713 Grace

"There is infinite hope but not for us" Franz Kafka

Jack O'Neill was a professional; he thought of Samantha Carter as one of his soldiers but damn! She was beautiful and so smart, saving their asses time after time. Totally supportive yet not afraid to let him know just what she thought, professionally at least. And right now she was missing.

In their past he could already see he was getting too close when he could not bear the thought of Jolinar in Carter. Infected by a Goa'uld they did not have the ability to extract.

And then there was the need to protect her in the naquadah mines of the pseudo Goa'uld Pyrus. There was not enough food, the water was filthy. To protect her at night she slept tucked into his side between him and Teal'c but as she said Teal'c gave her a funny buzzy feeling.

His jealousy flared when he saw Martouf and Sam together. He knew he had to tamp down his feelings. He brushed it off, he was just protecting his team but he was truly not that delusional.

Even while his mind was clouded with the knowledge of the Ancients he saved her. Before saving himself he saved her.

When they went back in time to the late sixty he gravitated toward her. She was the smart one and she could get them back. But tactics were his forte, they needed a fall back position in case they never made it back. And he found himself thinking about her, about a life with her.

He couldn't begin to explain how he felt when they told him she was dead. Those bastards in Hathor's mock up SGC told him his whole team was dead and everyone he had ever known or cared about. He wasn't sure at that point if he had the will to live. But he found her... and Daniel too. And when they put the symbiote in him and he thought the absolute worst fate had befallen him. When death would have been preferable, she came back, she came back and saved him. He found his breath coming in ragged gasps thinking of the relief of being in her arms, the warmth of her holding him keeping him from the edge of the abyss.

Then not a few months later they saw her double stroll in, grieving for her husband – another him. This was the damned second time – Daniel told them of the first. He had thought Daniel was pulling his leg at first. Like a fool he kissed the woman, this not-Sam. Well, in truth, she kissed him and he didn't turn away. Sam, his Carter saw them and he only knew that because she didn't look him in the face for weeks.

But she seemed to take his actions in stride – trying to protect her from the bounty hunter and in hell. Jack wondered 'Who, tell me, who goes to hell willingly and gets to leave. My life is so damned strange.'

And then there was Edora, the less said the better. He gave up, gave up searching, gave up the hope of ever going back, gave up his old life, gave up everything and moved on and he hurt two women he cared about.

Another planet Euronda, if he never thought about it again would be too soon. The look she gave him on the ramp seared through him. He would have done it again and he had no need to explain to her or anyone under his command but god almighty he wanted her to understand. He found out she did. He overheard her talking to Daniel. He loved her more for it. No way he could love her – not allowed, not permitted. He couldn't admit this to himself – too dangerous to even give it acknowledgment. Who the hell was he fooling - only himself.

Then that whole za'tarc mess and he had to say it out loud and she knew. He guessed he wasn't as stealthy as he thought. She felt something too but she was better at obscuring it in words . It's hard to know someone loves you and then just shunt it aside.

Okay, okay, on one of Groundhog's endless days he kissed her. He needed to know what her words didn't quite say. From the way she kissed back he had no doubts. Maybe he would have been better off not knowing.

He was sure that's why Jonas and Thera had such a torrid...Oh Christ, why can't you get a memory wipe when you need one?

That Goa'uld pleasure palace they were like magnets one minute barely able to overcome the attraction, another barely able to tolerate one another.

Then that damned thing, it was like a fucking Goa'uld, it took over her body and was destroying her mind. He couldn't let it do that. He would kill it and every damned one of them. He couldn't let it destroy the base, the Earth. He destroyed it and almost himself in the process. She survived but he almost didn't. Hammond didn't quite come out and say anything but he knew, and Jack knew that he knew and it was not acceptable no matter how he tried to dissemble.

And then they met their doubles again, the robot ones. He saw her die for her team and for them. Jack saw their O'Neill die when he knew his team, his Carter had died. Maybe he could have been saved by bringing him back to Harlan but he hadn't asked. He thought of himself in the robot's position – mission accomplished but his team, his Carter, dead. He supposed death would be welcomed too. They brought them all back to Harlan. He didn't know what he did with them and he didn't want to know.

Kidnapped, nearly drowned, and on and on. So much danger, so many chances to lose her and none to have her. Did it wear on her as it did on him? Yeah, they were both adrenaline junkies and thrived on their insane jobs but there are moments when you need the touch of another. Someone to hold and hold you when it all got too damn much to bear.

Dwelling on the past was an exercise in futility, Sam Carter was missing right damn now.

Jack

It wasn't as though he didn't give a shit about all the men and women – the crew of the Prometheus that was lost. Others went on about the ship – how incredibly expensive it was and first of its kind, lost in the vast waste of space.

