During Volume 13 Chapter 1
The gap continues to widen.
It was like a neglected crack on a windshield. It was tiny, you would tell yourself. No one would even notice it. Yet, day after day, that fissure would grow despite your averted eyes.
It was like a miniscule hole on your favourite shirt. You would procrastinate on the sewing. It was still unnoticeable. However, washing cycle after washing cycle, the centripetal viciousness would gradually tear and widen it.
I would look back. I would regret. Even so, again and again, I would let the hole widen.
It was painful yesterday. Tomorrow, it will be an infection.
That was why an amputation was necessary.
Even though I will scrape the ground with my nails, even though I will run out of time—
Because this was the only way that I would be able to toil. Cutting off my escape route was the only way that I could make myself move forward.
Again and again.
I would continue to make mistakes, and I would continue to weep.
Until one day, I would stop looking back.
I was rather inattentive during class, despite my best efforts. The moment the bell rang, I rose to my feet to escape any and all attention. I grabbed my lunch and, alone, went to a space I did not normally go. There, I had a staring contest with the wall. I wanted to think of new strategies regarding the prom, but I ended up pondering unnecessary thoughts.
Then, in the midst of my contemplation, the bell rang. Picking up my lunch box, it felt unusually weighty. I had forgotten to eat any of it. My mind was so full that it had no more room for even life's necessities.
The latter half of the day's classes were rougher than usual. Whenever I made the smallest mistake on a worksheet or encountered a concept that I did not fully understand, I became abnormally stressed. Irrationally, I felt that if I couldn't understand my mistakes now, I would have no time to make sense of it later, like I was falling behind. Yet, even with those burning thoughts, I had to stuff them in the back of my mind, in order to move to the next topic.
By the end of the day, those smoldering embers had accumulated and threatened to light another fire.
I felt like I was sweating from head-to-toe. For the ordinary, everyday things that I used to have no trouble with, I was overreacting for every little stub on the toe. I knew the reason. With that grand plan that I had to pull off hanging in the shadow of my mind, any time not spent thinking about it or working on it felt maddening. If alternative problems cropped up, that was enough to send me to the edge.
When classes ended, I was finally free to tackle the issues surrounding the prom. Of course, that brought me no joy, for that anticipated endeavour was like entering a lion's den.
After bidding farewell to my classmates, I wandered alone down the hallway, in the direction of the student council office. Shortly after I began my journey, Isshiki met up with me. From the awkward look on her face, perhaps she didn't want to walk into my classroom to meet me. I couldn't blame her. My class was a little bit special. If I was in her shoes, I would be hesitating as well.
Though I was wordlessly staring at her, she picked up on my thoughts.
"You know, it was awkward enough going into Senpai's classroom, so yours is out of the question," she boisterously complained.
"Hello, Isshiki. There's not much I can do about that," I spoke.
Sometimes my classmates can behave a little strangely. Was it something like overprotectiveness? For whatever reason, I could imagine my classmates coldly staring at Isshiki if she were to enter my classroom.
"Yes, yes, I know," replied Isshiki.
Our small talk ended there. Isshiki adopted a more serious attitude. Things were anything but fun and games, and we had to start working pronto.
The both of us decided go to the teacher's office to meet up with Hiratsuka-sensei.
It had only been a day since my mother came to the school. However, it was likely that much has happened behind the scenes. Isshiki and I needed to discover the outcomes and decide what to do from then on. One of the most significant things to determine was whether or not we could continue with the prom at all.
When we arrived in the teacher's office, we spotted Hiratsuka-sensei seating herself on a couch and heaving a tired sighed. Another teacher was close by, but he started walking in the exact opposite direction of Hiratsuka-sensei.
"Hmm? Seems like they just finished some kind of meeting," astutely observed Isshiki.
"That seems to be the case," I said in agreement.
The both of us wandered up to Hiratsuka-sensei. Noticing us, she gave us a weary smile in greeting. She pointed at the couch across from her, beckoning us to sit. We obliged.
"You managed to catch me at a good time," she spoke, smiling in self-deprecation.
Hiratsuka Shizuka was usually quite the character, usually wearing her heart on her sleeve. Yet, today, she was acting lackadaisical.
Because of how she was behaving, I could guess what had happened.
"Our prom… the situation has devolved further, correct?" I asked her.
"Yeah. It wasn't ideal before, but now it's gotten pretty bad," she replied.
Isshiki gulped in nervousness.
"Can you please cut to the chase?" I requested, "We don't have much time to think of countermeasures, so I'd like to know the situation."
Hiratsuka-sensei responded, "Thanks to your mother personally visiting the school, things have blown up. The academic bigwigs have now dipped their toes into this mess. Because of that, the decision-making has left my hands somewhat."
In other words, things have escalated to the managerial or even executive level. A lowly teacher would now have less say in the matter.
