Chapter 15

Waking up, shivering, Itsuki slowly curled into a ball. Even though his body temperature was warm, the feeling of the cold that froze him and Subaru lingered.

They had died again. This time by Roswaal's hands. But it wasn't just them.

Rem was killed along with Emilia.

"Rem..." Itsuki's eyes filled with tears as he hugged his knees. "Rem... I'm so sorry... I didn't think he would... Rem..."

With tears streaming down his face, Itsuki now knew Roswaal would do just about anything to silence him if he tried to speak out about the book. Itsuki and Subaru were left with figuring out how to deal with Roswaal as well as the events to come. With his knowledge of what he read in the book, Itsuki could use it to his advantage.

But he was in no state to think clearly. Having seen both Emilia and Rem be killed because of his own actions, a part of Itsuki broke. Because of his own impatience and recklessness, two of the closest people to himself and Subaru wound up dead.

"I'm sorry..." Itsuki had grabbed his pillow and began crying into it. "I'm so sorry, Rem..."

Hours later

Walking around the mansion, Itsuki was still deep in his own thoughts. He hadn't recovered from the previous loop and never will. In his mind, Itsuki came to terms with dying, which is why he always fought so hard to maintain his own sanity. Though, he never took into account that his actions would be the sole reason of another's death. Because of his careless thinking, Itsuki managed to be the cause of, not only his death, but everyone elses.

"Itsuki." Rem's voice called out to him.

Freezing in place, he slowly turned to face her. "Did you want to train again today?"

"Train... right..." Itsuki said slowly. Ashamed, Itsuki was avoiding direct eye contact with Rem. Even if she didn't remember, Itsuki would always know that, because of him, one of the people closest to him had been killed.

"Is something wrong? You look a bit unwell." Rem said.

"I'm...fine." Ituski said, still avoiding eye contact.

As Rem took a step closer to him, Itsuki clenched his eyes shut. He couldn't face Rem. Not after what he'd done.

"Rem..." Itsuki said. "I... I can't..."

"Can't what?"

Itsuki fought back tears. Remembering her decapitated head rolling across the floor allowed the tears to overflow.

"I can't look at you." Itsuki said with a sob.

"Was it something I did?" Rem asked.

"The opposite." Itsuki told her. "I tried to help, but I fucked it up. ...I can't ever forgive myself...and I can't ever be forgiven either."

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"Yes. But..." Itsuki clenched his fists. "I can't tell you..." Itsuki couldn't help but cry. "I can't tell you..."

There were two reasons why Itsuki couldn't explain what happened.

If he tried to speak, he'd be silenced by the black smoke and hands. The other reason was because he couldn't tell Rem what happened to her. He couldn't bear to see Rem's reaction. It was a selfish reason, Itsuki knew that, but if Rem were to find out, Itsuki would break down.

Looking around, Rem didn't see anyone else nearby. Taking Itsuki's hand without a word, Rem lead Itsuki back to his room.

"Rem, what're you-?"

"Just come with me." Rem told him.

After getting back to his room, Rem sat down on Itsuki's bed. Still avoiding eye contact, Itsuki saw, through the corner of his left eye, Rem pat the spot next to her.

"Sit."

Following the directions silently, Itsuki took his spot beside Rem. Again, without a word, Rem gently grabbed Itsuki's head, pulling him onto her lap.

"Rem..?" Itsuki said softly. "What are you doing?"

"Well...I saw miss Emilia do this for Subaru and she said it seemed to calm him down." Rem explained. "I didn't know what else to do to help calm you. You...are calm, right?"

Adjusting his position just a bit, Itsuki's tears quickly dried.

"I do feel calmer than a few seconds ago." Itsuki admitted.

The duo fell silent for a few moments, but to Itsuki, now calmer and more comfortable, time seemed to pass much slower.

"Itsuki." Rem said softly.

"Yes?"

"Why won't you look at me?"

Itsuki's eyelids wrinkled as he clenched them shut. He didn't want to think about Rem's death anymore. He just wanted to forget it ever happened. But if he did forget, then what type of monster would he be?

"Because I fucked up." Itsuki said. "I fucked up more than I ever had before. It's not something that can ever be forgiven. I wish I could tell you what it was, but if I did, I'm afraid you'd look at me differently."

Rem continued to stroke Itsuki's hair as she listened to him.

"I can't ever be forgiven, let alone forgive myself."

"Then I forgive you." Rem said.

Hearing those words, Itsuki felt his eyes well up with tears.

"If you can't forgive yourself, and no one else will forgive you, then I do." Rem said. Leaning to his ear, Rem repeated herself. "I forgive you."

