Yay! I'm so glad you guys are indulging my little detour :D Also... sorry this is so long? I went ham. Apparently James has a lot of thoughts. BUT bad news bears: I've completely eaten away my buffer, so updates will not be as speedy I'm afraid.
Okay, we know he's obsessed, yeah? Cuz boy's obsessed.
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. Art work by the awesome Meg (tumblr: anxiouspineapples)
Love Me
6th Year
This year was going to be his year, James decided, returning to the castle with his three best mates. He was turning 17 in a few months (okay, fine, six…ish) and would finally be considered an adult in the eyes of the law, which would be nice. Being legally allowed to Apparate would also mean near unlimited freedom! And yes, if he really thought about it, 6th year was the best: no major exams that would determine the rest of his life, and no stress of it being the last year and worrying about making everything count. They could just rule the school like was their birthright as Marauders. Oh yeah, and he was the motherfucking Gryffindor Quidditch Captain this year. He was a god. Life was good.
Lily, however, hadn't gotten the memo that this was to be James' year and seemed to be trying to put a damper on his dreams. She made absolutely no acknowledgement that they'd seen each other that summer. He threw her a casual, 'hey' as she walked by in the Great Hall that was completely ignored. ('Smooth,' Sirius had said, clapping his back.) James figured it was just as well. At least she hadn't gotten a restraining order against him. When she'd liked him back, his obsession with her had been cute. Now, he was painfully aware, it was highly problematic.
He noticed tiny changes with her this year… it looked like she was at least awake, even if she seemed pissed off all the time. He'd take that, hell, he'd encourage it; he could not stress enough that anything was better than last year's given-up-on-life attitude. She'd gotten tougher and angrier — perhaps working at the pub had hardened her. Or maybe it was just the time away from school that had let her heal up a bit.
He fucked up in Herbology. It was a hot, late summer day and Lily had shed her robe in the toasty greenhouse and, yes, he'd accidentally burst a Snargaluff pod when she'd brushed against him on her way between their two tables to get her own supplies. He was only fucking human and now he knew with stunning accuracy the shape of her body (he had studied it from the corner of her pub for months after all), and it just made him all the more a sucker for her touch (intentional or not). As the lime green pus splattered onto her shirt, making the fabric cling to her curves, Sirius gave him a grin, clearly thinking he'd done it on purpose. Fuck. That was giving him far too much credit — like he could even keep his head on and dick down at the same time around her.
When Lily started yelling at him, he couldn't help it, he had to smile. She was a vision, with reddening cheeks and flailing arms, and holy shit, she's cussing. I fucking love it when she cusses. It showed him that she really wasn't the goody two-shoes that everyone thought her to be. He could listen to her scream the word 'fuck' all day… it was easy to let his mind wander to gutter thoughts with that word on her tongue. Besides, it isn't like—
Oh fuck. Aaand she's taking her top off. Oh holy titballs, what the fuck do I do with my hands? What do I — did Pads just slag-cough?! Merlin damn it, Sirius!
And then she was gone, in a cloud of rage, and yeah, he felt bad because Professor Purdy had sent her to the hospital wing and asked her how badly it hurt. He thought maybe he'd just caused a mess, not that he was injuring her. He probably should start paying attention to lectures… they were just so boring whenever safety got brought up.
So he convinced Remus to let him take her assignments to her that night, promising to apologize to her. And honestly, that's very much what he intended to do. The place was empty save for one cot with the curtains drawn so he strutted on over. Only when he turned around after sneaking inside did he realize his fatal mistake: Evans was sleeping. And topless.
The first thought that careened through his mind was, She's going to fucking murder me. He considered his options. He could run away and never look back, pretending he hadn't seen anything, but that seemed super shady. He had seen something — in fact, his eyes were currently glued to two particular somethings that he couldn't quite seem to drag them away from. Is it hot in here? James tugged on his tie to give him a little more breathing room. He felt like he had to own up to seeing her half naked, otherwise he truly was a creep. The only problem there was she would never believe that it had all been an accident (again)… She wouldn't believe it in a million years.
So don't explain it, a cocky voice in his head responded. Act like it's no big deal, they're just tits. Just a set of perfect, green-paste slathered tits. James sat down, wondering if this new image would fuck with his dreams at all. Maybe she'd be some totally green alien next time, and that might be fun. He'd fuck an alien if it looked like Evans.
He really couldn't stop staring. He'd thought about these tits since he'd watched them start growing. Fuck, you're a creep.
It was almost a relief when she finally woke up and could stop him.
Naturally, she was too wound up for his explanation of what had happened in Herbology or compliments about her other-worldly breasts, but he still left her (screaming at him) quite pleased. (He had no idea why…)
(His dreams ended up being quite standard — thank you very much.)
The rest of the week was pleasant enough, James only having to teach one new student how things worked at Hogwarts. Of course he tried to do so kindly, he wasn't an utter arse after all, and the guy was new — how would he know unless James educated him? James was a decent bloke, he was merely showing this dude the ropes: all the girls were nice, Dorcas was bi, and Lily was off limits. Easy peasy. At first the guy (Ricardo? Francesco? Fuck, it doesn't matter…) looked like he may fight back, but James made sure to hex Rosier as he passed their little welcome chat to demonstrate that he wasn't someone to be trifled with. It was a low-blow, Rosier never retaliated against James or any of the other Marauders (chicken), but new-guy Fabio here didn't know that.
Turned out all the flexing was for nothing. The guy's family had to relocate again by the end of the month and he transferred with them.
But then something rather awesome happened: James caught Lily blushing at him again at breakfast. That hadn't happened in… who knew how long. It gave him an insane thrill of hope.
So, fuck yes, he was going to sit with her the first chance he had in Transfig. She told him to keep his hands to himself, which he thought came out of left field. When's the last time I touched you? … Fuck I wanna touch you.
She was infuriating. She dodged his questions, and even looking at him, like it was her bloody job. It made him mad; it made him cocky. He was going to crack her one way or another.
He could have kissed Minnie for making them do animal transformations in pairs. He couldn't wait to show off his skills, show Evans just how talented he'd become. He wanted her admiration, or even just attention, so badly.
She wanted to go first and she looked completely flustered, her eyes darting all over him. He was both thrilled and a little scared. He offered to help, but of course she refused him — she always did.
The fact that she wanted to turn him into a Skrewt seemed to imply that he may just have his work cut out for him in the whole wooing her department.
But he knew exactly where to start — turning her into what she very much already was: a cat. He loved cats. Well, he chose to morph her into a kitten for the demonstration because how much cuter would that be? He was sure even Evans couldn't resist his charm now.
Of course, he was so, so wrong. She most certainly could. He thought they'd shared a moment while he was holding her in his arms after her transformation, but, nope. She was screaming at him again. Always screaming. You'd think he'd have gotten used to her constant rejections by now, but they still kind of stung. But hey, maybe this was just their thing.
She knew exactly how to bring him down a few dozen pegs.
"She's going on a date with who?" James questioned, pissed off as hell at lunch.
"Um… Paxton? Like I just said…" Marlene answered, scooping some green beans onto her plate.
"Fucking git," he whispered under his breath. He was completely torn about this. On the one hand, that Lily was even entertaining the idea of dating again was bloody brilliant. He was fairly certain depressed people didn't date — or at least she wouldn't have dated last year. But on the other hand, how in the hell was he supposed to intimidate the Head Boy away from her? None of his usual tricks would work and Paxton could easily make his life a living hell as payback… No, I'll have to thwart this from the other side…
He had to get Lily to stop the date herself. Desperate times.
"You still like her, don't you?" Marlene smiled, looking over to her cousin.
James shrugged, not looking her in the eye. "Yeah, I mean, she's fit."
Marlene snorted. He could never pull one over her. It sucked.
James was even more desperate than ever to derail Lily's love life after he'd asked around a bit about Paxton. Apparently, the guy had a reputation for trying to 'bag' girls that no one else had been able to yet. James guessed that himself and that Muggle bloke she'd slept with didn't count in this scenario. But like hell he was going to let Lily get dragged into another man's dumb challenge.
Sirius obviously took some persuading to get on board 'mission-make-sure-Lily-doesn't-date-anyone-else,' telling James how it shouldn't matter because he was over her… right? James was able to get him to come around eventually though by citing it was tradition. He knew Sirius was really big on following those as long as they were Marauder traditions, not the Pureblood ones his family had always tried to force down his throat. Like James pointed out: they'd been playing this game for years… why not finish strong?
This was, however, the first time he was going to try to seduce Lily into dropping a guy. Surprisingly, it was Peter who suggested framing her so that James could get detention alone with her. James had no idea the little guy had such deviousness in him.
Pissing her off in order to get her bag unsupervised had been all too easy. All he had to do was drop an immature comment in the hall and she stormed off, leaving him holding it. And then the plan went even more flawlessly than anticipated when she threw her bag to the floor, spilling the Firewhiskey everywhere. He guessed he'd underestimated just how heated he made her when predicting he'd have to hex her bag to uncover it. Hook. Line. Sinker. Lily looked so pissed, and honestly, it riled him up even more.
James was almost giddy for his detention with Lily. It had been so long since he'd been able to talk to her, really talk — and what better setting than somewhere where she couldn't run away? It was genius! He patted himself thoroughly on the back. (And thank Merlin for Peter, good friend that he is.)
Buttering up Professor Stone was insanely effortless (she loved him for some strange — mildly inappropriate — reason), he just gave her some intense eye contact and clenched his jaw while she talked to him a bunch. Chicks dug that. Within five minutes, she was brushing his bicep and telling him to call her Jennifer. Manipulating her would be a walk in the park. If only Lily found his new height and filled out manly physique just as alluring. But alas, she did not. Yet.
After Sirius' truly brilliant and inspired performance — it was finally just the two of them.
James basked in the situation for a bit, allowing himself to take her in across the desk from him. Her skin was absolutely flawless save for a small scar that split her upper lip. If he recalled the story correctly, her sister had shoved her as a kid and she'd tripped on the sidewalk, hitting the edge. He'd never had the pleasure of meeting said sister, but if he ever did, he had the feeling he'd be anything but 'polite.' Her lips were a pale pink, plump and delicious looking. He had a brief flashback of kissing them before… it had been too long. He craved to do it again. He'd learnt a few tricks since then, and he couldn't wait to show them off to her.
She crossed her arms, making her cleavage even more pronounced, and, Lily, you know I can't help myself with your tits… stop drawing my attention there! Or don't. James' gaze stalled. Holy fuck. He fought from smiling, but maybe he still was. She had changed into a pushup bra… for me. Part of James knew, logically, that it could have been for another reason entirely, but the dragon in him knew it was for him. She'd wanted to look good for him, or at the very least, to torture him some more. (Still, that's for me.)
James felt like he was flying. He had a real shot here. Perhaps Lily didn't hate him as much as she pretended to… His ego soared.
The blush on her cheeks when he brought it up all but confirmed it. He was the shit. Lily Evans fancied him back at least a little bit again. He was never going to come down from this pride. Not even her jabs about his age and poor eyesight (a truly low blow, she'd told him she liked his glasses last year…) could cut him that bad. He was going to act on this development, and he was going to act on it now.
