Chapter 35.
Seeing Dean walk away like that made Sam feel like an idiot. Away from the bunker, he had hoped they would all interact as they used to, fall back into older, easier patterns, forget the harm that Michael had wrought.
"He couldn't stay for five minutes." said Cas, "Are we sure this is Michael's doing?"
"What do you mean?" said Sam.
"He saw the lighter. It's the one he gave me. I saw the look on his face. He regrets giving it to me. I think he regrets our whole association."
"He doesn't." said Jack, "I talked with him, out there in the woods. He only said good things about you. Everything bad, that's Michael."
"Just now, I was looking right at him." said Cas, "I don't think he could bear to be around me for one more second."
"He walked away because we agreed anyone with any negative feelings about the others would walk away." said Sam. Bringing Cas was beginning to seem like his worst mistake. Cas interpreted everything as his own fault and however obvious it was to Sam that Dean had gone to try to regain his self-control and avoid a fight, Cas saw it only as a sign that Dean wanted to be free of him.
"This isn't about Michael." said Cas, "Michael is his excuse."
"No." said Sam, "Michael messed with his head. This is not Dean."
"It's not the first time he's resented me." said Cas, "And he has every right to. He's tried so hard, for so long, but it was never going to work."
"What was never going to work?" said Sam.
"Dean Winchester, pretending one of Heaven's rejects could be his friend."
"You rejected Heaven, for us." said Sam.
"And Heaven rejected me right back."
"You are Heaven's best. You always were and Dean has always felt unworthy of your friendship and is always afraid you'll come to the same conclusion."
"Then he's a fool."
"No argument there." said Sam.
"Even now, as he is, I would do anything to regain his friendship."
"Even believe for a moment that he is still who and what he always was, just hidden behind a lot of pain?"
Cas looked at him for a long time in silence, then he said, "I should go after him. Someone needs to make sure he's okay."
"Not you." said Sam, "I'll go."
"No," said Cas, "It should be me."
"You may only make things worse." said Sam.
"It's possible, maybe probable, but either I have to leave now or he will have to face me at some point tonight. If I go off into the woods with him and we talk, argue or fight, he can come back here and pretend nothing happened or that he won. If we have the altercation here, it will be worse for him."
"Out there, alone, it will be worse for you." said Sam.
Cas gave an odd half-smile. "There is a kind of comfort in rock bottom. You know things cannot get worse."
"Is that where you are, right now?" said Sam.
"And as long as he hates me." Cas confirmed.
"He loves you. The real Dean, trapped under all that crap, has always loved you."
"You didn't see his face."
Jack coughed. Sam and Cas turned to look at him.
"Jack?" said Sam.
"It's the smoke." said Jack.
"Are you sure?" said Cas.
"I'm sure."
"Swap places with me." said Sam, "You need to be upwind of the smoke."
"I'm honestly fine." said Jack. He coughed again.
"Swap!" said Sam. Jack complied.
They both watched him for a while, but he didn't cough a third time. "I'm fine!" he said, "It's Dean we need to worry about."
"We agreed anyone could walk away for a while." said Sam.
"We have no idea what state of mind he's in." said Cas.
"We know it's bad." said Jack.
"Yes," said Cas, "And we know what kind of range bad has when it applies to Dean. I'm not leaving him out there alone."
"If you go after him, he could see it as an attack." said Sam.
"And if I don't, it's abandonment."
"Or respect." said Sam.
"It's fairly clear nothing I do will be interpreted that way." said Cas.
"And you're likely to interpret anything he says the wrong way too. Anything he throws your way is likely to hurt."
"You think I care about words?" said Cas. As usual, his eyes did not back up his bluff.
"I think you care more than just about anyone I ever met. If something he says gets under your skin, Jules will kill me for letting you talk with him alone."
"Jules is not my mother and neither are you. Maybe I can make things better. Maybe just giving him back the lighter will help."
"You can't give that back." said Jack, "That was your birthday present."
"Angels don't have birthdays."
"Giving it back would feel like a rejection to him." said Sam.
"Tonight, a rejection from me would be a fortunate escape to him. He wants me out of his life. That's doable."
"No it's not. We need to fight Michael together."
"I was never much use in any planned fight against Michael. Jules and I can do our small part from the farm, but we'll be a distraction at best."
Sam groaned. "You know, I age about ten years a day, going through this with you and Dean. You're both only this dumb because you need the friendship you pretend is over. You're so terrified of losing each other that all you do is push each other away."
"That makes no sense." said Cas.
"I think that's what he's trying to tell you." said Jack.
"In any case, I want to talk to him. How is that pushing him away?"
"Depends what you're going to say." said Sam.
"Mostly, for now, I plan to listen." said Cas, "Which of us are you trying to protect?"
"Right now? Mostly you." said Sam.
"I'm a celestil being, impervious to harm."
"In a dumb trenchcoat." said Sam.
"It really looks dumb to you?" said the impervious celestial being.
"No. Just reminding you that words can and do hurt you."
"But the coat's okay?"
"The coat's great, but the angel inside it is very vulnerable." said Sam gently.
"My strength used to lie in my faith. Now, it depends on my family, one of whom is out there, suffering. Let me at least try to help him."