Chapter 13: When the past come back

She plunged again the spoon in the pint of strawberry ice cream where she searched for solace after that hard day, while with the other hand continued to change channel in the hope of finding a pretty interesting program to distract her from her thoughts. That sense of depression didn't want to leave her body and her head, the memory of the words spoken and unspoken tormented her. She felt she had lost something important, but at the same time had the bitter knowledge that she had never possessed it. You can't lose something that is not yours.
She let slip the TV remote on the sofa next to her legs drawn up, giving up searching for something interesting: that night even the schedule wasn't on her side. She was looking reluctantly that cheap movie from for which she had opted when the doorbell rang. She turned toward the door, bewildered: who could it be at that hour? The first thought fell on James, who during all the day had worried for her; however it seemed strange that he even went to her house, after all she wasn't dying, she had just had a bad day.
She rose reluctantly from the couch, putting the ice cream pint with the spoon in it on the table and went to the door by pressing the button on the intercom and doing the usual question.

- Who is it?-
- It's me- simply said the voice at the other end.

She winced, recognizing the tone of her interlocutor: the last person she would have expected to find in front of the door, but the first that occupied her thoughts since last night. The heart started to pound in her chest, she felt as seized by a panic attack. What should she do? She couldn't pretend not to be at home, she had already responded, but she didn't want to face him. After a moment of hesitation, she decided to do what was more civilized doing: she opened the door. She found him in front of her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers in his hands, colored anemones and some calendula in between. There were only two reasons why a man might show up at a woman's home with flowers: tell her that he loved her or apologize. Considering the nature of their relationship at that time, it was much more likely that Shuichi was there for the second option. However, she was surprised at this unexpected gesture, it certainly wasn't from him humiliate himself to that.

- Can I come in? I would like to talk- he said to break the silence.

She wanted to answer him as she had responded a few hours earlier at work, but she was trapped, she couldn't said to be occupied at ten thirty in the evening. So she sighed and motioned for him to enter, gesture that the colleague understood immediately.

- What are you doing here at this hour?- she asked, even knowing the answer already.
- It's obvious, isn't it? I came to give up the fight and make my apologies- he handed her gently the bunch of flowers, which she took with pleasure.
- Thank you, they are beautiful- she hinted a smile, admiring them and inhaling the scent.

She looked around, looking for something where she could put them: her eyes fell on an empty ceramic pot placed in a corner on the ground near a piece of furniture. She took it and filled it with fresh water, then removing the paper and ribbon from flowers and placing them inside. Finally she placed it on top of the furniture itself, all under the watchful eye of Shuichi who doesn't stop watching her for a second. Probably he expected that from her mouth came out a few words, whereas she was the one talkative and expansive between the two of them, but after realizing that he wouldn't get anything he started asking questions almost silly, just to strike up a conversation.

- I disturbed you while you were eating dessert?- he nodded to the pint of ice cream that she had left on the coffee table.
- I just wanted something sweet- was all she said, closing the pint and bringing it back in the refrigerator before the ice cream melted completely.

She was escaping from him and for sure he had understood it. She would have been hypocritical to say that cute gesture hadn't affected her or she didn't like those beautiful flowers; but the anger was still deep and the knowledge that her feelings weren't reciprocated prevented her to take advantage of the situation. It wasn't the right time to have a conversation and she had to make that clear.

- Listen Shu… - she began, not knowing what words using - You've been really nice to come here to apologize and bring me flowers, I appreciate it, really. But now I don't feel to face it, I'm not in the mood. I won't make the situation worse, so I prefer to talk at another time, forgive me- she concluded, taking a deep breath.
- Jodie you're not a child anymore, you're a grown woman, you should learn to deal with certain situations. Do you really want to pout and ruin our relationship because of a dispute which has now been cleared?- he fixed her with a stern look, as he used to do when he wanted to pose as a mature and superior man.

