The realization
… FINALLY!
Ellie woke up, rubbing her eyes.
Her head was fine, just as she'd told Clint it would be.
She climbed from her bed and peeked out through her door to see if Bucky was in eye shot.
He wasn't, so she made her way to the bathroom, dragging a comb through her hair after she'd finished and washed her hands and face, getting as much of the day after makeup off as she could.
When she walked out of the bathroom, she looked around, seeing that Bucky's door was open, but he was nowhere to be seen.
She turned to go back to her room, but turned as her dismal thoughts about what he'd done the night before sparked a memory.
He'd recorded the shows they'd done.
He had video of them- of all the things they'd done…
She didn't think Bucky was terrible enough to post them as revenge porn, but who knew about anything anymore? Her whole world had been dumped on its head.
Ellie hurried to Bucky's room, eyes narrowing at the bed as she passed it to his laptop.
She opened the closed computer and waited for it to load up.
The screen she was greeted with was the website that Bucky streamed the shows on. She looked at the tip jar, seeing about five hundred dollars in it.
Well, now she knew what had happened the night before. Even if it hurt.
She minimized the window, going to find the videos to delete them, but she stopped at what she saw.
It was a paused video.
She was confused, and opened up the window with the website again, scrolling through the chat box until she saw a post from 'her' telling the audience that the show tonight would be a recording.
She accidentally tapped the pad and clicked her profile's name, opening her profile. She was about to click out when she saw a bunch of typing and a picture in the corner that caught her eye.
The picture was from a party Bucky had dragged her to; she remembered the outfit, something that she had felt really awkward in due to the tighter fit, but she remembered that after a while, she had relaxed enough to have a good time, and Bucky had taken a selfie of them, holding his hand above to get a picture of their whole costumes as they made funny faces, pressing close together so that they both fit in the frame.
Except it wasn't a picture of the both of them; Bucky had cut himself out, which made sense since it was supposed to be just her profile. It also made sense that he had adjusted the height of it, since she had told him that she didn't want to show her face.
What didn't make sense is that he had framed her body in the picture as though it was something magnificent to behold.
Ellie shook her head, looking at the paragraph in the bio area, wondering what simpering drivel he had put there to attract viewers.
Hi! You can call me Pretty girl! I'm a gorgeous woman, but too shy to realize it. I'm too shy to let you see my face, but I can tell you that my eyes sparkle when I laugh, my smile will make the worst day seem insignificant, and when I cuddle against you, you'll feel like everything is right with the world. -Profile by Buck
Wow… that was… she didn't know how exactly to describe it, but it was definitely not something that a friend would write…
Now she was very confused, and minimized the window again to look at the still frame of the video.
She saw herself laying there, worn out, Bucky's hand on her cheek.
When had Bucky put his hand on her cheek? She didn't remember that…
She hit back a little on the video bar.
"God, my kitten is such a good girl," his fond voice came from the speakers. "Look at her, all tired out from fucking, she can't even open her eyes."
Ellie felt a weird, hesitant feeling in her stomach, something pulling her back, telling her that she was interrupting a private and very personal moment.
She watched as Bucky's fingers trailed over her cheek, brushing over her lips and down her chin to linger over the marks he'd made on her neck.
Even though his fingers had gone to her neck, his eyes were still on her face.
'No,' she reminded herself. 'No. Whatever happens on here- it's all fake. It's a show he's putting on for the audience. None of it is real.' But she couldn't pull herself away from the video.
"She's so beautiful," he murmured, his hand moving down her side. "So beautiful…"
She almost didn't even hear him the second time, his voice was so soft.
That didn't sound like it was meant for anyone but him…
He stayed there for a few moments, his head tilting as he looked down at her, letting his face come into view, then pulled back, taking the used condom from himself and tossing it in the trash.
Ellie skipped it back a bit and paused it so she could study the expression on his face.
She didn't really need to study it; she'd recognized it the first time, and even only a glance told her she was right, but she was having trouble believing what she was seeing.
She didn't need to look up what the look on his face said in some online expression dictionary.
Ellie knew what that look was.
She'd seen enough romcoms to recognize it, and certainly enough to tell when it was real, or if they were acting; it was all in the eyes.
And there it was, written all over his face, in the depths of his eyes.
There was a noise of surprise from the doorway, and Ellie looked up to see Bucky standing there.
… … …
*earlier that morning*
Bucky opened his eyes slowly, pulling his phone to him to turn off his alarm.
His sore eyes could only crack open, and he hit the snooze on the alarm accidentally, but he didn't care. He was finding it hard to care about anything right now.
Not that he didn't care, just that his heart hurt so much that it couldn't handle any more emotion.
His alarm went off again, and he groaned into his pillow.
Why did he have a stupid alarm on, anyway?! He didn't have work.
