TW: Self Harm

"Another secret of the universe: Sometimes pain was like a storm that came out of nowhere. The clearest summer could end in a downpour. Could end in lightning and thunder."
― Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Now

Emily was surprised to see the JJ standing in front of her door a week after their fight holding two grocery bags ''I'd figure you'd need some food'' JJ said as she walked passed Emily without saying anything else ''I've managed'' Emily shrugged as she watched JJ pull open the fridge.

''Eating Chinese take-out for breakfast, lunch and dinner isn't managing'' JJ sighed as she placed vegetables in the fridge. ''Mmmh'' sighed Emily as she took a seat on the bar stool next to the kitchen counter, '' God Emily, you were malnourished when you were in the hospital. Maybe try to take care of yourself for once'' JJ snapped.

''You've been here, what? A minute? And you're already snapping at me. Wonderful'' Emily smiled sarcastically, ''I'm sorry'' JJ sighed ''I worry''. ''We talked about this JJ, you don't need to worry about me right now. I need to work on me alone'' Emily said.

''No, we did not that talk about that Emily. You told me I needed to leave and then you ignored all my calls'' JJ pointed out, ''I've been busy with therapy'' Emily shrugged. ''Don't you dare hide behind the therapy you despise, I've known you longer than this Emily''.

''You don't know anything about me JJ'' Emily snapped, ''what happened to us?'' JJ sighed, ''we can't go a second without yelling at each other''. Emily's mind worked overtime at that statement, it had been her love confession that had rattled their friendship. But JJ ignoring it had rattled Emily.

''I miss us'' JJ whispered as she stepped closer to Emily, she caressed Emily's chin softly with her cold hand. ''Can't we? For old time sake?'' JJ asked, their argument from seconds ago completely forgotten.

Emily whose heart melted at JJ's touch nodded eagerly ''please'' Emily agreed, hoping it would make her feel like the Emily she was before. JJ gently pulled Emily's face in her direction before crashing her lips into Emily's.

Emily lifted JJ up with all the strength she currently had and put her on the kitchen counter, JJ's pencil skirt slid up slightly as Emily stood between her legs, their kiss still unbroken. Emily gently pulled the hair tie out of JJ's hair, she smiled contently when JJ's long blonde hair fell down alongside JJ's face.

Emily held JJ tightly against her as their kiss deepened before she moved her hand to unbutton JJ's white blouse, the blouse was quickly discarded to the kitchen floor. Emily's hands roamed over JJ's red bra before the moved down to JJ's legs.

She stepped back slightly, using her arm to push JJ's legs apart. Her skirt riding up even further, exposing her underwear. Emily knelt down slightly, her cold finger met the inside of JJ's thigh and she caressed it softly before moving her hand up higher. Emily sighed contently when JJ's first moan escaped her lips.

Emily helped JJ of the counter 20 minutes later, both looking equally disheveled as JJ held her hand in front of her breasts as she looked for the bra Emily had thrown behind her. ''Right there'' Emily smirked as she watched JJ dart around the room, looking for all her clothes.

JJ picked her bra up from the coffee machine as she feigned annoyance in Emily's direction. ''What? I was eager'' Emily chuckled, ''and so were you'' she added as she pointed to the hickey on her collar bone. ''Sorry about that'' JJ laughed.

Emily was just about to pull JJ closer again when JJ's phone rang, Emily watched as JJ picked up and had a quick conversation. ''That was Will. Henry has a high fever. I need to get home'' she said, avoiding looking at Emily.

''Aw, I'm sorry'' Emily said as she pushed through the hurt coursing through her body, ''wish the little guy well'' she added. ''I will, I'm sorry Em'' JJ sighed as she placed a soft kiss on Emily's forehead ''so am I'' Emily nodded before following JJ to the front door.

Emily felt crushed once she reached her living room couch again, as though someone was placing bricks all over her body, the exception to that example in her case however was that she couldn't manage to push the bricks away.

She had promised herself to let go of JJ, she had promised herself they wouldn't have sex again until JJ left Will. Yet here she was, her dark hair still fuzzy from the way JJ had moved her hands through it as she was pushed against the kitchen counter.

