Chapter 34: Saturday, May 24, 1980\

"War demands sacrifice of its people but it gives only suffering in return."

-Frederic Clemson Howe

Hermione's eyes burned from lack of sleep, the feeling of exhaustion becoming all too familiar again. Her heart was thumping in her chest as her recently spiked adrenaline refused to calm down, her hands wrapped around her mug of tea as she attempted to take in a slow breath. Remus shifted beside her on the couch, his own face drooping with exhaustion. It was still five days from the full moon, but the events over the last two days had left him completely expended.

"He hasn't been over since…" Lily trailed off, her voice weak as she hinted around Fabian and Gideon's death. "He warded his flat, even James can't get in. I don't know what to do."

"Is James there now?" Remus asked.

Lily nodded her head, "James said if he doesn't come out today he's going to talk to Alastor to see if he can get him or Kingsley to come break the wards so he can get in. He's afraid he'll drink himself to death if he stays locked in there much longer."

"Fair fear to have," Remus muttered. "I tried going over last night, the door burned me when I touched it."

Hermione sighed, leaning forward to place her mug back onto the tray on the coffee table between them. She knew what this was, and Sirius wasn't going to open the door if he could help it. Getting Kingsley and Moody involved would only serve to infuriate him. He was blaming himself, plainly put. He thought it was his fault that the Prewett brothers were killed. Hermione had been there herself more than once, had seen this type of guilt wrack through her friends. Had watched guilt of people dying for something that was out of their control practically consume Harry. She knew how to deal with this.

"I'll go," Hermione said, standing up and smoothing down the front of her trousers.

"If he won't let James or Remus in…" Lily said, her head shaking a bit as her mouth twisted down into a frown.

"Sirius is blaming himself," Hermione said.

"It's not his fault." Remus replied.

"I know that, we all know that, but he doesn't. Let me talk to him," she insisted. "I know this type of guilt. I've felt this type of guilt."

Remus looked up from his spot on the sofa and nodded, "Okay."

"Be careful," Lily said. "He hexed James this morning."

Sirius' flat was on the eighth floor of a tall building in a shady part of Muggle London. The building looked as if it were one bad windstorm away from being condemned and smelled as if it already were. The mildewed carpet in the lobby assaulted her senses as she and Remus took the stairs up flight after flight of steps, finally pushing open the door leading to the eighth floor. James was sat on the floor about halfway down the hall, his back to the wall, his knees drawn up to his chest.

"Going that well?" Remus asked.

James looked up, eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep as he braced against the wall, using it to push himself up from the dirty, worn carpet, "He's not going to let you in, Moony."

"I don't want to go in," Remus said. "Hermione thinks she can get him to open the door."

"No offense," James said, looking at Hermione. "But if Moony and I can't get Pads to open the door…"

"Go home," Hermione said. "Let me try. If he doesn't let me in, I'll be home in a few minutes. I won't sit here all day and talk to him through a door."

James huffed a breath and nodded, "All right. Good luck," he headed toward the stairwell, stopping just before the door to look over his shoulder. "The doorknob will burn you. Don't touch it."

Remus leaned down and placed his lips against her cheek, "Good luck."

"I'll be back soon," Hermione assured him.

He gave a sharp nod and stepped away, following James into the stairwell. Once the door closed, Hermione heard two soft pop sounds and she turned to face the door leading to Sirius' flat. She squared her shoulders and lifted her wand, checking over her shoulder to make sure no one was in the hall before she said a few spells to, at the very least, get rid of the burning door. When she was sure she wouldn't blister her fingers from knocking, Hermione rapped her knuckles against the flimsy, beaten wood.

"Fuck off, Prongs."

"Lucky for you, James and Remus both left. Just me to fuck off, now." Hermione said.

She heard a thud on the other side of the door and a quiet groan. "What do you want, Hermione?"

"I want to be at home in bed wrapped around an extremely tall and handsome werewolf, but instead, I'm here. Open up, would you? It smells like rotting wood out here."

"Doesn't smell much better in here," Sirius mumbled through the door.

"I don't doubt that, but in there I can open a window and air the place out."

Another thud against the door and silence that lasted several minutes.

"I'm not going to sit out here and beg for you to let me in. If you don't want company that's fine, but you're being awfully dramatic about it. I had to heal burns on Remus' hands the last two days, and while I quite like you, I like Remus' hands more. I will be very upset if they quit working because you've decided to have a tizzy."

"I really don't need to hear the things Moony does with his hands, kitten."

Hermione smirked, "I can start listing them off for you, I'll even cast a sonorous, make sure you can't escape the level of detail that I promise you I am capable of going into."

A few seconds of silence and then she heard the locks give, the door cracked open and Sirius' face appeared, a smirk on his lips. "I know for a fact that you blush when it comes to talking about your shags."

"Are you going to make me stand out here much longer?" Hermione said, folding her arms over her chest and tapping her foot impatiently.