He knew she wanted him, and he was about to show her just how much. He backed her into a desk and watched as her eyes darkened with lust, searching his face, trying to calculate his next move a second before he did it. That look made him feel things. How could she do this to him? How could just her eyes elicit feelings that other girls' touches, words, fucking mouths wrapped around his cock, could not?
He kissed her the way he had a thousand times in his dreams; the kind of dreams he'd wake up panting from, cursing that he hadn't been able to make them a reality yet. Except this was real. Lily was in his arms and she was touching him back, kissing him, moaning into his goddamn mouth. That moan travelled to every centimeter of his body, making goosebumps roll out over his skin. He wanted to hear her do it again.
When they broke free she looked shocked, fingers on her lips like she couldn't believe it. Good, this is only the beginning, love.
He was so happy, he could have sung.
But he had to focus on the goal. He told her not to go out with Paxton instead.
Lily was his.
"What did you do?" Marlene asked James at breakfast the next morning with a 'don't-mess-with-me' scowl on her face.
"Huh?" James asked through a mouth full of bacon.
"At the detention last night… What. Did. You. Do?"
James smiled to himself. "I wrote lines. It was riveting. So very educational."
Marlene rolled her eyes. "You're a real wanker, you know that?" She drank some of his pumpkin juice. "She came back all dazed and confused."
James didn't need to ask who they were talking about. His grin went lopsided. "Did she really?"
"Play nice, James," Marlene warned. "She's fragile right now. Don't push it."
James sighed. "Fine, fine. I'll back off, jeez." He ruffled his hair. Sometimes it felt like the universe really didn't want them together. Sirius settling on the bench next to him signaled the end of his conversation about Lily with his cousin. But he took it to heart and dutifully gave Lily some space. After all, he really didn't want to fuck with her recovery… and he thought he'd gotten across his point about her not dating other people loud and clear already anyway.
Of course, she was the one to approach him afterwards. Leave it to Evans to only try to talk to him when he was trying to be good. He was starting to wonder if this was some sort of weird kink she had. (If it was, he was more than willing to play along… he wanted so badly to figure out all of her kinks. She seemed like the type of complicated girl who'd have more than a few. She also seemed like the mother of his future children, but that was a consideration for another time… Don't be obsessed.)
She was jealous that he'd flirted with Professor Stone. Oh, this is getting better and better. It was absolutely adorable that she thought she had anything to worry about.
He teased her because he was fully onto her now.
She wants me.
Or, you know what, maybe she wants death, and what the fuck, man?!
James had sprinted down the hall to their new detention in a complete panic as soon as he heard her bloodcurdling screams. It felt like someone was scratching his eardrums out from the inside. He found her in the classroom staring straight ahead, just screaming, arms thrashing about wildly. He reached for her, held her tight, trying to tell her that she was safe, and that he was right there, and that he'd never let anything hurt her, just please, please stop screaming… but she couldn't hear it. He kept trying, pleading, calling her name, absolute hopelessness festering inside of him.
But then she stopped. And he heard his father's voice behind him.
He must have let go of Lily, because he turned slowly to see his dad clutching his dead mother's body.
Oh. It's just a Boggart.
James got rid of it easily. He had more important things to deal with than fear: like what the hell was she thinking?! He threw away the question: 'Do you have a death wish?' like it hadn't plagued him for the past year, like he hadn't noticed that she liked sitting on a rock in the lake when she couldn't swim, like she hadn't been comatose all of last year, like her fucking nervous habit wasn't motherfucking pretending to stab herself like it was some sort of fucking joke, like she hadn't just walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and opened a box with an unknown monster inside. It was supposed to be a simple, layup question — and she botched the shit out of it.
Perhaps it was having just seen the Boggart of his dead mother — the woman who had meant everything to him and had lost her fight, her will to live — but he felt his heart turn to stone looking into her emerald eyes. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't love someone who had given up on herself. He couldn't put himself through that kind of heartache again. He knew he was great, but he wasn't great enough to save someone who didn't want to be saved, and if that was the case, then he'd just—
She was kissing him. Lily friggin' Evans had gotten on her toes to claim his lips with absolutely no provocation on his part.
As soon as he melted into the moment, she pulled back and ran away, threatening him into silence… but her damage was done. Yesterday, he'd ensured that she was his. Tonight, she'd made sure that she owned him. It didn't matter that it had clearly been a distraction, she'd still conjured up the deed to his heart and signed it right under his nose. He hoped she knew what she was getting herself into — because she was never going to get rid of him now.
She wanted him. And if there was one thing James was good at, it was getting Lily what she wanted. (Okay, so he'd never been good at it before, but he was going to make sure he was good at it now. If he dedicated everything he had to this mission, how hard could it be?)
James picked up her abandoned backpack and returned to Gryffindor.
"James, what on earth?" were the words that greeted him upon his arrival to the common room. Marlene looked annoyed. "Why did Lily just storm through here looking like she'd been crying? You said you'd ease up!"
"I did!" James defended, handing her Lily's bag. Lily's threat to tell no one of their kiss rang in his ears. "She… stubbed her toe." Marlene gave him a look. "Hard. Like, really, really hard. She should probably get it looked at. Anyway, could you check on her?" He gave her his most winning smile.
"I can't believe I'm involved in this," Marlene grumbled as she disappeared up the steps. She returned shortly afterwards saying Lily was getting ready for bed.
Ugh, I wish it were mine. James tried not to hear his inner voice. (It was true though.)
James couldn't stop thinking about Lily. Obviously, this was pretty normal, but the obsession was growing. Her kiss had all but fed the monster inside of him, somehow allowing it to continue to stretch its wings and take over his body completely. James was now a host, barely conscious enough to do anything to overthrow his parasitic thoughts.
But there was more to it than just wanting her (although that took up a great deal of his brain power), he couldn't stop worrying about her too. This was also commonplace, but he'd never had so much evidence of her self-sabotaging tendencies before. He had to do something.
So he watched the Map a little more closely that weekend, his heart all but stopping when he saw her label in the hospital wing. Fuck! Without thinking, he hexed Sirius right where he stood.
"What the hell, Prongs?" his best friend rightfully exclaimed staring at his fresh purple skin.
"Oops, my bad, I was aiming for Wormtail."
"Hey!" Peter cried behind him, but Sirius nodded his head like it was an adequate explanation.
"I'll take you to the infirmary," James said jovially, getting to his feet and herding Sirius out the door.
She was interning. James couldn't describe the type of relief he felt at seeing she was all right — no, better than all right, she had a new purpose. (Also, damn her ass looks good in those jeans, but that's really not the point, now is it? And they claimed boys couldn't multitask…)
He wondered if this was what she wanted to do now. He remembered her freaking out a little at the end of 4th year after he'd proudly told her that he wanted to be an Auror, because she still had no idea what her future held for her.
"I mean, don't get me wrong, James, I think it's so great that you know what you want to do — oh, shit. I'm being selfish, making you knowing what your path is into a pity party about how I don't know mine, aren't I?" she had asked genuinely.
He had realized right then and there that she probably cared just a little too much about what other people thought of her. "No, that's not selfish. And you don't have to decide now. McGonagall doesn't even have career talks until next year. If you still don't know by then, she'll help you choose. Don't stress."
She'd given him the warmest smile in return.
James wondered what had made her decide to give healing a go. He wanted to know every little thing that he'd missed since they'd been friends. He watched her come back through the common room later that night and bit back a smile as she all but frolicked up the staircase. Well, at least she looks happy now. In that moment, James vowed that he'd do whatever it took to keep her this fulfilled, even if he had to hex some random boys to do so.
Another fucking Paxton? James grumbled to himself in Transfig Monday morning when Hufflepuff Adam sat next to his girl. He had her laughing and her body language seemed to indicate… flirting. Great. Just great. These brothers were going to give him an aneurysm. He'd have to keep his eye on the younger one now too.
Then again, keeping an eye on Lily already seemed to be a full time job. Surely her appetite would come back in full force eventually. He had noticed her indulging in more chocolate again, and that had to be a good sign, right? Fuck. He wished he didn't notice these things. Why couldn't he just be a normal guy who wasn't drawn in by every move of this completely abnormal (in all the best ways) witch?
So yeah, he ambushed her. She needed to eat, and frankly, he was sort of sick of caring more about her own health than she did. Pick up the friggin' slack, Evans. Help me out here!
She wasn't even giving him the common decency of looking him in the eye. Seriously, Lily? Ha. Well, okay. So he carried her to the kitchens. He just picked her up, threw her over his shoulder and kidnapped her. And you know what? He didn't even feel the tiniest bit bad about it. Not even when she put on a big show of pretending to hate it… because he was on to her now. He spanked her ass just to prove it.
Her response was about her knickers, not about his manhandling. Yup. Just as I thought. She needn't be embarrassed though. There was something wholly endearing about knowing that Lily Evans, gorgeous temptress to all men and fierce opponent in all battles of wits, still pulled up a swatch of fabric of cute little polar bears to cover up her cunt. It made her human.
After watching her eat some lasagna, and trying to pretend like it didn't bother him when she called him a creep, he confirmed that she wanted to be a healer. James couldn't help but let warm fuzzy feelings take hold inside of him at her admission. Lily the healer. It just worked. Lily was so smart, and so kind, he felt like an idiot for not having suggested the job for her sooner. It's perfect for her.
Don't be a creep, he admonished. He ragged on her skinny appearance instead so she wouldn't catch the admiration in his eyes.
After all but confirming that she hadn't gone to Hogsmeade because he asked her not to date Paxton, James watched as she seemed to struggle internally with something. She wanted to ask him a question… but he was scared he wouldn't like whatever it was.
He got her out of there, pressed against him under his cloak, trying not to touch her. It was torture, smelling her coconut scented hair right under his nose the entire journey up. He kept tripping on her, but what did she expect? He was really trying his best here!
But then there was trouble. James had been in enough of these high-stakes sneaking around predicaments to know exactly what to do. Lily, clearly, did not. He needed to pin her to the wall to get her to comply, silencing her shock. Okay, so he didn't have to, but no one could argue that flattening himself against her wasn't an effective technique of making them as small and undetectable as possible… The caretaker was none the wiser to their presence.
But James was now wiser to a great many things himself: namely just how horny Lily looked taking in his body before her. Her eyes had glossed over and she was breathing funny — and he would know, her chest was smushed right up against his. James knew he was confident, a great many people had told him so over the course of his life (sometimes using not-so-nice synonyms), but if he was being honest, he was actually not sure if Lily would ever look at him the way she did in his dreams. She was looking at him like she wanted him to take her right then and there and ruin all men to even dare try to come after him… Just like he'd always hoped she would. And he knew he could never say no to her — even to the desire he read upon her face.
That didn't mean he couldn't savor the moment though. That didn't mean that he couldn't watch enthralled as she squirmed under his touch, pining to reach his lips. She wants me, he repeated his favorite new mantra. He would never get over it. He would never take it for granted.
He would now wholeheartedly use it to his advantage.
