Chapter 14: Whiskey on her breath
This chapter was inspired by the song Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss.
After breaking up with Liam, Rayna got worse and worse. She was feeling that she was never going to be happy again and the only thing that could numb that pain and her everlasting guilt was whiskey. She started drinking regularly. At first, she would drink one or two glasses every night, but after a couple of weeks, that wasn't enough anymore. She soon needed a glass of whiskey to get going in the morning and a couple more to make it through the day. She was hiding the fact that she was drinking, because she knew that her family wouldn't approve of her drinking habits, but she kept telling herself that she didn't have a drinking problem, as it was her choice to drink. She couldn't or rather didn't want to see that she had started to follow the same dangerous road that Deacon had been on.
Three months later
Rayna was sitting in her dressing room at the Opry. She was nervous. She could feel her heart beating like a drum and she was feeling sick. She had always been nervous before going on stage, but this time, it was a different kind of nervous. She grabbed the bottle of water that was standing on the make-up table in front of her and tried to open it, but her hands were shaking badly.
"You're addicted," a voice in her head said.
She looked at herself in the mirror shaking her head and tears started welling up in her eyes. There was a knock at the door.
"Ray? It's Bucky, can I come in?"
Rayna wanted to answer but no sound was coming out of her mouth. She cleared her throat.
"Sure, come in."
Bucky stepped inside and closed the door.
"Ray, are you ok? You look terrified!" he said with a concerned look on his face.
"I'm just really nervous. I haven't been on stage for quite some time."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
She shook her head.
"You're gonna do great, Ray, as always! No need to worry. After all, you are the one and only Rayna Jaymes."
She smiled faintly. "Thank you, Bucky."
"You have about 30 minutes left. Try to relax a bit, ok?"
Rayna nodded.
"Do you want me to stay here with you?"
"That's very sweet, but I think I need to be on my own for a couple of minutes."
"Sure! I'll get you about ten minutes before you have to go on stage, ok?"
"Thanks!"
Bucky left the dressing room and so Rayna was alone with her demons again.
"You know that you need it!" the voice in her head said.
She shook her head. "I promised myself never to drink before a show," she thought, "once you start doing that, there's no going back….I just need to focus, that's all."
But she wasn't able to focus. There was just one big thought in her head. With shaking hands, she took the bottle of Whiskey out of her handbag, unscrewed it, and started drinking. She felt terrible for giving in, but she had actually known that she would. Otherwise she wouldn't have brought the bottle with her in the first place.
She had only had a small salad for lunch and so the Whiskey kicked in pretty quickly.
A couple of minutes later, Bucky came back.
"Ray? It's time to go. Are you ready?"
"Sure, never been more ready," Rayna giggled.
"Rayna? Are…are you drunk?"
"Noooo, I'm just so excited to go back on stage….and maybe just a teeny-tiny bit tipsy."
"I'm gonna tell them you're not feeling well."
"That's right, I'm not feeling well, I'm feeling amazing! So let's finally go!" She stumbled towards the door.
"Rayna, I can't let you go on stage like that."
"Ahahahaha you're funny! Always joking around." She squeezed his cheek. "That's why I love you, Bucky."
He grabbed her arm. "Come on, Ray, sit down right here and wait for me to tell them that you're sick. I'll be right back and I'll take you home."
"I'm not going home! I'm going on stage!"
"Rayna, please."
"Let go of me! I'm not a child. I won't let my fans wait any longer!"
Bucky held on to her. "I can't let you go like that, Rayna, please."
"Let go!" She pushed him away, causing him to fall, and stormed out of the dressing room.
She stumbled across the hallway towards the stage door, where the crew was already waiting for her.
"Rayna, are you ok?" the sound engineer asked.
"Never been better!"
Bucky was running towards them. "She's not going out there. She's not feeling well."
"Hell yeah, I'm going!"
"Rayna, I think Bucky's right, you shouldn't go on stage like that."
