A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 34. Are we going back to the usual bullshit that is called Blood Gulch's normal? Oh yes. Goddammit I miss the Blood Gulch Chronicles. Easily the best seasons of RvB.

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to deal with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 34*

When Leona finally woke up from her hangover, she realized a few things. One, her head hurt as if Tex literally knocked her out. Two, York was done decorating his stolen tree. Three, the banner hanging over it was also clearly stolen, though it was rather obvious as from where.

Nice try, York. She was still able to see the shitty red spray paint where it clearly said Red Team. Crossing it out with a blue 'X' and replacing it with Blue Team was not convincing to anyone save for maybe Caboose. Even that was a bit of stretch.

With a shake of her head she made her way to the top of the base, looking at Tucker and Caboose sitting around in the shade arguing about something. She didn't know and she didn't care. Both of them were fucking idiots in her mind. "Hey, Church? You ever remember what your first Christmas was as…well, as you?"

"I, uh…I think I remember a party?" Church tried to remember. "A lot of faces are nothing more than blurs to me, but I can hear their voices as clear as day. I think York was there, and so was Tex. It was…during Project Freelancer. Before everything went to shit, that is."

"Sounds like it was a good time." Leona chuckled. "To be honest, I can't remember a damn thing. Ever since you were put into my head, I remembered everything about you. I don't know who or what I was. I know we've got a holiday, but you think you can do me a favor once it's done and over with?"

"What?" Church asked.

"I need you to basically enter my head. Find out who I was. I hope I wasn't some science experiment gone wrong or something," Leona answered. "Just help me remember my old life before I was stuck in a shitty box canyon in the middle of bumfuck nowhere."

"…you do realize I could potentially fuck it up, right? I might be an AI, but from what York told me, I'm missing like thirty different pieces. How do we know I won't see it and tamper with it?" Church was worried? If it was a different kind of scenario she might have laughed at the concept.

But, he was right to be worried. Entering someone else's head and trying to see their memories was something that could go very bad. Sort of what happened to that one guy Leona kept seeing flashes of, Washington. When she had asked Tex what happened to him, she told her and didn't look like she wanted to remember it. Washington's implantation went bad and his own AI went insane inside his head, losing control. The same thing could potentially happen to her if they weren't careful.

"Yes, I'm sure," Leona finally said. "Look, I want to know. I don't even know who or what I was until we split. All of my memories prior are yours."

"You want York here to help? He's good at hacking into tech and can probably find a few databases on us," Church said. "End of the day, it's your head. Your mind, your choice."

"Sure. Maybe if we find anything we don't have to have you go into my head." The blue haired woman shrugged. "Hopefully this shit works."

BOOM!

"For fuck's sake, what is it now!?" She let out an exasperated groan and grabbed a sniper rifle, storming outside with an irritated growl. If it wasn't Caboose nearly teamkilling her, it was the fucking Reds trying to murder her and take their flag. Fuck her life.

"Uh, Leona? We have a problem!" Tucker yelled, stumbling in with his head in his hands. "There was something that exploded outside and I think it might be a rocket launcher."

BOOM! BOOM!

"…that doesn't sound like a rocket," Leona said, slowly lowering her rifle. "Wait a second…is that whistling? Fireworks? Where the hell did we get those?"

"Dude, I don't fucking know. I was unconscious."

"…good point."

With a sigh Leona headed outside, her rifle still in her hands. When she poked her head out, she saw York running towards her with the grin of a kid who had been told to go crazy at a toy store plastered on his face. Three seconds later, she watched a rocket soar into the sky and explode with a thunderous boom. "…huh. I definitely was not expecting that. Where the hell did you get fireworks from?"

"Ah, I stole them from the Reds when I was out borrowing their Christmas decorations." York grinned. "In all fairness I left them proper compensation."

"Hey, who in Sam hell left a goddamn jug of oil lying around!? At least spill it so Grif can break his neck!" Sarge kicked the can with an annoyed growl. Stupid soldiers. Don't know good murder tools when they see them.