Of course… it would always be nice to hear her say it. It had been ingrained in him that he was being a creep, that he was doing too much; so yeah, a little extra confirmation wouldn't hurt. He needed to be absolutely certain that he didn't want this so badly himself that he'd just concocted some elaborate fantasy where he had imagined everything he ever wanted come to life. All he needed was a verbal okay before he went in for the kill. That would be great.
So he pushed. And he teased. And he whispered in her ear while he knew she was freaking out about getting caught in the hall after hours. He never said he'd fight fair… And she was just so cute when she got flustered. He knew his amusement only drove her even more over the edge.
"Fine! I hate you, I hate you so bloody damn much, but I still want you to fuck me until I can't walk straight. Happy?!"
Oh. Fuck me. Her words went straight to his cock. He could focus on her denial about hating him later, right now, he had other things on his mind. How would he ever be able to sleep again having heard Lily yell these words at him? How would he ever be able to do anything but live in this moment for the rest of his life? She wants me to fuck her.
He all but tossed her into the common room, the beast inside of him roaring for a taste of her already, demanding to claim her as his own. He knew he was moving too fast as he picked her up — but she was wrapping her legs around his waist, she was tugging on his Merlin-damn hair, and he was losing his fucking mind. His whole body was vibrating with an energy that seemed ripe to blow at any minute. He could barely control it, he was just trying to contain it, steer it in a mutually beneficial direction before it detonated.
And now he was fucking dry humping her — and he couldn't help that either, amateurishly embarrassing as that was. They were in the middle of the common room, and he vowed their first time together wouldn't be somewhere so tawdry, but his hips seemed to have a mind of their own, fighting to get his body inside of hers. The friction they were garnering was sinful and euphoria shot through him. When she moaned from his rolling pelvis and roaming hands, he felt like a king.
She tried to grab his cock, the cheeky witch that she was, but he wasn't having it. He'd been a selfish lover before — he wasn't going to make that mistake now that it counted. When Emmeline asked him to go down on her, he'd pretty obviously not known what the hell he was doing. She'd gotten grouchy at him, demanding to know why… And he'd sheepishly explained that he hadn't done it before, even though yes, he had received blowjobs himself. She had given him an earful after that one. (And James had mused how Emmeline and Lily would probably get along nicely… and yes, then he pictured having a threesome with both of them.) Luckily, Emmeline had incentive enough to teach him how to properly eat out. He just hoped Lily would respond well to the same moves.
He was temporarily distracted, however, with just how fucking wet she was as she bucked up into him. Are you fucking kidding me?! She smelt amazing. Sirius oft complained about girls' potent scents, but nope. James just wanted to bury his damn face in there already. Of course she's perfect in every way.
So he asked her how she liked to be touched, but was instantly disappointed: she had no idea. Not only must Muggle bloke not have taken care of her during their hookup (the selfish prick, who wouldn't want to?!) but this meant that she didn't masturbate! And if there was one person who should be masturbating, it was Evans. Not only was it wildly fun to picture her doing so, but she could definitely use the extra endorphins… you know, to help her relax a little. Course he couldn't say this without completely ruining the mood, but it frustrated him for sure. Lily deserved to be pleasured whenever she damn well pleased. It was the 70s! Touch yourself already, damn it!
Maybe tonight he'd have to start slow and just figure out how she liked to be fingered then. He could do that for her — they'd learn what her body liked together.
He loved watching her come undone for him. He watched her face completely mesmorized, his fingers deep inside her warm, velvety core, as her brows knitted and her jaw slackened. She's begging for me. Me! James wasn't sure if he'd ever been so hard in his life.
She came for him. James was so fucking proud of himself. He gave her a celebratory kiss, wanting her to know just how much this moment meant to him. Some guys spent their whole lives trying to please a woman — he'd just made his girl come on his first try. What wasn't there to be smug about?
Well, maybe the fact that she's threatening to murder me. Again. James considered that maybe the orgasm he'd just given her wasn't that good after all. He tried not to let it sink his high, but how could it not? He'd just had Lily on her back, twitching in pleasure, and now they were seemingly right back to square one. Poof! Like nothing had just happened. Like they hadn't finally just happened. Maybe she actually does hate me…?
He lashed out to cover the hurt seeping into him. When he told her she needed to figure out what she wanted before she brought a guy into the picture, he was only half talking about her body. He really hoped she'd figure out what her heart wanted too.
The next day, James watched as Lily sat with some of the girls for breakfast. That wouldn't have to do with me teasing her about being a loner yesterday, would it? Nah… James reminded himself not to be so arrogant.
Then again… maybe the arrogance was well earned. Evans couldn't keep her eyes off of him now. Seeing her flushed cheeks only made him all the more horny himself, now having her o-face tattooed into his memory for life. How was he ever supposed to pass his classes now?
She got in trouble in DADA for gossiping with Marlene — so obviously he was going to ask his cousin what that was all about.
"James," Marlene sighed, shoving her hair over her forehead. "No. You don't push me to befriend her and then ask me what she says, I'm not your spy."
"Come on, just a little hint," James begged. "Was it about me?"
Marlene glared at me. "I like her, James. Telling you would be betraying her." James gave her puppy eyes until she faltered slightly. "Fine. She told me she doesn't fancy you in nearly the exact way you denied it. Happy?"
"No, what?" James said as a knee-jerk reaction before he could process that he'd lied about liking her too.
Marlene rolled her eyes. "She said you're hot."
As she walked away, James grinned as widely as he could.
By the time Quidditch practice rolled around, he was beyond sexually frustrated. He'd wanked himself to sleep the night before, and jerked himself off after two classes today. He'd rather not have to do it all over again or he'd start shooting blanks. Perhaps the only way to stop hearing Lily moaning the word 'Please' to him was to run his body into the fucking ground with training.
By the end of the session, he was pretty sure his whole team hated him, but he didn't care. He slept like a baby that night.
Only problem was, the next morning, he could barely move. He prodded a half-asleep Remus for the prefect bathroom password as he'd occasionally done since last year and lumbered over to it, moaning flamboyantly as he lowered himself into a hot bubble bath. Oh, I've earned this. He did a few stretches as he felt his poor overtaxed body start to relax.
And then it tensed right back up. Of all people, Evans had just ambled on in. Maybe the universe has changed its mind… He debated letting her undress, all I'd have to do is absolutely nothing, but he figured he'd crept on her once before. The next time he saw her breasts, she should probably be the one to show them to him, on purpose.
So he flirted and teased her. If she thought he was hot, he was going to give her a show… demonstrate just what she could be having if only she were to give in. He wasn't disappointed by her reactions: she was practically drooling as she eye-fucked the shit out of him, dropping her wand as her nipples hardened through her top. I did that. Just seeing me makes her wet. He took a step closer to her while naked (as she so astutely pointed out) and he resisted the overwhelming urge to rip her camisole clean off her body. It almost felt criminal to ignore the ache for him that was rolling off her in thick, warm waves, but he managed.
She had him cover up his cock, but James was no idiot: she wanted to touch him, it was clear as day. It felt so good knowing he was no longer alone in this… He wasn't the only creep in the room. He threw the insult back at her, relishing how she squirmed. She forgot her train of thought, so busy trying not to stare at his abs now that she'd been caught, and he loved that too. A sexually frustrated Evans was a cute as hell Evans.
So he put her hands on his hard stomach and watched her forget how to breathe. This is yours. He dragged her hands up. All of this is yours. He had her palm linger over her heart, hoping she could feel just how wildly it pumped for her. He wondered if she noticed it. Just fucking take it, Lily.
He asked her what she thought, because yeah, his ego would love to hear her say how fit he was, but she refused to play his game, implying she was messing with other boys.
Fuck. Obviously shifty little Adam came to his mind. He brought him up but saw almost immediately it was the wrong angle to take things. You're such a fucking idiot, Potter! Don't bring up other boys right now! She seemed to be responding better to his touch than his words. He decided he should probably focus on that instead.
Things went hazy after that. He wasn't really sure what they were talking about because before he knew it, Lily was shivering under his fingertips and she was kissing him and touching him back and — holy fucking shit — grabbing his cock. I could get used to this… His whole body tensed in anticipation under her soft hand, wondering if this was real life.
She asked him to show her how, which is weird, it's just a dick, but then everything went to shit. She thinks it's her turn. Shame flooded him. He felt like the biggest douche in the world. Perhaps he was complete garbage at reading the situation! Had he just all but forced himself onto this girl? Of course selfless, kind, wonderful Evans would feel guilty about not having reciprocated that night. Was that all she was feeling? Guilty? Having a girl touch him was obviously awesome, but only if she actually wanted to, holy fucking Circe.
He stormed out of the bathroom thoroughly embarrassed.
Then she sat right next to him in the next class. What does this girl want from me? She's so friggin' confusing! Maybe she wasn't done torturing him? Maybe she was fully back to being her old self again and wanted to play games with him again until he lost his mind? I mean, I would probably deserve it… Only this time, she was batting in the major leagues: trading in flirty skirts for eye-fucking and time-stopping snogs.
But then she started asking if he was playing her (huh?) and talking about his cock in the middle of class and — WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! James looked over to Sirius to make sure that this wasn't his most brilliant prank yet, but no, Sirius was actually paying attention to the lecture.
James' head was spinning, his world upside-down, but he thought Evans had just propositioned him. Like full on said she wanted to 'do something' with his cock and if he wasn't down she wouldn't 'waste any more time' on him.
What. The. Fuck.
What the fuck?
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Obviously he wanted to fuck her six ways to Sunday, but… she was down, just like that? He knew she'd said something similar outside of Gryffindor, but it sounded a whole lot different in the light of day, in class, and posed as an ultimatum. Okay, so she's woken up from her funk horny as hell, cool. Process this, process this faster, James. Was he interchangeable to her? She made it sound like any odd dick would do. Like… did she care for him at all? James knew he'd fuck her if she wanted him to, but she'd never be just a shag to him. She'd never be a replaceable toy that he could get bored of. Could he deal with possibly being one to her?
Lily walked over to Adam (right after our conversation, Lily? Really?!) and he accidentally burst a lightbulb overhead through his pure, pulsating jealousy.
Yeah. He'd find a way to deal with it. Over my dead body is she going to start sleeping with someone else if I'm an option.
"Moony, please," James begged in their dorm room that night.
"No. Come on, don't get me involved in this."
"Just have her wait by the door, that's all I'm asking for!"
Remus glared at him. "A broom cupboard door. The door to the very same cupboard you lost your virginity in."
Damn it. James knew all that bragging would come back to bite him in the arse one day. He didn't want to have to explain how he was trying to right the cosmic injustice of Lily not having been his first time by shagging her for their first time in the very same place he'd lost it. It obviously wasn't his ideal spot to shag the girl of his dreams, but she seemed to be on a deadline here and he had no time to waste. If he waited too long, who knew how many other volunteers she'd get. If she was propositioning them in the same way she had him, he doubted she'd receive a single rejection.
Either way, he didn't have time to argue this!
It looked like Remus was very much on to him… even though he hadn't told any of the Marauders of Lily's newfound attitude towards him. Even if Lily hadn't asked him to keep quiet about the whole situation, he thought he might still have remained mum. Too many external voices had ruined them the first time. This time, he was okay with everything being their little secret for now.