Bucky tried to grab Rayna's arm, but she freed herself. She glared at Bucky: "Listen to me, I am going on that stage tonight, and there's nothing you can do to stop me, ok?"
Bucky sighed shaking his head.
Rayna turned to the sound engineer. "And you are gonna get me ready right now or you're fired! I mean it!"
The sound engineer nodded and did as he was told and a few seconds later, Rayna stumbled onto the stage.
Bucky sighed. "Please God, I need a miracle….please make her get through this show somehow."
"Wooohooooooo! I'm so excited to be here with you tonight!" Rayna screamed and the audience cheered. Rayna looked at the set list on the floor. Her vision was blurred, but she managed to make out that the first song was "Bitter Memory".
She turned to her band. "Let's get started, guys!"
The audience cheered again and the band started playing. Rayna started jumping around like crazy and head banging. She missed her entry. The band played the last two measures again, but she missed it once more. The band and the crowd started getting nervous. The band tried again and to everybody's relief, Rayna started singing. She was half a measure early and a little off-key, but the band managed to catch up with her.
During the second half of the song, she forgot the words. "Find a new place to call home….lalalalalala…sorry, the words are gone….bitter memory!"
The next two songs didn't go any better. She was constantly off-key and off-measure and the audience started getting uneasy. The fourth song, "Already Gone" didn't go any better either and most people in the audience started getting angry. Some of them were booing, some of them were chanting "Go home! Go home! Go home!"
At first, Rayna tried to keep going, but the calls and boos from the audience were getting louder and louder. Rayna looked into the audience and saw lots of angry faces staring back at her. Tears started welling up in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered into the microphone. The spotlights were blinding her and everything seemed blurry. Rayna's heart was pounding, she heard all of the noises as if they were coming from far away, and everything started turning. She couldn't keep her balance any longer and sank to her knees, sobbing heavily. Bucky rushed onto the stage, helped her get to her feet, and led her off the stage, down the hallway and into her dressing room. To Rayna it felt as if all of that was happening in slow motion.
"I'm sorry, Bucky," she whispered ashamedly. "I've never messed up so badly."
"Don't worry, Ray, it's gonna be fine. Everybody knows that you're having a hard time. Just try and take care of yourself, Honey, ok? Everything is gonna be alright." He hugged her tightly.
Two months later
Daphne was lying awake in her bed, staring at the ceiling. She was too nervous to sleep. On the next day, she was going to perform alone for the first time, at her school's talent show. But that wasn't the only thing that she was thinking about. What she was really worried about, was her mom. She had been getting worse ever since that day she had performed at the Opry completely drunk. Since Daphne and Maddie had permanently moved in with Teddy and Peggy, Daphne was visiting Rayna only every other weekend. Maddie wasn't anymore.
At first, Daphne had told herself that everything would go back to normal after some time, that Rayna would get better, that Maddie would forgive her and that they would move back in with her, but now she knew that this wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Instead of getting better, Rayna had been getting worse.
"At first, she managed to stay sober at least when I was staying with her," Daphne thought. "And now…she thinks that she can hide the smell of alcohol on her breath with the gum she's been chewing constantly, but she can't. I just hope that Dad and Maddie don't find out, that she's drinking all the time. They wouldn't let me visit her anymore. But I need her, she's my mom. I just hope that she'll stop. I wish I could help her, but I don't know what to do. If I tell anybody, she'll get in trouble and they won't let me see her anymore. And if I talk to her about it, I'm afraid that I'll make her feel even worse. I just hope that she's not drunk tomorrow…if she comes. But she promised that she would. I know that Maddie doesn't want to see her, but I really hope that she comes. I want her to hear me sing and to be proud of me. I just hope she doesn't drink. But she will. I hope she doesn't drink so much that people notice. Especially Dad and Maddie. But she's good at hiding it. If it wasn't for the smell of alcohol on her breath, I wouldn't know that she's drinking. And I'm the only one who hugs and kisses her, so the others won't smell it. It's just a very faint smell and I only smell it when I'm really close to her. The others won't notice. Hopefully."