"And where the fuck is our tree!? It took me two weeks worth of pay to be able to afford it!" Simmons wailed.

"Shut up Simmons. You borrowed it from a homeless man on the bus." Grif took a drag on his cigarette.

"Dear God, I hate all of you. I just want to go back home." Wyoming sighed and wished he spent the rest of his life in a cave instead of getting roped into this bullshit.

"Quit your bitching," Sarge snapped. He glared at the note someone had slapped onto the side of the oil jug, reading it. "Dear Red Team. Sorry I stole your Christmas decorations; we needed them for our own base. They do look pretty. Also, we took the fireworks, but don't worry; we left you a present as an apology. It's in the armory. Trust me, you'll thank me later. Signed, York."

Wyoming stopped. Wait, York was here? And he was on the opposite team aiding them? That little cocksucker…he got to at least enjoy some fireworks to deal with the headaches the simulation troopers caused. Fuck you, York. Fuck you and that cow you call a girlfriend.

The white armored Freelancer's moustache swirled menacingly under his helmet and he stormed off. He was cross before, but now he was rather pissed off.

"Fuck you," he growled.

"Hey!" Donut gasped.

"Fuck all of you." Wyoming glared.

"So, how pissed do you think they are?" York asked cheekily.

"Really. I'm surprised they're not coming with that stupid Warthog of theirs with guns blazing yelling, 'Attack!' Fucking idiots." Leona rolled her eyes.

"ATTACK!" Sarge roared, slamming the Warthog fully into the side of Blue Base.

…

"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me." Leona groaned. "I hate to be the one to say it, but you guys have literally the shittiest timing ever."

"Dude, don't rope me in," Grif said in frustration. "This was his idea, not mine. I just work here."

"Ever consider switching sides? We have bunk beds and working Wi-Fi too."

"…now I am tempted."

"Silence, traitor!" Sarge barked, aiming the Warthog's machinegun. "You lying traitors made us think that we could all just…coexist and be a little…purple!"

"The fuck are you on about?" Leona asked. "Where are you going with this? What the fuck is going on?"

"You stole my goddamn tree!" Sarge said angrily.

Oh. That.

Yeah, she didn't have time for this shit today.

"We're making you give it back!" the angry sergeant continued.

"Really?" Leona smirked and looked back at their fully functioning tank. "Hey, Sheila? Make them go away."

"Firing main cannon."

She watched as the Reds went soaring to the other side of the canyon, their ruined Warthog tumbling in a heap of metal after them. "Good work. So, barring any further intrusions from the dumbasses, what do you say we go back indoors? And stay clothed this time, please, for the love of God."

"No promises."

"…I fucking hate you sometimes."

"Oh come on, it's not like you don't remember having one, right?" York laughed as Leona took a swipe at him. "Ha, missed. Still too slow."

"Oh do shut up." Leona folded her arms with a huff. "By the way, I need a favor from you. How good are you at hacking into secure databases?"

"I am known to do it on the occasion." York smirked. "Why, you want to find out how to build a bomb to get rid of Caboose?"

"Nah, I'm saving him in case we ever run out of food." She shook her head. "More like I want to find out who I was before me and Alpha split. I can remember all the shit from Project Freelancer, but nothing about who I was before that. I just want to know who I was without having to ask Church to go into my head and give my brain a jolt. I don't want to turn out retarded like that blue baby." She motioned towards Caboose.

"Seems fair enough," the Freelancer conceded. "I'll see what I can dig up. Just a heads up, though. Project Freelancer sort of…hates it when people who are have deserted go after their property. Just saying. Still want to know?"

"Yes."

"Gotcha. I'll set to work when I can. Hopefully you'll find what you're looking for."

"Yeah…me too."

CRASH!

"What the…?" Leona sighed.

"The fucking tree fell! Goddammit!" Tucker groaned.

Never a dull moment.

A/N: Yeah, my bad for leaving this on delay. I haven't had all that much time to do shit. Work, streams, real life, yeah they've all hit me at a bad time. So sorry if anything seems to take forever. Can't do much about that, I'm afraid.

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