessive asshole and because your brother bashed his face in that one day in the cafeteria."

I choked on my food and felt numb. The images started to rush back to me. Briah throwing fist after fist and the blood that splattered on his face was Jared's. My heart was hammering. "That was him?" I thought of Jared and the way he always looked at me like I was the most despicable thing on earth and I used to ask myself how he could live with himself, saying the things he said about Briah. I felt so fucking stupid.

"How did you not know?" Bobby asked, and there was something different in her voice. "I thought everyone knew that."

But I was spaced out and replaying everything I could remember from that day. Briah was in the center of the room with his fist dripping blood and he was laughing and I kept staring at him and the body under him was nothing but a still lump of flesh. I remembered the cops pointing guns and I remembered my vision fading as they put cuffs around his wrist while I ducked out of the cafeteria doors. I didn't listen when people talked about it and when Briah got released I wanted to pretend it didn't happen. And all I could do was pinch my thighs for not knowing this and I said to Bobby, "Why?"

She was uncomfortable and her features twisted. "I don't really know. I wasn't even in school that day; I think I ditched or something. I've heard a lot of different stories but I never found out what really happened."

My whole body felt so numb, like there was no more blood left inside of me. My chest felt tight. "I didn't know," I said, and I didn't sound like myself.

Bobby's eyes were warm. "Remy, it's not your fault. No matter what happened between Briah and Jared, you shouldn't get treated like shit because of it. And I mean, who's to say Jared didn't deserve it?" And when I didn't respond, Bobby repeated, "It's not your fault, Remy."

And I didn't think it was my fault. A lot of things were, but this was not. Knowing that did not make me feel any better. I looked down at my eggs and they suddenly felt as appetizing as sand. "Yeah," I said to Bobby, "I guess it doesn't really matter."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Not your fault," I assured her.

Bobby looked at me with soft eyes. "Do you wanna go back to my place and watch Alaska Monsters?"

I smiled a little. "Nah, I think I'm just gonna go home after this. I still haven't showered. I'll see you later tonight, though, right?"

Bobby nodded. And then she did my favorite little habit of hers; she threw money down on the table. She noticed the little grin I had, and snickered. "You're such a goddamn gold digger."

My whole body was shaking when I brought my fist up to the wooden door and knocked three times. I knew what I was doing was probably a bad idea but I was starting to realize that almost every idea I had was stupid. I was operating off nerves and instinct and I tried not to think about it too deeply. I tried not to think about anything. I was just going to improvise.

Jared opened the door a few seconds later and when he saw it was me standing behind it, he immediately tried to close it. But my hand was there to block the door. I looked at Jared with urgent eyes. "We need to talk," I said.

He looked at me with a furrowed brow. "No," he said after a moment, and tried to close the door again.

I pressed my shoulder into it. "You're gonna talk to me right the fuck now or I swear to god I will find a way to ruin your entire life."

He paused, shoulders tensed, and then sighed. "Fine," he said, stepping outside and closing the door behind him, "what do you wanna talk about?" Jared spoke to me like I was a dog, a stupid little thing that couldn't be controlled and I could see how badly he tried to be patient with me.

"Briah," I stated, trying to make my shoulders broad.

Jared's face tensed. "What about him?" he said and this time his voice was sharper.

"Is he the reason why you have it out for me so bad?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

And I guessed I wasn't as patient as Jared was because the frustration was already stark in my voice. "I'm sure you remember the day Bear absolutely beat your ass in front of literally everyone we've ever known. How could you forget? It must have been humiliating. What I wanna know is if that's the reason you hate me so badly. So much that you'd destroy the only real friendship your girlfriend's ever had."

Jared didn't move but he stared off above my head, focusing his eyes on nothing. He took a deep breath before he spoke. "Remy, this conversation is pointless."

"Don't act dense. All you have to do is say yes or no."

"You know I'd do anything for Kim, right? I know that you think I'm a really bad guy, but I know you know how much I love her. And I know you know what it's like too, from the way Embry puts up with all your bullshit just to keep you safe. So when I saw you around Kim, drinking and fighting and acting exactly like your brother, I knew it wasn't even a little bit safe for her to be around you." His words were sharp and he spat them out at me like he hoped they would cut me.

I felt faint. "That doesn't make any sense. I wouldn't have hurt Kim. I wouldn't hurt anyone for no reason."