That was the straw that broke the camel, those words perhaps even worse than those of the previous evening. She a little girl?! She couldn't be it even when the chronological age would grant it to her, let alone now! It wasn't her who was ruining the relationship, it was him with his lack of tact and feelings. In the growing anger that clouded her mind, she wondered for the first time how she could have fallen in love with such a person , a man who wasn't even aware of how his words could hurt more than the bullets fired by his beloved rifles. She wasn't perfect, but she deserved better. She was wasting her time behind someone that didn't even realize how much love she had given him without asking anything in return. It was time that he knew. Shuichi Akai had to realize that he wasn't as perfect as he pretended to be.

- If I were a little girl I wouldn't have borne all this, on the contrary I would have already told you to go to hell for a while! I wouldn't have continued to worry about you as it does a faithful wife after that six years ago you gave me the sack with an absurd excuse! You're the one who ruined everything and you did it when you've never bothered to get me one, damn phone call to know how I felt after you had ditched me! And don't say you couldn't because otherwise they would have discovered you, the time to call James to talk about how your mission was going there you had it and how! I wanted to hear you saying you missed me as much as I missed you, even if it was just a lie to make me happy I would have believed you anyway! But the truth is that you didn't leave me because you were afraid of betraying yourself during the mission… the truth is that you were already in love with Akemi. After her death you've shut down and although it's already passed a year you seem to have no intention of open yourself again. It almost seems like you feel a sort of obscure pleasure in continuing to bask in your world of pain and guilt. I tried, I tried with all my might to bring you back to the surface from the abyss in which you are sunk, but you insist on refusing my hand! I... I got tired of knocking on a door that doesn't open-

She was passed by shouting in his face with all the breath she had in her lungs to shed tears as she spoke the last words in a weak voice, all without even realizing it. She had almost caught her breath between a sentence and the other, the words flowed relentlessly like a river in flood. Words that for too long had been held inside, words she had never found the courage to say. She knew that now everything would have changed, she could no longer go back on anything, as he knew she had confessed in an indirect way what she still felt for him. This wasn't how she had imagined the moment when she would have said that she still loved him. Confused and unable to deal with all those feelings she was feeling in a moment, she continued to cry and look him straight in the eyes, waiting for his reply. For all the time in which she railed against him, he had been looking at her with a bewildered face, incredulous that anything was really happening. He had never seen her so angry and exasperated, perhaps had never even thought she would come to that. Now, however, he stood in silence with eyes closed, probably elaborating every word and drawing his conclusions. She would have liked to hear something, anything, even negative, as long as he talked. The total indifference would have hurt her more than an icy response. But the sniper continued to stand in absolute silence.
Now unable to take any more, she walked briskly to the door, opening it wide abruptly.

- Get out!- she ordered, an unusual spark of fierceness in her eyes.

Without putting up any resistance and fight back, Shuichi walked slowly toward the door with his eyes closed, impassive as always. Certainly she didn't expect an answer before he left her apartment, now she no longer expected anything from him. She didn't even look at him as he crossed the threshold and walked down the corridor to return to where he came, she didn't want to see that indifference that wore her out inside. She closed the door and leaned against it with her back, slipping to the ground like blood flowing from a wound, bursting into tears. From tomorrow, nothing would ever be the same. She had lost her shoulder, a friend, the love of a lifetime.

When she opened her eyes againthe sun had already risen for some time, she could glimpse it from behind the graceful curtains that covered the French doors. Despite the drowsiness indicated that she had slept, she felt tired as if she had been working all night. She rolled over on her back, moving the covers: only then she realized she was in her bed. There would be nothing strange, that's where you go to sleep, the problem was that she couldn't remember when and how she had arrived there. The last image projected in her mind was the one of Shuichi who went away after she had thrown him out: everything else was a huge black hole. She ran her hands over her face and head, then she reached out the hand and took the phone on the bedside table to check the time. She noticed that , in addition to five missed calls from James, she also had two missed calls from Shiho dating back to the previous evening. She was so absent that she hadn't even noticed the phone was ringing, or maybe she had heard it but had been unable to answer, and now she couldn't remember it, like everything else. She guessed she had phoned to see how he felt after the discussion with Shuichi at Kudo's house, but at that moment she had no desire to talk about him or them , so she decided that she would call her back when she would feel able to face the topic. She wasn't even sure of being able to go to work, she didn't have the head to stay focused on something that would decide the fate of her father's assassin, not to mention that she would come into office with more than two hours late. So phoned James, to give at least an explanation.