"I just need to talk to her," James lied. Remus tilted his head disbelievingly. "Look, I'll do all the patrols you're too sick for."
"You already do that."
James gave him a megawatt smile. "Exactly. Aren't I just the best friend?" Desperate times, desperate measures indeed.
Remus sighed heavily. "Fine. I'll ask her to wait there. But if she asks why, or leaves, that's not on me."
James punched his shoulder. "Thanks Moony! You're the best!"
Remus tried not to smile as James grabbed his Invisibility Cloak and the Map.
They were almost there now. James watched eagerly as Lily and Remus' labels rounded the corner in front of him, wiping his sweaty palms onto his shirt. This part was the biggest gamble of his masterplan — hoping that Lily would actually listen when Remus asked her to stay there for a minute. Thanks to whatever gods there were, she seemed wholly distracted and was playing with her hair. Must be some thoroughly engrossing daydreams.
He removed the cloak as soon as they were alone and made his move. She didn't need to find anyone else; couldn't she see he was right here in front of her? I've been here this whole time… just let me in. But the sappiness could wait for another time. Evans didn't ask him on a date, she asked him for a fuck, so that's what he was going to give her. He was determined to show her what she'd been missing, show her what that random Muggle wanker couldn't, shag her so good she'd see stars and scream out his name. Merlin, it would be so hot to hear her moan it…
He got her in the cupboard easily enough, stashing his lit wand up high on a shelf so he could see her. He wasn't going to miss a second of this.
Her body was so responsive to his touch — he'd never been able to make a girl come so quickly before. (And he knew Evans was not the type of girl who would indulge him by faking it. In fact, he was half-surprised she was as openly into their hookups as she was and not trying to hide just how much she loved having his fingers inside of her and his thumb on her clit.) He knew he was going to explode if he didn't have her right then and there. It felt like she'd been teasing him, teasing this, for years.
After she gave him the okay, it was finally the moment — he was finally going to shag Lily Evans. James tried not to think about how this was practically all he'd wanted since he was 13, tried not to think about how his girl was going to let him be inside of her — I mean, how lucky of a bloke am I that I'll—
Fuccckkkk, she's tight, James internally cried as he screwed his eyes closed, trying with all his might not to get overwhelmed by the feel of her squeezing him deliciously. For a second, he thought he might just accidentally come on the spot, and how pathetically embarrassing would that be?! He had the girl he'd been obsessed with for years (begrudgingly or not) in his arms, wrapped around him, and he didn't want to blow it. Literally. He couldn't fuck this up; he had to make this the best shag of her entire life or she might just run away to the next guy. Get a fucking grip, Potter.
Sirius had always crudely mentioned the difference between girls' cunts. Whenever James and Remus would sigh disapprovingly (and Peter would perk up for more details), he'd double down in his assessment. 'What? Girls always talk about dick sizes. Their junk is just as variable! It makes sense too… They come in all different sizes, shapes, and colors, and,' his voice got louder as Remus rolled his eyes, 'it's not a bad thing — it's just crazy how much of a difference you can feel during sex.' James had never believed his best friend. There was no way that you could feel if one pussy just felt better than another one. Brianna and Emmeline's had felt pretty damn similar — awesome, but similar. Surely, it had to do with the scenario, or the feelings involved, or something, if you could tell them apart. Nope. Lily Evans was just that blessed. Their bodies were made for each other — that was the only way he could explain it.
He'd imagined this moment countless times, and somehow it was still better. She was so warm, and so friggin' wet, and—
Crying?!
As soon as he tasted her salty tears on her lips, he flew into a full blown panic. And just like that, she was shutting him out again… because he'd pulled out? What did she expect — she was crying! Once again, he found himself at a complete loss over what the hell was going on. When he saw blood, he nearly lost it. I swore I didn't go that hard! Am I a fucking monster?! He couldn't believe he'd hurt her. He prayed that maybe she was just on her period.
Then she said the word hymen and his world stopped. No… but she wasn't… she said… Muggle. His brain short-circuited. He tried to wipe away her tears and she hit his hand. And then as he was still processing what had just happened, the fact that he had taken her virginity in a fucking closet like she didn't deserve to have her first time be in a palace or on top of a unicorn or wherever the fuck girls fantasized about losing it, she slapped him.
He tried to think what he said that could have been so offensive that he deserved to be hit, but he was still recovering from the fact that she had lied to him. She had lied so he'd leave her alone. But now she was screaming about him thinking she was a slag (What?! When?) and everything was going up in bloody flames.
And then she stabbed him through the heart. She told him he meant nothing to her. He was just a stick there to scratch her itch… and apparently not even a very good one at that.
He barely even registered when McGonagall busted them. He needed to get out. After he was out of sight, he donned his cloak once more and escaped to the Astronomy Tower. The air was so cool and fresh and it was easier to pretend like he wasn't crying. Get it together. You're 16 years old. You're the Quidditch Captain. You're James fucking Potter. He couldn't go back to his room like this. He hated showing weakness; he'd already shown enough after his mum died. Besides, once he told Sirius Lily's final line to him about being the school broomstick (I can say I asked her out again and she rejected me or something), he knew his best mate would start laughing at him… and never stop. He'd probably make some quip about needing salve for that sick burn. He needed to make sure he was in a place where he could handle those types of jokes without punching a wall first.
He couldn't believe they'd both lost it in that musky closet.
He wiped at his cheeks furiously as he looked out over the grounds glowing faintly in the light of the crescent moon. His thoughts were racing. How had she lied to him about her virginity? She was right, it shouldn't have been important, but it still had been to him. It had come to signify the difference between their levels of affinity for each other. James couldn't believe he'd been so badly devastated by something that hadn't even been true.
He'd taken her virginity.
What?
It changed everything. He should have been euphoric about the new development, at least a little bit (she didn't move on from me after all, I was her first time!), but he was still too racked with guilt for how he'd gone about taking it. No wonder she was crying… it must have hurt like hell. He hadn't been nearly gentle enough for what the situation required. James buried his face in his hands, stupid, stupid git. He wished he'd just have known. He would have done everything differently.
Worse still, he couldn't believe that he'd been the one who hadn't waited for her. So many of his actions last year had been shaped by what she'd claimed in that idiotic game of Truth or Dare. He'd gone and had sex with a girl who meant nothing to him to get over the betrayal of her doing the same — but she hadn't. They could have still had that little stupid fairytale moment, just the two of them, but in classic Potter fashion, he'd fucked it up. Literally. Gone and fucked it right up. She deserved so, so much better than this. Couldn't she see that? She must know that…
He wondered if she'd known about Brianna. He doubted girls bragged about conquests the same way his mates did, so hopefully not. Then again, she did imply that he was a massive whore, so that had to come from somewhere.
He'd find a way to apologize tomorrow. He wasn't exactly sure what he'd done wrong — at least knowingly — to make her freak out how she did, but obviously he'd offended her somehow. And he'd fucked up badly enough last year for her to have made all this shit up to keep him away in the first place. She didn't expect me to know she'd been lying to me, did she? Hopefully she'd accept his heartfelt 'I'm sorry.'
She didn't.
But before she could refuse his apology, he had to survive the dreaded morning after. Honestly, he kind of thought he'd have a little more time to prepare before interacting with her, but she ambushed Remus at breakfast, asking him to grovel for abandoning her on patrols the day before. How she wanted Remus' sorry but refused to hear his was infuriating. It's not fair.
Also, if Lily gave Remus too much shit for this… the guy may never help him out again. Soon, this became the least of his problems, because Evans pointed out that Remus had gotten a new owl. Shit. She could not find out that it had been him who'd been writing to her this summer! If she started describing Eros to the table, Sirius would definitely know the bird in question and probably blurt out it was his father's, thereby incriminating James and—
Fuck. He'd exploded Remus' goblet through sheer terror. Of course Lily wanted to help him, but now was not the time for them to be alone together and continue this potentially highly disastrous conversation. They'd both kill me if they found out… He had to remove Moony, and he had to remove him right now.
After sassing Lily away, James escorted Remus to the hospital wing, allowing Madam Pomfrey to properly admonish Remus for his klutzy behavior (sorry buddy) before he slipped off to Charms. There he found Snape and Lily arguing on opposite sides of a desk. As soon as he heard her hollowly tell him to leave her alone, he knew he had to intervene. Snape had always been so gross and pushy around her; she didn't deserve to have to deal with him. He slunk into the seat next to her, ready to tell Snivellus exactly where he could shove it, when he noticed she'd been crying. What the fuck, stop, just please stop… He wasn't sure how much more of her sadness he could bear.
Lily ran away, and James slowly turned back to stare at Snape, pure unadulterated hatred poring out of his eyes. "What did you say to her?" he growled.
"Fuck off, Potter," the greasy git sneered back.
James stood up. "I mean this very seriously: you'll stay away from her if you know what's good for you."
Snape looked like he was going to say something back but thought better of it when Flitwick entered the room from his office, giving them each a cheery, and totally oblivious, 'good morning.' Snape sulked off.
As soon as Marlene entered the class with her friends half a minute later, James spun her back around and pushed her towards the bathroom.
"What are you—?"
"Just make sure she's all right," he cut her off.
"James," she moaned beyond exasperated. "What did you dooo?" Marlene planted her feet.
"Nothing." James continued more vehemently due to her significant look, "Honestly! Snape said something to her. She looked really upset."
Marlene rolled her eyes before pushing open the bathroom door. "Maybe she stubbed her toe again," she mocked him.
She came out shortly afterwards, telling James that Lily was puking bile. He wondered if she'd eaten anything that morning. Probably fucking not, he grumbled to himself. James sent a house-elf up to her dorm room with soup and crackers after Marlene had escorted her up.
McGonagall was surprised Lily showed for detention they'd gotten for shagging in the cupboard and, honestly, James kind of was too. She'd seemed in such a bad state before… hell, he wouldn't have shown if he was feeling that miserable.
He tried to tiptoe around why she'd been so upset today (of course Snape had given him nothing to go off of), but she didn't trust him. She didn't trust him so much that she accused him of faking his concern. Before he knew what was happening, they were fighting again, and he was angry… but why? What does this witch do to me?!
So he relented. He didn't intend to fight with her, he wanted to apologize for yesterday. So he did.
And now they were fighting again. (WTF?!) James was going to rip all his hair out before he ever understood this woman. He was trying, trying so hard, why couldn't she see that? Why couldn't she meet him halfway? He was actually attempting to be a decent person here and she was flat-out rejecting it.
She admitted she only wanted him as a sex toy. He'd pretty much already gleaned that — but it still hurt so much more to hear her say it. As if the knife in his heart wasn't bad enough, she twisted it, implying he liked to hurt women.
Who the fuck does she think I am?! How could she possibly think that of me? She knows me. We were friends once for Circe's sake! He couldn't even recognize who she was anymore. Had she become so jaded by depression and heartache that she now lashed out all the time, trying to bring down others with her? Did the sweet, kind Lily that he'd loved so dearly only exist in his head now? Was that girl gone?
Does it matter?
James guessed not. He still loved her even if she was a bitch now. He couldn't help it.
