"Bilba? Can I speak to you?"
Bilba raised her head from studying Ash, who was sleeping in her arms, and focused on Priscilla. The other woman was standing in the doorway to her room, hesitating just outside the door.
"Of course," Bilba said. "Come in."
Priscilla stepped through the door, grabbed one of the chairs near the desk and dragged it over to where Bilba was curled up against her headboard. "Where's your other son?" she asked as she sat down.
"Frerin," Bilba said with a small smile, recognizing Prisicalla hadn't been able to tell who she was holding. "With Fili," Bilba said. "We're trying to spend as much time-" Her throat clogged and she took a moment to gather herself. "We're all trying to spend as much time with them as possible before we have to leave. Fili and Frerin are very close so…" she trailed off as her eyes began to burn, gesturing helplessly with one hand.
"I understand," Priscilla said, her eyes sad. "I – I actually wanted to talk to you about them."
"Okay," Bilba said. In her arms Ashrin stirred, slowly waking up. He blinked, noticed his mother holding him and gave her a dazzling smile. He looked around, looking for his brother Bilba imagined, but, upon not seeing him, Ash was content to pick up the edge of the blanket and start sucking on it, babbling happily as he did.
"Seth and I have been talking," Priscilla said, "and – well, we wanted to offer to look after the boys for you."
Bilba blinked in surprise. "You have a family back in the Shire. You can't stay here."
"I know," Priscilla said. "We'd take them back with us. I thought we could ask Lord Elrond if he would mind providing an escort… once it's safe of course." She hesitated. "I've heard the others talking. They think those creatures – the Nazgul – will follow you once they realize you've left. After that we should be able to go home again. I thought we could take the boys with us when we do."
Bilba absently pulled her knees up, balancing Ash on them in much the same way she'd seen Thorin doing before. She wrapped Ash's tiny hands around her fingers and he promptly began trying to pull himself up. He didn't get very far but behaved as if he'd just slayed a dragon every time, squealing with happiness.
"I've been exiled." Bilba reminded the other woman. "I can't go back."
"The boys weren't," Priscilla said. She shifted, rearranging herself on the chair. "And once you return you can come get them, no one is going to drive you away. Or you could always send their father or one of those Princes of yours."
Bilba looked down at Ash, a hollow feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. "And what if we don't come back?"
"Then we'll raise them just as we raised you," Priscilla said immediately. "They'll be safe, Bilba. You're going off to save the world. This is the least we can do."
"I'm going to try and save the world," Bilba whispered. She frowned. "They aren't aging like hobbits, Priscilla. It may be decades before they're grown and you-" She trailed off, not wanting to insult the other woman.
"I overheard that the other dwarf, Dwalin, is being sent back to Erebor," Priscilla said. "I imagine he'll tell them about the boys. Those two Princes of yours, Fili and Kili, they've mentioned their mother and I heard she's the one currently in charge at Erebor. She did an amazing job with her sons and I have no doubt she'd do the same for Ash and Frerin. We can stay in touch, send them for visits and, if the time comes where Seth and I can no longer care properly for them we can send them to Erebor permanently." She took a deep breath, having gotten all of that out in one, rushed breath. "They'll be safe," she finished. "They'll have a long list of people waiting in line to care for them."
Bilba suppressed a laugh at the tactful way Priscilla had mentioned overhearing the conversation between Thorin and Dwalin. Bilba was fairly sure all of Rivendell and the surrounding area had heard that particular argument. Thorin believed it was important for Erebor to know about the threat of Sauron and the ring as well as where he planned to be for the foreseeable future. He also felt the message was so important it was imperative it be delivered in person by someone he trusted and by someone Erebor would trust and listen to.
In other words, Dwalin.
Dwalin, on the other hand, believed his place was beside his king and best friend. It was his duty to protect Thorin and a quest to Mordor was pretty much the definition of something requiring his presence.
The argument had been two days earlier, when the council had taken place. Thorin had gotten his way in the end but things had been strained between him and Dwalin since.
She swallowed, watching Ash. The very last thing she wanted was for him to be raised by anyone other than her, but it wasn't about her.
She started to open her mouth to agree only to stop as she remembered that Ash and Frerin had two involved parents now, not just one.
"I'll have to speak to Thorin about it," she said, "but, assuming he agrees…I think your plan sounds good. Thank you, Priscilla." She gave a small smile. "I'll have to show you how to tell them apart though first."
Priscilla laughed. "That would probably be a good thing."
It would be nice, she thought, for the boys to be in the Shire. They were half hobbit after all and there were more children there that they would be able to play with as they grew older. They would also be raised by people she knew and trusted rather than being looked after by all of Rivendell. She had no doubt the elves would do a good job but she would prefer they had specific people to look to rather than an entire group.