Exhaling, Itsuki hadn't realized he was holding his breath.

Keeping his eyes closed, it wasn't long before Ituski fell asleep.

Elsewhere in the mansion, hours prior

Storming towards Itsuki's room, Subaru felt a burning rage towards him. Because of him, Emilia was killed.

Bursting into Itsuki's room, Subaru saw him standing in the center of the room, having just put on his clothes for the day. Looking over at Subaru, Itsuki quickly turned away.

Storming towards Itsuki, Subaru glared at the boy.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Subaru growled.

"I'm sorry..." Itsuki said softly.

"Sorry doesn't cut it!" Subaru told him. "Because of your mistake, Emilia was-"

"I know..." Itsuki looked to the floor. "I know..."

Subaru shoved his index finger into Itsuki's shoulder.

"I won't forgive you." Subaru growled.

With nothing else to say, Subaru stormed out of the room, leaving Itsuki alone with his thoughts.

Current time

Once Itsuki fell asleep in her lap, Rem gently stroked his hair, watching him with a content expression. Of course, Rem wanted to know what it was that Itsuki did wrong, but after seeing him so distrought, Rem thought it best not to mention it. When he could, Rem knew Itsuki would tell her.

Yawning as she watched Itsuki quietly sleep, Rem's eyes slowly began to close as well.

The following day

After waking from his sleep, Itsuki berated himself. Having felt so guilty for what happened, just to fall asleep as though he hadn't a care in the world. Not only that, but to let himself fall asleep in the lap of one of the people he held dear. He was pathetic.

With a knock sounding at the door, Itsuki was startled.

"Itsuki," Ram's voice came through the wood. "An emissary from the capital has arrived. I expect you to get dressed and be on your best behavior."

As Ram's footsteps left the door, Itsuki let out a breath.

"The new loop point is the day before I got everyone killed..." Itsuki said to himself. Finding out the new loop point was the only good news to come of this.

Itsuki, along with Subaru, knew that Roswaal was manipulating events now. He was behind everything thus far. But now, Itsuki must prepare for the Witch Cult's arrival.

Easier said than done.

Walking over to the mirror atop the desk, Itsuki stared at his reflection. His eyes no longer held that intense fire behind them. Part of him had broke and couldn't be fixed.

Itsuki could tell this as well. Seeing Rem's decapitated head roll across the ground, by Roswaal's hand, drained his own sanity. Before the previous loop, Ituski always fought with all of his will power, always pushing forward. Even when Subaru had given up, Itsuki pushed onwards with enough will power to carry them both to their goal. He hid his own pain behind the strength he could muster from within. But that strength wavered with the sight of Rem's head.

Itsuki never wanted another person to die because of him. It's why he relied on sheer will power over everything else to push him forward. Why he gave his own life in an attempt to save Subaru from Rem. Why he shoved Rem out of the way of those Wolgarm in the forest. Why Itsuki jumped in the way of Elsa's blade to protect Felt. And why he hated his own existence.

It's because he refused to let another person die because of him. And yet, two people were brutally killed because of his reckless decisions.

Staring at himself in the mirror, a single tear made its way down his left cheek before another followed.

"You're so fucking pathetic." Itsuki said, slamming his fist on the desk before he wiped his face. "Fucking... pathetic."

"Itsuki?"

Hearing his door squeak as it opened, Itsuki glanced passed his reflection to see Rem peek her head in.

"I heard a loud bang as I was passing by and wanted to make sure you were okay." Rem said.

"I'm fine." Itsuki told her. "Just... still thinking about what happened."

"Oh..." Rem said softly. "Think you can tell me?"

"Rem, believe me, I want nothing more than to spill everything that I know." Itsuki replied. "I want to tell you exactly what it is, but...I just...can't."

"It's okay." Rem said. "When you're able, I'm sure you'll find the words."

"I'm not sure if I'll be able to face you afterwards, though." Itsuki told her. "What I know, only I know to be true. Subaru might believe me, but right now, I doubt he'd hear me out."

"Believe you about what?"

Itsuki turned around, his gaze still focused on the floor as he gripped the edge of the desk while leaning against it.

"Roswaal. He's hiding something from all of us. He keeps...something called the Book of Wisdom." Itsuki said. "I found it and read its contents. And what I read was...horrifying."

"Itsuki." Rem said softly. "What did you read?"

"Yeeeeeees. Do te~ll." Roswaal's voice suddenly echoed as he stepped into the doorway.

Seeing Roswaal sent waves of fear through Itsuki as he stared at the man. This person, who had killed Rem and Emilia, was now standing before Itsuki.

"Lord Roswaal."

Looking to Rem, Roswaal gestured to the door. "Rem, would you kindly leave us to talk?"