Rayna's phone buzzed. She woke up from her "nap" that had lasted more than three hours. Drowsily, she reached for her phone and unlocked it. It was a message from Teddy.
"Are you coming tonight?"
She checked the time on her phone. It was 18:28 and the talent show started at 7 p.m.
"Shoot!" she called out and jumped out of the bed. She rushed into the bathroom, typing "Sure" into her phone.
She looked at herself in the mirror. She was a mess: she had dark circles under her eyes and her hair was disheveled. "Nothing that I can't fix with a curling wand and a ton of makeup," she thought. She took the curling wand out of the drawer and struggled plugging it in, because her hands were shaking badly. "And some whiskey."
She rushed back into the bedroom and took a half empty bottle of whiskey out of the drawer of her night stand. She unscrewed the bottle and chugged down nearly all of the whiskey that was still in it. When she came back into the bathroom, the curling wand had already heated up. Rayna quickly brushed her hair and started curling it.
When she was done, she checked her phone. It was 18:43.
"Shoot," she said. "And the mother of the year award goes to…some lady, but certainly not to you, Rayna Jaymes!"
She sprayed hairspray all over her curls, rushed through her bedroom and into her walk-in closet and started browsing through her huge collection of dresses. She took out a black faux leather dress with a V-neck. She took off the baggy olive green t-shirt that she was wearing and put on a black lace bra. After taking off her grey joggers and putting on the dress, she rushed back into the bathroom and checked her phone. It was 18:50.
She quickly applied foundation, covered the dark circles under her eyes with some concealer, applied some peach colored blusher and matching lipstick, silver eye shadow and some mascara. She grabbed her phone and checked it again. It was 19:02 and there was a new message from Teddy.
"Where are you?"
She typed "I'm gonna be a little late, but I'm already on my way!" and sent it.
She rushed back into her bedroom and threw her phone into her black Louis Vuitton bag that was standing on the floor next to the bed. Then she went back into her walk-in closet, grabbed a light grey suede jacket and suede cowboy boots of the same color. She rushed to her bed, sat down and put on the boots and the jacket. Then, she grabbed her bag and rushed to the garage.
Two minutes later, she pulled out of the driveway in her black SUV. When she arrived at the school's parking lot, it was 19:27. She picked up her bag from the passenger seat and got out of the car. Running towards the entrance, she fumbled around in her bag, took out a pack of chewing gum, grabbed two pieces, and started chewing. She walked through the big school door and ran down the long hallway towards the assembly hall. She opened the door as silently as she could and squeezed in. When she wanted to close the door, her hand slipped off the handle and the door clicked shut loudly. Most of the audience turned around and looked at Rayna, while the chubby blonde girl with the pink sequin dress that was belting her lungs out, performing "I Will always love you", started singing, or rather screaming, even louder than before. Even the woman that was standing in the isle, filming the girl with her cell phone, turned around and looked at Rayna as if she had committed a crime. The woman was clearly the girl's mother, as she was equally chubby, had the same pug-like facial features and – most of all – as nobody but a mother would want to have a video of that painfully loud and off-key performance.
Rayna blushed, mouthed a quick "sorry", and took one of the last free seats. After about a minute and a half that had seemed endless to Rayna, the chubby girl finished her performance and the audience applauded. The little girl's mother shouted: "Bravo! Bravo! You're gonna be a star!"
The woman who was sitting next to Rayna, a rather skinny woman with mousy hair and kind brown eyes, smiled at Rayna and handed her the bill. Rayna smiled back and said: "Thank you".
She scanned the bill for "I Will Always Love You" and found it. It was the seventh song and apparently, the chubby girl's name was Vanity Carlisle. Rayna checked which performances she had already missed. "Damn it", she thought, when she read: Telescope – Maddie Conrad. But she felt relieved, when she realized that Daphne was going to be next after the skinny red-headed boy, named Jeffrey Kruger, who had just come on stage with his trumpet. When Rayna read what Daphne was going to sing, her eyes got watery. It was her song "The Best Songs Come From Broken Hearts". She handed the bill back to the woman with a smile.