James didn't sleep that night, too consumed with the words Lily had shouted at him. She couldn't actually hate him this much, could she? She couldn't actually not care that she was breaking his heart… She had to be covering for her own suffering, right? There was no way any of this was real.
He needed answers.
The next day during his free period, half delusional and exhausted, he got out the his Invisibility Cloak and the Map to check if the girls' room was currently unoccupied. Using the trick he and Sirius had discovered in 3rd year, he crept up the staircase and snuck in.
He'd been there before of course, but never unsupervised. A naughty thrill ran through him. He found Lily's bed easily, not only was it the closest to the door, but it smelt of coconut. What brand of shampoo does she use, for fuck's sake? James knew he shouldn't, but he was desperate — beyond desperate. This girl had shagged him, slapped him, yelled at him to do it again, then basically called him an asshole for not wanting to do it again unless it meant something. He had to know what the hell was going on with her.
He opened up one of her drawers… and found a gigantic box of condoms. "Fuuuck!" James moaned, burying both his hands in his hair. She was dead serious then — she wanted to shag, a lot. "There's like 100 in this pack," he grumbled to himself reading the label: 'Ribbed for Her Pleasure.' Well, at least she's looking out for herself. He turned over the box. It was unopened. James released a sigh he didn't know he'd been holding in, like somehow she might have come back from detention yesterday and already had time to sleep with someone else. Wait, if she has these, why didn't we use one? James guessed they hadn't really gotten around to the whole safe sex talk, rushing in full steam ahead in the heat of the moment. He knew he did a spell for himself (not that I ended up needing it…) but he should probably teach her a few too. After all, it was Emmeline, his own little sex guru, who had taught him the STI-check spell. He kicked himself. No James, you are not going to teach her spells so she can go shag other blokes, what is wrong with you?! It seemed like his pride and overprotective side were very much at odds over this. He shoved the box back so he could stop thinking about it.
His hands landed on a simple wooden frame with a picture of her parents inside. He remembered them vaguely… they'd brought Lily to his mum's funeral. She'd always spoken of them so fondly when the two of them had been friends. He wished he had spoken to them more. He wished he could have met them under different circumstances, maybe as their daughter's boyfriend in a situation where he wasn't traumatized. His eyes took in their faces — she really was the best combination of both their features. It was like Merlin himself had seen his options and designed a masterpiece.
The red leather notebook he'd been looking for caught his eye, poking out of the drawer. James bit his lip — I shouldn't. But that was the whole reason he was there… right? He'd seen her writing in that book while she was huddled by the lake for the past year. He knew full well what it was. He'd come to her room to take a peek inside Lily's head. He'd come to read her thoughts and — hopefully — figure this shit out. He couldn't go back now; he had to know.
Checking the Map one more time, he sat on her bed, brought her diary onto his lap, and cracked it open.
The first thing he noticed was just how many tear-soaked pages there were. Shit. James flipped through them quickly, trying to ignore the squirming feeling in the pit of his stomach. I have to, I have to, I have to… He figured he'd be a recent entry, so he looked for the last few pages. She's addressing these to Mary? Why isn't she sending them? And— James froze, face blanching. She was describing losing her virginity… and too embarrassed to admit to who. To her own diary?! Or to Mary? How bad must it be to not want to tell a book, a Merlin-damn book of her thoughts, that she had shagged him? What the fuck did I do?!
He snapped the diary back closed, having seen enough. He'd confirmed that she literally just wanted sex in order to feel something… and that she'd stop as soon as she got the 'slightest hint' that she was falling for him. So not only did she not have any feelings for him, that seemed to be entirely the point. Did she pick me because she thinks it's impossible to fall in love with me? James' heart sank. All that self-confidence the world frowned upon was nowhere to be found. He was almost ashamed by how much this revelation broke him. His mum hadn't fought to stick around for him, his dad hadn't fought to stay with him, and his girl — well, Lily Evans — had only shagged him because he was a dick (had a dick? Fuck, it doesn't matter…) He didn't realize how badly he wanted to be loved until he'd seen Lily's handwriting all but calling him an unlovable 'jerk.'
His pity party made him miss that Dorcas was walking up the stairs until it was nearly too late. "Shit, shit, shit," he muttered, frantically covering himself up with the cloak. In a blind panic, he threw Lily's diary under her bed and ran to the door, ready to slip out as soon as Dor came in.
He was doing a pretty good job avoiding her, he truly was. Was he still thinking and dreaming and wanking to her? Yes, naturally, but those were innate functions really, couldn't be stopped, even if he wanted to.
Then she showed up to his room. It was a ballsy move, especially considering he knew she and Sirius fought like siblings. Huh, and would you look at that…? They both hate their actual siblings. She asked if the two of them could have the room, and for a moment, James was taken back to last year… having asked the Marauders the same question so he could tell Lily how he couldn't date her. If only I hadn't been such an idiot back then. Maybe everything could be… better.
But he had been an idiot then, so everything was just fucked. However, James was on to her now. He knew what she wanted and he refused to be used like that. He was a man, damn it: he had thoughts and feelings and more to offer than just his cock, and if she couldn't see—
She was kissing him again. He knew she'd initiated before, but he wasn't sure if it would ever stop flooring him. No. Be strong, James Potter, you can do this—
She stripped off her robe and was standing before him in nothing but her underwear. The black fabric clung to her skin so snuggly it looked painted on, hugging her tits, displaying them to him so appealingly. Her breasts, oh her perfect, perfect breasts. He could write sonnets about them. He didn't even know what the fuck sonnets were, but he'd learn, if only so his first one could be about Lily's tits. Lily Evans is standing before you in her bra and panties… he thought as his eyes roamed all over her gorgeous body. This was his wildest fantasy come to life: Lily coming to him and all but begging him to take her. In that moment, James realized he was fucked (or was about to get fucked? Who knew they could come out to be one and the same?) because who on earth was expected to make rational, healthy decisions when that was in reach?
Naturally he crumbled under her touch, letting her undress him, until she committed a cardinal sin — she reminded him it was 'just sex.' So, he had to lay down some ground rules. The first (that she call him James while shagging) was purely for fantasy purposes — he really, really wanted to hear her moan his name. The second (him getting to make love to her how he wanted to) was to right a wrong. She may not see that she deserved that special first time experience, but he still did. Besides, if they were really going to be having sex again (it was so cute that I thought I'd be able to resist her), he may as well do it properly.
For a second, he thought his stipulations might have been just enough to scare her away… he should have been thrilled by that (I won't get strung along! I will be able to keep a shred of my dignity!) but of course he wasn't. He was scared she'd actually walk away; his whole body tensed in anticipation as he focused with all his might at his magazine. He guessed he was a teenage boy, so the prospect of losing out on sex was quite devastating, even if it was the sensible option.
But it looked like she wasn't going anywhere… and who was he kidding? He wanted her. He wanted all of her. Maybe if I make this really good, she'll see that? He kissed her with his entire being, cradling her head to him, trying to show her how much he cared for her. She's having sex so she can feel again… can't she feel this? James hoped that he could bring her into this moment with him, make her feel what he did, so maybe, just maybe, he could fix things between them. He wanted so badly to make her whole again. Sure, it was an insanely grand task that one teenage boy couldn't possibly be expected to complete, but he had to try, didn't he? He owed her that much.
He told her she was beautiful, told her she was perfect, because to him, she was. To him she was everything. But she was fighting him. Every soft caress was met with a hard grind of her hips or angry scratch of her nails. The ugly beast inside of him roared in protest. No… this is my fucking way, Evans. He pinned her down, teased her clit until she started pleading for him, getting him so, so hard.
Then he finally got to taste her. It felt like a hit of the strongest drug on the market, flooding his tongue, and his veins, with the essence of her. He wanted to get lost in her — Floo her to some tropical island where it was just them, so he could have her on her back and be between her thighs on a beach until he could kiss and lap all her past trauma away. He'd spend the rest of his life making it up to her, just like this, if she'd let him.
She came for him, and James had to admit, he still felt rather good about getting her to do that. He couldn't even remember if he'd ever made Brianna come. Surely, he must have right? Lily could try to hate him all she wanted, but he knew every orgasm would bring her just a little bit closer to him. Doesn't coming release crazy lovey-dovey hormones? Evans may be able to resist his charm, but could she resist biology? He sure hoped not. So yeah, he got a little cocky with her, getting lost in the prospect of finally fucking her right. She was eager and he was in control. This time when he pushed himself into her, he was watching her fully. Obviously, feeling her pussy accommodate to his cock felt heavenly, but seeing her pleasure, displayed so unabashedly on her beautiful face, was what was hitting him the hardest, getting him high. He was doing this to her; he was seeing her in a way no other person ever had before. He had sole claim to her sexual side. She's mine.
He wanted to see her eyes though. He knew he could see everything in her expressive eyes and he wanted to know how she was feeling. She tried to fight him on it, but eventually he was falling into her emerald irises, and he knew, he just knew that she was experiencing the same feelings as him if only a little bit. He'd never felt so connected to another human being as right then and he wished they could stay like this forever. Just them. Just Lily and James, wrapped up in this moment with nothing to prove.
He traced her cheek, wanting to assure her that this was good, she was safe with him, but she got scared and pushed him away all the same.
She ran away.
He sat there, looking sadly at his still raging erection. One of these days, she may let him come. Today was clearly not that day. He moodily ruffled his hair before slipping on a shirt and some pajama bottoms, ready to go take care of himself in the shower.
Sirius came back, asking him what happened, and James was so sexually frustrated that he couldn't help but mention that she'd given him a hard time. Fuck, I need to go jerk off. She'd left her bra and knickers on the floor, so he kicked them under his bed. He'd definitely be using those to get himself off again later.
Padfoot mentioned Lily had been hyperventilating by the door and James' blood froze in his veins. Shit. He tried to act casual, but inside he was panicking. Did I push her too far? He hadn't meant to, but he knew that she didn't trust that he genuinely cared for her. She'd yelled it at him in detention. Maybe she was pissed he'd let his 'fake' emotions for her seep out of him just now. Fuck.
James agitatedly walked to the shower and let his hand please himself, pretending it was someone else's — both smaller and softer.
James had to come up with a plan. If being too real had in fact scared her off, he'd have to rein it in a bit, just be his normal cocky self that wasn't head over heels in love with her. Sirius had said that he acted completely differently around Evans… perhaps she just liked him for who he was. Ha! Keep telling yourself that, mate. Yeah, even James' own conscience had to admit, that was a stretch.
Whatever it was, he had to see her as soon as possible to get a gauge on the situation. He had checked on the Map and seen that she was temping in the hospital wing… and that Poppy had just left. Now was his chance.
"Where are you going?" Sirius asked, lounging on his bed.
"Just… for a walk." It was a terrible lie, but James hadn't expected the question.
"Hold up, are you fucking someone new?" Sirius sat up giddily.
"No," James scowled, pulling on his shoes.
"Someone old then? Brianna?"
"No," James answered more convincingly.
"Okay, then who?"
James figured there was no point in lying to his best friend. He ignored that Remus was looking over to him curiously, and Peter a little enviously. "She doesn't want anyone to know about us."
"Ooo, kinky, secret sex. Nice going, Prongs."
