13. Twisted Trio (Kohga, Sooga and Astor)

Recently I've come to realize that all characters in the game deserve hugs, biscuits, tea and lots and lots of therapy.

The next section is called "Iconic trio being a beeg phät mood for [insert word count here] words straight". My brain couldn't stop coming up with stupid ideas for them, because somehow half of the chaotic natured vines, memes, references, etc. fit them perfectly. Astor is such an annoying jerk (though I simply can't hate him, because it must have been me who put the 'simp' in 'simply' when the word first came up; but etymologists claim otherwise) and because of that he's surprisingly easy to write, while the Yiga husbands' personalities are a bit more difficult to get right. Sooga is great and Master Kohga is Master Kohga – what more could one want?

Anyways, I get the feeling that they gradually become more OOC the longer this chapter goes on, so… oops. Sorry about that.

His stomach was empty. For how long it had been giving him the signals to 'Eat something, you idiot!' in the form of growling, he was not sure, but that did not matter. There were more urgent matters to discuss at the moment and his right-hand-man was already awaiting him in the conference room.

Their last defeat had been bitter. If only they had brought along more forces, more backup, they would have been able to drive away the Gerudo captain and her guards from the outpost they had been fighting over. And with that lone outpost, he was sure, they could have won the entire battle.

If only they were not constantly lacking competence in all levels that mattered most.

On top of that, he felt watched. A slight headache was slowly forming in his mind while he speculated what factors this battle's outcome had depended on and how it could have been altered. His stomach growled another time, reminding him that he should finally eat something. He did not want to end up like the malnourished rat currently residing in their hideout.

Speak of the devil, as he entered the big hall it soon became obvious that the rat man had not arrived yet from whatever mission the walking egg had sent him to. Kohga could not care less what the weird Hylian was doing in his spare time, but he also could not shake the feeling that he was allowing him too much freedom. Who knew what was going on inside that bony, little head of his? He might as well be planning an assassination attempt on him and Sooga… but, eh. That was Tomorrow Kohga's issue, because Today Kohga did not want to waste his precious time thinking about anything that was not related to bananas.

Speak of bananas, Master Kohga stood in front of the altar, ogling at a pile of the sacred fruits. The whole clan worshipped them more than the long-awaited Calamity, their love for bananas even surpassed their hatred for the royal family, and that meant a lot.

"It's the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life! It's a Ba! Nana-na!", he exclaimed happily while pointing to the fruits, "Next to a Ba! Nana-na!"

Sooga nodded at that and commented in his mind, 'It is, indeed'. You can never be too dramatic when food is involved.

The Top Banana snatched a few and started munching them, muttering, "Awuh yeah, bebeh! Partay tiem," while the feeling of being glowered at did not go away.

It only worsened by the time their meeting was about to start, and even his most trusted friend had sensed the ever-building tension in the atmosphere.

"Sooga, is everything alright? You seem quiet – even more than usual."

"No, it is nothing, Master Kohga. I… I just have a bad feeling about this."

"You too, huh? There must be something in the air, then, if we both agree that something's wrong here," he concluded and nudged him with his elbow, "Let's go. We don't want to keep our people waiting, don't we?"

Half of the clan had already gathered and sat in a semicircle on the floor, since there were not enough chairs for all of them. When everyone except for the rat man was attendant, Kohga made himself comfortable right in front of the altar. He knew that everyone would be diverting their attention to him, once he began to deliver his speech, because most Yiga would be focusing on the bananas and what – or rather who – was between them. That did not mean, they would agree on his plans.

"...And then I'll challenge them and yell something like 'Come on and get died!' After that we'll finish them off spectacularly and make sure that Hyrule Town will burn while I wear the king's crown! How does that sound?", he finally reached the end after ten minutes of loudly and obnoxiously declaring war on Hyrule, and leaned backwards in his seat, seemingly content with his plan.

No one dared to say anything, because disagreeing with their Top Banana and pointing out his often resulted in a broken bone or three, until a cold voice rang from the shadows, "I have discovered insanity incarnate."

Kohga turned his head to the side to see a dark figure approaching him, too small to be one of them and too frail to fight them either. "Has he been hiding there all this time?", he mumbled under his breath, then fired back at him at a louder volume, "You're one to talk!"

"Pah! At least I am better at organizing raids and battles than you. Your scheme is not going to work, as none of your previous ones have so far."