After about three minutes, Jeffrey was finished with his performance and then it was there: Daphne's big moment. She walked out on stage looking very shy and even a bit frightened. Rayna stood up, waved at her, and sat back down. When Daphne saw her mom, her face lit up. Seconds later, the music started playing. Daphne's singing really touched Rayna, especially as she would never have expected that her daughter would sing one of her songs. At the end of the song, Daphne said "This was for my mom! I love you!"
The audience applauded and cheered, and Rayna started crying tears of commotion and happiness.
After the concert, Rayna got up immediately and rushed to the stage entrance. The chubby woman with the pug face arrived a few seconds later and some other parents followed. The first kid to come through the door was the pug-faced little girl. "You were extraordinary, sugar pie, you're gonna be a big star one day!" the pug-faced woman screeched with her annoyingly high-pitched voice.
A minute later, Daphne arrived. "Sweetie, you were amazing!" Rayna said hugging Daphne. Daphne smelled the chewing gum on Rayna's breath, but sadly also a hint of alcohol.
"I'm so glad you made it, Mom!"
"Me to, Sweetie, I…I still can't believe that you sang one of my songs! I'm so proud of you, Baby Girl, you have such a beautiful voice!"
"Thanks, Mom."
"Is Maddie still backstage?"
"Yeah, she was chatting with a couple of girls."
"I'm so sorry that I missed her performance. She'll be so mad."
"Yeah, she probably will."
"I really messed up."
"I don't want the two of you to fight again."
"I know, Sweetie."
When Maddie came through the door, about half a minute later, Rayna whispered: "Maddie, I'm so…"
"Please don't say anything", Maddie interrupted her.
"I'm so sorry."
"I know…you always are. I'll go and meet Dad in the yard now. It's nice to have at least one parent who cares about you", Maddie said walking away.
The other parents and children stared at Rayna. "Come on, Mom, let's go", Daphne whispered.
They met Teddy, Peggy and Maddie in the schoolyard.
"I know this isn't the right time and place to talk about this," Teddy said, "so I'm not gonna argue with you right now, Rayna, but I really have to tell you that you disgust me. You don't do anything the whole damn day and still manage to be late for your daughters' performance, while all of the other parents, who are mostly hard-working people, are able to make it on time!"
"I know I messed up," Rayna said looking onto the floor, "and Maddie, I just want you to know that I would have loved to see your performance."
"Well, apparently something else, whatever the hell it was, was more important to you!" Maddie shouted.
"Please you guys, stop fighting," Daphne whispered with tears welling up in her eyes.
"She's right, we'll discuss this some other time," Teddy said.
"Whatever," Maddie said, "Dad, Peggy, thank you so much for coming. It meant a lot to me that you saw me perform."
"Sure Honey, I wouldn't have missed it for anything in the world," Peggy said and Teddy nodded in agreement.
"Is it ok if I go to my friends now? They're already waiting for me," Maddie said.
"Sure Sweetie, have fun!" Teddy said.
Maddie hugged Teddy and Peggy, and started to walk away, but turned around after a few steps. "Oh and Mom, I almost forgot. Thanks for nothing!"
Maddie walked away while tears started welling up in Rayna's eyes. "Excuse me for a second, I need to go to the bathroom", she whispered fighting back tears.
Teddy and Peggy nodded.
"We'll wait for you right here, Mom," Daphne said softly.
"Thanks Honey," Rayna replied.
In the bathroom, Rayna went into the last stall and locked the door. She buried her face in her hands and started crying heavily.
"I'm the worst mother in the world," she thought, "I don't even deserve to be a mom. The girls would be so much better off without me."
