Best Laid Plans Heather Burkett

Chapter 35: Black

"A penny for your thoughts?" Edward asked as I was driving us back to my place.

"Huh?" I mumbled, unsure I heard him correctly.

"You've been in a daze since we cleaned up from dinner."

"Oh." I nodded, still absorbed by my own thoughts.

"You want to talk about it?"

I mulled it over for a minute before shaking my head no.

"Please?" He asked, dipping his head to try to get my attention. "I'm kind of losing my mind here."

I bit my lip, struggling to pull out of my headspace long enough to hold a decent conversation.

"You want kids?" I asked.

He sighed, running his hands through his hair so that it stood out in a copper riot atop his head.

"I've always envisioned myself having kids – yes." He answered reluctantly.

I chewed on my lip some more as I continued to drive silently towards home.

"I take it, you don't want any more?" Without looking at him, I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

I mulled it over, still unsure what I wanted. "I've never thought about it."

My answer seemed to give him some hope.

"And, what about now? Are you thinking about it?" He asked, wringing his hands.

"Yes." I answered solemnly.

"And." The optimism he felt a moment ago eked out the last of its existence.

"I'm forty."

I thought that was all the answer he needed, but I was wrong.

"So..."

I sighed in exasperation. "So, I don't even know if I can have more kids. And, even if I could, I'd probably be forty-one before they were born. Fifty-nine when they graduate high school."

He huffed in agitation.

"What?" I asked, confused by his attitude.

"Everything is age with you!" He shouted. "It's always about numbers. Not about what you want or need or feel but some imaginary deadline that you've set for yourself. What deadline is next, Bella? What deadlines come after forty?"

I didn't know why, but I teared up and – before I even had a chance to figure out why I was crying, the tears pooled in my eyes and overflowed down my cheeks.

I couldn't look at him but, from the corner of my eye, I could see Edward's hands were balled into fists so tight that his knuckles were white.

When he spoke again, his voice was quieter, but still tight and angry. "Is this it? Is this the next reason you break up with me? So that I can meet someone younger and run off and have the kids I want?"

"That's not fair." I answered sadly, still unable to look at him as the tears flowed.

"Tell me that hasn't crossed your mind tonight. Tell me, honestly, that in all this time you've been quiet, that you have not once considered breaking up with me for my own good...and I'll apologize."

I bit my lip because...I couldn't.

"That's what I thought." He answered angrily, turning his face to stare out the passenger window.

I spoke only because the following silence was too much for me to bear. "This is a big decision, Edward. I'm sorry if I can't just make-up my mind in the course of an hour or two."

"You've already decided, Bella. You decided the moment the thought of breaking up with me crossed your mind. No, you made up your mind a long time ago that I was too young to be taken seriously. Too young for you to be in this for the long haul. I can see, now, that you're just going to keep looking for excuses to 'do what is best or me'. Always looking for excuses to walk away from this." He gestured between us.

"Edward-" I started, unsure what else to say as I pulled up outside of my apartment and pulled the car into park.

"What else is there to say, Bella?" He said, still staring out the window. When he turned to face me a moment later, there were tears pooling in his eyes. "I love you, Bella. I've loved you since the moment you walked into Uncle Carlisle's office. And, I keep hoping that you'll fall in love with me too. That if I'm just patient, you'll learn to love me. That if I try hard enough, I can make you love me. And that, once you love me, age won't matter anymore. But that's my mistake, isn't it?"

"Edward-" I said again, willing myself to think of the right words to change what was happening. Willing myself to say the things that would bring us back to how happy we were just earlier today.

But the words didn't come.

"Give me five minutes to gather my things and I'll be out of your hair." He husked, angrily wiping the tears from his eyes.

"You don't have to go." I replied.

"I don't have anything left to stay here for. I see that now." He answered, reaching across to turn off the car and taking the keys from the ignition. I watched as he opened the passenger side door and made his way to the front door of the apartment, letting himself in.

Then I crumbled – folding in on myself as I sobbed.

I hadn't meant for things to turn out this way. I hadn't wanted to break up with him. But, he was right – it was always in the back of my mind that he could do so much better than me, that if I was a better, stronger person, I would let him go for his own good. So he could meet someone younger and fitter than me. Someone he could be with in public without the dirty looks and rumors and snickering. Someone who could give him the family he wanted.

He was right. As hard as I thought I'd tried to give him my everything, I was still holding back.

So, although I felt like my insides were juggling a thousand razor blades, it was the right thing to let him go. The good thing.

Because I loved him.

I realized that now. I loved him with all of my heart and soul and when you love someone that intensely, you'd voluntarily die a million deaths if you knew they'd be better off without you.

I looked up as I saw Edward exit the apartment with his overnight bag slung over his shoulder – a pained looked of determination on his face. He walked back over to the car, opening the back door to retrieve his grandmother's crystal egg tray from the back seat.

Just as he was about to close the door, he stuck his head back in. "For the record, I would have chosen you. Over having kids. Over starting a family of our own." He gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing with the exertion. "I would have chosen you over everything. Each and every time." He stared at me a moment longer as I struggled not to break down any further. "Goodbye Bella."

With that, he shut the back door. I couldn't look as he threw his things into his Volvo. Couldn't watch as he opened the door and slipped into the driver's seat. Couldn't even move until I saw the reflection of his car driving away in my rearview mirror.

And then, I gave back into my tears.

I spent Thanksgiving evening lurching into the toilet bowl in utter despair. I wasn't able to keep anything down the next day, either.

Emotionally and physically, I thought things couldn't get much worse, but PMS came along on Saturday and proved me wrong.

I was particularly moody by Saturday afternoon when I called Alice.

"Bella? What's wrong?"