Jared's eyes were thin and his shoulders were slightly shaking. "Do you know why Briah did what he did to me that day?" he asked, and paused, like he was waiting for me to give him an answer. "No, Remy, I'm seriously asking. Because I don't. He just picked me up by the collar and picked a fight with me. I had never even talked to him before that day."

I shook my head and I tried to fight back the tears in my eyes. "He wouldn't do that."

"He did, Remy. He did that to me and put me in the hospital for literally no other reason than he just felt like it. And that's why," he paused, sucking in air and stopping. "I don't know if you would do the same thing, or even anything similar. But I wasn't gonna risk it with Kim. Even if she hated me because you stopped talking to her, it didn't matter because I wasn't gonna let you hurt her."

I felt like my entire body was on fire. "That's so fucking stupid. I don't know why Briah did that to you. Okay? I don't, and I'm sorry that he did. But that has nothing to do with me and just because he did that do you it doesn't give you the right to interfere with other people's lives like that! And instead of just asking me about it you went around and blindly insulted me and picked fights with me and over what? Something that happened a year ago with my dead fucking brother? That's so stupid."

"Is it? Because all you've ever done since then is prove me right," he said, voice grave. "You're a lot more like him than you think."

I bounced on my leg and my thoughts were rushing so quickly I couldn't settle on one. "Yeah, Bear had problems and so do I. Everyone has problems. But I wouldn't have ever done anything to hurt my friends, and I never would've put any of them in danger."

Jared's eyes were sad when he said, "Honestly, Remy, I wish I could trust you on that." There was a brief silence between us before he opened his door back up and said, "If it makes you feel any better, I'm sorry about how this all went down."

And weirdly enough, it did. Just not enough.

Hours later, when the sun had set and dusk had settled, I dangled my legs over the edge of a cliff. I thought about how badly I wanted to drink and my throat was begging to burn but I couldn't. Every time I thought of drinking, I imagined Jared telling me I was just like my brother and it made me feel sick. I wanted to walk around in the woods until I found Bear and I wanted to ask him why he hurt people and why he thought that would help. I wanted to jump off the edge and plunge into the water just to know how cold it would feel against my skin. I wanted to do anything but I all I could do was sit on the edge of this goddamn cliff and stare as the waves crashed into the rock.

I should've been with Bobby, helping her pick out a tastefully-revealing outfit and telling her if her lipstick was out of place while she waiting for the girl she liked to show up, but I was here. And when I texted her and said I'd be late, she just told me that she understood and that it wouldn't be fun until I showed up. But I didn't want to stand up. The jagged rocks pressed into the bottom of my thighs but I felt like I was glued there. I thought about kicking my shoe off, just to see how far it would fall.

I thought that maybe I could've sat there until the sun rose again and swallowed me up but I knew that I had work in the morning and my fantasies about disappearing weren't realistic. I couldn't disappear into the woods with a bottle of gin in my hand and never be seen again. I wasn't Briah. I had to tell myself that a lot. I wasn't Briah. I didn't even know what being Briah meant anymore.

Briah used to live flawlessly in my memory; the ideal image of a big brother who loved me more than life itself and did what he had to do to take care of me when our debt-ridden parents couldn't. I used to think he wasn't the type of person who could kill himself without leaving a note. But maybe that was the same type of person who would break some random kid's nose in the middle of school just to establish dominance.

I didn't know who he was.

Tears built up in my eyes and my whole body started shaking. I wished I could just chew on my cheek until the tears disappeared but it didn't take long for them to take over my entire body and my shoulders began shaking with deep and heavy sobs and there was nothing in the world I wanted more than my big brother back. Not the one everyone knew but the one I did. That was Bear. And I missed him so much the pain rocked through my entire body. I wanted to scream.

My face was all wet with tears and my body was trembling when I heard the footsteps behind me. I didn't have to turn around to know who it was because he was always here when I was broken down like this. My voice was shaky when I said, "How do you always know where I am?"

Embry sat next to me, the side of his leg lightly pressed against mine as they dangled above the drop together. "I guess I'm just a really good guesser."

I pulled my sleeve over my hand and rubbed my face with it, trying to soak up all the tears. "I'm sorry about last night," I said, and my voice caught again.

"You don't have to apologize to me," Embry said. He brought his thumb up to my cheek and brushed a fat tear away from my skin. "I know you have your own way of coping with how rough things have been. It can just be a little stressful for me."