The dark figure turned out to be Astor, who strolled up to the table, surrounded by a stifling air of arrogance, and looked down upon the still seated clan leader. "How disappointing."

Visibly offended, Master Kohga jumped onto his feet and stomped over to the Hylian, hoping to scare some respect into him. Now he was towering over the tiny rat, but the rat was not impressed.

"Really? That is your tactic? To intimidate me into submission. How about you let all of us hear one plan of yours that is not bound to fail, to prove us wrong, hmm? My patience has an expiry date. Now hurry."

Kohga would not be a Kohga if he let himself be humiliated this easily by a nobody in front of his own people. And he knew the prophet behaved and expressed himself like a spoilt nobleman, but in truth he was merely a commoner, a nobody that was gifted with the ability to read the stars. To assume the title "Kohga" exceptional skills were required, amongst them a vast knowledge of ancient Sheikah techniques some would compare to magic, which their current master possessed in abundance. However, he did not want to show them to the outsider who was not worthy enough to witness them yet, but a completely different way to show him his unparalleled intelligence came to his mind.

"Wait, I'm having one of those things, you know, a headache with pictures."

"An idea?", Sooga helped him find the right word. Bless him.

The Top Banana held up one finger and prompted them to stay put, while he went into a well-hidden storage chamber inside the walls and dragged a large, blank canvas on wheels with him.

He wrote three words onto the canvas.

"Princess changing station" he said, before covering a single letter in utter glee, "Princess hanging station."

All Yiga in this room cheered for him, even Sooga let out a small, "Yea- Wooo-!", as their leader regarded the Hylian with a smug grin behind his mask. The seer's reaction was priceless.

"How in Demise's name- how can it be that this- this idiot,", he glared hatefully at Kohga, "leads an entire freaking clan, while lacking all leadership skills?!"

Instead of being offended at this rude remark, Kohga decided to have some fun with the easy to tease – and piss off – Hylian. "I woke up one day and decided I want some evil bananas as breakfast, and that is how I became the most evil villain ever!"

"Oh, my god. That's evil."

"No, that's genius!"

"Were they mighty?"

"Were they yellow?"

"But were they made with or without chocolate chips?"

"And did they have additional banana slices?"

"What about a chocolate dressing?"

Someone from the back of the room even asked, "Were they gluten free?"

Then a single Blademaster stepped up to them and praised the Top Banana with a proud tone in their voice, "Master Kohga is our leader, because he is wack! He ain't dirty, he ain't ghetto and he definitely ain't no kid. His hair, wack! His gear, wack! His jewelry, wack! His footsteps, wack! The way that he talks, wack! The way that he doesn't like to smile, wack! Me? Just like everyone in here I'm tight as fuck. That's why he's our Top Banana and we respect him as such."

Another Yiga spoke up when they finished, this time it was a Footsoldier, "You know, our master can be competent sometimes. Once there was this guy that was stabbed in the front, but he died in the back. Don't ask. Kohga didn't want to reveal the details to us, but the signs were clear what had happened that day."

The sole Hylian in the room could not process what the Yiga had said for a moment. After he revised the conversation in his head, he let out a confused, "What?"

"What?" the Footsoldier repeated, mimicking Astor's disbelief badly, making the prophet growl.

Kohga, who was still not finished showing his superiority, grabbed one banana in each hand, "I'm not going to repeat myself, so listen closely, because your wellbeing might depend on this," he said and struck menacing poses while wielding the fruits in his hand like a powerful weapon, "Don't mess with me! I have the power of mighty bananas and anime on my side! AAA-!"

He charged at the Hylian, but Sooga intercepted his blow with his own katanas, preventing him from making an example of their unwanted guest in front of everyone.

"I feel like I am experiencing a fever dream in hell", were the last words of Astor, before he grabbed his temple with both hands and quickly fled the room. It seems he always disappeared like that every time things got too weird for him to handle. 'What a coward' Sooga mused and returned his weapons to their sheaths.

While most Yiga were discussing what had occurred, Kohga addressed his most loyal friend in hushed tones, "Why did you intervene?"

"Spear him or spare him. It is your choice, Master Kohga. Just remember that no one will know your moral standards if there are no witnesses", he whispered to his leader, so that only he could hear him, dutifully reminding him of the rules that came with his rank.