- Jodie, but where have you gone?! I've been trying to call you for two hours!- he scolded her immediately as soon as he answered the call, without even wishing her good morning.
- Sorry James, I woke up just a few minutes ago. I don't feel well at all, I don't think I could come today. I feel even worse than yesterday- she justified herself, hoping to get by.
- What's wrong?- he asked James, a bit worried.
- Nothing serious, I think it's just a little bit of flu- she lied, although she knew that James would have hardly believed at it.
- Jodie, you can't give up right now, we must prepare us well for the process if we want to win it- he reminded her, as if she didn't know.
- I know, and tomorrow I will do everything possible to be there, I swear, but today I just can't do it-
- By chance the reason why you can't come to work today is the same for which this morning Akai is more sullen and misanthrope than usual, which in recent times was no longer as he was months before?- he asked bluntly.

She remained puzzled by the question and by how, despite being aware of acumen of the man that had grown her during all those years, he managed to understand and connect everything anytime.
Recovered from the surprise, she felt the anger raising inside her. If she was sick there have to be due to Shuichi?! She cursed herself again because of the way she eclipsed herself behind the figure of that man, so as to make it visible to all. Maybe it wasn't just James, maybe her colleagues gossiped about this behind her back. She imagined their comments, like "Have you seen how she follow him around like a puppy?" or low-level things like that. Moreover, it wasn't her problem if Shuichi was grumpy: he was born that way band would have died that way as well.

- Is it possible that all that concern me must necessarily revolve around him?! He's not the center of the world! Now I can't even get sick?!- she shouted and then hang up the phone down.

She regretted it soon after, realizing that in the end James wasn't the one to blame, he was just worried for her.
Exhausted by the whole situation, she turn over on her side and completely covered herself, annoyed even by sunlight filtering through. She had no desire to get up from there or doing anything.

…..

He stood for a moment staring at the phone display where the call had just been stopped, struck by the vehemence with which his interlocutor had replied. When she reacted that way the situation was more serious than it seemed, now he knew her well.
He sighed, closing his eyes and thinking about what to do. Then he went out from his office and went to search for Shuichi, who hadn't communicated what he would have done that day. He found him in an office isolated from the others, which they used as an archive, sitting at a desk to read some documents contained in old files. Seeing him entering, he looked up from the reading.

- Has something happened?- he asked immediately, thinking that if the boss came to him it was for an emergency.
- No, I just wanted to ask you if you could keep it all under control for a few hours, I have to go out. You're my best man, I do not know who else to ask- he admitted, renewing the great esteem he felt towards him.
- Is everything ok?- he asked again, as if sensing that he was hiding something.
- Yes, I just have to take care of something before it's too late. Then, can you replace me?- he simply replied, not wanting to tell him what he should do.
- Sure, I'll take care of it- he agreed.

Without another word he left the room, took the elevator and went to the parking lot outside the building, getting up on his car directed by Jodie's home.

About twenty minutes later he was at the door of her apartment. He rang the bell and waited until he heard the voice on the intercom.

- Who is it?-
- It's me-

The lock clicked and the door opened, showing the young woman not quite in her best form. Her eyes were red and swollen a sign that she had cried a lot, she had tangled hair and was still wearing her nightgown which she had covered for modesty throwing a cloth over her shoulders and rolling it up on herself. Certainly her wasn't an excuse not to go to work and loiter around the city.

- James, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?- she asked surprised.
- Today I have something more important to attend than job-

He knew that who with time had come to regard as a daughter would understand that the important thing to which he was referring was her; in fact Jodie threw herself into his arms and began to cry again, sure he wouldn't have considered her too immature or weak. Probably those were the words she wanted to hear from another person, the same for which she was shedding tears. He was the only one to know about their history, the only one who knew how much she had suffered in the last few years. He hugged her strongly and slowly made her walk up to the couch, where they sat down and she continued to let off steam crying into his chest for several minutes while he tried to comfort her, stroking her head. They stayed that way until Jodie calmed down, while continuing to remain embraced to him.