Sirius rolled his eyes and stepped back from the door, opening it wider so she could enter. When the door snapped shut behind her, Hermione's eyes fell on the room. It was small, no bigger than her living room. And it was a complete mess. There was a futon that was pushed against the wall, a lumpy mattress that didn't have sheets with a tangled blanket piled in the middle. There were several bottles scattered about, Firewhiskey and Butterbeer amongst other bottles with names Hermione didn't recognize, she assumed they were muggle liquors. There was a box on the small desk of takeaway open and looked as if it was days old. Rubbish covered the floor along with scattered items of clothing and broken quills, bits of torn parchment and muggle magazines.

"Hippogriff pens are cleaner than this flat, Sirius." Hermione said, her nose wrinkled up in disgust as she stepped in something that looked like it might be an old slice of pizza.

"I told you it didn't smell better in here."

Hermione pulled her bag from her hip, digging through it to find a phial of pink liquid. She handed him the small glass tube, "Take this."

"I don't need it," Sirius said.

"The bloodshot of your eyes and slur in your speech tells me that you do, take the damn potion or I'll force it down your throat," Hermione threatened, scowling at him as he rolled his eyes.

Once she heard the pop! Of the stopper, Hermione began waving her wand, cleaning the small flat and vanishing all the rubbish. She whispered an air freshening charm and opened the one window, letting in some fresh air.

"You make a hell of a sober-up," Sirius said, running his hand over his face. "Usually I get a headache after."

"I put a few drops of pain relief in it," Hermione said, taking a seat on the newly cleaned and made futon. "Now, would you like to tell me why you've been completely sozzled for two and half days?"

"I haven't."

"Judging by all the bottles I just vanished, you have."

Sirius huffed and scrubbed his face with his hands, "I got them killed! Me! I asked them to go out there and-

"No."

"No? What do you mean no?"

"You're wrong," Hermione said, crossing her legs at the knee and placing her clasped hands on top of them. "Fabian and Gideon volunteered to go, after concern was raised for the safety of someone else. You did not kill them, Sirius. Whoever casted those curses are the ones responsible for their deaths."

"You talk like it's a fucking business transaction! You have no idea!"

"Don't I?" Hermione said, arching an eyebrow at him. "You haven't the slightest idea the things I have seen, the things I have been through. I have watched many of my friends die, Sirius. Often with my hands trying to save them. This is not the first time I have had to swallow my pride and realize that there was nothing I could do."

"You're a healer! You're supposed to heal!"

"Gideon was already dead when Fabian brought him to the house. Fabian's insides were disintegrating. I can heal a fair few of ailments; I have regrown bones, I have mended severed spines, I have healed arterial wounds. If I had a way to save him, I would have. The Death Eaters are using curses that are meant to make sure we suffer a horrible, terrifying, and painful death. There are no counter curses for them, but there are antidotes."

"What are you talking about?"

Hermione swallowed, feeling her wrist burn in warning. "I can't... I can't tell you exactly," she said. "But the journal that you found back in December, that I record everything in… That isn't the only journal I have." Hermione stared at him, eyebrows raised as she waited for him to catch on.

"Not the only… You know what these curses are! The journal, where is it Hermione?"

"In my medical bag."

"You got him to leave?" Lily said, her face shocked when Sirius and Hermione walked through the front door of Lily and James' cottage. "And why do you have your medical bag? Are you hurt, Sirius?!"

"No, I'm fine." Sirius promised, "Hermione has something she wants to tell us, but she can't. So she's going to show us."

"How does that work?" James asked, "You can't tell us, but you can show us?"

"If you were to be looking in my bag and stumble upon something you shouldn't… Then, yes."

A mischievous smile spread across James' face and he nodded in understanding, walking over to the table to stand next to Sirius. Remus was already sitting at the table, in his usual spot, a plate of fudge brownies in front of him. Lily sat on the end of the table, staring at the brownies in disdain.

"I've found it!" Sirius said, closing the bag and shoving it off to the side.

"What is it?" Lily asked.

"Open it," Remus said.

Hermione crossed the room and sat next to Remus, giving a small peck to his cheek before stealing a brownie from his plate. He glared at her before smirking, turning his attention back to James and Sirius who shared a look before opening the journal and flipping through the pages. Gasps of shock and incredulity came past their lips with every page they turned, James looked as if he were going to be sick. Sirius looked angry.

"You kept track of the curses?" James asked, his dark brows pulled together in confusion as he looked up from the pages.

Hermione shook her head, "The same person who gave me the amulet to bring me back here, gave me this journal. We found it with a slew of dark artifacts and texts. This is a playbook of the curses they have been using, complete with antidotal potions. Well, almost complete."

"Almost? What do you mean almost?" Lily asked, pulling the journal from under James' finger tips to get a better look.

"Hermione thought the Dementor Curse had an antidote," Remus said, taking a sip of his coffee and patting a napkin to his lips. "When she looked closer to the page-

"It's been crossed out," Lily whispered, her fingers ghosting over the page as her expression drooped into sadness.