As Sirius laid back down, James was infinitely grateful that his friend's motorcycle magazine must have been more enthralling than his sex life. He doubted this privacy would last forever though.
He walked over to the infirmary, breaking his finger along the way. He barely registered the pain, often breaking his fingers (accidentally) during Quidditch games or practice. Lily was there and she was adorable, clearly trying to remind herself not to lust over his body so obviously. I knew wearing her favorite color was a good idea… James made a mental note to keep going hard during practice so he stayed in tiptop shape for her too.
She fixed his ring finger in a jiffy, holding his hand a little longer than she probably needed to. Then she confused him. She inferred that he was hooking up with multiple chicks, but then immediately powered on as though embarrassed, asking him about Quidditch and him being a Chaser. She remembered. He smiled, before he recalled that she'd broken her promise to come to one of his games… Despite his hurt, he still didn't want to leave her hanging in her vulnerability. Even though it was human nature to have a decent recollection of things people had told you, he knew that admitting to retaining such information was somehow a big act in and of itself. Of course he too remembered things from their first date (he remembered it all, but he'd go with one little tidbit for now), so he threw it out there. How could she look so confused that he remembered that she wanted to fly? All his sappiest daydreams (because he didn't have to think about sex all the time) involved taking her out on a broomride, having his arms around her while he showed off all his tricks and just wowing her socks right off. (Okay, fine, maybe her knickers too, and then they'd find a way to bang while flying, Ministry regulations be damned. He often had to think about the absolute badass who had made this law of not fucking on brooms necessary… He hoped he'd get to shake their hand one day.)
But that was neither here nor there, because she got a far-off look in her eye over his admission and now he was terrified he'd done too much again. So he brought up sex — you know, our neutral, safe topic.
Although she said not now, he was deeply relieved. She was still down for later. She hasn't found someone else instead…
Course, maybe she was still on the prowl for someone better. In Potions class, Lily was partnered with Evan Rosier, the only boy in their year who could give Sirius a run for his money in the 'pretty' department (Padfoot's words, not mine). James bristled as he watched Lily take off her robe during the brew, revealing her short school skirt and too small button up. He thought she was into strong jaws on tall men, not pretty cheekbones and… fuck! Rosier was trying not to react to the stimuli, but James was also a man, and he could tell that he totally was. Did Evans honestly not know the effect she had on women-loving people? Was she truly this clueless? She was drop-dead gorgeous! That level of stunning came with responsibilities, damn it! She couldn't just wield her wiles all willy-nilly, someone would get hurt! (And it's probably going to be me.)
He accosted her after class, pretending he was angry because Rosier was a Death Eater (What? He very well might be. I have no proof that he is, but I also have no proof that he's not…) and not because he was another red-blooded male that he didn't want Lily to get too close to. But she wasn't folding; quite the opposite in fact: she was provoking him. She teased James about wanting Rosier instead and even threw in the word Mudblood — a term she knew he hated — just to get him riled up. It was working… he already wanted to throw her into a wall and fuck her so good she'd just stop fighting with him already.
James pointed out how Rosier hating her meant nothing in the scheme of shagging — because she was fucking him even though she hated him, right?
Then she dragged her finger down his lips and he lost all conscious thought. He wanted, no needed, to fuck her, and he needed it now. Apparently one sexy touch while her eyes roamed his face suggestively was all it took. He indulged her in some witty banter, but he was running on autopilot, all his blood already traveling to his boner, imagining all the ways he wanted to take her. She finally got the hint and yanked him to a secret passageway he was so glad she remembered, shoving him into a wall. The thrill of her blatant desire for him was back. Her little declarations of hating him were falling on deaf ears now, because he was on cloud nine. She'd hauled his ass somewhere to fuck him, her pupils were blown out, her nipples hard as glass, and her breathing was erratic as hell — she could protest all she wanted, he knew something about him did it for her. Somewhere in the back of his mind, James registered that her effect on him, this yo-yoing of his confidence and self-worth depending on her random sexual whims, was textbook definition of toxic… but he couldn't bring himself to give a single shit. He was a god again. Besides, he had to focus on this neck in front of him that he had to mark as his own, this body he had to explore every centimeter of, this witch he had to please or die trying.
So he played along with her little show of hating him as he slammed his cock into her, talking dirty in her ear while he held her up against the wall by her ass. She completely surprised him by taking control of their shag a little later though, working her body over him in a way no woman ever had before. She was a verifiable goddess and he'd been reduced to her humble servant, propping her up in his arms so she could ride out her orgasm. He couldn't help but stare at her with his mouth open, watching as she bit her lip and tossed back her head. He really shouldn't be surprised: she was amazing at everything, why wouldn't she already have mastered sex?
He was close, so fucking close, but he had to hold on for her; she had to come first. He whispered in her ear, imploring her to come with him and by some miracle, that pushed her over the edge so he could let himself go too.
Ecstasy didn't even begin to describe the feeling of spilling himself into her for the first time. His thoughts went blissfully blank as he was reduced to a puddle of sensations, rendering him completely gone to the world, too wrapped up in Lily, Lily, Lily. His lips found hers of their own accord, and he wasn't sure if he was thanking her for giving him sweet release (because thank you, thank you, thank you) or if he just wanted to feel close to her or what. All he knew was in those first few seconds of recovery, while their foreheads were touching and he was sweeping kisses over her cheeks and nose, he felt like he was home. It was a strange feeling, but not an unwelcome one.
Predictably by now, she retreated back into herself like they hadn't just come together a minute ago, like they hadn't just shared the most intimate moment ever. He tried tucking some of her hair behind her ear, but when she flinched, he decided not to push his luck with another kiss. After all, he'd seen what he wanted: no guy she'd hook up with in at least a week wouldn't know that he'd been there first. As it turned out, her lily-white skin took to hickeys very well.
James had been expecting Lily to call out his sucky behavior in Care of Magical Creatures, or COMK as Pads so affectionately calls it, but he hadn't anticipated her tender side.
He really hated Thestrals. Why would students need to be reminded of seeing their loved ones take their dying breaths? He refused to go back to that moment in Mungo's, seeing his mum frail and emaciated from having been unable to keep food down for weeks. It had made him rather sensitive to food topics and girls who refused to eat even though their bodies could still process sustenance and wouldn't just reject it like his mother's had. He wanted to remember his mother as the happy, sassy, vibrant woman she'd been. The woman who'd been first in line to take the mickey out of her own son, but always got away with it because she loved him so much.
Lily's hand was up, indicating that she could see them too. Of course it was; he'd heard she'd been in the accident with her parents. They'd been in some sort of Muggle contraption that had malfunctioned. No one deserved to have this pain. It was the first time James hated that they had something in common.
He knew he needed a distraction, so he hoped she did too. He teased her about covering up the hickey. She joked with him, but he could feel her gaze on him too, hot and heavy. He figured he might as well be honest and apologize for not being there for her like she was for him. She'd never know it, but she had gotten him through his mother's death. Sirius had been grieving too, and his dad had abandoned ship, but Lily was his rock. He could never repay her for the kindness she'd shown him then. And then you didn't even go to her parents' funeral. Sure, he hadn't known about it, but that was his fault for no longer being someone she could confide in, wasn't it?
The moment felt so poignant, and she looked so sad, and he really wanted to hold her hand. Being careful not to scare her off again, he settled for linking pinkies. She let him.
October was the best month of James' life. He really felt like he had a girlfriend. Sure, she hated him, but still; Lily was like his spiteful, angry little girlfriend right now, so he'd take it. He and Lily had fallen into a wondrous pattern of fucking just about every time they felt like it. In the halls, in deserted rooms, in his bed… never in her bed though. She didn't know he knew how to get past the girls' staircase and he was afraid to go in her room ever since he'd read her diary. He didn't want to deal with the shame that that past action dredged up.
Possibly the worst part was not being able to tell anyone. James wanted so badly to shout from the rooftops, yell and scream for all to hear, that he was finally shagging Lily Evans, and if he could do that, please, just go follow your dreams! Anything is possible if you try hard enough! But obviously this wasn't a viable option: firstly because he was pretty sure no bird would want to shag a loony bloke, but also, she'd made it pretty clear that he had to keep his trap shut. And he sure as hell wasn't trying to ruin this.
He learned a great many things over those weeks. The first of which was Lily was fucking loud. He loved it, and it made him feel like more of a man than he ever thought possible, but it also meant he had to learn how to perfect his muffling spell ASAP. There were only so many times you could get away with covering a witch's mouth as she came before she started taking it personally. Second thing James learned was Lily had a birthmark on her upper thigh right before her apex. He guessed he'd been a little too nervous or preoccupied the first time he ate her out to properly notice it. He'd deny it if it was ever brought up, but James worshipped that little beauty spot, making sure to kiss it whenever he was down there. To him, it was his and Lily's body's little secret — they were the best of friends even if Lily didn't acknowledge this fact yet. Every time he saw it, he felt like it was his own personal little victory. The last major thing he learnt was that pretending to fight with James seemed to be very important to Lily's foreplay. It was almost like she was building up her body's permission to indulge in his. As if being super heated somehow excused the egregious sin of wanting to fuck him silly. James no longer minded this because things seemed to be going well between them. She could pretend to hate him all she wanted; he could still tell they were growing closer. The fact that she had to push him away when he tried to initiate post-sex cuddles or openly walked away when he told truly hilarious jokes had to mean something, right? He'd get there… and in the meantime, he might as well enjoy the ride. The beautiful, sweaty, bumpy, toe-curling ride.
He had a few hiccups along the way though too. One day when he was particularly horny (she'd absolutely nailed the new spell in Charms and then confidently flipped her hair over her shoulder like it was nothing), he tried dragging her into his room, but she refused him saying she was on her period. James had given her his most dashing smile.
"So? Why don't we just do it in the shower then?"
"What?" Lily had asked nonplussed.
James shrugged. "I don't mind a little blood if you don't." He leaned into her ear. "We can just pretend it's your first time all over again."
Apparently it had been waaaaay too early to joke about that. Luckily, Lily's periods seemed to be mercifully short, so they were back at it in no time. James had to admit that he spent a little extra time studying the Map during those few days, just to make sure that the whole period thing wasn't a secret cover to find a new fuck-buddy. (It wasn't. Unless she was having a tawdry affair with his cousin.)
Another time, he'd been shagging her in his bed and tried to lift one of her legs up high on his shoulder to deepen the penetration as he leaned into her, but that hadn't gone over well either.
"Ow! What the hell are you doing?" she practically snarled beneath him.
James looked down to where their bodies were clearly merged. "Lily, I think it's quite obvious I'm fucking you."
"No, genius, with my leg!" She applied pressure so her calf was pushing his shoulder back. "It doesn't go that far."
James' hand came up to grab her ankle, kissing it quickly before he could overthink it. "What do you mean?"
"I'm not that flexible, that's what I mean."
"Lily…" James said all too seriously. "When's the last time you stretched?"
"James," Lily mocked, squeezing his cock inside of her with her pelvic muscles as her own little nod to why she was using his first name. He tried stifling his resulting moan, but the grin on her devilish face told him she'd definitely caught it. "Not everyone is a jock. Normal people don't just stretch."