"Those guys have their own things to protect, and well…"
Hiratsuka-sensei paused for a moment. It seemed like she had a lot to say, but in the end, she chose to bottle it in.
"To put it simply, they're more cautious about the prom than before, so they want you, the organizers, to refrain from planning it out in the meantime. They want you to show restraint, in other words."
"Restraint…" muttered Isshiki.
"The wait-and-see approach, right?" I spoke in incredulousness, "Quite the demand, given that we can't afford to wait."
It was obvious that the school was now firmly in the camp of cancellation. The laissez faire attitude had vanished. However, instead of sweeping out the rug from under us immediately, they chose a more subtle approach, hoping that we would, ourselves, request a cancellation, so that they would not dirty their hands. After all, they had approved of it initially. It would be bad for their image.
The air that I breathed in felt more stuffy, as if the particulate matter in the air was suddenly twice as concentrated.
"So, is it hopeless, after all?" groaned Isshiki.
She hung her head, looking defeated. Throughout the entire ordeal, Isshiki had not slacked off for the most part. She approached the prom very seriously, proving that it was something more than just a whimsical fancy of hers. Yet, all of her efforts were on the verge of being crushed.
Instead of responding, Hiratsuka-sensei lit a cigarette. Before long, the air went from metaphorically unbreathable to literally unbreathable. Not used to the second-hand smoke, Isshiki failed to stifle a cough. I quickly opened the nearby window to let some fresh air in.
Hiratsuka-sensei seemed apologetic. However, that did not stop her from smoking.
"Sorry, but I need this. You guys are young and bursting with energy, so maybe you can keep going at it. But for me, I need moments of relaxation, otherwise the craziness will catch up to me," spoke Hiratsuka-sensei, "But well, I'm still young too!"
Contrary to her claims, she proceeded to guffaw in a manner befitting a middle-aged man.
Gazing coldly at the stick in her mouth, I retorted, "That's not exactly the healthiest way of relaxing."
"It really isn't. But everyone engages in at least some things that aren't entirely healthy," she replied, "Of course, in front of most other people in your life, you're obligated to appear healthy."
Isshiki cutely tilted her head in confusion, in a manner that was somehow vaguely reminiscent of my sister (though I had no idea how she could be copying her with so little contact).
However, I understood Hiratsuka-sensei almost too well.
Hiratsuka-sensei must have been stressed. I imagined her in the meeting with her superiors, who must have come to conclusions that did weren't entirely ethical. However, she was powerless to resist. Even if she had said something, they wouldn't hold much weight. Thus, she must have been forced to go along with things that she did not agree with.
Having come out of such a meeting, she could not be entirely blamed for reaching out for the thing that placed her at ease the most, even if there would be dire consequences to her health later on.
It was the same with me. When push came to shove, I felt the most comfortable leaning on someone else.
"Then, what will you do?" Hiratsuka-sensei asked us.
"Isn't it obvious? We'll try our best to make the prom happen somehow," answered Isshiki, "It's another group of people that need convincing. It's not like what we need to do changed that much."
Although her words were confident, her thighs were clearly shaking. She technically wasn't wrong, but the opposition had increased again.
"That's a good answer," murmured Hiratsuka-sensei, "You'll try, and you'll rise. But most of the time, you'd just fall. That's when you can rise again."
"That sounds like a stagnant loop," I spoke, "I would prefer something that leads to positive feedback."
Chuckling, Hiratsuka-sensei said, "Those kinds of things are hard to come by. You'll rarely see things being built up or progress being made. Most of the time, the world falls apart around you. Even though you'll make some money and feed yourself, you'll notice that something outside of your control has deteriorated to an irrecoverable extent."
"That's quite the pessimist's view," I replied, "Or maybe you're referring to the second law of thermodynamics?"
Again, Hiratsuka-sensei laughed spiritedly, as if she was impressed.
"It's really a strange thing, isn't it? If the universe is losing its total usefulness everyday, how did we even reach a point where we can shop online or chat with someone on the other side of the world? Maybe the world was created yesterday, or maybe we were spirited in from an alternate world. Now, we unlikely heroes are facing off with the power-hungry demon lords standing at the top of the totem pole, bossing everyone under them. Those darn school execs!"
Isekai. Though I personally did not tend to that concept very often, something told me to back away from it slowly. Oh, and back away from Hiratsuka-sensei as well.
Hiratsuka-sensei proudly nodded to herself, as if she had said something that was worthy to be passed down the eons. On the other hand, Isshiki looked almost as disgusted as if Hikigaya had been the one speaking.
"But even if it sounds like insanity, you can only find that positive feedback loop if you rise yet again," said Hiratsuka-sensei.
"…In other words, you miss one-hundred-percent of the shots you don't take?"
I winced at the cheesiness of my own words. It sounded like we were repeatedly exchanging buzzwords and clichés, even though this school was Sobu and not Kaihin Sogo.