Priscilla nodded, her face relaxing. "Good. That's good then." She started to say something else but was interrupted by the sound of a knock on the door.
Bilba got up, adjusting Ash so she was holding him in the crook of her arm. She went and opened the door and started in surprise at the sight of Dwalin standing there. He was dressed for the road with a large pack on his back and no expression on his face.
"Can I talk to you?" he asked flatly.
"Seems to be the day for it," Bilba responded dryly.
Priscilla cleared her throat loudly, alerting Dwalin to her presence. She came up behind Bilba, clearly unsure as to whether she should stay or go.
"It's okay," Bilba said. "I'll speak to Thorin."
"Okay." Priscilla put an arm around her, hugging her, before giving Dwalin a pointed look. He stepped back to allow her to pass.
Bilba also used the opportunity to leave, pulling the door shut behind her. The room had been growing stuffy and she'd been starting to feel the urge to get out. Now she sighed in relief at the light breeze. It was a beautiful day, she could almost pretend everything was normal and there weren't Nazgul surrounding Rivendell and a quest to the most evil place in Middle Earth looming on the horizon.
"Do you know where Thorin is?"
"Elrond's, I believe," Dwalin said. "He and the rest of them are planning the route."
Bilba started walking. Ash waved his hands at the trees arching over them, trying to grab the leaves as they fluttered in the breeze. It made Bilba think of him and Frerin older, scrambling up trees to play and her heart twisted.
Dwalin had fallen in alongside her and she took a deep breath and said. "I can't do anything for you."
He frowned. "What?"
Bilba sighed and stopped, turning to face him. "I can't change Thorin's mind about you coming with us or going to Erebor. That's why you're here, isn't it? That argument is between the two of you. I'm not getting in the middle of it."
"That's not why I'm here," he said. "I'm heading out now to go back to Erebor. I already spoke to Thorin and Fili and Kili. I wanted to speak to you last, before I left." He scowled. "I know an apology is poor recompense but I didn't want you going off to that Valar cursed place without hearing it anyway." He took a deep breath, looking suddenly nervous which was not at all an expression she would have ever thought she'd see Dwalin have. "I'm sorry," he said shortly. "I should have stood up for you and the boys at Erebor. I didn't and I have to live with that. You deserved better, so did Fili and Kili."
He stopped. Bilba waited for a few moments but he didn't continue, no excuses, no "but this" or "but that", no trying to spread blame or lessen his own. He hadn't even asked her for her forgiveness, she realized. He wasn't looking for anything from her or seeking absolution.
He was just apologizing.
Bilba sighed, a good portion of her anger at him dissipating much as it had done with Thorin when he'd apologized. Dwalin was trying to part with her on good terms. He knew how dangerous their journey would be and the very good odds that they wouldn't return at all. He didn't want to watch her walk to her potential doom without trying to reconcile with her first.
"I accept your apology, Dwalin," she said quietly, "and I wanted to add my thanks. I never told you before. You and Dain protected me during the battle, at great risk to your own lives. Thank you." It counted for something, a lot to be honest. He'd let her down with Thorin but not after. He and Dain would have had a far easier time of it simply abandoning her and focusing on their own safety. They had never even considered it, however, but had closed ranks around her and worked together to protect her.
He wasn't perfect but, then, neither was she. She'd charged into the mountain to confront Smaug without consulting any of them, forcing them to rush in after her. It wasn't the first time she'd made a mistake and wouldn't be the last. Yes, he'd hurt her and she still felt anger and distrust but, in the end, people were willing to forgive her so…
Dwalin looked relieved. "The others considered writing letters asking the same but they decided you and the boys deserved to hear it in person. They were waiting for you to come back."
"Please tell them I forgive them as well," Bilba said. The words were difficult to get out, especially when she thought of Nori, but she forced them anyway. Now was not the time for grudges. She understand where Dwalin was coming from. They had all been her friends once and, if things didn't turn out the way she wished, she didn't want their last memories of her to be tainted with the knowledge she had died angry at them.
"I will," Dwalin promised, "though I don't promise they'll accept it without hearing it from you personally."
He lapsed into silence and Bilba shifted awkwardly. "Are you going to be alright? With the Nazgul around?"
"Elrond's sending some of his people with me for a way," Dwalin said. "But they don't think there will be a problem. The creatures can sense the cursed thing, they'll know it's still here."
"Of course," Bilba whispered. They would feel when she left and would come after her then. A cold feeling settled in her bones and she tightened her grip around Ash who obliviously continued to babble and reach for the shifting patches of light cast through the breaks in the trees.