"What?" James exclaimed. "Of course they do!" He considered her. "Or they really should." He pulled himself out of her so he could devote his attention to pushing Lily's outstretched leg forward.
Lily groaned, both from her straining hammy and the sudden lack of James' substantial length inside of her. She regarded him skeptically. "Are we really doing this?"
James put down her leg and picked up her other one by the ankle, dropping into full Quidditch Captain mode as he supported her knee. "100%. It's for your own good and longevity, Lils. No one likes a crippled grandma."
Lily smiled. James thought it was probably because she couldn't run away. I really am hilarious if you're forced to stick around for the punchline.
Obviously, there were a lot of things that James knew he was doing right too. One hookup, after spending adequate time on his knees, eating her out while her fingers were clutched in his hair egging him on, he stood up and spun her around. She seemed confused at first, but his thumb reaching around for her clit and his lips on her earlobe made her come around to the new position. If she didn't know how much he cared for her before, she should have figured it out by the fact that he agreed to accompany her all the way out here to bone under his cloak on this cold-ass day. He eased himself into her against the beech tree, and watched as she snapped off a branch in front of her, gulping for air.
"Talk to me," she moaned, arching her back as he kept up his slow rhythm in and out of her. It was a nice change from her usual 'shut up's.
James was so startled by her abnormal request, he almost didn't know what to say. Almost. "I love it when your thighs quiver against my cheeks when my tongue dips inside of you," he panted softly. Lily gasped so he knew he was onto something. "I love how you start creaming extra hard when I use my fingers to please you while I suck on your clit," his voice rasped in her ear.
"James…" her tone was reproving, biting on her lip, but her body was telling him she was close again. He brought his free hand up to tease one of her breasts through her clothes.
"I love how badly your body wants me even when you pretend it doesn't," he growled, making her fingers dig into the bark on either side of her face, needing to claw into something. James grinned to himself satisfied.
As if to argue his point (he didn't know how it was a rebuttal, but hey, if it made her feel better, go right ahead), she started pushing her hips back onto him, now the one in control of just how far his cock went inside her. He braced himself against the tree over her shoulder. "You wish, Potter."
He came soon after; her thrusts were actually a lot harder and deeper than his had been. Whatever, I'll let her have her denial. That night during an encore session (she was truly insatiable), Lily instated a rule about him not talking which James found quite hypocritical since she'd asked him to speak by the lake, but alas. Lily had to figure out Lily he supposed.
He was very glad he'd insisted on a safe word though. He was doing the best he could, but Lily's moans of approval, and moans of 'ow-you-just-thrusted-a-little-too-deep' were insanely similar, and it gave him great peace of mind knowing she could let him know the difference. This proved especially important after she revealed that sometimes she liked it rough. James nearly died. This witch was going to kill him. He started pinning her down a little more after this, holding her wrists or pulling on her hair, and she fucking responded well. James honestly wasn't sure if he could even handle this new development. There had to be a catch to him living out his teenage wet dreams, there just had to be. He honestly kind of wanted to try tying her up, but he wasn't sure if that was the kind of shit she'd be into, and he didn't know if it was his place to even ask. He'd never done anything like that before, but he figured you had to have some level of established trust that he didn't think they quite had yet. You already have it so good mate… why risk it? He did however learn a lubing spell so that things could still run smoothly whenever she practically jumped him and wanted it right then and there with no preamble. It was days like those that made him wonder if it maybe wasn't just her body that craved him.
Like clockwork, as if he was now radiating a happy, satisfied man energy, other women started flocking to him. Sirius had pointed out this phenomenon to him before, having dubbed it: the happy bird dilemma. Sirius said that if you were happy with a girl, other girls sensed it and would come out of the woodwork to test your resolve. James was amused, considering there wasn't a single other girl out there that could sway him away from Lily, but it was still crazy to witness. Sarah, a fit 7th year Ravenclaw who he was pretty sure had never talked to him before, approached him after lunch one day and asked him to walk her to her Charms lecture. Padfoot raised his eyebrows, pretending not to eavesdrop, but James knew he was lazily trying to figure out who James had been secretly shagging.
"Sure," James told her, taking her proffered books for her. She flirted her little heart out with him along the way, asking him if he had any plans for the next Hogsmeade date right outside Flitwick's door. "We'll see," James answered, handing her books back and giving her a sly smile. "Enjoy class." He gave her a wink and walked off. Well, good to know I've still got it.
But then came the great coat incident of '76. Remus walked into the common room one especially frigid day smelling fresh and outdoorsy with his cheeks fully flushed. He made a beeline for James. "Prongs, I need to talk to you." He looked timidly excited.
James closed his book. "Okay, about what?"
"Lily actually."
James tilted his head. He hadn't told the Marauders anything… so it couldn't be about their new fling. "K?"
"Look, so I was just with her at the lake, and we were talking, and I may have—"
"Moony!" Sirius had just ambled in and James wasn't even mad he'd interrupted. He wasn't sure that he could handle where this conversation was headed. Had Lily made a move on Remus? The past few weeks had been amazing for him, but maybe they weren't enough for her. Maybe she was ready to try someone new to help her feel. James' mind raced as his heart tanked. He recalled Remus and Lily's kiss at her best friend's request, how she'd opened up to Remus this summer, and how she'd still been his friend last year despite everything. Maybe she'd gotten her dick fix and was ready for someone who was more boyfriend material… James couldn't help but crumble to the sadness of wondering if he'd been used. He felt like he owed Brianna an apology. If Lily had shagged him to get experience just like he'd used Brianna, he'd be crushed.
James was already hating himself for how jealous he was of one of his best friends. What kind of asshole got jealous of their friends? James prided himself on what a good and loyal mate he was. Yet now looking back at Remus' giddy excitement approaching him only a few minutes ago — probably to tell him that Lily had confessed her true feelings for him, and how he couldn't deny his crush any longer, and how they were going to run away together, and please, Prongs please can we have your blessing? — all he felt was throbbing jealousy coursing through his veins.
You're the worst.
Remus kept throwing James tentative looks as Sirius dominated the group's conversation, like he really, really wanted to talk to him, but James was still festering — a bubbling pot of water, ready to boil over.
Lily came in a few minutes later… and gave Remus back his coat. Snap. Crackle. Pop. Sirius made a joke about them hooking up and James nearly choked on his own tongue over the color their cheeks had turned. They're definitely into each other. James' jealousy morphed into seething and he only looked at her when she stormed off for her staircase.
Remus pulled him aside shortly after. "What the hell was that?!"
Jeez, he's awfully protective for someone who just started seeing her, what, two hours ago? Couldn't have been much longer than that, they had banged after Potions earlier that morning. "Congrats," James grumbled, refusing to look his friend in the eye childishly.
"On what?"
"You and Lily. That's what you wanted to tell me, isn't it?" He tried and failed saying in a neutral tone.
"What? No, you idiot, I was going to tell you that I think she really likes you!" James' eyes snapped up to Remus' just in time to catch his eye roll. "Or at least she did… before what you just said."
Fuck. James hoped Remus was right, about Lily liking him, but of course it was hard to let go of his jealous suspicions now that they'd taken root in his soul. "What I say again?"
"'What could I possibly have to be jealous of?' after Sirius implied that… the two of us were together," Remus finished sheepishly.
Oh right. The complete opposite of everything I'm feeling. "Shit."
"Yeah, shit indeed," Remus grumbled.
"Well why didn't you tell me!" James exclaimed.
"I was trying to!"
"Fuck!" James' hand flew into his hair. "Why do you think she likes me then? What she say?"
"No, I'm staying out of this now. Look what a mess things become when I get involved."
"Oh come on, Moony, please! I'm dying here."
"No," Remus said solemnly. "Talk to her. If you're old enough to shag, you're old enough to have a grown-up conversation about your feelings, Prongs." He gave him a significant look as he walked away.
Only one thought registered with his words: She told Moony we're fucking?! That wasn't good. Suddenly all his insecurities flooded right back in.
That night, James lured Lily down to the common room using a Snitch and the trick staircase. He really was so crafty sometimes, wasn't he? All he could think as she lay at his feet spreadeagled in her fuzzy pajamas was how damn cute she looked. But no, he was on a mission: find out once and for all if Evans fancies my mate. And if she does, I need to cut this off right now because I can't get hurt like that, and my Merlin, it would probably kill me, but maybe (possibly) one day (far, far off) I could be happy for them, but, fucking hell woman, just put me out of my misery now and — shit. She was running away again.
This time when he forced her back down the stairs, he made sure to capture her securely in his arms. He nearly melted when she leaned into his embrace, resting her head on his shoulder, instead of fighting him. It was just a hint of the intimacy he longed for, right here, in his arms…
Focus. He started asking her about Remus. These questions had been plaguing him for a year (a bloody soddening year), so now that he'd started, he really couldn't stop. They all spilled out in a jumble overwhelming her. She was about to leave him again, so he let a bit of his own vulnerability in the moment slip through… but she still wasn't giving him an answer as to whether she fancied Remus of not.
Then she told him she found Remus 'cute.' The word taunted him, having been the exact same he'd just used to describe her in his head. He knew the weight that adjective could carry coming from the right person. Lily thought her and Remus were compatible.
All thoughts of stepping aside and being happy for them flew from his mind. No. This girl is mine. He stalked towards her, determined to make her see it. He caged her against the wall and watched as her body came alive before him, her breathing, her pupils, her nipples — everything reacted. And it only made him that much more horny. Her hands rested on his forearms, clamping down tightly. He played with her breasts because he could, he fingered her because he could, her hands moving to his hair being all the permission he needed. She was so fucking wet for him. Don't toss me aside.
He made her tell him that she didn't want his best friend, getting it out of her in the only way he currently knew how to get her to do anything: sexual tension. He was lightly tracing her skin how she liked, but going hard against her clit like she craved, and she said it. Lily wanted him, not Moony.
Good. That was exactly what he wanted to hear. He was still kind of mad at her though. She'd gone and confided in Remus, again, but not him who was begging for her trust. Him who'd literally do anything she'd ask, if she just let him. Him who was yearning to turn this relationship into something more than strictly physical. Maybe it was about damn time to show her what it felt like to be denied what she truly wanted. It was her turn to be left out of the loop, not knowing what the fuck was going on.
Yes, walking away from Lily (with the taste of her on his tongue thanks to his finger that had just left her cunt), while she panted and threw him desperate daggers with her lustful eyes, was a great feeling. That image alone would be fantastic to masturbate to in the comfort of his own bed.
He felt like he had really sent her a message that day. He was sure she'd received it loud and clear.
Nope. No she did not. It seemed like Lily was going fully in the other direction, flirting with everything that moved. At first, he thought that maybe she was just extra horny, but after she slapped Padfoot's ass right in front of him, he knew she was doing this shit on purpose. The flirting that bothered him the most though, was what she did with Adam.
"Hey, what do you know about Paxton?" James asked Sirius in DADA as he tried not looking at a giggly Lily sitting a few rows in front of them.
"Head Boy?"
"No, that one." James nodded his chin to Adam.
"Um… not that much. The kid's quiet, no? Mostly keeps to himself. Why?"