He just about hated that damn accursed ship. It was trouble from even before it was commissioned, hijacked by Simmons and Conrad, then that delightful trip to the world of Replicators and then on it's shakedown cruise blowing it's Naquadria reactor. They should have scrapped the POS.

No, it wasn't the ship, it wasn't the crew, it was Carter he wanted, no, he needed to bring home. She was barely healed from her last mission. He couldn't stand the thought of never seeing her again – not ever knowing what had happened to her. She couldn't just be gone.

Hammond called O'Neill into his office and told him to close the door. The general said he understood but Jack was about to blow his entire career and perhaps any chance of looking for Carter. Before he had enough sense to clench his jaw and keep his mouth shut, Jack was on a rip.

"She shouldn't be on that damn ship. At best it was limping back here. Wasn't she supposed to be working on that thing Daniel brought back? And that damn ship has been a disaster, nothing but trouble..."

"You know very well, Colonel, that the Tok'ra have taken that thing to do the initial studies. And might I add good riddance.

Major Carter requested to accompany the Prometheus current mission in order to observe and study a...a nebula." General Hammond said. "Jack, I need you to help find them, all of them."

"Yes Sir."

He had been so angry and frustrated – they sent him on a fool's errand, sent him to find the ship, one relatively tiny ship in a vast universe. Not only him but a large contingent of the SGC teams and a Tok'ra ship scoured a vast swath of the galaxy looking for that ship. He was smart enough not to be hopeful. He didn't think he could go out again. Go out again and find nothing. The futility of looking for her, for them, and finding nothing. Each time he set out he was filled with dread, expecting to find nothing at all, never to know. If he was monumentally lucky would he find the ship, only to find it had crashed with all hands lost, her dead, lost to him. Or find debris, traces of her ship, only traces of a brilliant woman. More than likely somewhere she was adrift in space and he had no way of helping. This sense of impotence fueled his anger and frustration. And a desperate feelings of dread and loss. Would the only traces of Carter be found in the shards of his broken heart? He didn't think he could bear it.

Even the stoic Teal'c tried to comfort him. He had been out of control.

Of course Hammond understood, he was a human being, he had people he loved. So Hammond talked – Carter's career, Jack's career, like Jack gave a rat's ass about that right now, bases morale, yadda, yadda, yadda. And Jack 'yes sired' him.

But now, now he sat staring at her asleep in an Infirmary bed, safe, close enough to touch.

Sam

She was alone now.

When she woke to find him sitting there, she had been dreaming about him, dreaming of kissing him. And he balked at her calling him Jack. She was so embarrassed. He tried to gloss over it but still...

Why couldn't she get over him, put him behind her and move on.

He was a guy just like a thousand other guys. He could play the part of a jerk. Matter of fact, at times he played the part so well it made her grind her teeth. Maybe it was who he really was and the rest was role playing.

No. He could be the consummate professional when he wanted to or needed to. He could handle almost any type of aircraft, domestic or alien, and manage any situation. Dealing with people and assorted aliens didn't phase him, well not too much. He only mangled names to show disinterest or disrespect - contemp with a smile on his face.

He was the perfect combat officer – able to use his men like chess pieces, place them in the line of fire and allow them to die for his 'just cause'.

No, that wasn't it at all. She had seen the toll it placed on him when he lost a man. She saw the anger he used to hide the pain.

She saw him stand up first when push came to shove.

And when it came to her, his protectiveness was at times overwhelming. He walked between her with the alien in her house and Simmons, between a Jaffa from hell (Netu) and her, and he was shot down both times, figuratively and actually.

When things went to hell he found ways out to save his team. It made her laugh to think of him as the optimist of the group. As he said 'if there is an or there's a way'.

When it was certain she would die behind the force shield he would not leave her. He had left Daniel to die on Klorel's ship. He left Teal'c on Vorash. Both times he had thought all was lost but had a mission to complete. But he waited for Apophis incomplete ship to come crashing down upon them both as he stared at her through the impenetrable shield.

And he offered his body to save her. He offered himself to Nirriti to save her. He was willing to let Anise experiment on him even though he saw what happened to Lt. Astor. And if that didn't work he was willing to let them dissect his brain. What the hell was wrong with him?

She knew the answer then – he loved her. But what about now?

Usually love that flames brightly dies quickly. Was there any spark left?

What was that cliché about being 'all things to all men'. She could not be all things to this one man nor he all things to her. Would that be enough or should it be? Should she be a realist and come to terms with the impossibility of it and let it go. Let go of this dream and find someone who could fulfill what was needed in her life.

Jack

He left her bedside with a warm fuzzy feeling and a promise of cake. But the initial embarrassment came back. She had been dreaming, he could see her eyes darting around under her closed lids. Dreaming of him and when she woke and saw him, well, she called him Jack. And his response was... he should have just ignored it, let it slide. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He needed to keep his distance to protect her. He was so clumsy at this.

