Chapter 35

Before he could get his mind in gear, Oliver just smiled and lowered his hand.

"Sorry," Tim said.

"Hey, no worries. I get it. Well, I get it as much as anyone can get that kind of thing," Oliver said. "Mind if I join you?"

Tim scooted over a little, even if he wasn't sure about talking to the person who had replaced Abby. Oliver sat down and there was a moment of silence. Tim wasn't sure what to say and Oliver didn't seem bothered at all.

Finally, he took a breath and just looked out at the Yard. He didn't look at Tim.

"When I first interviewed to work here, they told me I was coming into a hard situation. I was replacing someone that most in the building would consider irreplaceable. But I said that I wasn't doing that."

"What do you mean?" Tim asked.

Oliver looked at him.

"You can't replace people. Every person is unique. Every person is different. You can't have someone come in and replace them. Every person is irreplaceable, even if you hate their guts and you're glad to see them gone. You still can't replace them. I'm not replacing Abby, Agent McGee. I'm filling the position she used to fill, and I do it in my own way. I can't be like she was and I don't want to be. I want to be myself. When I got hired, I immediately asked for an assistant. I didn't want to run myself ragged pretending that I could do everything when I knew I couldn't. Some people thought that made me weak." Oliver shrugged. "So be it, as far as I'm concerned. I got an assistant and Teresa is amazing at her job." Then, he smiled. "And if I want to take a day off, I can because she's there and can fill in without too much upheaval."

Tim was quiet for a few seconds. Then, he swallowed.

"Abby... she was proud of being able to do everything. Sometimes... sometimes, she resented me when I could do something she couldn't."

"Like I said, everyone is different."

"Yeah."

"Do you mind that I tracked you down?" Oliver asked after another pause.

"I don't know. Sometimes, I do," Tim admitted. "I was trying to serve a lifelong penalty for what I did. I don't always believe that I need to, but still... sometimes... I'm still having problems with that." Tim looked at Oliver for a moment and then looked down at the ground. "How did you do it? I thought I'd done a good job of hiding everything I did. I didn't think anyone would find me."

"You did do a good job. It took me way too long to figure it out."

"How?"

"It started with something you wrote in the email to your parents, something that Tony mentioned."

"What?"

"You wrote that you were no one. You didn't even sign your name. Tony pointed out that you didn't want a new identity at all. You were just giving up the one you'd had. So I reasoned that you might just start using different names. And..." He hesitated. "...since your book was so important, I decided to go that route and look at different combinations of the names there. It worked."

"Oh."

"So...are you going inside?" Oliver asked.

"Maybe."

"I'm sure everyone's expecting you. Ziva's been really excited to have you back."

Tim shook his head.

"Not when they actually see me," he said softly. "They're thinking of how I was. I'm not that way. I don't know if I ever will be. They might regret having me come back the way I am."

"No," Oliver said. "Even if you've changed, they won't care. They have you back and that's what matters."

"How would you know that?"

A couple of reasons. First, I know your team pretty well after a year. I know Ziva really well and I can't imagine them regretting you coming back. Second, I know how it feels to lose someone and never get them back. I would give anything to have my sister back, no matter how much she might have changed. Heck, I'd give anything to know where she is since I'm sure she's dead. Just knowing would give me something I don't have right now."

"What do you mean?"

"My sister was kidnapped and we never found out who did it, why they did it, and we never found her. Twenty years and she's still missing. I know she was probably killed twenty years ago, but because we never found her body, there's just that little nagging feeling that maybe she is alive, just wanting us to find her and we've given up and if we just kept trying, we'd find her. There's a feeling that we're failing her."

Tim could see that faint hint of pain in Oliver's eyes, and he could see that there was some degree of true understanding.

"And you know what, Agent McGee? It's not my fault that we didn't find her. It's not my fault that we stopped looking for her. None of the pain that came from her abduction is my fault. ...just like what happened last year wasn't your fault."

Tim stood up and walked a few steps away from Oliver. "No, it was. Even if I can agree with it partly, the only reason they were all killed was because of what I wrote."

"Agent McGee, I spent a lot of time reading about that case, reading about you and about everything that happened. If I was going to find you, I needed to know everything I could. And I learned something, and it tells me that, if there's any blame you deserve, it's only in giving a specific focus because Landon Grey was going to do this to someone."

"No. It was because of my book."

"Landon Grey was already guilty of stalking before he ever could have read your book."

Tim felt his brow furrow and he turned around to look at Oliver.

"What?"

"He'd got obsessed with one of his professors in college and started stalking her. It got to the point that she'd had him arrested and got a restraining order. In the court documents, his defense was that he was protecting her. From students. Evidence was in the form of some students who had gone to her office to protest a grade they'd received. He'd delivered some warnings to them that he'd make sure they suffered if they didn't leave her alone. He was following her home, staying outside her house all night. The psychiatric evaluation gave a diagnosis of delusional disorder, coupled with obsessive love disorder."

"He didn't... seem..."

"Apparently, people with this disorder don't. Apart from the objects of their delusions, they act normally. Even after the trial, he called the professor's office multiple times, hurt that she had rejected him. To the point that she was afraid of what he would do, either to her or to himself. He was still obsessed with her and finally, he was arrested for violating the restraining order and ordered to undergo psychiatric treatment. When he first saw you, it must have been not long after his release, and he found another person to obsess with, someone who needed his protection, someone who could justify everything he'd done before. It wasn't you, Agent McGee. It was Landon Grey. Whatever twisted his brain initially has nothing to do with you. You're not at fault... anymore than I'm at fault because, even with all my forensic training, I still can't find my sister."