James scratched his cheek. "Nothing. I just don't trust him."
Sirius studied the boy in question. "Well, Evans sure seems to think he's funny, doesn't she?" He snorted. "Poor Moony."
James took a deep breath. Fuck my life.
This statement became even more applicable when Lily and Adam were partnered together for their big group presentation. James accidentally tripped Adam to the ground while they were leaving the classroom later.
She was ignoring him. She was full on being a little brat and not even looking his way anymore. What the fuck, are we 13 again? This type of behavior was beneath her, even if it was highly effective at pissing him off — come on! He'd wanted her to realize just how good they were together, not prove how much she didn't need him for fuck's sake.
So now he was resorting to playing dirty. He knew she was a sucker for his muscles, possibly as visual of a creature as he was, so he showed them off every chance he got, especially amused by just how much she drooled over his forearms. (He loved her absolute lack of poker face.) The immature part of him wished to tell her that they were this toned in the first place because of her, or at least what the thought of her had done to him for years.
He'd crack her eventually he decided confidently. It's only a matter of time.
Although, even James couldn't have guessed just how much he'd crack her at Slughorn's Halloween party. He knew she was rather partial to his abs, always kissing, pawing, and generally adoring them every time they shagged, so naturally the costume he wore had to be shirtless and easy. The expression on her face when she saw him made all his efforts (and workouts) worth it; he could have been wearing a paper bag over his face and she still might have wanted him. (Actually, she may want me more then, and perhaps that is the problem.)
Fuck she looks great in white. He had no idea what her costume was supposed to be though… just perfect goddess of a human being? Ah, she forgot it was Halloween. A thrill shot through him at being able to save the day, or at the very least fix something, for her. As a little nod to their Transfig lesson together, he gave her a cat tail and ears. She looked furious, but so adorable. He felt like an utter arse though after he ripped her dress for the tail hole and she started worrying about how much the dress had cost. Stupid, impulsive Potter, never thinking anything through…
He was still able to get her all hot and bothered before he entered the party though, so he'd consider their whole interaction a win. From the corner of his eye, he watched her fluffy white tail swish and flick the entire time, loving just how riled up she was, unable to keep her eyes off him. But he'd decided she had to approach him. His ego was bruised and you know what? Coming to him and asking for him back was the very least she could do.
But then Paxton approached her, and out the window flew that plan. James nabbed her away and took her to the Room of Requirement. The traitorous, rude, embarrassing, damn Room of Requirement. All he'd asked for in his head as he paced in front of the would-be door was a 'small, romantic space where I can seduce Lily,' and what he got was a Merlin-damn heart shaped doorknob, mocking the living shite out of him. Well played, Room. Well played. He guessed while he could fool Lily about the extent of his feelings for her, Hogwarts castle was friggin' on to him.
But of course, she'd somehow seen all the candles and rose petals and thought: 'sex dungeon.' A bloody sex dungeon. How someone could be so smart and yet so clueless was beyond him. Like, he realized she was very skeptical, and perhaps even a little repelled by romance, but come on! There are ROSE PETALS, Evans! What else could that mean?!
Whatever. He was getting back his girl tonight. No more childish games. He started touching her and watched fascinated as her body acquiesced. She all but ripped his few articles of clothing off and he smirked. Don't forget it, Evans. You're mine. You'll always be mine. He had gotten the girl, no one else. He had.
Then she started talking dirty to him in a way in which she never had before. He felt his cock twitch at the word 'pussy' rolling off her tongue. To be honest, in all those years of picturing them shagging, this had been more how he imagined it going… Lily in total control while he just went along for the ride, happy as a tree blowing in the wind. She mounted him, and it was like she was a woman possessed, teasing and manipulating his body just where she wanted it. She used his cocky lines back on him, and he didn't hate it, they looked better on her anyway. Well, everything looked good on her, but this especially so. As she finally sat down on his cock, he let his eyes feast on her. Her hair on fire was thrown over her shoulders out of her face so he could see the intense, closed-eye look of concentration there. Her arms were bracing against his chest, pressing her tits together to make the most appealing valley he'd ever seen in his life. Her waist dipped before widening to the sexiest of hips, perched upon his own, about to do all the hard work of riding him. She was a queen.
He grabbed for her hands, interlocking their fingers in an effort to bring them closer. He couldn't help it, she looked like she was having such a good time, riding his dick, having him inside of her, and he just wanted to remind her that the rest of him was still down here too, lest she forget. But when he squeezed her hands and she locked eyes with him, she nearly lost it, and not in the good way he'd intended. Suddenly, her mad yelps and cries stopped and she froze, clamming up, as though she'd somehow been reminded just what they'd been in the middle of doing… Or maybe who she's doing it with? James pushed this depressing thought out of his mind. This won't do. James leaned her forward over him so he could buck his hips up into her. They were on the cusp of something, James knew they were. If only they finished strong, finished through the freakout, maybe she'd be forced to come to terms with the fact that their relationship was starting to mean something. Perhaps she'd realize that it was deeper and more monumental than she'd originally planned for it to be and that was okay.
It felt different to him at the very least.
She was so damn into this angle, and her enthusiasm alone nearly did him in, but no. He was determined to get her there tonight; he had to last. He gritted his teeth, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have her tits bouncing right in his face to contend with. Luckily, soon she was positively screaming, her fingers drawing blood on his pecs, and her walls clenching and relaxing around him, making loud, wet squelching noises. He let out a strained groan — he could finally let himself come.
When Lily tied up his arms and legs, he thought maybe he already had and then died from the immensity of it and that this was heaven. In what other scenario would Lily Evans be tying him to a fucking bed?
Oh. In the scenario where she wants me to suffer in the cruelest and most unusual of ways. James was pretty sure this was a war crime. How had she even learnt this shit?! He was so close that one light breath on his cock would probably have gotten him there but she was dragging her fingers everywhere else. WHAT THE FUCK. James wanted to curse, hell, he may even have wanted to cry, so insanely, painfully erect. Fuck, he'd finish himself off, if only she just released his arms from these ropes…
Despite his throbbing dick taking over most of his conscience, there was still room for a pang of something else. Disappointment: here he was, bringing her to a room with floating candles and hearts and… she was back to playing games. It was probably his fault… he had started the games, but still; it kinda sucked.
"Don't fuck with me, James."
…
…
…
Nevermind. Nothing sucked and everything was awesome because, holy fucking shit, she could fuck with him however she damn well pleased and he'd kiss her feet and thank her for stepping on his face. I don't know! Seeing Evans like this was the biggest aphrodisiac he'd ever encountered in his very lucky life and his brain had been reduced to absolute mush. He watched her leave after tapping his ropes to release him in three hours. Fuck. James spent that time seeing if just reliving Lily wholly dominating the crap out of him could give him the release he so desperately needed. (It couldn't, but it was a very fun effort.) He experimentally tugged on his restrains, all his muscles rippling, even though he knew it was pointless… Evans knew her magic. He also knew being rescued by his friends was out of the question because this room didn't show up on the Map… It was a blessing and a curse because he wasn't sure he'd ever live down being discovered like this.
As soon as he got control of his hands back, he rubbed one out so quick, he may have set a new personal record. Fucking finally, he sighed as he cleaned himself up.
Just as James had predicted, as soon as he returned to his room, Sirius practically jumped down his throat despite the crazy time of night.
"Okay! I've been super respectful, but enough is enough! Who the fuck are you shagging!?"
James rolled his eyes, sidestepping him so he could go to bed, utterly spent. "Padfoot—"
"Don't lie to me! I know where you must have been!"
"Pads." Sirius looked at him eagerly as he took a dramatic pause. "I'm not going to tell you."
Sirius threw a pillow roughly at James' face. "You suck." His face split into a grin. "Or…. she does?"
Huh. She hasn't yet actually. James groaned as he closed his bed's curtains. Now Lily on her knees sucking him off with the same mischievous glint in her eye that she'd had when she'd tied him up was all he could think about.
The next morning, James sat down for breakfast with the girls to get a read on the situation. She seemed surprised to see him (What? Was she expecting me to still be tied up?), but then to his great amusement… she mentioned him shagging a professor. This was twice now that she'd brought up him flirting with Stone. She was jealous… and he loved it. He could use all the indications that she fancied him more than she was willing to admit that he could get.
Later that weekend, while the lads went down to the Shrieking Shack for Remus' transition, James donned his Invisibility Cloak and told them he'd be there soon. Naturally, Remus knew what he was going to do, having been the dolt to sign up for a patrol with Lily during a bloody full moon, but he didn't say anything. James wondered why he'd been so careless this time. James usually had to cover for his patrols on days near transformations, not during it. It wasn't like he could very well be in two places at the same time.
He considered skipping it and just going to his friends, but things had been getting steadily worse at the castle. Not only were people throwing around the M-word like it was nothing anymore, but he'd seen more than one Slytherin leering at Lily this year, eyeing her grotesquely while whispering to their friends. He didn't like it — not one bit. He felt like he was just starting to get Lily back; he wasn't about to lose her again. Why tempt fate?
So he tagged along on the patrol unbeknownst to her. If all went well, she'd be none the wiser… and if not, well. They'd cross that bridge when they got to it.
For a horrifying moment, James thought Lily was about to go outside when he saw her staring at the lake for far too long — during a full moon, is she mental? — so he threw a stray pebble behind her, jumping her out of her reprieve. He regretted it almost immediately when she followed the noise… and was accosted by Avery.
James wanted to punch him in his ugly fucking face. Who dares do that to women? Who dares to even talk to them this way?! James' wand was outstretched under his cloak, pointed straight for Avery's heart, probably lifting the cloak so that his shoes were visible, but the pair didn't notice. They were too busy staring each other down with the most disgusted expressions.
When Lily's face slowly started turning purple and her hands shook, he knew he had to do something to help her. He was worried she was about to have a panic or straight-up heart attack. He tried whispering her name, trying to calm her down subtly, but he didn't think she heard him.
But then she did the dumbest thing he'd ever seen anyone do: she pocketed her wand and turned her back to Avery. As he defensively hexed the Slytherin for her, he didn't know if his anger was directed towards him or her. What was she thinking?! Will she ever take her own wellbeing fucking seriously?! He turned to her, ready to give her a piece of his mind once and for all.
She slapped him again.
She was yelling at him, unrestrictedly screaming, calling him a stalker and a creep, almost verbatim every word he'd ever worried he was. He tried backpedalling, he tried reminding her about how they could make a new rule, and how he'd happily relinquish control back to her, but she wasn't having it. She saw him. All this time, James thought the reason Lily didn't like him was because she just didn't know the real him, and if she'd only give him a chance… Turned out it was the opposite. She knew exactly who he was… and that's why she hated him.
There was a small moment there where she softened slightly and he thought he might have a shot at redemption, but she figured out it wasn't the first time that he'd followed her with the cloak. It wasn't like he could just come out and say that he'd done it because he was scared about her abusive foster parents without admitting he'd noticed after finding her… after impersonating Remus…
So she needed space.
Moony absolutely wrecked him when he finally made it to his friends and transformed with them. He just wasn't in the mood to defend himself anymore.
Next Chapter: Let Me Love You
Thank you guys! Stay safe xx