Chapter 13
Mr. Jimmy James,
the Man, the Myth, the Legend
"The richness of a friendship
cannot be measured in dollars,
but the value of a rich friend
is priceless."
~ William Blake, 1892
Let me tell you the story of the man so nice they named him twice. The man, the myth, the legend: James James. Or, as he is called by those of us who know and love him: Jimmy. You have probably heard the name before. This specimen of greatness is known by many as the billionaire who built himself from nothing. Others know him by his talent with the written word. It was his hand that penned the golden nuggets of knowledge enshrined forever within the pages of the literary masterpiece Jimmy James: Macho Business Donkey Wrestler. Perhaps you don't recognize the name, but undoubtedly your life has been touched by him in some way. You can't spend a dollar in America without contributing to his empire. The man owns a little bit of everything, including our hearts. Yes, he is known by many people the world over and recognized for too many accomplishments to count. But to me, he's just Jimmy.
It was Mr. James who had the foresight and the intuition to pluck me from one of the tiny radio stations where I had started my career in news broadcasting. I imagine he heard a tape of one of my many brilliant editorials and said to himself, "That is the voice of the man who is going to change radio forever. I must have him on my team." Kudos to you, Jimmy, for recognizing greatness and seeking it out for yourself at all costs.
Mr. James is a man who seems to have already lived many lives. He was born into a sharecropping family in the swamp-ridden bowels of this great nation: Florida. He got his start in business as a fry cook in Ocala. He was smart enough to recognize that line of work was quickly getting him nowhere. After a brief interlude dodging mortar shells in Southeast Asia, Jimmy found himself back in the states, looking for the beginning of what would become his corporate empire. From the moment he got fired from his job as a stock boy for funneling register overcharges into a shell account in a neighboring state, Mr. James knew he was destined for something greater. He was not the type to slog away working for the man. No, Jimmy wanted to be the man.
He started by taking the money he had saved as a fry cook and added that to the cash from the register overcharge scheme and purchased small franchises of various national retail chains. Even as a young enterprising businessman, Jimmy understood the value of diversification. So he owned a little hardware store, then a sandwich shop, and pretty soon a discount hair salon. Once he felt ready to start his own business from the ground up, he opened a records management company. It was successful enough that he put his nearest competitor out of business within six months. Then the man knew he was really on a roll. Before long he had his hand in manufacturing, construction, technology, what have you. Within a matter of years it seemed there was not a single industry in which he was not involved. Once he made his first million, the corporate empire grew exponentially. If a new market share opened, Jimmy James, Incorporated was there to gobble it up. Before long, he had transformed into the business tycoon that we all know and love.
I can't claim to know too many billionaires personally. But I've come to understand that there is a certain level of eccentricity that goes along with that amount of financial success. I'm unsure whether this particular type of quirkiness is something that leads to wealth and prosperity or if the money itself just makes people go insane. At any rate, it's safe to say that Mr. James is considered by some to be, let's just say, unusual.
For starters, Mr. James has an excessive number of dogs. I don't know exactly how many. Hell, I doubt the man himself even knows. But it is apparently a number so great that feeding them necessitates dropping food from a helicopter so as not to be devoured by the hungry beasts. Being an animal lover isn't necessarily strange in and of itself, but I assure you that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Another thing that I've always found odd is how often we find Jimmy hanging around the WNYX bullpen. The man runs a corporate empire. He owns offices, warehouses, and manufacturing plants the world over. Yet, he spends the majority of his time at an AM radio station. He claims it's because the station is "the heart of the beast," as he puts it. I have a feeling it has more to do with wanting to be close to Bill McNeal. Can you really blame him?
In addition to owning a veritable dog colony and spending all his time in the newsroom, another behavior I've often found odd is Jimmy's willingness and desire to eat food that is, in a word, garbage. The man eats more canned dairy products than the quality assurance team at the Cheez Whiz factory. I have witnessed Mr. James consume food that a raccoon digging through a dumpster wouldn't care to eat. He could afford steak and lobster every day if he so chose. Yet, he chooses to visit his local Lucky Burger franchise instead. I'm not here to judge. Just because one can afford fine cuisine does not mean one must eat only fine cuisine. We're all entitled to our little guilty pleasures. I am a little concerned however, with the amount of lard in the man's daily diet considering he has already suffered a heart attack. Due to the fact that I care about the man's wellbeing and that I'm not entirely sure whether or not I have ingratiated my way into his will yet, I would very much like to keep my dear friend Jimmy alive.
Mr. James certainly has other traits that the average person would consider odd. For years now, he's been locked in some sort of power struggle with Ted Turner that I don't pretend to understand. His competition with Bill Gates borders on a blood feud. He spends a good deal of his free time planning and executing practical jokes, usually several weeks in advance of April Fool's Day. He has made such a habit out of putting his employees through tests of character, usually for the purpose of teaching us a lesson, that I believe we fail to notice sometimes there is no lesson to be learned. The man simply toys with us for his own amusement. That alone may not seem eccentric, but it does seem like a particularly cheap thrill for a man who could afford endless other forms of entertainment.
