Beta: paleseptember10

Where is everyone? Honestly, when things get hard y'all yell at me for making things too rough, and when things are starting to calm down y'all go radio silent? That's hardly fair right? Just in case I haven't been clear (and it's not like I haven't been called out for "shamelessly" asking for reviews and blah), I like the yelling better. So, where are my Guests?

The discussion on FB? Keep it up ladies! I'm basking in it.

Busy week for my beta and me, but here it is, sorry it's slightly late.

Epilogue

2023

Anastasia stared at the home test in her hand almost willing another stripe to visualize but it remained single.

She shook her head and tossed it into the bin sighing in defeat. She had no idea why they thought it was a good idea to try for another baby when the wound from the last pregnancy still felt so fresh as March approached. Then again, she honestly believed that they could conceive before March and prove to themselves that they had truly learned from the past and grown up.

It was now May, and hope had been blooming in her chest because the hardest two months of the year had passed, and she thought the stress level between her and Christian would've decreased. Yet, there still seemed to be a cloud looming over their heads shielding them in a shadow of doubt and low self-esteem.

"Negative?" He asked softly as she emerged from their bathroom, correctly placing her mood the moment he saw her gloomy face.

The residual fears from the last time shrouded her, and despite his pleas, she was still anxious when she knew the news would disappoint him.

"Come here," he sighed and opened his arms waiting for her to climb into them. He discarded his computer on the side and lifted the cover as she trudged over. "I'm sorry," he mumbled against her temple as she nestled herself on top of his body in the security of his arms.

"It's been a year now since I got off birth control."

"I know," he replied, silently hoping that her period would be late this month.

"Maybe it's just not the time… I mean, we only just reconciled."

"Just?" He frowned, he knew that they still had a long way to go but they were moving forward and part of that was to try and start a family. The scars were fresh but if they were to wait for all the wounds to heal completely before trying for a child, none of them would know when that would be.

They were ready, they just weren't prepared for it to fail so spectacularly.

"We've been communicating so well…" she continued to mutter to herself not caring what he had to say. "Why can't we get pregnant when we want to yet I got knocked up at the worst time possible? It seemed so easy back then."

"I certainly took that for granted."

"We both did. Well, you more than me," she added, deciding not to sugar coat it. She had coddled him enough, and he could do without it once in a while.

"I've been thinking," he declared taking a deep breath after a pregnant pause between them. "About this time last year. Kate and Elliot just had Ava a few months ago, and you were obsessed with them. I wanted to bring up the idea of maybe trying for a baby again, but I wasn't sure if you were ready. So, I didn't say anything mainly because I didn't know how you would react… you have no idea how happy I was when you started showing symptoms that you also caught the baby fever."

She giggled lightly at his sound of relief. "I caught it the moment I had Ava in my arms but I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if we were ready. Hell, I'm not sure if we are ready, to be honest. It's already getting stressful and I don't want to put a strain on our relationship especially after what happened last time."

"We are ready, Anastasia."

"I don't want history to repeat itself."

"It won't, but will you believe me?"

She shifted on his chest and peered up at him through her lashes. "Yeah, I believe you."

…

"I need to tell you something," he blurted out, running his hands down her back in a soothing, rhythmic caress that calmed and began to lull her to sleep at the same time.

As the thought entered his mind, his heart rate spiked. He peered down at the mop of brown hair on his chest expecting a reaction but was only met with the slight flutter of her eyelashes against her cheeks. He carried on deciding to just say it before he lost his courage.

"I saw Elena that night."

Anastasia's head shot up from his chest, she was on the verge of falling asleep and then that deep rumble from his chest shook her awake. That name made her eyes shoot open as she stared at him wide-eyed.

"Say that again?" The words rushed out as she was eager for a clarification praying that she had heard him wrong, but perhaps her tone came out too urgent because Christian was beginning to fret.

"Ana, I didn't talk to her."

"Talk to who?" She frowned, her mind so disconnected and disoriented that she had completely dismissed whatever she had heard earlier.

He went silent and his lips pursed as he pondered about continuing further.

"Tell me, Christian. I didn't hear you earlier. You kind of woke me," she clarified, giving him the encouragement that he still needed sometimes to speak up. "I'm not upset, mostly because I don't even know what you're talking about so there's nothing to upset me."

"I saw Elena that night," he repeated.