She looked at Dwalin and found him studying Ash. "They do look just like him."
Bilba smiled in affection at Ash. "Given our personalities I worry over how much of a handful they'll be when they get older."
"It won't matter," Dwalin said, "They'll be cared for, here or in Erebor. Thorin's sister will see to it, as will I. You have my word on that."
Bilba blinked in surprise. "Thank you. Priscilla and Seth have offered to look after them as well. It's good to know they'll be safe in case…" She trailed off. She lifted her head and looked Dwalin in the eye, trying to convey a sense of calm and determination even though she felt the exact opposite. "I wish you luck and safety on your journey home, Dwalin."
He inclined his head, the action looking more like a bow than a farewell gesture. "To you as well, Bilba. I'll look to your return at Erebor, all of you."
"Valar willing," Bilba replied.
There was little to say after that and so they parted, Dwalin's steps taking him to Erebor while hers would soon take her to Mordor. It was somewhat strained and still awkward to say good-bye to him because, forgiveness or not, the wound was still raw but Bilba had hope it would be different the next time she saw him.
She had hope there would be a next time.
After he left she continued on and, as promised, soon found Thorin in one of the rooms in Elrond's home. She imagined it was normally used as a dining room of sorts for there was a large table dominating the center. Maps were sprawled out over it and Thorin, Elrond, Glorfindel and Aragorn were gathered around it.
"The message went out yesterday," Elrond was saying, "with one of our fastest riders. With any luck he'll meet you on your way and be able to give aid."
"What are you talking about?" Bilba asked as she approached. Thorin noticed Ash and his eyes lit up. Wordlessly Bilba went and transferred the baby over to Thorin, who immediately settled him in the curve of one arm. Ash, already small, was nearly swallowed up by his father's arm and Bilba idly wondered just how big her sons would be one day.
"We've sent word to Saruman," Elrond explained. "The aid of the White Wizard will be invaluable."
"We've decided to take a route through the Gap of Rohan," Glorfindel added. "There is always the chance our message won't get through and this route will allow us to go near Isengard and seek help in person if needed."
"We can then cross through Rohan," Thorin broke in. "The lands are relatively safe there. After that it's a fairly straight shot to Mordor."
"You make it sound so straightforward," Bilba said, "but it's anything but." She frowned, studying the maps. "What side of the mountains will we be traveling on?"
"This side," Aragorn broke in. "Glorfindel and I both have great experience and knowledge of the land here. It's also generally far safer on this side of the Misty Mountains and it prevents us having to cross and add needless danger to our trek."
"So we'll be crossing through Eregion?" Bilba asked. "Won't that bring us to close to Moria?"
Thorin caught what she was saying and shook his head. "There is a door into the mountain near where we will be passing but it has long been sealed and the orcs cannot open it. The battle that took place there many years ago was on the other side of the Misty Mountains, at the front gates of Khazad-dum. Though I can't guarantee we won't be bothered by orcs we won't have any anything to fear from Moria itself."
"Okay." Bilba said. She knew Eregion was a quiet and peaceful, albeit rather empty land, as was Dunland after that, being populated only by the hillmen. The hillmen were a bit more dangerous but were scattered and tended to stay in the hills. As long she and the rest of the group stayed near the mountains they should be safe enough. From talking to Fili and Kili she knew Thorin and the other refugees from Erebor had lived in the area before eventually leaving for the Blue Mountains. She looked at him and asked, "Do you remember enough of your time in Dunland to get us through safely?"
"I do," he said. He was barely paying attention, focused on Ash who'd decided his favorite pastime was gnawing on Thorin's hair. He'd been chewing on a lot of things lately, which led her to believe he might be getting ready to start teething, another thing she'd miss.
Bilba tore her eyes away from the portion of the map depicting Mordor and let out a huff of air. "Alright, then it looks like we have our path laid out. When are we leaving?"
"Tomorrow," Elrond said.
It felt like she'd been punched in the gut. Bilba gave a small gasp and her hands convulsed in fists at her side. She looked at the floor, trying to gather herself and then lifted her head again. The others were staring at her, their eyes compassionate, and she turned away from them, knowing she wouldn't be able to hold herself together otherwise. She put a hand on Thorin's shoulder and tried to force her voice to remain calm and steady. "In that case, I need to talk to you about an idea Priscilla had, if you have a moment."
"Of course," Thorin said.
Bilba turned to leave and he followed her and with every step they took all Bilba could hear was the steady tick of her pocket watch counting down the final moments she would have with her sons.