"But I still cannot believe you let this corrupt seer and his Guardian reside within our hideout's walls. They are untrustworthy in every sense of the word. Are you not tired of listening to his endless monologues about the Great Calamity Ganon and how destruction draws nearer with every passing day?"

"Don't worry, I'm not," his master replied in a refreshingly honest way, "When corrupt, only trash is endless."

Both agreed on that and dissolved the meeting. When everyone but them had left the chamber, Sooga sat down on a nearby chair that was still warm ('gross,' he shuddered to think who might have rested there minutes ago) and grabbed a banana from a nearby table. His widely acclaimed leader mirrored his actions and dragged a chair audibly right next to Sooga's.

After ten minutes of total silence the taller of the two gave in to his inner musings and spoke up.

"Imagine if you ate this, you would get one hundred million bananas, but the equal amount of people would die. What would you choose, Master Kohga?"

His master snatched the yellow fruit from his hand, lifted his mask and took a bite, as if he wanted to say, 'Look at me and my bad-ass self!' His furious munching was only drowned out by Sooga's amused laugh, one of the precious few he allowed himself these days.

"Kohga, no-!"

On one hand the fact that the leader of their clan valued food more than his underlings was not really reassuring, while on the other hand it was good to know that Kohga was as predictable as ever to him. That way he always knew when to help his leader out of a sticky situation and what to do in his presence without the necessity to receive any commands. They were so well-coordinated as a team to the point that a single glance directed at Sooga spoke more words than a well thought-out – or in most cases complicated – order.

'You ever think that… the human mind was a mistake?', Sooga often found himself pondering, but when he set his gaze on Kohga, his own mind immediately responded with 'No. Never.'

"Sooga, you big bag of beans, you were the one who voiced the question and I answered you. What more do you expect from me?", his master interrupted his thoughts.

"You big, overstuffed bag of twice baked black-eyed peas…", his right-hand man murmured just loud enough to be heard by his master who did not try to hide his amusement over the situation.

"Oh, darn diddly muffincrackers!"

"You… you sneaky, little muffin."

"You uncultured walnut!"

Outside the room two Yiga were waiting for their quarrel to stop, because they had something to discuss with their superiors.

"Shhh… be quiet!" one whispered to the other, "They're speaking the language of gods!"

The other nodded at that and took their friend gently by the wrist to guide them away from the big doors in front of which they had been waiting for a few minutes. "We better leave them alone until they have things settled. I don't want a repetition of two days ago."

"Oof, agreed" their friend huffed, "We could go spar in the training room while they bicker around, don't you think?"

"Great idea."

They arrived at the training grounds. Currently, the vast cave with an unusually high ceiling was empty, since most members of the clan had better things to do than waste their energy.

One Yiga Footsoldier approached a table near the wall, where the entire training equipment was located, grabbed two spears of which they tossed one to their friend and said, "A spear in flight just feels right."

"Well, not to the other guy. He might die", the other Yiga retorted, catching the weapon and readying his stance.

"Forward we reign, sandwich uncles!" they yelled, then charged at their friend so they could spar for a few hours, before their time was up and the other Yiga would be storming in to work on their own combat skills.

In the evening, just as they had finished their training and left the room, they were joined by Sooga and the scrawny Hylian, who appeared to have picked a verbal fight with their second-best warrior. As if oblivious to their surroundings, they continued their "shouting match", which was more like bickering, really.

"You all are insane!" Astor barked at the Yiga. But as soon as Sooga pointed both tips of his katanas at his throat and he added nervously, "…ly good at whatever you are planning to do."

"I will end your life, seer, in the exact same moment the thought of betrayal comes to your mind." That was not a threat. It was a promise, and everyone knew that.

"Anyway, thank you for checking in," Astor said and then whispered, "I am still a piece of garbage~"

"I am tired of your games. You can come by when you have finally regained some honor or a sense of humility… if you even know what that is. If not, then you truly are a lost cause."

Sooga remembered that only intimidation and threats would make the Hylian listen to them and cornered said Hylian against the doors of the training room. When his back touched the cold metal, he nearly jumped out of his skin, but Sooga only extended an arm and pushed open the doors to let them both in.

He gestured to the center of the cave, where fresh marks could be seen on the sandy ground that had been used not so long ago. "After you, Evil Lord Blackthorne. We still have a score to settle for your behavior towards Master Kohga and I will not leave you alone until I am satisfied. Did I make myself clear?"