Yet, I knew that this light tomfoolery was Hiratsuka-sensei's attempt at lightening the mood.
"Yukinoshita, you don't seem too shaken," mentioned Hiratsuka-sensei.
She may have seen it that way due to my lack of complaints, but I was unfortunately feeling light-headed. The PTA, my mother, and now the school board — everyone seemed to be fighting against us.
Yet, I couldn't stop. I had already resolved myself to see this through to the end. I had to prove that I would not give up nor beg for clemency. I had to prove that I could stand on my own.
There was an important reason why Isshiki and I visited the teachers' office. I returned to the heart of the matter.
"Let me clarify something. We were only told to show restraint, right?" I asked, "Only to step back and give everything a second look?"
Hiratsuka-sensei noticed my intent. She showed me a rather flashy smile.
"Indeed. That was what I was told," she answered.
"Thank you very much," I responded, "Then there is still a chance."
In other words, it was just a suggestion, not an order.
After hearing Hiratsuka-sensei's very explicit answer, Isshiki straightened her back with confidence, a bold smile alighting her face.
The fact that the school hasn't folded up altogether meant that they still saw value in student independence. Though, they had to act against this philosophy somewhat for their survival. I supposed that such dilemmic situations were part and parcel of adulthood.
With our business done, I stood up from the couch.
I peered Hiratsuka-sensei's face. She had a prideful expression, looking as if she had finished a project that she had started long ago. She looked back at me; her eyes were awash with nothing but satisfaction.
Because of that, I suppressed a wellspring of inquiry that threatened to spout. The matter of her transfer had not been revealed to us in the most ideal manner, but now that we did know, there was not a need to exchange further words at the moment. All of us were preoccupied so for now, this was for the best.
I afforded Hiratsuka-sensei a few more seconds, but she had nothing further to say. I eventually bid my farewell to her. Isshiki rose and promptly did the same.
As we headed out the room, I turned and faced back, mostly to close the door. I spotted Hiratsuka-sensei remaining on the couch, seeming wistful. As she exhaled a puff of smoke, she leaned back on the couch, intending to remain, as if waiting for something.
Perhaps we were relatively calm when we were speaking with Hiratsuka-sensei.
At present, however, we were in a state of panic. Though we were not thrashing about erratically, Isshiki and I felt stressed, being squeezed for time and having almost no adult allies.
But we had to put our complaints behind us. The time to act was now.
First, Isshiki and I clarified our objective. The order of restraint was a suggestion for us to drastically tone things down, with the hope that we would run out of time or ideas to hold a proper prom.
"For now, we should think about how to make amends with the parents," I told Isshiki.
"If only it wasn't such an uphill battle… argh, give me a moment to vent it all to Yui-senpai first," complained Isshiki.
She pulled out her phone and sent rapid mails. She had the expression of an enraged bull, but her face softened quite quickly after communicating with Yuigahama.
We walked over to the whiteboard and began brainstorming about possible solutions, scribbling down whatever came across our minds.
At first, we sought out any possibility that we could convince the parents to accept the prom in its current form. We mused over what justifications we could use or reasoning that the probability of improprieties occurring was low. We thought that avenue would have some success at first. However, we quickly realized that trying to persuade someone to accept something it in its original form would only work if they had a neutral stance about it. The parents were actively against it, so there was little chance that they would accept it without making some amendments.
When I explained that to Isshiki, she frowned.
"So, we really will have to change some things around, huh?" she spoke in displeasure, "It'd feel like we were caving in to them and turning the prom into something super different."
"We have no choice. However, we should try to keep the heart of the prom as unchanged as possible," I replied.
Letting certain things slip by us felt like a betrayal to Isshiki's original intentions. However, compromise was the norm for conflict resolution. Finiteness was the law of life. With but a single pie, it was impossible for any single entity to claim every slice for themselves. Such a pie in our case consisted of the integrity of the prom; we had no choice but to let the parents have some of the slices.
We began listing what the parents found objectionable, such as the clothing. From there, we came up with solutions that would make the parents happy, such as implementing restrictions on what clothes could be worn.
"But with the clothing restrictions, wouldn't the students feel like they'd be forced to wear drabbier clothes?" asked Isshiki.
Isshiki's point was valid. We did not immediately acquiesce in the first place because it would affect the enjoyment of the students.
However, we needn't completely kowtow to the parents. Just as we had to give some of our desires in compromise, the parents had to give up on some of their wants too.
"We don't need to be overly strict. We'll keep the rules as lax as we can. Actually, there is a way to satisfy both the parents and the students. We can contact a clothier, have them prepare a catalog, and coordinate a clothing renting process."
We can enforce the regulations by carefully planning the renting process while simultaneously providing a beneficial service to the students. Not all of the students would have a good idea of what to wear to the prom, so having the service of a clothing renter would bring value.