"Which night?" She stared back at him, thoroughly confused. They hadn't made any pact to not speak about the past, except for a mutual agreement that they wouldn't bring up what happened three years ago in an argument.

"You're making me nervous, lay back down, baby," he tugged her arm gently to pull her head back down onto his chest. She relented but her eyes were now opened as she waited patiently for him to continue speaking.

"What were you going to say?" She lazily drew circles on his chest as a form of encouragement when he fell silent. He was trying to organize his thoughts and debating the best way to break it to her.

He wanted to say that he was done being a dick, and he wanted to stick by his promise that nothing remotely similar to the incident three years ago would happen again. He wanted to promise that he wouldn't let history repeat itself, but despite the words that he intended to keep, his actions were sometimes unexplainable.

"After I stormed out, I just thought I could take a walk in the neighborhood with Flynn on the phone, thinking maybe he could calm me down or at least allow my rational thoughts to return."

"Why are you telling me this?" She asked with pure curiosity. She didn't mind them rehashing the old memories, despite the worst nightmare that they had endured, as long as they weren't fighting and throwing this in each other's faces spitefully as ammunition.

"I didn't tell you this part of the night, and maybe I'm doing it to convince myself that this would help you understand my actions better. It has been stuck in my mind."

"I do understand you, and I do understand your actions. Christian, I do know you better than you think."

"I know, but just let me say this. I just want to talk."

She nodded. It was better for him to talk to her than to talk to someone that had no business in his personal life. She wasn't complaining, in fact, she liked it that she was now the first person that he would turn to for all the woes and sorrows that he was experiencing.

"John didn't pick up that night, and I thought I would just wait for him to call back. I did what I think every normal person would do when they were troubled, and took a walk. If this worked for someone else, it might work for me; at least that was my mindset at the time."

His hand reached up to her head to stroke her hair, while the other reached for her hand that was drumming on his chest and brought it to his lips. It was as if he wanted to take her down the memory lane himself just to show her that he was really clueless about Brie and about what went down that night.

"I don't know why I went down that street in the first place because other than her salon, there really wasn't anything that was appealing to me. I thought I could wait for John, I thought I could get through the night on my own and find my way back home without any kind of episode. My mind went blank and then I just stopped at the front door of the salon. It was dark, and closed for the day. It no longer appeared like the salon chain that I once supported. Even though it was closed and I could see the declining business, the mere thought of Elena's demise made me feel so much better."

"Her business could never have survived without your backing," Ana added, finishing his thought for him. He nodded because that was exactly what comforted at that moment that night.

"I felt better, and I was going to just stand there and stare into the darkened hall that used to be full of customers. I didn't know that she was still in there, because I swear I wouldn't have even gone there had I known that I'd see her in person."

"I know, and I believe you," she soothed.

"She just had to show her face and ruin my night," he groused. "I sincerely hoped that she landed on her face when she twisted her ankle," he mumbled.

"Contrary to public opinion, Christian. I do believe you when you said that you didn't seek her out."

"I know. I think what I'm trying to say is that maybe if John took my call, I wouldn't have ended up coming face to face with Satan herself that night. Had Satan not shown up then I wouldn't have ended up in a bar. It sounds like I'm blaming Flynn but I'm not, I could've done better but at that moment I just felt so out of control."

"It was too much for you, and when John didn't answer it was like there was no one there for you. I get that feeling. When I saw the home test, I freaked out too but I took it better than you did because I guess I've had more experience with emotions than you did. I knew you were going to storm out, and I knew how you were going to react before I even brought it up, hence why I was so nervous. It wasn't only because of the announcement itself, it was because of how you would react."

"I'm really sorry."

"I get it, Christian. I've told you that I know you."

He sighed, his thumb still caressing her hair. The rhythmic strokes would've lulled her to sleep but she knew that he wasn't done reflecting because this was honestly the most they had rehashed about the past.

Their separation during the time they were in therapy really played an important factor in their final reconciliation, because it offered both of them time to think on their own, and to truly reflect.

Although it had taken them more years to be able to broach the subject without stirring up undesired emotions, and even longer for them to get used to the open line of communication that they had right now; they were fortunate that they got over the initial awkwardness when they were forced to share every single thought on their mind with one another as part of their therapy.

It was a particularly hard time for the both of them given that it was the three-year anniversary of the end of their longest argument to history, and it seemed like it was shaping to be the exact replica of three years ago. Ana knew that Christian was saying this because he wanted to prove to the both of them that he wasn't that man who walked out and turned his back on her just because of a few hiccups in their relationship.