His counterpart nodded at that and readied the one and only thing that he could defend himself with, his infested Giant Ancient Core. Faint light from the candles adorning the walls flickered eerily and cast long, moving shadows onto the floor, battling with the shades the crimson orb in his hands for preeminence. Sooga stepped into the middle of the room, the determination strengthening inside his core with every stride. The rat would learn its place, kneeling before his master's – Kohga's – feet.

The grip on his swords tightened when Astor raised the crimson glowing orb, a faint flicker of immeasurable cruelty and hatred crossed his gaze. He was the first to start the fight, he was the first to land a hit. The Hylian had not been fully prepared yet and sloppily dodged his attack, moving back a few steps, and Sooga could not hold back a satisfied huff as his blades cut through the prophet's sleeve, even grazing his skin. In the dim light he could make out a few drops of a dark liquid smeared across the pale hand that had shot up in an instant to cover the wound.

Sooga had often wondered whether the seer had lied to them about what little he had told them of his origins or if all of it was true. At first, he had labeled him as a false prophet, a liar, a monster in the guise of a long-dead Hylian, but now he had witnessed that Astor had spoken the truth – at least about what species he was – while everything else could still be fabricated.

"Why don't we quit fooling around like novices, so I can show you what true power is?"

The Hylian regained his composure and summoned five Hollows, the hero and the four Champions, Sooga suspected, as usual. He had never seen Astor create Hollows of creatures other than the five people who always got in their way and made things worse for the entire clan.

Then he looked up and his whole world collapsed for a second, before he built it up again, with such intense anger unlike anything he had felt ever before. In front of him stood a Hollow of each Blight, staring at him with their soulless eyes, but what had made his heart cry out in familiarity and pain was the smallest one in the middle. A sloppily crafted copy of his most beloved person, consisting of black goo with fuchsia streaks. A Hollow of Master Kohga.

"I have dedicated my whole life to our lord and savior Master Kohga, and this is the thanks I get?", he bellowed, enraged by the rat's audacity. Sooga's own patience was wearing, which was why he approached him in the most threateningly looking way possible, towering over the small form of the Hylian, until he could grab him by the collar and easily lift him off his feet. Sooga focused on the wall and inspected it for a moment. Then he looked at the Hylian once more.

The two Yiga outside the training room were startled when they heard a loud 'BANG' coming from the cave. They did not dare inquire what happened, but to them everything went on like:

Two idiots entered.

One idiot left.

After the incident it was Kohga who decided to visit the Yiga Clan's medical ward currently hosting their highly unwelcome guest who tried to hide a bar of chocolate under his pillow, despite being very obviously watched by the leader of the clan.

"Hey! How're you doing?" he inquired friendly, as if they had not been arguing over trivialities only a few hours earlier. "I heard my man made a mess of the walls in the training room and wiped the floor with you."

Astor slightly flinched at the reminder; his body was still sore after his pointless fight with Sooga.

"I'm doing just fine," he said and shot him a sickeningly sweet fake smile, before grumbling, "I lied. I'm dying inside."

The Yiga ignored his pathetic attempt at self-pity. "You know what? You need a break!"

"I am already broken. I am sick," the Hylian complained and dramatically threw his arms out as if he were suffering. Which he was, unironically. If only Kohga would get the hint and scram. Apparently Kohga had a different idea and did not want to leave him alone.

"I know you're not sick! I talked to the doctor and she said you're completely fine… aside from a couple of aches, and bruises, and cuts, and maybe a broken rib or two, and- uhm."

"But I'm mentally sick!" he almost whined and buried his face in the pillow.

"Now that's for sure."

They sat in silence for about five minutes that felt like eternity to Astor, until the Yiga doctor, who also wore a mask, like every member of this damned cult, carried in the glowing orb on a soft cushion. The core had not suffered any scratches nor bumps, since it seemed to be indestructible. The Hylian held out both hands to get hold of it as soon as possible and cradled it like a treasure.

"This Ancient Core is powered by hatred and sadness. I have got plenty of that," he explained to Kohga. "And you know what? It even has built-in screaming, so I do not have to."

Master Kohga only rolled his eyes at that, which, of course, the other could not see, and retorted, "How considerate."

Apparently, the doctor did not want him lingering here any longer, for she informed them of his physical condition and that Astor may leave already if he wanted to. She practically shooed him out of bed and the Hylian followed Kohga out of the room, literally stumbling on his way out. He was a small, mean person who had a loathing of Hylians. Unfortunately, there was a mirror opposite the door, so he saw his reflection.

