A/N: Thank you all for the reviews! I sometimes also give into my inner snape tendencies and not entirely sure that's a bad thing :P I can't wait to hear what you all think of this one too ;)
Severus was enjoying a nice, hot, cup of tea, and to his surprise, not feeling any temptation whatsoever of drinking anything besides that. Though he had feared that indulging into the mulled wine would weaken his willpower, somehow being able to take it in a context that didn't imply self loathing and depressive thoughts had actually faded the spell that alcohol was holding over him as of lately.
It also helped that he was in an unusual good mood. Contrary to what this morning's episode would suggest, his neck felt completely fine and he was not in any other pain. In fact, he felt invigorated and hopeful about the future, though he couldn't understand why. Nothing had really changed since this morning, had it?
The visit to Hogsmeade had paid little to none useful information about his situation. Granted, even he had to admit that the old hag's story bore a significant resemblance to the one Hermione had claimed to witness on the mermaid cave, but that's as far as the lead went. And even if he accepted that it had indeed been the same story, it still didn't explain anything about the mysterious invisible patronus or the man's resurrection. How was that supposed to be the "big breakthrough" Hermione had called it?
But for some reason, he wasn't as dissapointed as he should have been. Even if the whole interaction with Aberforth had been a hell of a nightmare, of course, truth was… he had enjoyed himself, before the older Dumbledore brother had shown up.
Being with Hermione, with nothing else to do but wait in each other's company, had proven to be much more interesting that actually digging into that old witch's past. He had even found himself opening up to her more than he had done with anyone else since Lily… and, whereas his friend usually teased him in a friendly way about his obsession with books, suggesting that he socialized a little more, joining some of her other friends or trying to befriend some of the muggle kids in his neighborhood (hah.) … Hermione had understood. And it had felt so good.
So much, that he was actually willing to wait for her even though the next step of his research was pretty clear already. But he wanted her to be there. He wanted to have an excuse to share some more time, and he couldn't miss this precious opportunity, for once the mystery was solved…
Once the mystery was solved, there would be no more steps to take. If he truly managed to decipher the kind of magic that had brought him back, he would be able to undo it, as it had been his plan all along. Except now… now there was this stupid, naive, yet persistent part of him that didn't like that idea anymore. That was daring to imagine a different possibility… He discarded those thoughts, the bubble of joy that he had brought from the village quickly deflating inside his chest, at the same time that a sting of pain pulsated once in his neck, as if warning him.
Snape's eyes widened wild with sudden understanding. The sip of tea he was drinking seemed to get stuck on his throat as his heat skipped a beat. But before he could fully grasp the important realization he had just arrived to, he heard a knock on his door. He looked at the clock on the wall. It was nearly midnight.
Snape scorned at himself while walking towards the door. His heart was acquiring the nasty habit of starting to bounce at that sound, given that lately, three out of four times he would find Miss Granger waiting in the hallway. Would this be the case again? It was too late for her to be visiting him, but again… it was too late for anyone else to be visiting him either.
"I didn't wake you, did I?" Hermione asked with an apologetic smile.
"You didn't." Snape said calmly, trying to conceal the sudden excitement that was taking over him.
"Can I come in, Sir?" she asked with a hopeful look.
Snape was about to comment on the inappropriate hour, but he realized it would be way too hypocritical of him given the immense urge he had of being near her again. So he merely stepped aside, granting her permission.
"I take it the reunion went well." he said instead, going towards the coffee table to offer her a cup of tea.
"What?" Hermione seemed confused for a second. "Oh. Yes. Well… you could say so." she nodded with a smile, as she took the cup he was offering.
Snape nodded slowly, though secretly feeling a surge of fear. What if she had reconciled with Weasley? Though he found impossible to believe that she would really be interested in such a mediocre, childish person… she had in fact implied that there was something going on between them when he asked her about Krum. And as moronic as he found both of those people, at least they were her age and somewhat attractive, right? His stomach began to shrink with a nasty feeling.
"I brought you something." Hermione said, visibly impatient to share her surprise.
Snape arched an eyebrow, and he watched her digging into her jacket pocket and taking out a small purple purse, that she handed him with an enigmatic smile.
"Hmm." Snape grabbed the purse carefully. It was worn out, some of the beads had fallen off. "I appreciate the sentiment, but it's not really my style." he fought to contain the dripping sarcasm from his voice.
"Oh… really?" Hermione's smile vanished, replaced by a disappointed pout. "I thought you'd like it… You see, it was really meaningful to me and..." her voice trembled.
Snape felt a huge knot of culpability on his throat. "Well, I guess… I guess I can find some use for it… maybe to store some… what's going on?" he asked, perplexed, as Hermione's expression transformed into one of intense amusement.
"Oh God." she said, bursting out laughing. "The purse is not the gift, you silly! It's what's inside!" she explained, still laughing.
Snape stared at her unable to believe his eyes, and for a split second he felt humiliated and furious, but then, for the second time that day, an unexpected warmth spread across his chest, causing him to laugh along.