Tim found that he couldn't think of a response to that. Landon hadn't seemed crazy in the coffee shop. And even in the moment before he'd shot Abby, he hadn't seemed crazy. Only his actions had been. He had been speaking clearly and calmly.

Oliver surprised him by smiling sympathetically.

"I know. It's hard to hear it all. It's hard to square that with what you must have been telling yourself, but I promise, I'm not just saying this because I'm marrying Ziva. It's because that's what the evidence says."

And the speed at which Tim's mind careened from the revelations about Landon to the revelation about Ziva was so high that Tim felt like he'd just been hit twice with a boomerang.

"What? You're... Ziva? What?"

"Oh, no! I ruined it," Oliver said, hitting himself in the forehead. "Ziva said she wanted to tell you herself so that she could see your face."

"She... I haven't... seen her... since... I..."

"Oh, man. She's going to kill me. Well, you're pretty well shocked at the moment," Oliver said, looking speculative. "I think it'll last until we get you inside and to the bullpen. Come on."

In a bit of a daze, Tim allowed Oliver to grab him by the arm and pull him into the building. He'd been gone for a year and he knew that life had to go on for everyone. It should have. He was only trying to destroy his own life, not anyone else's, but in his mind, everyone had frozen in the moment he had left with no changes.

Ziva was getting married? In what parallel universe was this even a possibility?

He was so boggled by it that he didn't even notice that he was going into NCIS, a place that had totally intimidated him just a few minutes ago. He vaguely responded to Henry's enthusiastic welcome back and then let Oliver push him onto the elevator. They rode up to the bullpen and then Oliver pulled him off the elevator.

As he walked over, Tony and Ziva were both at their desks. Just like normal. Just like it hadn't been a year since he'd been in this building. Ziva glanced up and then looked down... and then, she glanced up again and she smiled. Immediately, she was out of her seat and hurrying over to them.

"Tim, I am so glad to see you," she said. She hugged him quickly and then let him go, apparently noticing his shock. "Are you all right?"

"You're... engaged?" Tim asked, still feeling stunned.

Ziva looked behind Tim, most likely at Oliver and raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry, Ziva. I really didn't think about the fact that you wouldn't have seen him already. I was just... well, that's why I dragged him in here, so you could see him shocked still."

Ziva smiled and then looked at Tim again.

"Yes, I am engaged, and I am working on becoming an American citizen. Are you surprised?"

"Uh... yeah... a bit," Tim said. "You're... getting married."

Ziva smiled again and nodded. "Yes, Tim. I am. Even my father is getting to the point where he will accept it."

"How... is that... even..."

Ziva hugged him again, holding him tightly, and whispered in his ear.

"I chose to start living again. I could not leave my life on hold. That is what you must do now, too."

"I don't know if I can," Tim said, softly.

"You will. Eventually."

Then, she let him go and smiled. Tim could see how glad she was that he was there. Even if he wasn't sure that Oliver was right and they wouldn't care about how shaky he was, he could see that at this moment, Ziva was glad he was there. Tony came over and, to Tim's surprise, he hugged Tim quickly, too.

"Man, Probie. It's good to see you back here. Just hasn't been the same."

"It still won't be," Tim said, making sure that there was no surprise in that regard.

"I know, but it will be enough. It can be. I promise."

Tim looked at Tony and realized that he had changed, too. Not as dramatically as Ziva but there was something more serious in his expression than had been there before.

Then, Gibbs came striding in with his usual pace, and for a moment, to Tim, it felt like he had stepped back in time, but then, Gibbs saw Tim and his pace slowed.

"Welcome back, Tim," he said.

"Are you sure?" Tim asked.

"Yeah."

There was a moment of silence as they all stood, almost as if they were waiting for something to happen, something that would be the signal that it was all good.

But it didn't come and finally, Oliver leaned over and kissed Ziva on the cheek. It was weird for Tim to see it, but he didn't comment. But he could see Ziva's happiness. He was a little envious.

"All right," Oliver said. "I've got to get to work. I don't expect that I'll see you down in the lab anytime soon, Agent McGee, but just so you know, you're always welcome down there, too."

"Th-Thanks," Tim said.

Oliver started to leave, but then, Tim finally got his mind in gear and he turned toward him.

"Oliver," he said.

Oliver turned back.

"Yeah?"

Tim walked over, hesitated and then held out his hand.

"Tim McGee. ...uh... It's nice to meet you."

Oliver smiled and shook his hand firmly. Then, he nodded and walked to the elevator.

Tim took a deep breath and then turned back. That had got him into the building, but now what?

"Now what, Boss?" Tim asked.

Gibbs jerked his head toward Tim's desk.

"Work, if you're ready."

Another deep breath.

"Okay."

Tim walked hesitantly over to his desk and sat down. It was normal... but still not quite right.

And yet, as he sat there, looking around at the old, familiar sights, he knew that he wanted this... if he could just get around the feeling that he didn't deserve to have it, that coming back here was wrong, that...

A hand on his shoulder startled him out of his darkening thoughts. He looked up and saw Gibbs there.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

Tim just nodded mutely.

"We need some phone records."

Gibbs held out a folder. Tim swallowed and then nodded and took it.

"I'll try," he said.

"Good."

Tim turned on his computer and got to work.