And no, he was not okay.

Startled by his own reflection, he fell to the sandy floor and whirled up some dust that he could not avoid breathing in. The tiny particles were tickling in his lungs – or that is what it felt like – and he coughed a couple of times to get the dust out of his respiratory system.

Suddenly, Sooga's voice could be heard just around the corner, "Coffin, coffin. You will be in a coffin if you keep on coughing."

The Hylian coughed once more. "Whoa, alright. I'm stopping."

After making sure the rat man was still alive and kicking, Kohga and Sooga retired for the night and left the Hylian alone, who then noticed that he the chocolate bar he had been snacking on was still under the pillow and he could not go retrieve it.

Later, a Yiga Blademaster patrolling the hideout heard stifled noises coming from the guest room and went to investigate their cause. They peeked through the keyhole of the door and found the prophet in tears, sobbing to the corrupted egg that was watching him with its cold, calculating optic. "-s been a great day today, Harbie. Cannot wait for morrow-"

The next morning, everything started as usual. The Top Banana and his second to Top Banana were peacefully enjoying a quiet breakfast with their subordinates, when a small figure stormed into the room, closely followed by a big, dark cloud above his head, that signalized his bad mood.

"Mrngh…", he grumbled to all the present Yiga, grabbed a banana bread, and drowsily crossed the hall to a small, unoccupied table, where he collapsed on a chair.

Unfazed by this show of non-present social graces, Kohga greeted him cheerfully, "Good morning to you too, three-eyes! Sleep well?"

"No," was the short and sweet answer he got from the Hylian, "I need coffee. Preferably bitter, like my soul."

After they finished breakfast, he let them know that he was going to write down some of his dreams and visions, and requested to be brought writing utensils, "I need a pen and black ink, like my soul."

When the prophet finished writing his notes into a thin book, he shivered and asked rhetorically, "Why is it so cold? Like my soul."

"Well, we live in the desert and it's always cold in the morning, because at night the warmth of the sand that has been-" Someone interrupted the Footsoldier's rare moment of clarity by nudging them with their elbow and they shut up.

Astor did not say anything at that but got up after a few more minutes scribbling and left the room – again – mumbling, "I want some dark chocolate, like my soul."

The two highest-ranking Bananas were not concerned for him, since they did not like him at all, but Sooga grew suspicious of his behavior. The Hylian had not been the most predictable person from the moment they had first met, when he showed up in front of their hideout's well-hidden front entrance, but lately he was getting even more unpredictable, and that distressed Sooga. Even his master had noticed how he tended to glare daggers at the rat and remained closer to Kohga than he needed to, only to protect him.

The two highest-ranking Bananas were seemingly tied to each other. You could not talk to one without having the other listen in to your conversation. You could not see one of them without the other guarding his back from the shadows. You could not walk in on them in the morning without witnessing one watching over the other in his arms in a half-embrace, whispering gently to wake them up.

The two highest-ranking Bananas were concerned for each other's wellbeing.

That was why they did not care about the seer's criticism, nor his bad mood, nor his own, stupid problems. One day, Sooga had enough of these pitiful attempts at toughness and aloofness, so he decided to confront him in his room, where he was spending time reading a book with the Egg-Guardian perched in his lap.

"Stop sulking like a depressed ReDead and get active or something!"

But things often did not go as planned, when Astor was involved.

"I do not want to be physically active! I am having a physical depression."

Sooga sighed inaudibly and clarified, "But what I actually meant for you to do is only mentally challenging."

"Does not matter," the Hylian persisted.

"Fine, suit yourself. Or go find yourself some friends already! I am tired of your attitude. It is going to get us all killed one day, I can feel it."

"I do not need friends. They disappoint me. You all know what I think of you," he said and shook his head, "I am surrounded by failures."

He struck a ludicrous pose, grabbed the corrupted Egg-Guardian, and left the room – again.

Later that day, Sooga found him in the room they used for preparing foods, aka. kitchen, and he looked disapprovingly at Astor's emaciated form, while the seer was reading again. "You look like you are starving. Eat a proper meal."

"I do not need food. Once it is digested, I will get hungry again."

The seer walked away. Again.

"You are too pale!", the Yiga told him the next time they met in a hallway inside the hideout, "How about you go outside for once and gather some vitamin D."