Isshiki then asked about what we would do about the people who decide to bring their own clothes, if they would violate our rules. We contemplated various countermeasures. In the end, we decided that it wasn't such a big deal, since they would be inclined to stick with the rules, in order to fit expectations and not be treated as abnormal (especially so that they can look back on their graduating events fondly).
The two of us came up with many more ideas, bouncing the pros and cons between us, and jotting down the ideas that had especial potential.
Behavioural restrictions.
Restrictions on social media activity.
The whiteboard was beginning to fill up with words and diagrams. Soon, all of the free space was consumed.
Yet, the sight of that board, dense with ideas, did not fill me with satisfaction. Rather, it felt like we were straying farther and farther away. It felt like the slices of the pie that we ought to claim for ourselves was gradually shrinking in number.
Countermeasures to satisfy the parents had counter-countermeasures to satisfy the students. However, it was clear that the parents were the ones being appeased first, with the follow-up plans being implemented to minimalize fallout among the students.
Isshiki was staring at the whiteboard as well, in thought. She wasn't content, either.
Yet, compared to the nothingness of before, we now at least had a foot to stand on. A solid proposal had been formed.
Of course, it was anyone's guess as to how the parents would respond to the new proposal, given how negatively they view the prom in the first place.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
Isshiki spoke, "Ah, I'll go check it out."
"Sure."
Isshiki opened the door slightly and peeped out, but she did not let whoever was on the other side in. Rather, she immediately slipped out the door herself, to deal with the guest.
Having been given some time alone, I returned my attention to the whiteboard. I racked my brain, wondering what else could be improved, in order to strengthen our fighting chances.
Several minutes passed by. I had made only a few minor corrections, even though I had poured through every word on the board again and again. It was like how I would finish an exam early, then spend the rest of the time checking over my answers, sometimes spending more times checking than initially completing the exam.
My brain felt fried. The act of going over the same things over and over put me in a state of tunnel vision. I would already know what I wrote down even before I saw it and be less flexible in my scrutiny.
Behind me, the door opened again. However, there were more sounds of footsteps than expected. Isshiki did not enter alone.
I turned around. In front of me was Hikigaya Hachiman.
"Oh, Hikigaya-kun."
I gave him the usual greetings.
"Sup."
He responded with his customary terse greeting, muttering word-like sounds. Yet, he was acting neither disinterested nor distant. His expression was serious.
His unexpected appearance did not surprise me much. He must have caught wind of the current situation. Because of that, he could not help but show himself here, as a symptom of our problematic relationship. Even after I said all of that to him, he did not change.
I turned to Isshiki and suggested, "Let's have a short break, shall we?"
"Sounds good," she happily replied.
I flipped the whiteboard around. The scribbles and notes wrapped around to the back, replaced with a slate of white.
Putting away your notes was one way to cool off, but that was not wholly my intention.
I needed to discourage him, little by little. I needed to show him that I would be fine on my own, that I needed no encouragement.
I beckoned him to take a seat. I prepared some tea for everyone, pouring it into paper cups. When I passed a cup to Hikigaya, he hesitated for a moment, staring uneasily at the contents. I wondered if he disliked Isshiki's choice of tea, but he soon took a sip without complaints.
We all took a seat. I began by asking him how much he knew.
"Have you heard about it?" I asked.
"Ah, yes. Since I was with Yuigahama at that time," he responded.
His words sent a shock through me. My mouth hung open for several seconds.
"…I see."
Hikigaya being with Yuigahama was completely normal, even expected. Nonetheless, I was shaken. Somewhere in my mind, I continued believing that such a happenstance was improbable.
I shook my head. Now was not the time to ponder such thoughts.
"I already talked to Hiratsuka-sensei to learn about the details," he continued, "Is it fine on your side? I can help if there's anything that requires my assistance…"
My answer was the same as it was yesterday. I could no longer afford to take his aid, no matter the situation.
I sipped some tea, bringing relief to my parched throat, bringing life back to my mouth that was unexpectedly dry.
"There is no need for that, as we're already working on the appropriate countermeasures," I spoke.
Hikigaya fell silent and frowned. He held a pained, lonely expression, as if he had lost something.
My words were of plain rejection. With our relationship, it was closer to an amputation.
My gut wrenched. I was acting with the same cruelty as my mother.
For some reason, Isshiki was glaring at Hikigaya in expectation, as if she was wanting him to say something.
Hikigaya sipped his tea, his eyebrows furrowing, perhaps from the heat of the drink. Then, instead of backing down, he looked calmly at me.
"So… What's your plan?" he asked.
I answered, "We're still reviewing our existing proposal. For now, there's nothing much to say about our plans."
Those words I uttered were intended to mislead. It was partially true that we were, overall, sticking with our original direction. However, there had already decided on quite a few significant changes.
Isshiki gave me a confused glance for a moment. However, she soon looked away, trying to pretend as if nothing had happened. Unfortunately, such an act did not escape the notice of Hikigaya.