"When I sought her out—Brie—I wasn't trying to hurt you. I wasn't trying to do something out of character for me just so you would notice me. I wasn't trying to get your attention, I genuinely thought that telling some stranger that you won't see for the rest of your life especially when you're in a relaxed setting where no one really cares about what other people are talking about would help. I truly thought that this would be relieving and I'd probably figure something out as I talked. You have to believe me, Ana."

"I do believe you. Trust me, I do understand you more than you give me credit for because if I didn't, I wouldn't be here. We would be going down the exact path that my book did. We're still here because I know that as abhorrent as it looks, your intentions were innocent and you honestly had no idea just how cruel emotions are. You never had any idea just who you are to the public, or how much appeal you have to other people. Christian, it doesn't matter if they don't recognize you as the billionaire businessman, and it doesn't matter if they assumed that you're some kind of model because you're just able to hold someone's attention. They might not want to acknowledge you but people do notice you."

"It would be fruitless for me to say that I should've done better, but I think those grueling twelve months that we had been rocky really opened my eyes. It has been putting more things into perspective for me. I thought having you in my life had put everything into perspective, and I thought that I had everything all figured out the moment I found out what love was."

"Personally, I think the dramatic incident that happened three years ago was bound to happen sooner or later, and my pregnancy just catalyzed it. We both needed the wake up call, admittedly, you more than me but we needed an outside force to make us see that we left so many issues unresolved that it was just a ticking time bomb. We needed to grow up and we needed to learn that we weren't ready for many things because we're so new to it. Perhaps it wouldn't have gone to the extent that it had if it didn't concern a baby."

"A pregnancy had too many variables."

"I would've dumped your ass so fast and left you so quick that your head would've spun if it wasn't for the baby."

"I know, and I don't know if it's sick of me to be secretly glad that this baby saved our relationship."

"Maybe you weren't trying to hurt me but I certainly was trying to hurt you when I said that you're not competent enough to be a good father. I feel like I wasn't trying hard enough to get your attention, so I lashed out expecting you to defend yourself. I was hoping that you'd notice me just like you did when we first met."

She shook her head silently but her movement against his chest was enough of an indicator to reassure him that his thoughts were perfectly normal for a human being to have. It may not be the idea that he'd want anyone else to hear about, but if he couldn't say it to her, then there would be no one else that he could voice it to.

"Christian, look, I understand your mindset and I know how you think and function, which is why I am able to forgive you and am willing to give this relationship another chance. However, I honestly can't say that it didn't baffle me when I saw that hickey on your neck. Monogamy is all you've been advocating since before we started dating."

"Did you suspect anything?" He asked even though no matter what the answer was, it still wouldn't erase the guilt and shame that he felt every time it was even mentioned around him. He was so sensitive about his gravest mistake that he had lost all confidence whenever it was alluded to despite it being a well-kept secret between his three closest staff and his wife.

He couldn't say that he was surprised when Ana vaguely glazed over the events in the six rocky months that led to their separation and counseling, and made no mention of his infidelity; it wasn't even implied in between the lines. He was thankful for that, and it was very hard for him to not believe that he was forever indebted to her because he already owed her too much.

"I did but then because you were so hellbent on monogamy and given your possessiveness, I dismissed it. It did make me wonder why you haven't been around more had you been going to Flynn's as much as you claimed you did. Listen, I'm not trying to trudge up old arguments or am I looking for a fight, we're just talking."

He nodded, that disclaimer was enough indication for him to know that he would not appreciate whatever that would be coming out of her mouth next.

"You didn't cheat on Elena even when you were across the country surrounded by beautiful girls your age, and you never physically cheated on your subs and you had fifteen of them."

"I've never cheated on anyone before."

"You have been cheating on your subs, Christian. You have them sign NDAs but you didn't keep your side of the agreement."

"I did!" His back straightened, feeling defensive of his previous lifestyle, and as uncomfortable as it was to talk about it with her in such an analytical way, he still felt like she had made an unjust accusation at him.

"You were talking to Elena the whole time. She'd been pimping for you, and after you contracted those girls, you would still meet with Elena to talk about your sessions or what has been going on in the playroom. You had" been confiding in Elena about your contractual relationship."

"That's not cheating."