"And they call me cruel." he said, throwing her an accusatory look, that Hermione accepted with a graceful bow.
She couldn't believe that she had made Severus Snape laugh twice on the same day. She didn't remember ever seeing him laugh before! And she had even gotten away with calling him "silly" without retaliation... It appeared that the man was finally willing to relax around her. As much as she tried to keep the leash around her heart in place, it bounced wild with possibilities. She looked at him warmly as his laughter faded, replaced by the curiosity of looking inside the little purse.
Then, the curiosity was replaced by confusion. Which in turn, was replaced by sudden anger.
"You swore." he said, with a betrayed expression.
"What?" Hermione replied, puzzled.
"You swore you wouldn't go recklessly on your own. That you wouldn't do anything stupid. That I could trust you." his tone was rapidly increasing, as the blood rushed to the veins in his forehead.
"I was extremely careful!" Hermione protested quickly. "I had Harry's invisibility cloak! And I cast protective spells the second I got there!" she rushed to inform him.
"I don't care!" Severus snapped, getting up from the couch so abruptly that the purse fell from his lap, spilling a whole row of books. He looked at them, bewildered. "What the hell?"
"Undetectable extension charm, Sir." Hermione pointed out, offended "You wouldn't think I went all the way back there just to get one book, did you?"
Snape looked at her with his mouth still open with surprise. He slowly kneeled to the floor and picked up the books, opening the purse even more and taking a deeper look inside. "Did you take all of them?" he asked with incredulity, forgetting all about his anger for a moment.
"Not all." Hermione shook her head, kneeling beside him to help him pick up the fallen books. "I assumed you would only want your mother's…" she explained with a sympathetic glance.
"Did you check every book in the room to know which ones to take?" he asked, even more astonished.
"I didn't need to." Hermione said, getting up with an enigmatic smile. Then, she took out her wand and cast the word search spell she had invented for her work at the library. The thin, golden thread resembling a tiny snake flew out the tip of her wand, entering the cover of the nearest book and emitting a bright glow from the inside. Snape opened the book and found the magical golden thread forming a circle around his mother's name.
"What is that? I've never seen it before." he asked, intrigued.
"You couldn't possibly have. It's a spell I created recently. I find it quite useful." Hermione said, unable to hide her pride.
Snape stared at her, fascinated. So as it turned out, there was yet another similarity they shared. They were both already creating spells during their student years, something that most wizards never did, not even after years of experience. It wasn't that surprising anymore, but it was deeply comforting. So much that it almost made him forget about the fact that she had just risked her life again. Almost.
"This still doesn't justify your recklessness." he remarked, his expression getting darker again. "Did you at least tell your friends where you were going?" he asked, trying to decide what option he hated less; that she had been there alone or that Potter might have stomped all around his childhood house.
"I did." Hermione said convincingly.
"No, you didn't." Snape pointed out, almost bored at the easiness with which he could detect her lies by now.
"No, I didn't. But only because I knew it was safe!" she responded, exasperated. "Why can't you trust me when I say that?"
"How can I trust someone that keeps lying to me?" Snape replied, visibly upset.
"Well, I'm here without a single scratch, aren't I?" Hermione crossed her arms, also irritated. "And honestly, a thank you would be nice." she added, lowering her gaze with a mixture of embarrassment and hurt.
She heard Snape sighing and putting the book back on the coffee table, walking towards her.
"I told you. These books weren't worth that much."
"Great." she snapped, shaking her head and walking towards the door.
"Wait, Hermione." he stopped her, and though his grip on her arm was very gentle this time, the use of her first name froze her right in her spot. "You are not understanding." he lowered his tone, softly pulling from her arm to make her turn towards him.
She obeyed, her heart beating wildly inside her chest, with anger and expectation.
"The books weren't worth the risk. The same that the mermaid story wasn't worth the risk. Nothing is worth that risk. Do you understand?" he asked, staring deeply into her hazel eyes. His voice was hoarse and Hermione realized once again that he was afraid.
"I do." she conceded, her expression softening. "But can you understand… that it was worth it to me? To be able to do something, even if it's stupid, to fix the damage I caused? To bring you something that would make your new life a little better? Given that I was the one to find you dead and then… what if it was my fault somehow? That you came back? I know you didn't want to." her voice was trembling with emotion, her eyes flooding with regret and sorrow.
Snape raised his thumb to wipe away the first tear before it even had time to fully fall. "You didn't need the books for that." he murmured.
Hermione felt a wave of emotion both warm and cold at his statement. Warmth at the implication that she was already making his life a little better… And cold at the silent confirmation that still, despite everything, he didn't wish to have returned. She wasn't enough and she would never be.
"I should go." she said, gently releasing her arm from his hand. If she had felt rejected before, with Ronald, it was nothing in comparison to the empty hole she was feeling now right in the middle of her chest, threatening to swallow her alive. She didn't know how much longer she had until she lost control of her emotions, and she didn't want to cause a scene in front of him. Clearly, he only cared to some extent… and that's all he would ever feel.