—I was a terrible liar.
Being suspicious, Hikigaya questioned Isshiki, "Is there anything to do right now?"
"…For now, nothing much," she plainly replied.
Unlike me, Isshiki acted quite naturally, not showing an opening for Hikigaya to dig into. Even though it was necessary in this situation, I could not feel proud of her shrewdness.
"So to put it another way, now is not the right time to act?" he inquired.
"Of course," I answered with a shake of my head, "After all, we only received the self-restraint order today."
"But there are countermeasures that can be designed based on that, right? After all, it is only a restraining order. In fact, straight out ignoring such an order is possible in cases of desperation," he spoke.
Hikigaya seemed to be well-informed of the situation. His meeting with Hiratsuka-sensei must have been fruitful.
However, since he seemed to already know about the situation, his questions came off as naive. I wondered if he was trying to probe me of my own knowledge and stance on the situation.
While it was voluntary in nature, neither Isshiki nor I had ever thought of flat-out ignoring the will of the parents.
"If possible, I would prefer not to take such a risk," I replied, "While using the ambiguity of the term against them could work, simply showing them an unyielding attitude won't be enough."
Confidence alone would not convince the parents that our prom was something healthy and normal. In their eyes, it was the fabric of the prom that needed changing, not our attitude.
"I am aware of that too," spoke Hikigaya, "We'll only use this to open up a platform for discussions."
It seemed that Hikigaya had arrived to the same conclusion that I had — to use the voluntary aspect of the self-restraining order to rectify the problems with the prom.
Though I had tried to dance around the issue, his eagerness to act had not faded at all since he had arrived. Wanting to get more info out of us, he made his way to the whiteboard and flipped it around.
I could not help but sigh. I had failed to discourage him.
He examined all of the points that we had come up with so far. Of course, what was on the whiteboard was but rough notes. It was not an organized document by any means.
"I don't understand what's going on here at all," spoke a puzzled Hikigaya.
"I was still sorting things out when you came," I stated.
"Oh, that was… Sorry for interrupting," he apologized.
I shook my head to indicate that I did not mind. After all, we were well overdue for a break. For some reason, Hikigaya was rather taken aback, having a guilty look as if he had misbehaved without knowing.
He cleared his throat as if to steer himself back on track.
"So, what are these words supposed to mean?" he inquired, "I don't really get it."
To tell him any more than we have already would be to involve Hikigaya further. Thus, I decided to give a non-answer.
"…As I said, we're still reviewing the proposal," I replied.
I couldn't look him in the face. I was no stranger to hiding things — we've awkwardly hidden a lot from each other even from day one — even if I was bad at it.
If it there was only the two of us there in the room, there would have been a chance off him backing off. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
Hikigaya turned to Isshiki with a pleading face, imploring her to explain. Faced with that expression, especially from a senpai, Isshiki was forced to open her mouth.
"Um… To put it simply, our current focus is to… Make amendments on our clothing restrictions?" she reluctantly explained.
Isshiki turned to me, hoping I would clarify. Since she revealed to Hikigaya our plans, I was forced to explain our plan to him in full.
I recited to Hikigaya about our plans regarding the dress code, to keep things more wholesome. I also explained to him other topics, such as the restrictions on social media and the measures we will take to keep the students happy.
While I was explaining, he occasionally looked back at the whiteboard to cross-check. When properly glued together, that jumble of words formed a solid plan. It was convincing enough for Hikigaya.
"I see… A good plan indeed," he commented.
"Thank you," I curtly spoke.
While knocking on the whiteboard, Hikigaya asked, "So with this, what are the chances of winning?"
Perhaps Isshiki was still in the middle of processing all that we had discussed before the break, so she was unable to appraise that probability, only staring at the ceiling while muttering something. However, I had a decent amount of confidence in our plans.
"We took the parents' concerns into consideration and came up with methods to deal with said issues. I believe that our chances of getting their approval won't be low," I spoke.
"Well, yeah that seems to be the case," said Hikigaya while nodding, "They'll approve of the improved proposal now that you dealt with their concerns…"
Then, Hikigaya looked at me directly in the eyes, unwaveringly.
"Under normal circumstances, that is," he coldly spoke.
He had seen through it, in these short few minutes. Yet, I had only discovered the flaw in our plans after filling that whiteboard up with scribbles.
Isshiki and I had done everything by-the-book (if a textbook relating to our situation existed). The school gave us the order of restraint, which had the implication of re-evaluating our plans to avoid a definite cancellation. Changing things around was what we had spent the last while doing.
Indeed, that would have been enough if the parents had the intention of letting us hold the prom in the first place. However, the reality was that the parents fully intended to make the prom disappear.
