The three weeks between Christmas and the trial were utterly challenging for Anna. Although it was true that she handled the nausea and fainting better thanks to Dr Clarkson's advice, the emotional part was much more complicated. She felt herself on a roller-coaster of feelings, subject to quick and intense mood swings. She would feel elated thinking of the pregnancy, then a minute later tears would rush to her eyes for fear of another miscarriage, when it was not anxiety regarding the trial that assaulted her into a panic attack. It consumed the best part of her energy only to maintain a facade of normalcy in front of the staff and Lady Mary. Several times had she had to bite her tongue to prevent herself from snapping at people, including Mr Carson. John was the only person with whom she did not refrain, and the poor man had in these few weeks received more sharp comments than in the ten previous years of their relationship. However he was receiving them complacently, never returning them, and doing his best to make her feel better. If she needed a punching ball, then her punching ball he would be. Sensing her difficulties, Mrs Hughes had summoned her into her sitting-room, and had efficiently managed to make her spill the beans about the pregnancy. Seconds after telling her how happy they both were, Anna had broken into tears. Mrs Hughes had patted her back with a worried frown. She knew they had hoped for a baby for a long time, and she was happy for them, but she couldn't help thinking that maybe it was not the most fortunate timing. She hoped the conjunction of the trial, which was bound to bring back some harsh memories, and the pregnancy hormones would not bring Anna to an emotional breaking point. The Housekeeper found herself longing for that damned trial to be over. All these emotions and the energy she had to spend to keep them under some sort of control left Anna utterly exhausted. She had more than once fallen asleep, her head resting on her forearms on the table in the servants' Hall while waiting for John to come back from His Lordship before going home. They had abandoned their habit of having a late cup of tea once home, after John had come back from the kitchen with the cups, only to find her asleep on the settee. They now headed straight to sleep at night. But the nights were rather restless too, as the nightmares had returned stronger than ever. John often spent one or several hours each night doing his best to soothe her back to sleep. One day that he was discussing Anna's state with Mrs Hughes, he told her ironically that seeing how he spent his nights lately, he would be well-prepared to handle a sleepless baby. She had laughed in sympathy.
x x x x
At last the eve of the trial came. Anna had one last meeting with her attorneys and her co-plaintiffs, and John and she were staying in York for three nights, to spare her the trouble of going back and forth. John had arranged the time off with Lady Mary and Lord Grantham, and had rented a room for them in York in a hotel near the courthouse. Anna's case was scheduled to be examined on the third day, being the most recent, and the one with the most witnesses and material proofs. So Lady Mary, Mrs Hughes and Dr Clarkson, as well as John had been summoned on this third day. Just when Anna and John were preparing to leave for York, after lunch on the eve of the trial, Mr Carson called after them:
- Mr Bates, Anna, His Lordship wishes to see you in the drawing room.
- Oh, yes Mr Carson, replied John.
They went up the stairs and knocked on the drawing-room door.
- Ah, Bates, Anna, there you are.
Lord Grantham was standing next to his desk. The whole family was there, including the Dowager Countess and Mrs Crawley, enjoying a quiet moment after luncheon. Lord Grantham took a few steps towards Anna and John, and Lady Mary stood up to meet them. Lord Grantham talked to Anna with a sympathetic smile:
- Anna, we just wanted to assure you of our family's support in the difficult days ahead of you. Her Ladyship and I chose not to come to the trial, out of respect for you, because we know you'll have to say very private things, and we don't want you to feel embarrassed with us. But Lady Mary will be there and will represent us. You will be in our thoughts.
Anna's eyes filled with tears. Her voice was veiled as she answered:
- Thank you so much, Your Lordship, this is very thoughtful of you. It means a lot to me.
- And to me, added John, putting a protective arm around Anna's shoulders.
Lady Mary shot a supportive smile to Anna:
- Are you sure you don't want me to come on the two first days Anna?
- No, no, my Lady, don't bother. I won't be speaking, we will be listening to the other cases. I'll have Mr Bates. But thank you so much for offering.
From the settee, Lady Grantham's voice entered the conversation:
- We wish you the best outcome Anna.
- Thank you, Your Ladyship. Just so you know, Lady Sybil's memory has helped me a great deal these last months. I remembered her boldness and her passion for justice, and it gave me strength. I hope she can be proud of me, wherever she is now.
Lady Grantham's eyes were misty too now.
- Oh, Anna, thank you for saying that.
- Dear Sybil, whispered Mrs Crawley.
The Dowager Countess only scratched her throat, not being one for emotional displays.
John shuffled on his feet and said:
- I'm sorry, we should go now, we don't want to miss our train.
- Yes, of course Bates, off you go, concluded Lord Grantham.
Anna and John nodded to the family and departed.
Back downstairs, they were putting on their coats, when Barrow, Ms Baxter and Mrs Hughes gathered to wish them well too.
- Good luck Anna, said Thomas with a genuine smile. I'll be thinking of you.
Mrs Hughes put her hands on Anna's shoulders and gave them a friendly squeeze.
- Well Anna. We'll see in three days. I hope my testimony will do more good this time, she sighed, referring to the part she had reluctantly played at Bates's trial. Lord I never thought I'd find myself in a courthouse so many times in my life.
- Me neither, stated Anna. I wish I hadn't.
- Come on Anna. We should go, reminded John.
Now was not the time to dwell on their previous encounter with the judiciary system.
- Good luck Anna, called out Daisy and Mrs Patmore from the kitchen door.