"Yes, Lord Roswaal."

Leaving the room, Itsuki was now alone with Roswaal.

Clenching his fists, Itsuki tried to back away only to stumble into the desk behind him.

"Aaaaaaaah, you aaaaaact as though I'm a thr~eat." Roswaal said.

"After what I've experienced, you're goddamn right!" Itsuki growled, his words laced with fear.

"So, Itsuuuuuki, would you mind tell~ing me what it is you read in my Book of Wisdom?" Even though it was a question, the way Roswaal said it sounded more like a demand. "More impooooooortantly," Roswaal's gaze sharpened, his eyes narrowing and piercing Itsuki's soul. "Explain how it is you managed to even read it." Roswaal dropped his usual manner of speaking. His tone was now threatening, demanding and bone chilling. "No one else should be able to read its contents except the owner of the book. So, either you're lying, or-"

"I'm not lying!" Itsuki said defensively. "I know what you are, Roswaal." Each word Itsuki spoke held a sliver of fright behind it. He was terrified of Roswaal, no doubt. And seeing him was definitely putting a strain on Itsuki's mind as he fought his best not to break down and shiver in terror.

"And what would that be?"

"You're a monster." Itsuki answered. "You hired people to steal from and attack Emilia and Subaru. You hired a mabeast tamer to attack the village and put all of the residents, even the children, in harms way! Didn't you?!"

Roswaal stood silent, a simple smile plastered across his lips.

"I have underestimated you, Itsuki." Roswaal said. "Given the book didn't mention your name, I figured-"

"I wasn't someone who was even worth mentioning?" Itsuki finished for him. "You already told me that!"

Roswaal was caught off guard momentarily before smiling once more.

"How many times have we had this conversation?"

"This would be the second." Itsuki said.

"So, that means you also have Subaru's unique ability. You can remember previous loops?" He asked. "Or do you have the power to loop yourself?"

"The former." Itsuki told him.

"I appreciate the honesty."

As the room fell into silence, Itsuki stared into Roswaal's emotionless gaze.

"Are you going to kill me?" Itsuki said. It wasn't as much a question more of a confirmation. "I happen to know you have no problem killing the people who serve you. Or people of a higher status."

"You're referring to miss Emilia, yes?" Roswaal slowly blinked his eyes. "It is true. I have no problem killing those closest to me. Even Ram, who I happen to favor quite a bit, is one of those I'd remove to reach my ultimate goal."

"What would that be?" Itsuki growled.

Roswaal clicked his tongue.

"I plan to resurrect my mentor." Roswaal replied. "The one person I hold more dear than anyone else. Echidna."

"Who?"

"The Witch of Greed." Roswaal said.

"Why tell me this if you know I remember everything?" Itsuki asked. "Don't you know I'm trying to stop you? Stop what that book is telling you to do?"

"I am aware." Roswaal said. "But I am certain you won't stop me. I will have the Witch Cult attack this mansion and Subaru will kill the Sin Archbishop of Sloth, Petelgeuse. Once he does, he will gain the Witch Factor. Then he will free Sanctuary from the barrier my mentor cast."

"Witch Factor? Barrier? Why have Subaru go through all of the obstacles?!" Itsuki shouted. "Just to bring back some dead wi-"

A sudden gust of wind slashed a deep gash into Itsuki's left cheek.

"I will not tolerate disrespect towards my mentor." Roswaal said, showing a terrifying amount of anger.

Holding his freshly opened wound, Itsuki stared at Roswaal.

"Are you going to kill me?" Itsuki asked again.

Roswaal didn't move as he stared into Itsuki's pupils.

"No. This loop has not yet made me give up my will to live." Roswaal said. "And thus, there is no need to enforce a loop. As long as Subaru doesn't go back, I will remember that you have the same ability as him. I will also know that you are much more than someone to ignore. And, if I happen to kill you, I have a hunch that Subaru will loop in order to bring you back. Thus, I will forget everything. If I allow you to live, then this conversation will be more than just to your benefit. We will both have gained knowledge." Roswaal's eyes suddenly took their usual look.

"No~w, with that out of the waaaaay, I bid you the best of luck, Itsu~ki." Roswaal said, returning to his usual manner of speaking as he turned to the door. "I have a fee~ling that you will be a valuable asset to keep arou~nd. I suggest you keeeeeeeep this conversation to yourse~lf. I will al~so be keeping my Book of Wisdom on my per~son from now ooooon."

Once Roswaal disappeared behind the door, Itsuki's legs gave out from under him. It felt as though a boulder was slowly lowering onto his shoulders as the current situation dug its way into his long term memory.

End of chapter 15