In truth we had not addressed that factor at all; we had not prepared anything that would make the parents want the prom instead of rejecting it. Our amendments merely compromised certain aspects of the prom in their favour. Yet, if we were to present our amendments to the parents, they may come up with other concerns, valid or not, to nit-pick us with. They could even desire for repeated, back-and-forth meetings in order to delay everything past the point where we could feasibly prepare for the event. Whatever we did in capitulation would never be enough, save for the ultimate capitulation of cancellation.
Absolute enmity — that was something the Service Club rarely faced, since we usually dealt with the willing.
Hikigaya faced me with a stern expression.
"Yukinoshita, there is something that I wish to properly discuss with you."
"Alrighty, then I should probably see myself out—"
For some reason, Isshiki hurriedly stood up with a perplexed expression. When she did so, I grabbed hold of her arm to keep her in place.
"I believe that it's related to the prom? If that's the case, it's better for Isshiki-san to be present too," I spoke.
"Ahaha… Is that so?" she muttered.
She panned her eyes around awkwardly, as if she didn't belong in her own room. She needn't feel that way. This wasn't a confidential talk solely between members of the Service Club. Actually, even if she wasn't present at the moment, Isshiki would need to know whatever we would discuss anyway, so her being here would save us some time.
Hikigaya shook his head at Isshiki, telling her that it was inappropriate for her to leave. Isshiki sat back down, but her sudden anxiety didn't seem to dissipate.
True to his formal words, Hikigaya directly faced me, without his usual slouching or pocketed hands.
"…Can I help out with the prom?" he asked.
His words were so straightforward and explicit that I fell silent in shock. Regardless of today's gradual dissuasion or yesterday's blatant refusal, he did not even attempt to hide his desire to fulfill his problematic role.
Furthermore, I even felt happy. I felt reassured to be offered that help even when I knew it was unhealthy, like reaching for another handful of junk food.
"I don't think that there are any problems with your amended proposal, but the rate of success isn't too high," spoke Hikigaya, "So we should probably work on another set of proposals."
He immediately fired off suggestions, as if he held all the solutions in the palm of his hands.
"But it's not like I'm taking the initiative. I'll simply act based on your instructions. Just look at me as a character who comes up with a few ideas while standing near the wall. It'll be no different from how you treat Isshiki and others, right? Just doing the kind of thing that I usually do, that's all I wish for."
His words were thinly veiled excuses. He must have thought that if he offered his opinions without technically moving his hands, it would not strictly count as aid. Sweeping things under and making excuses, that part of him hasn't changed much.
"…Indeed, just like how things have always been," I muttered.
Yet, excuses are made only to change one's perspective, without changing the underlying truth. Even if he said he would stand aside, the result was that things would be orchestrated to his desires.
No, there was an even simpler aspect.
"If that's the case—" he started.
I interrupted, "In the end, I'll still have to rely on you."
He could stand aside, and he could say nothing unless prompted. Yet, the one who would prompt him would be me. I would be unable to resist it.
"Which is exactly why I wish to change it. What my sister said, you understand too, don't you?"
He froze, as if lashed by an Arctic wind.
He wasn't startled because of discovering a new fact. Rather, his mouth hung open because he had been caught red-handed.
He might have arrived to it on his own, or maybe my sister had told him. Either way, he should have known that our relationship was nothing more than codependency. It was twisted; the nettle vines binding us tore through our skin.
It was necessary for me to tear off those bindings with my bare hands.
"But… This is something that I should take responsibility for," he hoarsely spoke, "It was never about which side was in the wrong, isn't that right?"
Then, he began rambling about adopting alternative methods, alternative mindsets and alternative communication. He rapid-fired any sort of concept or excuse he could think up of. He tried to rationalize our relationship in any way he could.
I could only smile wearily in self-deprecation. This was evidence that our relationship was harmful not for just me alone.
"So… No matter what kind of ending awaits, I wish to take responsibility for it properly," said Hikigaya, "Which is why… I really want to… Help you out."
Responsibility, responsibility and responsibility. What yoke did Hikigaya Hachiman not try to shoulder? But for my yoke, I was the one who forced it on him.
My mind recalled the rattling of the carriage, ascending the metallic slope. Under the dark, night sky, the fantastical displays illuminated his face. Then, at the very peak, I grasped onto his sleeve.
Save me someday, okay?
Then there was the frightful descent, and I clutched onto him harder, longer. I reached out, hung on. Neither of us had the time to think. We simply fell together. Thus, we simply accepted it. He would save me, and I would accept the salvation.
"…Thank you. But it's fine now, you've said enough," I responded.
Our current twisted relationship had a naïve, innocent origin. Even now, Hikigaya had approached me with those unblemished intentions, even if he knew what would come about.
"It was my fault to begin with, always letting you and Yuigahama-san handle things… That's why we've gotten into such an abnormal situation. If I don't clean things up, none of us will be able to move forward, isn't that right? The one who should be taking responsibility is me," I spoke to him.