The Shindig

In O'Neill's backyard General Hammond rose to say a few words. He was happy the entire SGC had this moment to celebrate the return of Major Carter and of course the entire crew of the Prometheus, and one very pricey ship. In fact it comprised Earth's entire space fleet. It was an afternoon to relax and put the tensions of work aside.

It was a pleasant afternoon at O'Neill's place. People were playing games in the yard – horseshoes and a little touch football. Teal'c couldn't quite be bothered with horseshoes but he could wrap his mind around football – tactics, strategy and destroying your opponents.

O'Neill was incinerating chicken, ribs, hot dogs and burgers and kept busy by the endless streams of plates waved in front of him.

Sam, while enjoying the festivities, was chilly and tired and went inside to trade her untouched bottle of beer for a cup of tea. She sat in the living room to rest and enjoy the quiet.

Teal'c found her dozing on the couch, scrunched up in a tight ball and he tucked the afghan around her. He wanted to tell her of O'Neill's search for her, of his anxiety and frustration and fear. He thought about O'Neill's propensity to put the members of his team above himself. Apophis had controlled his Jaffa through false ideology, forced loyalty, stringent discipline and by control of their families. Was this the same, was this how the Earth military controlled their warriors? But they had the freedom not to choose this path. Teal'c walked back outside into the sun.

Daniel, strolling down the hall after using the restroom, noticed Sam asleep on Jack's sofa. He thought back on the uncertain days of the search. Now that she was back and safe Jack was acting so nonchalant, masking the days of anxiety that made him unbearable to be around. Daniel wondered about all the civilizations Jack encountered while frantic to find her. Daniel would have gotten side tracked and lost in the amazing variety of cultures. Jack was single minded and never let waver his goal of finding her.

For some strange reason a memory from the mind stamp planet popped into his mind. He remembered looking for Jonah and Thera, and found them going at it hot and heavy. He abruptly left the pair. Seeing Jonah the next morning with a self-satisfied grin, sobered up for the 'honor to serve' then caught Thera's eye and both of them grinning as they were off to their assigned tasks.

Daniel wondered why our military made the 'honor to serve' so damned hard on the personal lives of these two. He saw the afghan had puddled half on the floor and picked it up and tucked it around Sam.

Jack popped in the house to find Carter. She seemed different since she came back. Probably was all his fault, the awkward "Jack" "excuse me" idiocy. She had been quiet, distant, all afternoon. Probably still recuperating from the injury and he was reading too much into it. But still…

She looked exhausted a half hour ago when he saw her escape through the sliders to find some peace. He just hoped she hadn't driven home but no chance of that – Daniel had brought her here. And he was in the backyard on his second beer, not fit to drive himself.

Finding his quarry snoozing on the couch he lifted the afghan from the floor and covered her. Jack wanted to forget about the crowd of people in his backyard. They've become kind of noisy, so the touch football game must be getting interesting. Lest the noise disturb her he picked her up and carried her off to the other end of the house.

To hold her in his arms – the relief that she was safe and home flooded his body and mind. The simple pleasure, the joy of holding in your arms a sleeping child or a lover, this visceral pleasure was almost overwhelming. He felt powerful yet humbled and overwhelmed with the emotion of love. Someone would have to trust you so much to lie vulnerable in your arms, safe and secure enough to sleep as you kept at bay the evils haunting this world.

He hesitated, the guestroom was dusty from disuse so he put her in his own bed and tried not to think about the significance.

The Earth was vulnerable and it was the SGC mandate first and foremost to protect this planet. His and all the teams first duty was to defend Earth. Where and when will it end for him? When all was said and done, what will he have – nothing and no one. If he retired to give it a go between them would her reputation still be tarnished by him? Would her career still be affected? It was a no win situation no matter what he did, so he chose to do nothing. He closed the door against the noise of the happy crowd.

After a good half hour Sam roused but snuggled into the cozy bed, feeling safe at last. The ship, the cloud and the girl came to mind – still a mystery. The fear and the headache were gone. So to the groaning sound of the disintegrating ship and its acrid smell. She could barely make out the sounds from the yard of enjoyment. The subtle aroma of the pillow reminded her of the Colonel, filling her with a sense of security.

What had Teal'c meant by vigilance? Wasn't she normally vigilant? Was she hyper-vigilant?

And Daniel – to see what was in front of her – did she always miss the most obvious? Had she lost her ability to enjoy what was in front of her?

Dad – was he right? Did she need to look beyond ambition and career? Was she sublimating the fact that she desperately wanted to be loved. Did she need to let go in order to love and be loved in return? Let go of what? Or was it who?

And Jack, he was Jack, he was the only one out of uniform. He looked totally relaxed, and totally confident in her. He told her to save herself. Should she be more selfish about what she needed? Would he always be there? Or was she fooling herself?