14
Everyone's huddled in the foyer screaming and shivering in revulsion.
Jack hisses "Quiet! Shut-uuuuup!"
The screaming dribbles out. "We don't want it to get out of the living room! Give me a coat! Where's Owen? He eats these goddamn things. "
Toshiko interrupts him "Not recently, Jack. He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol."
"Thank you, Toshiko." Jack sighs then continues "I'll try and trap the thing under a coat. Alice, get me Grandpa Art's overcoat. Scout, go get the hammer."
"What do you need a hammer for?" Ianto demands.
"I'll catch it in the coat and smack it with the hammer."
Janet screams. Jenny faints.
It's silent. Nora's still out cold in the middle of the room. Estelle's still sitting on the couch. Jack and Jack Sr. tiptoe into the room. SR whispers "Nora?"
For whatever reason, Nora's playing dead. She lays perfectly still. She whispers "Is it gone?"
"Nope. Just lay still. Jack? You want to get Estelle out of here?"
"Dad, do you honestly think there's anything else the squirrel could do to her?" Jack asks.
SR. considers "That's a point."
Jack steps lightly into the room. He makes a chirping sound. There's no response. He's on full alert. Nerves tingling. "It probably got scared and ran back into the tree."
As Jack steps over Nora, she starts to slowly get up. She lifts her butt in the air, afraid to move too quickly. As Jack passes, the others can see the squirrel on his back. SR sees the squirrel and yells. "It's on your back!"
Jack screams, turns and plows into Nora, spilling her ass over tea kettle again. It's mayhem in the foyer as everyone runs in opposite directions.
Ianto and Scout burst into the kitchen.
Toshiko crashes into the dining room table.
Jack flies into the kitchen.
There's a wild scramble for the stairs. Everyone runs up. Alice runs out of the kitchen with the squirrel clinging to her head. As she the stairs, the squirrel leaps onto Jack Sr. and onto the stairs
Snots bursts through the door. Snots charges in from the kitchen, decking Art. In a spray of foam and spit, the dog tears up the stairs, barking and snarling. A beat and the people that ran upstairs plow back down.
Everyone charges into the living room.
The squirrel, followed by Snots, clambers down the stairs and runs into the kitchen.
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Todd and Margo stand on the porch. Margo demands "You march right over there and slug that prick in the face!"
"I can't just attack someone."
"If you're not man enough to put a stop to it, I am. "She marches off the porch, heading for the Harkness-Jones house.
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Jack cautiously comes back in. It's silent. Snots and the squirrel charge in from the kitchen. Jack grabs the door handle and whips the door open. Margo is standing in the door. Her eyes pop and she screams. The squirrel leaps for her face. Snots is right behind, heading for her midsection.
Jack slams the door without seeing her there "Gone!"
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The doorbell rings over at Todd and Margo's. The front door opens. Margo steps in. Her face is clawed from the squirrel, the bottom half of her outfit is torn off. Her pantyhose is shredded and hanging around her ankles. Her top is clawed open. Todd is horrified. "My God! What happened to you?"
pushes the hair out of her face. She draws back and throws a mighty punch. Todd hits the deck. Margo steps over him and heads for the stairs.
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Jack comes down the stairs in a Santa suit. Ianto and the kids follow. Toshiko is behind them. Art and Jenny are at the closet getting their coats.
"Where do you think you're going?" Jack roars.
Art and Jenny look up at Jack with alarm.
"Nobody's leaving." Jack barks "Nobody's walking out on this fun, old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We have a full-blown, four alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fuckin' Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat, white ass down the chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse"
"You're being a dick!" Art snorts.
"Don't piss me off, Art."
Ianto warns "Jack! It's over."
"Not according to Santa's watch, it's not" Jack is defiant.
SR. says gently "Son?"
"Dad? Stay out of this."
"I think its best if everybody just goes home before things get any worse." Ianto is agreeing with everyone as he tries to push Jack away from them so they can escape.
"How the hell could it get any worse? Take a look around, Ianto. We're at the threshold of hell." Jack laughs maniacally.
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The RV whips out of a long driveway and hits the street on two wheels.
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Jack Sr. is talking to Jack. "Son, I love you, we all love you. This is a terrible night, nothing's gone right, it's a disaster, but you sitting out there singing like a lunatic only makes things worse." Jack looks at him, feeling slightly foolish. "You're too good a father to act like this. In years to come, you want your children and your family ·to remember all the love you gave us and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas."
"I just ..."
"You just cocked it up. It's okay. It happens. Go upstairs and put on some fresh clothes and a happy attitude." His father advises.
"All of our holidays were always a mess. How did you get through it?" Jack asks.
"I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels."
"Good talk, Dad."
"Good talk, son."
Jack then smiles and says "Are you gonna recite 'The Night Before Christmas'?"
SR. smiles back "No. It's your house, it's your Christmas. I'm retiring.".
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The family is seated in the living room. Jack's standing at the fireplace. "The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads."
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The RV ROARS into the driveway and slams to a stop.
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Jack continues his recitation. "When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter."
The kids listen intently. Jack continues to read "I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."
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The RV door flies open.
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Jack steps from the fireplace as he physically interprets the poem. "Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. . With great flair, Jack throws open the curtains on a bay at the front of the room. "The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave luster of midday to objects below; When what to my wondering eyes should appear ... "
Jack takes a close look out the window. "But a miniature sleigh and ... .Owen, my cousin, A man with no brain And my boss in his jammies All wrapped up in chain."
The front door opens and Owen enters with Lawrence Brigadoon. His hair's mussed, his face is red with anger, a Christmas bow is tied tightly over his mouth to silence him. He's in his pyjamas and slippers, bound wrist and ankle in dog chain. He mumbles and grumbles with rage.
The family is gathered in the doorway in stunned silence.
With a big, proud grin Owen crows "Merry Christmas, Jack."