Hikigaya shook his head and said, "…No, it's my responsibility too."
I shook my head, knowing that was not the case.
Hikigaya was about to retort, but Isshiki cut in.
"Umm, may I ask how long are you two planning to revolve around the same problem?" spoke Isshiki in exasperation.
At those words, the two of us fell silent.
What Isshiki spoke was true. We were at impasse so long as both of our desires collided head-on. Between the stubborn me and the stubborn him, arguing would lead us nowhere.
Instead of arguing, Hikigaya lowered his head in resignation.
"I understand. Then I won't say anything more. I won't help you out either."
Isshiki gasped in blatant surprise, as if she did not expect him to relent at the very end.
It seemed that my own stubbornness won out. Given enough rejection, of course Hikigaya would give up. I smiled — with a mixture of relief and disappointment.
However, I was not the only one who was smiling. Hikigaya suddenly grinned. No, he smirked like a devil.
He declared, "But I never said that I won't oppose you."
"Huh?" Isshiki breathlessly spoke.
Along with a pale Isshiki, I gawked at his face, wondering what in the world he was speaking of.
Ignoring Isshiki, he continued, "I don't think it's hard to guess what happens when we have a difference in opinion, right?"
His reckless and overconfident words rang in my ears, putting me in a daze.
"I've been concerned with the prom's state for quite a while after all, so I'd feel kinda upset if the event fails to be approved," he brazenly stated, "But I don't fully approve of your amendments to the proposal either…"
He raised his fist and lightly smacked his own chest.
"In that case, I'll do this by myself."
Isshiki pleaded Hikigaya with desperate eyes for him to explain himself more clearly.
However, after getting past his dramatic words, I realized that we had simply circled back to where we started. It was not something that Isshiki knew about in great detail, or maybe at all.
Simply put, members of the Service Club did not need to act together. Although Yuigahama, Hikigaya and I have been in harmony recently, our club did not start that way. Rather, Hiratsuka-sensei, the progenitor of the club, had hounded Hikigaya and I to compete, to see who can solve problems the most. That competition was exactly what Hikigaya was getting at.
"Our competition hasn't ended, and not everyone has to go about with the same methods either. So, it's fine for the two of us to take different routes, right?" he aptly spoke.
That was an echo. Similar words have been said a while ago, leading to a divide between us. Our competition was not supposed to crumble the foundations of the club, but it nearly did at that time.
I bit my lip. The pain was familiar.
We were playing with fire.
"I think this could work," nonchalantly spoke Isshiki, "As long as the process isn't relevant to me."
Isshiki shrugged, looking exhausted.
She was, of course, the reason why our club experienced a fallout back then, so she had to have known the risks. Her acquiescence this time spoke to either her great desire for the prom or her trust in us.
"Well, it's not like I planned on getting approval from your side anyway," he announced, "I'm just going to do it anyway."
His visage was smug. He would not take "no" for an answer. Rather, his opposition had already been set in stone.
Think, I told myself.
We were not necessarily acting in bad faith towards each other like back then, so things might not end up the same way. What was his plan? What was his payoff? He was clearly provoking me, to try to get some sort of reaction.
What did Hikigaya Hachiman seek from me?
He definitely had a reason why he wanted to frame our situation as a competition. Perhaps the method itself was what he sought, comfort in familiarity. Perhaps he wanted the reward of the competition itself.
Then, if that was the case—
Yes, if I was the victor, then that reward would be mine instead. I recalled what Hiratsuka-sensei said one year ago.
"The victor will have the right to command the other to do anything… I believe that was the case?" I inquired.
Our wills clashed from day one, and the one who stood on top would be able to impose her will on the other. That was the reward.
I needed that reward.
My desire to break this codependency — if I won, I would surely be able to bring it about, no matter the cost.
Even towards Hikigaya, I had to prove myself.
In response to my question, Hikigaya replied, "Yes, that will be the case."
We didn't shake hands. Instead, we looked at each other with cocky smiles, the both of us having the full intention of winning. There was no sportsmanship. The entire competition was akin to flinging mud.
I did not have a clear idea of what he would do with the reward, and he likely did not know what I would do either. However, it would be a mistake for us to focus on the other's wants. After all, it would be made irrelevant in the end. The winner would take all.
"Ew, what was that all about? Gross," bellowed Isshiki, shrinking back.
He shot her a dirty look, causing Isshiki to recoil. For people of our age, the promise of letting the other person do what they wanted to you had more than a few wrong connotations. It didn't help that Hikigaya's mug had the glint (or rather the clamminess) of a criminal. It was a face that he showed quite often in the beginning but had been absent in recent times.
"Yes, it does feel a little gross," I said in agreement.
I could not help but chuckle.
It was that everyday absurdity, sudden and fierce, like the sharp pricking from stepping barefoot on a brick of Lego. Isshiki's vehement nodding made me chuckle a little louder, even as I recalled the rather inappropriate beginnings.