"You legally prevented them from talking about your relationship, yet you were discussing it weekly with Elena? How is that not cheating? You not only broke your NDA but you were also not fully devoted to them like you promised. Granted, I never signed the contract but you still ran to Elena about me."

"I made them sign NDAs because I don't want them running their mouth to the press, and they also talk to Elena because she always asks."

"That's not the point, though, is it? I don't care if they had been reporting back to Elena or if this was just a sexual arrangement so that they didn't care that Elena was so closely related. I care about the fact that you had no problem running your mouth to her. Regardless of the nature of your relationship with your submissives, you are still in a committed relationship of some sort. I don't know if you promised them the same devotion you did me when you first pursued me to be your sub but you didn't think twice about answering Elena's intrusive questions because subconsciously you automatically included her in your contractual relationship."

"I sought her advice," he frowned, still feeling defensive, not of his relationship with Elena but of what she was implying about him. "I didn't divulge any intimate details."

"But if there was a problem, for example, your sub told you that she fell in love with you. What did you do? Run to Elena, right? And that's not divulging any intimate details?"

Christian wanted to argue back but didn't exactly want to start a disagreement that might end up with them having a fight because it was so unnecessary. His initial plan was to confess his feelings and then make love to his wife for however long she was comfortable with, and then fall into a dreamless sleep.

"I see your point…" he sighed, and he wasn't lying to avoid an argument but he did refrain from making further comments. "Are you suggesting that I have the tendency to just run my mouth to anyone when I'm in unknown territory like when you told me that you were pregnant?"

"I'm just saying that when you are vulnerable like that, it is very easy for people to take advantage of you because you would immediately lean on them the moment they showed an ounce of understanding.

"Believe it or not, Christian, you rely on people in a way that you couldn't even fathom, so yes, you are dependent on them. When Elena found you, you were a mess mentally and you're not to blame for that because therapy doesn't help those that don't want to be helped, and you don't see the point of going to therapy because you don't see a problem. That's perfectly normal for a teenage kid who's trying to blend into the community. She taught you a way to channel all the confusion that you had about life into something sexual, and called it control. She made you feel like you're in control of your life when you never had any because your belief system is heavily based on hers.

"When you broke off your relationship with her, that mindset, that psychology that you got from her remained. You were left all on your own in a world that is so foreign to you because Elena used to be your barrier to it. We all expected you to be normal, and that stressed you out because you didn't know how. I know that you are different, and I know that Elena fucked with your mentality, and I tried to be supportive of you but I also didn't know how even though I desperately wanted to because at the time, I was the only person that you would listen to."

"You're right, I didn't know what difference it would make if I cooperated with my therapists. I only listened to you because I know that it would make you happy and my simple mind told me that keeping you around is my ultimate goal, so I'm going to do everything I can to achieve that goal. It is true that seeing you happy makes me happy but I honestly don't know how to function without an end goal."

"Do you think you'd realize just how wrong it was for you to confide in a stranger about your marriage if Taylor forced you away?"

"I think I misunderstood the whole concept because all I could see was a few conversations that offered me the easiest solution to solving our problems. I cheated, in more than one ways. On you, on our relationship, and on our marriage, but I wouldn't have realized that had you not thrown it in my face. Sex was the only coping mechanism that I know of, and it was the only way that I knew how to communicate my feelings to the other person when I don't know what to say to make them understand me. I used it as a weapon against you before, and I've used it on her." He took a deep breath, it was still hard for him to talk about what happened but he knew that it would only be harder for her to hear those. "I just felt so helpless, and my abandonment issue caught up to me. I sought the quickest and easiest solution at the moment but that only made me feel worse."

"Which is why I said that Elena's mentality stuck with you even when you physically moved on from her. You've been thinking the same way for years, and it's a habit for you because you don't know any other way. I saw that when we got serious, and I still chose to commit to you. If anything, I am paying the consequences of my choice when I picked you to be my husband. I don't regret it, not for a single second, but I think that is a way to rationalize what happened to us three years ago."

"I think I finally figured out what I meant by my plans. I shouldn't have called it a plan because it's not, I don't need a plan. I don't need a structured life that's been planned down to the seconds but I need stability. That's what I've been looking for. I've never really thought about it but Flynn's words are finally making sense. I need stability because contrary to popular belief, I didn't get that even after I was adopted. Sure, I was offered the normal life, but I didn't know how to live that life like a normal person. My whole foundation of belief was built on something abnormal. My introduction to life had been twisted, and my parents didn't exactly do anything to correct my thinking, nor did any of the therapists. Elena offered me a solution, albeit not the best one, but it was one nonetheless and it made me look normal. I no longer stuck out like a sore thumb and I was no longer the thorn in my parents' side, so I thought I was saved."