Emily felt the familiar itch again, the one she had felt so often and which she tried to ignore. But she already knew she wasn't going to be able to do that. Emily made her way over towards the bathroom and sank down to her knees in front of the cabinet, she rummaged through it but to her horror she couldn't find it '' damn it, JJ'' she muttered to herself as she made her way over towards the kitchen.

She grabbed something sharp out of the kitchen and made her way back towards the bathroom where she sank down to the ground, her back touching the wall. Emily sighed sadly once she had pushed her pants down to her knees, exposing her scarred upper leg.

Emily shuddered when she placed the sharp object from the kitchen on her leg, she watched it move across her skin until the itch had passed. She cleaned herself up, bandaged the wounds and made her way back to the couch where she absentmindedly stared in the direction of her cat Sergio whom was sleeping on the cardigan Emily had been wearing, but which JJ had pulled off of her.

Emily held the blankets Penelope had got her tightly against her chest as silent tears rolled down her cheeks again. She was incredibly exhausted, and it felt as though her mind was betraying her. Emily used to be an amazing compartmentalizer, yet it seemed as though the boxes in her head were over capacity.

Last night she had a nightmare about something that had happened years ago, proving Eliza's theory right that boxes could explode. Emily was scared her boxes were in fact exploding. And it wouldn't do much good when the grand explosion occurred.

Emily was still crying when her doorbell rang, she looked around her living room distraught. She wiped the tears away with her blanket and reached for her gun before making her way towards her living room slowly.

Her head was throbbing from the crying and she was sure she looked horrible, but she unlocked her front door never the less. ''David?'' Emily asked surprised once she noticed the older Italian agent standing in her doorway.

''JJ told me you've only been eating Chinese take-out'' he said as he held up a plastic box ''so I made my favorite pasta''. Emily smiled before stepping aside slightly ''do you want to come in?'' she asked, she could feel his eyes on her as he agreed.

Emily fixed them some drinks after she had put the pasta in the fridge, she put the scotch in front of Rossi after she had placed her red wine in front of her. ''How's work?'' Emily eventually asked after they had sat in silence for a while, ''not much has changed. We miss your sarcastic remarks though'' Rossi smiled as though remembering a fond memory.

''Is Morgan getting bullied enough?'' Emily joked, '' oh yes. Reid has pulled some tech joke on him and Garcia is doing her best to keep him in line as well'' Rossi laughed. ''But they can't replace you. When are you going to be back?'' Rossi asked curiously.

''In two weeks hopefully, the shrink will decide'' chuckled Emily, even though the last thing she wanted to do right now was laugh. ''How's that going? Is she nice?'' Rossi asked, ''She's fine I guess''.

Awkward silence filled the room again, the two of them had hardly ever hung out outside of work together. ''Can I tell you something serious again Emily?'' Rossi asked, Emily could sense he had been sitting on something since he got here.

''Sure'' she shrugged. ''you need to let someone back in. I don't know what happened between you and JJ, but I can see that it's breaking her whenever she has to leave you alone. If you're not ready to trust JJ, trust someone else'' Rossi said. ''Did JJ say something to you?'' Emily asked worriedly, JJ knew too much about her.

''Not necessarily. She didn't want to actually tell me what was going on'' Rossi explained, Emily sighed relieved, something that didn't go unnoticed by Rossi '' do you want to tell me what's going on?'' he asked, his eyebrow arched.

''There's nothing to tell Dave, really. We got a little caught up in the moment-'' Emily stopped in her sentence as the memory of JJ against the counter a few hours ago crossed her mind. ''I-uh… I'll talk to her, she-…we uh-.. we'll be fine'' Emily stammered as she tried to regroup herself.

''Mmh'' murmured Rossi unconvinced, ''whatever happened needs to be figured out before you return to work. You know this''. Emily nodded ''yes, I'm on it''.

''I should be going'' Rossi said shortly after that, '' take care of yourself Emily. As in really take care of yourself. I don't mean to offend you, but you don't look too good'' he said as he squeezed her shoulder gently.

''Gee, thanks David'' Emily smiled, even though deep down she knew he was right. ''See you in two weeks'' she said as she led him to the front door. However, Emily didn't know if she'd be there in two weeks. Emily didn't even know if she'd even be there at all.