It wasn't enough time
It would never be enough time.
Thorin was agreeable to Priscilla's idea, probably happy about the prospect of the twins not being raised by elves.
He returned to the council and she went to find Priscilla to let her know.
After she returned to her room. Thorin eventually returned Ash to her and Fili brought Frerin soon after.
She didn't attend dinner, her appetite having fled. Instead she sat in her room next to Ash and Frerin's crib and watched them sleep.
For most of the night.
She got her sketchpad at one point and drew them, wanting to lock down the final sight of them she might ever see. Once the drawing was done she ripped it out, folding it and slid it into an inside pocket of her vest, near her heart. She didn't pack her sketchpad. It was unlikely she'd have much time to draw where she was going.
The candles burned out one by one around her but she couldn't bring herself to leave her sons long enough to light them again. So she sat in darkness and listened to them or put a hand on their chests and felt them breathe. She tried to imprint everything about them, every last detail until it was engrained on her soul.
When dawn finally started to bring light back to the room, drawing her eyes to the large pack waiting for her in one corner, she was still there, watching them.
A quiet knock sounded on her door and she rose, wiping a hand across her face and trying to clear any lingering signs of the emotions she'd gone through the night before.
She expected it to be Fili or Kili, or possibly Thorin, and was startled to open the door to find Adalgrim.
"Adalgrim," she said shortly. "I'm really not in the mood to deal with you right now. Go away."
"I'm going with you."
Bilba paused for a moment, sure she'd misheard. "You're what?"
"Going with you," Adalgrim repeated. "To Mordor."
"I didn't think it was to Bree," Bilba replied, sharper than she intended. "What are you talking about? You've made it very clear how you feel about this whole thing, and about how badly you want to go back to the Shire."
"I do want to go back," Adalgrim said, "but it's my world too. My wife and children who will be in danger if you fail."
"And mine," Bilba said, her ire starting to rise. "What? You think you're the only one capable and you have to go with us to make sure we don't screw it up?"
"I think you're making a mistake," Adalgrim agreed. "The ring is powerful, Bilba. Why do we have to fear these Nazgul or Sauron or anyone at all when we have it?"
Bilba tensed. One of her hands went to an outer pocket of her coat. Since realizing what the ring was she'd wrapped it up in a handkerchief, tied it with twine and put it in her pocket. She still felt its effects to an extent but not as strong as when she'd worn it against her skin and, since she knew what to look for now, it wasn't as effective.
Yet anyway.
"I don't believe this is you," she said now, "I think the ring is affecting you, Adalgrim. It's making you believe things that aren't true, like the idea that the ring could ever be used for anything other than evil. It's playing on your fears, exactly like it did to me, making you paranoid, convincing you everything is going to go wrong."
At least she thought that was what was happening. The thought made her feel ill. What if it started doing the same to the others? Started affecting them and making them want to take the ring for themselves?
Damn it…she scowled and pulled her hand out of her pocket, having not even realized she'd had it curled around the handkerchief and ring. Immediately the fear and paranoia faded. Fili and Kili had been with her for over a year and had shown no problems around the ring, most of the others had been with her for months on the journey home or in Rivendell and had, likewise, been fine.
She had been affected in large part because she didn't know what was happening and Adalgrim…Adalgrim was being affected because he was already terrified, already paranoid. The ring had seen the weakness in him and was exploiting it.
"You're not listening," Adalgrim said suddenly, taking a step forward until he was in her space. "You're the one not making sense! You want to carry the ring straight to Sauron when I'm saying it could save us all!"
"Back off." The voice came from behind Adalgrim, a deep, familiar baritone currently edged with steel. Bilba let out a sigh of relief, her shoulders coming down fractionally from where they'd been up near her ears.
Adalgrim stepped away and Thorin came into view, moving until he was standing next to Bilba.
"You aren't going," Thorin said shortly.
"It isn't up to you," Adalgrim responded sharply. "It isn't up to any of you. That's why we had the Council, right? So all the races of Middle Earth could attend? Well-" here he spread his arms, "consider me the representative for the Shire."
"Wouldn't that be Bilba?" a new voice asked and Fili was walking up with Kili a few steps behind him.
"She's an exile," Adalgrim responded. "The Shire doesn't consider her a hobbit anymore so she can't represent us." He locked eyes with Bilba and, for the first time, seemed to see the fear that she had no doubt was in her eyes. Guilt flashed across his face and he settled somewhat, drawing back another foot from her. To Bilba's surprise, he switched languages, from Common to Hobbitish.