…

The last time she stood on this very balcony was two years ago, and the last time she found herself in a troubling dilemma or was kept awake by her racing thoughts was right before Christian blurted out his proposal after a nightmare because his submissive broke into her old apartment. She could still vividly remember the phone call with her father the next morning on the balcony at Escala as she watched her then-boyfriend ask for her hand.

Ray had his doubts, and had been reserved when it came to his son-in-law since the day he was introduced to him.

Two years ago, she stood at this same opening considering the question that would once again change her life; pondering the trajectory of her future, and weighing the choices presented before her. After a year of therapy and turning a new page with Christian, she was proposed to again; this time he wanted to know if she was ready to reconcile the romantic aspect of their relationship.

It was another bomb dropped in her lap, and despite her anticipation at that reunion, she still hesitated when she heard it. Her head turned to the bedroom where Christian was sprawled out in the middle of their bed on his back with his arms extended in a relaxed position, hogging onto both pillows, she recalled the confession about Elena from him. It surprised her how she readily agreed to his suggestion to start trying for a family again but a single conversation about the past turned her into an insomniac.

She could still hear him; hear the desperation in his voice as he tried to navigate through the difficult emotions that arose as the months of March and April grew closer. The closer it got, the more inner turmoil and emotions coursed through their veins. May was especially hard for them as it signified their loneliness as a consequence to their own actions.

Their first year went past with the help of Dr Baldwin, but the next year proved to be harder, forcing them to return to the therapist once more. However, they were determined to tough it out this third year.

The dialogue from a few days ago looped in her mind, and she couldn't believe how many times she repeated the words "I understand" and "I believe you" to him. She couldn't even decide if she had truly rationalized these feelings and made peace with the incident or if she was only saying those words to alleviate his guilt.

Her elbows touched the railing as she surveyed the neighborhood scattered around the Sound as the few lights from the houses indicated. It felt not quite the same from when she was standing from the penthouse as her new house was only three floors high plus an attic and a basement. There was a quiet breeze softly brushing against her exposed legs from the open water, and it was surprisingly much more soothing than the air at the top of a high rise.

If she was being completely honest with herself, she still hadn't made up her mind regarding the whole incident. It wasn't about the blame, heck it wasn't even Christian's ultimate betrayal or his confession about seeing Elena so briefly that night that had her so conflicted. She could see how much Christian had grown and matured over the last couple of years, and some part of her, ironically, would always understand what made him commit adultery. While a part of her would always coddle and protect him, another part of her kept wondering if she had made the right call by staying with him.

When she said that she didn't want a divorce, she didn't mean that she would welcome him back with open arms and that everything would be water under the bridge; she was simply speaking from the bottom of her broken heart. She didn't think about all the opinions that would be casted upon her as people judged her from head to toe commenting as if they had been through what she did.

People talk, and that was a fact. As part of the human population, she knew very well what the general consensus would be, and as much as she didn't have to justify herself to the rest of the world, it was still part of human nature to seek approval from their peers.

As the repercussion slowly settled down and the smoke vanished before her eyes, she started to see everything with a clear vision. She knew that the social stigma would force her to accept and acknowledge that betrayal was unforgivable, but actually, nothing was unforgivable if one was willing to forgive. It didn't matter if it crossed their bottomline or challenged their morality, in the end, it was about herself.

She would've been seen as a soulless person who took her social status and therefore privileged life for granted because she aborted a child when she had advantages that so many mothers dreamed of having; just like she was labelled as a gold digger the moment she started dating her husband. She would then be called spineless and weak because she was willing to forgive, even though that took her a while.

No one would understand her or the reasons behind the choices that she made, which was also why she hadn't told anyone what really went down in those three months of absence where she made no effort to contact anyone other than her husband. No matter what she did, there would be opinions as pedestrians passed her on the sidewalk, or coworkers in the office talked behind her back. She would always be judged because something had gone wrong in her marriage.

She would've called herself weak had Christian coerced her into reconciliation and pressured her into staying, but that wasn't the case. She was the one with the power here because despite the heart tugging pleads from him, she could still choose to leave and he would've respected that decision. She chose to go back to him because to her, he was still the person that she'd turn to without any hesitation for help and support; because he was still her biggest cheerleader despite his grand mistake and odd behaviors to show his appreciation.