Seeing us act like this, Hikigaya's smiled faltered. It was his turn to drop his shoulders.
"You two…" he muttered in depression.
Appearing pathetic, I had to dial back my amusement somewhat. I cleared my throat.
"That was simply a joke. But now, you've reminded me that everything started from that day, indeed."
From that initial competition, concocted by a nosy teacher, on policy-breaking premises, came disgust, half-hearted resolutions, hilarity, some satisfaction, ambiguous conclusions, warmth, and so much more convolution.
Today, the two of had returned. We faced a challenge that was rather dissimilar to our previous problems. We faced a problem in our relationship that did not exist before. Yet, we chose to tackle it recklessly, in a battle arena, all the same.
For the two of us who could never get along as only friends, it suited us.
I spoke once more, "So allow me to reconfirm things. Both of us will do things by our own methods with the aim of realizing the graduation prom, and the victor gets to demand something from the loser, is that it?"
"Ah… Yes," Hikigaya blankly replied.
For whatever reason, Hikigaya could only stare at me in astonishment, as if I had forgotten to comb my hair.
I asked, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing… I'm just surprised that you actually accepted the challenge," he said.
He accidentally let the veil covering his ulterior motives slip a bit. Though, it hardly needed to be said that he had a hidden agenda since his drastic actions usually had a goal that was just barely in the blind spot of those that got tied up in them.
"It's not really that inconceivable," I replied.
I could have said that I had my own goals to pursue in falling for Hikigaya's taunting. However, there was an even simpler explanation, one that applied as well as it did now as it when I first agreed to take on those bizarre challenges.
"Didn't you already know? I really hate losing."
He grinned widely, as if to say "yeah, yeah". Despite being ticked off, he, nonetheless, seemed like he was rejoicing, like he had dug up a watch he lost at a beach.
Hikigaya gathered up his things and made for the door. Before stepping out, he waved his goodbyes to Isshiki. She jumped, then gave him a farewell smile, tinged with confusion.
When the door closed, Isshiki sat back down, looking like she was in a trance, dumbfounded at the fact that her senpais chose to clash.
Moments swept by. Seconds ticked, and minutes flew away.
In a room dyed in orange, I typed on the keyboard, tapping in rhythm with the tick-tocking of the clock. Each word fled the document farther from the first page.
Isshiki was brooding. Even though she was doing her part in silence, she neither hummed nor snacked.
In concert with me, again and again, we typed, to correct the mistakes of what we had started.
Then, fatigue set in, encroaching like an old enemy that had waited for the right moment. During the crucial moments, my fatal flaws would always find a way to show themselves.
Staring so long at the monitor, my eyes were at their limit. I wrenched my pained eyes away from the screen.
What first came into my vision were my computer glasses lying atop the table. When I wore them before, he took notice of them. I did not wear them now. Perhaps I wanted to experience pain, of any sort, anything to shock my fatigue away.
From my bag, I withdrew eye drops.
Drip. The foreign liquid stung with coldness.
Then, a warm liquid flowed down my cheeks.
With a handkerchief, I hurriedly wiped my cheeks of the accidental runoff.
"Uhm, should we go home?"
I turned my head towards Isshiki. When I did so, I felt disoriented, but I tried to hide it from her.
I told her that I would stay here, but that it would be okay if she were to leave first.
"Is that… so…"
Isshiki looked concerned, and rightfully so. We had been fighting against the parents. Now, we were even fighting against Hikigaya.
She seemed uneasy and took a step closer to me. To unburden her, I told her that we would call on the other student council members to enact our plan tomorrow.
"Isn't that a bit too quick? The policy was just decided today, you know?"
Unfortunately, we had no more time to lose. I promised her that I would put our plans together by tomorrow. The prom must be held, thus we ought to prepare quickly.
"…You're declaring it, I see."
I nodded. We really did not have any more time to decide. There was no longer any room to pay any amount of heed to the opposite direction. We needed to put any notions of retreat behind us, so that we could put our full attention into what lay ahead.
"Uhm…"
Isshiki stammered. I had made that crucial decision without her consent, so she must have felt anxious.
Yet, Isshiki had said it herself that she didn't mind how the prom would take shape.
Finally, she smiled at me.
"…Please don't overwork yourself."
I had no guarantee that I would not overwork myself. However, I told her that I would be fine. That part was not a lie.
I had to struggle. I had to toil. I had to throw everything onto the chopping block. I had to win the competition and attain my reward.
Once I was allowed to have anything I wanted, I would sever the codependency once and for all. Hikigaya had reasons to continue indulging in this poison. I knew mine. I would stop those reasons from existing.
"I'll be fine because this will be the last time," I replied to Isshiki, "With this, I can put it to an end."
A sharp pained seared through my meagre chest.
I let that pain burn through.