- I'm sorry, I'm being silly- she said, wiping her eyes.
- You're just a bit down in the dumps, it happens to everyone- he reassured her - How about I take you out for lunch to eat something good? But you have to clean yourself up-
- Thanks, but I'm not hungry- she shook her head.
- Come on, you have to eat something. If you do not like to go out I'll make you something, but you have to dress up- he recommended, as a father would.
- All right, grumpy old man!- she smiled, giving in and giving him a pinch on the shoulder, and then getting up off the couch and going to her room.
- About the grumpy I can also turn a blind eye, but about the old no! Be careful how you talk to me young lady!- he pretended to be serious, but you could tell he was joking to cheer her up.

He got up from the couch too and began to look for something in the pantry to prepare. He finally decided to make rice with meat and vegetables, a simple but nutritious dish, not to mention that there wasn't much left in the house, as often happened to all of them agents of eating out.
He put the water to boil in a pot and proceeded to chop vegetables. After a while Jodie joined him, with a decidedly cooler look: she had rinsed the tears from her face, her hair was combed and tidy and she was wearing a blouse and a pair of jeans, definitely more appropriate than the succinct petticoat. Apparently it seemed that she felt better, but he knew that within her the fire was still burning. Probably she didn't want to broach the subject, but he had to ask anyway.

- So, you want to tell me what happened with Akai?-
- Please, can we change the subject? Otherwise I will not be able to swallow even a mouthful of what you are preparing- she sat down at the table, sighing.
- I'm sorry to insist, I know how you feel and I will not meddle in your romantic affairs, but I'm also your boss Jodie and I would make sure that there won't be disagreements at work among my subordinates. You are two good agents and I need both. You have to work together again for a long time and I don't want that your professionalism will fail for personal matters- he explained seriously.
- It won't happen- she said convinced - I just need a few days alone to dispose of the whole. In this regard, could we work alone outside the headquarters? I would feel less nervous, and I could concentrate better. We can work here, or at your apartment- she suggested.
- Jodie, you have to come to work, you are no longer a stubborn little girl with whom I have to make compromises- he reaffirmed.
- You're right, I'll try to pull myself together as quickly as possible. But you should do this speech also to Shu, because I'm not sure he wants to work with me again-
- The matter is really that serious?- he asked, more and more confused.
- Enough- she simply answered.

Going on like that he wouldn't come to anything. He asked her questions and she answered vaguely, the whole matter was shrouded in utter mystery. But he hadn't gone there to play the detective, he had gone there to solve the problem and whether to do so he had to be insistent then he would have been. He began to scrutinize and stare at her , trying to intimidate her to such an extent as to make her spill the beans. Usually it was a move that worked. As expected, he saw her turning her eyes in exasperation.

- We had a heavy discussion, he said things, I said things and then I kicked him out of here- she summarized briefly.
- You kicked him out?- he marveled.
- Yes- she nodded - He came to apologize after the other night at Shinichi Kudo's house he hadn't behaved very well towards me- she nodded to the vase of flowers over the furniture - But I had no desire to talk to him because I wanted to let off some steam. He insisted, has provoked me, and I... - she took a break, getting sad - I screwed up-
- What do you mean?-
- That I reproached him things I have kept inside for years... - she shook her head.

There was a moment of silence, during which he took the opportunity to throw the rice in boiling water and mixed it. He thought about all that Jodie had just said, imagining what might be these things that she had held inside. Once she had confessed to him some of them unwittingly, one evening when she had exaggerated with the wine, but he didn't feel to touch the topic again. Maybe she didn't even remember.

- Maybe it's not a bad thing that you had vented, pretending that all was ok wasn't a solution- he finally said - In these years I've always heard you say "it's all ok" every time I asked you if something was wrong with him, but it was obvious that wasn't ok. There is nothing wrong if you felt anger towards him, the important thing was that this anger didn't turn into hatred and to not make it happen you had to get rid of it and turn it into words. Now that you've done it you can go on-
- The problem is that I have turned them into acidic words that I can't take back... - she looked down.
- Can I do something to help you?-
- I'm no longer a child, you've said it yourself. If I get in trouble I have to get out on my own- she tried to smile.