I wanted to look at him but he was so close to me and the way his eyes were fixated on the side of my face made my breath uneven. "I guess I should probably just take better care of myself."

Embry picked up a loose little rock and tossed it over the edge. I leaned my head down, watching it tumble until it broke the surface. "What are you doing out here?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said, my fingers tracing the fabric on my knees. "I was supposed to go to some thing at Bobby's tonight but," I sighed, "I just can't stop thinking about Bear."

"We're gonna find him, Remy."

"No, it's not that. It's just, today I found out that Briah brutally beat up Jared before he went missing. And I talked to Jared about it and it's just like, he did it for no reason. He just wanted to hurt someone, to let everyone know he was dangerous. That's not," my voice hitched and strained over the tears, "that's not my brother. And if that's the type of thing he did then, it's like I don't know who he was."

He was silent for a moment, and I counted to six before he spoke again. "People aren't just like, one thing, you know? Briah did a lot of stuff that maybe you didn't know about or that you wouldn't have liked, but that doesn't change the other parts about him, y'know? He's still you're brother. And from the way you talked about him, it sounds like he was a really good brother, and maybe you didn't really know about this other part of him because he was trying to protect you."

There was blood in my mouth. "He did really bad things."

"Sometimes good people do bad things."

"I guess I understand why Jared hates me so much," I said. "When he said those things about my Bear, I was just so, I dunno amazed? That he could say those things about my dead brother to me. But I get it now. Him being dead doesn't change what he did."

Embry's shoulders stiffened. "That doesn't give Jared the right to act like such an ass to you," he said, words firm. "And I know this is beside the point, but you probably shouldn't be going to see Jared alone. It's not...safe."

I chuckled gently. "Alright, I won't." I was tired of arguing.

"You know bite down on your cheek all the time?" Embry said, gently poking the side of my face where I normally chewed on. "You do it a lot while you talk."

I felt strange. "Bad habit."

I looked down at the water again. The waves were so loud I could hear them crashing from up here. There was something so soothing about the sound; it was the only thing louder than my heartbeat. "Do you think Briah would've liked me?" Embry asked suddenly.

"No."

"No?"

And I dared to look over at Embry, who was leaning back on his palms with his lips tugging up in a half smile. "He would probably think you were kind of a pussy, honestly."

Embry threw his head back and laughed. "Oh, come on."

"Or he'd at least call you a narc."

He shook his head, grinning. "Do you think I'm like that?"

"Hmmm, well you've taken care of me drunk twice now, and as far as I know you haven't snitched. So I'll say no to you being a narc. As far as being a pussy, I don't know. I'll have to wait and see." He laughed again. It was a nice sound that involuntarily made me smile and I was so bewildered at how much easier it felt to talk to him. "Do you wanna come with me to Bobby's tonight?" I asked, not thinking about it before the words came out of my mouth.

Embry's face fell. "I wish I could. There's some stuff I have to talk care of tonight. But if you want, I can walk you there. It's not that far, right?"

I tried to mask my disappointment with a smile. "Yeah, sure."

Embry stood up and offered me his hand and I, in an act of defiance against my own self, I took it. His hand was warm and soft and I only held it for a second but it stopped my breath. I brushed the dirt of my legs and walk with Embry back towards the street.

And while we walk together and he talked about how far behind he was falling in school, I thought about how strange we probably looked together. Embry was so much taller than me I didn't even reach his chin. He always looked so serene, so at peace, with his long and lean limbs and defined muscles. And there was always this ferocity in my eyes and my stout limbs were constantly tensed. We were so opposite to each other but when we talked everything blended together so smoothly I wondered how I ever even got mad at him in the first place.

Embry walked me all the way up to Bobby's door and I left him with a promise to help him with his essays and he wrapped his arms around my waist so tightly he lifted my feet off the ground and this time, instead of keeping my arms pinned down to my side, I snaked my arms around his neck and gave him a hug that lasted a little too long. His voice was low when he said goodbye and I watched him disappear into the forest.

(original a/n) idk why this is so important to me but remy is an aries sun with a capricorn rising and a scorpio moon. bobby is a sagittarius with a leo rising and an aquarius moon. embry is a taurus with a libra rising and a pisces moon. quil is a gemini with a sagittarius rising and a virgo moon. briah is a cancer with a gemini rising and an aries moon. this will never come up again but its important to me that you all know this. i will not be taking any criticisms.

remy to literally every person in her life: aren't you tired of being nice? don't you wanna go apeshit?