"We broke up, Ali." I sniffled. "We broke up, and I'm sick over it."

"Aw, Bella. What happened?"

"Can you come over Al? I don't want to be alone right now."

"Sure, sweetie. Let me finish the laundry and I'll be over as soon as I can, okay?" Alice answered in her most soothing voice.

"Okay." I mumbled. "And Al?" I called out before she had a chance to hang up.

"Yes?"

"Can you bring chocolate?"

She chuckled softly. "Sure Bells, I'll bring chocolate."

I sniffled again. "Thanks Ali."

I curled up on the sofa and made the mistake of watching "The Notebook" while I waited for her to arrive.

When she got there about an hour and a half later, I was a sniveling, sobbing mess.

"Oh, Bella...The Notebook?! You should have known better." She tsked as she used the remote to turn the TV off. "Here; I went all out and got you Lindt Milk Chocolate Truffles." She said, handing me a red bag of candy.

"Aw, Ali!"

And even though it made me happy, I cried all over again.

"So, what happened?" She asked, sitting down on the end of the sofa and pulling me down so that my head was resting in her dainty lap.

I explained how wonderful things had been Thursday morning and how horribly everything had gone wrong Thursday evening.

"But, did you tell him you loved him?" She asked worriedly.

"No. It was too late. He was breaking up with me and, although I didn't want him to, I knew it was the right thing for him to do. Telling him I loved him would only have made things harder for both of us." I sniffled.

"But, Bella. How are you so sure it's the right thing?"

"He was right, Ali. When I heard that he wanted kids, the very first thing I thought was that I should break up with him so that he could be with someone who could give him a family."

"But, is that really about you wanting to break up with him? Or is it more about your own insecurities and feeling like you're not good enough?" She probed.

"I'm not good enough for him. I know I'm not." I popped a chocolate truffle into my mouth. "But, you know what? For the briefest of minutes, I could see myself with him for the long haul. I could see us having our own holidays. I could see us getting older together and just being happy. And, as soon as I saw it all...it was gone."

"How do you feel about having more kids?" She asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want more kids? Have you ever thought about it?" She prompted.

"No, I haven't. But, I just keep thinking of how old I'd be. Like, I'd be forty-three by the time they finished potty training. I'd be going through menopause as my kid is starting puberty. And, Sarah is thirteen. How would she feel about having a little brother or sister? Plus, how would she feel about me having a child full time while I only get her every other weekend?"

"He has a point." Alice sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"Okay, so you've done the math. But how do you FEEL about potty training at forty-three and attending graduation at sixty?"

"It sounds old." I mumbled, unwrapping another red foiled truffle and biting into it. "But, I used to want more than one child. I grew up wanting two or three."

"So, why didn't you?" Alice inquired.

"Jacob only wanted the one. He insisted on getting a vasectomy after Sarah was born and, I'd always had hopes to run my own business one day, so it seemed like a fair compromise."

"So, what if you had a chance to have another one?" Alice asked.

"What does it matter now? Edward's gone." I moped. "And now I'm alone and bloated and weepy and crampy and miserable."

Alice didn't say much more after that; she just played with my hair as I ate the truffles she'd bought for me. I think she realized that I wasn't looking for questions or solutions, I just wanted someone to sit with me so I didn't have to be so alone.

If I thought our first break up had been bad, it didn't hold a candle to what I was experiencing now.

Knowing that I was in love with him made all the difference in the world.

It wasn't just an emotional ache this time around, it was a physical ache that I couldn't shake. I spent my nights crying myself to sleep and spent my days fatigued and moody. Not only that but I was eating comfort food just to try to dull the void inside of me and then feeling bloated from eating nothing but junk.

I was miserable, inside and out.

Sarah asked me to take her Christmas Shopping in Port Angeles when she came over for her first weekend in December. I did my best to put on a happy face for her benefit, but struggled.

I tried not to mope as we wandered the department stores, looking for the perfect gifts. We bought Leah a beautiful necklace and earring set and fishing gear for Dad and Billy.

We had just finished paying for a silk cashmere sweater for Jacob when a gentleman and his daughter caught my eye. The little girl – who couldn't have been older than three or four - had long, blond ringlets that bounced as the gentleman tossed her into the air and caught her on the way back down.

They looked so happy in that moment, just passing the time in a department store.

"Mom? Are you okay?" Sarah asked, coming up beside me and taking my hand with concern etched into her furrowed brow.

I looked into her face, noticing for the first time how much she was growing to look like a young woman. Gone were the chubby cheeks of her youth and the rolls around her middle.

When had she grown up? When was the last time I'd carried her in my arms, or watched Jacob toss her into the air and catch her while she laughed and giggled with excitement? When had she lost her last tooth, or climbed into my bed for the last time because of a bad dream?

The thirteen years of her life flew by in my mind's eye as I looked into her face and it suddenly occurred to me that - in only five years, she'd graduate high school and then possibly leave for college. She'd meet someone special and get married and start a family of her own.

"Mom? What's wrong?" Sarah asked again, tugging on my hand as my tears began to fall.

Alice and Edward were right.

I'd been so fixated on my age and on imaginary deadlines that I hadn't allowed myself to consider the possibility of having more children. And now – now that I'd ruined things with Edward for a second time...

...now, in the middle of a public space and frightening my daughter...

...now was when it occurred to me that I wasn't done. That I not only wanted Edward, but I wanted everything that he had offered me. I wanted his friendship and companionship. I wanted his love. I wanted to build our traditions and to create a home and to build on our family.

I wanted...

I wanted to sit down.

Something wasn't right.

My hands were clammy and the room was beginning to spin around me.

"Mom, you don't look good. You're scaring me." I heard Sarah say, grabbing my arm in a panic as the world began to turn black.

"Mom!"