She was right, there were things in which he couldn't help her. He could care for her, he could prepare lunch for her, but he couldn't meddle in her emotional issues. All that remained for him to do was encouraging her to do her best. He returned the smile, continuing to cook for her as he did in the old days.

….

He closed even that file, putting it in the ranks of those already read. By now even the lunch hour had passed and no one had come to him, so everything had to be under control. He wondered if James had already returned and above what he had to do. He looked worried, but certainly if there was a problem that concerned the FBI he would have told him. He picked up another file from the ranks of the non-read, and opened it, beginning to view the documents inside it: they were all notes which he had collected during his years as infiltrated in the Organization. You could define it a blast from the past, but certainly not with pleasant memories. Every page that he leaf through was a wound that reopened. His revenge that had cost him a lot. In his mind overlapped different thoughts, from his father to Akemi. People he loved and that had been taken away from him. Suddenly, however, the memory of his break up with Jodie resurfaced as clear as if it happened yesterday. He remembered every word they had said in that car that no longer existed, as their history. Although he had tried not to give it too much weight, as he did with the things that were too uncomfortable to accept, he knew he had broken her heart, but he never thought that Jodie harbored grudge against him for that. She, who had always forgiven him everything, even the mistakes that he had never forgiven himself. For its part, even for him that day hadn't been easy. He hadn't certainly left her with a light heart as she thought, he hadn't felt joy in sacrificing the woman he loved for a dirty job. His feelings were real, but now he was paying the price for never telling her or at least hinted it. He knew she still felt very strong feelings for him, he had long understood, but he preferred to play dumb to not delude her to want to start a relationship with her. His heart wasn't in peace to start a relationship, either with her or with any other woman, but he had always tried not to make her suffer.
At that thought came back to his mind the words that Shiho had said the night before: "have respect for her feelings". She must have realized what Jodie felt too. It was then that he realized he actually hadn't certainly done his best to have respect for her feelings, because he had never bothered to hide his feelings for Akemi even when she was near him and could perceive them without him speak openly. Taken as he was his stoic pain, he hadn't realized that she was suffering too at seeing him in that state and in knowing that she wasn't the woman in his thoughts. That woman who he had had to sacrifice for his mission, that woman who first had made him feel strong feelings after he had decided to withdraw into himself because of his father's death, had always been there for him and he had made her feel like there was always something more important of her. Jodie was a fantastic woman, who would certainly not have trouble finding a thousand men ready to make her feel like a queen; nevertheless she had chosen him, that no matter how gallant and polite was, he wasn't the prince of fairy tales. And he had squandered that opportunity, too focused on itself and its objectives. He had been blind before all, and even when he had seen, he preferred to pretend not to have, because it was easier. To silence the feelings was the best thing to do, because facing them would have made him vulnerable and he couldn't afford it.
He put the documents in the file and closed it, leaving it on the desk. He had too many thoughts in mind, it was useless to try to focus. He folded his hands behind his head and stood in that office isolated and poorly lit, to reflect on his mistakes.

AUTHOR'S CORNER

Hi everyone! ^-^ How many of you were expecting this implication in the story? All because I'm too predictable! XD I leave comments and impressions to you, making just a little note on the flowers that Shuichi had brought to Jodie. Japanese culture enthusiasts will know that in Japan is very widespread the Hanakotoba, or the language of flowers (do you remember that episode of Clash of Red and Black where the MIB send a columbine plant to James and Conan explains its meaning?). I decided to use it too in this chapter and I report what the flowers that Shu gives to Jodie mean (although I think it's pretty clear!):

"Even a bunch of colorful anemones (all colors except white) is a clear symbol of reconciliation […]Marigolds that in the language of flowers indicate "pain and sorrow" and show repentance. "

Source: .it/il-linguaggio-dei-fiori

As always, let me know your impression if you want! ;) And thanks to all who read!