Snape stood silent behind her as she walked to the entrance once more. But then, his hand came out of the blue over her shoulder, closing the door in front of her before she could walk through it. She turned around, startled.
"No, you're not leaving." he informed her, very matter-of-factly.
"What do you mea…?" she began to ask, but then Snape leaned forward and kissed her.
His lips enfolded her own with abrupt fierceness, as his hand protected the back of her head right before his step forward pressed her against the door. Hermione felt the wood on her back and Snape's firm body trapping her in between. And then, she lost it.
Her lips responded avidly, as fire spread through her veins quicker than it would through a golden dry field in the summer. Her body finally set free from the thousand limitations she had promised to respect, allowing her raw instincts to take control. Her left hand clasped a fold of his black tunic over his chest, and she pulled from him to get him even closer, while her right hand went up to his head, her fingers tracing trails on his scalp, among the black strands of hair. Her mind was screaming, bombing her with questions. What are you doing? What is he doing? What is going on!? But none of them mattered. For once, she didn't need the answers to understand. Her heart was telling her all she needed to know, and it was done with the damn waiting.
Severus felt as if he was about to pass out again, but this time of pure ecstasy. He had no clue of where this mad impulse had come from, but it had overpowered him instantly. When he had leaned to kiss her, a huge part of him had expected to be pushed away, to be called a pervert or something worse, to be mocked and humiliated… and yet, Hermione kissing him back felt like the most natural thing in the world. So much that after a few seconds, he pondered how they could have spent their entire lives without it. It was the first time he truly kissed anyone, and though he had no clue what he was doing, he could tell this was something else, something beyond a regular kiss. The limits of his own being were starting to get blurry as she repeatedly pulled him closer, eager to feel each single inch of his body against her. As impossible as it seemed, she wanted him too! - he realized, mesmerized.
He noticed how his body was quickly responding to that, hardening in a painful, yet wonderful way.
After years of self control, his iron restraint was melting away, and he couldn't get enough. He cupped her face in his hands, stopping for a second to catch his breath and look at her.
Her eyes opened, as if suddenly remembering where she was, though the intensity of her gaze screamed begging for him to continue.
But seeing her like that, still tasting her flavor on his lips, Severus was completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by the profundity of his own feelings.
"Is something wrong?" Hermione whispered, still catching her breath. "Are you in pain?" she asked worried, noticing that she had lowered her hand from his hair to his neck and was sinking her nails on the flesh right above his scar. She retired it immediately, biting her lower lip in a concerned gesture that almost sent him over the edge.
He stopped himself from telling her that he wasn't in any kind of pain. That, in fact, he had just figured out before she showed up that night, that whenever she was close, or even present in his thoughts, the pain faded… He didn't want to scare her away so soon, placing such responsibility over her shoulders.
"It's alright." he murmured, softly shaking his head. Hermione looked at him, expectant. He hesitated for a second. He knew that he had just a tiny trace of self control left… and that if he kissed her again, he would lose it for good. That's not how he wanted to do things. With a mixture of embarrassment and amusement, he remembered his thoughts by the lake the night before… Turned out he hadn't been so deranged after all. He hadn't planned for this, of course, and he still wasn't sure if it had been the proper way to do it. It was very unlike him, who was used to measuring every movement with exact precision and utmost care... though truth be told, she didn't seem to be bothered by it at all. But now he had a pause for clarity, he wanted to seize the opportunity to consider his next move. She was too precious to him to rush into more like a desperate wild animal – as much as he was feeling like one at the moment. This miraculous connection was way too intense, as the most potent potions, which needed to be dosed drop by drop. "I just think we both need to catch up on our sleep." he said at last, against his deepest desires.
"You mean..." Hermione hesitated, unsure if she was interpreting his sentence properly.
"Separately." Snape pointed out, arching an eyebrow in an amused gesture.
"Right. Yes. That's what I thought." Hermione nodded quickly, though her cheeks turned brightly red.
"But I will see you tomorrow." he promised firmly, before giving her a slow forehead kiss that allowed him to inhale the scent of her hair and carve it into his lungs.
Hermione wasn't sure if her knees would hold her when he took a step back, releasing her from the pressure of his body against the door on her back. But, though she couldn't quite feel her legs, they managed to support her as she crossed the door. "Sleep well." Severus whispered, his eyes still burning before silently closing it behind her.
Hermione walked a few steps on the dark hallway, absently touching her own lips. She felt as if she was on a dream, completely surreal and yet more real than anything she had experienced before. Something had clicked at the deepest part of herself, as if she had spent her entire life hearing a buzzing sound that she was so used to, she no longer heard… and suddenly it had stopped. Now the silence was deafening. It took her all the way up to the Gryffindor tower, plus the time to unzip her dress and get into her pajamas, and finally curl up under the garnet blanket, to realize what it was.
It was a deep feeling of utter loneliness that not her family, nor her friends had ever been able to quiet down… and that, the moment Snape's lips came in contact with hers, had transfigured itself, like not even the most brilliant spell would ever be able to do, into an unbreakable belonging.