It was undeniable that he had let her down over and over again, and it took her awhile to forgive him. In the end, however, she didn't let him dictate her life. Her abortion was the toughest decision she'd ever had to make in her entire life, and she didn't regret it because it proved to her that she was still the independent, strong-willed girl that she used to be before getting tangled up in a multibillionaire's complicated life.

Had she cowered under pressure from society and bent over backwards to fulfill Christian's wishes by keeping the baby, it would subsequently destroy her as a person and ruin her life. She would lose herself in the process of trying to appease everyone around her.

She didn't wait on him nor did she wait for him. She took the reins and decided for him, and that needed courage. Just like choosing to stay in this marriage required strength because leaving him behind would've been a much easier choice.

Filing for divorce seemed like a fantastic—cathartic even—idea but that feeling of relief and unburdened lightness would be short lived, because when she cut herself out of his life she also prevented herself from seeking closure. And, even if her mind didn't need that one last conversation because his actions told her enough, her heart would most definitely want to hear the answers from his lips directly to the question—why?

Martha told them that if communication was what failed them in the first place, then it should be where they begin as they rebuild their trust and relationship from scratch. Maybe it wouldn't lead to eventual reconciliation, but they could still gain a confidant rather than lose a friend.

Their relationship had improved, significantly, but that didn't stop Ana from wanting more reassurance from people other than her husband and their therapist. Her own therapist had encouraged her to communicate with her friends and family to the extent that she was comfortable with. Ana was also encouraged to contemplate why she didn't want her friends and family to know a bit more just so she could have more support now that her marriage had been saved.

It did make her realize that she wanted to seek some sort of approval and support that she had never craved during her most vulnerable time of her life, and now she didn't know how to bring it up to her husband without having him take it the wrong way.

The last thing she needed was for him to feel inadequate because despite everything, she was still dependent on him in ways that he couldn't see.

"No!"

Her head snapped back as her ears stood up. She thought she had heard something coming from the bedroom, but as she peered into the room expecting to see Christian tossing and turning as he was riddled with his night terrors once again, she was met with complete and utter silence and motionless peace.

So she let out a breath and focused her attention back out to the quiet slushing of the water against the shore.

"Don't leave!"

Ana frowned. That certainly sounded like her husband but it was so faint that she felt like she was imagining it. Her head turned back as she looked over her shoulder, the only movement came from their yacht docked on the water, gently rocking up and down on the surface.

She shook her head, convincing herself that she was imagining things because it was too quiet out here, and the next few months wouldn't be easy.

"Please!" He screamed hysterically but there was no thrashing. It was just him with tears flowing down the corner of his eyes.

That unhinged wail had her rushing into the room faster than her mind could think. She was still uncertain if he was the one making that noise or was she paranoid but the moment she stepped into the room, her stomach sank.

"Ana… I didn't do it, please believe me."

Her heart softened as she took in his plea. She had no idea what was happening but it wasn't at all like his previous nightmares. This one was a roller-coaster, and he was on one hell of a ride.

She hovered at the foot of the bed debating whether she should wake him up because he wasn't behaving like he normally would, and he seemed to have calmed himself down already. When she stared at him for a while longer as her internal debate resumed, he now appeared much more calmer, so she decided to return to the balcony to finish her late night thoughts.

"Stay, please," he whispered.

Her steps halted and her eyes widened.

"Christian?" She called softly, hoping that she'd hear a response indicating that he had woken himself out of the bad dream.

"I swear I didn't know!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, and she knew that she had to shake him out of whatever it was that he was dreaming about.

"Christian!" She grabbed him by the shoulders, the way she did it the few times that she had to rouse him from his sleep. "Wake up, honey!" She added a little bit more force and her voice grew louder and firmer as she shook him again.

His eyes snapped open with a grunt and he blinked.

"Ana?"

"It's me. I'm here." Her hand slipped down to his chest as if to prove her point that it really was her.

His hands reached up to cover hers as he felt the warmth spread beneath his skin radiating from her touch.

"It's just a dream."

"Don't leave me. I swear I didn't know what I was being lured into. I wanted the baby with you so bad, I don't care if they'll need medical attention."

"Christian, you were dreaming."

"I swear I didn't do it."

"You didn't do what?" She questioned along knowing that it would still take him a minute to fully wake up just so his mind could make sense of what he was saying.