While I remain fascinated by Mr. James's peculiar behavior, I do not fault him for it. Sure, he steals condiment packets from restaurants even though he could afford to buy the eatery itself. Yes, he chooses to use the dank and dingy bathroom stalls at WNYX rather than his own private lavatory adjacent to his personal office. Let's not even get started on his root beer Jacuzzi. Yes, these behaviors seem strange to the untrained eye. However, I do not question his methods. They may seem bizarre to you or I, but they work for Mr. James and that is all that matters. After all, the proof is in the pudding. In this case, the pudding happens to be seven billion dollars.
I hold firm to the idea that Jimmy James is, in fact, a genius. You don't get this far in business on pure luck alone. He has gumption. He has good instincts. He is cunning, savvy, and relentless. But most of all, he is brilliant. It is for that reason that, any time he has chosen to bestow a piece of advice upon me over the years, I have seized upon it and held it dear to my heart. Consider me a sponge. I am always ready and willing to soak up the knowledge that spills out of Jimmy's brain.
The few times I was able to needle some stock tips out of him, I ended up taking quite a bath. Aside from that though, Jimmy's wisdom is always something to appreciate. He once told me that the way to get ahead in life was to make sure you always came away from every deal with something you wanted. I have truly taken that advice to heart. Why, just the other day, I was bartering with a street vendor over the price of some melons. We were unable to come to an agreement, so I tipped his melon stand right over and took off down the nearest alley. I may not have come away with any melons, but I did come away with a sense of satisfaction. So, in that way, I was the winner in the deal.
On another occasion, Mr. James gave me the advice to never mix business with pleasure. This, in spite of the fact that I had witnessed him do just that at nearly every turn. He didn't have illicit affairs with his staff—at least none that I'm aware of. He did, however, have a tendency to set up business dealings for the sole purpose of getting closer to any woman he found especially enticing. When I pointed this fact out to Jimmy, he countered with another piece of advice, which was, "Do as I say, not as I do." It's a cliché, but it seems to hold true nonetheless. He quickly followed that statement with, "Measure twice, cut once." I'm not too sure where he was going with that one. Sometimes it's better to just leave well enough alone when Jimmy gets in one of those pensive moods.
I once asked Mr. James for advice of the heart. There was a certain woman who seemed to have designs on me. I wasn't too sure if I should make my move or not. I consulted Jimmy and I'll never forget what he told me. He said, "Here's what you do. You take off your shoe and you slam it on the table real hard. Then you scream, 'I will bury you!' Then you lay out the terms of the relationship that would suit you best. If she counters with something reasonable, then you make the date. Got it? Good. Now, do we have any cheese crackers?" That last bit wasn't entirely helpful, but the rest of it became words to live by. That's now my standard opening move in any sort of romantic interaction. Let me tell you, it certainly gets the ladies' attention.
Despite the fact that he is able to dispense valuable relationship advice, Jimmy has not been able to seal the marital deal himself. Mr. James may seem like the most eligible bachelor in the world. He's rich. He's famous. He's got a heart of solid gold and the clogged arteries to prove it. You may be asking yourself why this man is still single. I will tell you, I'm baffled by this conundrum as well. On paper, he is perfect husband material. He should have women fawning all over him. Yet, he maintains a life of solitude. Why?
I think a piece of the puzzle may be that his heart still belongs to another. There was some siren in his past who broke his heart and left him in shattered pieces. While it was long ago, I believe there is still a piece of him that is holding onto the hope that she will one day return. Do yourself a favor, never bring up his high school sweetheart, Margie, unless you want to see a grown man reduced to blubbering tears.
On the other hand, his interminable bachelorhood may not be related to hang-ups over an old flame. It may just be that the man has very high standards. To that, I say kudos! When a man of Jimmy's talents and resources has his sights set on perfection, he should not settle for anything less. He is simply looking for the perfect woman and, for that, I applaud him. If he was simply looking for someone with the body of a fashion model, he certainly could have had dozens at his disposal. If he was only searching for a woman who matched his love of canines, I'm sure he could have scraped up a few. If Mr. James was just on the hunt for a woman who was as business-savvy as himself, there are plenty of CEOs who would have been up to the task. But, no! Jimmy is looking for the total package and I don't blame him one bit. He wants a woman who is smart and cunning, beautiful and brilliant, bold and independent, easy-going and not squeamish about copious amounts of dog slobber. The perfect woman.
Jimmy, I hope you find that perfect woman one day. Then she can cure that loneliness of yours forever. In the meantime, just know that you always have me to keep you company. I've come to think of you like family and I hope the feeling is mutual—in particular, when you are drawing up your will.