"I do not need sunlight. I live in the shadows."

He fled from the room. Again.

In the evening, Sooga paid him another visit. This time, he did not bother with the formalities and snatched the book from the prophet's hands.

"Come on, you should go and rest. It is late. Even for your standards."

"I do not need sleep. I need answers."

He exited his own room, leaving Sooga with the harbinger that just turned away from the Yiga, settled for the night, and entered sleep mode in the middle of Astor's bed like a puppy. The most curious thing about the egg was its unpredictability. It either acted like a cunning beast, or like a puppy, depending on its mood and whom it was with.

By the time the prophet returned, Sooga was still there and he half-heartedly gave him useless advice, even though he knew it was going to be in vain. "Get a life!"

"I do not need a life. I- I- damn it!", he huffed tiredly. When Astor caught sight of the corrupted Guardian, he sat down next to it on the edge of the bed and put a hand apologetically on its dark shell. "I am sorry for being so useless." Then he regained some of his senses.

"Wait, no, I'm not."

The Yiga were organizing a yoga class for everyone to participate in, with their master as the instructor so he could teach them some of his less secret yet still effective techniques. A third of the clan was already warming up on different mats and pads, when their guest entered the training hall. He had sworn to never join them in these ridiculous activities, but somehow Kohga had managed to convince him to stay and even participate.

As their little workout was about to start, the Top Banana made himself comfortable on a cushion and spoke, "Our first exercise is easy. Release all the sounds that are trapped in your mind."

Suddenly, Astor screamed like a madman and gained everyone's attention except Kohga's who was still trying to meditate. Then he got the feeling that he was not in the center of interest, which was unacceptable.

Someone patted the Hylian on the shoulder and reassured him, "There, there. Just scream some random stuff into the sky and everything will get better. I promise."

That someone was, of course, Sooga, who had really had enough.

"Come on," he urged him to leave this session, "Let's go and drink something decent to lessen the bad thoughts."

"Fine, but only one drink... or only one glass of wine and that is it. Not more."

Several hours and "only one glass of wine" later:

"…and they actually listened to me! A few days after I looked into the future at the request of Her Highness, she passed away, but the king – that old, blasted moron – I tell you – he listened to me! He was practically at my feet, begging me to tell him about his kingdom's future. Oh, you should have seen the look on his face when I told him the truth. Then they finally started excavating the Divine Beasts and Guardians as I had instructed them, and- and- could you believe that I had gained enough reputation as a trustworthy fortuneteller to commandeer the sovereign of a freaking kingdom around? When the time is right, the Calamity will take over those ancient machines and use them against the entire kingdom! The fools will not know what hit them, once it fully awakens, and the whole world will fall into devastation! Hyrule will be no more! And I will be witnessing its downfall. You know, some people just want to watch the world burn."

As time progressed, his ramblings turned into a rant and his once clear words into inaudible gibberish that even Hylia was too afraid to listen to.

Sooga did not try to hide the fact that he was not even listening to the prophet who had somehow managed to get drunk on a single glass of wine and was now telling him the story of his entire, pitiable life. It seemed that the poor guy had never had anyone who had the will and the time to listen to his ramblings about how terrible – cruel – the world was, and why it should be destroyed, and yadda, yadda, yadda… and right now no one was listening to him either.

Perhaps he was destined to never reveal his motivations to anyone, so the people would always wonder why he had done all of this.

"What is the point of living if we already know that we are all going to die?"

His only companion realized that Astor's rant had made him go into an existential crisis, and that all the wine was gone. The seer had apparently downed the entire bottle. Alone.

Then, he groaned and mumbled to himself, "Why am I still here, just to suffer?"

When Master Kohga came to pay them a short visit and check if they were alright, Sooga glanced at the Hylian, who was already asleep with his head on the table, and he shook his head. His tombstone shall read 'death by second-hand embarrassment'.

Fandom to rat man: Dude, please. Go outside and eat something. It might do you some good.

By the way, I watched the interview with Jonathan Lipow (Astor's VA), which can be found on the YT channel Zelda Universe, and I thought it may be a good idea to put some of the stuff they mentioned in the interview to use, aka. steal a couple of ideas and give prophecy man the nickname 'Evil Lord Blackthorne' (that's the name of one of Mr. Lipow's own characters whom he has voiced in a similar way).