"I didn't mean to leave you, I didn't mean to go radio silent. Not for so long anyway. I know that I could've taken your accusations better because they were true, but back then… I just didn't know how to cope… but you left anyway…"

He rambled on, and she stared back at him helplessly. She was just thinking about the same incident, and she hadn't even made up her mind on it, so she wasn't even sure what she could do to console him anymore. All she could do at the moment was to run her fingers down his front in a soothing gesture, in a way to make him feel heard.

She stood up with the intention to move to the other side of the bed so she could climb under the cover, but he mistook it as her leaving his side.

"No, don't leave," he grabbed her wrist frantically, tugging her back. She opened her mouth to explain but couldn't find the best words so nothing came out.

"I- I'm not…" she stuttered in shock but allowed her to be pulled over him and under the cover anyway. She was used to his level of consciousness after waking up from a nightmare but she wasn't at all used to the panicked tone he had just used on her.

It was almost the same desperate one that pleaded and begged her to not give up on him; on them.

"Christian…"

"Stay with me…" he murmured, shuffling his body closer to hers and at the same time tugging her toward him. "I need to hold you. I need to know that you're here."

"I am here."

"Do you still want to have my baby, Ana?" He stared into her eyes, and even in the darkness, she could feel the intenseness behind the gaze and picture the darkest shade of gray swirling in them as he showed her his most vulnerable side.

She wrapped her arms around his neck so their noses would touch, and their lips were mere inches apart as they breathed in the same air. She felt like she needed to do something physical in order to reassure him. She had to make a gesture to prove to him that it was only a nightmare, and it wouldn't come true.

"Yes, I do. I want you and your babies." She said with conviction, and her lips protruded enough to touch his, sending tingles down his spine as she repeated the feathery gesture, this time lingering a tiny bit longer.

"Then why aren't you in bed?" He asked, his lips whispering against hers as their eye lashes almost ghosted over one another.

Her lips left his as she looked down. Her fingers moved to the side of his face, caressing him as if to prepare him for what she was about to say next.

"I needed to think."

"What's bothering you?" He asked, the concern evident and heavily laced in his voice along with traces of sleepiness.

"Just thinking…"

"About?" He pressed, worry still etched in his voice if not already reflected on his face.

"Stuff…" she answered evasively but she could already feel the scowl from Christian before he sighed exasperatedly at her. "I'm still deciding if I've made the right choice. I'm still evaluating…"

"What choice?"

"The choice to stay with you, to let you back in, and to forgive you."

He frowned, and she felt it being so close to his face, literally. She could hear the gears turning in his head and the thoughts racing through his mind with his brain going into overdrive as the possible implications of her admission hit him.

It was an innocent statement yet it provoked so much more from him.

"Are you having second thoughts?"

"No," she shook her head once, and it was enough to diminish that worry. "I don't regret it. I just… I just want to talk to someone."

"You can make an appointment with Martha."

"Dr Baldwin already knows what's going on."

"Then who do you want to talk to?"

"I… I want someone to agree with me, to tell me that I did the right thing."

"You did do the right thing."

"I know, but I just want to hear it from someone else. Does that make me vain?"

"No," he sighed, despite not liking the idea of her not needing him in all ways possible, he could still relate to her request since it was what he did that resulted in a huge cluster fuck and almost cost him his entire family. "It doesn't, and I'm glad that you told me about it. Who do you want to talk to? Kate? Ray?"

"My dad…" she muttered. "Do you mind if I tell him what happened? I'm hoping that he'd be more lenient and understanding as an older adult that went through more than we did with more experience in life. I just don't think that talking to Kate would help because she'll just agree with whatever I'm saying and cuss you out. We'd end up fighting because she'd want to hurt you and I would try to stop that, besides she's also your sister-in-law. It just complicates things…"

He leaned forward just enough for his lips to cover hers, successfully halting her nervous rambling. He didn't realize it before but he was starting to notice it now that Martha had pointed it out explicitly that his reactions to things that didn't go his way or produce the desired outcome caused her anxiety, stress, and fear. None of which he wanted to see from her, especially not instilled by him.

"Shut up," he whispered softly, and his lips went back on hers, this time kissing her with more force and conviction as if his determination to distract her wasn't enough that he needed to put his heart into it to persuade her that she didn't need to fear for his reaction.

Stay tuned, there's more.

X

Saph T