Anna smiled to them, and picked her small suitcase. The collective support warmed her heart for sure, but it didn't prevent her from dreading the next three days.
x x x x
In York, Anna and John headed straight from the station to the attorneys offices. Once more John waited in the lobby while Mrs Bader-Ginsburg and Mrs Halimi briefed the five plaintiffs one last time. Being surrounded by the other plaintiffs and the two attorneys helped Anna to gather herself and feel steadier. At the end of the afternoon, she and John had settled into their hotel room. Anna had slumped onto the bed, letting out a deep sigh.
- Do you want to go grab a bite for dinner? asked John. The pub downstairs looks nice enough.
- Sleeping in a hotel, eating at the pub… It could almost feel like a holiday, she said bitterly. If only I did not have to stand in front of dozens of unknown people, and explain to them how a man had battered me, torn my clothes off and forced himself on me…
John sat next to her and began rubbing soothing circles in her back.
- It'll be alright love. You'll do wonderful. You are strong.
- But I don't know that I am…
Her voice cracked as she was saying that, and tears flooded her face.
- Oh John, she cried, sobbing more and more.
For a moment, it seemed that she could not stop crying. At last, John stood up, and pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. When at last the sobs died out, she whispered:
- Just the idea of being in the same room as him again, of seeing his face… makes me feel sick. I just want to run away from here.
- I know love, I know. I'd like to run away with you too. The thought of seeing him again make me feel sick too. I know I will feel like jumping at his throat and make him beg for mercy. But I can't. Just as you can't run away. Try and remember why you are doing this. Remember the other girls. Remember Lady Sybil. Remember that thanks to you he will never hurt any woman again. Look at me darling, he said, holding her at arms' length.
She looked up to him with her red and puffy eyes.
- Now, do you remember?
She nodded slightly.
- Good. Now, breathe in deeply, slowly.
He made a deep breathing gesture to guide her.
- And out, he said as he exhaled with her.
He took out his handkerchief and wiped her cheeks, then kissed her forehead.
- Better? he asked with a loving smile.
- You always make me feel better, she admitted, returning a small smile.
- Fine. Now we should go and eat, so that we can have an early night, and be at our best tomorrow.
- I don't know about being at my best but we sure should have an early night…
x x x x
They had been lying in bed for the best part of two hours, but Anna kept twisting and turning in the bed, unable to get any rest. It seemed that every time she closed her eyes and started to doze, his face appeared in her mind's eye, only to make her jump awake. At one point, John pulled himself up on his elbow and looked worriedly to her. He was going to ask her what was wrong but bit his tongue in time, because he knew she would only snap that it was quite obvious what was wrong (and it was true…). So he changed strategy and said:
- You seem to be having a hard time sweetheart.
She moaned in frustration.
- It seems he has decided to haunt my whole night…
- Why don't we talk about something else, to help you forget him?
- Like what?
- I don't know, anything happy. Our baby for example, he said, brushing his hand on her still flat belly. Would you rather have a boy or a girl?
- I don't know… Just a baby would be fine. But I've always pictured a little dark-haired boy, just like you…
- Oh, that's funny because I have always pictured a little blue-eyed and blond-haired girl, just like you…
She laughed, and he knew he was on the right tracks. He kept her talking and talking, about the baby, about other babies, about what they could do in the future, about taking a holiday together, which they had never done, about anything that would keep her mind off Green and the next day. Until finally her eyes started to flicker, and she dozed with a lingering smile on her lips. Her head still rested in the crook of his shoulder, and he kept softly brushing her blond locks.
x x x x
Thanks to John, she had managed to get a few hours of restorative sleep, and although she was nervous on the next morning when the alarm clock went off, she didn't feel as bad as she thought she would. She had a hard time eating at breakfast though, so John made sure he stockpiled enough sustainment to keep her going during the whole morning in case of low blood sugar. At half past eight, they were standing on the large stone stairs outside the courthouse, where the attorneys and other plaintiffs were meeting them. The other girls all looked out of sorts too, and being the eldest of them, Anna felt like a duty to keep her nerves in front of them. Laura Nielson, the former housemaid who had had a child after Green's attack, was the only one who had come all alone, since her family had cut her off, and she was scheduled to be the first to testify, since her case was the oldest. The poor girl, so young and so lonely, looked downright terrified, and a big-sisterly feeling started rooting inside Anna's heart. She shivered about how awful it must feel to speak first, and made a promise to herself to support her at best she could during the whole day. She found that focusing on caring for the younger girl helped her forget her own woes.
There were not yet many people waiting outside the Courthouse apart from their own group and a few reporters, who had already tried to accost them, but the attorneys had shooed away quickly. But Mrs Halimi had warned them that the trial being public, more people were bound to show up as first reports of the audiences came out in the press. They knew the public opinion might not, at first at least, be in their favour, and they were all braced for the name-calling that would probably occur.
At quarter to nine, the courthouse opened, and the small group made their way into the audience Hall. Anna, John, the other plaintiffs and the few family members that had come with them all sat in the victims benches, next to their attorneys seats, opposite the place where Green would be seated. His own attorney was already sitting there. Anna looked at him and his cunning look did not inspire her any trust. She thought he was well-assorted to his client. At nine, the Judge, the prosecutor, and the members of the jury took their seats. Anna held her breath and squeezed hard on John's hand when the Judge stood up and called to the guards:
- Officer, please bring in the accused!
There we are, getting serious. We're really entering the heart of the matter in next chapter!