Realization hit him. He had a doctor's appointment to get released to normal duties.
He groaned again as he hit snooze.
All he wanted to do was mope in bed and try to fix this shit storm he'd caused between Ellie and him.
He laid with his face smashed into his pillow until his alarm went off again, picking his phone up and actually looking at it as he turned it off, his eyes widening, surprised to see that he had a bunch of missed messages from Clint.
He opened them, scrolling back and reading through them in order.
C: Hey, there's a jerk over here hitting on Ellie.
C: Hey, I can't punch this jerk myself.
He'd started out lightly joking, like his normal self, but as Bucky kept reading, the messages turned more and more serious.
C: Where are you?
C: Bucky, get over here.
C: Seriously! Get over here!
C: Hey, asshole, Ellie could really be in trouble!
Bucky could feel his heart clenching in fear, and it was all he could do to stop himself from running to Ellie's room to check on her, forcing himself to finish reading the messages to find out as much information as possible, not wanting to run off without all the knowledge he'd need.
C: Get over here now!
There was a gap in the time stamps, but then, Bucky felt his heart unclench a little at the next message.
C: Ellie's fine. I drove her back to the apartment.
C: I hope getting your dick wet was worth it.
It was Bucky's stomach's turn to clench.
That accusation hurt, but he couldn't blame Clint for believing that he'd be in bed with a woman; it'd happened plenty of times before.
Never at the risk of Ellie's safety, but he'd never really run out of willing bed partners.
He pushed aside the knot in his stomach and kept reading.
C: When are you going to wake up and get your head out of your ass? It's been how many years?
C: Didn't you have good grades in school? Weren't you on the honor roll for like, always? How can you be so fucking stupid?
C: When are you going to figure out that you're in love with her?! A newborn could tell you!
C: Fucking idiot.
Bucky felt the familiar denial push at the idea.
Clint was smart, there was no doubting that, but with this question coming up so much in his mind, he felt like he was too saturated to think objectively about it.
He needed an outside perspective.
He couldn't ask Ellie because, not only was she part of it, but he'd royally fucked things up between them.
He couldn't ask Steve because Steve was a good friend, but he tended to try a little too hard not to hurt Bucky's feelings.
He couldn't just take Clint's word because he was too close to Ellie, and might lean in a direction that he thought would help his cousin to be happy.
He would go to Natasha, but, while she wasn't afraid to tell him the truth, she usually gave things a twist that kept them mysterious. He didn't have time to try to figure out her answer to his question when he was already trying so hard to figure out his feelings.
He needed someone who would give it to him straight, someone who would tell him the truth without worrying about hurting him, but wouldn't be an asshole just to hurt him.
He needed Sam.
Bucky sent a quick message to Pigeon brain, then got ready to go to the doctor's office.
On his way through the living room, his eyes stayed on Ellie's door. He really wanted to check on her, even though Clint's message had told him she was fine.
He steeled himself and continued on his way out.
After proving to the doctor that his arm was better and he was fine, Bucky looked at the message he'd felt buzz during the appointment, but got nervous and ended up rereading his message before actually seeing the reply.
B: Do you think I'm in love with Ellie?
P: Omg! Are you finally figuring that shit out?! I mean, it was pretty damn obvious when you couldn't stand any guy going out with her, and when you dumped all those fine women who got jealous of her spending so much time with THEIR boyfriend. But, you know, I have a brain!
Bucky glared at his phone, but, this was what he'd wanted; someone telling him the truth no matter how much it hurt.
He took the paper from the doctor, telling the office assistant where to fax a copy, and headed back home.
To Ellie.
Who was his home, no matter where she was.
Yeah, it was pretty damn obvious, now.
Especially when he got back and opened the mailbox and pulled out a small rectangular box he'd been waiting for impatiently.
Something he'd gotten specially made, just for her.
Yeah… his feelings were pretty damn obvious, now.
He shook his head at himself as he headed upstairs.
When had he become so blind?
He stuck the small package under his arm as he let himself into the apartment, drifting to his room and tossing his keys on his dresser.
They missed, as his aim faltered in surprise.
"Ellie…" he looked at what she was staring so intently at, and his brows met in confusion. "Why are you watching porn on my computer… in my room…?"
It seemed like a valid question to him, after all, if she wanted to watch porn, she could do it on her phone, and being in his room to do it seemed even stranger.
Instead of answering, she stood up and he saw that she was wearing one of his old work shirts from some company, something he'd given her innocently, but had always felt the urge to smile when he saw her wearing it.
How had he not been able to tell that he was in love with her? All of the signs were smacking him in the face now.
Ellie was studying him, her eyes focused. "Why are you staring at me like you are completely and utterly in love with me?" She shot back.
Shit! Was he?!
Bucky did his best to look neutral. "I- I'm not looking at you like that," he managed, but she lifted a brow at him.