"Yeah," Hermione said, biting her lip and bobbing her head. "It's been crossed out. And I didn't realize it before now. I had thought it was just a mistake, a drag of ink across the page due to a fast moving hand but…"

"I recognize this handwriting," Lily said, her eyes lifting from the page to meet Hermione's. "Hermione, I know this handwriting."

Hermione inhaled slowly through her nose, closing her eyes as she nodded again, "I'm certain you do."

"No," Lily said. "No! He wouldn't… He wouldn't do something like this! I knew he had gotten in with the wrong sort at Hogwarts but this… He wouldn't."

"Who? What are you-

"Hermione, tell me I'm wrong." Lily begged, her eyes filling with tears. "Tell me I'm wrong!"

"I'm sorry, Lily. I can't."

Lily clenched her jaw, closing her eyes as tears spilled over her cheeks. She shoved the journal away from her, jumping up from her seat and stalking off down the hall. James looked at Hermione, confused and upset before he turned around, following after Lily.

"What is she talking about?" Sirius asked, picking up the journal.

"Look at the corner of the pages," Hermione whispered.

She watched as Sirius' eyes fell to the bottom of the page, his breath seemed to catch in his throat before his fist came down on the table. "That greasy fucking bastard!" Sirius shouted, throwing the journal with such force it skid across the table and slammed into the wall. Sirius stormed off and Hermione assumed he was going to talk to Lily and James.

Remus sat still next to her, dusting his fingers off as he finished the last of his brownie. "That went well."

Hermione blew out a humorless laugh, "Yeah. Splendid."

"I assume that reaction was the realization that it's Snape's initials in the corner of the pages?"

"You knew?"

Remus nodded, "I noticed when you showed me the journal. Didn't realize you knew who he was though, so erm… It didn't seem important to point out at the time."

Hermione sighed, running a hand over her face. She leaned into Remus, resting her head on his shoulder, "I'm glad you all know about the journal though. Maybe we can figure out how to brew some of these antidotes…"

"Between you and Lily, I imagine you'll figure it out. Sirius is fairly talented at potions as well," Remus said.

"Do you think Tom at the chip shop might be able to get some of the more exotic ingredients?" Hermione asked.

Remus shrugged, "I'm sure he'll try if we ask him."

Hermione nodded, closing her eyes for a minute as she breathed in Remus' scent. He always smelled of chocolate, probably because he ate so much of it. And the cologne he wore was woodsy and spiced, but the closer it got to the full moon, the more his natural scent changed. It wasn't a bad change, in fact, Hermione quite liked the way he smelled of the earth this close to the moon.

Remus shifted and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, his cheek on top of her head. He hummed a few bars of Blackbird quietly as they sat. Despite the absolute chaos her emotions had gone through in the last three days, sitting here with Remus as he hummed her favorite song into her ear, she felt grounded. Like even though there was a war progressing around them, things would turn out to be okay.

Truthfully, Hermione knew it was a farce, the fleeting feelings of serenity weren't meant to last. And that no matter how badly she wanted to stay here, with her head on Remus' shoulder, for the rest of her life, she would be forced to go back to her own time. She had made a Vow to Draco that she would return on or before Halloween of 1981. But even still, she could find some comfort in the smell of Remus and the ways his arms felt wrapped around her.

"I thought you hated that song," Hermione said.

"It's your favorite," Remus replied. "And I don't hate it. I just didn't see the beauty in it properly."

"I couldn't save Fabian," Hermione whispered, the weight of the Prewett brother's death still heavy on her mind. She had been able to convince Sirius it wasn't his fault; at least enough to get him to leave his flat. And she knew that the fault was not hers, that she had not cast the curse that killed him. But watching someone die while you fail to save them was never something easy, no matter how many times she had seen it happen.

"I know, love."

"So many people are going to die, Remus." Hermione said, pulling her head from his shoulder, "And there isn't anything I can do about any of it. I can't save them. Even if I wanted to save them, I can't."

Remus turned in his chair so that his knees were brushing against hers, he leaned forward, resting one hand on the side of her neck, his thumb rubbing light strokes against her jaw, "Not everyone is meant to be saved. It's hard to swallow, but we all have to die eventually."

"It's the how they're dying that bothers me," Hermione explained. "No one should be able to live forever, I know that. But these curses… Remus, he was boiling alive. His organs were disintegrating! I don't understand the need for curses that are so barbaric."

"They're sending us a message," he said. "That they're playing dirty. The time for disarming and stunning has passed. We need to be playing just as foul as they are, if we want to win this."

"If we play just as cheap as they do, what differentiates us from them?" Hermione asked.

"This is war, Hermione, and we'll be saving lives. They're just taking them."

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a/n: Hey! Sorry this one is so late in the day (or early, I guess. Depending on where you're at) but I had plans this weekend that left me away from my laptop overnight and I hate updating from my phone!

Anyway, here it is! Please leave a review! Keep hitting those faves/follow button! They make me so ecstatic every time I see it and I honestly can't thank you guys enough!

xo

mimi