Suddenly, a wave of panic overcame her. It felt as if the room was spinning and she had trouble breathing. Steadying herself against the wall, she put down the toilet lid and sat down. Panting heavily, she opened her purse, took out three tiny bottles of whiskey and placed them in her lap. With shaking hands, she opened and chugged down one after the other. Then, she put two pieces of gum into her mouth and started chewing. "Come on now, Rayna Jaymes, get a grip," she thought. She took a couple of deep breaths and wiped away her tears. Then, she got up, got out of the stall, and looked at herself in the mirror. She wiped away the smudged mascara under her eyes and put some powder onto her nose to cover the redness. Her eyes were red, but they didn't look too bad.
Rayna went back into the schoolyard and as she walked towards Daphne, Teddy and Peggy, Daphne immediately noticed that Rayna was chewing gum. She knew what that meant. "Please don't let anyone notice it," she thought.
"I'm sorry it took so long, there was a huge line," Rayna lied. "You know how it is at the girl's bathroom", she giggled looking first at Daphne and then at Peggy. They both nodded.
"Mom? Dad? Can I go over to my friends now?" Daphne asked.
"Sure, sweet girl," Rayna said.
"Of course, have fun," Teddy added.
Daphne hugged Teddy, Peggy and Rayna. She could smell the alcohol on her mom's breath. "I love you guys," she said walking away.
"We love you too, Sweetie," Rayna said.
"We love you," Teddy and Peggy added.
"Should we get a glass of wine?" Teddy asked.
"Sure," Rayna smiled and Peggy nodded.
They went to the small bar that had been put up in the schoolyard, got three glasses of wine and went to one of the party tables that had been set up around the bar. Teddy and Rayna had finished their glasses about fifteen minutes later, while Peggy's glass was still almost full.
"I'm gonna get one more," Teddy said. "Do you want another one too?" he asked Rayna.
"Yeah, I'd love to, thanks!"
A minute later, he came back with two glasses.
"Thank you," Rayna smiled.
After they had chatted for about ten more minutes, Rayna had finished her second glass, and Teddy and Peggy noticed that Rayna started to seem quite tipsy.
"Rayna, are you ok?" Teddy asked.
"Sure, why shouldn't I?" she giggled.
"You just seem a little…tipsy."
Peggy nodded.
"Pff you guys are funny, how could I get tipsy after two tiny glasses of wine?"
Rayna felt somebody tap on her shoulder and turned around. It was the woman with the pug face.
"Sorry Miss Jaymes, I just wanted to say hello, I'm Dorothy Carlisle."
"Well…hi Dorothy, I'm Rayna."
"Nice to meet you, dear! I have to admit…I was mad at you at first, because you interrupted my daughter's wonderful performance, but then I thought to myself, Dorothy, Rayna Jaymes is a very busy woman and…"
"Well, thank you for understanding."
"Of course, Dear, but, speaking of my daughter's performance, what do you think, isn't she brilliant?"
"She surely wouldn't have needed the microphone," Rayna giggled.
"I'm glad you noticed what a full voice she has!" Dorothy smiled. "Do you….do you think you could get your label to sign her? I'm sure they would be fascinated by my little star!"
Rayna burst out laughing. "I'm sorry, Dorothy, I…" she couldn't stop laughing.
"You…you….how dare you!" Dorothy yelled. "You are nothing but a drunk! I saw the videos of you at the Opry and now, I can smell it on your breath!"
"You know what? Even after a bottle of whiskey, my performance at the Opry was still way more bearable than your daughter's! I might have been off-key and off-measure, but Jesus H. Christ, poor Whitney Houston is probably still turning in her grave after your daughter's performance and my dear friend Dolly Parton would probably wish she had never written that song, if she had heard your daughter's performance."
"Rayna, that's enough!" Teddy said strictly.
"You are the most rude and ignorant person I have ever seen in my life!" Dorothy yelled at Rayna.
Everybody was looking at them, as it hadn't been possible not to hear their conversation.
"Come on, Rayna, let's go!" Teddy hissed grabbing Rayna's arm and dragging her away. "Peggy, get the girls and meet me at the parking lot."