"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you. You love your children and I love mine. I have a wife, a small child and a baby. How can I in good conscience go back home with the knowledge I might not have one in a few months if Sauron succeeds?" He paused, sticking his hands in his pockets, an old habit of his when he was trying to convince someone of something. He thought it made him look earnest. "I disagree with your methods. I think the ring will serve us better used against Sauron rather than being destroyed. But that doesn't mean I don't agree that something must be done. If it is your will, and the will of the Council, that it be destroyed then that is what must be done. Just let me help. It's my world too."
Almost against her will, Bilba found herself nodding slowly. Adalgrim grinned, reminding her of older, happier times, then spun on one heel and strode away.
"You didn't do what I just think you did, did you?" Fili asked.
"He's right," Bilba answered. "I have no right to stop him. I doubt I could even if I tried."
"He wouldn't get far with an arrow in the leg," Kili muttered and Bilba gave a sigh of exasperation.
"What is with you and shooting people in the leg, lately?"
Thorin frowned. "Who else did he want to shoot?"
"No one," Bilba said quickly. "Come on, help me with Ash and Frerin. We have a long way to go. We best get started."
It was a quiet group that gathered several hours later at the front gates of Rivendell.
Priscilla and Seth held Ash and Frerin and Bilba's arms already felt so empty it was nearly physically painful. She struggled to keep herself under control, not wanting her sons' last sight of her to be one of her crying.
Aragorn was off a way speaking to a young woman, Lord Elrond's daughter, Arwen. Bilba had met her a few times and knew she and Aragorn were deeply in love.
Glorfindel and Legolas were talking to Elrond while, a few feet away, Kili and Fili were conspiring about something or other, their heads close together and their voices too low for her to pick up. Thorin stood off by himself and Beorn, in bear form, was lounging just outside the gates.
Adalgrim was by his parents, his pack slung over one shoulder. Priscilla was red eyed and Seth looked grim. Bilba could imagine how that discussion had gone. She stepped forward and hugged Priscilla, carefully, to avoid squishing Ashrin.
"I'll look after him," she promised.
Priscilla hugged her back. "I know you will. Your boys will be safe, I promise." She paused, and then nodded suddenly toward Thorin. "I'm starting to think I may have misjudged him."
"In my anger I probably didn't help your perceptions," Bilba admitted. She shot a look toward Thorin and then away again. "No one should have to be judged by their lowest moment, particularly when they had a ring helping them along in it."
"True enough." Priscilla gave a slight smile. "Had I known he was your type I wouldn't have wasted so much time trying to introduce you to nice young hobbits in the Shire."
"It was no waste," Bilba said. "I didn't even know he was my type."
Priscilla nodded. "I hear he wants to prove himself to you. Are you going to give him a chance?"
Bilba gave her an incredulous look. "I'm not sure a journey to Mount Doom is the time for it."
"It might be the only time you have," Priscilla said, her eyes darkening, "don't throw it away simply because of how it might end." She gave a small, watery, laugh. "It's your own decision of course, though, don't mind me. I just want you happy." She hugged Bilba. "I'll see you when you return."
When, not if. Bilba nodded, her eyes already tearing up.
The rest of the good-byes went quickly and then Glorfindel was stepping back and saying, "We await the Ringbearer."
Bilba gave a tight laugh. "If the so-called Ringbearer were capable of getting herself to Mordor she wouldn't need you lot."
Glorfindel smiled. "Fair enough."
With great age came great practicality so, without further fanfare, he simply started walking. The rest of the group fell in behind him and, just like that, the journey to Mordor had begun.
Bilba cast one last look at her boys and then deliberately turned away, setting her eyes in the direction of Mount Doom.
It was hard, her vision watering so badly she could barely see where she was going.
Arms slid around her and she saw Fili and Kili on either side of her, their arms wrapped around her waist. Both of them had eyes as red rimmed as hers, though they were doing a far better job of keeping it together than she was. Thorin walked a few feet ahead on her left, his face grim and his body set. To many it might have seemed he was simply determined but Bilba knew him well enough to recognize he was as upset as they were. He simply hid it. He was a lot like Fili in that respect, both of them feeling they needed to be strong and to set their own feelings aside in order to be a support for others.
For her part, Bilba had never been good at hiding her emotions no matter how hard she tried.
And, so, with every step they took farther away from her sons the more the tears fell until she was nearly sobbing. She kept her head up, her footsteps steady and stayed upright but only because Fili and Kili were holding her up.
The three of them fell to the back and the rest of the group gave her space, allowing her to grieve in as much privacy as could be afforded on the road.
And so began the road to destroy the ring of power and end the threat of Sauron.
A long road.
And all Bilba could do was pray it would not be her last.